I have been wanting to get to this, but procrastination is a terrible thing to waste.
Compatibility – Its been said that a Master and slave should be compatible if they are going to be happy with each others likes and dislikes. Its been said that a Master and slave only need to like being a Master or slave and after that total obedience fills in the gaps. For every ying there is a yang, for every lingam a yoni, every mountain requires a valley, and every truth has a counterpoint.
When pursuing the mysteries of life; seeking higher truths, remember that every real truth is a paradox. This is why, the smarter we get, the less we know. ~Xtac Quote
The trigger – for the desire to write this blog began with a back and forth set of comments with one of my favorite Bloggers, Vile. The exchange can be found in his Blog: Your purpose is to be used. He started with, “I do agree with you 99.5% however”. I am not sure where the craving to have people agree with us started, but its an obsession I don’t subscribe to. I strongly suspect that Vile could give a rat’s ass either. That’s the beauty of a strong willed friend. Of course now I am pondering a new question, if friends don’t have to agree what exactly is the bond? The answer is right in front of me. A great friend can have opinions you simply hate and yet neither you nor they care about that difference. A great friend can tell you to fuck off and yet has your back when the shit starts. There is more concern for the character of a great friend, than what comes out of their mouth. Its one of those paradoxes, like enemies can often be your best council.
The greatest danger to compatibility – When I met Izrina, before I started to train her, before I took away her name, she was a nilla. I saw in her great potential to be a slave. She was curious about my life, so I brought her into my world.
There is this thing, where a person wants to be with you, and they change to be with you. Maybe you are a bit country, or urban, or sports fan, or whatever, and in the nilla world, your partner comes into your life and begins to share your farm life, or urban life, or sports fanaticism, and so it goes. You find yourself thinking, I just want to grab some beers, drive the truck down to the river and skip stones, and maybe get a little frisky in the truck bed and she says, that’s what I want to, and you think, I should marry this girl, she’s perfect!
Then a few years go by and the truck bed is too hard, and the creek is boring, and why the hell don’t you ever take me some place nice in town. We always have to spend time with your drinking buddies. Yeah, that’s the nilla side of what happens when the girl she became to be with you, wears off and she reverts to her former self.
The Ds version is a little different. Its about hard limits and likes and dislikes, its about what gives you subspace and what blocks your bottom from getting there, its about total control, or the slow creep of dissatisfaction with a life of service.
Vile said and I quote – In some situations could it be a need for the slave to have a need to conform? My answer, “Yes, absolutely”. But I am also mindful that people are people no matter what lifestyle. What I would call a true slave, is a person who is not lying to you or themselves about a real desire to be in service, to give all that they are, to be shaped by another person. THAT is what I would call real.
Visa-versa, a person may think they are a slave, but when it gets down to it, the level of control, the changes, the insistence, the constant compromises to the Master’s whims, begins loose its appeal and becomes an unhappy place. This can only happen if a slave lies to themselves, or to the Master, about what is in their heart. It is not done out of malice, rather, it is happens when a desire blinds us to those nagging little voices of dissent.
Crow was amused. – Another awesome community member, named Crow, was amused. I explained how at the start of Izrina’s training, I repeatedly asked her over and over is she was sure she was happy as a slave, and she finally in exasperation asked me to stop asking her that. Crow laughed and said – “Let me get this straight. A slave, who should do what you say and trust in your reasons and judgement, told you to stop doing what you were doing? Doesn’t sound very slave like.” Again the paradox. He’s right, it is amusing.
The difference I noted is not unlike why we don’t take off a collar to punish a slave. Somethings are so painful, so counter to the slave mentality, that we just don’t do it. Causing a slave to consider if they are a real slave, is pretty much a punishment, for a real slave.
A slave’s need – So yes, a slave needs the support, the control, the protection and perhaps the love of a Master’s touch. A slave is strong and they need someone stronger, an irresistible force that will gently but firmly mold them into the better person they want to be.
Dishonesty is the greatest danger to the needs of a Ds relation. If the Master is not a real Master, if they do not find joy in the sacred role, then they are lying to themselves and to others and will cause great pain to their slave when they revert back to their former self.
By the same token, a true Master, one who knows all the joy that complete and total connection with another soul can bring, the joy of having no personal barriers, no walls between you, of completely raw and open communication, will be devastated to find that that all they started, all they hoped for has vanished because it who claimed to be a slave, never really was.
Lying to yourself, be you Master or slave, will eventually cause pain in others. Be honest about your likes, your dislikes, your desires and above all, the level of commitment you are going to give to your role.
Poking the dog in the eye – This story comes to us from a rather brilliant slave, called EmptySea. There once was a dog in a pound. And it was lonely. And an owner came and took the dog home and fed it and played with it, and both were very happy. And at night the owner poked the dog in the eye. The dog thought, what the fuck?!! But everything else was good so the dog tried to ignore it. And days continued to be good but every night the owner poked the dog in the eye. One night the dog had enough and bit the owner. The owner said, you are not a REAL dog. A real dog wouldn’t bite its owner for doing what it wants with a dog.
The moral is obvious. Some things an owner does is good. Some things an owner does is tolerated. Sometimes the tolerated things are so far into a hard limit, its hard to overlook. The one fact we must never forget is that this is consensual slavery. Consensual slavery thrives on mutual happiness. Mutual happiness may require some compromise on both sides, as is true with any relation. When we strive to achieve a CNC relation, we strive to free ourselves from any constraints. We strive to create a relation totally dedicated to the Master’s whims, one that uses the slave for the pleasure of the Master. But you can only poke the dog in the eye so many times. Compatibility is key.
Finding your perfect someone – There are no easy answers on how to find the right Master or slave, but I do have a few tips. Start with honesty. Honesty about who you are and what you need. Be honest with yourself first and foremost, so you can be honest with another. Honest is the building blocks of trust. With continued demonstration of your commitment to be honest and honorable, your partner can come to trust what you are building is real.
Be honest in your evaluation of your compatibility. Unless complete use and objectification is your thing, compatibility is key. Even then, some fantasy driven desires may be outside your ability to deliver. Be honest when you go from a collar of consideration to a collar of training.. does this sound like it will work? Be honest when you go from a collar of training to a final collar.. Are there too many compromises, and if so, will they haunt the relation later? Be honest with yourself. If you are a slave who feels unworthy, ask instead, is my Dominant trust worthy? If so, place trust in your Dominant to answer these questions for you.
If you discover too late as many have, that you need more than your partner is giving, again, be honest. You have three choices if you are already in a relation 1) Get your partner to step up 2) Get an agreement to go poly and find someone to step up 3) End the relation and find someone. If you need to be a Master or slave, then stop lying to yourself and start taking the steps to be what makes you happy. If you are in a Master / slave relation and not happy, stop lying and postponing. There will be pain, yes, but it is the price of not being honest sooner. Pain is often the price that must be paid to get on with your life.
If you find yourself without a Master, or a slave, remember that you are who you are no matter what, that a Master or slave without someone is a valuable thing, and your value is not measured by the person you are with, but by the value you bring. Life is messy and not perfect, but there are few joys as wonderful as deeply satisfying connection with another person. Ds above all else, can provide the most intense expression of the connection we all seek.
Just remember that what you seek you will not find, but in the path of your happiness, when you are loving life the most, what you were seeking will find you. ~Xtac Quote
Carpe Diem my friends. For better or worse, I’m off to my colonoscopy. I’m treating this as an adventure, to get my head in a happy place. To ensure I have a great day, be assured, I will be someone’s great day!