Second Life to the rescue!

Normally you would never hear these words pass my lips but these are not normal times.   Try Second Life!

For those of us who live it 24X7 or manage to get to a play party once in a while Second Life is insipid.   It is the refuge of folks who are distanced or otherwise can’t play in real life… hello?

None of us can play in real life now unless you are living with your play partner.  Your first life.. aka your “real” life is on hold now what with “in place sheltering” and all.

So now is your chance to find out what all those persons with a virtual “Second Life” have been so keen on all this time.   For you first timers there are some things to get used to.. ways of interacting that are expected.   As a newbie you will take a while to adjust… but you’ll get there and learn.

Second life can stir your imagination and fire up your juices and since many of us have nothing better to do but sit and long for some interaction.. why not give it a whirl?  Keep your profile nilla and you can visit awesome places.. musuems, natural wonders…

Years ago I was thrown off the Star Trek Enterprise Ship for my inappropriate BDSM attire.  I mention that little mishap because it should give you an idea just how deep the rabbit hole can go.  There are some VERY cool places to go and see..  Some are kinky and some are not.

Release your inner child and let yourself play.  Carpe Diem.. sieze the day and make it yours!  And along the way, try to be someone’s great day!

It all begins here >>

Hope is alive!

More good news for you to focus on!



While the TOTAL number of cases and deaths continues to rise, notice how the number of NEW cases has started to drop as citizens begin to take seriously, the need to “Social Distance”.



Let’s talk for a moment about “Social Distancing”.  We are social people but in this day and age we don’t socialize the way we did 100 years ago.   Hell we don’t even socialize the way we did ten years go.

We are not “Social Distancing” thanks to FaceBook, Twitter, Blogs, and community online resources.   We are “Physical Distancing”.    This is doable.   Don’t get caught up in the negativity of distancing.

We are all still in touch, and there is much to be hopeful for.



Now let’s talk for a moment about this “Physical Distancing”.   As today’s CDC shows, “Physical Distancing” works to slow the spread.

We cannot however simply do this for months on end.   I fully expect that we are going to do a “Distancing on”, “Distancing off, “Distancing on”, “Distancing off”, thing.

By dialing back, then letting off, then repeating, we will see waves of infections come in.. But here is the hopeful part of that.  These waves will come in manageable bite size waves.



Yes, there will be infections, and yes there will be deaths.  That is going to happen.  But don’t buy into the negativity.   We have drugs now in testing, vaccines in human trials, more new drugs on the way,  drive-thru testing,  15 minutes tests,  in home test kits coming..

These “WAVES” will give us time to deal with the infected.  The treatments will get better with each wave.  In between we can regroup and improve.



Hang in there people.. hope has arrived!   Carpe Diem!  Go forth virtually speaking and be someone’s great day.  Maybe you should reach out to an ederly shut in and see if you can bring supplies.  Be someone’s great day!

Hope is on its way

Back in January, I started preparing for the worse and hoping for the best.

Two weeks ago I saw the need to “flatten the curve”, so I wrote about doing what you can to social distance.

Stories of craziness came in and I wrote about staying calm. We need to be focused but civil.

Then we had the last supper… A last chance for us to get together for a sense of normalcy before we hunkered down and got very serious about social distancing.

Then I wrote about my frustration about just waiting… and waiting.. and waiting.. All my planning was done.. nothing left to do…


A dear friend and brother in leather wrote this:

As a bit of a control freak, this feeling of having no control over a situation takes me out of my wheelhouse. Even though so much was a false sense of control, I hate not even having that anymore. And as a planner it is difficult with rules and news changing multiple times a day.

I get it. In fact I wrote about the same sentiments a few days earlier. Another good friend and brother in leather who is in law enforcement wrote about his concerns of rising violence. I get that too..


We are in uncharted waters


There is plenty of reason to be concerned, fearful, panicky… but as your mind goes so too do your actions. Now is the time for the power of positive thinking. While you are busy learning to deal with social distancing, stay positive… there is much to be hopeful for…

Labs in countries all over the world are working hard… Vaccines are in human trials…. The world might finally have a drug that helps instead of just putting people in beds and watching them… In the US… Bayer donated 3 million doses…. FDA will fast track the testing… drive through testing is picking up speed.. Extra hospital beds plans are mobilizing… Most people are starting to understand the need to social distance… We have lots of reason for hope!

If you find yourself overwhelmed, take a walk.. hug a tree… stand on a mountain… go to a park.. walk in the woods… Nature is healing… The hustle and bustle of the electronic era never was good for your blood pressure.. It’s good to step back, take a deep breath and slow down once in a while..

Some people knew this instinctively. For those of you forced to do it now.. take it as a experience from which you can diversify your thinking and grow. We have much to do to make this a great planet to live on. This might be the tough love we needed to come together and do the right things.

Carpe Diem my friends.. Be someone’s great day.. at a distance of course!

Let’s dance, Bitch!

Dealing with Covid-19 probably has a lot of overlap with dealing with cancer.  As nations we are probably going to go through the five stages of grief.  In case you need a refresher on those, here they are again:

The five steps of grief…. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

I would say I am on depression. At first I was thinking.. how bad can it be (Denial).  Then I was pissed (Fuck! Those North Koreans said to expect a Christmas present).   Then  I prepared, prepared, prepared. You know.. prepare for the worse and hope for the best.

I like action. There is no action left… just waiting… and waiting… and hope… I feel like there must be something I missed.. some action to take… but no.. its just waiting….

Its only been a few days but I’m tired of waiting already.  I want to go out grab Covid-19 by the throat and say .. common bitch, let’s dance!

The Last Supper

The last supper is a painting by Italian artist Leonardo da Vinci, featuring Christ seated at the dinner table surrounded by apostles.



Last night at HOX we had the last supper but there was no savior present. This will be our last open house until the Covid-19 thing blows over.

It was a pleasant evening. We had many wonderful guests and we sat and talked and told stories. Persons who had not been before got a tour of our playroom.. which was sort of a tease… to see and not play is kind of sad.

=== === ===

We will get through this. In time normalcy will return. It’s not a question of if but when. In the meantime, its good to have had this moment… one last supper.. before we start our social distancing.

Carpe Diem my friends. Be good to one another. Stay calm, focused, civil and helpful. We’ll get through this. Practice good hygiene and common sense… about proximity and density… Be prepared for the worse and hope for the best.. Hugs!

Be civil

In a panic some people will kill to get on a lifeboat.  Others will help people get onto a lifeboat, even at the risk of their own life.

What concerns me is that for years I’ve witnessed selective cherry picking of news and events to be sent out in various media with my underlying concern that the message just barely concealed a deep and abiding hatred being justified by these cherry picked “facts”.  In other words, civility is dead.  Aggression for the sake of a cause is justified on a micro and macro scale.. and that is bad especially now when we should be helping people onto lifeboats, not clawing our way on.

Having stated my concern, here is my message. Be civil.  Speak from a place of love.  Question where your words are coming from before speaking.  Open your heart.  Let go of anger, fear, and hate.   Be patient.  Hug a tree.  Now is the time for quiet actions grounded in compassion.  Come together.

All we need is love.

CoronaVirus, Covid-19, advice

Keep calm and do your part to contain!


Deep breaths people. Most everyone will get infected. You can’t change that but you can control some things.

The key now is to delay Covid-19 as long as possible which has a very positive impact on society. 1) It keeps the max number of active case low allowing resources to better deal 2) It gives the health community more time to develop drugs, vaccines, and strategies… and learn..

Most people don’t educate themselves even when they should. Health workers will make mistakes.. and learn from them.. gonna happen. Take deep breaths… take a nice walk… try to relax and control what you can control.. Concentrate on containment.


Keep calm and do your part to contain!


We need a feeling of normalcy.  Seriously…  Nature has a very calming effect and even more so now.   It is public spaces that are most dangerous.  So find a park, hug a tree, take a walk, find a mountain top.. then take a deep breath.  If you are too busy.. walk outside and look up at the sky… or out a window.  You need to disconnect from the hustle and bustle of modern life and get a calm, balanced perspective.  How does that help you ask?  Here is how.

Right now you have to do two things…


Keep calm and do your part to contain!


Right now you have to be very serious and dedicated about doing your part to protect society by helping to contain the virus.  You also need to do what you can do and let go of the “call to panic” and suppress it.

You have to find a balance between very serious and unconcerned.  To do that, you need to be calm, collected, and focused.   Nature (by which I mean uncrowded spaces with trees, water and sky) can do this.

So what does it mean to contain?  Containment is very important.  If  there is no containment, in a very short time there will be many, many infections.. too many.. and it will overwhelm the health industry.

If there is containment it won’t change the fact that everyone will eventually be exposed.. but it will mean that it will take longer and the number of active cases that health workers must deal with will be much lower.. allowing resources to be managed.   That improves everyone’s chance of survival.  That is why it is important for you to…


Keep calm and do your part to contain!


There are lots of facts and opinions out there adding to the confusion and adding to panic.   Educate yourself by all means but send a clear message that people can see, remember, and follow.  Send the message..  Keep calm and do your part to contain!

There will be reckless assholes…. there always will be.  Unfortunately there are people who think that that education is stupid and elitist …  but them’s smarter than that (sigh).  I know this is true.. There was a son of a old girl friend making fun of all the “assholes” who wanted to work hard at their education years back and nothing I said could convince him otherwise. He had street smarts and common sense and that was all he needed.

There are those who think that college and self education is some kind of elitist attitude. Its a part of our culture I’d love to give correction to… problem is.. the most important part of giving is the taking..

By all means.. educate yourself on how best to be prepared to do your part to contain.  Even if some people won’t, enjoy some nature, get your focus, then …


Keep calm and do your part to contain!


Health workers will make mistakes.. and learn from them.. gonna happen.  Government agencies have made mistakes, and will… it was bound to happen.  Production will take a while to adjust.. its gonna happen.  We will all eventually be exposed.. but later rather than sooner is better for everyone.  Take deep breaths… take a nice walk… try to relax and control what you can control.. Get out of public spaces when you can and use that time to relax when you can’t.  Be a good citizen.  Concentrate on containment. Now is the time to come together.


Keep calm and do your part to contain!

Outside its another bright shiny day filled with promise and challenges you have not yet overcome.   Carpe Diem my friends.  Be someone’s great day!

You could be “outted” soon… by Corona

We are all following the Corona Virus and have all drawn our own conclusions on how contagious or deadly it may be and what we’ll do about it, but consider this.

You go to a local dungeon or home and there are a bunch of people there that you only know as MasterThis or slaveThat.   In the BDSM community, we often don’t tell anyone what our real name is…

Now image someone at that event contracts the CoronaVirus.. aka Covid-19.  What is your country’s or local government’s reaction?  To trace back where you’ve been and who you came in contact with of course.  Who have you come in contact with?  You don’t know.  You only know it was a bunch of people called MasterThis or slaveThat.  Image the public reaction. 

I can see the headlines now…

“Local sex club spreads virus – infection potential unknown”.    Local official were shocked to learn that there was an illegal sex club operating right under their noses.  Health official investigating a person who  recently contracted the CoronaVirus discovered that the patient was unable to provide information about who or how many people that they came in close personal contact with, because persons in this sex club all use alias names.


If you think the nillas get excited during normal times just wait until Corona spreads at an event.  They will start demanding org records and researching names in Fet.  Much of this will be new and shocking when they discover just how many of us there are.  It might just be a real eye opener for some people living in their own little vanilla world.

Yes, health records are suppose to be private, but the impact a club or org has on the safety of the community is definitely in the realm of public news.  Don’t think news orgs whose existence is for profit…  aren’t draw like flies to a juicy headline.. Sex sells…  period!

We of the BDSM community operate with dual lives for a very good reason.  The world is not ready to accept S&M..  laws that are designed to protect victims of domestic abuse have a crushing effect on our right to consent.  DSM 5 may have forced the medical community to accept that BDSM is not a sickness but the general public still sees it as sick, twisted or a mental illness.  Dominance and submission often riles up the politically correct who worship at the all might alter of equality.  I know members of my own family think S&M people are mentally ill… that only a sick person would submit to living with someone that is domineering.

The nilla reaction to our presence is absolutely not a good under normal circumstances.  It will be much worse if it thinks that people that are sick in the head are endangering them and their loved ones.

Ahhhh… .. but what if someone gets corona but not at your local org?  Doesn’t matter.  Health officials will still want to know where you’ve been and with who… which will lead to mentioning all your BDSM friend hangouts…

I’m not one to love conspiracy theories, but it also occurs to me that the Corona virus scare is an oppressive government’s dream situation for finding out connections and gathering information.

Ah well.. worry about what you can change, and let go of what you cannot.  In line with that thinking..  start thinking now about how you might respond… not if but when… asked for your recent contacts.  Ideally you will already be prepared to respond with comments like.. I was at a party at a friends house.. not that I was at a sex club!   Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!


Whats more important? Love or Ds?

So this is the question: What comes first?  (its not a chicken or an egg).  Is love your highest priority?  Or does BDSM come first?

A sex worker or if you prefer..  prostitute… doesn’t want her customers to fall in love with her.  It gets in the way of work.   By the same token, some persons who self identify as slaves don’t want a boy friend.  They don’t want love to get in the way of a hard-ass, never compromising, Dominant Master.

That’s not to say you can’t have both… its just that only one thing can be your most important thing….   So which is it?

Would your Master love you even if you were not a slave?   Or does your Master love you because  you are a slave?  If you stopped being a slave would that cause your owner to love you less?  Or possibly not at all?

My relation started as a Ds relation.  It was later that I learned to love my slave.  I was somewhat jaded when we met.  My love grew out of her slavery and service to me.  You might say I rediscovered love, from experiencing her.   I know that I would not love her as much.. possibly not at all.. if she recanted and decided to no longer be my slave.

Just because I started from Ds and added love does not mean this is the way it has to be.  There is a Dominant that has a great Ds relation but from day one…  he had both.  He loved his girl.. and he dominated her.. the two facets are inseparable.

Visa-Versa, a slave I spoke with on the subject said that every time a Master got intimate and caring the Ds side slipped.. so she didn’t want a boyfriend anymore.   This is not all that uncommon.  In fact it happens even in vanilla relations.  Sometimes a person feels they can’t do with a spouse, what they could do when they were single… sounds fucked up to me but it happens.

A number of slaves I’ve spoke with mentioned that they needed romance and love and trust… but that it was important that an Owner stay hard and firm and resolute.  They needed that strong hand that would give the tough love they needed.  One in particular is a super-masochist.   Where most bottoms end the play, is where she warms up.  But she needs to know the person is caring.. that under the rough exterior of her top is someone who genuinely cares about her needs as a slave and a masochist.

It’s an interesting question.  What comes first? Love or BDSM?   I think it goes back to something simple.  Is BDSM a lifestyle for you or an orientation?   By that I mean, is BDSM more of a need than a want or a need?  I think that people who NEED it should try to avoid relations with people that WANT it.  Two needs make it right.

Of course if you find yourself married its not so easy.  You may want to try and correct what may very well not be correctable.  The trick is to find out before you make such a huge financial and legal commitment – and possibly bring other lives into the equation.   To realize your life as you need it, may take huge challenges and struggles…. and time.  Lord knows that my life did.  But I knew where I needed to be and it wasn’t in the disastrous marriage I had so blindly allowed to happen.  , A painful and as expensive as divorce can be, it was the right path for me.  I am still paying for it financially of course, but I couldn’t be happier.  Money is far from everything.  I have now what is most important to me.  Sometimes divorce is expensive, because its worth it.

Ask these questions of yourself… where do you priorities lie?  Be honest with yourself.  then be honest with those you are with.. and pursue the life of your dreams.. No rush… but never let go of your dreams.  Pursue your first priority with great passion.. and hopefully the rest falls in line behind…

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!




What’s wrong with being a sadist?

This might also be titled.. how to be a sadist and still feel good about yourself.

My sister once told me that all masochists need to see a psychiatrist.   Anyone who would want to be harmed is emotionally damaged and needs to seek help.  She went on to say that there is no such thing as a sadist.. that puts a nice name on a domestic abuser.  Domestic abusers are just plain evil people that need to be removed from society.

Well now.. that’s a great start to feeling good about yourself if you are a masochist or a sadist, huh?

So before I can explain how you can be a sadist and still feel good about yourself, let me talk for a paragraph or two about my own personal journey through that valley of hell. I doubted myself for a very long time.  Without experience, I could not see how I could be a good person AND a sadist.

My earliest BDSM desires were about sex.. and as close to CNC or the appearance of non-consent as possible.  This added to my concerns about myself and my actions.  With experience, I learned that I can be a sadist.. and a good person… but it took time and experience to get there.  Over time, as I grew in my experience in consensual BDSM, my support for consent grew to where it is now, that consent is the absolute bedrock on which all of BDSM is built.

Consent must never be accepted from a person who is impaired… and impairment can come in many forms.  Intimidation…which we would hope is never part of your dynamic.. uses things like raising your voice, anger, and other forms of verbal or physical violence.  Any form of intimidation prevents true consent.    Obviously, the use of drugs, alcohol and any mind altering chemical taken for recreational use prevents clear consent.    Also, you should not re-negotiate consent in the middle of a BDSM scene.  During a scene the body releases..  the EDSO chemicals and others.. which interfere with consent.

Logic is a bitch on this subject.  Even if you are absolutely certain that you have negotiated consent in good faith…  no intimidation.. no chemical impairment….   No scene induced impairment… there is still a problem with being a sadist.

What if your bottom is mentally damage?  My advice here is that if you are not a professional, then do not try to be.  There is actual evidence that some BDSM activities are good for some issues.  In Russia for example, canning was found to alleviate the symptoms of depression.

If you watched the EDSO chemicals link above, you know that the body has certain triggers that release chemicals that have an effect on mood and desire.  There is an excellent article on how to walk a person up the endorphin ladder, so that the bottom can fly.

I hate to hear that a bottom is “enduring”.    If your bottom is “enduring” your sadism, then you have reason to feel bad about what you do.  BUT.. if you have learned to make the experience mutually pleasing..  an experience that both you and your bottom enjoy…  then its time to let go of your guilt.

The simple fact is that while it may seem that you are hurting the one you love, S&M is not always as simple as that.   Just a a runner or athlete pushes themselves hard.. then feels pain but also a sense of being more alive..  so too a masochist can be re-energized by someone who knows their needs.. and how to feed those needs..

no pain, no gain…  We understand that person growth is often achieved at some cost.  So it is that the end state of a masochistic scene.. either subspace or flying…  requires a degree of pain to release the chemicals and mindset that is desired.  A sadist who has taken the time to become skilled is not hurting the one they love.. they are helping the one they love reach a state of healing and growth and connection.  This is the battle you may be facing.. to believe that it is true that you are supporting healing, growth, and a mutually satisfying connection.

You do not have to believe that there is a really deep connection between the sadist and masochist.  You can see it for yourself.  The masochist puts tremendous faith into the hands of the sadist.  It is not always well placed.   But when the right sadist comes along.. one that builds their headspace slowly.. that transports them to that  special place… and then cares for them in aftercare.. holds them as they come back up from somewhere else.. and feeds them sweets like chocolate to help rebuild their internal chemical stores…  a connection is built.   I might argue that such a connection often is more intense.. deeper.. more significant than sex.  Certainly its more substantial than casual sex.

Then there is the less moral reason to be a sadist.  If you are a dominant.. and you want to hurt someone, and you have consent.. then why wouldn’t you?  With consent you don’t really need to understand you can just enjoy… to a degree.  You won’t be playing with that person again if you made them endure you, rather you helped them reach the place they wanted to be.

So should you feel badly about yourself if your are a sadist?  Logic says yes.  Persons who don’t understand will say yes.   But… if you’ve taken the time to understand your bottom.. if you have seen them disappear into a special place and then come back to you with love in their eyes..   If they come back to you again and again, hungry for more of what you bring…  then I would argue that others cannot judge that experience from outside the relation.  You have to be inside that relation to judge.   Don’t let others tell you want you can see is true.  Look at the connection you are creating.. the value… the intimacy.. the ultimate pleasure.. and let it guide you to explore deeper.   A sadist can be a bringer of great pleasure..    Let go of your doubts in yourself and trust the evidence before your eyes..

I heard lots of logic in my early days.. it didn’t help me.  This may not help you either if you are struggling with being a sadist.  I understand.  Just be the best you can at what you do.. and trust the evidence.  Lastly.. often a sadist will stop being a sadist for someone they love.. they fall back into pre-sadist thinking.  Don’t.  Once you know you are doing good for someone.. trust it.