Equality vs Equity

If you have read me for awhile then today’s blog is nothing very new.  In fact, there is very little new I have to say..  Most of what I think or have decided I’ve written about.  It kind of makes me feel like I shouldn’t be writing at all.. then someone comes along who has never heard it before and I realize that some things are worth continuing the conversation about..  Sometimes we must repeat what we think is a given, for those who have never heard it before.

Mistress Muroidea was speaking about a thread she was following where a person who was totally into hurting their partner with the S&M side of BDSM.  This person thought that a Dom who controlled their subbie’s weight, and sleep was abusive.  She thought that odd.  I did not.   Misguided perhaps but not all that odd.

People tend to be the sum of their experience.  They form these kinds of opinions based on a number of factors. Perhaps they had first hand experience with a real domestic violence situation, or second hand from a friend.  Perhaps their personal crusade was something else.

We have been fighting for a very long time to stamp out prejudice on many levels.. race, religion, sex, nationality, age, sexual orientation..  The mainstream culture is just now starting to understand that misogyny and homophobia need to be stamped out.  Equality as such has become for many the highest form of human relations.  Rightfully so.

Equality needs to be the foundation of all human relation.  We should approach each person with respect and understanding that nothing we are born into gives us a right to superiority over another.   We need to keep up the fight until every human understands this as a basis for human interaction.

Some persons however have come to think that equality is the end all of the equation.  Some persons have become so entrenched into the fight and the culture of equality that they cannot see this as anything less than the apogee of the struggle.   It is not.

I called equality the foundation and I mean just that.  It is the most basic fundamental place from which ever living person should proceed when dealing with another.  It is not however the gold standard we should all strive to arrive at.  If equality is only the beginning.  Equity is the destination.

When we seek a relationship with another, we seek to derive something special from that closeness.  What we gain will be as personal and different as we are.   What excites one person may turn me off.  I for example am not into sucking toes… or having my toes sucked.. but I do not disparage a person with this desire.  I am happy for them if they can find another who compliments them and shares in their desires.

When a Daddy Dom wants to control his baby girl in every way… what she wears, what she eats, what she can buy, when she sleeps, etc..  then they will exhibit behaviors which will come straight out of a list of red flags for abusers.  If fighting domestic violence is your personal crusade then red flags are all you will see.

If in your mind, equality is the highest form of relation and you are on a constant look out for misogyny, or perhaps have been a victim of real domestic violence, it may be hard or impossible for you to understand how the afore mentioned relation is equitable or even pleasurable.. But I assure you that such relations can and very often are quite so.

In an equitable relation, that which you give is something you do not mind doing so.. there is no regret (there is that word again).   What you gain is exactly what you know you need to feel alive.  To your way of thinking you give up nothing and gain everything.  That others do not understand is not important, in so much as they do not interfere in your life.

Often we live double lives, hiding what we do for the very reason that others might interfere in our lives.   I long to live one day in a world that understands equity..  and respects what two people do for their mutual pleasure without interference.  That would be a wonderful world.  We must move equality to a position of unquestioned respect.. Then and only then can we embrace the value of equity.

There is so much more to say.. the caveats.. about relations fostering love not fear.  About the need for negotiation.   About anger and intimidation, love and forgiveness, honor and appreciation.   Another time.   Just remember my friends.. be you a submissive or a Dominant, you must always approach a new person with equality and respect.

Submissive’s must never forget that until negotiation ends, you are in complete control.  Master’s must ever be vigilant to not rush to command, respecting the need to arrive at power exchanged by consent and negotiation.  What you negotiate is all about equity – the mutual pleasure of two people.  Carpe Diem my friends, be someones great day!

 

Another HOX

Another HOX meeting..

But first, the promised picture of our newly collared pet…
Her scene name is “Princess X”

2019_0215-candles

“Princess X” inspects the candles before the next HOX meeting!

 

The latest meeting was a few days ago but it seems that I just can’t find any free time lately.   The meeting was wonderful even if we did end a little early owing to the bad weather and the drives home that folks had to make.

I brought up the subject of regret, which provided some lively conversation.  Its an interesting subject and one I may devote a blog to.  We learn from out mistakes and each bad decision is an opportunity to learn to make better judgements in the future… so when is it appropriate to regret?  When is it not?

What was particularly cool was that after the dishes were cleared away we did a bondage training/scene.  I love watching the faces of those learning and those experiencing.

Those that are learning are facing that interesting dip into “slave frenzy”.  Its a condition that many who are new to BDSM experience where you can’t get enough interaction and its all so freaking exciting.  You want to try it all and you want to try it all the time.

Then there are the moans and eye fluttering of those experiencing… that delicious moment where you can see their consciousness teetering in and out of that lovely head space we all crave so much.

Princess X didn’t get in the way as much as I though she might, which was nice.  Think I’ll keep this one short, so Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day!

 

 

A new collaring at HOX

I met this stunning beauty with red hair, collared her and took her home to the House of X.  Now…

Izrina and I are not Poly.  Izrina didn’t pout.  In fact, I think Izrina might love her more than I do.  So now I am the Master of two girls in HOX.  It was a long drive out to pick her up so Izrina and I made a day of it.  Her previous owner seemed to approve of us, so that went well.  Before you the wrong idea, my newly collared pet has four feet.

The newest family member at the House of X is a long haired miniature Dachshund.   Izrina thinks she looks more like a Cocker Spaniel.  Maybe.

My first interest was in her training…  a strict regiment of control, praise, and carefully timed treats.  I started with laying out the plan and making sure Izrina knew to follow it.  Izrina was more interested in snuggling and nose kisses.  I pointed out to Izrina that I am her Master but so is she.   Did that make her a Master too?

Nah… Izrina is an Alpha slave.. or will be one day..  That title fits her best.   We had a lot of fun though with the whole collaring, Master, pet terms.  More than one joke there.  Lots of training and attention to follow, which from my perceptive is just plain fun.

She is so tiny and precious.  Every one who sees her wants to hold her and breaks into the whole cuddling baby talk thing.    It heart warming.  I’l post a picture in my next blog.

Life is good.  Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day.

 

 

 

 

I live it, then I write it.. sometimes

If you ever read my first blog or two, somewhere in there I stated something along the lines that I wasn’t seeking an audience.  I am not looking to build my fan base, or pump up my numbers.  I live it, then I write about it.  If that interests you, great.  If not, move on.  I simply can’t invest the emotional resources into caring if anyone else cares.  This blog is all about the value you may find in what I can share, the insights that may help, nothing more.  I like to help.  Its the gift that gives back.

Dear reader, know that my real life as a Master and slave owner is more important than all the electronic world can ever be.  Don’t be sad though, I love that you visit or comment.  I am just trying to explain me..

I don’t live for text.  I don’t have a Facebook account.  I don’t twitter.  Sometimes, very rarely, I snapchat.  Some days I don’t get to my email, or my blog.  Snail mail forget about.  That can pile up quite a bit before I get to throwing out all but the one of two of any interest at all.  I often delete notification of blogs I might have read, because I am that far behind on my electronic life.  Its my real life I live for.

If you look forward to my next install, I appreciate that. It means a lot to me.  If something I have to say has value for you, that pleases me.  I like to think I have learned a thing or two along the way and have a few valuable nuggets to share. That plus its good when we find someone that clicks with the way we think.

You may have noticed there are times when I don’t write for days.  Sometimes weeks.  Hell, I had a few periods where I didn’t check my electronic life for a couple months.  It happens with me.  When you read, you please me.  When you interact you become important to me.  When you become very important, I invite you into my world.

In my world there is always lots to keep up on in my second, electronic life. When I do get to my electronic life, its about this blog, and other peoples blogs, and of course my Fetlife presence as Xtac, the leader of DSG and course the House of X.  Perhaps I am too busy.   I don’t think I checked my gmail in about two weeks.  Tonight we go to a munch.  Busy, busy..

I like it this way.  You don’t need to hear from me all of the time.  I imagine it is nice to get a periodic,  thought out blog, rather than something you have to keep up with.  I am not here to prove something.  I don’t have something to share everyday.   I am here to take my real life, share it when something interesting happens, and see if there is something we can learn.

Here is the thing to remember.  If you made it here, I am honored to have your visits and thoughts.  If you made it into my inner circle I am honored to be there for you.  You will know you are there because you can just call me.   If you live nearby, you can visit any time. If we are friends call me or visit.  Dinner is at 7.   I make exceptions for friends.

I see people all around rising up, starting groups and blog sites.  Everyone is carving out a place.   Some electronically.  I don’t care.  I am not going anywhere and I am not competing for attention.  My follower count goes up and down.  Not important.  If this works for you, you’ll stay.  If not you will move on.   Real friends are a bit like lovers..you can’t force the relationship.  It has to just happen.. and when it does it often lasts a lifetime.

If any of the folks I call friends want to call or visit they will be welcomed.  If I can help, it’s my pleasure.  Better to have a small group of dependable friends than a large group of strangers on a list of friends.  Regardless of how life goes, Let me always be remembered for.. Carpe Diem.. be someone’s great day!

 

 

Johnny Cammareri

Great munch last night.   I do love my peeps… and to talk.. and be in the center of things… wow..  didn’t take long for my Dom side to come out did it?

Dom definition – Doms are grandiose with a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. Doms are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. 

Actually that is the definition of a narcissist but its still pretty spot on.  Except for the empathy part.  A Dom is complicated in that way.  We care deeply about other people but with a tough love that makes it appear we don’t care.  Things will get done or heads will roll!

____..)/..________..)/..________..)/..________..)/..________..)/..________
¯¯¯¯””/(”¯¯¯¯-¯¯””/(”¯¯¯-¯¯¯¯””/(”¯¯¯-¯¯¯¯””/(”¯¯¯-¯¯¯¯””/(”¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

On to Johnny Cammareri….  Johnny is a character in the movie “Moonstruck” which stars Cher and Nicolas Cage.  Johnny is also a subject that came up in the car last night.  Loretta tells her father she is going to marry Johnny and he says: Johnny Cammareri?! But he’s a big baby! And why isn’t he here when you’re telling me this?

A big baby?  That’s one way of putting it.  The answer to her father’s question is because he is in Sicily to see his mother who is dying.  His mother runs his life.  Loretta has become a second mother to him.  She looks for ways to give him orders.  She knows he needs this from the women in his life.  He has no backbone where his mother is concerned.   I got to wondering.

How many stypes still obey their parents every word?  How many Dominants have had to compete with a parent for control of their stype?  What kind of issues did that raise and how were they solved?

I don’t think Johnny’s fictional character is a submissive.  He is something else entirely.  He seems to have an unresolved Oedipus complex.  Freud suggested that boys who do not deal with this conflict effectively become “mother-fixated”  and will seek out romantic partners who resemble their opposite-sex parent.  Sounds like Johnny.

Some aspects of Doms and stype play with this stage in development.   The Daddy Dom and some age play certainly hint at it.  But in a more healthy way I think..  There is none of that unresolved, pent up issues of a true complex.

When I met Izrina her Aunt had much more control over her than I did.  She and her Aunt were very close.  At that point in our relation, I felt like I was competing for control.  I felt that her Aunt’s orders came first, my second.

At the start of our relation that might have been a fair assessment.  Her aunt and I did have one brief run in.. before her fight with cancer  Towards the end she needed 24 hour assistance.   There was a period… after the start of the cancer but before the 24 hour need…. where it was nearly impossible to separate what was care and what was control.  Of course I would be a shallow asshole to deny or question a need and of course I didn’t object  Had she lived it would have been interesting to see how that played out.  We will never know now.  A little of our early history there.

Our history suggests to me that it is plausible that in some cases an stype might be firmly under the control of parents or other family members.  The ways such a situation could play out are endless.  The Dominant needs to be in full control, and come first.   We must cut off other controls without disturbing the support and affection from family.  That is a very delicate dance.  It has to be done in a way that gently but firmly makes the family members see that they were controlling and no longer will be.

Family will come to understand that they can have access but no influence. Some family members won’t be able to see the controlling side of themselves and not adjust well.  They may redirect anger or frustration at the Dom, as if the stype has no say in this.   Some may feel it is their right or be unable to let go of control.

I have mixed feeling about denying access under extreme situations.  At the end of the day a slave has to learn to stand up for themselves and to put a Master first.

The truth is that some stypes have not yet learned they have a say in things.  Even at age 40 or 50.  A person who is an stype in their core will never be completely comfortable with exerting their will.  It is an acquired ability.  This ability though is important because without it many an stype will be taken advantage of.   A Master who knows what they are doing, will help a slave find that inner strength.  You want a slave to be able to stand up for themselves, but also trust and follow your judgement completely.  It goes back to the difference between abuse and consent.

I talked at length with a male sub who sat across from Izrina and I at the munch last night.  His stories were sad in the sense that he has not yet found a Mistress that he can make a long term equitable relation with.

The gentleman sitting across from us had been taken advantage of many times.. one time by a woman cheating on her husband.. who lied that the he was a lawn care person she had hired.. or by pro-doms who squeezed him for work and money with no equity in the relation.  Remember that equity is the expected outcome.  What you receive from a Ds relations should be as valued by you, as what you give.  The relation may not be equal, but the give and take is equitable.

There are always undercurrents of power and emotional forces at work when a child takes a lover.  How an stype and their Dom reach equity and deal with family is interesting.  Lots to think about there.   But back to Johnny…

I have great respect and caring for the submissives in my acquaintance… male and female. I have no respect for Johnny.    Interesting…  Wherein lies the difference?  That lead to some lengthy reflection.  Which is why I ended up in a long, out loud, examination of my feeling and thoughts in the car.  Izrina mostly just listened.  She’s like that.

Carpe Diem my friends.  Be someone’s great day.

 

Consent vs abuse

AKA Diner conversations, take 2….

I once said that the difference between abuse and consent is one fosters love while the other fosters fear.

To talk about this we must dive a little deeper into the differences between truths.  There is objective truth and subjective.

Objective is the alter upon which this modern world worships.  It says that truth is universal and can be tested and proven by careful observation and testing under controls.

Subjective truth is based on your personal experiences.  You can’t prove that God speaks to you or that you saw Big Foot.  These are your memories, personal and not to be proven.  A subjective truth can be as real to you as an objective truth but others must trust you to believe.

And therein lies the problem for consent and abuse.  That we are happy is our subjective reality.   That this works for us is not something we can prove in an objective way.  You can’t use the scientific method of systematic observation, measurement, and experiment, and the formulation, testing, and modification of hypotheses to validate what makes YOU happy.

By the way… side note –  I dislike the term “makes me”  or “makes you”.  You should make you happy.  Nothing else.  Maybe it is a Master thing but I want nothing controlling me but me.  Likewise, I want my slave to accept responsibility for her own happiness.  I can make her do things, but she must choose to make herself happy.  Happiness is always there for us, we just have to choose it.  This may seem foreign or impossible, but it is quite possible.  It is a matter of the perspective you choose.  You may have to choose a subjective reality over an objective.. but its there.. waiting to help you be happy.  For more on this.. read core belief number nine

Some people like cats.  Some like dogs.  Some like a Master and some don’t.  So when we talk about looking for objective factors that show abuse, it can be difficult to define it based solely on a list.  Difficult but possible to a degree…

For example.  Here is a list of signs of abuse which subjectively might be your kink:

  • Feeling like you’re being controlled. This could include your partner telling you how to dress, who you can see or talk to, whether or not you can have a job, or your partner is restricting your access to money.
  • A sense that your partner is objectifying you, treating you more like his or her property than an equal partner.
  • Noticing your partner is “overly kind” outside the home with friends, family or coworkers, and changes into a more threatening person with you behind closed doors.
  • Having a partner who constantly puts you down or calls you names.
  • Feeling fearful that your partner might physically abuse you.
  • A general sense of feeling on edge or not feeling safe.
  • Hit, slap, choke or shove you, or threaten you with weapons

This list, while taken straight out of the signs of abuse… can actual be things people find pleasure in.  It is their subjective reality that this is pleasurable.  To some these are objective signs of abuse.  To others these are a turn on.  Then there are signs of abuse about which we should all be concerned about…

  • Having a partner with a pattern of low self-esteem or who expresses feelings of inadequacy or powerlessness.  ( A Master is confident, almost arrogant.  They have no weakness like low self esteem)
  • Having a partner who constantly blames their outbursts, anger or controlling behavior on external circumstances—a stressful job, family drama, drinking too much or just having a bad day.  ( A Master never allows anger to control them.  When you are angry you have lost control and a Master never loses control )
  • Having your partner who threatens to leave or take your children away from you.  (  Once a collar is on, we do not take it off.  Masters need to build a sense of security.  Punishment by taking away security is counter productive to our intent.  This is tricky because some people need to experience loss before they can appreciate what they have. )
  • Threaten to hurt or actually does hurt your children or pets.  ( Children and pets cannot consent.  Consent is the bedrock.  Enough said.)
  • Threaten to kill themselves or you  ( That person is dangerous.  Get out. )
  • Force you to do things sexually that you’re not comfortable with.  ( If you negotiated it, this is fine.  If you didn’t, it is abuse. )

So what have we learned boys and girls?  A little complicated list.  It really doesn’t have to be that way.  Most things are much more simple than we make them.  At the end of the day it really comes down to this.  A Master fosters love and a sense of security even thought they mind fuck you all the time, and that is very pleasurable.  An abuser is weak, loses control, and fosters an enduring sense of fear for yourself and those around you that is not pleasurable at all, no matter how you try to fool yourself into thinking it is OK.

Avoid abusers.  Give respect until it is lost.  Make a great life.  You can start by being someone’s great day.  Nothing makes your day better than helping someone else make a better life.  Carpe Diem!

Pancakes for breakfast

Last night was DAsT at HOX.  We had a early twenties Mistress in training show up.  There was supposed to be a male subby showing up too.. shame the weather turned bad…  So I let her practice her flogging on Izrina until she was just about to drop into sub space… A lovely time was had by all…  We still have pizza left over.

This morning I had a hankering for some pancakes for breakfast.  Lovely golden brown fluffy little stacks of goodness covered in melted butter and sweet maple syrup.  They were delicious!  If you are wondering the significance of that, read The Pancake Wars.

If it wasn’t negotiated off the table, a Master will always get what they want… count on it.

 

Carpe Diem my friends, be someones great day.

 

Interesting dinner conversations

Dinner conversation at the House of X can often be quite stimulating.  A few recent subjects thread together quite nicely because there is a common theme running through them.

Masters and sadists walk a razor edge between pleasure and abuse for the benefit of our charges.

We had a lovely evening of dinner and conversation and some light bondage and flogging thrown in for good measure.  Five people in all, and all but one were quite interested in certain aspects of BDSM.  A young lady, we will call her Kitty, has an interest in being a bottom. Not a full on slave mind you but she wants her man to step up and be more Dominant and like almost every subby on the planet she doesn’t want to top from the bottom.  If she has to tell him to Dominate her, it doesn’t work.

So much of our conversation was about how the model that he was brought up in, the gold standard for treating women he thinks is his blue print, may be all wrong for the person he is with.

He has get inside Kitty’s head.  He has to understand what makes her tick and then fuck with that.  The best fuck is always starts between the ears.  He has to push certain limits, both Kitty’s and his own.  He has to push the limits in himself that tell him how to respect and treat his woman.  He has to push her limits so she feels his Domination.  It’s an age old problem.. one we often hear.

It is a razor edge that we Master walk.  Sadists too.  When I control every aspect of Izrinia’s life we both derive pleasure from this.  She from service and submission, I from the Domination and positive changes I make in her life.  I must constantly push my Domination deeper, looking ways to keep it fresh.  From the outside looking in, others may only see me using her.  They are not inside feeling the pleasure we both enjoy.  They don’t understand.. and I mean really do not.  It breaks all notions of conduct in a relation they have been taught.  It is the antithesis of their gold standard.

Imagine though if Izrina and I should end our relation.  Izrina could look back and say: “I don’t know what I was thinking at the time.  He abused me.  He used me.”    If  Izrina is to be punished, and I send her to the bedroom to wait for me and leave her there for hours, and she obeys then consent is given.  She can revoke her consent at any time.  When she obeys it is always through consent.  But from the outside looking in others might say I am abusing her.  I am controlling her.  She doesn’t know what she is doing.

What changes consent to abuse and abuse to consent are a fascinating subject.

And that brings yet another dinner conversation: “RJ Kelly”.  RJ has a history which I am trying to pick through the hype on.  Yes he takes in young women and reshapes their lives.  Yes, he Dominates and controls every aspect of their decision making.  Yes, these women often cut off contact with family and old friends.  Yes, after leaving him they often describe this as abuse.  But those that refuse to leave even after their parents beg them to are still apparently consenting and therein lies the question.  Is this history revision?  Was it pleasurable and consenting at the time but through the eyes of a changed life later labeled abuse?   Or is he crossing certain lies that blur consent?  What are those lines that blur consent?   More on that later…  Fascinating subject..

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

“Taking” Izrina

I don’t know if this is common or not.  It’s not a subject that comes up a lot.  When my slave experiences an orgasm, I consider it a gift to me.

Sex is, at least for me, a somewhat primal thing.  Its a “taking thing”.  It is hard for me to see impaling my slave on my throbbing need as anything less than a domination.  It is a taking thing wrapped up in power and possession.

Beneath me, her sounds of pleasure are my reassurance.  Her orgasm an affirmation of consent.  It is a gift of submission, wrapped in the pleasures of flesh, handed to her owner upon the alter of our peculiar love.

Force fantasy, if you know what that is, in reality is just play.  It is fun to play at rough sex but at the end of the day without consent it turns ugly.  Consent is the foundation of bdsm.   It is important to note that neither pleasure nor orgasm are in and of itself consent.  It can be though…

We bring consent to our play in many ways.. through negotiation, through affirmation, through submission, and other ways.

When a slave in the throws of passion whispers “I am your slave”.. when that slave begs for permission to orgasm.. when that slave offers that orgasm as a sign of their submission and love for the Master they serve.. it is pleasing.. at least to this Master.

I love the gifts of orgasm my slave brings to me.  They please me.  Not just because they stroke my ego.  Yes, there is that too in this.  But it is more than that.  In the taking is domination.  In the giving is consensual submission.  How you do this.. through ritual, protocol, rules, and such can magnify the sense of this.

You need to be more than inside the body of your slave.  You need to be in their mind as well.  Demands and control and protocol drive it all deeper and in sex deeper still.  I am all about control, but I can’t separate sex from power.  They are too closely tied.

Not sure if this makes sense, but then it doesn’t have to for anyone else.  It just has to for this Master and his slave.  Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

Slave humor…

Q-What’s the difference between a slave and a mosquito?

A-A slave doesn’t stop sucking on you after you slap it!

=== === === === === === ===

Q-Why do most slaves prefer tilt steering?

A-More headroom!

=== === === === === === ===

Izrina suggestion…

Q-Why does Master like playing “Destroy all Humans 2”?

A-Because when you force a hippy chick to “follow you” they say:  “YES Master!, Boink!”  (Master likes the boink part)

=== === === === === === ===

Any additions?