What do you love?

The title is just a little off topic. I was on a vanilla site and the question was asked: “What do you love about your significant other?” I thought this is easy, I absolutely love my slave-wife. But then I tried to put it into vanilla terms and that is where I found a surprise. Everything I started with was BDSM related, which in turn caused me to wonder what deeper things are there about our relation.

Some are easy to list: Caring, considerate, playful, compassionate, knowledgeable, and someone that makes a good sounding board to run ideas past. Then there are the other things which wouldn’t be appropriate on a vanilla site: she’s a masochist to my sadist, a submissive to my dominant, a SAM or smart ass masochist who gives me that back and forth playfulness which is part mental and part physical.

So yes, I didn’t hit a brick wall. Some things were just a matter of reflecting. But then I thought about how that question applies to others. There is a small danger I think in asking this question. When you question WHY you are happy, you also question IF you are happy or JUST going along rather than face changes. I fear that so much of what we enjoy is transitory, a fleeting exchange of thrills, brief moments of pleasure from mental and physical exchanges that on examination seem perhaps shallow.

But then if the little things in life are not where happiness lies, where then does it? What is big enough to be worthy of being the thing that is enough? Perhaps the problem lies in the notion that happiness should be the end goal. Maybe that’s not it at all. Maybe we need challenges, and obstacles to overcome so that we can have a sense of accomplishment. Maybe, just maybe life isn’t so simple. Maybe, if you can take life as it comes, with all of it’s ups and downs, and still face it with a positive attitude, a desire to make others smile, to be someone’s great day, AND if you can find someone to share that with, someone who will be at your side through it all, then maybe you are more rich than you realize. In this way, I do feel blessed. Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

It begins again

Over the years, there have been many beginnings and endings. I’m talking about friendships, groups, and orgs dedicated to the community we call BDSM. HOX or the House of X is dedicated to education, to the rights and freedoms of those for whom consent is a foundation, and for whom Dominance and Submission is an orientation rather than a choice.

When I founded HOX, it was my hope to create a home for the heart, that endures long, and remains true to those who need to know they are not alone. This place we find ourselves, is a highway, a journey, a desire that takes us ever deeper into who we are.

Some of us have been on this road a long time, and others are just beginning, but we can all share the experience, and in that moment, we know not only that we are not alone, but that we have much to share, both from the perspective of what lies ahead, and from the reminder of the beauty we have already seen but forgotten to appreciate.

HOX aside, there have been many a dungeon over the years that have come and gone. It seems that it is not just political parties that cannot get along. I don’t know what it is, why loving people of a similar passion get into these disagreements that tear us apart. I suppose we are all just looking for what we want from a pool of limited resources, and we tend to fight over the scraps. Or maybe humanity is just shallow, vane, grasping, and inherently evil.

Whatever the cause of these differences, some friendships endure. Some relations are built and stand the test of time. It has been said that if you have five really good friends, people that are there for you, that you are wealthy beyond measure. I concur. The truly good friends, the ones that you can trust, are rare indeed.

But back to the title: It begins again. No doubt you wonder what is beginning again. I’ll tell you. I, with a group of friends are starting yet another BDSM group. This one is called LCC or Leather Culture Club. It is a subsidiary of a Leather group in Florida. Ours is LCC NE or the Leather Culture Club, North East.

We have a meeting space. It is an amazing space centrally located to a number of cities with easy exit from major highways, so if location, location, location is key, this space is perfect. It is also just a skip away from a wonderful diner, which means munches, workshops, and play sessions are all in easy reach of each other. I am hopeful for the future of this group, though I am equally aware of all the groups that have come and gone over the years. Nothing seems to last.

That said, I hope we can have a few good years and that all the various groups in the area can pull together for the common good of those we seek to serve and help. We all have hopes, dreams and desires. We are all looking for something to give meaning and excitement to our lives. We are all on this journey of self discovery. The past is behind us and every moment is an opportunity to begin again, to start new, to get it right. Every journey of one hundred thousand steps begins with one step. What better way to begin, than to start with a friend, and to offer friendship to others, so that we can share this journey together. Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day.

Intense BDSM

BDSM can bring about some of the most intensive feelings that you have ever experienced. 

If BDSM is more than your kink, if it is who you are, then a good BDSM partner can stir excitement, sexual arousal, fear, and love; all of the acceptable and unacceptable feelings come into the being of your soul. (Along with an orgasm or two, hopefully.)

As in horror films there is a terrify and intense sensation that takes control of your body when you feel helpless or when you instill in another that sense of helplessness.

The foundation of BDSM is consent, we are play acting like children, we are pretending that we are helpless or forcing helplessness on another but in our hearts, in the back of any sane and rational mind is the almost disappointing truth that none of it is real.

Therein lies both the keys and the danger.  If you are submissive, some pleasure comes from giving pleasure to another but also there is that feeling like you are helpless, trapped in the evil grip of a person who is both oddly loving and yet equally cruel and unforgiving. 

Your emotions swing from fear, to hate, and back into love for the person who excites you like no other. Perhaps you find yourself reliving being a little girl or little boy, stuck in a world in which you have no control and struggle with feelings of your predicament.

But for that intensity to exist, the line between consent and abuse is forever toyed with like rubbing a bruise.  It is both painful and oddly pleasurable.

As a master you must always walk with swagger, with overpowering confidence that you will always be obeyed, every command followed, every objectionable order swallowed and obeyed.  Your will must reign Supreme.

There must also be times when you recognize true fear, a complete breakdown in belief that consent rules your interactions.  It is important to always toy with that breaking point, never allowing the seeds of doubt to die completely.  You must always keep alive the concern that a psycho lurks just below the surface and could break out at any time.

It is the age old excitement of the bad boy who is good to his girl or the good girl who, when the doors shut and privacy envelops, turns into a super freak.

We want to abandon norms and play with the forbidden.  We always want something intense, that feels real, but carries with it the knowledge that if we say no, and we mean it, then consent rules all.

It is a paradox. We want to be mentally healthy with good values but we also have these demons that tingle and excite.  We would not want to be considered a psycho or broken but we do love to play that role, to try it on, see how it fits.

No matter what side of the slash you gravitate to.. the evil Master or the helpless slave, do not suppress completely your desires.  These can be managed with adherence to consent.  But also know that consent MUST be pushed if the play, the excitement, the sense of primal reality is to have intensity.

Carpe Diem my friends.  Be someone’s great fucking day.

Authority!

When I meet someone new in community, I introduce myself with this little spiel: “High! I’m “X” or MasterX to those who find me worthy. I do not ask people to recognize me as Master though. A person can try to assert authority but true authority comes when people recognize it. So, yeah. MasterX if you find me to be worthy of the title.”

I thought of this while reading an excellent post by Vile. I’d like to share the link to his post here, and suggest that you might want to read this. It is an excellent run down on the various Dtypes out there.

“The Different Masters & Dominants”, by “The kinky world of Vile”:

The Different Masters & Dominants

Of kingdoms and community

Community, that is to say the whole of groups out there that support people who want to dabble in BDSM, or even those for whom BDSM is their identity, are a diverse and large group of persons. It is this “community” that I would love to see more united. Of course that will never happen. There are in my opinion two driving factors that will forever stand in the way of a unified “community”.

The first issue is ego. Every Dtype thinks they know better than anyone else, how to run things and wants to be the one making decisions. In any group, this sets up a power struggle. An analogy might be that community is like Europe in the dark ages and groups are like the little kingdoms that dotted the whole of Europe.

The second factor is financial. Groups need meeting spaces. Meeting spaces cost money. That sets up a need for a good business plan with promotion, securing customers, and developing a brand loyalty to corner the market from a limited number of persons with money, time, and a desire to come to your group.

BDSM needs to come out of the dark ages. We need to stop dividing and start unifying. I don’t have the answers but there is one thing I’m sure of. We need to set aside our differences, and come together for the good of all. I serve the community in my own way, to the best of my ability, for the good of all. I’m sure I’ve made as many friends as enemies. I don’t care.

Europe of the dark ages can never become the European union of modern times, without compromise, flexibility, and a willingness to seek unity for the benefit of all. Military conquest is not the only way to rule the world. There is strength in numbers. It’s easy to pull back, and just tend to your own little part of the world. It is safe and comfortable to shrink your circle, to cut out people, to not get sucked into drama, but it is only in facing the challenges and discomfort of our abrasive interactions that we round off the sharp edges and tumble comfortably together.

What I’m saying here, is a call for we of community to set aside our differences, embrace the challenges of unity, and come together when and how we can. The benefit is lasting and long term friendships as well as the sense that we are not alone in this thing that sets us apart.

To identify as a Dtype, or and stype is to carry a burden, a stigma, a general sense that you will not be accepted for who you are. How important then is it to NOT fight among ourselves? We need to do this as individuals as well as groups. For individuals this is easier. For groups it is harder because of the financial competition. There will always be factors driving us apart but we should never lose sight of the bigger picture. We need to come together. Carpe Diem my friends. Be someone’s great day!

Compartmentalization

My relations with others is compartmentalized. I believe in one-to-one relations. My interactions with you, are entirely separate from my interactions with another. If you love or hate someone else, I still won’t adjust my interactions with that person based on how you feel about them. Nor will I continue to be your friend, if you make demands on me to adjust my friendships to align with yours.

Within this mindset is also loyalty. You should not lie, but just because you do not lie is no reason to arm your enemies with information to hurt you. This carries over into friendships. If you have one of these compartmentalized friendships with two people that hate each other, loyalty to each demands that you keep their secrets, the information that might be used against the other. Information is power. Never betray trust.

I tend to compartmentalize my online presence as well. Fetlife for community interactions, this blog for generic sharing, Facebook for vanilla interactions, and other social media for political rants. Like ghost busters, don’t cross the streams. We wouldn’t want a total protonic reversal!

That said, I recently posted this to my vanilla interface: Consider the humble river stones, polished by the turbulence they lived through, the rough edges smoothed by abrasive contact with others. Be like a river stone. Don’t fear abrasion, summon the courage to embrace it. It’s how we all learn to live together.

This is something that has been rumbling around in my head, principally because of my community involvements. It pains me how we tear at each other. Every time an attempt is made at unity, somehow something shreds it. Take APEX, a group to started to support community in Albany NY. New leadership decided to kick out the founder. Nor is this unique to APEX. Nor is this unique to groups. One slave I know of had problems with two Masters and yet got along famously with another. Or there is a Master I know of that was called out, but has a new slave and those two are getting along famously. There truly is someone for everyone. The opposite is true. There is someone out there that will have a problem with you no matter how well you are liked by most.

It’s a problem with a solution not all will except. The problem is “the man in the mirror”. See? Someone out there is going to be pissed I used a term from a Michael Jackson song that references men and leaves out women. And then there is the trans, non-binary demands. The problem is the same. Like river stones we all have rough edges and it is only by embracing the abrasive nature of others, by exposing ourselves to the beliefs and opinions of others that we can hope to achieve tolerance.

Not that we have to tolerate all other beliefs and opinions. Life is never simple. Sometimes opinion, politics and religion sets a person up with boundaries they won’t cross and will cut off people. Religion is the least tolerant because it’s what your choice in a God has ordered. Probably then political intolerance followed by intolerance for opposing opinion. I’d add that when intolerance leads to a requirement to compromise your own freedoms, then a non-violent response is appropriate, to the degree of the imposition.

So what can we do? Ideally we embrace love. We listen more than we speak. We tolerate free speech. We embrace diversity of thought. But we do not compromise our own values. We tolerate the intolerance of others in so much as they do not impose restrictions on our freedoms. We remove the intolerant people from our inner circle. We seek non-violence and love. Life can be difficult. Work on yourself and leave others to do the same. Remember that while there will always be someone who hates you, there will always be someone who loves you. Walk towards the light. Carpe diem my friends. Be someone’s good day.

The value of quiet strength

President Theodore Roosevelt’s foreign policy was: “speak softly and carry a big stick”. Toxic Masculinity that is restrained, is a good thing. You must know how to be quiet, listen, and observe, but you must also be prepared to unleash a shit storm of violence in response to a threat of violence.

There are those who believe that violence is never justified. I beg to differ. A sociopath does not care how kind or forgiving you may be, because they are incapable of comprehending anything other than their own needs and desires. Your attempt to reach them is futile. The only thing they will understand is the futility of fighting against a determined and superior opponent.

Nor are sociopaths the only consideration in your interactions with the big bad world. Drama exists everywhere. The alpha types often compete for the limited positions of power. The submissive types often fight for the best alpha types. I’ve yet to be in a group that did not start to tear itself apart at the seams over some power struggle, or battle over ideology.

Ideology. OMG! That’s the other big factor in society. If it’s not a battle over the best world view on the realm of spiritual life, then it’s a battle over the best economic model, or the correct path to personal freedom, or the optimal model for governing we the reckless people. We endlessly debate who should have power and what areas of our lives that power will extend over.. either for religious or economic reasons.

This is my personal take after decades of observing, but here goes.

Listen, speak softly, and carry that big stick. Everyone, and everything should be equitable, not equal. Every exchange should be founded in consent, and concluded with equity, that all parties if not happy, are satisfied the best possible exchange was achieved. A lack of achieving parity, or agreement is normal. Dont try to force what isn’t working.

Listen and agree to disagree as necessary. Respect positions of others without compromising your own. Associate with like minded individuals. Remove from your time, those with whom you cannot agree. Choose peace, and to walk away, but be prepared to defend yourself. Violence is a last resort, but do not remove it from your list of options. Wait, listen, and watch.

A person can say anything, but actions speak volumes about a persons true intent. Strive for honesty, but don’t give people who wish you harm, information to harm you with. Honesty does not require you to give all the information you have. Never assume the information you have, is the whole story. Always assume you could be wrong and don’t be embarrassed to admit when you were wrong.

Above all, when possible, wait, listen, watch, with restrained strength.

Joys and dangers of Domination

I can’t imagine being happier. My slave wife fulfills all of my needs and desires and I believe I do the same for her. The key word being “believe”.

It is the nature of the Master/slave relation that many boundaries come down. People talk about “healthy boundaries”, but Masters and slaves often throw aside such cautions and therein lies both the benefit and the danger.

The intensity of the relationship magnifies and if we are honest with ourselves and our partners, a raw and beautiful relationship ensues. There are no secrets, no hidden desires, no pains not discussed. Your partner is your rock, your shelter, your trusted harbor from the storms of life.

If we are honest, there are qualities of Doms and Dommes that are generally considered negative. The Master may have an inflated ego, a desire for power, a sense of entitlement, a need to be recognized. But these are the very qualities that draws a submissive to them. Our bad boy side is quite strong and if we are being honest, many women are drawn to the bad boy.

It’s been said that a man wants a woman who is a lady in public and wild in the bedroom. Put another way, they want a good girl who is only bad with them. Visa-versa, and quite ironically, many women want the man who is a bad boy in public but good to them.

If we carry this over into the Master/slave relation, I think it is fair to say that ideally, while a Dom or Domme may be the bad boy… or girl.. in public, they need to be good with with the slave. Caring, considerate, honest, empathetic, and even showing a touch of humility. This is the ideal.

My slave wife has rituals, rules, and protocols, but our number one thing is the morning ritual. I feel very strongly about this and some days the ritual is performed without thought, in a rush to complete so we can get on with our day. But today I am giving extra thought to the importance our ritual has.

What is this number one ritual? It is the affirmation of consent. My slave wife presents me with a drink, possibly coffee or OJ, and asks: “May this slave serve the Master she loves and chooses”. This language has two underlying principles. First, she is acknowledging that my domination is a gift that she desires and appreciates. But more importantly, that the relation is consensual and that she enters into it of her own free will and more importantly, desire.

Still, even with this ritual in place, it is conceivable that should our relationship come to an end, and she moves on, that she might look back on our time together as abusive. I say this, because I have seen this scenario play out time and time again.

In dungeons, even when you negotiate and then stick to the terms of the negotiation, later on the bottom may claim that you exceeded the negotiated limits. That you abused them. In relations that appear happy at the time, later the bottom may claim that the Dom or Domme was abusive… and yes women Dommes are just as susceptible to being accused of abuse as men Doms. This is not a gender thing. It is a power exchange thing.

Codependency is considered a bad thing, but we of the Master/slave ilk welcome it. So how can we explore ever deeper, the joys of mastery and submission while avoiding the pitfalls? Well, first and foremost we must be honest with ourselves which can be harder to do than one might think. The Dom or Domme must take a role in actively drawing out the feelings and reservations of the submissive. There is absolutely nothing wrong with depending on each other, but the outcome of that dependency must be positive. There must be equity. Both must experience freedom and joy from what they receive from the relation.

It’s tricky. Friends may try to convince a submissive that they are being abused and you may in fact be. Or it may be that your friends are outside looking in and do not understand the joy that you feel in being with someone that nurtures and supports you and does so by controlling and directing you to your betterment. Think of a trainer or coach who pushes you harder, to achieve what you might otherwise have given up on. That is where a great Dom or Domme shines.

I’m not fond of long writings, but I had much to say. I could go on, but let’s end here. Be true to yourself. Reflect on yourself and be honest. Avoid letting those outside your relation influence your thinking. They cannot know you or your partner. But do not flinch from the truth. You will know them by the fruit they bear. If the outcome is good, or bad, acknowledge it and act accordingly. Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

What’s best for your relationship

You are a slave and you have approached a Master about being their slave, but then you are just not feeling the “vibe”, that special tingle you get when interacting with a Dom or Domme. What should you do?

If you are following the three collars, then each new collar comes with a different answer. By the time you reach a final collar, you are pretty much committed to a long term relation and only a massive, unrepentant, or repeated egregious behavior warrants terminating the relation.

If you are in training, any egregious behavior is sufficient to end the relation. If you are under consideration, ANY reason is sufficient to terminate what is not yet established. Nor should there EVER be any guilt or shame in doing so.

A Master/slave relation may not be equal but it most definitely must be equitable. What does that mean, equitable? It means that your slave heart feels as fulfilled by receiving the gift of the Master’s domination, as the Master feel fulfilled by your submission and service. In other words, there is an equality of outcome. You both are getting from your interaction, that which fulfills you.

What we might call a natural slave, is a person who derives pleasure in the service to others. We might also say that a natural slave has a slave heart. The slave heart feels joy in channeling the energy and love from the eternal source, the center of all that is. They are are filled with this bliss until it overflows and bubble up in their pleasing and giving nature.

A slave heart may also feel pain in disappointing, though I caution Dom types to not tolerate this and to admonish slave for allowing this feeling to creep in. It is the Master’s place to recognize and punish failure, not the slaves. In attempting to punish themselves, the slave supplants the position of the Master. don’t do it.

A slave should therefore expect a good Dominant to accept that a relation will not move forward, and encourage the slave to not have any regrets or self recrimination. It is OK. So it is with my prospect for a new house slave.

We recognized early on, that he needs and is drawn to the female energy in his interactions. I will therefore place him under protection while assisting him with connecting to that which he needs, a strong and competent Domme. I am certain that I can guide and help him fullfill his needs. Life as always is good. I find myself immensely please with the direction this prospect has taken. Carpe Diem, my friends. Be someone’s great day.

Intimidating!

There are some Doms (and Dommes) who are very intimidating to slaves. Maybe it’s intimidation, or charisma, or their stern no-nonsense gaze, or maybe they are just assholes, but I love these kinds of Doms. I like to be around them, to watch, and to learn. Some I have seen in action. I have some internet based friendships that I suspect are of this caliber of Dominant.

Being intimidating is more than just words. It is something I can only call “presence”. It does take a person who takes no excuses, combined with well defined rituals, rules, and protocols AND of course the other side of the slash must be one with what we might call a “slave heart”.

For this to work, the slave must be driven to please. They must not only want to please, there must be a level of concern about failing to please, to serve as directed, to not notice or follow the little details that are laid down. When these two types come together – sparks!

For someone outside of the BDSM community, watching one of these interaction is no doubt uncomfortable but when you know that each side of the slash is engaging in exactly what brings them pleasure, it becomes quite the entertaining show. More than that, knowing what we know, it warms my heart to see each side have their secret desires fulfilled.

BDSM is NOT for everyone and even within BDSM there are all kinds of different needs and desires. Some want love, or sex, or Sadomasochism, or power exchange, or maybe just bondage. Just because you find community, does not mean you will find a partner that is a good fit for you. This is partly why I say take it slow. Negotiate. Follow the three collars. When you do connect with a good fit, the search is worth it. Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day.