If you have read me for awhile then today’s blog is nothing very new. In fact, there is very little new I have to say.. Most of what I think or have decided I’ve written about. It kind of makes me feel like I shouldn’t be writing at all.. then someone comes along who has never heard it before and I realize that some things are worth continuing the conversation about.. Sometimes we must repeat what we think is a given, for those who have never heard it before.
Mistress Muroidea was speaking about a thread she was following where a person who was totally into hurting their partner with the S&M side of BDSM. This person thought that a Dom who controlled their subbie’s weight, and sleep was abusive. She thought that odd. I did not. Misguided perhaps but not all that odd.
People tend to be the sum of their experience. They form these kinds of opinions based on a number of factors. Perhaps they had first hand experience with a real domestic violence situation, or second hand from a friend. Perhaps their personal crusade was something else.
We have been fighting for a very long time to stamp out prejudice on many levels.. race, religion, sex, nationality, age, sexual orientation.. The mainstream culture is just now starting to understand that misogyny and homophobia need to be stamped out. Equality as such has become for many the highest form of human relations. Rightfully so.
Equality needs to be the foundation of all human relation. We should approach each person with respect and understanding that nothing we are born into gives us a right to superiority over another. We need to keep up the fight until every human understands this as a basis for human interaction.
Some persons however have come to think that equality is the end all of the equation. Some persons have become so entrenched into the fight and the culture of equality that they cannot see this as anything less than the apogee of the struggle. It is not.
I called equality the foundation and I mean just that. It is the most basic fundamental place from which ever living person should proceed when dealing with another. It is not however the gold standard we should all strive to arrive at. If equality is only the beginning. Equity is the destination.
When we seek a relationship with another, we seek to derive something special from that closeness. What we gain will be as personal and different as we are. What excites one person may turn me off. I for example am not into sucking toes… or having my toes sucked.. but I do not disparage a person with this desire. I am happy for them if they can find another who compliments them and shares in their desires.
When a Daddy Dom wants to control his baby girl in every way… what she wears, what she eats, what she can buy, when she sleeps, etc.. then they will exhibit behaviors which will come straight out of a list of red flags for abusers. If fighting domestic violence is your personal crusade then red flags are all you will see.
If in your mind, equality is the highest form of relation and you are on a constant look out for misogyny, or perhaps have been a victim of real domestic violence, it may be hard or impossible for you to understand how the afore mentioned relation is equitable or even pleasurable.. But I assure you that such relations can and very often are quite so.
In an equitable relation, that which you give is something you do not mind doing so.. there is no regret (there is that word again). What you gain is exactly what you know you need to feel alive. To your way of thinking you give up nothing and gain everything. That others do not understand is not important, in so much as they do not interfere in your life.
Often we live double lives, hiding what we do for the very reason that others might interfere in our lives. I long to live one day in a world that understands equity.. and respects what two people do for their mutual pleasure without interference. That would be a wonderful world. We must move equality to a position of unquestioned respect.. Then and only then can we embrace the value of equity.
There is so much more to say.. the caveats.. about relations fostering love not fear. About the need for negotiation. About anger and intimidation, love and forgiveness, honor and appreciation. Another time. Just remember my friends.. be you a submissive or a Dominant, you must always approach a new person with equality and respect.
Submissive’s must never forget that until negotiation ends, you are in complete control. Master’s must ever be vigilant to not rush to command, respecting the need to arrive at power exchanged by consent and negotiation. What you negotiate is all about equity – the mutual pleasure of two people. Carpe Diem my friends, be someones great day!