Spoiler alert: If you are homophobic, don’t read this.
I have had many dreams in my life.. that is to say life ambitions that wanted to fulfill. Making the House of X or HOX is becoming a reality. Finding someone I think I can grow old with gracefully is another.
My night dreams from while I sleep however I rarely remember. I wake and sometimes I remember briefly then forget again. Other times I wake suddenly and the dream is still with me. This is one of those night dreams. It was 2:30 am.
I was out with a friend… a motor head… drinking with some other buddies. We were talking engines and tuneups and horsepower tweaks. They all decided that we should switch bars but something got mixed up and we ended up at the wrong next spot. We were bragging about who was the most drunk and suddenly we were at my friends home… not sure how that happened.. scenery just changes sometimes in a dream.
Since I was really, really drunk and I basically just wanted to sleep I asked him to take me home and that’s when he leaned in…
He had long blond hair and stubble of a mustache and beard not grown in yet.. sort of a George Michael look with these really pouty full lips. His eyes still wide open.. but close enough I knew he was thinking we should kiss. I pulled back and held up a hand. “Woah!” I said. “I’ve always been heterosexual.”
He said nothing but sat back looking crushed and I suddenly felt really, really bad for him. I wondered if I did something to lead him on. “It’s not that I’m homophobic” I said to him. “It’s just that it wouldn’t be fair to you”. “I would never get an erection”.
( Now that is not entirely true because if I wasn’t in a monogamous relation I would take a blowjob from any gender but it was a dream and that didn’t come up in the conversation.. not sure why).
He turned to me and suddenly I thought – Oh fuck… why not. So I grabbed him by his long hair pulled him in beneath me, closed my eyes and gave him a long passionate kiss. Ever the Dom, I totally controlled the situation and he just melted. Ignore for a moment that this was gay.
Just imagine the sweetest kiss you have ever had.. the intensity, the longing. There is that first tender brush of softness, of wetness, that presses harder and harder as you pass that first awkward moment and dive into the passion of the moment. Eyes closed, you dive headlong into just the feeling of that moment.. Your mind disconnects and a zen like state of connection opens.. with just two people intensely feeling hunger and need as one.
We both came up for air and it was in that moment that I woke. I lay in bed, half asleep and half awake.. remembering.. and drifting in and out the dream state. In that moment he pulled me back into the dream state, grabbed my cock and began sucking.
I fully awoke then and suddenly was filled with the feeling.. Oh my God what have I done? This person is going to have such a terribly strong feeling of love and I will certainly find someone else and hurt them horribly. They will give and give hoping to be my everything and never fully win my heart in return.
I was fully awake then.. filled with mixed feelings all jumbled and confused. I thought of the women in my ast with whom I have shared similar situations.. and others… Like I said, I’ve never been homophobic. I list in Fetlife as heteroflexible.
It’s now 3:15 am. I wanted to write it all down while I could remember it. There are two people from my past that I am thinking of now.. Persons I would have hooked up with if they or I were not with someone else at the time.
Dreams don’t always present pictures of exactly who or what we are thinking of, they often just present the feelings we have been going over. In our dreams our feelings are showed to us in different situations and pictures. It’s what you feel in a dream that is important… It’s the feelings of a dream that tell us something important, not the images.
I also believe dreams are another realm and I wondered if I was dancing with someone’s waking consciousness that dream and if so with who? I have much to consider in my waking life.
So there you have it.. the un-tarnished truth of my experience for what ever it does or doesn’t do for you. Love is love not matter what body it comes with. Sexual attraction is what it is and if you do or don’t get attracted to one type or another it is nothing to get worked up about. We worry too much about what does or doesn’t turn us on.
A heterosexual person should not be embarrassed or need to apologize for not being aroused by the same sex any more than a homosexual person should have to be embarrassed fro what arouses them. Nor do we have to “get” why some people are different. We just have to respect that we are different. We are wired the way we are. We need to get over it if we are different.
More importantly, the world needs more love. We need to care for each other. We need to be courteous, considerate, and respectful. We fear the unknown… its natural.. but we need to boldly trust that diversity can make use stronger, when both sides respect each-others opposing views. By the same token, there is no need to respect a person who won’t respect you. Carpe Diem my friends. Go forth and make a great day for yourself and do it by being someone’s great day!