Why THREE collars are important

Buckle up boys and girls, X is going all un-apologetically old-school on your ass… yes.. I know I should be consensual about it and many a Dominant type is going to be all like.. you keep your hands off my ass, but I just cant’s help it!  I feel very strongly about this one.

The question on the table is: What the fuck is this THREE collars crap?  Glad you asked.  I give workshops on collars and I am not going to go into great detail about all the nuances of collars.   I am just going to go into the subject of the three classic collars. They are: consideration, training, and final.  Maybe some day when I’m bored, I’ll post something about how you might want to consider a romantic collaring, or spiritual, or private or classic.  Or maybe you might want to be sold.. with a collaring ceremony run as a property transaction, complete with papers of ownership, a slave registry, a registration tattoo, and an inspection before purchase.  Someday.. maybe..

Now if you are not familiar with the three classic collars, no need to fret.  And for the love of God, let’s not start the discussion about Leathermen and  the roots of this.  If you don’t want to accept the three collars as “classic” I am OK with that.  I don’t want to have a discussion about it.  Traditions or not, the three classic collars serve an extremely valuable purpose and if we can’t agree on anything else, let’s at least review what the purpose is.. then tell me if you don’t agree on the value.

Holy crap batman, I’ve seen this before.. it’s slave frenzy!  When a newbie hits the streets for the first time.. . a thing called  “slave frenzy” sets in.   It’s all new to you, and it’s freaking hot and sexy.  Maybe you hit a dungeon and some dude is like.. oooh new flesh.. and they do a suspension scene.. completely consensual, and the ropes slide over skin, and the harness tightens.. and your feet slip out from under you, and the suspension scene kicks in.. and you are fucking flying.. not just literally but in subspace too.  And you want more.. its a fucking carnival and you want to try every ride.  And you gotta, gotta, gotta have a Dominant and oh my lord I just gotta do this 24×7.  Whooooaaaaa Nellie!  Pull those reins back.. you’re a runaway slave in full slave frenzy mode!  Yep!  It happens.  It’s the time when the disreputable types move in for an easy piece of ass.

The slave with the sad eyes, sits in the corner... Even the most seasoned slaves can feel used after they have been through the mill of bad relations a few times.  They offered their trust and submission to someone that was..incompatible.  Maybe the top wasn’t honest, or maybe you weren’t honest with yourself..or you just wanted to be owned so fucking much.. that you overlooked some shit.. you could bear it.. whatever.. it didn’t work.  Now the scene is all shit and you have this big hole where your heart and juicy sex used to be and you want it back.. but trust is so hard to give again.

The last thing I want to do is blow sunshine up your skirt.. or kilt… I have better things to do up there!   Hmmm.. I mean, I don’t want to give you false hope.  I don’t have all the answers, but the classic collars serve a purpose and the a fore mentioned problems are just part of what they solve.   So let’s get to it, shall we?


Collar of consideration.  The consideration collar is a bit like wearing a class ring on a necklace, this means you are going “steady”..  Hey.. I’m nearly 60.. I don’t know. do kids still go “steady”?  Maybe there is a better analogy, but when a slave and an owner come to an agreement, when they both think they might have something in common, the first thing they both want to do is let others know that there is a relationship.

Now it seems to me that nearly everyone is willing to hit on someone that is smoking hot, even if they are married, or an owned slave.  There are a lot of unscrupulous people out there. So marking your territory with a collar is of very limited value.  Only the people who understand respect are going to care that you marked your territory and those types wouldn’t be a problem in the first place.. So let’s just gloss over that as a value.. it’s not anymore.

What DOES have value is that before a Master offers a collar of consideration, before a slave accepts his or her collar, there is an opportunity for discussion. It’s a time for negotiation, to find out what’s going on inside the Dominants head. What does he or she see in this slave?  What kind of training would they offer?  How deep is this submission thing going to go?

It should also be understood that consideration means just that.  There is not commitment..on either side… Its a contract that no one should feel bad about breaking.  You are in a simple phase that might last from three to twelve months, depending on how each of you think its going.  This slows down the frenzy.. it gives time for you to both think rationally, and to realize if you are walking into a mistake.  There is time to reverse course, back out, realize that what seemed perfect at first glance, won’t be.

Training Collar.  The next collar is the training collar.  This is like an engagement ring and I am fairly sure those are still in use.  Here is the beautiful thing about a a training collar.  By the time three to twelve months have gone by, you will have had plenty of time to figure out if you both like anal or not.  If you like a leather massage or a caning.  Does the Master you are entering into a relationship push harder than you can enjoy?  Are you floating or just holding on and waiting for it to end?   You HAVE to be honest.  This isn’t about admitting you ate the last of his cherished Oreo cookies.  You are figuring out if this thing is going to work.  It’s really, really important, and the training collar says.. you got this.. you know in your heart that negotiations are over.. you are ready for this Bad boy of Dominance.. or girl.. to take you!

With a collar of consideration, you didn’t need to ask if your three responsibilities* would be respected.  You didn’t need to know if you were giving up the first of your three areas of choice*.  You didn’t need to figure out which of the four areas of TPE negotiations* would apply to this submission.  Now you have to have that shit figured out!

The training collar means negotiations are in their final stages.  Oh, you may be tweaking them here and there, but for the most part, now you know exactly where this thing is heading.  Are you starting to see the value now?   The three classic collars is a build up, these provide times to stop and pause, to reflect, and to rejoice at a new level of achievement in your relation.  Speaking of rejoicing..

The FINAL collar – We pray.. Masters and slaves alike, that the final collar IS the final collar we will ever put on.  Most come with a padlock.  They stay on.. for life.  They come with a collaring ceremony, surrounded by friends and acquaintances from all over the community.  It’s a time, not unlike a wedding, when you take the BIG plunge.  This is the one that you won’t back out of.  The consideration was nothing.. easy to break.  The training could fail, for no ones fault.  You could discover you are incompatible and split.  But the final collar, oooo baby, that’s the one.  That means yes!  The Master is saying, this is the canvas I want.  I look forward to a life of swimming deeper and deeper into his or her psyche.  I have tasted submission and it is good.  I will have it, claim it, stand above it, and carry it in times of need.  All that is left is to decide what KIND of ceremony fits you.


 

So many question unanswered.  This is just a primer… a peek at the world of collars.  It is why I give workshops on it.  This is important stuff.  But mostly, I encourage people to consider following the three classic collars.

One question would be.. what kind of collar should I get?  What should it be made of?  Does it have to be around the neck?  Can I take it off?   Who owns the collar?  Can I hide it?  What if I want it off?  So many question, but no answers now.. Its too much info for one blog.  My workshops usually run about two hours.   I blog more on this another time – perhaps.

All I want you to do is think about the concept of three collars. It’s an idea that has merit. The value of taking time to reflect on where you are going, and pausing to have a discussion each time you make a bigger commitment, is something I will always support.. even if it is a bit old-school and not popular.  It makes sense to me.. and I plan to continue to promote it as long as people invite me to speak.
Well that was a long one.. as usual.  I really do love to hear myself speak, don’t you think? Ah.. its not all bad.  I have a good idea once in a while.  Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day.

 

Related   (* was mentioned above)

 

 

 

I am ignoring you, slave!

Unbelievable! – Can you imagine a responsible Master saying to their slave, “I am ignoring you!”?  Neither can I.   At first blush, I would say NO Master would ever do that.  We are sworn to take away your burdens, to shoulder your worries, we listen dutifully and we act.

Truth is it happens, it happens all the time, and its not a bad thing.  A few years back in the “Cult of fury”  (a dungeon  that was discovered and closed down by panicky nilla’s), I watched as a friend did a scene with his bottom.  She whined and complained and he just ignored her and went on with the scene and I smiled.  I worked for them. I turn to that memory every now and then.

Its a fact that we have safe words because no doesn’t mean no.  In fact, its kind of hot when you ignore a No!, and keep on going.  It gives you that feeling of authenticity, it makes our consensual non-consent relations feel more real.

I was speaking with Vile, a blogger who I am on page with like ivory soap.. 99.9 percent pure, all good info, all the time.  He noted something similar.  There are times that he is exactly like I describe myself.. a slow, steady, unmovable force pushing until his slave molds comfortably, happily, to his desires. I bet Arianna ( his slave ) and Izrina could swap some great stories..

Support groups!  What we don’t talk about is that THIS is part of what we sometimes do. We DON’T listen.  Oh we hear the protests, the No!, the objection to where we are taking you, but we are going to do it anyway. This is why slaves need support groups.. so they can get together and agree that we are assholes but they still love us.  A great slave will promote the one they serve in public, putting forth only the goods side. That is another reason why support groups are helpful.  We all have these things that we don’t talk about, like the times an Owner didn’t listen.  In the comfort of your fellow slaves company, then is a good time to share, to know we all experience similar things, and agree that its actually a good thing, and sometimes kind of hot.

Deal with it!  In the TPE (total power exchange) or CNC (consensual non-consent) agreement, you signed up for this.  You gave us all this power and we are going to make you do things, that you in your heart know you wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t for us.

Its not that we don’t listen, we do.. but and forgive me because I know you are not children so this makes a poor analogy, but we do sometimes treat you like children who are whining about chores.  We hear you and we are still going to make you do them anyway.  Sometimes the results are awesome.

The good side – She who is my canvas, Izrina, if she is NOT in the middle of being made to do something and therefore in a less generous mood.. will tell you that I have pushed her into many things and in many ways she is much better off for it.  Specifically in the areas of health and finance, I’ve made very useful changes in her life.

Speaking of Izrina, she has been listed as a Boot Black in the 2017 North East Power Exchange competitions schedules page (here).  She’s nervous, but once she is sitting with her sister slaves, that will calm right down.  I love to see slaves working and laughing together.

IMPORTANT STUFF!   I think its important to note that at times a CNC may appear to actually be NOT consensual.  Slaves whine, and complain, and object, and we go right on doing things anyway.

Sometimes its hot!..On your back wench and spread your legs!  Sometimes not so much.. My back is killing me.. can I just do oral service?

Sometimes Dominants appear to be insensitive, and on one level we are.  Its kind of like the old tough love thing, we have to harden ourselves to push you to the places you asked us to make you go.

Nothing is ever as easy or simple as it sounds. When you get right down to it, a real Dominant is always open to criticisms of abuse, both physical and verbal. A slave gives the gift of trust.  We don’t think about it very often, but in a way, a Dominant gives a lot of trust too.  We are often risking very real, legal intervention in our lives.  We take on this risk, in part because we too trust.  That is, we trust this won’t be turned against us.


When you hear bad things about Dominants, here are two quotes to go with it.

Remember this-EVERY accusation of consent violation has a predator and a victim..every one. The real question is, who is the predator and who is the victim? ~ Xtac Quote

If you ever hear a bad story about me understand that there was a time I was good to those people too, but they wont tell you that. ~ Author unknown

Related

The THREE slave areas of choice

An external slave, one who is enslaved by external forces, has no choices.  An internal slave, one who is enslaved by their own desires to engage in submission and consensual slavery, has a world of choices.. until one day.

One day that slave, having been responsible for years, and having honed his or her skills in decision making, and having protected the property that is their body, keeping it safe for the Owner who would one day take possession, finally finds and requests the gift of domination, and is scared and excited to find that Dominant has chosen to bestow that gift upon them.

On that day, when a slave enters into consideration, then training, to be a slave for the Dominant of their desire, on that day their areas of choice narrows significantly.

Some might argue, a slave makes one decision, the owner they would serve. I find that to be a simple and uncompelling concept and patently wrong… a slave does not choose the owner, that violates the very core of control.  I present to you a richer, more full look at the areas of choice a consensual slave has.. regardless of how their owner prefers to structure their TPE.


Who, What, When

Area 1)   Who gives commands – The consensual slave retains the choice of the individuals to whom they give their ultimate gift, the gift of trust. Once a choice is made, the consensual slave will make known their desire to submit, requesting the gift of Domination, mentoring, or protection. This choice may be negotiated away.

An un-owned a slave can and must judge the Dominants they would offer their trust to.  Be it for a scene, or a protector, a mentor, or a possible owner, the consensual slave must exercise their first responsibility as a slave, drawing upon all the wisdom they have so far accumulated, in the selection of who to trust.   An owned slave may relinquish their responsibility to choose wisely who they will trust, giving that responsibility to the one they serve – all the more reason to choose wisely.  An owned slave may retain this area of choice completely, if it is negotiated as part of the TPE agreement.  If a slave gives this area of choice into the control of their Dominant, the slave no longer retains the right to chose who to trust, though they may still have a voice in the process. This is the first area of choice that any consensual slave starts with.  It may be negotiated away.


Area 2)  What commands are accepted – The owned consensual slave will faithfully execute all commands of the dominant they serve but will choose wisely the manner in which they resist commands that violate their responsibilities to the property, its values, and its ethics.  This choice may not be negotiated away.

A slave will ALWAYS be responsible for the commands they accept.  You must weigh commands against your values and ethics and those that don’t measure up must not be accepted.  You should not accept harm to the property that is your body.. Pain maybe, but no lasting significant harm.  Lastly, you may retain those areas that are agreed to under the four areas of TPE negation.

The responsible Dominant will understand a slaves values and ethics are a higher priority and might even test that a slave is still acting as the final arbitrator of right choice, and right action, as defined by the slaves personal values and ethics.  A good Dominant needs to know that the core values are intact.

Many a slave has committed acts they later regretted because they failed to exercise this area of choice. This area of choice MUST be retained.  This is the second area of choice for any consensual slave.  It may not be negotiated away.


Area 3)  When to withdraw consent – A consensual slave may choose to exercise the power of withdrawing consent, knowing that any time the power of consent is exercised, may be the last time they do so as an slave of that owner. This choice is fundamental to BDSM and is impossible to remove under the concepts of consensual internalized enslavement.

Any consensual slave ethically and legally retains the right at any time to withdraw consent.  Consensual slavery is founded on the concept in internalized enslavement.  To not acknowledge this is to shift into external enslavement – enslavement enforced not by desire, but by fear and intimidation – and it is evil.

The consensual slave can not control what commands they will be given or when.  They have submitted their body and mind into the will of another and given the ultimate gift of a slave, complete trust that this submission will be used honorably, in accordance with the four areas of TPE negotiation, and within the slaves core beliefs, values and ethics.

If an owner violates that trust, repeatedly and without repentance, it is encumbrance upon the consensual slave to exercise good decision making and withdraw consent.  The owner may in return choose to remove his or her collar.  These are decisions not to be taken lightly, but the right to withdraw consent is always present, always an option. Both slave and Owner would do well to remember this.   This the third area of choice for any consensual slave.  It exists always, in every minute of submission, even if that submission lasts a lifetime.


Being the arrogant pompous ass that I am, I like to think that this is a much better approach than the simple.. you are a slave.. you do everything I say thing.  Call it my version of best practices if you like.  Reality dictates that is this is just my opinion, but being a Dominant, I naturally think that I am brilliant and therefore this must be spot on. I am pleased with this final draft.

 

Related

 

Does your humility interfere with your slavery?

I like a shy slave.  A “we’re not worthy” kind of slave.  I feel like those slaves really understand my gift of Dominance…  But then reality sets in…

I can’t tell you the number of times a slave has said something like: “I don’t know if I am good enough..”   My response is.. “What?!!! Do you think I would pick out garbage to give my gift to?  Do you think I don’t know what I want?  Are you trying to tell me what I like?”  Those kinds of questions will usually have such a slave stammering almost immediately, and retreating even further into the comfort of their shy retreat.  Here comes the social sadist side..wait for it.. Not that once engaged I would allow a retreat!

I sat with a Dominant one night who was on a rant about slaves who would quit rather than try.  Submission wasn’t enough. He had to have something more.  I wasn’t on the same page with him.  Again, I thought, I like those shy kinds of slaves who seem to want to drop to their knees and wail.. I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy..

I might be coming around to his thinking though.  If you are a slave and you like being in the shadow of a strong public Master, that can be a wonderful thing.  But regardless of being owned or not owned, there is a downside to shyness and humility. I have always known that this needed attention but now I am starting to think it is something to take much more seriously into consideration.


The problem with humility and shyness is two fold. 

First, when you have an abundance of shyness and humility before you are owned, you may make decisions for a Dominant that they don’t want you to make for them.  Like to not approach them with the offer of your trust.   You may feel unworthy, leading you to undervalue yourself.  It’s easy to do and all too common among people who really, really need submission to be free.

Second, when you have an abundance of shyness and humility after you are owned, this may get in the way of a direct command.  You may feel that everything you do for Master must be perfect, so that others know what a good owner he or she is, and how obedient and faithful you are.  Now in the course of these fears you may over think, over research, over do a task.  Or you may even balk at the task for fear that it is beyond you.

So the question becomes, how do you over come these limitations?  The answers are many, though only some may work for you.


Overcoming the limitation of humility and shyness

Your value is measured by what you bring to a relation, not by the relation itself. 

Never forget that with or without an owner, you are a slave.  A slave is property and every property has value.  Your value isn’t in your willingness to comply, or your level of submission, though these are important.  Your value lies in your honesty, and your decision making.  Your Dominant will determine if your submission fits.  Honesty is absolutely critical to the slave’s gift of..trust.  Can you be honest?  Can you use that honesty to make a real decision?  Then you have value.  NEVER forget it.

Note: This bears repeating.  Submission is not a gift and ultimate submission is not the ultimate gift.  The slaves ultimate gift is trust. When trust is coupled with honesty, you can find someone truly compatible and that makes your level of submission work.  Trust, honesty, consent.. they work together.

An offer of Domination means someone sees your value

It doesn’t matter if its a scene for one night, or a collar of consideration, when a Dominant offers the gift of their Domination, it is not your place to question their decision. You may accept or reject the offer but the fact they did offer, means that they see potential in you.  If you accept, THEY will decide if you are the right slave for them.  You have been given two great gifts..validation of your value.. and you have been given the chance to lighten your burdens, to place all of your worries into the hands of one who will handle your worries for you.

NOTE: You might want to know what they see in you.  Hopefully its not just an easy piece of ass.  That is not how it should work, and that is NOT a sign of valuing you.

Worries are not yours

If you accept the gift of Domination, your worries.. should be stricken from your vocabulary. THEY ARE NOT YOURS!  A dominant should above all be making decisions and the most important decisions they can make are the ones that lighten your load.  What is the point of giving your ultimate gift..trust.. if it isn’t used.  Give completely of yourself.  Allow yourself to FEEL the trust you have given.  Trust that you can speak of your fears, concerns, and worries. Let your Dominant help shoulder them.  Of course a Dominant may also add to your worries, pushing you to achieve more. Again trust your Dominant to do the right thing.

Punishments are not yours

When you have an abundance of humility, you will often feel that your work isn’t good enough. You will want to punish yourself for screw ups.  You might keep playing that last screw up over and over in your mind.  You should not be allowed to do that. I wouldn’t allow it. 

Just as all worries should go to the Dominant, punishments are the property of the Dominant as well. The Dominant will forgive, or choose the punishment. They will choose how quickly to provide punishment.  They will provide the relief of knowing the punishment is over.  They should not want you beating yourself up. We Dominants want our slaves to be happy and you can’t be if you are beating yourself up.  Don’t do it.

Decisions are not yours

Well, not all decisions belong to the Dominant. Studies show that moral fiber degrades when all authority is removed.  A slave will ALWAYS be responsible for the commands they accept.  You must weigh commands against your values and ethics and those that don’t measure up must not be accepted.  You should not accept harm to the property that is your body.. Pain maybe, but no lasting significant harm.  Lastly, you may retain those areas that are agreed to under the four areas of TPE negation.

That being said all other decisions belong to the owner..  Even a submissive who is not owned, but has an abundance of humility and shyness, should question if the decisions you make are being made FOR ONE PERSON OR TWO?  Be honest. Ask yourself, am I deciding for me only, or does my decision maybe interfere with the wishes of the one I serve?  If it interferes, that becomes a worry and worry should be discussed.  So discuss it.. easy peasy.

Your worthiness to serve is not your decision

Here is what I as a Master want to hear when I give an order and you feel you are not worthy:    “Yes Master – this slave will try to be worthy of its Master’s trust and praise.

That answer tells me that you understand that I make the decisions. It tells me that you will try to obey to the best of your ability.  It tells me you have doubts in your ability but you will trust in my judgemenvt.

How good is good enough for a Dominant?

This answer comes to us from Vile – A good Master knows his slave’s limits and would never give a task knowing there would be failure.  This is what I expect from you. I expect you to do the best you can do. If this is done you have pleased me.  See his blog here.


It is not easy always easy to slide into these mindsets.  It may take years of service to a Master to get to the point where this all happens without thought. But a successful Dominant will keep working at, creating a place of deeper submission and trust.

To create the mindset of Master and slave, we must have the two key ingredients..

  • The gift of a slave’s trust
  • The gift of a Master’s Domination

The slave mindset needs to be centered around trust that the power given, will be used wisely, for the betterment of both. The Dominant, to create that condition must use the power that is exchanged in constructive ways.   The slave trusts that this is so.  A slave is not weak.  It takes great strength to overcome humility, shyness, fear, and other factors until you can finally to trust another so completely that you will give up substantial power in exchange for the gift of Domination.

Many a slave is strong of will, but the successful Dominant is stronger.  Like an irresistible force meeting an unmovable object, the successful Dominant applies his or her will without anger. They apply their will with love and patience; an irresistible force brought to bear upon the slave until they mold comfortably, happily, to the will of the Master.

It’s a great day to be alive.. Go be someone’s great day… Carpe diem my friends!

 


Related

Assholes of BDSM

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.

Sure, a lot of people like anal but nobody wants to deal with a really big asshole.  Seems there are a lot of us running around the BDSM community.  Yeah, I said us.   I’m one too.  I really try to be all consensual and sensitive and what not but I still have this social sadist streak a mile wide and sometimes I can’t help but rub your rhubarb the wrong way.

Take the munch I like to go to.  Their invite page was, in my less than humble opinion, in need of a professional overhaul.  So I contacted the leader and offered my services.. to make it all pretty and what not.  He was all like.. that would be great, and I was hoping to get you involved..etc…  So I put up a test page on my own site for him to look at and he took offense.. I had posted something for his group without checking with him first or with permission and I should take it down immediately.  Boy did my asshole side come out then.  We still talk, and are quite cordial but I don’t think our friendship has ever been the same.  Now don’t go taking sides.. you don’t know the flames I sent on that one, so let’s just say I did the thing I do.. slow, with no anger, but an irresistible force, hell bent on my way, damned if i am changing course.  Can you say: “Damned the torpedo’s full steam ahead!”

Or the time I was leading a Masters and slave support group.  The group has a rule.. all slaves will sit on the chairs and not at their owners feet.  The idea is to put people on equal ground.  Well, I am thinking.. my slave isn’t participating, and its my damn slave, and I get to decide what to do with her.  Who the hell are these people to tell me what to do with my slave.  LOL.. THIS in a group I am moderating.  While my points are all true, I was a guest moderator and its their group and their rules, which makes a change in the rules something open for discussion, not an edict.  Well my insistence blew up and so I made Izrina wait in the car.  I refused to let her sit beside me.  I was going to have my way  no matter what. Yeah, I can be a big idiot.  Not always.. but I have my moments.

A side note on that.. I am really proud of her.. that is always a warm memory.  She did as she was told and it was quite a few hours until I later came out.  Turns out it was too hot to leave the windows up, and too many bugs to leave them down, so she never really got comfortable, but she stuck it out because Master said so.. Yeah, really good memory for me. Reminds me of what a good slave she is.

Now there are other assholes out there too.  Maybe they think they have the “one true way”, or maybe they call it “Best practices: ( I like that one) but either way they are convinced they are genius’s of human nature and born to lead the BDSM community.. have you noticed I have a touch of that in me?  You have?  Good.. Because next I am going to release my “Three areas of choice for slaves”.

What gives me the right to go putting out ideas and best practices like that?  Well the fact I am a flaming asshole of course.. Well that and that I do spend a lot of time studying people and thinking and writing and I like to share.. but let’s go with the antagonistic approach and just say its because.. Fuck you.. I said so and I’m an asshole.. I’m good with that.

The THREE slave responsibilities

A slave has three responsibilities.  These are not shocking and not so different from anyone else, but they are critical to establishing a foundation for the slave’s three areas of choice.


1) Decisions – A consensual slave will strive to make good decisions, guided by their personal ethics at all times.

We do not own any object of this earth.  Not even our bodies do we really own.  All will return to dust one day.  Even time is not ours to own. We can not add another minute of time to our lives.  All that we truly own, are our decisions.  Nothing therefore, is more important than the decisions we make.  What guides our most important decisions is our code of ethics.  What we believe above all else to be right behavior, right action, just action. It is therefore imperative that our personal ethics be our highest responsibility, before all else, even before the will of the Master whom a slave desires to serve.  The responsible slave practices good decision making, and ethics, with or without a Master.  This is the consensual slave’s first responsibility.


2) Protection – A consensual slave will protect the property that is themselves, and the property of the Owner, as long as this protection is not in conflict with responsibility one.

Every property owner expects that when another uses their property, that it will be protected, and cared for, and returned in good shape.  So it is that every responsible slave will protect and care for the body, mind and health that is the property of the Master they serve, or the owner they will one day serve.  They will seek to do the same for the Master’s other assets.  And if that Master shows no regard for the damage they might cause the property, the responsible slave will protect that property even from the owner, until said owner returns to their proper appreciation for the property.  This is the consensual slave’s second responsibility.


3) Submission – A consensual slave will obey all commands of the Owner they serve and none other, as long as the orders* are not in conflict with responsibility one or two.

Slavery may be external and coerced or slavery may be internal and consensual.  We in BDSM recognize that love can only co-exist with power under the terms of consent and reject external slavery.  The un-owned consensual slave has no responsibility to submission but the owned consensual slave is completely responsible for their submission; forever mindful that protection and ethics are higher priorities.   The consensual slave that seeks the freedom that comes of submission, that comes of total trust, of the knowledge that your burdens are another’s, of the knowledge that the will of two people has truly become one; this slave must strive with all the trust they can give, to exchange all power to the Master they serve, placing their will into the control of that Master, with as little reservation and resistance as they can muster. This is the consensual slave’s third responsibility. 

*Orders may further be narrowed during TPE negotiation.


These are the THREE responsibilities of a slave.  They are the foundation on which a slave’s three areas of choice are built.  I am pleased with the final draft.

 


Related

 

The FOUR areas of TPE negotiation

If you were starting to think this is a nifty journal but I have nothing to lecture on or share, au contraire.


I have often heard folks in the BDSM community offer a simple explanation for the difference between a sub and a slave: A slave makes one choice, who they will serve. Well! When you put it that way it seems pretty simple.

The problem is, when two people enter into an intense relationship, things are NEVER that simple. If you knew my slave you’d understand! Don’t get me wrong, I own my properties body and mind. Her talent, intelligence, and time is a tool of my will. But there is much more to a person than a body and mind.

I actually count four areas of discussion when entering into a CNC (consensual non-consent) or TPE ( total power exchange).

1 – The body and mind

A TPE relation attempts to approximate what it would be like to be a sold slave whose body is complete commercial property. Actually.. a collaring ceremony can be conducted as a selling transaction, but I digress.

When negotiating ownership of the body, be aware that if the owner later discovers cutting and scarification and wants to try that on his or her slave, its their right. So negotiate up front hard limits. Hard limits are a necessary part of taking ownership. I personally feel if something wasn’t negotiated before taking ownership, there needs to be some leeway, but that’s a personal preference.

An owner should also have total access to the mind of his or her property. No personal boundaries should exist. I personally want the slave to set up a guardian, a part of the slave’s mind that records things that I might want to know, and reports daily, like playing back a recording.

2- Finances

The first was body and mind which is a simple, given understanding, of total slavery. Some might argue that finances automatically come with consensual slavery. Others not so much. A slave who turns over all their money and assets had better be damn sure they know what they are doing.

In a workshop a few years back a person asked how they should intervene. They had a friend in trouble.  Their friend of was a slave with a substantial amount of wealth and it was being recklessly spent and taken by their Mistress. Money. It’s not the mind or body of the slave but it is most certainly a means to self determination. When a Master controls the a slave’s access to money it influences almost everything they can do and say outside of the relationship. Controlling access to money is also a tool of abusers.

I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t discuss controlling your slave’s financial assets or that doing so makes you an abuser.  I am just pointing out when you are entering into those initial discussion of a consensual power exchange that finances are an area worthy of treating as a discussion separate from the body and mind. A second area if you will.

Here is something interesting to consider. A lifetime of financial gain is more easily lost than acquired.  Does your slave care more about turning over their body and mind, or more about a lifetime of financial progress?  Does finacial control build or destroy trust?  What does that mean?  Should an owner provide for the future care of a trusted slave in the event he or she releases his slave, or dies?    What does that mean financially? To what purpose should finances be controlled? Interesting stuff. Discuss it.

3 -Children

When children come into the negotiations, there will quite possibly be a significant other from the past who has a legal right to interfere in the children’s well being. This is not up for debate. The law is involved. This HAS to be an area of discussion.

Many parents treat their children like slaves. We choose who they can see, where they go, what they wear, what they eat, what they learn, what tasks they will do. Childhood is the last vestige of real slavery. During negotiations, a child should NOT be thought of as a possession of the slave and therefore by extension property of the property. Just because a parent who is a slave is transferring all decision making authority to the Master or Mistress, they are still a parent.

Being a parent often means putting your children first. Good stuff to consider when negotiating a M/s relation. ~ X Quote

4 – Religion and God

And that brings us to the fourth area.  In one collaring ceremony I attended, the Master took possession of the slave – body, mind, and soul. I cringed. I do not believe in taking possession of souls, but I do believe myself extremely qualified to lead my slave and I towards enlightenment. But that’s my person belief, and one my property entrusts into my care. I don’t know if the Master in the collaring ceremony gave as much thought as I would give to a phrase like that.

Maybe you are an atheist, or agnostic, Christian, spiritualist, wiccan, or are one with the force. My point is that often our passion and beliefs are tied together in strong ways. Being a Master or Mistress does not mean that you need to be the spiritual leader for your slave, or force being an atheist on them – though you could if consented to. A person’s soul is worthy of discussion. If you desire to direct the soul of another to the truth as you believe, this is the fourth and final area worthy of discussion.


I could go into great detail on each section, but that’s enough to chew on for now.  Man!  I’ve been doing this way too long. I have such strong feelings about the best way to do things, its hard not to feel I have all the answers – which makes it hard to be humble. which comes across as asshole if I am not careful.  Trying here.. Carpe Diem my friends.. Go be someones great day.

Related

Quotes by XTAC ( Ecstasy)

Last addition was in 2017, January 8th.

What is quote worthy?

What makes a thing quote worthy? Like all quote worthy comments, its elegant simplicity belays the deeply profound thoughts that arise, the more you ruminate upon it. Or it is just wisdom so important, its a keeper.

Over the years I have written and spoken a lot so by shear volume I have to have said something useful a few times.  Every now and then when it happens that I think…Hey! That’s pretty good.. I write it down in my list of quotes.  Over the years, this list has gotten to be quite long, so you may not want to consume this whole thing in one bite.

That being said, two blogs ago when I listed my favorite quotes by others, I promised that I would share my own quotes list.  Now is that later I mentioned.  You may want to bookmark this page because I add to it all of the time and because once in a while, some of this stuff is an inspirational “pick me up”.  You can also find this again quickly by clicking on the “About” section at the top of any page, My Quotes are linked there.

Related:  Quotes by others


Xtac Quotes
Presented in the order they were created

I can not create a minute, even the minutes of my life belong to a higher force. The only thing I truly own, are my choices. ~Xtac Quote

Evil in this life is a self inflicted wound in the spiritual world” ~Xtac Quote

The strength I draw from, helps me to be supportive in a calm, reasoned, loving way, no matter how you pummel me with your needs or your pains. But that strength is a double edged sword. Just because I won’t abandon you, doesn’t mean I am weak, and it doesn’t that I will take you back if you leave. Never mistake my kindness for weakness. ~Xtac Quote

With my fist, I can only take the pleasures that are demanded or which I beat from you, and so become a slave myself. But when I take your neediness with an open hand and feed you the pleasure of your submission, I create a desire to return. This is how I become the Master. ~Xtac Quote

Explained: This is about internal slavery vs external slavery.  The Master who takes without consent becomes the slave. They are wrong, and they know it, and must forever live with the knowledge that their world is tenuously held together by force, anger and evil. They are a slave to that which is required to keep it together.  Now this is true throughout the full spectrum of consent.  At one end is the domestic abuser (external control).  At the other end is the mutually happy Ds couple (internalized control).  There is every possibility in between, but to become a Master, you must learn to internalize slavery; learn how to feed your slave on the pleasure of their own submission.

I have found, that almost every submissive has a secret key locked away in her heart and her mind, begging to be found. Any master can have her pleasures, but only a great Master can find the key, and when he does, she comes undone, but is forever more, held in the grip of the man that set her free. Given time, that Master is usually me. ~Xtac Quote

A true slave, in every fiber of their being, feels nothing without the ability to serve. Serving is happiness, and only a Master makes this possible. Serving a Master is our gift. Trusting the Master to use your service well, is your gift. ~Xtac Quote

A true slave does not give the gift of service, they give the gift of trust. ~Xtac Quote

In love, I am like a mirror. This is not a simple metaphor. It has taken me years to understand how to be a good lover. A mirror lives for interaction. When engaged, it is present, totally in the moment, and when left, does not pine or cling for the next interaction. No, a mirror is, completely content to just be, and like a mirror, when a lover comes to me, I am truth reflected, need reflected. I am all that you bring: desire, passion, compassion. I am there for, and completely with you; focused on and in that moment. There is much more, but put simply, to be a good lover, I must be a mirror. ~Xtac Quote

“Comfort the afflicted, afflict the comfortable. A creed for the responsible Sadist, if ever there was one. ~Xtac Quote (first sentence is part of a Finley Peter Dunne quote regarding newspapers)

I truly regret, there is not enough of me to go around. ~Xtac Quote

Judgement will not be passed upon you from my behavior, so stop trying to take responsibility from me. Own your own choices, prepare yourself for judgement, keep God in your way, and I’ll do the same. ~Xtac Quote

Submission is not weakness. It takes more strength to be submissive than Dominant. ~Xtac Quote

“It takes more strength to be a slave than a Master. You may disagree but it is the slave who demonstrates strength and courage with their commitment to an uncommon currency; the currency of trust, honesty, and love” ~Xtac Quote

It is strange to a Nilla, that in bondage, a slave finds freedom. But in keeping boundaries, these same people create a prison from which their hearts are never truly free. This is a sadness that pains and frustrates me. I wish they could see, what I see. ~Xtac Quote

Eternity and infinity hold all possibilities and in a state of all possibilities existing simultaneously, rationality can not function. ~Xtac Quote

A very small segment of the population understands that reality obeys the observer. That is fortunate. This knowledge was not meant for everyone. ~Xtac Quote

What everyone should do, is choose wisely, that which they focus their attention, passion, and energy upon. ~Xtac Quote

I refer to Love as a noun, but it only has real meaning as a verb ~Xtac Quote

We are all students of life. ~Xtac Quote

When pursuing the mysteries of life; seeking higher truths, remember that every real truth is a paradox. This is why, the smarter we get, the less we know. ~Xtac Quote

I must remember to be thankful you can interfere in my life. Free will enables us all to grow. Be careful how you use it, however. That sword cuts both ways. ~Xtac Quote

Great leaders (and Dominants) do not shy from conflict. They do however attempt to make the outcome of conflicts constructive, rather than destructive. ~Xtac Quote

When this is your orientation, your passion is the journey of a lifetime. We are all on different points in this journey, but we share the same road. ~Xtac Quote, speaking on bdsm

Doing the right thing, is always the right thing to do. ~Xtac Quote

What is right, is always right in front of me, if I listen. ~Xtac Quote

Truth is personal. People rarely share the same truths. This is because each of us lives in our own world. ~Xtac Quote

I find that when my choices are not aligned with my alliances, it often confuses both my friends and enemies and that is OK. Owning a decision made upon independent and original thought is never going to be easy. ~Xtac Quote

When you approach each decision upon its own merits, this results in an apparent inconsistency and that is as it should be, for real truth often seems counter intuitive. ~Xtac Quote

Figure out how your audience needs to hear your message and it will be heard. HOW you say something is nearly as important as what you say. ~Xtac Quote

Hate only hurts the one that holds it. ~Xtac Quote

The only titles of value are those acquired thru recognition by others. One claims that title by exercising that recognition, not asserting it. ~Xtac Quote

When people make decisions about what is right thought and right behavior, and construct a framework for enforcing what they believe, zealots are born. This is the cauldron from which many a poisonous religious and governmental brew is born. ~Xtac Quote

The truth is, Love and Empathy guide us to what is right, not people. The more we deviate from this truth, and the more complicated our explanation, the more likely we have let passion, blind compassion. ~Xtac Quote

It is fair and actually the most honest thought you can have, to acknowledge that every encounter between two people seeks to an exchange of some sort that is, if not equitable, then advantageous. ~xtac quote

Ethics is a way of assessing if claims of an inequitable exchange have merit, and the degree of outrage and action that should result. Morality however is bullshit. ~ Xtac Quote

Cheaters ALWAYS prosper, until they get greedy, THEN you catch them at it. ~ Xtac Quote

What people do reveals what they really think and feel. Even if we do not ignore the words and do not observe actions consciously, we still know this instinctively. This is why trust takes so long. ~Xtac Quote

Some people will say anything, its what they will do that is limited ~ Xtac Quote

Life is my spiritual path, but BDSM is how I share it. In this life, I serve by leading those who serve. I see the ying and the yang through out life and in BDSM, I can express it with passion and compassion, two sides of the same, each of us in our sacred role. ~ Xtac Quote

Many people will offer advice on what you should believe or do. Politely but firmly reject any advice you have carefully considered before. But if the advice is new, be prepared to reevaluate your thinking. Don’t allow appearing to have been wrong, to get in the way of actually being right. ~ Xtac Quote

Remember this-EVERY accusation of consent violation has a predator and a victim..every one. The real question is, who is the predator and who is the victim? ~ Xtac Quote

I am thankful for beautiful skies, my inner guide, and the universe through which I offer myself as a conduit. I am thankful for my canvas, she with whom I practice serving those who serve. I am thankful for that which gives meaning to my life. I am thankful for those who have shared moments with me, letting me be part of their life, as I am part of theirs. ~ Xtac Quote, Thanksgiving 2014

Place your head before of your heart, before you place your heart before your head. Respect is not earned, its a reflection of your own values, but trust, that is earned. Once earned though, you must follow your heart. ~ Xtac Quote

Argue to the intelligence of your point not to people. If you find yourself in a cage with monkeys, what would the point be to trying to convince them to stop throwing shit? ~ Xtac Quote

I firmly believe that some sacred cows were meant to be made into hamburger before consumption. ~ Xtac Quote

You must understand that some beliefs are at war with each other. ~ Xtac Quote

BDSM is what we make of it. As we travel on this journey together, we all find what it means for us personally, what works for us, what makes us personally come alive. Where it gets interesting, is when we try to explain to others what we think and why its worth sharing. Then it gets very interesting indeed. ~ Xtac Quote

It might be said that the Utopian ideal of universal equality is a path that leads to anarchy. It is only through equality AND consent that we can happily enter into a larger group to find our place in the natural structures of power that we create together. ~ Xtac Quote

The most important part of giving, is the taking. ~ Xtac Quote

It can be terribly frustrating to have something of value to say and no one will listen. This then is the truth of giving and taking. Taking is the most important part of giving. ~ Xtac Quote

When we understand that taking is the most important part of giving, suddenly we see why a Master or Owner is important to a slave. The owner is what gives meaning to the deep and abiding need to serve. ~ Xtac Quote

If you don’t think ideas are dangerous, make a list of words ending in “ism”. Every “ism” has followers willing to bitterly fight and possibly die over words. ~ Xtac Quote

Our value is determined by what we bring to a relationship, not the relationship itself. ~ Xtac Quote

Some argue that submission does not take strength. It does. Dominance does not require strength. It requires the gentle patience to apply irresistible force to the strength of that submission, until it bends comfortably, happily, to your will. ~Xtac Quote

Hatred is a self inflicted sickness of the body and mind. If you hold hate it will grow stronger. The more you embrace it, the weaker you become. Like all sicknesses, if it is not beaten, hatred will ultimately consume its host. ~Xtac Quote

When I say stype, I am saying I know that you identify as a submissive or a slave and fit into what we all recognize as one of those labels but that I am not judging. I am removing the choice of submissive or slave so that I can have a dialog in which we better understand you without the label, how your level of submission and obedience guides your self-identity. ~Xtac Quote

What is the value of a word if that word has no value until the person using it personally defines it? Welcome to the complex world of subs and slaves. ~Xtac Quote

If a word has no meaning until the person using it personally defines it, then why even have that word in the first place? What is the value of a word that has no value? None. Words such as slave, consensual slave and submissive need definitions ~Xtac Quote

You must ever be mindful to manage the mind, not the body of the slave. ~Xtac Quote

Pick your audience. Words have cultural and emotional associations in addition to their literal meanings and connotations. Or just say fuck it, today I don’t care if the monkeys are going to fling shit ~ Xtac Quote

Carl Jung says that “where power predominates, there love is lacking.” I say: “Power without consent promotes evil, but power with consent promotes love.” ~ Xtac Quote

The highest form of society is not based on gender or equality, but on consent. ONLY when our right to consent is not suppressed, can love and power coexist within the natural systems of power all around us. ~ Xtac Quote

Only through consent can we create the opportunity to experience unbridled love and power together. ~ Xtac Quote

I am instantly suspicious of any person that seeks real power, power that cannot be contested, because I believe their personal motivations are far from altruistic ~ Xtac quote

Power exercised without consent begets evil ~ Xtac Quote

To fight evil, we must become the evil we fight. To not fight is to have the good we possess extinguished. What choice then is left to us? ~ Xtac Quote

Plans are just a framework on which life happens. Might as well enjoy the ride. ~ Xtac Quote

Adults don’t make children, children make adults ~ X Quote

I do not fear death, only the pain required to pass through it. I welcome death, the moment when I can again be in the light. ~ X Quote

Much in the way that a slave finds greater freedom in their chains, a thought we understand and agree upon, it too can be said that a much needed cathartic release may require the quiet aftermath of being broken, when all struggles surrender to peaceful acceptance. ~ X Quote

The pleasure of slavery can not exist without consent but true slavery can not exist with consent. It would seem a paradox impossible to resolve, but it is not. ~ X Quote

Serendipity happens. I often wonder why the people I come into contact with, were presented in that time and place. How will this weave into the fabric that will become the lessons of this life? ~ X Quote

You can not teach orientation ~ X Quote

Just remember that what you seek you will not find, but in the path of your happiness, when you are loving life the most, what you were seeking will find you. ~ X Quote

Respect for diversity is good, its even better as respect for diversity of thought. ~ X Quote

Being sensitive does not entitle you to hate on the insensitive. ~ X Quote

Opportunity is nothing without the will and ability to capitalize on it, and visa-versa. ~ X Quote

When reaching for goals, gauge your progress by each success-no matter how small- AND each setback.  Each success tells us that if we did it once, we can do it again.  Each setback provides knowledge that puts us closer to our next success. The only real failure, is to give up. ~ X Quote

Believe, or do not believe, there is no middle ground ~ X Quote

The complexity of a slave’s mind or any mind for that matter, holds the fascination of this Master.. incessantly. ~ X Quote

The cure for radical points of view is almost always for you to do the very thing thing you are trying to stop. ~ X Quote

In every Ds relation there are three participants.. the Dominant, the submissive, and the relation. All three have needs. ~ X Quote, from ideas put forth in a munch discussion.

Being a parent often means putting your children first. Good stuff to consider when negotiating a M/s relation. ~ X Quote


Think Clinton, or clitoris, whatever works ~Xtac Quote

  • Note: if we are friends, ask what this means, but be prepared. The explanation takes a few paragraphs. The short version is this: “Hold your head high, try to keep your dignity and sense of humor, no matter how bad it gets.”

Voting – because opinions are a curious thing!

Purpose – The link to this page will be found at the top of every post along with other useful links.  This page has one purpose.  To bring together all blogs that request your vote. That way, all past, present and future votes can be found in one place.

FUN! – I am a curious fellow.. in many ways.. but that’s a longer discussion.  For me, thinking and observing and observing and thinking about people is fun.  I write for fun, and these surveys or polls are for fun.  I could give a rat’s ass about proving a point.  I beg you to join in that fun as we explore what our lives and desires mean.  Hmm however if I knew who I was speaking to.. that request might take a more commanding tone…

PM me with suggestions! If you want to see another survey, private message me on Fetlife. I am XTAC there as well as here.


Survey 01 – Identity ResearchIs there a connection between BDSM self-identity and politics?   Help explore that question together!

Survey 02 – Sorry.. I’m busy with my slave right now.. come back later.

 

 




Transparency – To my knowledge, this is entirely anonymous.  This long-ass, boring section to designed to let you know everything I know about these polls.  I am big on transparency and earning trust, so here goes.   I have looked and can’t find anything in this WordPress tool that tells ME who voted or how.  If I find out otherwise, I’ll post that information.  That being said, the internet is funded by advertising.  I can’t promise that WordPress or some other entity isn’t interested and able to link votes to WordPress accounts. If I find out otherwise about others I’ll post that as well.  Not sure who would want to know or why but I am suspicious by nature.   Oh, also this..The totals must be in a database somewhere, but it was mentioned that your vote is held on a cookie which is why you can’t vote twice.. Cookies are stored on YOUR computer.  These cookies should expire in about a week. Good tech info for you to have.

Munch and fur flying

I know that I promised to follow my list of quotes by others with some of my own, but I strongly suspect you are reading this for the BDSM content and not to hear me pontificate.  Since tonight’s munch was interesting, I’m going there.  I’ll get to my quotes tomorrow.. promise.


Munch, munch, munch…  Someone once told me that a munch was a meeting over lunch.. Not sure the origins of this term but its been in use quite a while.  It’s been bitter cold so I packed Izrina in furs and off we went to a local munch.   I like them.  Its an opportunity for me to be my gentleman sadist, and get her coat and doors.  If you want more on that, use the “search for words” tool on the right side of this blog and search for the word, “gentleman”.  In fact, if you haven’t used that tool before, I encourage you to experiment.  I use it all the time to find blogs I know I’ve written.

Rolling into the scene…We, and by that I mean I, picked an open spot at a table with a gentleman who was at the house party this past weekend.  Across from me was an older couple I had not spent a lot of time with.  Then a newbie couple came in and joined us, sitting right across from us.

The gentleman of the older couple had a strong interest in rope, and his Fetname implies this is what he is all about rope.  He and his bottom have been together for thirteen years.  The new couple, were as you might expect, a bit nervous about this whole munch thing, having never been to anything community related before.  I was anxious to disarm them, make them feel welcomed, and answer questions.

As you can well imagine, I love when I have an opportunity to speak with newbies.  It gives me a chance to pontificate, which of course I did at some length.. speaking to them about finding a way to communicate your self identity, about Ds, BD, SM.  They had never heard of subspace which lead to after care and a number of other subjects.


And then the fur started flying! – Every time I opened my mouth though, the bottom in the older couple interjected with comments about how “everyone is different” and “advise from one person doesn’t fit everyone”.  And then I would point out, yes, but I hate that kind of talk, because some things are intrinsically true.  Plus we need people to share all of the tools in their toolbox so we can find the ones that work for us.  We share so that everyone has a full toolbox.

I would then move on to another subject, to be interrupted again.  Back and forth it went. I began to wonder why the top was so quiet.  I began to wonder if the bottom wasn’t really running that show.  I didn’t however offer that thought, because they didn’t offer information about their dynamic and I believe that everyone deserves respect until they lose it.

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

Anyway, I got across my major points, a flurry of ideas to absorb and then pointed out people at the munch they wanted to speak with, to get vetted for the next rope workshop.  They left to go start that process and I had a chance to speak further with the older couple. THEN, the top started speaking, taking soft jabs at my Domination of the conversation.

Seems the bottom’s father was a diplomat, and she grew up with protocol.  It was a very big part of her growing up.. and she didn’t want to ever go back to that.  He hit me with the fact that while they liked the local dungeon, but he didn’t like the fact that many of the people  there were hard core into protocol.  He and his “slave” felt pressured to adopt protocols in their relation.

Suddenly all the puzzle pieces fit into place.  This was a couple who were really into rope, and mildly into Ds.  In their minds that didn’t diminish them as a Dominant or submissive. He felt like others didn’t treat him like a “real dominant” because of their loose format.   From my perspective, with him being quiet the whole time and she being so vocal, I would by my definitions, never consider them to be Master and slave.  I might consider what I observed Dominant and submissive, but only very mildly.  I can see why others might point this out to them.  But I also wouldn’t insult their feelings about their relation by insisting on driving that point.

If I were to do a deeper dive into this, I would guess that he has had to compromise on protocols because it is important to her.  He wants to be a Master, but her hard limits and vocal nature gives him only two choices.. cut her loose or accept the dynamic.  After thirteen years, he’s not going to cut her loose.  They appear to be happy with who they are, and already feel defensive about it, so no point in fur flying over that.  There is only one problem with me keeping quiet as I did.

The problem with silence – This is a couple who will be active in the community. They will rail against the “one true way” and “definitions of identities”. They will put forth that soft mushy idea that you can’t define these things.  They will dilute MY reality, by insisting on theirs.

If a word has no meaning until the person using it personally defines it, then why even have that word in the first place?  What is the value of a word that has no value?  None.  Words such as slave, consensual slave, and submissive need definitions ~Xtac Quote

They will continue to object to any solid advice under the banner of fighting the oppression of the “one true way”.  They will constantly muddy the water of definitions and mentoring because of they don’t want to feel diminished.  I don’t understand why a submissive or Dominant has to feel diminished when I say they are not a slave and Master.  They are choosing to not seek a TPE.  They chose to be Dominant and submissive. Why can’t they be happy with that?  Why diminish MY relation by redefining it? There IS a difference between TPE and submission.  We call that difference slave or submissive. Yes there are different kinds of Master/slave relations but what they share is the common goal to approximate being an un-consensual slave.  From history we know what a real slave is.  Today’s modern consensual slave is borrowing on that term.  Ah well.. this argument is ancient.  I like the older couple, but I don’t like what they think, and I can accept both of these things.

There will always be Dominants and submissives who don’t want to be told they are not Masters and slaves, and there will always be Masters and slaves who are offended by Dominants and submissives dilute the hardcore life we lead by insisting on watering down the conditions required to claim that title.  Might as well ask why left wing and right wing politics don’t get along…

We get into our heads the way a thing needs to be, and then set out to make everyone else agree to our reality, so that we don’t have to change.  No cure for it really.  I could propose that everyone just relax, and realize that the problem is you.  By that I mean that you need to stop trying to impose your reality on mine.. but… and here is the funny part.. I have to impose MY reality about that on YOU to get YOU to stop imposing your reality on ME.  It’s kind of funny when you step back and look at it.

The cure for radical points of view is almost always for you to do the very thing thing you are trying to stop.  The only way to get a religious radical to stop trying to convert you, is to convert them.   The only way to stop a killer, is to kill them.  Why do we kill a killer?  Do we kill a killer to show that killing is wrong?  No.. we do it to stop them, so we can live the way we want. Its weird when you really look at it.  To stop a thing you don’t like, you often have to DO the thing you don’t like.

Argue to the intelligence of your point not to people. If you find yourself in a cage with monkeys, what would the point be to trying to convince them to stop throwing shit? ~ Xtac Quote


I think I am just going to move into a cave with my slave and let the whole world eat itself!


Another interesting thing came of this evening.  There was a Master who was ostracized from the local community for consent violation.  I asked often for details about that.  For the most part, I got vague generalities, mostly about gas-lighting, and one solid example.  The older gentleman gave me some much better examples of why descriptions of his abuses seemed vague.  He describe how this Master was a person who carved out special privileges, treating others as needing his guidance, using his position of respect to interfere, belittling people if they didn’t accept him get involved, and stepping into their scenes and control under his own assumption that as a brilliant and accomplished Master he was just mentoring, not meddling.  That IS consent violation.  You have to be invited, before you can mentor a person or meddle in a scene.  That was good information.

Listening helps!  Let me wrap this up with something that proves you need to listen to others, even if you don’t agree.  The bottom, who kept interrupting, and wasn’t stopped by her top.. she had a new and rather brilliant comment tonight.  She said in essence that in every Ds relation that you have to take into account three things.  She then listed the needs of the Dominant,  the submissive, and the relation; pointing out that all three had needs that should be taken into account.  It was in response to me quoting some “Kinky Vile” comments about Masters and slaves needing to be compatible in their needs.

This three participants idea is brilliant.  I’ve reformulated that conversation into a new quote:  In every Ds relation there are three participants.. the Dominant, the submissive, and the relation.  All three have needs.  Brilliant!  That is very quote worthy!.  And that takes me back to quotes in general.  The truth is that no idea is new.  Every quote I have thought up has been thought of before, by someone, somewhere, at some time.  We just rediscover these things over and over. People like myself who take credit for brilliance are only able to do so because we are students of life, and we listen, then put this stuff back into bite size pieces of critical information for consumption.

Constants!  There really isn’t anything new under the sun. or the moon either. I often point to Romeo and Juliet as proof that no matter how we change, basic human interaction remains a constant.  We recognize the motivations of these fictional lovers from hundreds of years ago, and thousands of year from now, these motivations and reactions will still be recognizable.  Just one more reason to stop the assault of the one true way.  I am not suggesting there IS one true way.  What I am saying is that to move forward, we have to stop being fuzzy on definitions, and start to accept that there ARE good solid training techniques, ARE practices proven by  time to be effective, ARE useful behavior modification methods, and sharing these are important to who and what we are.

Anyway..  it was a good evening.  I got in some time to pontificate. I got to share some ideas with you. and I even got to see my slave turn red faced when I put her on the spot at the munch..always a pleasure in public.  Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day.