Today is the day of the much dreaded gift store and mandatory vacation gift shopping. I am not a fan. I hate trinkets and clutter. Except if the clutter is books, entertainment, or tools. These I can never get enough of.
So as we were walking through the amusement park, I found myself behind a dad and his son and they were having a talk. It went something like this:
- Son > You were mean.
- Dad > I was angry, you were not listening
- Son > But its bad to be mean, right?
- Dad > Yes.
The talk went on like this and I wanted to say, there are times when someone isn’t listening that anger is an effective tool in making that person pay attention, to realize the you are quite serious and that there will be consequences if we can’t reach an understanding.
But then I remember that I don’t believe in using anger with my slave. So the puzzle began to unravel. I do believe there are times anger is an effective tool. I also think that being angry with a slave shows a lack of control. I felt like there was a deeper understanding of slavery, control, and Mastery in these thoughts.
When you deal with people, and you must achieve certain outcomes, there needs to be a series of actions you can take that result in final compliance. I see some kids screaming at the top of their lungs and I really think they need a serious wake up call. A child who has spent their life getting over on authority is not well served when they come into conflict with a police officer who has no time for non-compliance.
Children are adults in training. Life is not fair and is often cruel. When a child begins to think of themselves as an irresistible force, it would be better for everyone if their first lesson from an immovable object was a spanking instead of a beat-down, handcuffs, and jail time. Better to learn that you don’t fuck with some people, and learn that early when the lesson heals quicker.
Speaking of needing a beating, a mother was walking ahead of us with three boys and they were kicking the railings and climbing them and generally acting like uncontrollable vandals, and the mother said to them, “Stop that or they will kick you out of the park”. One of the boys, 4 or 5 years old I would guess, turned and said.. “no they won’t”. I wondered about that. How does a kid that young learn that an adult is lying to them.. and not be intimidated by a threat? Probably because the mom has lied and made false threats consistently. Another Ds lesson. Don’t threaten unless you are prepared to follow through and always follow through.
One mother drew all her kids in a circle and said.. OK, no whining, no bitching, and no fighting with each other. You will be nice to each other or so help me, I will beat the hell out of you. And the youngest one, a little girl of maybe four said.. Yeah! We gotta listen to our parents. I liked that mom right away. You go girl!
Back to anger, and a series of actions or consequences. You don’t have to be angry to lay out a series of consequences, each one more strict than the last. In fact, there is something more scary about the very intense, very under control, person who is capable of dealing out punishment. The last option is usually, the termination of the relation. You can not take this option off the table, even in marriage. You can not allow yourself to sink into a frustration that sees no options left. There are always ethical options left. I think anger is the last resort for people who have run out of options. And therein lies yet another important lesson of Ds.
To be good at this, you need to be intelligent enough, and creative enough, that you never run out of options. Sometimes motivation can be a look, a word, and sometimes it means pushing button that you are aware of from a deeper understanding of the person you are with. To be a great Master, you must have all of these tools, and bring them to bear in such a way that you control the mind, not the body, of your slave. You must create joy in service, regret from dissatisfaction, happiness from compliance, self inflicted pain from failure, relief from stress, and on and on. You must observe constantly, and never fail to make a change when the actions, attitude, and service of your slave calls for your attention. This is the joy of power exchange. At first, it takes thought. You will have so much nilla thinking to shake off. Later, it is a natural as breathing.