The value of equality – In our local support group for Doms and subs, Doms are expected to be less like a Mistress or Master and check their egos at the door. Slaves and subs are expected to be more like dominants, speak up, and find their voice. One rule designed to accomplish this is – Slaves may not sit at the feet of the Master they serve.
It has been two days and two blogs since the Doms and Subs meeting in which I challenged the standing rule that slaves are not permitted to sit at the feet of the Master they serve, while in the local support group.
Time to dig into the pros and cons of this policy.
The pros of making everyone equal – In the discussions that followed my direct, and honey badger like refusal to comply to this rule, four key reasons why we had the rule emerged. I will now present them here. There was considerable discussion, but these four reasons stand out as the key points. They are: 1) Envy from someone is not owned and wants “what he/she has”. 2) Envy from someone who was denied the right to be where they want. 3) A slave at my feet projects an entirely stronger sense of Dominance, making it harder to speak as an equal. 4) You may not observe, you must participate.
1) Wants what “he/she has” – When you go to a support group you want to come away feeling like you have answers to the things you want to know. You don’t want to come away from a support group feeling more desperate, lonely and needy than when you walked in. When a sub or Dom who has no one in their life is surrounded by people who have someone, it can create the feeling that you don’t belong, or that you are as good of a sub/Dom. There can arise that “outside looking in” feeling, which is counter productive to the support objective.
2) Envy to be yourself – I list this because it came up, but I have a hard time defending this as a reason for the rule. Its more about the situation I created, than the rule. At least one person said, I want to be at Masters feet and was denied that, why does she get to? Really, when I decided to ignore the rule and MADE my slave sit at my feet, I tapped into something some subs were feeling, but couldn’t or didn’t challenge. If there is no rule and anyone can sit where they want, there can be no jealously over who gets to sit where.
3) Projecting Dominance – This to me was one of the more significant and substantial arguments presented. One sub said, I have a hard time speaking to you as an equal when you have a slave at your feet. I think I knew that. Its one of the things I like about having my slave at my feet. I feel more strongly who and what I am when I have this. I project more completely what my life is about. Funny I couldn’t see clearly the impact to a support group until it was pointed out. Hindsight is always 20/20.
4) You may not observe – For a support group to be effective, you have to participate. If you have ever met a painfully shy submissive, you know what an effort it can be for some people to participate. It could be argued that when you sit at the feet of a Dominant, there is a tendency to defer all judgement and thought, which leads to less real participation by slaves.
The cons of making everyone equal – I am apposed to the concept that equality is the highest possible form of interaction for all situations. To my thinking, we who would be Doms and subs arrived at the starting point we all deserve, to be equals regardless of race, gender, or sexual preference, and then with intelligence, and thought, consent to a power exchange. This is not a life style, it is for many an orientation, something we need to be in our core. To FORCE people like this to be something they are not, to support them, seems to me to be ill advised. I think the ideal of equality is well intended, but does not foster and support the mindset we desire. So… Here are my counter points to these four reasons.
1) Wants what “he/she has” – I would say: “GOOD, you should want what I have.” Jealously and envy are things that we humans have always faced. There will always be the “haves” and the “have nots”, but the answer isn’t to hide what people have. The answer is to console those to do not have, and be an incentive to them to succeed in making their own dreams come true. Its a hard fact of life that not everyone will get their dream. Hell, I’d like to win a big lottery, but that is unrealistic. It is not however unrealistic to think that there is someone for everyone. What you bring to a relationship is your value. If you are a Dom or a sub and you bring that in full measure, there are people who will value that part of you above all else. THAT is the message to send. Avoiding facing jealousy and envy doesn’t solve anything, but it CAN make make a persons decisions worse.
2) Envy to be yourself – In the pros list, this complaint shines. When you walk into a support group you should be exactly who you are. You can be a tutu wearing, purple haired, kitty with a butt plug tail for all I care. How you identify doesn’t intimidate me or change who I am. BUT, accepting you as you need to be is huge for you, just as it is for me. If we get to express who we are, then to my mind we are more at ease and naturally feel more supported. If you are allowed to express yourself, then you can’t be jealous of how another person expresses themselves. If you see someone that you admire and want to be like, I think you should be able to do that, in a support group.
3) Projecting Dominance – I have no pros for this one. The simple truth is that some people apologize all of the time for no reason at all. They are always saying, “I’m sorry” without asking, what do I have to be sorry for? There will be people whose mindset is already struggling to participate. There is one bit of logic I can inject into this particular. I am much more comfortable forcing a person to participate in the conversation as a Dominant, than as an equal.
4) You may not observe – The argument here is that support only works if a sub participates and a sub may be LESS inclined to speak their mind if they are “sheltered” under the feet of a Dominant. That is true but the opposite can also be argued. A sub may be MORE inclined to speak their mind if they are “sheltered” under the feet of a Dominant. Some property may not feel that they can speak well without the protection and shelter of the owner they serve. One size fits all, doesn’t work for me.
Summary of pros and cons – I have no experience in AA meetings, no weight watchers, no support groups for smokers, widows, suicide, etc. I have no experience from the nilla side of the fence with any of the long established support groups, but I am sure they have principles that might apply.
My gut tells me that anything that moves the mindset closer to Ds is good and anything that moves it further away is bad, and this moves away from Ds. My first thoughts tell me that Ds support requires extra consideration for the specific needs of power exchange. My logic tells me that there is at least one very strong pro that may outweigh the cons. I like to let important things stew for a while, collecting research, thoughts, opinions, until a firm decision jells.
I had the thought that if I was making a change, I would not only allow slaves to sit at the feet of the Master they serve, I would encourage slave and Doms without partners to “scene” with someone for the support meeting. That is an idea that works well if there are many slaves, but not so well if there are many Dominants. Like I said, I need to let things jell.
Just another day, living with X – To those of you following this inside look at living with X, I have to believe you find value in this exchange or you wouldn’t be here. I am thankful to have a voice, and the opportunity to share. From my perspective, this latest dive into community, drama, support, and BDSM life has been certainly been interesting.