The value of subs being treated as Doms

The value of equality – In our local support group for Doms and subs, Doms are expected to be less like a Mistress or Master and check their egos at the door.  Slaves and subs are expected to be more like dominants, speak up, and find their voice.  One rule designed to accomplish this is – Slaves may not sit at the feet of the Master they serve.

It has been two days and two blogs since the Doms and Subs meeting in which I challenged the standing rule that slaves are not permitted to sit at the feet of the Master they serve, while in the local support group.

Time to dig into the pros and cons of this policy.


The pros of making everyone equal – In the discussions that followed my direct, and honey badger like refusal to comply to this rule, four key reasons why we had the rule emerged.  I will now present them here.  There was considerable discussion, but these four reasons stand out as the key points.  They are: 1) Envy from someone is not owned and wants “what he/she has”. 2) Envy from someone who was denied the right to be where they want. 3) A slave at my feet projects an entirely stronger sense of Dominance, making it harder to speak as an equal. 4) You may not observe, you must participate.

1) Wants what “he/she has” –  When you go to a support group you want to come away feeling like you have answers to the things you want to know.  You don’t want to come away from a support group feeling more desperate, lonely and needy than when you walked in.  When a sub or Dom who has no one in their life is surrounded by people who have someone, it can create the feeling that you don’t belong, or that you are as good of a sub/Dom.  There can arise that “outside looking in” feeling, which is counter productive to the support objective.

2) Envy to be yourself – I list this because it came up, but I have a hard time defending this as a reason for the rule.  Its more about the situation I created, than the rule. At least one person said, I want to be at Masters feet and was denied that, why does she get to?  Really, when I decided to ignore the rule and MADE my slave sit at my feet, I tapped into something some subs were feeling, but couldn’t or didn’t challenge. If there is no rule and anyone can sit where they want, there can be no jealously over who gets to sit where.

3) Projecting Dominance – This to me was one of the more significant and substantial arguments presented. One sub said, I have a hard time speaking to you as an equal when you have a slave at your feet.  I think I knew that. Its one of the things I like about having my slave at my feet. I feel more strongly who and what I am when I have this. I project more completely what my life is about. Funny I couldn’t see clearly the impact to a support group until it was pointed out. Hindsight is always 20/20.

4) You may not observe – For a support group to be effective, you have to participate.  If you have ever met a painfully shy submissive, you know what an effort it can be for some people to participate.  It could be argued that when you sit at the feet of a Dominant, there is a tendency to defer all judgement and thought, which leads to less real participation by slaves.

 


The cons of making everyone equal –  I am apposed to the concept that equality is the highest possible form of interaction for all situations.   To my thinking, we who would be Doms and subs arrived at the starting point we all deserve, to be equals regardless of race, gender, or sexual preference, and then with intelligence, and thought, consent to a power exchange.  This is not a life style, it is for many an orientation, something we need to be in our core.  To FORCE people like this to be something they are not, to support them, seems to me to be ill advised.  I think the ideal of equality is well intended, but does not foster and support the mindset we desire.  So… Here are my counter points to these four reasons.

1) Wants what “he/she has” –   I would say: “GOOD, you should want what I have.”  Jealously and envy are things that we humans have always faced.  There will always be the “haves” and the “have nots”, but the answer isn’t to hide what people have.  The answer is to console those to do not have, and be an incentive to them to succeed in making their own dreams come true.  Its a hard fact of life that not everyone will get their dream. Hell, I’d like to win a big lottery, but that is unrealistic.  It is not however unrealistic to think that there is someone for everyone.  What you bring to a relationship is your value.  If you are a Dom or a sub and you bring that in full measure, there are people who will value that part of you above all else.  THAT is the message to send.  Avoiding facing jealousy and envy doesn’t solve anything, but it CAN make make a persons decisions worse.

2) Envy to be yourself – In the pros list, this complaint shines.  When you walk into a support group you should be exactly who you are.  You can be a tutu wearing, purple haired, kitty with a butt plug tail for all I care.  How you identify doesn’t intimidate me or change who I am. BUT, accepting you as you need to be is huge for you, just as it is for me.  If we get to express who we are, then to my mind we are more at ease and naturally feel more supported.  If you are allowed to express yourself, then you can’t be jealous of how another person expresses themselves.  If you see someone that you admire and want to be like, I think you should be able to do that, in a support group.

3) Projecting Dominance –  I have no pros for this one.  The simple truth is that some people apologize all of the time for no reason at all.  They are always saying, “I’m sorry” without asking, what do I have to be sorry for?    There will be people whose mindset is already struggling to participate.  There is one bit of logic I can inject into this particular.  I am much more comfortable forcing a person to participate in the conversation as a Dominant, than as an equal.

4) You may not observe – The argument here is that support only works if a sub participates and a sub may be LESS inclined to speak their mind if they are “sheltered” under the feet of a Dominant.  That is true but the opposite can also be argued.  A sub may be MORE inclined to speak their mind if they are “sheltered” under the feet of a Dominant.  Some property may not feel that they can speak well without the protection and shelter of the owner they serve.   One size fits all, doesn’t work for me.

 


Summary of pros and cons – I have no experience in AA meetings, no weight watchers, no support groups for smokers, widows, suicide, etc.  I have no experience from the nilla side of the fence with any of the long established support groups, but I am sure they have principles that might apply.

My gut tells me that anything that moves the mindset closer to Ds is good and anything that moves it further away is bad, and this moves away from Ds.   My first thoughts tell me that Ds support requires extra consideration for the specific needs of power exchange.   My logic tells me that there is at least one very strong pro that may outweigh the cons.  I like to let important things stew for a while, collecting research, thoughts, opinions, until a firm decision jells.

I had the thought that if I was making a change, I would not only allow slaves to sit at the feet of the Master they serve, I would encourage slave and Doms without partners to “scene” with someone for the support meeting.  That is an idea that works well if there are many slaves, but not so well if there are many Dominants.  Like I said, I need to let things jell.

 

 


Just another day, living with X –  To those of you following this inside look at living with X,  I have to believe you find value in this exchange or you wouldn’t be here.  I am thankful to have a voice, and the opportunity to share.  From my perspective, this latest dive into community, drama, support, and BDSM life has been certainly been interesting.

 

 

The reason is, because reasons

So a little sleep then breakfast with family.  Always drama with that bunch.  I’ve come to a place where family is often more chore than pleasure.   But breakfast was good, and the conversation pleasant enough, so it was nice. My car has been in the shop all week, had to pick that up afterward.  It really has been a challenging week.  I haven’t gone into details, but not having that car all week , and paying for the repairs, was one of those challenges.

The sun was out, and I was thinking it was a good day for a motorcycle ride.  On the other hand, I had that unfinished business with the people I upset last night. The question is, did I want to do a public apology, or private?  I chose private.  I set about mentally recalling each person, where they were sitting, and who they were with, then wrote each a personal apology, crafted specifically for my relation with that person  Having completed that, I decided to take that motorcycle ride.

There was a large family reunion underway today.  I had planned to skip it but since I was looking for a place to ride anyway, I decided to drop in on that.  Got there just in time for it to start raining.  So a hotdog and some hugs later, I headed back in the rain in nothing but my boots, jeans, a Tshirt and my leather vest.  The rain whipped through my jeans, down my socks, and tried to fill my boots.  At least I kept in upright and got back safely.

A number of people had responded to my apologies, many of them very gracious.  I am pleased.  I think tonight calls for lots of alcohol and snuggle time with my slave.  She had to work today, and I am feeling the need to have her touch.

I still have to write down the pros and cons of why there is a rule against slaves sitting at there Master’s feet, in a slave and Dom meeting.   For now, lets just say the reason is, because reasons.  I am very interested now in doing some research on general MAsT group rules are, and what the general consensus would be on this one.  Not that general consensus should tilt your thinking, but it does provide lots of thoughts to weigh against your own.  That’s the real value.

Tomorrow, there will be a Burlesque, BBQ, and beatings play party.  I have friends to catch up with there.  I know I said this about yesterday, but I am looking forward tomorrow. Not sure if I’ll get to the reasons thing tonight, or tomorrow.  Busy, busy…

 

Checking my ego

If you follow this blog, you know that this evening was one I was really looking forward to.  I  had a rosy picture in my head of how wonderful it was going to be, when I was with my own kind.  Here’s the thing – – that doesn’t always work out the way the you think its going to.  We as a community tend to create a lot of drama.  There is always some head butting going on, and it often turns ugly.  Before you go jumping to any conclusions, be aware that I was in the wrong on this one.

Izrina didn’t really want to go, but I didn’t want to be without her, so I made her go.  She’s a good slave and does as she’s told.  Since she had to be up around 4 in the morning, my plan was to NOT run the meeting tonight, and duck out early.  But when I asked if anyone else would take the meeting, no one else wanted to moderate, so I hoped for an early evening. That rarely happens.  We tend to go long with these discussions, and with lots of passion.

So we pulled the sofas into a circle and everyone took a seat.  Since my slave was there just for me, I figured I’d have her sit at my feet and she could rest, not really participate.  Well there is a rule for these meetings, everyone must be on equal footing, no slaves on the floor.

Its a rule I have felt forces people to a position that they may or may not be comfortable with.  So when someone called me on it, and since I was moderating, I basically said, I don’t care.  Yeah, I know.  Not good.  No discussion on it, my slave, my rules, I just dismissed the rule without talking about it. Not good for a moderator.

Someone ducked out, and brought in someone to challenge me on this. On the surface of things, you would think its not a big deal.  You would think that being comfortable as who and what you are, is important for these kinds of meetings.  Well this is a discussion group, and this lead to a discussion, as you can well imagine.

Don’t allow appearing to have been wrong, to get in the way of actually being right. ~ Xtac Quote

So I was wrong and I’ll get into why in my next blog.  I don’t easily back down, but there were a number of well spoken reasons why that rule is in place, which I do have to agree with.  I am still having a loud and ugly argument inside my head.  I want to defend a persons right to be themselves in these things, but I also get the reasons that rule is in place. Sigh.

My poor slave is the one who has the most reason to be unhappy.  She was just doing as she was told and it resulted in her being in the middle of a controversy.  I wanted to shield her and instead by my decision, she was dragged into it.  Instead of having the pleasant evening with Master that I wanted for her, she got this.  Double sigh.

The snakes in my head were very unhappy that I was powerless to shield. Powerless and not shielding my slave do not sit well with me. It is in fact about as ugly a thing as I can face. Since she needed to sleep, and couldn’t be relaxing at my feet, I sent her to the car to nap while we continued the meeting.  Of course she obeyed.  She’s a good girl.  I have to tell you that continuing to moderate after that was, hmmm, interesting inside my head. Triple sigh.

Ah well.  I don’t generally like to talk about when I am not awesome.  Fortunately I am usually pretty awesome so this isn’t something i have to face too often.  The thing is, there are some lessons to be learned here and if passing along this story helps someone else,  then checking my ego for a blog or two is worth it.  More to come.

For now, I need my rest too. Its been a long week, and its challenged me at every turn.  Yet again, I can’t get a good nights sleep.  I promised someone I’d have breakfast with them, a few short hours from now.  Sometimes taking responsibility for your own happiness is a real freakin chore. I’m working on it.  Gotta practice what you preach.

 

Retard!

I know its politically incorrect to say retard but I can’t for the life of me think of a better word to describe how socially and intellectually stunted the two individuals I am referring to here, must be.  How else do you explain this?   This a real conversation I overheard yesterday in a restaurant.  I kid you not:

 

Straw chewer 1: I thought He was gay.

Straw chewer 2: No!  He’s not gay he’s Hispanic.

 

 

At first my brain refused to accept what my ears were reporting.  WTF??  !  I had no idea that you couldn’t be gay and Hispanic.  Thank goodness straw chewer 2 set me straight.  Worse, straw chewer 1 apparently thinks all Hispanics look gay. I managed to collect myself before I involuntarily backhand bitch slapped one of them.

A woman and her cat

A woman and her cat – There once was a woman who had a cat and when she came home at night she and the cat were very cozy and happy together.  Then the cat had kittens and she couldn’t part with them all and kept a few.  Each kitten became a cat and each competed for time with her with varying degrees of success, and from that time on she was never as close to her cat as she once was. Moral = The quality of your relations is inversely proportion to the number of quality relations you try to have.

We only have so much time – I can not create a minute, even the minutes of my life belong to a higher force. The only thing I truly own, are my choices. ~Xtac Quote

Our worlds overlap – I spent the entire day with my daughter yesterday.  She had a major life event and needed the support of her dad.  It was the right thing to do on every level.  I did not however have any time for my slave, and it causes me to think about that.

Family, friends, and our kinky lives.  So strange that these are all inseparably intertwined, each with its own passion and needs and yet one world of which we are such an important part may by its nature, not be allowed to be part of another world of which we are an important part.

I dislike this separation, this duality of my life, that to my employer and certain friends and family I must suppress that part of me which I feel so deeply passionate about.  Believe me, I am as open I I feel I can be, with the people who I trust but even that is unsatisfying in ways.  I’ve been asked to “tone it down”.  I imagine its the way a gay person feels when the family asks them to not hug, or kiss at a family event.  Same thing really, except for me its not wearing as much leather, not having my slave quite so obviously at my beck and call, not being quite so obviously directing her.

I am the woman with the cat – I think the rest of the worlds, all those people, family, friends, and such, in a very general kind of way, disappoint me.  Nothing is quite as good as being with my slave.  Nothing quite matches being with my own kind.  Diversity still happens.  I like being with different ages, races, genders, sexual orientation, etc, its just that I need those people to be thinking, thoughtful, caring, open minded people who are more concerned with ethics than morals.

So I am the woman with the cat.  I don’t want any kittens.  I want to just be left alone, with my slave and a few close friends.  Family, and business associates can be friends but they don’t have to be.  When I am working I will be doing the work I like and that’s good as far as it goes.  When I am with family, I’ll be with family, which is often more commitment than fun, but its important and so it goes.  But friends and my slave, ah!  Now that is where my heart is.  It is important to me to keep a small circle of friends so that I have time for them.

I had the kittens – It seems that I am the one who added a kitten to my life.  And by kitten I mean another life to find time for .  I am lucky.  My daughter is family, but she is also my friend too.  She has grown to be a strong, intelligent, happy, person with reasonably good decision making skills.  I take only small credit for that.  You can’t make children, you can’t even steer them.  In many ways, I was still a child until I was a father.  Being a parent is required I think, to grow up.  Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

Adults don’t make children, children make adults – X quote

So while I try to keep a small group of friends, and I try to guard my time and use it wisely, I know that we have only so many grains of sand in the hourglass.  I don’t want to leave this world with unfinished business.  Each day is an opportunity to live life to the fullest.  I don’t want to waste one precious minute doing stuff I don’t want, with people I don’t want to be with.

My dad day is behind me, my work day is ahead of me, and tonight is the Master and slave support group meeting.  My slave has a long day of work to get through as well.  My daughter needs her rest.  So many worlds, so much to do.  Love it or leave it behind.  Time to roll up my sleeves and do what I do.  Bring it on world, I’m ready!

 

 

Talking WITH Vile

SO VERY VILE  – So I had a little back and forth with one my favorite Bloggers, Vile of “The Kinky world of Vile”.  Yeah, he’s all that and a bad of chips.. good stuff.  Seriously.  Check him out.  The subject was conversing, which is kind of funny because here we were talking.. about talking.. but we weren’t really talking, since we were messaging back and forth.  But I digress.

THE ART OF CONVERSATION IS A ZOMBIE –  Time was that people unexpectedly popped in on you, because there was no cell phone to warn you they were coming, and they just sort of took a seat and hung around to see if you weren’t too busy to just sit and talk.. weird, right?  If you were really cool, maybe you offered a cup of tea, or lemonade, or something to drink.

Those days are gone, I think.  Now, we text someone before we call them, and wait for the text to come back, before we use the phone to phone the person, and then the conversation is all wham-bam, in and out, thank you ma’am.  No real ART to the conversation. Oh sure, if you are unlucky enough to work for a company that hasn’t become so politically correct that they still have Christmas parties, then yeah, you might still get caught in a corner with a drink in one hand and an awkward conversation that you are fumbling through, but really the art of conversation went through a painful death and rebirth process.. and now its a freaking zombie.  The art of conversation isn’t really dead, its still got legs and its mobile, but you have to tweat and text to do it.

There are signs of the conversation zombies everywhere.  Their nose is buried in a phone and their thumbs are barely visible as they flash over the keys.   Barely part of the room, conversation zombies eat brains, and groan when you try to actually talk with them.  Try sending one of them this text: “So, some weather we’ve been having huh?”  Since this question is an awkward conversation starter from ancient times when people actually talked, don’t be surprise if you get a WTF?   I am pretty sure WTF is the zombie conversationalist equivalent to ‘Are you off your meds again?”

JOIN THE ZEALOTS “TALK WITH” PARTY! – You are probably thinking.. but I’m just one lonely sub, subby, slave, kitten, switch, pain slut, Master, Mistress..I can do this all day… Owner, baby girl.. ok that’s enough.. I’m just one person, so X, what can I do?   This.  The next time someone asks.. Can I talk to you?  BITCH SLAP THEM!  Oh, I don’t mean literally, I mean figuratively.  Geeesh!   Tell them that you would love it if they would “speak WITH you”.  Hey!  Your choice!  Do you want someone to speak WITH you, or speak TO you?  Yeah, its my own little bit of zealotry and I’m changing the world, one conversation at a time.  Won’t you join my cause?  Do it for the children!  Not sure why but “causes” always want you to do it for the future generations, so I threw that in there.

JOIN THE ZEALOTS FREE SPEECH PARTY! – I tend to be a little over zealous about my feelings about conversing.  With me, nothing is off the table.  I freaking hate when other zealots (not my kind of zealot) try shutting me down because I am “inappropriate”.   We have turned a HUGE corner on respect.  Used to be you showed respect because it reflected who YOU are.  Now we don’t show respect because people didn’t earn it or were politically incorrect enough to deserve disrespect.  Really?  How did we get to that little gem of free speech?

You know who is really hating these day?  The people that feel they have the moral high ground and a right and a responsibility to hate the haters.  I miss the days when a person could completely disagree with you, and still be willing to fight to the death to protect your right to free speech.  Now activists just want to fight your speech until YOU are dead. Do you realize that hate crimes officially makes some thought illegal? Look, I understand hate is bad, but it is the actions you go to jail for.  Are we really OK with jail sentences based on thoughts and speech?

But I digress, again, I’m like that.  Kicking a soapbox under me is equivalent to kicking a stool and a bucket under a cow.  You are going to get some.  Come on people, its time to defend free speech again, even if you totally and completely dislike the opposing view.  Haters should be social pariah, and that’s all – no jail, and no hating the haters.  Let them all drown together in their end of the pool.  After all, hate hurts the one who holds it.

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK – One last point and comes to us courtesy of the afore mentioned conversation with Vile.  Just because you CAN say a thing, doesn’t mean you should.  There is an old saying “Pearls before swine”.  It means there is no point in throwing pearls of wisdom to pigs because they will just trample them into the mud.  I have a BDSM version, that says: The most important part of giving, is the taking.  This X quote is speaking not only of giving wisdom through conversation, but also to the value of Domination, to submission.  Another quote on this:

Argue to the intelligence of your point not the people. If you find yourself in a cage with monkeys, what would the point be to trying to convince them to stop throwing shit? ~ Xtac Quote

Monkeys throw their shit.  Its what they do. So if you are in a cage with them, you are not going to talk them out of it.  Best to get out of the cage, and out of the company of monkeys. Go be with your own kind.  And that brings me to…

BEST CONVERSATION, EVER !- Great conversation starts with being with your own kind of crazy.  Sure you can talk WITH people.  Sure you can respect free speech.  Sure you can listen to all opposing views.  But nothing beats the Master and slave support group conversations and we got one coming up Friday.  Woo Hoo!  I love being with my own kind.  Is life good or what?

 

 

 

 

Cognitive behavioral therapy

CBT teaches that a person’s core beliefs can be broken in three primary categories: Yourself, Others, and the future.

CBTOur thoughts on self, others, and the future; along with our core beliefs on these things, influences our feelings and by extension our behaviors.

If we inject new core beliefs, and moderate our thoughts, we can drastically alter both feelings and behavior.

These principles are useful to the thoughtful Owner who would craft a happier, more productive slave.  Or you can fuck the shit out of her, rinse, repeat as needed.  Whatever works.

 

What the puck?

Sniggle snort-in fligg-im flort
sloppy floppy short-shorts

Jiggle wiggle big be-diggle
pokey muckin fuggin buck
(giggle suck)

What the puck?!!!!
(Lots of pluck)

Guzzel muzzel make-in trouble
grin-in drib-Lin still a win-in
humpy bumpy rode-in blue ass jeans

Dusty trucks, fulla luck
git-in some, lots to come
near-in end, whatta bend

humpy little monkey me

 

Fun comes in all sizes, times and places and often accompanied by Mr silly and his special suspenders.  Never forget that sometimes its good to be a little crazy.  It scares the nillas and keeps your other half on their toes!  Sometimes you gotta just drop your guards  (but not your pants) cause you are just have to run with those scissors!  Iz OK!  You can tell your momma I told ya so!  ~X

 

 

0Oooooo! Shiny!

Never dangle shiny things in front of a squirrel, and never dangle a squirrel in front of a dog..~ And you can quote me!   Hmmmm but maybe together they might be OK? right?  Formula probably calls for an excess of alcohol though, just saying.

I had to do it.  A little bit of playing around with codes and Voila!

A shiny new Inde X!

And why stop at just an Alpha list, when the squirrel.. I mean code.. was just sitting there?  Check out the cool new inde x’s up above   (They are hidden between “Home” & “About”). 

 

Ending on a high note

First, I must mention that my slave asked me to not mention a certain something from this weekend, and she reads my blog, so naturally I am starting off by hinting that I might mention it, just to torture her.  Its the WEM in me.

This weekend is an odd one.  In most respects its normal, but a member of the community who has been battling cancer is not expected to make it much longer. Maybe a day or two more.  The reality of that life, and the ones around it are so different from that of my slave and I.  We share our worlds, but we do not live in other peoples worlds.  

To cap off this weekend, I took Izrina out on the motorcycle, which is on road-off road. We stopped at a subway, picked up a sandwich and drinks, and headed back onto a trail.  I had never gone this way before, so out of caution, when we came to gullies and such, I had her get off before I gunned the bike through or over an obstacle.  On the way back, knowing already what I was facing, there was much less of that.  Our objective was to reach a park tower, set on the edge of a vast swamp, a sea of greenery growing up around channels of fresh water running through, and every kind of wild life you might expect in such a rural setting.

As strange as this may sound, I am happy for Lenny, the Master battling cancer, because I know that as much as he is loved here, the love that awaits him is so much greater.  I am equally sorry for his slave, who he will leave behind.  Even if she believes that he is in a better place, there will be a void where his voice used to be, and his touch, and his command.  It is OK, to be sorry for ourselves when someone passes to the next life.  We who are left behind must learn to live without the comfort of those simple things we have come to cherish.

The trails were marked blue and green and by sticking to the blue, we were able to find the tower.  Its old, and rotted in some places, while in other places, new wood reinforcement is quite obvious.  It sits at the top of large bank, rising from a sandy opening in the channels, and breaks out of the trees that ring the miles and miles of habitat.  We climbed to the top, and there among the upper branches of nearby trees, the view is quite beautiful.  To my surprise, we were not alone.

A number of leather family members have posted their love in an outpouring on Fetlife.  I feel like I should be doing something.  I don’t want to sit by a man’s bed, waiting for his death, but neither do I want to do nothing.  I joined others in commenting on Fetlife, but it seems so hollow.  I am sure he has things he still wants to do here, in this life, with his slave.  Its hard sometimes to understand why we can’t have more time in this life.

A mother and her daughter had kayaked in to the beach from the channels, something I too enjoy.  They were standing on the sand just below, and were fishing in this secluded spot.  Izrina perched up on a railing and began to unpack her sandwich to eat.  I asked her to move from the center of the board, since I didn’t trust it. I was worried for my property’s safety.  The sandwich was gone is short order and a pair of cookies was next.  I offered mine to the mother and daughter but they assured me they had snacks.

I gave Lenny’s slave my cell phone number and urged her to call me, or write me if there was anything she needed to say.   I know that she will shortly have a burden that can be lightened only by working through it.  Sometimes just having someone to listen, or hold you and say nothing, is all you need.

We finished our trip into the woods, and drove home, my slave hugging me fiercely, as if she hoped the ride might never end.  Somewhere tonight there is another slave with the same need.