Monogamy and BDSM, part 4

In Part one I said this:  Many an experienced owner and slave play in scenes.  A scene is quite different than starting a BDSM relation, but still, a scene has a certain level of penetration.. even if it isn’t physically sexual. 

I do this.  I used to do fire: play quite a bit and was known all over the Hudson Valle area for it.  I stopped.  I had become a carnival ride, every night I had a bunch of people waiting to be next.  I was hard to fit in my slave, who very much wanted to be on the list.  So I just stopped doing it every weekend in a dungeon.

Then there is the event at the North East Power Exchange.  I did a scene with Raven Pup. The rest of this paragraph in its original form has been deleted.

Never fear, you aren’t missing much and I’ve replaced it with better content.  Before I published part four, I let Irina read it because in this deleted paragraph, I spoke of her reaction to that scene.  She asked if I could remove it.  I said I would think about it.  Then I explained that if she and I are ever going to compete in the NE power exchanges, she needs to be ready to speak not only about what works in our relation, but also when we have issues.. our dirty laundry.. because others can learn the most from our mistakes.  If others are going to learn from us, they need to hear about our problems, and how we resolved them, so they can figure out if our solutions might work for them as well.  And then she said something about me being a dark, scary, sexy Master.. This paragraph, along with a hard look at our lives and the conversation that followed, achieved the objective I was looking for.. it brought my canvas another inch closer to the slave I want her to be.  There was nothing shocking..in there.  Oh.. I did ask why she didn’t like the paragraph and she said.. it was open ended.. and I said so it either needs to be deleted or there needs to be more detail.. (grins)  the social sadist in me couldn’t resist that second option..more detail.. Her reaction was quite, hmmmm, pleasing to me.  She hasn’t read the replacement paragraph..want to take bets if she decides she was happier with the original? I return you now to our blog already in progress….

When Izrina and I met, I was a carnival ride.  Now I am not.  But I never committed to ending my scenes with others in the Dungeons.  I also hope one day to open the “House of X”.  How can you do all that, and stay monogamous?

The answer is quite clearly, you can’t on some level.  The fact that there was unhappiness about a scene, was an indication we clearly need to do a lot more talking about the future and monogamy.  Choices.  To settle and stay or go?  And questions.. are you settling?  I know Izrina.. the thought of giving me up will scare the hell out of her.  But by the same token, I don’t want her to settle for something she doesn’t want, just because she has it in her head that she wants me to be the one to Dominate her.  The question of compatibility is a problem everyone faces.

You love someone, and you want to be with them..but in the Master/slave relation you are faced with difficult decisions about compatibility.  A slave may have hard limits but in a sense, so does an Owner.  There are some things we just are not prepared to give up for the rest of our lives.  I won’t give up the S&M scenes I choose to do, and I won’t give up my dream for the House of X.  And that brings us to the question of the slaves scenes..


So.. just how OK is it to let your slave do scenes in a Dungeon?  Like some many things in life, one answer does not fit all situations.

Loaned for oral service or other sex – This is my personal take, but I say Hell No.  That body and all its holes are mine and I am not sharing.  It’s personal.  For me, the answer will always be a resounding Hell No!  There is a value here though.. letting a slave know that they are property.. and some might get off on it..but I don’t.  A slave who wants to be passed around like that isn’t for me.  I won’t be a cuckold.  Not now, not ever.

Allowed to try another style in a casual scene –  I do a bit of rope work.  I even do suspension.  But I am by no means a dedicated rope artist.  Every Dominant has  their style and talents.  I see no reason to keep my slave from experiencing those other styles and levels of talent so they can tell me what they liked and didn’t like..it helps me to get better.

By the same token, I like doing a scene with others.  The risk of emotional penetration is very high.  If however your own relation is rich and rewarding that risk is lowered.  When you have a good life, you will feel no regrets, no desire to end your commitment.  When the Dominant you serve feeds your submission to you, so that you desire to return, there can be little to tear you apart.  So I say have at it.. enjoy the casual experience of a new style or level of experience.

And what if your relation is not everything you want?  What if you already harbor regrets?  What then?  Is it better to hide your head in the sand, keep yourself from happy moments so you don’t see the shit in your life?  I say no.  If two people plan to make something special, then a casual try at another style should not be a threat to worry about.  And if you are lying to yourself about your happiness, if you are settling, then you have some serious decisions to make.

Passing a slave on to another Master – This is a yes and no kind of thing.  I have passed my slave on into the control of another for various reasons.  A trip to beyond leather in Florida.. the key to her collar was entrusted to another for that trip.  that time is was  Sno.  I gave her into the hands of another, just for the experience, as part of her training.  That was Dr Bob.  At the NE Power Exchange, I had to duck out for a moment.. so I put her in the hands of Master Karl.  There are times and places where another owner is helpful for protection, or for experience and training..  It is NOT OK in my book to just hand over a slave because someone wants to use them, unless that is a kink you both want.  That kink is not my kink.  I will not endure being a cuckold. Just my two cents on that one.

Scenes with deeper roots – Sometimes the top or bottom or both are nursing deep affections. Take Raven and I.. there is something happening there.  She has a deep and abiding love for me and Izrina knows it.  We all know it.  Raven’s owner knows it, and I know it.  There are four people involved here and to date, I’ve never crossed any line that would put the relations of those four people into jeopardy.  I have mixed feelings about this kind of thing.  On one side, there is a risk. On the other side, I deeply love my scenes with Raven, and to justify my behavior, I fall back on this quote:

The idea of love being limited and a commodity to be fiercely guarded is a concept that I don’t understand. ~ Slave_Shylah

I collected that quote so long ago, I don’t even recall my relation to this slave.  But I do still love the sentiment.  I often speak of the unbearable and limitless amount of love that can pour through you when you open yourself as a conduit for love.  I think we fear the loss of our loved ones too much, so this quote applies:

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

Risking it all – Really, there is no difference between the married person who gets permission to try BDSM, and the Master or slave who has a very deep and intimate relation with someone else.

There is a very real risk that these bonds may destroy the existing relation, or cause a person to settle for more than they know they could have.  They are unhappy with what they have but faced with destroying the existing relation.  IF you find yourself in this situation it is something you have to decide how to handle within your ethics and if you are with someone, nilla or not, its something you have to talk about together.

A great relation, nilla or not, has to have that level of communication, of trust, of honesty. Without these, it is not a great relation, and that alone makes your decision much easier.  If you have these, then commitment takes over and fear should subside.  Ultimately, if your love exceeds your need, as the Dalai Lama suggests, then your happiness is their happiness and there is nothing to fear at all.


I wish sometimes it was a more perfect world and everyone was capable of placing the happiness of those we love before our own needs. While I am wishing this  I am reminded of my own admonishment that my values and views of the world, are not anothers.  I am also just struck with the four priorities.. The needs of the slave come before the wants of the Master, but the wants of the Master come before the wants of the slave.  Hmmmm how does that fit into this?  Life is complex.. but living it should not be.  In the path of your happiness, guided by ethics and a commitment to good choices, the right thing to do is always right in front of you.

So that’s it my friends..My thoughts on Monogamy and BDSM, in four.. count em.. four parts.  Wow.. deep subject.  Aren’t you glad I didn’t try to fit it into one piece?   I have important Master stuff to do now.. so Carpe Diem… go be someone’s great day.

Monogamy and BDSM, part 3

Up until now, I’ve been talking about what you “should do”.  Let’s talk about this whole “should do” stuff.  Just because a person should do these things.. just because you might do these things yourself, absolutely does not mean that others will.

One of the biggest, most stupid mistakes we make is to judge others by our own standards.  We often think that because we are trustworthy, other will inherently be so too.  And it is fairly common for lairs and cheats to think that everyone is a lair and an cheat.  The way we see our world colors the way we see think others see the world.  It is all too easy and common to make the mistake of thinking that the way you see things, is the way others will.. this is not so.  Absolutely, definitely not so!

THIS is what Vile is railing about. Some Dominants are just plain fucking dirt bags.  Your values are not theirs.  They are strangers in every sense of the word. The way they see things is 180 degrees from the way you see it.  They are going to use you, and dump you.  They won’t use that slow, gentle, irresistible force that moves mountains, that pushes and shapes you into a happy slave. You expect that because its how it “should be”.  But because they have no patience and they have no staying power and they are fucking dirt bags, you might blindly go into their trap.  I’d like to add my warnings to Vile’s well published ones… Do not assume your values are anothers!  Its so damned easy to forget to remember. You owe it to yourself to figure out what you are dealing with, without making assumptions.

One more thing on this.  It is not always the Dominant’s fault that a collar of consideration fails.  If you have “quirks”, you must communicate that up front.  Maybe its bi-polar meds, or a childhood triggers.  ANY trigger that might suppress your slave side should be discussed.  A Dominant who is blind sided by these things might not react as well as they would have, had this been discussed early on.

That being said, I can’t stress strongly enough how I feel about the three traditional collars, about taking your time, about not falling prey to sub-frenzy, about building trust through observed honesty, about not being the slave you need to be until after you have satisfied your need to know what you are dealing with.


We touched briefly on poly as a way of making your life work.  I have a story to tell, which kind of covers how I feel about this subject:

There once was a woman who had a cat.  She and the cat were very close.  When she would come home, the cat would sit in her lap, and she would stroke it and the cat would purr loudly, and she and the cat were very happy. 

One day the cat had kittens and they were all very, very cute.  The woman gave away most of the kittens but two were just so adorable, so she kept them. 

And now when she came home, one cat sat on the back of the couch behind her head, and one in her lap and one by her side..sometimes.. because the cats all fought for her attention, and though she loved all three very much, she was never as close to her first cat ever again.

That story illustrates perfectly how I feel about poly.  We have only so much time to share in our lives and the more people we bring into our lives, the less close we can be with those people. I know this, and still one day I hope to establish the “House of X”.  A place where those who desire a pure service role.. no sex with the Master..can live.  My thought is that in such a setting, a slave could establish a romantic relation with another slave, which the owner is not part of.  One day, perhaps, we shall see.

I am not against poly per se.  What I am against is anything that sets up boundaries between a Master and slave.  I want those walls torn down.. within reason of course.  Nothing but raw direct honest communication should exist between Master and slave.


And finally, we come to “loaning” your slave for Dungeon scenes.. or allowing yourself the luxury of enjoying a slave in a Dungeon scene (such as I did at the North East Power Exchange with Raven).  If you are with someone who is anticipating a monogamous Master slave relation, these things can raise concerns.  If you are now sensing a little behind the blog discussion between Izrina and I on that very subject ..hmmm you may be right.  But, so sorry.. I hit my word limit again tonight on this subject… let’s finally get to that in part 4, tomorrow.

 

Monogamy and BDSM, part 2

You probably know my friend, Vile from the kinky world of Vile.  Now Vile often rails quite emotionally against cheaters and for good reason…They are usually dirt bags.  You don’t suck another person into an intense encounter with promises you have no intention of keeping, and create emotional bonds that you have no desire to support, just for sex.  A slave is meant to be used, but that use is in return for all the things that the dirt bag has no intention of supplying.

That being said, a few people of my acquaintance have maintained BDSM relations outside of their marriage.. Let’s see, there is a lady who loves to spank, a bottom to a rope lover top, and poly woman who mostly tops, to name a few.  It works for them.  In these cases, those folks have a long term BDSM relation that is still going strong.  Does their spouse know?  Not sure.  Wasn’t my place to ask.  I know the people in the BDSM side are happy, and planning to stay together.

From My Core Beliefs, number four of ten:  Thou shall be  mindful that honesty does not require that you to respond to a demand for information, but trust does.  The building blocks of trust, are honesty.

Here is the point of that reference.. If you don’t trust someone, and you know that they may use information against you, then you have no ethical obligation to provide them with that ammunition.. You must still be honest… since this should be a core value, but you should not volunteer the bullets to shoot you with.  You are allowed to stay tight lipped.

And how, you may ask, does that apply to this conversation?   Glad you asked.  IF you desire to have a BDSM relation, and your spouse isn’t interested, then you would have to go outside that relation to get it.. that’s pretty straight forward.

Now where that reference comes into play is that your spouse should pretty much fall onto one side of that equation or the other.. either you can trust them with your needs and your desire to go outside the relation for BDSM, or you can’t trust them.. you know they will take that ammunition and shoot you in the head.

So let’s look a little deeper.  If your spouse is the second type, the one that can’t be trusted, then you have to ask yourself, why the hell are you not pressing for divorce?  Really!  Just get the fuck out.  If you have no real communication with a person then no excuse under MY sun could make me stay committed to staying in that relation.

It goes without saying that if you are married, there once was a time you trusted this person, but people change, and people make bad decisions, addictions can destroy everything, and what was once good, can turn very, very bad. So get out.  When two people become one the worse life that has to offer is not so bad.  When the worse life has to offer is what one of you has become, that’s very, very bad.  For better or worse, applies to the first situation, not the second.

What if your spouse can be trusted, and is loving, caring and wants to see you happy?  They may allow you to go outside the marriage for your BDSM experience, but I have to tell you that they are a fool.  The bonds and desires you will create are far stronger than any simple craving for sex.  And if you DO take them up on such an agreement, it is highly likely you will find this to be true yourself.

Time and time again, a no body fluid bonding agreement has resulted in an BDSM experience so rich, that the spouse ended up wanting to leave anyway.  Maybe to live it 24×7, or maybe because they realized the lie of staying with a person they no longer loved as much as their BDSM partner.

In other words, damned if you do and damned if you don’t.  I could have just agreed with Vile and said leave.. but I wanted to build the case..show you that logically you must reach a point of decision and that decision should have consequences and all of it has to be aligned with your life and your ethics.

It’s a pretty shitty person who makes sure they have the next relationship lined up before they drop the current one.  But by the same token, if you have a house, and children with someone, you may just want to try out BDSM for the purpose of determining if its worth all the heartache of taking apart what you’ve built. Its OK to want to live life on your terms, and it makes sense to feel badly about yourself for a while if you discover that you do need to leave, but you should feel like a really, really big shit if you discover you need to leave, and don’t.

Living life on your terms, while sharing life with another person is a complex thing.  I don’t have all the answers because everyone’s situation is different.  It is entirely possible that you need to go poly.  More on that later, but briefly:  It is possible that one partner will give you what you need of one thing, and another partner will give you what you need of another thing.  Life is never simple.

For most people though, I think monogamy is a touch stone and it almost always boils down to just leaving.  You have to because you want it all.  Just remember: DO NOT compromise your ethics while you are making plans to not compromise your desires.   If you come to the realization you need to change our life, do it in a way that is within your personal ethics.

But what about scenes with no sex in a dungeon??.. Does monogamy preclude you from enjoying those BDSM encounters?   What about Masters that want two slaves?  Well, lets cover that in part 3..  Izrina got in late.. and I started watching “Secretary” while I was missing her, which made me miss her even more.. I have some important Dom things to do..

Monogamy and BDSM

Monogamy is a funny thing.. Like the girl who was serially monogamous… she only slept with the person she was dating that week.  Technically, if she broke up with the poor bloke who was the latest fling, she wasn’t cheating on anyone when the next day she picked out this week’s winner of the poke that pussy contest.

Then there was the dude who swore to his girl.. those other women meant nothing to me.. they were just sex, its you I love.  In a weird kind of way he actually was monogamous because his heart.. if he actually has one in that black hole in his chest.. was never a participant in poke the pussy..  but presumably his heart was pumping his girl’s pussy.. any one buy this line?

If you think that exchanging sticky body fluids is the key to monogamy you are sadly mistaken.. Even if you slap a bag on that thing and don’t spill inside, sex with or without body fluid bonding.. is not required for a strong connection..

As sticky that subject gets, many a married person has said to their spouse.. I want to try this BDSM thing.  They can tie and flog me but no sex, I promise.. And the hapless and gullible partner agrees, not understanding that when this is your orientation, the person who gives you what you need to feel alive, has opened a whole new world in which that person is the sun, and the center of a perfect universe.. In other words.. the spouse may be faithful by staying “sexually monogamous” but they care more for the person they are NOT having sex with, than the person they are.

Many an experienced owner and slave play in scenes.  A scene is quite different than starting a BDSM relation, but still, a scene has a level of penetration.. even if it isn’t physically sexual.  Maybe you don’t body fluid bond, but its a good question to consider..when you S&M scene with others.. is THAT..an potential emotional danger to your existing relation commitments..  You have to ask yourself these questions.

But not tonight.. I’m tired and often write 1,000 word essays.  Lets mix it up and both take it slower for a change.  Chalk this up to part 1 of the Monogamy and BDSM piece I am working on.. More tomorrow.. Carpe Diem my friends.. Be someone’s great day.