Munch and fur flying

I know that I promised to follow my list of quotes by others with some of my own, but I strongly suspect you are reading this for the BDSM content and not to hear me pontificate.  Since tonight’s munch was interesting, I’m going there.  I’ll get to my quotes tomorrow.. promise.


Munch, munch, munch…  Someone once told me that a munch was a meeting over lunch.. Not sure the origins of this term but its been in use quite a while.  It’s been bitter cold so I packed Izrina in furs and off we went to a local munch.   I like them.  Its an opportunity for me to be my gentleman sadist, and get her coat and doors.  If you want more on that, use the “search for words” tool on the right side of this blog and search for the word, “gentleman”.  In fact, if you haven’t used that tool before, I encourage you to experiment.  I use it all the time to find blogs I know I’ve written.

Rolling into the scene…We, and by that I mean I, picked an open spot at a table with a gentleman who was at the house party this past weekend.  Across from me was an older couple I had not spent a lot of time with.  Then a newbie couple came in and joined us, sitting right across from us.

The gentleman of the older couple had a strong interest in rope, and his Fetname implies this is what he is all about rope.  He and his bottom have been together for thirteen years.  The new couple, were as you might expect, a bit nervous about this whole munch thing, having never been to anything community related before.  I was anxious to disarm them, make them feel welcomed, and answer questions.

As you can well imagine, I love when I have an opportunity to speak with newbies.  It gives me a chance to pontificate, which of course I did at some length.. speaking to them about finding a way to communicate your self identity, about Ds, BD, SM.  They had never heard of subspace which lead to after care and a number of other subjects.


And then the fur started flying! – Every time I opened my mouth though, the bottom in the older couple interjected with comments about how “everyone is different” and “advise from one person doesn’t fit everyone”.  And then I would point out, yes, but I hate that kind of talk, because some things are intrinsically true.  Plus we need people to share all of the tools in their toolbox so we can find the ones that work for us.  We share so that everyone has a full toolbox.

I would then move on to another subject, to be interrupted again.  Back and forth it went. I began to wonder why the top was so quiet.  I began to wonder if the bottom wasn’t really running that show.  I didn’t however offer that thought, because they didn’t offer information about their dynamic and I believe that everyone deserves respect until they lose it.

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

Anyway, I got across my major points, a flurry of ideas to absorb and then pointed out people at the munch they wanted to speak with, to get vetted for the next rope workshop.  They left to go start that process and I had a chance to speak further with the older couple. THEN, the top started speaking, taking soft jabs at my Domination of the conversation.

Seems the bottom’s father was a diplomat, and she grew up with protocol.  It was a very big part of her growing up.. and she didn’t want to ever go back to that.  He hit me with the fact that while they liked the local dungeon, but he didn’t like the fact that many of the people  there were hard core into protocol.  He and his “slave” felt pressured to adopt protocols in their relation.

Suddenly all the puzzle pieces fit into place.  This was a couple who were really into rope, and mildly into Ds.  In their minds that didn’t diminish them as a Dominant or submissive. He felt like others didn’t treat him like a “real dominant” because of their loose format.   From my perspective, with him being quiet the whole time and she being so vocal, I would by my definitions, never consider them to be Master and slave.  I might consider what I observed Dominant and submissive, but only very mildly.  I can see why others might point this out to them.  But I also wouldn’t insult their feelings about their relation by insisting on driving that point.

If I were to do a deeper dive into this, I would guess that he has had to compromise on protocols because it is important to her.  He wants to be a Master, but her hard limits and vocal nature gives him only two choices.. cut her loose or accept the dynamic.  After thirteen years, he’s not going to cut her loose.  They appear to be happy with who they are, and already feel defensive about it, so no point in fur flying over that.  There is only one problem with me keeping quiet as I did.

The problem with silence – This is a couple who will be active in the community. They will rail against the “one true way” and “definitions of identities”. They will put forth that soft mushy idea that you can’t define these things.  They will dilute MY reality, by insisting on theirs.

If a word has no meaning until the person using it personally defines it, then why even have that word in the first place?  What is the value of a word that has no value?  None.  Words such as slave, consensual slave, and submissive need definitions ~Xtac Quote

They will continue to object to any solid advice under the banner of fighting the oppression of the “one true way”.  They will constantly muddy the water of definitions and mentoring because of they don’t want to feel diminished.  I don’t understand why a submissive or Dominant has to feel diminished when I say they are not a slave and Master.  They are choosing to not seek a TPE.  They chose to be Dominant and submissive. Why can’t they be happy with that?  Why diminish MY relation by redefining it? There IS a difference between TPE and submission.  We call that difference slave or submissive. Yes there are different kinds of Master/slave relations but what they share is the common goal to approximate being an un-consensual slave.  From history we know what a real slave is.  Today’s modern consensual slave is borrowing on that term.  Ah well.. this argument is ancient.  I like the older couple, but I don’t like what they think, and I can accept both of these things.

There will always be Dominants and submissives who don’t want to be told they are not Masters and slaves, and there will always be Masters and slaves who are offended by Dominants and submissives dilute the hardcore life we lead by insisting on watering down the conditions required to claim that title.  Might as well ask why left wing and right wing politics don’t get along…

We get into our heads the way a thing needs to be, and then set out to make everyone else agree to our reality, so that we don’t have to change.  No cure for it really.  I could propose that everyone just relax, and realize that the problem is you.  By that I mean that you need to stop trying to impose your reality on mine.. but… and here is the funny part.. I have to impose MY reality about that on YOU to get YOU to stop imposing your reality on ME.  It’s kind of funny when you step back and look at it.

The cure for radical points of view is almost always for you to do the very thing thing you are trying to stop.  The only way to get a religious radical to stop trying to convert you, is to convert them.   The only way to stop a killer, is to kill them.  Why do we kill a killer?  Do we kill a killer to show that killing is wrong?  No.. we do it to stop them, so we can live the way we want. Its weird when you really look at it.  To stop a thing you don’t like, you often have to DO the thing you don’t like.

Argue to the intelligence of your point not to people. If you find yourself in a cage with monkeys, what would the point be to trying to convince them to stop throwing shit? ~ Xtac Quote


I think I am just going to move into a cave with my slave and let the whole world eat itself!


Another interesting thing came of this evening.  There was a Master who was ostracized from the local community for consent violation.  I asked often for details about that.  For the most part, I got vague generalities, mostly about gas-lighting, and one solid example.  The older gentleman gave me some much better examples of why descriptions of his abuses seemed vague.  He describe how this Master was a person who carved out special privileges, treating others as needing his guidance, using his position of respect to interfere, belittling people if they didn’t accept him get involved, and stepping into their scenes and control under his own assumption that as a brilliant and accomplished Master he was just mentoring, not meddling.  That IS consent violation.  You have to be invited, before you can mentor a person or meddle in a scene.  That was good information.

Listening helps!  Let me wrap this up with something that proves you need to listen to others, even if you don’t agree.  The bottom, who kept interrupting, and wasn’t stopped by her top.. she had a new and rather brilliant comment tonight.  She said in essence that in every Ds relation that you have to take into account three things.  She then listed the needs of the Dominant,  the submissive, and the relation; pointing out that all three had needs that should be taken into account.  It was in response to me quoting some “Kinky Vile” comments about Masters and slaves needing to be compatible in their needs.

This three participants idea is brilliant.  I’ve reformulated that conversation into a new quote:  In every Ds relation there are three participants.. the Dominant, the submissive, and the relation.  All three have needs.  Brilliant!  That is very quote worthy!.  And that takes me back to quotes in general.  The truth is that no idea is new.  Every quote I have thought up has been thought of before, by someone, somewhere, at some time.  We just rediscover these things over and over. People like myself who take credit for brilliance are only able to do so because we are students of life, and we listen, then put this stuff back into bite size pieces of critical information for consumption.

Constants!  There really isn’t anything new under the sun. or the moon either. I often point to Romeo and Juliet as proof that no matter how we change, basic human interaction remains a constant.  We recognize the motivations of these fictional lovers from hundreds of years ago, and thousands of year from now, these motivations and reactions will still be recognizable.  Just one more reason to stop the assault of the one true way.  I am not suggesting there IS one true way.  What I am saying is that to move forward, we have to stop being fuzzy on definitions, and start to accept that there ARE good solid training techniques, ARE practices proven by  time to be effective, ARE useful behavior modification methods, and sharing these are important to who and what we are.

Anyway..  it was a good evening.  I got in some time to pontificate. I got to share some ideas with you. and I even got to see my slave turn red faced when I put her on the spot at the munch..always a pleasure in public.  Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day.

Black, white, shades of grey

This is NOT about the book.  Its about tonight’s munch, and an epiphany.  It was a nice day.  I had lunch with my biological family, then supper with my kinky family.

At the munch I had the opportunity to sit with three folk. One was very new and had questions.  I pulled out my soapbox, and started to pontificate, a word that may sadly fit me because I can be annoyingly pompous and dogmatic.  Here are some of the subjects  that came up:

Self Identity – When I start, I start from the beginning.  I think it is important to learn  for yourself how to say what you are, what your kink is, and not have someone force a label on you.  It was pointed out to me that there is a sex-positive, TNG side to this subject that discourages labels.  I disagree with this.  If you are lesbian, you want to let men know that hitting on you isn’t appreciated.  If you feel a deep need to submit to another, you need to be able to communicate this.

The key is that YOU decide how to label yourself, not someone else.  And yes, labels have a bad connotation.  But just because your local supermarket has a hundred kinds of boxes all marked cereal, doesn’t make the label bad.  A label is a starting point.  You have to read the description on each, and the ingredients.  When you self identify, you are using a label that helps others understand you.  Its up to them to get to know you, read your description, and come to know what that label means for you personally.

I want to devote more time in another blog to the dangers of moving into an overly generalized, feel good about sex, Utopian dream of making all sex positive by watering down strong opinions. I think there are dangers in depriving people of developing a strong self identity, of pushing away self-identities in the name of unity.  We need to protect and respect the right to project who and what is in the core of their being.  BDSM is less about what we do and more about who we are.  Its about BDSM pride. Pride in who we are.

Are you a Master – Are you a Master, I was asked.  I had to quote myself.    The only titles of value are those acquired thru recognition by others. One claims that title by exercising that recognition, not asserting it. ~Xtac quote  – I turned the question into a question.  There are some that call me a Master and some that do not.  What would you call me? I asked.  One of the three I was speaking with was a young lady and she nodded approvingly.  She commented on those Dominants who announce what they are, and immediately expect to be treated as a MasterShe liked my answer, and I was pleased she saw the difference.

The difference between a sub and a slave – Ah this old subject again, fraught with pitfalls and misunderstandings because we all have descriptions and self-identified special ingredients on our own personal labels. But I would not throw away the labels because they lead to endless discussion, I would keep them because they lead to endless discussion, refection, and self-discovery.

My way of saying this is to use a visual. Imagine a dial with settings from 1 to 100.  The first 99 are submissive.  100 is slave.  This is because a slave makes one choice, who to serve.  At least that’s the simple version.  We talked at length about TPE, and internalized enslavement.  About how you are what you are with or without a partner. How the one choice can be more complex.  About how IE brings on almost a Stockholm syndrome like relation.  The negative aspects of IE were observed of course, and my slave who had been quiet for most of this came to defend this deep and raw connection we share from TPE.  She held out her hands in high protocol fashion, waiting for me to recognize her desire to speak, and then she said effectively, that she experiences IE as a deepening awareness in her every action and thought of how it will please or not please me.  Yeah, she said that better than I did.  That’s the value of intelligent property.  I am blessed to have such a wonderful extension of my will to command.

Speaking in third person – We talked about how a Master rewires the brain.  That a Master makes a slave by creating a new mindset.  That many ideas have been tried and some have proven value.  It came up that I have my slave speak in third person, because it creates a mindset of being owned.  I wish now I had called her my canvas, as I so often do.  She is my great masterpiece, the thing upon which  I create a bond,  deep and terrible in its intensity and beauty.

Taking away my slave’s name – Then I mentioned that the first thing I do in training is take away the name. Its an old, tried and true method I endorse.  The idea is to break away from the old identity, and replace it with an object.  Now this conversation took an interesting turn. I think the gentleman across from me was repulsed by the plan to objectify my property.  That’s ok.  The way that BDSM works for one need not be the way it is for another.  But I pitched my point of view to bridge the gap, to show how it works for my slave and I.

It is true that the more I create a slave mindset, the more my slave feels a sense of who she was slipping away.  It can seem like a dark scary place where you are no longer sure of who you are or what you are.  I have personally faced such a place in a spiritual quest to give up all desire.  I found that the state of being desire free unsatisfying.  I prefer tantra meditation. rich in passion and compassion.  This is my happy place, my spiritual space.  Where I arrived, and where I am striving for my slave to arrive, is a zen like place.  It is my desire that in this place of nothingness, my slave is living not for the past or the future, but for the present, the here and the now.   I want her to live in a world without pressure, without decisions, feeling safe and comfortable in the ecstasy of those incredibly and unbearably beautiful moments of now, where the little things fill our hearts with joy.  Its a religious like destination and in fact, I am taking myself and my slave to spiritual place.  Its just that I do it with BDSM.

Black, white, shades of grey –  And now at last we come to the subject in the title of this blog.  I saved this one for last, because it was an epiphany moment for me.  I learned something tonight from a newbie.  It’s one of the joys of life, to be open to these things.  To not be so full of ourselves that we dismiss others without really listening.

The gentleman across from me was searching.  Searching for a way to say who and what he was to others.  He was searching for his personal handle, his label.  I cautioned him that the scope of his project, to find himself, was broad.  He had a lifetime to figure it out. He wasn’t always comfortable with eye contact, and he professed an appeal in times when his life was out of control, to pass control to another, but then he also found sadistic pleasure in tweaking people who needed it.

He was particularly interested in what a switch was, and as we talked about what some people think a switch is, from this view point and that.  We turned to the fact that some people think that a switch is somehow less than a Dom or a Sub.  I observed how from my perspective where I NEED to be on top of a power exchange, and understood those that would serve me, I found it difficult to understand how a person could be both.  And then he said “It’s neither, it is its own thing.  A thing can be black or it can be white, but if a thing is grey  it is both black and white but also neither.  It is its own thing. “

From the mouths of babes!  It shocked me, as any epiphany does.  I have had long discussions on this subject with people with many years and decades of experience and never felt the clarity that I did in that simple statement.  This newbie was completely and utterly and unmistakably right.

That’s all folks!  If you read this far I guess you found my ramblings interesting.  I am pleased.  Its been a very long day  and yet another day of living with X comes to a close.  Its been a good day.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

 

 

Uncommon Currency

If you are just looking for what uncommon currency is, skip to the second half of this piece.  Tonight, I start with a quote

“It takes more strength to be a slave than a Master. You may disagree but it is the slave who demonstrates strength and courage with their commitment to an uncommon currency; the currency of trust, honesty, and love” ~Xtac quote

I’ve been sucked into the debate, does the slave really have all the control.  Let’s not go there.  Its kind of a chicken or egg came first thing.  This quote is not about that debate, its about strength, not control.  Its about the uncommon currency that makes equitable, our peculiar lifestyle.

I’ll avoid saying lifestyle choice, because for some of us power exchange might as well be the air we breath.  I’ve sometimes referred to my lifestyle as an “orientation”.  For those of us that need this and are an empty vessel without it, “orientation” feels so much more correct than just a “choice”.  But I digress.

To those outside the window looking in, they see a person giving up all that are and have for another.  In a very real sense, a Master receives tangible benefits that those looking on can readily see.  It is the peculiar nature of some things, like love, that only those in it can see the value that exists between them.   But these things we exchange are very real to us, a palpable thing that touches us deep inside.

And how could it be any other way?  A slave will make of themselves a possession. Their body, mind and will becomes an extension of the will of the Master or Mistress they serve.  My slave may not even say “My Master” for she can not even own that.  There is no boundary, no privacy, no buffer, no space, in which to retreat.  It’s a raw, open connection so deep as to be scary.  Some slaves face a moment of fear, a sense that their identity is slipping away.  With management, it becomes a zen thing, living in the moment, alive with the joy of the interaction that is now.

This is why I say that being a slave takes more strength.  It is the commitment to pursue the incredibly big things in small moments that takes your breath away.  It is the faith that when we are human and those moments seem infinitely far away, that the person you trust and have entrusted with all that you are will find the way to bring you back to your happy place.

Absolutes are concepts for fools and I don’t believe that I am such a fool as to believe that one statement about the nature of a thing can capture all people or all things.  But in a general way though this quote is true and there are moments when you see and recognize that truth in beautiful epiphany.


Now..  let us dive deeper into uncommon currency itself.. what it means.  I think you can get a better sense of where I am headed with this term, in my My core values and beliefs piece, but in a nutshell.

What I am saying is that a Master and slave relationship is both unequal AND equitable.  A Master has all possessions and power and yet the relationship is equal in terms of what is exchanged because of our values..what we place value on.. our currency of exchange.  If we think of an exchange in nilla terms, the M/s relation is NOT equitable.  But because we crave either to dominate or be dominated, our personal values make it equitable.

And here is a thing..because uncommon currency is so very personal, you can’t judge another, even if you are kinky.  You need to understand that only two people in a relationship, can understand themselves if the currency of exchange, that which they desire most, is being met.  Yes, we are a breed apart, but I think a better breed because we have vast diversity, deep thinking about what that means, and respect for personal values that goes much farther in its way of looking at things.


So my friends, acquaintances, and playmates past and future, let us raise a toast and warm our hearts for those that go into that place with no road map, presenting all that they are as a canvas on which a Master may create a masterpiece.   It takes strength to place such trust in another and to hold fast to the uncommon currency that comes of it.