Why THREE collars are important

Buckle up boys and girls, X is going all un-apologetically old-school on your ass… yes.. I know I should be consensual about it and many a Dominant type is going to be all like.. you keep your hands off my ass, but I just cant’s help it!  I feel very strongly about this one.

The question on the table is: What the fuck is this THREE collars crap?  Glad you asked.  I give workshops on collars and I am not going to go into great detail about all the nuances of collars.   I am just going to go into the subject of the three classic collars. They are: consideration, training, and final.  Maybe some day when I’m bored, I’ll post something about how you might want to consider a romantic collaring, or spiritual, or private or classic.  Or maybe you might want to be sold.. with a collaring ceremony run as a property transaction, complete with papers of ownership, a slave registry, a registration tattoo, and an inspection before purchase.  Someday.. maybe..

Now if you are not familiar with the three classic collars, no need to fret.  And for the love of God, let’s not start the discussion about Leathermen and  the roots of this.  If you don’t want to accept the three collars as “classic” I am OK with that.  I don’t want to have a discussion about it.  Traditions or not, the three classic collars serve an extremely valuable purpose and if we can’t agree on anything else, let’s at least review what the purpose is.. then tell me if you don’t agree on the value.

Holy crap batman, I’ve seen this before.. it’s slave frenzy!  When a newbie hits the streets for the first time.. . a thing called  “slave frenzy” sets in.   It’s all new to you, and it’s freaking hot and sexy.  Maybe you hit a dungeon and some dude is like.. oooh new flesh.. and they do a suspension scene.. completely consensual, and the ropes slide over skin, and the harness tightens.. and your feet slip out from under you, and the suspension scene kicks in.. and you are fucking flying.. not just literally but in subspace too.  And you want more.. its a fucking carnival and you want to try every ride.  And you gotta, gotta, gotta have a Dominant and oh my lord I just gotta do this 24×7.  Whooooaaaaa Nellie!  Pull those reins back.. you’re a runaway slave in full slave frenzy mode!  Yep!  It happens.  It’s the time when the disreputable types move in for an easy piece of ass.

The slave with the sad eyes, sits in the corner... Even the most seasoned slaves can feel used after they have been through the mill of bad relations a few times.  They offered their trust and submission to someone that was..incompatible.  Maybe the top wasn’t honest, or maybe you weren’t honest with yourself..or you just wanted to be owned so fucking much.. that you overlooked some shit.. you could bear it.. whatever.. it didn’t work.  Now the scene is all shit and you have this big hole where your heart and juicy sex used to be and you want it back.. but trust is so hard to give again.

The last thing I want to do is blow sunshine up your skirt.. or kilt… I have better things to do up there!   Hmmm.. I mean, I don’t want to give you false hope.  I don’t have all the answers, but the classic collars serve a purpose and the a fore mentioned problems are just part of what they solve.   So let’s get to it, shall we?


Collar of consideration.  The consideration collar is a bit like wearing a class ring on a necklace, this means you are going “steady”..  Hey.. I’m nearly 60.. I don’t know. do kids still go “steady”?  Maybe there is a better analogy, but when a slave and an owner come to an agreement, when they both think they might have something in common, the first thing they both want to do is let others know that there is a relationship.

Now it seems to me that nearly everyone is willing to hit on someone that is smoking hot, even if they are married, or an owned slave.  There are a lot of unscrupulous people out there. So marking your territory with a collar is of very limited value.  Only the people who understand respect are going to care that you marked your territory and those types wouldn’t be a problem in the first place.. So let’s just gloss over that as a value.. it’s not anymore.

What DOES have value is that before a Master offers a collar of consideration, before a slave accepts his or her collar, there is an opportunity for discussion. It’s a time for negotiation, to find out what’s going on inside the Dominants head. What does he or she see in this slave?  What kind of training would they offer?  How deep is this submission thing going to go?

It should also be understood that consideration means just that.  There is not commitment..on either side… Its a contract that no one should feel bad about breaking.  You are in a simple phase that might last from three to twelve months, depending on how each of you think its going.  This slows down the frenzy.. it gives time for you to both think rationally, and to realize if you are walking into a mistake.  There is time to reverse course, back out, realize that what seemed perfect at first glance, won’t be.

Training Collar.  The next collar is the training collar.  This is like an engagement ring and I am fairly sure those are still in use.  Here is the beautiful thing about a a training collar.  By the time three to twelve months have gone by, you will have had plenty of time to figure out if you both like anal or not.  If you like a leather massage or a caning.  Does the Master you are entering into a relationship push harder than you can enjoy?  Are you floating or just holding on and waiting for it to end?   You HAVE to be honest.  This isn’t about admitting you ate the last of his cherished Oreo cookies.  You are figuring out if this thing is going to work.  It’s really, really important, and the training collar says.. you got this.. you know in your heart that negotiations are over.. you are ready for this Bad boy of Dominance.. or girl.. to take you!

With a collar of consideration, you didn’t need to ask if your three responsibilities* would be respected.  You didn’t need to know if you were giving up the first of your three areas of choice*.  You didn’t need to figure out which of the four areas of TPE negotiations* would apply to this submission.  Now you have to have that shit figured out!

The training collar means negotiations are in their final stages.  Oh, you may be tweaking them here and there, but for the most part, now you know exactly where this thing is heading.  Are you starting to see the value now?   The three classic collars is a build up, these provide times to stop and pause, to reflect, and to rejoice at a new level of achievement in your relation.  Speaking of rejoicing..

The FINAL collar – We pray.. Masters and slaves alike, that the final collar IS the final collar we will ever put on.  Most come with a padlock.  They stay on.. for life.  They come with a collaring ceremony, surrounded by friends and acquaintances from all over the community.  It’s a time, not unlike a wedding, when you take the BIG plunge.  This is the one that you won’t back out of.  The consideration was nothing.. easy to break.  The training could fail, for no ones fault.  You could discover you are incompatible and split.  But the final collar, oooo baby, that’s the one.  That means yes!  The Master is saying, this is the canvas I want.  I look forward to a life of swimming deeper and deeper into his or her psyche.  I have tasted submission and it is good.  I will have it, claim it, stand above it, and carry it in times of need.  All that is left is to decide what KIND of ceremony fits you.


 

So many question unanswered.  This is just a primer… a peek at the world of collars.  It is why I give workshops on it.  This is important stuff.  But mostly, I encourage people to consider following the three classic collars.

One question would be.. what kind of collar should I get?  What should it be made of?  Does it have to be around the neck?  Can I take it off?   Who owns the collar?  Can I hide it?  What if I want it off?  So many question, but no answers now.. Its too much info for one blog.  My workshops usually run about two hours.   I blog more on this another time – perhaps.

All I want you to do is think about the concept of three collars. It’s an idea that has merit. The value of taking time to reflect on where you are going, and pausing to have a discussion each time you make a bigger commitment, is something I will always support.. even if it is a bit old-school and not popular.  It makes sense to me.. and I plan to continue to promote it as long as people invite me to speak.
Well that was a long one.. as usual.  I really do love to hear myself speak, don’t you think? Ah.. its not all bad.  I have a good idea once in a while.  Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day.

 

Related   (* was mentioned above)

 

 

 

I am ignoring you, slave!

Unbelievable! – Can you imagine a responsible Master saying to their slave, “I am ignoring you!”?  Neither can I.   At first blush, I would say NO Master would ever do that.  We are sworn to take away your burdens, to shoulder your worries, we listen dutifully and we act.

Truth is it happens, it happens all the time, and its not a bad thing.  A few years back in the “Cult of fury”  (a dungeon  that was discovered and closed down by panicky nilla’s), I watched as a friend did a scene with his bottom.  She whined and complained and he just ignored her and went on with the scene and I smiled.  It worked for them. I turn to that memory every now and then.

Its a fact that we have safe words because no doesn’t mean no.  In fact, its kind of hot when you ignore a No!, and keep on going.  It gives you that feeling of authenticity, it makes our consensual non-consent relations feel more real.

I was speaking with Vile, a blogger who I am on page with like ivory soap.. 99.9 percent pure, all good info, all the time.  He noted something similar.  There are times that he is exactly like I describe myself.. a slow, steady, unmovable force pushing until his slave molds comfortably, happily, to his desires. I bet Arianna ( his slave ) and Izrina could swap some great stories..

Support groups!  We don’t talk about THIS often enough. Sometimes we DON’T listen.  Oh we hear the protests, the No!, the objection to where we are taking you, but we are going to do it anyway. This is why slaves need support groups.. so they can get together and agree that we are assholes but they still love us.  A great slave will promote the one they serve in public, putting forth only the goods side. That is another reason why support groups are helpful.  We all have these things that we don’t talk about, like the times an Owner didn’t listen.  In the comfort of your fellow slaves company, then is a good time to share, to know we all experience similar things, and agree that its actually a good thing, and sometimes kind of hot.  It is also a time to find out when it is not normal and that might be bad… though if your owner isn’t keeping you from support, I doubt it.  Its the ones who don’t want you in support groups to watch out for.

Deal with it!  In the TPE (total power exchange) or CNC (consensual non-consent) agreement, you signed up for this.  You gave us all this power and we are going to make you do things, that you in your heart know you wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t for us.

Its not that we don’t listen, we do.. but and forgive me because I know you are not children so this makes a poor analogy, but we do sometimes treat you like children who are whining about chores.  We hear you and we are still going to make you do them anyway.  Sometimes the results are awesome.

The good side – She who is my canvas, Izrina, if she is NOT in the middle of being made to do something and therefore in a less generous mood.. will tell you that I have pushed her into many things and in many ways she is much better off for it.  Specifically in the areas of health and finance, I’ve made very useful changes in her life.

Speaking of Izrina, she has been listed as a Boot Black in the 2017 North East Power Exchange competitions schedules page (here).  She’s nervous, but once she is sitting with her sister slaves, that will calm right down.  I love to see slaves working and laughing together.

IMPORTANT STUFF!   I think its important to note that at times a CNC may appear to actually be NOT consensual.  Slaves whine, and complain, and object, and we go right on doing things anyway.

Sometimes its hot!..On your back wench and spread your legs!  Sometimes not so much.. My back is killing me.. can I just do oral service?

Sometimes Dominants appear to be insensitive, and on one level we are.  Its kind of like the old tough love thing, we have to harden ourselves to push you to the places you asked us to make you go.

Nothing is ever as easy or simple as it sounds. When you get right down to it, a real Dominant is always open to criticisms of abuse, both physical and verbal. A slave gives the gift of trust.  We don’t think about it very often, but in a way, a Dominant gives a lot of trust too.  We are often risking very real, legal intervention in our lives.  We take on this risk, in part because we too trust.  That is, we trust this won’t be turned against us.


When you hear bad things about Dominants, here are two quotes to go with it.

Remember this-EVERY accusation of consent violation has a predator and a victim..every one. The real question is, who is the predator and who is the victim? ~ Xtac Quote

If you ever hear a bad story about me understand that there was a time I was good to those people too, but they wont tell you that. ~ Author unknown

Related

The THREE slave areas of choice

An external slave, one who is enslaved by external forces, has no choices.  An internal slave, one who is enslaved by their own desires to engage in submission and consensual slavery, has a world of choices.. until one day.

One day that slave, having been responsible for years, and having honed his or her skills in decision making, and having protected the property that is their body, keeping it safe for the Owner who would one day take possession, finally finds and requests the gift of domination, and is scared and excited to find that Dominant has chosen to bestow that gift upon them.

On that day, when a slave enters into consideration, then training, to be a slave for the Dominant of their desire, on that day their areas of choice narrows significantly.

Some might argue, a slave makes one decision, the owner they would serve. I find that to be a simple and uncompelling concept and patently wrong… a slave does not choose the owner, that violates the very core of control.  I present to you a richer, more full look at the areas of choice a consensual slave has.. regardless of how their owner prefers to structure their TPE.


Who, What, When

Area 1)   Who gives commands – The consensual slave retains the choice of the individuals to whom they give their ultimate gift, the gift of trust. Once a choice is made, the consensual slave will make known their desire to submit, requesting the gift of Domination, mentoring, or protection. This choice may be negotiated away.

An un-owned a slave can and must judge the Dominants they would offer their trust to.  Be it for a scene, or a protector, a mentor, or a possible owner, the consensual slave must exercise their first responsibility as a slave, drawing upon all the wisdom they have so far accumulated, in the selection of who to trust.   An owned slave may relinquish their responsibility to choose wisely who they will trust, giving that responsibility to the one they serve – all the more reason to choose wisely.  An owned slave may retain this area of choice completely, if it is negotiated as part of the TPE agreement.  If a slave gives this area of choice into the control of their Dominant, the slave no longer retains the right to chose who to trust, though they may still have a voice in the process. This is the first area of choice that any consensual slave starts with.  It may be negotiated away.


Area 2)  What commands are accepted – The owned consensual slave will faithfully execute all commands of the dominant they serve but will choose wisely the manner in which they resist commands that violate their responsibilities to the property, its values, and its ethics.  This choice may not be negotiated away.

A slave will ALWAYS be responsible for the commands they accept.  You must weigh commands against your values and ethics and those that don’t measure up must not be accepted.  You should not accept harm to the property that is your body.. Pain maybe, but no lasting significant harm.  Lastly, you may retain those areas that are agreed to under the four areas of TPE negation.

The responsible Dominant will understand a slaves values and ethics are a higher priority and might even test that a slave is still acting as the final arbitrator of right choice, and right action, as defined by the slaves personal values and ethics.  A good Dominant needs to know that the core values are intact.

Many a slave has committed acts they later regretted because they failed to exercise this area of choice. This area of choice MUST be retained.  This is the second area of choice for any consensual slave.  It may not be negotiated away.


Area 3)  When to withdraw consent – A consensual slave may choose to exercise the power of withdrawing consent, knowing that any time the power of consent is exercised, may be the last time they do so as an slave of that owner. This choice is fundamental to BDSM and is impossible to remove under the concepts of consensual internalized enslavement.

Any consensual slave ethically and legally retains the right at any time to withdraw consent.  Consensual slavery is founded on the concept in internalized enslavement.  To not acknowledge this is to shift into external enslavement – enslavement enforced not by desire, but by fear and intimidation – and it is evil.

The consensual slave can not control what commands they will be given or when.  They have submitted their body and mind into the will of another and given the ultimate gift of a slave, complete trust that this submission will be used honorably, in accordance with the four areas of TPE negotiation, and within the slaves core beliefs, values and ethics.

If an owner violates that trust, repeatedly and without repentance, it is encumbrance upon the consensual slave to exercise good decision making and withdraw consent.  The owner may in return choose to remove his or her collar.  These are decisions not to be taken lightly, but the right to withdraw consent is always present, always an option. Both slave and Owner would do well to remember this.   This the third area of choice for any consensual slave.  It exists always, in every minute of submission, even if that submission lasts a lifetime.


Being the arrogant pompous ass that I am, I like to think that this is a much better approach than the simple.. you are a slave.. you do everything I say thing.  Call it my version of best practices if you like.  Reality dictates that is this is just my opinion, but being a Dominant, I naturally think that I am brilliant and therefore this must be spot on. I am pleased with this final draft.

 

Related

 

Does your humility interfere with your slavery?

I like a shy slave.  A “we’re not worthy” kind of slave.  I feel like those slaves really understand my gift of Dominance…  But then reality sets in…

I can’t tell you the number of times a slave has said something like: “I don’t know if I am good enough..”   My response is.. “What?!!! Do you think I would pick out garbage to give my gift to?  Do you think I don’t know what I want?  Are you trying to tell me what I like?”  Those kinds of questions will usually have such a slave stammering almost immediately, and retreating even further into the comfort of their shy retreat.  Here comes the social sadist side..wait for it.. Not that once engaged I would allow a retreat!

I sat with a Dominant one night who was on a rant about slaves who would quit rather than try.  Submission wasn’t enough. He had to have something more.  I wasn’t on the same page with him.  Again, I thought, I like those shy kinds of slaves who seem to want to drop to their knees and wail.. I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy..

I might be coming around to his thinking though.  If you are a slave and you like being in the shadow of a strong public Master, that can be a wonderful thing.  But regardless of being owned or not owned, there is a downside to shyness and humility. I have always known that this needed attention but now I am starting to think it is something to take much more seriously into consideration.


The problem with humility and shyness is two fold. 

First, when you have an abundance of shyness and humility before you are owned, you may make decisions for a Dominant that they don’t want you to make for them.  Like to not approach them with the offer of your trust.   You may feel unworthy, leading you to undervalue yourself.  It’s easy to do and all too common among people who really, really need submission to be free.

Second, when you have an abundance of shyness and humility after you are owned, this may get in the way of a direct command.  You may feel that everything you do for Master must be perfect, so that others know what a good owner he or she is, and how obedient and faithful you are.  Now in the course of these fears you may over think, over research, over do a task.  Or you may even balk at the task for fear that it is beyond you.

So the question becomes, how do you over come these limitations?  The answers are many, though only some may work for you.


Overcoming the limitation of humility and shyness

Your value is measured by what you bring to a relation, not by the relation itself. 

Never forget that with or without an owner, you are a slave.  A slave is property and every property has value.  Your value isn’t in your willingness to comply, or your level of submission, though these are important.  Your value lies in your honesty, and your decision making.  Your Dominant will determine if your submission fits.  Honesty is absolutely critical to the slave’s gift of..trust.  Can you be honest?  Can you use that honesty to make a real decision?  Then you have value.  NEVER forget it.

Note: This bears repeating.  Submission is not a gift and ultimate submission is not the ultimate gift.  The slaves ultimate gift is trust. When trust is coupled with honesty, you can find someone truly compatible and that makes your level of submission work.  Trust, honesty, consent.. they work together.

An offer of Domination means someone sees your value

It doesn’t matter if its a scene for one night, or a collar of consideration, when a Dominant offers the gift of their Domination, it is not your place to question their decision. You may accept or reject the offer but the fact they did offer, means that they see potential in you.  If you accept, THEY will decide if you are the right slave for them.  You have been given two great gifts..validation of your value.. and you have been given the chance to lighten your burdens, to place all of your worries into the hands of one who will handle your worries for you.

NOTE: You might want to know what they see in you.  Hopefully its not just an easy piece of ass.  That is not how it should work, and that is NOT a sign of valuing you.

Worries are not yours

If you accept the gift of Domination, your worries.. should be stricken from your vocabulary. THEY ARE NOT YOURS!  A dominant should above all be making decisions and the most important decisions they can make are the ones that lighten your load.  What is the point of giving your ultimate gift..trust.. if it isn’t used.  Give completely of yourself.  Allow yourself to FEEL the trust you have given.  Trust that you can speak of your fears, concerns, and worries. Let your Dominant help shoulder them.  Of course a Dominant may also add to your worries, pushing you to achieve more. Again trust your Dominant to do the right thing.

Punishments are not yours

When you have an abundance of humility, you will often feel that your work isn’t good enough. You will want to punish yourself for screw ups.  You might keep playing that last screw up over and over in your mind.  You should not be allowed to do that. I wouldn’t allow it. 

Just as all worries should go to the Dominant, punishments are the property of the Dominant as well. The Dominant will forgive, or choose the punishment. They will choose how quickly to provide punishment.  They will provide the relief of knowing the punishment is over.  They should not want you beating yourself up. We Dominants want our slaves to be happy and you can’t be if you are beating yourself up.  Don’t do it.

Decisions are not yours

Well, not all decisions belong to the Dominant. Studies show that moral fiber degrades when all authority is removed.  A slave will ALWAYS be responsible for the commands they accept.  You must weigh commands against your values and ethics and those that don’t measure up must not be accepted.  You should not accept harm to the property that is your body.. Pain maybe, but no lasting significant harm.  Lastly, you may retain those areas that are agreed to under the four areas of TPE negation.

That being said all other decisions belong to the owner..  Even a submissive who is not owned, but has an abundance of humility and shyness, should question if the decisions you make are being made FOR ONE PERSON OR TWO?  Be honest. Ask yourself, am I deciding for me only, or does my decision maybe interfere with the wishes of the one I serve?  If it interferes, that becomes a worry and worry should be discussed.  So discuss it.. easy peasy.

Your worthiness to serve is not your decision

Here is what I as a Master want to hear when I give an order and you feel you are not worthy:    “Yes Master – this slave will try to be worthy of its Master’s trust and praise.

That answer tells me that you understand that I make the decisions. It tells me that you will try to obey to the best of your ability.  It tells me you have doubts in your ability but you will trust in my judgemenvt.

How good is good enough for a Dominant?

This answer comes to us from Vile – A good Master knows his slave’s limits and would never give a task knowing there would be failure.  This is what I expect from you. I expect you to do the best you can do. If this is done you have pleased me.  See his blog here.


It is not easy always easy to slide into these mindsets.  It may take years of service to a Master to get to the point where this all happens without thought. But a successful Dominant will keep working at, creating a place of deeper submission and trust.

To create the mindset of Master and slave, we must have the two key ingredients..

  • The gift of a slave’s trust
  • The gift of a Master’s Domination

The slave mindset needs to be centered around trust that the power given, will be used wisely, for the betterment of both. The Dominant, to create that condition must use the power that is exchanged in constructive ways.   The slave trusts that this is so.  A slave is not weak.  It takes great strength to overcome humility, shyness, fear, and other factors until you can finally to trust another so completely that you will give up substantial power in exchange for the gift of Domination.

Many a slave is strong of will, but the successful Dominant is stronger.  Like an irresistible force meeting an unmovable object, the successful Dominant applies his or her will without anger. They apply their will with love and patience; an irresistible force brought to bear upon the slave until they mold comfortably, happily, to the will of the Master.

It’s a great day to be alive.. Go be someone’s great day… Carpe diem my friends!

 


Related

The THREE slave responsibilities

A slave has three responsibilities.  These are not shocking and not so different from anyone else, but they are critical to establishing a foundation for the slave’s three areas of choice.


1) Ethics– A consensual slave will strive to make good decisions, guided by those they serve, but doing what is required by their personal ethics at all times.

We do not own any object of this earth.  Not even our bodies do we really own.  All will return to dust one day.  Even time is not ours to own. We can not add another minute of time to our lives.  All that we truly own, are our decisions.  Nothing therefore, is more important than the decisions we make.  What guides our most important decisions is our code of ethics.  What we believe above all else to be right behavior, right action, just action. It is therefore imperative that our personal ethics be our highest responsibility, before all else, even before the will of the Master whom a slave desires to serve.  The responsible slave practices good decision making, and ethics, with or without a Master.  This is the consensual slave’s first responsibility.


2) Property– A consensual slave will protect the property that is themselves, and the property of the Owner, as long as this protection is not in conflict with responsibility one.

Every property owner expects that when another uses their property, that it will be protected, and cared for, and returned in good shape.  So it is that every responsible slave will protect and care for the body, mind and health that is the property of the Master they serve, or the owner they will one day serve.  They will seek to do the same for the Master’s other assets.  And if that Master shows no regard for the damage they might cause the property, the responsible slave will protect that property even from the owner, until said owner returns to their proper appreciation for the property.  This is the consensual slave’s second responsibility.


3) Submission – A consensual slave will obey all commands of the Owner they serve and none other, as long as the orders* are not in conflict with responsibility one or two.

Slavery may be external and coerced or slavery may be internal and consensual.  We in BDSM recognize that love can only co-exist with power under the terms of consent and reject external slavery.  The un-owned consensual slave has no responsibility to submission but the owned consensual slave is completely responsible for their submission; forever mindful that protection and ethics are higher priorities.   The consensual slave that seeks the freedom that comes of submission, that comes of total trust, of the knowledge that your burdens are another’s, of the knowledge that the will of two people has truly become one; this slave must strive with all the trust they can give, to exchange all power to the Master they serve, placing their will into the control of that Master, with as little reservation and resistance as they can muster. This is the consensual slave’s third responsibility. 

*Orders may further be narrowed during TPE negotiation.


These are the THREE responsibilities of a slave.  They are the foundation on which a slave’s three areas of choice are built.  I am pleased with the final draft.


Related

The FOUR areas of TPE negotiation

If you were starting to think this is a nifty journal but I have nothing to lecture on or share, au contraire.


I have often heard folks in the BDSM community offer a simple explanation for the difference between a sub and a slave: A slave makes one choice, who they will serve. Well! When you put it that way it seems pretty simple.

The problem is, when two people enter into an intense relationship, things are NEVER that simple. If you knew my slave you’d understand! Don’t get me wrong, I own my properties body and mind. Her talent, intelligence, and time is a tool of my will. But there is much more to a person than a body and mind.

I actually count four areas of discussion when entering into a CNC (consensual non-consent) or TPE ( total power exchange).

1 – The body and mind

A TPE relation attempts to approximate what it would be like to be a sold slave whose body is complete commercial property. Actually.. a collaring ceremony can be conducted as a selling transaction, but I digress.

When negotiating ownership of the body, be aware that if the owner later discovers cutting and scarification and wants to try that on his or her slave, its their right. So negotiate up front hard limits. Hard limits are a necessary part of taking ownership. I personally feel if something wasn’t negotiated before taking ownership, there needs to be some leeway, but that’s a personal preference.

An owner should also have total access to the mind of his or her property. No personal boundaries should exist. I personally want the slave to set up a guardian, a part of the slave’s mind that records things that I might want to know, and reports daily, like playing back a recording.

2- Finances

The first was body and mind which is a simple, given understanding, of total slavery. Some might argue that finances automatically come with consensual slavery. Others not so much. A slave who turns over all their money and assets had better be damn sure they know what they are doing.

In a workshop a few years back a person asked how they should intervene. They had a friend in trouble.  Their friend of was a slave with a substantial amount of wealth and it was being recklessly spent and taken by their Mistress. Money. It’s not the mind or body of the slave but it is most certainly a means to self determination. When a Master controls the a slave’s access to money it influences almost everything they can do and say outside of the relationship. Controlling access to money is also a tool of abusers.

I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t discuss controlling your slave’s financial assets or that doing so makes you an abuser.  I am just pointing out when you are entering into those initial discussion of a consensual power exchange that finances are an area worthy of treating as a discussion separate from the body and mind. A second area if you will.

Here is something interesting to consider. A lifetime of financial gain is more easily lost than acquired.  Does your slave care more about turning over their body and mind, or more about a lifetime of financial progress?  Does finacial control build or destroy trust?  What does that mean?  Should an owner provide for the future care of a trusted slave in the event he or she releases his slave, or dies?    What does that mean financially? To what purpose should finances be controlled? Interesting stuff. Discuss it.

3 -Children

When children come into the negotiations, there will quite possibly be a significant other from the past who has a legal right to interfere in the children’s well being. This is not up for debate. The law is involved. This HAS to be an area of discussion.

Many parents treat their children like slaves. We choose who they can see, where they go, what they wear, what they eat, what they learn, what tasks they will do. Childhood is the last vestige of real slavery. During negotiations, a child should NOT be thought of as a possession of the slave and therefore by extension property of the property. Just because a parent who is a slave is transferring all decision making authority to the Master or Mistress, they are still a parent.

Being a parent often means putting your children first. Good stuff to consider when negotiating a M/s relation. ~ X Quote

4 – Religion and God

And that brings us to the fourth area.  In one collaring ceremony I attended, the Master took possession of the slave – body, mind, and soul. I cringed. I do not believe in taking possession of souls, but I do believe myself extremely qualified to lead my slave and I towards enlightenment. But that’s my person belief, and one my property entrusts into my care. I don’t know if the Master in the collaring ceremony gave as much thought as I would give to a phrase like that.

Maybe you are an atheist, or agnostic, Christian, spiritualist, wiccan, or are one with the force. My point is that often our passion and beliefs are tied together in strong ways. Being a Master or Mistress does not mean that you need to be the spiritual leader for your slave, or force being an atheist on them – though you could if consented to. A person’s soul is worthy of discussion. If you desire to direct the soul of another to the truth as you believe, this is the fourth and final area worthy of discussion.


I could go into great detail on each section, but that’s enough to chew on for now.  Man!  I’ve been doing this way too long. I have such strong feelings about the best way to do things, its hard not to feel I have all the answers – which makes it hard to be humble. which comes across as asshole if I am not careful.  Trying here.. Carpe Diem my friends.. Go be someones great day.

Related

Sex and Oral Service

It seems sex has been on my mind quite a bit lately.  In the season of Christmas, when our hearts should be turned to charity and friendship, I did write a piece regarding the holiday spirit, but in retrospect its humorous because then I followed it up with a piece of hard porn.  Ha!  Inappropriate again!  Seems to be my way.  Freaking charming and disarming and then wildly weird (to most) and off topic, and inappropriate.  Yep, that’s me.

I was curious how the hard porn piece would be received by my readers, and interestingly, the statistics that came back from WordPress indicate that it was barely read.  The title however never indicated that it might be sexual in nature.  I mean, who would think that a title like “Ghost of Christmas past” would be hard porn? If you didn’t read the Ghost one, but are reading this one because of the title, maybe people DO pick what to read entirely by subject line.

Be warned people!  My subject lines almost never help describe the real content. More often, they are lead ins, or off tangent from the meat of the subject.  Bet you just thought – here he goes again… but nope

Yeah, we are four paragraphs in, and if you are wondering, when is he going to get to the good stuff, the sex and oral service stuff, well here we go… I am not false advertising this one, honest!


Izrina didn’t care for the Ghosts piece.. guess she isn’t a porn person.. Odd… shouldn’t I know that?   Bad “M”, bad!   So we had a discussion about “oral service”.  In conversation, she had referred to a blow job as a present.. and I stopped her at once, not happy with that nomenclature.

Time out for one itsy-bitsy cute thing.. When I told her I didn’t like her calling it a present, she did that slave thing.. the deer in the headlights thing..  the one where you can just read the panic in her eyes for doing or thinking something Master doesn’t like.. its just so fucking cute.. I love slaves.. I love the care and concern for Master’s pleasure and the burning desire to never disappoint, and all that.  Really, when this is your life, and its really what you are all about.. moments like that are just too delicious.. I know it was just a brief moment but moments like that are everything to me… and back to oral service...

So anyway, her momentary panic aside, I sat her down to explain what I meant.  My pet…I said, I have lived in slave relations and I have lived in vanilla relations.  You are quite right that a blow job is a present…IF you are in a vanilla relationship.  ( The panic again in her eyes – so cute! ).

You see, there is nothing more wonderful in a vanilla relation when either side performs oral sex for the other, and then lets them drift off into sleep, or ride out the wonderful waves of that orgasm, without any strings attached – no need to return the favor – no need to stop riding that wonderful place that orgasms take us.  So yes, in a vanilla relation, that is a gift.  In a nilla relation, I  have ALWAYS refereed to oral sex that has no expectation of return as a gift.  So in that sense my pet, it is a present.  The dawning of understanding my thoughts became clear in her eyes.

But in a Master-slave relation, that takes on a whole new dynamic. In a vanilla relationship, both parties are seeking for equality.  In a Master-slave relationship, their is an expectation that the Master will USE the slave and at times there will be no equity in simple terms.   We know that our exchanges are in uncommon currency.  Our equity is one that is difficult to understand, sometimes even by our kinky friends.  Panic passed, all was right in our world again, and Master was pleased with his slave.

NOTE: For a deeper dive into my feelings on uncommon currency, read my core values and beliefs or Uncommon currency.


Why do I think this way, you may ask?

In a M/s relation, a blow job is service. It can be ordered.  Its why I refer to it as oral service.  Now if a slave is suddenly overcome with appreciation for the gift of domination and wishes to express that with some oral service…. well that is cock worship.

Words and definitions.  They are meaningless until they have action.  But in a sense they are everything because they set our minds into a framework.  Words are the basis for a mindset.

In a nilla relation, a blow job can be a gift or a present, but I NEVER want to hear those words from my slave.  She may ask for permission to show me worship.  She may be ordered to perform oral service.   But she may never think she is giving me something, because I already own it.  When she gives me worship.. THAT is a gift.. the gift of her trust, love and devotion.  It’s subtle but important.  These are the uncommon currency that she gives to me.  A simple blow job as a gift from a slave??? Bah!!!  The thought leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

The mindset of Master and slave is clear.  I own her.  I own her body, and her mind.  She must set aside a part of her mind as the guardian that will report all things to Master, and especially note that which the Guardian thinks Master will want to know.  The Guardian will report damage to his property.. bruises, cuts and scraps.  A Master needs to know when his property is damaged.  I do not own her mind body and SOUL..  Her soul belongs to a higher power, but thankfully, this slave I own has chosen me to be her spiritual leader.  That was an important negotiation for me.. because BDSM and my spiritual quest are co-mingled.

Life is my spiritual path, but BDSM is how I share it. In this life, I serve by leading those who serve. I see the ying and the yang through out life and in BDSM, I can express it with passion and compassion, two sides of the same, each of us in our sacred role. ~ Xtac Quote

I would encourage you, if you are in a M/s relation, to never allow the scales or your exchange to tip.  A slave should feel grateful for the gift of domination.  They should never, and I mean NEVER, feel like they are giving more than they are getting.  That leads down a very bad and dark road my friends.  It takes some original thinking to realize what you value, and then place your happiness around receiving the things that you value.

This goes for Masters and slaves.  If you as a slave don’t like being used.. here I go.. you are not really a slave.  I am going to upset some people with that comment but I don’t care.  If you don’t like being used, then every time Master uses you, you are going to build up resentment for the inequity in your relation and eventually its is going to drive you apart.  And if a Master can’t use you then he doesn’t really own you.  If he doesn’t own you, then you are a submissive, not a slave.  So I stand by my statement.  A real slave in their heart desires to be property, and to be used for the pleasure of their Master.  Anything less and you are a submissive, not a slave.  Its fine.. submission comes in all levels and each to their own.  Be happy with who and what you are.. but don’t tell my slave, you are a slave, if your Dominant doesn’t own your body and mind.

So, my friends.. I do tend to go on, don’t I?  Here’s to Masters every where, using their slaves for oral service, or perhaps receiving the pleasure of worship.  And here’s to the slaves on their knees, tasting their submission in their Master’s pleasure..quite literally.  And here’s to the nilla’s with their presents and gifts – may they someday awaken to a greater world in which they realize we all live in systems of power, and then find pleasure  in that knowledge.  With their personal boundaries they have built a box from which their hearts can never truly meet.  I wish they could see what I see.  Carpe Diem my friends… go be someone’s great day!

Anger

If you didn’t read my previous post, please do first.  Its here.

Now.  Some might think I  wasn’t strong because I didn’t blow up, that I didn’t show that asshole the Master and Dominant that I am.  Others may think that if you are not angry at injustice, then the injustice may not be real.  In court, if you show no emotion, its a bad thing for the jury.  Trust me, there was plenty violence and aggression hurled my way and it could very easily have turned into ugly uncontrolled rage.. on his part. Not mine.  But why not? you may ask.

If any of that previous blog sounded weak, I am writing this now to correct your terrible understanding of how a person in control really works.

In retrospect, I am extremely pleased with my performance.  There is a thing that happens sometimes, when you are completely reasonable with an  unreasonable person, and it makes them angrier.  Obviously when that happens, they were trying to provoke you.  That didn’t happen though.

I kept my voice stead, I fought back the screaming voice inside of me, I addressed the gentleman as “Sir”, and did my level best to keep the tone civil.  In short, he was out of control, and from a thinking person’s perspective, that is an opportunity for YOU to be more fully in control.  It is as if they have placed themselves blindfolded on a narrow board and with the most gentle of touch you can cause them to sway this way or that.  You MUST have control of yourself first, before you can see and leverage a position like that.

A great Dominant will be like that.  They are annoyingly calm, slow to anger, but you can still tell when you have displeased them, because the intensity and focus goes way up.  When that happens, you just know you are in trouble with them and at that point, if you haven’t gotten control of yourself, that Dominant is going to manipulate you like a marionette.

Anger my friends is a tool.  Sometimes we pull it out of box and we show it to people to get their attention.  But anger should never be worn.  It must be something that is displayed but not allowed to be part of yourself.  Not sure how I can explain this better.  It is like you become an actor, and you use the anger you should be feeling, to create the perfect scene for that moment in your life.

When as a Dominant should you show anger?  Almost never.  It might be misunderstood for a lack of control.  When you cannot control yourself, everyone knows that you are weak.  But there are times when you have not been able to achieve a certain level of focus from someone, and they need to know they have gone so far as to create a situation where you will actually be angry.  For a person that knows you, this can be a very scary moment.  All the more reason to have yourself under control.

Fear and intimidation can be useful tools.  Never turn away a tool.  Every thing has its time and place.  But of all the tools in your Domination toolbox, these are the ones that should be left to rust.

So yes, in retrospect I am very pleased with my performance.  I will tell you that afterward, after I was away from mister angry, I had my own moments of pent up rage.  I wanted to smash walls, and break things with a bat, but I kept it bottled up until it passed.  Oh I felt it alright, but I was better than that, and I am proud of it.  That opportunity for anger is now in the past and the pride I feel at the control I managed over him and myself, won’t allow me to even come close to being angry now.  Don’t think that control is easy.  It is not.  Nor is it easy to hide when you are controlling yourself.  You have to control yourself without looking like you are trying.  Never let them see your cards.  Hope that gave you something worthy to think about.  Carpe Diem my friends!  Go be someone’s great day!

 

Related

When being a Master is no fun

That’s right boys and girls, pull up a chair and let ol’Master X learn-a-tate you.  Some days its just no fun being a Master.

If you are young and full of cum, it seems like having a slave who will serve you dinner on bended knee and then suck your cock while you watch football is something you might have to slap yourself for, just to make sure you are not dreaming.

Yeah, having a slave is great.  You can fuck her in the shower, and over the kitchen counter,  test every bit of furniture in your house, leave a spot here, a spot there,  and maybe if you are feeling naughty, test your friends bathroom together, or maybe some other semi-public place that isn’t yours.  Sure, who can get enough of that great sex, whenever you want it, however you want it?  I love the feeling of something wet around my cock when we are both feeling a bit naughty.   Its exciting.

But here is the thing.  You should not be asking for sex for the first thirty days of having a slave.  I know, you are thinking, but X, have you lost your fucking noodle?  I have this sweet young tidbit here, all firm, wet and waiting, eager to go, and you want me to just hold my dick myself and fap off??? What the fuck X?

Lets look at this three years from now.  Do you plan to be with that same wench, or are you just going to dump her when she bores you?  Come on, be honest.  You know bitches are a pain in the ass, even ones that say they want to be a slave, so do you plan on just fucking it and forgetting it, or are you thinking of actually giving something back?  Truth is, you probably want to just fuck it as long as its easy.  Hell, who wouldn’t want that.

But I am here to tell you that every relation, and I mean every freaking one, even the Master slave ones, are work at some point.  Sorry bucko… there ain’t no Disney land of fairy fucks that slave until you are bored and then go poof and disappear.  You gotta be a prick to get rid of them and guess what?  Everyone eventually knows you are a prick.  You can ride that gravy train just so long and then everyone has your number.  Everyone knows you are Sir Master asshole prick numero uno.

Look, I’m not saying you gotta give up all that fine ass to be a great Master.  I am just saying that you have to put away your teenage thinking on this one and get ready to be real about it.  Being a Master means a lot more than just getting some ass.  An acquaintance of mine has had a slave for over decade and you think every time he walks into the bedroom looking to get some, his slave is eager and ready?  Fuck no.   But he’s in charge and if he wants sex, he’s going to have some.  Even ten years later.  How many husbands get to say that?

He might say, how about if I give you fifteen minutes to get in the mood, or he might say, if you aren’t going to enjoy this, what’s the best orgasm you can give me, and still be in the mood for it?   He’s going for options they can both be happy with.  His slave isn’t the young artisan well of wetness from ten years ago, but still, that is still some good ass, and both are living up to their sacred roles.  If control, given or taken is your kink, sex is always good, when you make a Master slave relation work.


Now slaves.  You are probably wondering:  Yes X!, that’s all fine and dandy but where is my tidbit in all this diatribe?  What sage advice have you for this wet and willing slut?  Well my eager little flogger bunnies, now that we have talked about it from a Dom perspective, let’s just look at it from the other shall we?  Hmm that would be the side that looks up through shy eyelashes, and a coy smile that betray a warm and willing submission, yes?

When you first meet Mr Sir Master, the Dommliest Dom of all creation, all fierce, intimidating and just fucking hot as hell, sure you want to jump him.  Who wouldn’t want Mr bad boy to get a firm hold on you and make you his breathless sex toy?  Its perfectly naturally to want to nurse that weak kneed, wondering what he’ll do with this slave, excitement of being taken and used again, and again and again.  It’s hot, hot, hot, to find the bad boy of your dreams standing over you, rough in some ways, gentle in others, that makes your heart race, and your blood pound.  Its good to get a good pounding.  Its good to discover you are wet and willing at the drop of a hat.  There is nothing wrong with begging to be used, taken, and having it leave you exhausted, dripping, and full; satisfied to the core.

But again, that is the heat of the new Master, the excitement of sex, the smell and the love of it.  Where is he going to be in three years?   What happens when he comes in, and just wants his dinner and to watch football?  Are you going to nag?  Does the dream turn into just another crappy boyfriend?   What assurances do you have that there is more meat on the bone, than just his dick?   Is there any substance to your Master-to-be?  Does he have the other staying power, the one that holds back a temper, and puts up with your shit when your slave side is hiding?  Will he love you right on through a crisis?  Is THAT guy inside the Master you want to fuck?

Those answers can’t be found under a man.  Looking up at him is great, but don’t do it naked.  At least not at first.  The answers you seek are found standing beside him, BEFORE you’ve given consent.  If you are going to be a slave, be one, all in, nothing held back.  Make your body a gift, but don’t do it on day one.  You need time to come to that decision. You know that trust takes time and you know trust is absolutely fucking key to a Master slave relation.  Do the math.  Add it up.  Time+Trust=Answers.  You need time to evaluate this person who says they are a Master.  You need to find out if you and they are compatible.  There are worse things than being alone.

Don’t be the slave with the Velcro collar either.  The slave who is serially monogamous.  The one who had and slept with five Masters this year, but never while wearing someone else’s collar.  Oh yeah, she was like, “totally true” to those Master she served.  She was always faithful to the collar, right up until the time she took a new one.  Don’t think that shit won’t stink after a while.  If that’s the way you roll, people will come to expect it, and the Masters who come looking for you, will probably just be looking for some ass.  If you want more, expect more.


Look.  I’m talking to Masters and slaves now.  Damn, I know its hard to not go straight for the hot fuck.  We all want that.  Hell, I’ve made more than my share of impulsive choices in the past, but its behind me now.  I know better.  I not be young, but I’m still full of cum, and I can control it.  If you want to build something that lasts and keeps on getting better, you gotta step up and demand better… or walk away.  You can do that, if you don’t give in to impulse.  And if your red flags are flying, you can realize that its not the right time and place for you to be with a particular person, and just walk away.. politely of course.

Why the title and blog tonight? My slave ticked me off again. Yesterday in fact.  I wasn’t happy, she wasn’t happy.  But I stayed a Dominant.  I  laid down new expectations and doubled down on things.  She had a very hard time with her evening ritual : Daily gratitude.  When you are having a bad day, finding things to be grateful for is hard.  But she came through.  (Good girl my pet, every day we get a little better).

This evening was nice.  Tomorrow, if my expectation are met, they will be better still.  Or they might be worse.  I expect better though.  At the time it was no fun.  Looking back though, this kind of control and adjustment and new control is EXACTLY what I am about, and in retrospect, it will have been fun.  Every relation has work to be done, and if you are not with a person who can do or will do the work, then move on.

Respect

I wrote to a slave yesterday and as is my way, I asked if I needed to obtain permission from her Master to speak with her, or if she did.  She replied:  “Sir – to talk … requires only respect on my part.”   I have strong convictions about the subject, so let’s talk about that tonight… even though there is a storm brewing that I want to dig into.  I want to collect more information about the recent decision in the US that we have no constitution right to engage in consensual BDSM sex, before commenting.  So on to the topic of respect.

I like to imagine that if royalty, say a Queen, were speaking with a dirty, half clothed, person with low intelligence and poor hygiene, she would be gracious and respectful.  Not because they are on equal stations – they are not.  Not because the person deserved respect, the Queen could hardly know this.  The Queen would should show respect because this is what civilized people do.  Showing respect is not a measure of the person it is shown to, it is a measure of yourself, of the culture and refinement that YOU possess.

I have often heard of Dominants demanding respect from slaves after identifying themselves as a Dominant.  I don’t have a problem with that.  I don’t have a problem with a slave demanding respect either.  We all walk in as equals.  To place ourselves above or below another is something we consent to.  But respect has nothing to do with power or consent.

I need to go back to the Dominants who make demands.  If a Dominant demands submission, or trust, or recognition of authority, that is an entirely different matter.   I think sometimes people say: This person demanded that I respect them, when what they meant was, this person demanded that I recognize their title and authority.  Those are two entirely different matters.  If  you have read or heard me much, you can anticipate the quote that is coming next:

The only titles of value are those acquired thru recognition by others. One claims that title by exercising that recognition, not asserting it. ~Xtac Quote

I do not believe in asserting that you are a Master.  If you own property, you are THEIR Master. If people choose to call you a Master, then you have achieved a new level of respect.  Which means that there is respect that we give because of who we are, and respect we give because someone has demonstrated to us their worthiness to be respected.  It think the distinction is important.  When we respect another, it is good to consciously consider which one we are giving.

There was a person who came into the local community some time ago, and though they were new, they declared themselves to be a Master in the dungeon I frequented at the time.   There was a stairwell, not far from the play space, and asked him aside for a private conversation. I explained what I thought… direct as always..

I suggested that perhaps later might be a better time to project himself as a Master.  But this person was insistent that they were worthy, and would prove themselves.

The person of whom I speak, ran afoul of the local community later, not for the Master thing but consent violation charges.  This kind of thing tends to pull a community apart.   I relate this because I believe that to be worthy of a title like Master, you must also have a certain degree of humility, a willingness to earn recognition.  I will always assert this concept.

Respect should be something we give, until it is lost.   But we can also have new found respect, a deeper and more genuine respect that is earned.  Don’t say respect, when you mean authority, it confuses things.  Authority is consented to.  Anyone attempting to assert authority based on their perceived title should lose your respect.

Honesty is the building blocks of a BDSM relation.  Since it is what people do that reveals their honesty, it takes time to build trust.  Trust is earned through the demonstration of honesty.   These are the basic values we should understand and apply.  On a side note, because I know these things, it is why I promote the concept of three collars, and a collaring ceremony.  This process allows time for trust to be built, and stages at which a person can choose to move to a deeper commitment, or back out.

Respect is not always desirable.  For a person who seeks humiliation and objectification, respect would be poisonous.   For such a person, once you learn of their need and have acquired consent, you would want to drop any hint of respect.

What role does respect play in BDSM?  Since respect given is a reflection of the grace, culture, and sophistication of the person who gives it, I would say that when you observe it in a prospective partner, mentor, or friend, it is a good sign.  A sign that says, investigate this person more thoroughly.