Why THREE collars are important

Buckle up boys and girls, X is going all un-apologetically old-school on your ass… yes.. I know I should be consensual about it and many a Dominant type is going to be all like.. you keep your hands off my ass, but I just cant’s help it!  I feel very strongly about this one.

The question on the table is: What the fuck is this THREE collars crap?  Glad you asked.  I give workshops on collars and I am not going to go into great detail about all the nuances of collars.   I am just going to go into the subject of the three classic collars. They are: consideration, training, and final.  Maybe some day when I’m bored, I’ll post something about how you might want to consider a romantic collaring, or spiritual, or private or classic.  Or maybe you might want to be sold.. with a collaring ceremony run as a property transaction, complete with papers of ownership, a slave registry, a registration tattoo, and an inspection before purchase.  Someday.. maybe..

Now if you are not familiar with the three classic collars, no need to fret.  And for the love of God, let’s not start the discussion about Leathermen and  the roots of this.  If you don’t want to accept the three collars as “classic” I am OK with that.  I don’t want to have a discussion about it.  Traditions or not, the three classic collars serve an extremely valuable purpose and if we can’t agree on anything else, let’s at least review what the purpose is.. then tell me if you don’t agree on the value.

Holy crap batman, I’ve seen this before.. it’s slave frenzy!  When a newbie hits the streets for the first time.. . a thing called  “slave frenzy” sets in.   It’s all new to you, and it’s freaking hot and sexy.  Maybe you hit a dungeon and some dude is like.. oooh new flesh.. and they do a suspension scene.. completely consensual, and the ropes slide over skin, and the harness tightens.. and your feet slip out from under you, and the suspension scene kicks in.. and you are fucking flying.. not just literally but in subspace too.  And you want more.. its a fucking carnival and you want to try every ride.  And you gotta, gotta, gotta have a Dominant and oh my lord I just gotta do this 24×7.  Whooooaaaaa Nellie!  Pull those reins back.. you’re a runaway slave in full slave frenzy mode!  Yep!  It happens.  It’s the time when the disreputable types move in for an easy piece of ass.

The slave with the sad eyes, sits in the corner... Even the most seasoned slaves can feel used after they have been through the mill of bad relations a few times.  They offered their trust and submission to someone that was..incompatible.  Maybe the top wasn’t honest, or maybe you weren’t honest with yourself..or you just wanted to be owned so fucking much.. that you overlooked some shit.. you could bear it.. whatever.. it didn’t work.  Now the scene is all shit and you have this big hole where your heart and juicy sex used to be and you want it back.. but trust is so hard to give again.

The last thing I want to do is blow sunshine up your skirt.. or kilt… I have better things to do up there!   Hmmm.. I mean, I don’t want to give you false hope.  I don’t have all the answers, but the classic collars serve a purpose and the a fore mentioned problems are just part of what they solve.   So let’s get to it, shall we?


Collar of consideration.  The consideration collar is a bit like wearing a class ring on a necklace, this means you are going “steady”..  Hey.. I’m nearly 60.. I don’t know. do kids still go “steady”?  Maybe there is a better analogy, but when a slave and an owner come to an agreement, when they both think they might have something in common, the first thing they both want to do is let others know that there is a relationship.

Now it seems to me that nearly everyone is willing to hit on someone that is smoking hot, even if they are married, or an owned slave.  There are a lot of unscrupulous people out there. So marking your territory with a collar is of very limited value.  Only the people who understand respect are going to care that you marked your territory and those types wouldn’t be a problem in the first place.. So let’s just gloss over that as a value.. it’s not anymore.

What DOES have value is that before a Master offers a collar of consideration, before a slave accepts his or her collar, there is an opportunity for discussion. It’s a time for negotiation, to find out what’s going on inside the Dominants head. What does he or she see in this slave?  What kind of training would they offer?  How deep is this submission thing going to go?

It should also be understood that consideration means just that.  There is not commitment..on either side… Its a contract that no one should feel bad about breaking.  You are in a simple phase that might last from three to twelve months, depending on how each of you think its going.  This slows down the frenzy.. it gives time for you to both think rationally, and to realize if you are walking into a mistake.  There is time to reverse course, back out, realize that what seemed perfect at first glance, won’t be.

Training Collar.  The next collar is the training collar.  This is like an engagement ring and I am fairly sure those are still in use.  Here is the beautiful thing about a a training collar.  By the time three to twelve months have gone by, you will have had plenty of time to figure out if you both like anal or not.  If you like a leather massage or a caning.  Does the Master you are entering into a relationship push harder than you can enjoy?  Are you floating or just holding on and waiting for it to end?   You HAVE to be honest.  This isn’t about admitting you ate the last of his cherished Oreo cookies.  You are figuring out if this thing is going to work.  It’s really, really important, and the training collar says.. you got this.. you know in your heart that negotiations are over.. you are ready for this Bad boy of Dominance.. or girl.. to take you!

With a collar of consideration, you didn’t need to ask if your three responsibilities* would be respected.  You didn’t need to know if you were giving up the first of your three areas of choice*.  You didn’t need to figure out which of the four areas of TPE negotiations* would apply to this submission.  Now you have to have that shit figured out!

The training collar means negotiations are in their final stages.  Oh, you may be tweaking them here and there, but for the most part, now you know exactly where this thing is heading.  Are you starting to see the value now?   The three classic collars is a build up, these provide times to stop and pause, to reflect, and to rejoice at a new level of achievement in your relation.  Speaking of rejoicing..

The FINAL collar – We pray.. Masters and slaves alike, that the final collar IS the final collar we will ever put on.  Most come with a padlock.  They stay on.. for life.  They come with a collaring ceremony, surrounded by friends and acquaintances from all over the community.  It’s a time, not unlike a wedding, when you take the BIG plunge.  This is the one that you won’t back out of.  The consideration was nothing.. easy to break.  The training could fail, for no ones fault.  You could discover you are incompatible and split.  But the final collar, oooo baby, that’s the one.  That means yes!  The Master is saying, this is the canvas I want.  I look forward to a life of swimming deeper and deeper into his or her psyche.  I have tasted submission and it is good.  I will have it, claim it, stand above it, and carry it in times of need.  All that is left is to decide what KIND of ceremony fits you.


 

So many question unanswered.  This is just a primer… a peek at the world of collars.  It is why I give workshops on it.  This is important stuff.  But mostly, I encourage people to consider following the three classic collars.

One question would be.. what kind of collar should I get?  What should it be made of?  Does it have to be around the neck?  Can I take it off?   Who owns the collar?  Can I hide it?  What if I want it off?  So many question, but no answers now.. Its too much info for one blog.  My workshops usually run about two hours.   I blog more on this another time – perhaps.

All I want you to do is think about the concept of three collars. It’s an idea that has merit. The value of taking time to reflect on where you are going, and pausing to have a discussion each time you make a bigger commitment, is something I will always support.. even if it is a bit old-school and not popular.  It makes sense to me.. and I plan to continue to promote it as long as people invite me to speak.
Well that was a long one.. as usual.  I really do love to hear myself speak, don’t you think? Ah.. its not all bad.  I have a good idea once in a while.  Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day.

 

Related   (* was mentioned above)

 

 

 

May the force be with you

I have often heard folks in the BDSM community offer a simple explanation for the difference between a sub and a slave: A slave makes one choice, who they will serve.   Well!  When you put it that way it seems pretty simple.

The problem is, when two people enter into an intense relationship, things are NEVER that simple.  If you knew my slave you’d understand!  Don’t get me wrong, I own my properties body and mind.  Her talent, intelligence, and time is a tool of my will.  But there is much more to a person than a body and mind.

In a workshop a few years back a person asked how they should intervene.  How they could help a friend in trouble.  A friend of theirs was a slave with a substantial amount of wealth and it was being recklessly spent and taken by their Mistress.  Money.  It’s not the mind or body of the slave but it is most certainly a means to self determination.  When a  Master controls the a slave’s access to money it influences almost everything they can do and say outside of the relationship.  Controlling access to money is a tool of abusers.

I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t discuss controlling your slave’s financial assets or that doing so makes you an abuser, I am just pointing out when you are entering into those initial discussion of a consensual power exchange that finances are an area worthy of treating as a discussion separate from the body and mind.  A second area if you will. Here is something interesting to consider.  Does your slave care more about turning over their body and mind, or a lifetime of financial progress?  What does that mean?  Shouldn’t your life be more important?  But then, if you give up a lifetime of financial gain, does that devalue the life?  Interesting stuff.  Discuss it.

I actually count four areas of discussion when entering into a CNC  (consensual non-consent) or TPE ( total power exchange).  The first was body and mind which is a simple, given understanding of total slavery.   The second was finances, the third is children.  When children come into the negotiations, and possibly a ex-significant-other who has a legal right to some of the children’s well being,  then this is an area of discussion too.  Not that a child is a possession of the slave and therefore by extension property of the property, but because a parent who is a slave is transferring all decision making authority to the Master or Mistress and this is therefore an area worthy of discussion.

And that brings us to the fourth area.  Maybe you are an atheist, or agnostic, Christian, spiritualist, wiccan, or are one with the force.  My point is that often our passion and beliefs are tied together in strong ways.  Being a Master or Mistress does not mean that you need to be the spiritual leader for your slave, or force being an atheist on them – though you could if consented to.  A persons soul is worthy of discussion.   If you desire to direct the soul of another to the truth as you believe, this is the fourth and final area worthy of discussion.

In one collaring ceremony I attended, the Master took possession of the slave – body, mind, and soul.  I cringed.  I do not believe in taking possession of souls, but I do believe myself extremely qualified to lead my slave and I towards enlightenment.  But that’s my person belief, and one my property entrusts into my care.  I don’t know if the Master in the collaring ceremony gave as much thought as I would give to a phrase like that.

So there you have it boys and girls.  Another shiny new blog in the can.  Hope you like it in the can!  Hmmm  porn humor!  Let’s end on a better note than that.  Here’s a little X quote to chew on.

I can not create a minute, even the minutes of my life belong to a higher force. The only thing I truly own, are my choices. ~Xtac quote