Munch and fur flying

I know that I promised to follow my list of quotes by others with some of my own, but I strongly suspect you are reading this for the BDSM content and not to hear me pontificate.  Since tonight’s munch was interesting, I’m going there.  I’ll get to my quotes tomorrow.. promise.


Munch, munch, munch…  Someone once told me that a munch was a meeting over lunch.. Not sure the origins of this term but its been in use quite a while.  It’s been bitter cold so I packed Izrina in furs and off we went to a local munch.   I like them.  Its an opportunity for me to be my gentleman sadist, and get her coat and doors.  If you want more on that, use the “search for words” tool on the right side of this blog and search for the word, “gentleman”.  In fact, if you haven’t used that tool before, I encourage you to experiment.  I use it all the time to find blogs I know I’ve written.

Rolling into the scene…We, and by that I mean I, picked an open spot at a table with a gentleman who was at the house party this past weekend.  Across from me was an older couple I had not spent a lot of time with.  Then a newbie couple came in and joined us, sitting right across from us.

The gentleman of the older couple had a strong interest in rope, and his Fetname implies this is what he is all about rope.  He and his bottom have been together for thirteen years.  The new couple, were as you might expect, a bit nervous about this whole munch thing, having never been to anything community related before.  I was anxious to disarm them, make them feel welcomed, and answer questions.

As you can well imagine, I love when I have an opportunity to speak with newbies.  It gives me a chance to pontificate, which of course I did at some length.. speaking to them about finding a way to communicate your self identity, about Ds, BD, SM.  They had never heard of subspace which lead to after care and a number of other subjects.


And then the fur started flying! – Every time I opened my mouth though, the bottom in the older couple interjected with comments about how “everyone is different” and “advise from one person doesn’t fit everyone”.  And then I would point out, yes, but I hate that kind of talk, because some things are intrinsically true.  Plus we need people to share all of the tools in their toolbox so we can find the ones that work for us.  We share so that everyone has a full toolbox.

I would then move on to another subject, to be interrupted again.  Back and forth it went. I began to wonder why the top was so quiet.  I began to wonder if the bottom wasn’t really running that show.  I didn’t however offer that thought, because they didn’t offer information about their dynamic and I believe that everyone deserves respect until they lose it.

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

Anyway, I got across my major points, a flurry of ideas to absorb and then pointed out people at the munch they wanted to speak with, to get vetted for the next rope workshop.  They left to go start that process and I had a chance to speak further with the older couple. THEN, the top started speaking, taking soft jabs at my Domination of the conversation.

Seems the bottom’s father was a diplomat, and she grew up with protocol.  It was a very big part of her growing up.. and she didn’t want to ever go back to that.  He hit me with the fact that while they liked the local dungeon, but he didn’t like the fact that many of the people  there were hard core into protocol.  He and his “slave” felt pressured to adopt protocols in their relation.

Suddenly all the puzzle pieces fit into place.  This was a couple who were really into rope, and mildly into Ds.  In their minds that didn’t diminish them as a Dominant or submissive. He felt like others didn’t treat him like a “real dominant” because of their loose format.   From my perspective, with him being quiet the whole time and she being so vocal, I would by my definitions, never consider them to be Master and slave.  I might consider what I observed Dominant and submissive, but only very mildly.  I can see why others might point this out to them.  But I also wouldn’t insult their feelings about their relation by insisting on driving that point.

If I were to do a deeper dive into this, I would guess that he has had to compromise on protocols because it is important to her.  He wants to be a Master, but her hard limits and vocal nature gives him only two choices.. cut her loose or accept the dynamic.  After thirteen years, he’s not going to cut her loose.  They appear to be happy with who they are, and already feel defensive about it, so no point in fur flying over that.  There is only one problem with me keeping quiet as I did.

The problem with silence – This is a couple who will be active in the community. They will rail against the “one true way” and “definitions of identities”. They will put forth that soft mushy idea that you can’t define these things.  They will dilute MY reality, by insisting on theirs.

If a word has no meaning until the person using it personally defines it, then why even have that word in the first place?  What is the value of a word that has no value?  None.  Words such as slave, consensual slave, and submissive need definitions ~Xtac Quote

They will continue to object to any solid advice under the banner of fighting the oppression of the “one true way”.  They will constantly muddy the water of definitions and mentoring because of they don’t want to feel diminished.  I don’t understand why a submissive or Dominant has to feel diminished when I say they are not a slave and Master.  They are choosing to not seek a TPE.  They chose to be Dominant and submissive. Why can’t they be happy with that?  Why diminish MY relation by redefining it? There IS a difference between TPE and submission.  We call that difference slave or submissive. Yes there are different kinds of Master/slave relations but what they share is the common goal to approximate being an un-consensual slave.  From history we know what a real slave is.  Today’s modern consensual slave is borrowing on that term.  Ah well.. this argument is ancient.  I like the older couple, but I don’t like what they think, and I can accept both of these things.

There will always be Dominants and submissives who don’t want to be told they are not Masters and slaves, and there will always be Masters and slaves who are offended by Dominants and submissives dilute the hardcore life we lead by insisting on watering down the conditions required to claim that title.  Might as well ask why left wing and right wing politics don’t get along…

We get into our heads the way a thing needs to be, and then set out to make everyone else agree to our reality, so that we don’t have to change.  No cure for it really.  I could propose that everyone just relax, and realize that the problem is you.  By that I mean that you need to stop trying to impose your reality on mine.. but… and here is the funny part.. I have to impose MY reality about that on YOU to get YOU to stop imposing your reality on ME.  It’s kind of funny when you step back and look at it.

The cure for radical points of view is almost always for you to do the very thing thing you are trying to stop.  The only way to get a religious radical to stop trying to convert you, is to convert them.   The only way to stop a killer, is to kill them.  Why do we kill a killer?  Do we kill a killer to show that killing is wrong?  No.. we do it to stop them, so we can live the way we want. Its weird when you really look at it.  To stop a thing you don’t like, you often have to DO the thing you don’t like.

Argue to the intelligence of your point not to people. If you find yourself in a cage with monkeys, what would the point be to trying to convince them to stop throwing shit? ~ Xtac Quote


I think I am just going to move into a cave with my slave and let the whole world eat itself!


Another interesting thing came of this evening.  There was a Master who was ostracized from the local community for consent violation.  I asked often for details about that.  For the most part, I got vague generalities, mostly about gas-lighting, and one solid example.  The older gentleman gave me some much better examples of why descriptions of his abuses seemed vague.  He describe how this Master was a person who carved out special privileges, treating others as needing his guidance, using his position of respect to interfere, belittling people if they didn’t accept him get involved, and stepping into their scenes and control under his own assumption that as a brilliant and accomplished Master he was just mentoring, not meddling.  That IS consent violation.  You have to be invited, before you can mentor a person or meddle in a scene.  That was good information.

Listening helps!  Let me wrap this up with something that proves you need to listen to others, even if you don’t agree.  The bottom, who kept interrupting, and wasn’t stopped by her top.. she had a new and rather brilliant comment tonight.  She said in essence that in every Ds relation that you have to take into account three things.  She then listed the needs of the Dominant,  the submissive, and the relation; pointing out that all three had needs that should be taken into account.  It was in response to me quoting some “Kinky Vile” comments about Masters and slaves needing to be compatible in their needs.

This three participants idea is brilliant.  I’ve reformulated that conversation into a new quote:  In every Ds relation there are three participants.. the Dominant, the submissive, and the relation.  All three have needs.  Brilliant!  That is very quote worthy!.  And that takes me back to quotes in general.  The truth is that no idea is new.  Every quote I have thought up has been thought of before, by someone, somewhere, at some time.  We just rediscover these things over and over. People like myself who take credit for brilliance are only able to do so because we are students of life, and we listen, then put this stuff back into bite size pieces of critical information for consumption.

Constants!  There really isn’t anything new under the sun. or the moon either. I often point to Romeo and Juliet as proof that no matter how we change, basic human interaction remains a constant.  We recognize the motivations of these fictional lovers from hundreds of years ago, and thousands of year from now, these motivations and reactions will still be recognizable.  Just one more reason to stop the assault of the one true way.  I am not suggesting there IS one true way.  What I am saying is that to move forward, we have to stop being fuzzy on definitions, and start to accept that there ARE good solid training techniques, ARE practices proven by  time to be effective, ARE useful behavior modification methods, and sharing these are important to who and what we are.

Anyway..  it was a good evening.  I got in some time to pontificate. I got to share some ideas with you. and I even got to see my slave turn red faced when I put her on the spot at the munch..always a pleasure in public.  Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day.

Evil Doms

This is titled “Evil Doms” but it might also be titled “Snow storms and slaves, part 2”.  Part one is here.    There are a few ex-lover types out there, and you may recognize them..

One type makes you feel wonderful about yourself.  They are complimentary, and love everything about you.. they make you feel attractive and in return, because you feel so wonderful when you are around them,  you can not help but love them.  But they are calculating like an evil Dom or Domme.  They know how to make you feel wonderful about yourself, and they do it for as long as you are useful, and desired.  But because they are also uncaring in their calculations.  When something better makes itself available, you will dropped like last week stinky garbage.  The new object of desire gets their attention and too late you realize it was all empty flattery – but it was so sweet – you would go back if you could.

And another type is the fuck buddy.  Now there is nothing wrong with a fuck buddy if that is what you want.  But again, it is the rare person who holds a poly together well without attaching strings to the deal.  When a calculating person convinces you that you want sex, and they want sex, and there is no harm in a pleasant exchange, that can go well.  But if your life changes, and you try to pull out of the arrangement, the evil side can rear its ugly head and the calculating side begins to pull strings to sabotage whatever stands in the way… or worse… they turn up the heat on a person who has a hard time saying no to the point of forcing themselves on you.  They may not even accept consent as a requirement for sex.

Many of us have these types in our past.  I take care to shield Izrina from some of these types, but I can’t do it on nights like this.  Yeah, my fears came to past.  A couple of guys dropped in on the girls for some storm night drinking at the ranch.

A while ago, I bought Izrina a flashlight.  It’s completely functional,  but with a twist.  It also doubles as a stun gun.  Jam the end of it into an attacker, pull the correct trigger, and the threat is neutralized.  She didn’t have it with her tonight.  I wish she did.  Bugs me that my gut had this one pegged right, and I didn’t listen to it.

Nothing happened.  Izrina has been trained to report anything I might be interested in, setting aside a portion of her brain as a guardian working on behalf of Master.  I got the info I needed for tonight.  I’ll get the full details tomorrow night.  Dammit.  I feel torn between the feeling I let her down, and the feeling that she is big girl and needs to sometimes take care of herself if someone gets pushy.

I am not being rational right now.  I would wager every one of us has had at least one person in our past that betrayed a trust.  After that happens,  you never quite look at the trust you place in a partner, quite the same.   You can be honest, and direct, and it still doesn’t matter because it seems that everyone is vulnerable at some point in their life.  Everyone at some point makes a choice they wish they had not.  So you question if the person you are with, will have that weak moment with you.. and you base this thought on a past you wish you could let go of, but can’t.

The fact is, there are Dom like people out there that are evil.  Maybe even sociopaths.  They know the buttons to push, and are not afraid to push them to get what they want.  They may not call themselves Doms, but sometimes they do.

Let me be clear about the title.  Not all Doms are actually what we would want a Dom to be, and not all nillas are free of Dom aspects.  Some nilla people are total Doms, they just don’t know anyone in the life style, and never had anyone point out the being  Dom is OK as long as you remove some behaviors.  I know a few people who know nothing of BDSM, and yet these people are very Dominant with their partners. One is a close friend.  He doesn’t want to think of himself as “kinky” and doesn’t want to talk about it. Problem is, being a Dom without understanding it, may make you a border line abuser.  You both have to talk, and negotiate, and understand what you both get out of it, and most importantly, agree to consent.  Then there are people from the past that I won’t go into.

The key difference about a real Dom is that a real Dom is looking for an equitable exchange.. one that both of you find pleasurable.. and they are honest and trustworthy.   The same can be said for slaves.  Nothing is more important than trust.  Its the foundation of your relation.   Shatter that one too many times, and a person becomes damaged goods.. no matter how rational, intelligent, and caring a person may be.  One side of you will always want to treat a new partner as a clean slate, and another side of you will always see the human weakness that has soiled your past – and constantly worry for the future.  Trust shattered is bad.

The world could use a lot fewer people plying the tools of a Dominant, for their own selfish desires.

Snow storms and slaves

Snow storms are relative.   In some Southern states, 3 inchs of snow brings a city to a halt; as well it should when you don’t have snow removal equipment.  I assume in some Canadian towns, no one even bats an eye until the snow is half way up the tires.  Here, it depends on who you are.  Me.. I go out in all kinds of weather.  Other folks, no so much.

We were hearing that there was a fair size storm coming.. six inches or more – that’s fifteen centimeters if you prefer..  So I won’t see my slave tonight.  I’m kinda grumpy about that.

Her work put her up for then night.  Seems like a generous thing to do.  Here is the catch, if you don’t take them up on the offer..then you are not allowed any excuse what so ever for not showing up the next day.  It kind of a “Godfather offer”… You know.. the kind you can’t refuse.  They have extra rooms, it doesn’t cost them anything, and you can save gas, plus stay safe.. Unless of course you have a cranky Master at home.

Of course I want my slave safe, and staying with the girls at the ranch overnight in a storm can be kind of a fun adventure… but I love my control too much to be really happy about this.  There are male ranchers too of course, and I am not fond of the idea of her mixing alcohol with testosterone, especially when I am not around.  Showing a little lack of trust here I admit.  In my defense, there are many variables at work here, which of course brings me back to a lack of control over this situation.

Of course if I was really worried, I’d drive the two hours round trip tonight to get her, and the two hours round trip to take her back before the sun came up, but I’m just not that crazy.  So I have to put up or shut up.  I don’t like any of these choices.  Freaking snow storms..  bet we only get three inches..that’s 7cm to the rest of the world.   When the hell is the US going to crack that nut and finally go metric anyway?   Why am I working myself up over the metric system?   Bah… I’m just in a cranky mood.   See how fast my perfect little world comes unraveled?    Bored, and cranky.   Ah well.. the snow is pretty..   Maybe I’ll go for a walk in it…   before I have to shovel it..