Cup is half full

You cannot live on this earth for very long and not hear someone pose the question:  Is the cup half full or half empty?

It annoys me, this smug little bit of supposed philosophical inquiry.  Let me share with you what Master X does with those who choose to toy with me this way.  My response to this question is a question of my own:  Am I drinking from this cup or pouring into it?

You see, the cup is nothing until we interact with it.  Life is a series of interactions, people brought together by seemingly random events.  But nothing is random.  The red light you run puts you 60 seconds ahead on your schedule and places you one mile up the highway, where you might miss or be part of an multi-car accident.  Each decision takes us to the next, a series of domino, falling to the stored potential of gravity, triggered by the momentum of the last fall.

If I am drinking from the cup it is half empty.  I created this condition.  If I am pouring into it my cup is half full.  It is in that moment a statement of my interaction with it.

I don’t believe in empty cups.  There is no such thing.  My cup is always full, be it full of air or full of liquid, my cup runneth over.  I am ever thankful that I can be a vessel for all the love I can bear.  I am a conduit through which all possibilities can flow, I am tied to the infinite, as we all are.  It is just that some of us don’t see it as clearly as others.

In BDSM, I express my need to share this discovery, to know that in a very real way I have made at least one life better, I have passed on the secrets that have been revealed to me.  It pains me that more are not happy, more are not free from their self imposed chains.  We want so much.. a significant other, money, job, a home, children.. we want and we want.

We seek to fill our cups, but the cup was already full.  We displace that which was already there with the things we put into our cups.  Life is a mystery and it is not.  It is as simple as just living it, and it is not that simple.

When pursuing the mysteries of life; seeking higher truths, remember that every real truth is a paradox. This is why, the smarter we get, the less we know. ~Xtac Quote

There are no empty cups.  Cups are neither half full nor half empty.  Cups are an expression of our interaction with the world around us.  The trick to life is to learn to drink deeply from a cup full of air.  Master that my friends, and you have the world by the balls.

Carpe Diem.. Drink deeply..

The lover and the beloved

A young gentleman who reads this blog, wrote to me privately.  There is a young lady he would like to develop a closer, more personal relationship with.  There was a gentleman who had similar feelings and designs on a young lady who is a friend of my daughter’s. In my youth, I found myself in this situation numerous times.  Oddly, this problem no longer reaches me.

On a number of occasions throughout my life, I took a fancy to wild, care-free, beautiful women that I wanted for myself.  It seemed to me that the deep desire and passion that I had for these women was in itself something that should be, if not returned, at the very least valued.  When you hold unrequited love close to your heart, you wonder why the object of your affect does not appreciate all the love you could pour out upon them, if they only invited your love into their life.  You wonder:  Doesn’t all this love I have for them have value?   Sadly, the answer is no.

Loving someone who does not love you back is the sound of one hand clapping.  Unrequited love is extremely painful and it leads to jealousy.  It is the ultimate rose,  blossoming among thorns.  A beauty that tears at your heart, begging for understanding.  What would my older self say to my younger self, to help me understand?   The dawning of understanding came when I first read this passage from “The ballad of the Sad Cafe”:.

“First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world — a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring — this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else — but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

I came to realize that there is in every great love, two parties: The lover and the beloved.  The lover seeks his or her happiness from the beloved.  The beloved is an object, something that brings forth happiness, simply from its possession.   The lover kisses and the beloved enjoys the kiss, but does the beloved feel love in return?  Often not.  Often the beloved realizes they are just the object that the lover obsesses over, and as such they feel a stripping away of themselves, they feel used and drained, as if the lover was a vampire sucking away at their happiness.

How then do we solve this problem?  How do we love without pulling at the one we love?  The answers are both simple and yet complex.  They can be summed up in simple quotes and yet if these quotes do not fill your heart with understanding then these quotes become mere words, useless and meaningless.

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

Just remember that what you seek you will not find, but in the path of your happiness, when you are loving life the most, what you were seeking will find you. ~ Xtac Quote

These two quotes speak to me of the need to be who and what we are at all times, defining our worth by what we bring to a relationship, and not define our worth by the relationship itself. They tell me that we must take personal responsibility for our happiness.   That we must bring all the happiness we create in to a relationship, adding to and multiply the joy of another.  We must never simply take our happiness from a relationship.  We must be both lover and beloved.  You must add as much as you take, and your love is not what you add. What you add are moments of happiness that is long remembered later, laughter and life that is shared.

Have you ever noticed that when you are single, you can’t find someone to be with, but when you are with someone then suddenly you are surrounded by people who it would be nice to be with?  This happens exactly because what you seek you will not find, but in your content moments, what you were seeking finds you.

I often say that the person who is the life of the party, the one who is laughing and joking and doesn’t care if anyone likes them or not, is the one surrounded by people who want to be with them.  This person, who did not care if they had a friend in the world, has all the friends anyone could want.  The one who sits in the corner, envious of all that attention will have no friends.  No one wants to be with the brooding, needy  person in the corner.  The “life of the party” got this way because they let go, they did not cling to a desire, they made their happiness, they projected that strength, and in doing so drew others to them.

In love, I am like a mirror. This is not a simple metaphor. It has taken me years to understand how to be a good lover. A mirror lives for interaction. When engaged, it is present, totally in the moment, and when left, does not pine or cling for the next interaction. No, a mirror is, completely content to just be, and like a mirror, when a lover comes to me, I am truth reflected, need reflected. I am all that you bring: desire, passion, compassion. I am there for, and completely with you; focused on and in that moment. There is much more, but put simply, to be a good lover, I must be a mirror. ~Xtac Quote

The mirror metaphor is the absolute best guide I have come up with on how to be a good lover.  It shapes my interactions with more than a lover.  You need to be fully engaged with everyone around you, not in a speaking role but in a listening.  Like a mirror, you reflect that which is brought to you.   You need to make a full life, interacting with what ever life brings you, and you must make wonderful moments of what ever life brings you.  It is in this path of not clinging, but being fully there in the moment of each interaction, of making your joy and bringing it to each encounter, that you become the strong and desirable “life of the party”,  the one others gravitate to because you have something special to offer.

Like the delicate grip of a fencer, who must balance their swords without holding too tightly, if you would be a person who attracts what you desire most, you must let go before it can come to you.

Does that mean you will attract the one you have passion for?  Maybe not.  But if you are living a rich and full life, surrounded by happiness you have created, what does it matter if the plans you laid do not come to pass?  Don’t look further than inside you for happiness.

The universe is an amazing thing and often brings unexpected joys from unforeseen places.  Make your happiness, let go of what you think you must have, and embrace what you do have.. oddly you will find that by doing this, you will have more than you ever could have hoped for.

Attracting what you seek is not created by desire, neediness or plans.  What you desire comes to you by projecting quiet strength, confidence in yourself, humility, and appreciation for the little moments of life.  All of this is already inside you.  Remember that you are free to choose but not free to choose the outcome of your choosing. Let go of the outcome.  Love the little moments what ever they may bring.  In the pursuit of loving life, your happiness and much more will find you.

Carpe Diem my friends,  Go make a great day, by being someone’s great day.

Discipline vs Punishment

November 27th, in brutal cold that froze guns and men alike,  120,000 Chinese troops began an offensive to kill 30,000 men that were part of the United Nations troops in the Chosin reservoir area.  The year was 1950.  The country was Korea.

American solders who had fought in World war II had seen their fair share of brutal conditions.  Now they faced a seemingly hopeless battle as the Chinese sought to encircle and kill them to the last man.

If the Chinese didn’t kill these men than the cold surely would.  The cold turned gun grease to jell, receivers jammed, guns didn’t fire, batteries failed, vehicles stopped working, artillery froze, in short, the men would fight the elements and their equipment as much as they would fight the enemy.  In the battles that followed there were many acts of bravery but somehow against overwhelming odds these men would inflict crippling losses on the Chinese while retreating under heavy fire. A lesson here is that retreat and a temporary loss can be part of a larger strategy that turns the final outcome.

What makes some men run into danger when others would run away?  Why would a man stand up in the middle of a hail of bullets so that mortar rounds can get a proper bead on the enemy?  What makes a man run through a killing field to his wounded comrades and bring them to safety?

Military training certainly is part of this.  It transforms teenagers into soldiers.  Certainly there is the sense in trust between men that fight side by side.  But that training also instills in them something they may not have had before: discipline.

When you think of the word Discipline, don’t think of punishment.  Think of the athlete who does one more lap around the track even though their  body is begging to stop.  Think of smoker who fights every day the urge to smoke and yet does not.  Think of the soldiers who faced fear and death but still moved forward.  Discipline is what makes us get the job done, its what makes us get up the next day, it makes us complete the task we would rather not, and keeps us from procrastinating.

When you think of BDSM and you think of Discipline, don’t think of paddles or spanking.  Think of the boring things that are expected to be completed, the things you might not have done if were not for discipline. Discipline is what keeps excuses at bay, it ensures that every inspection goes smoothly, it means that there will be no lapse in the protocol, rules, or structure of the house.  It means the rule of your law is a constant, never wavering absolute that can be depended upon.

You know what punishment is. Punishment might be used to create discipline, but don’t think of the two as one. True, they are related, but they are very different things.

You may be punished for a lack of discipline. But if you HAVE discipline, you won’t need to be punished. What is confusing is that sometimes punishment for a lack of discipline is referred to as “being disciplined”.  If you are being “disciplined” it doesn’t mean you are punished, it means that this quality that keeps you on track is being instilled in you.  Punishment is just one way of creating disciplined people.

To keep it easy to remember, just remember the discipline of an athlete, or the discipline of a soldier.  The internal fortitude they show is discipline.  You WANT to acquire discipline.  Something to keep in mind is that we who would be Masters must discipline ourselves before we can hope to teach discipline to another. If you would be a good Master, try to eliminate procrastination, and build your self discipline.

Carpe Diem my friends.. Now show some discipline, get going, get out there, and be someone’s great day!

Call out to me in Ecstasy…

Posted first by emdimensional, this speaks to me


Wherever you may lead, Labyrinth..

And you call out in ecstasy
I remember you’re my best friend
I have wandered through the labyrinth
I have found you at the edge of time

And you call out in innocence
To the wild unbroken wind
I have fought to see the face of God
Will you answer in the tongue of Men

Everything you’ve done by now is necessary
Even if you’re torn apart at the seams
Everything you know from here on out is changing
Everything I have is yours, Ecstasy

And you call out in infancy
I have only just awoke
Imprisoned by the medicine
All my chains have been self-imposed
Oh the body aged and bruised
I’m eternal, eternal youth
All I am, I know I learned from Love
In the ambits of the labyrinth

Wherever you may lead, labyrinth
Wherever you may lead, labyrinth
Wherever you may lead, labyrinth
Wherever you may lead, labyrinth

Every turn that you’ve been down, is temporary
Why are you worshipping what could have been
Every word you’ve spoken out has be your story
Even now, you’re the flower and the seed
Everything you’ve done by now is necessary
Even if you’re torn apart at the seams
Everything you know from here on out is changing
Everything I have is yours, Ecstasy
Everything I have is yours, Ecstasy
Even now, you’re the flower and the seed


 

How could I NOT love this?  Awesome stuff..
And now the words to music…  enjoy!

 

In case you are wondering:
Ambit: (noun) : The scope, extent, or bounds of something:

Service, or submission? Which comes first, slave?

Michael Makai, famously put forth the notion of the “Warrior Princess” as a slave category.   It was warmly received by slaves who previously felt no one quite understood them.  I remember sitting and speaking with a slave one evening who laughed at the notion.  She fairly spit at the thought.  She didn’t warmly receive his ideas at all.

Why start with this?  Why now?  It starts with the fact that I have long pushed Izrina to do more self evaluation, to dig deeper into her own feelings and communicate these things I need to know, to be a better Master.  I need to understand my slaves motivations, before I can motivate her.

You must ever be mindful to manage the mind, not the body of the slave. ~Xtac Quote

She said to me last night, that she thought perhaps she loved service, more than submission.  She said it so very meekly, knowing my love for her submission, and the power I feel in that exchange.  I sensed that she didn’t want to trample on that, so she approached with caution, less I object, or worse.

Of course inside, I did not receive this thought warmly at all.  My main kink is power exchange.  But a Master does not jump to panic or negatively.  We use patience, love, and the projection of focus on the reality we wish to create.  So I did.

My first thought was that Izrina is impressionable.  It’s like seeing a commercial that says.. Do you wake up tired in the morning, didn’t get enough rest?  And you say.. OH my God!  I have this disease.. what ever it is.. write this down, I need this drug.

That is not to say she is weak.  But she receives the focus people hand her and runs with it.  What do I mean by that?  If she was reading Michael’s work, I would expect her to come back saying she could see some warrior princess in her.  She did mention a recent slave forum discussing something along theses lines.


 

So my new question, my new focus becomes.. Is service more important than submission, for her personally?  What does that mean for our dynamic?  Too soon to say.  We’ve only just begun to unravel this one.  She is just now beginning to really let me in to her most inner self. I too must tread lightly.  We are making progress.  Its important for me to nurture her communication.

I know that may seem odd, but it has been a very long and slow process.  She is a very private person, easily prone to embarrassment.   I love the canvas I am giving a new life to.  For me, at this point in our dynamic, she is like a flower ready to bloom..Each day, she opens a little more, and each change is beautiful.

I can tell you one thing I know about this new subject.  I am who I am.  It doesn’t matter what this means on at least one level.  I will have my way.  I will be a Master, even if I have to push through this in a slow, steady, unrelenting pace.  I have seen the destruction that can occur in a Master-slave relation when there is too much “nurturing”.  I’ll be damned it I’ll let that happen here.  My sacred role will not change.. and therefore, that which feeds me must exist.

I don’t think we are talking about the “broken slave syndrome” here.  If you are not familiar with this, it’s fairly common for a Dominant or Master to find a shy, retiring, submissive or slave and begin to fill them with confidence.  The Dominant is like a therapist, or councilor, “fixing” what is broken, making them happier, healthier, more alive..  What happens next is sad.  Often these Dominants are then cast aside.  I know a few Dominants who have sworn off all “broken” slaves because of this pattern.  But that’s all negative stuff. It can’t happen here.  As Sno would say about something negative.. “erase..erase.. erase..”

Serendipity my friends.. How odd is it then, that a blog I chose to read today, not knowing the subject matter in advance, was very similar.  The title was “What makes me different, I guess” by Sir’s nijntje .  The subject matter was about being a Dominant with everyone but her Sir.  Life brings together odd things at odd times and I always wonder why.  Why now.. Why this person.. what potential has the universe created this time and what will I make of it?

Serendipity happens. I often wonder why the people I come into contact with, were presented in that time and place. How will this weave into the fabric that will become the lessons of this life? ~ X Quote

Now I have more to ponder…I wonder.. do strong persons, who submit to one person and one person only, submit to only to one person for the pleasure of service? Or is it more complicated?, Perhaps a need to find a comfortable place in the hierarchies of power that surround us?  Why one person?  Does it matter if submission is a means to service?  How does that change the dynamic, and the motivations?

Makai had this to say on the subject: A typical submissive lives to serve. She likely grew up believing that service to the people you care for is how you express your love for them. It had little or nothing to do with relationship dynamics, sex, kink, or anything anywhere near that complicated. It is a simple, sweet principle of love: If you care for someone, you do nice things for that person. It makes you feel better, it makes him feel better, and it makes the world – or at least your little corner of it – a better place for a time.” ― Michael Makai, The Warrior Princess Submissive

There is a kernel of truth in there.  Perhaps a submissive or slave who desires to serve one person only, does so because this is their highest truth.  To express love, they MUST do so through service.  It makes sense.  A true Dominant can understand this, because in a very real sense, we serve those who serve us.  We do this with constant love, attention, and patience.  We do this with guidance, nurturing, and care.  WE who are good Masters in a very real sense, serve only one, our slaves.

There are many slaves who are personally strong. If you have been around a really good alpha slave, one who trains other slaves, you know this is true.  I think the best example though is myself.  As a manager, I enjoy my interactions with my direct reports, my employees, but I am equally good in supporting the person I report to.

In a very real sense I am both Dominant in one direction, and submissive in another, yet I have no issue with this.  I have no craving for more power, no desire to climb the corporate ladder so to speak.  I am quite comfortable with this role in my life.  In most things, I bristle when I must submit to authority, but because the person I report to respects and appreciates my competence, and trusts me to handle what I am delegated without micromanaging me, I am OK with this position.

Hmmm I am definitely not of a slave mentality… taking this further, using myself as a guide, does that mean that persons who serve only one are submissive rather than slave?  Bah!  Stupid idea.. forget I said it.

I have a disadvantage in reading Izrina.  A HUGE disadvantage.  Master’s take note… When she is with me, she is always submissive to my authority.  I can’t see how she interacts with her co-workers and bosses.  I wish I could be a fly on the wall and observe that.

That is my disadvantage, and really, its a disadvantage all Master’s share. I am curious how she is with other people when I am not around.  I know that I can’t assume she is as meek with them, as she is with me.  It’s definitely an area to ponder, and to investigate as best as can be, from discussions about her day… Her day.. hmmmm

Her day.. a side note.  You know I think that what we give focus to is important.  When I first started applying my creative touches to she who is my canvas, and we would discuss her day, it usually started with a rant about her bosses and sometimes her co-workers.  That bothered me because her main focus, what she brought back from the day, was anger and frustration.  She may not have realized this before, but she will when she reads this:  Her focus has been a lot less angry.  Oh! She still gets pissed off by the same stupid jerks, but its not the first thing she runs to anymore about her day.. and that is a good thing.  It means she is finding her appreciations, discarding her frustrations, taking responsibility for happiness, and yes – generally less angry after work.. all progress that I am pleased to see and report.  This is a direct result of my managing her mind, not her body.  I pleased with the results.  She is a generally happier person for it.

Much of the wisdom I share is from years of discussion and life.  This is a new question I have handed to my muse.. the part that has all the answers.  It’s odd.  I don’t know if the muse is part of me, or a connection to something much bigger, but the muse always has answers..  LOL!  my muse is scolding me.. of course its something bigger..  It’s hard to explain this inner guide.. The harder I try to put it to words, the less sense it makes…Maybe this works better for you..

Doing the right thing, is always the right thing to do. ~Xtac Quote

What is right, is always right in front of me, if I listen. ~Xtac Quote

Hope there was some things of value in there for you as a Master or a slave..  things that help you craft a better relation.  Or.. if that is not your purpose in reading, a better life. Carpe Diem my friends.. Go be someone’s great day..

Your focus can solve or cause problems

This blog is about my brother.. a continuation if you will, of yesterday’s blog.  I am tackling this one though as I frequently do, via an indirect path.   I want to start with this video of Madonna’s woman of the year acceptance speech.

What everyone should do, is choose wisely, that which they focus their attention, passion, and energy upon. ~Xtac Quote

I have always liked Madonna.. Her music, her daring.  When she talks about the troubles of her life, that is what she is giving focus to..  and so we respond to it, we acknowledge that say, Prince had it better, easier, was more accepted.  That wasn’t my reality, I didn’t think, he was cool, but she is a slut..but she thought many of us thought that.. or at least enough to lash out at it.

I always thought of Madonna as a woman who was strong.  I thought of her as a person who didn’t care what other people think..   what other people think…

You see what I did there?  I began to shape your thoughts about this video, and who I am, by what I chose to focus on.

Often, what we focus on shapes the conversation.  What we give focus to becomes the backdrop against which all other things are discussed.  Highly successful people often flat out refuse to acknowledge failures.  Not because they didn’t happen, but because when you acknowledge failure, that is the beginning, the very first crack in the door to focusing on that failure.  It invites discussion and discussion invites examination, and more examination begins to take the form of focus, and focus shapes reality.

So.. the highly successful focus on accomplishment, on achievement, on motivating people to focus on the goals they share.

You can quietly acknowledge to yourself, your failures.  Its important to be realistic, to know your limitations, to learn from past mistakes.  But we who would be successful, keep these to ourselves because what we focus on shapes our reality.

So it is, that when I focused on the negatives of my brothers text, he responded to my focus.  His first message was overwhelmingly positive, but I took two words and chose to describe them as “negative”.  His second message was a reaction and it was predictable if you gave this even a moment of thought.   No.. negative did not compound a negative.  Our second conversation was quite positive in fact.. but my focus had shaped the nature of our next discussion, the starting point where we would resume speaking.

So it is that what we focus on, can solve problems, or it can create problems.  When I walked past a pretty girl, projecting strength and authority and received in return a warm come hither smile.. I was experiencing the power of projection.  We project both non-verbally and verbally.. but we need to be aware that we are always projecting and what we project, people react to.

Let’s look at this another way… The man who admires his woman creates an inner beauty in her.  As you admire her, she responds and returns to you,  a more sexy and seductive woman.  The man who does not see his woman as desirable will ultimately reap what he sows and she will become as ugly inside, as he has made her feel on the outside.  Its another abject lesson in the power of focus.

Do we ignore reality to create a false focus?  Have you not been listening?  We create focus so that it may become our reality.

I like what Madonna said about not owning anything, that she owes all that she is to a high power.. I liked when she said, “I am a different kind of feminist.  I am a bad feminist”.   There!  I did it again.. I was shaping your opinions by making you react to my focus. Those were positives so your reaction should be positive. If I pick only negatives, you would naturally gravitate to my negatives.

I like when my brother said he liked my new quote.. that was a positive.  I’ll focus on those.   I won’t focus anything my brother or Madonna said that was negative.  Not because I wish to invalidate their experience or observation but because I don’t want to bring my focus on their negatives.  I don’t believe in giving energy to negatives.  I believe in action about negatives.. and if the time comes to act on a negative I will.. but I won’t give focus, and therefore a life and energy to negatives.

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. ~ Quote, Mahatma Gandhi

And how does this apply to Masters and slaves?  It means that if you, as a Master, observe a negative in your slave, you either act on it to correct it, or you give focus to a positive in your slave.  Better yet do both.  You will be an infinitely better Master if you follow this advice.

And if you are a slave, and you feel negative feelings regarding your assigned tasks or yourself, you should act to change those feelings. You do this with by choising what you will give your focus to.  Make your focus be a positive perspective.

Gandhi was made to clean toilets because he was a lawyer and such work was beneath and him and it was reasoned that such a thing might break him.  He did of course live in a world divided by the caste system.  But he thanked his jailers and they could not understand how he had arrived at thanking them.  And he essentially said that they had shown him a trap he had created for himself, and when he saw it, he knew that he did not have to accept it.  So instead of focusing on the trap they laid for him, he focused on doing a very good job of cleaning toilets and taking pride in it.  By doing so, he could both avoid the trap they had laid to break him and still could honestly  say “thank you” to his jailers for what they had done for him. Not “to him”, but “for him”.

You see my friends, with focus and right thought, we can always find our happy place.  We can always give focus in a way that shapes a better reality.  Or we can help create our own problems..  The choice is entirely in our own hands.. Carpe Diem my friends.. Go be someone’s great day.

The cost of my world

My brother recently mentioned that he was thinking of writing.  He wanted to put some important thoughts to paper.  In the course of our conversation, I suggested he might want to check out my “core values” piece on my “about page” in my blog, this blog.

I hadn’t invited him to check it out before now, since my BDSM side seems to be a mild irritant.  Every time I would visit, some toy would come out of the bag.  Bull whips, or violet wands, or butterfly knives, or fire wands.. it was always something with me. So he asked me to please just tone it down a little.

So yeah, I wasn’t pushing my blog, but I thought the core values might be something he’d be interested in. I think he read a bit more than the “core values” piece because he made some very complimentary comments about the blog and among his text messages was one like this: “I was so impressed with the amount of time and thought you have put into the blog.  It seems to be a very stabilizing and clarifying force in your life.”

Hmmmm “stabilizing and clarifying”.  That part kinda felt like a negative.  Like somehow my life was this undulating mess of weirdness that needed focus and explanation to make sense.  So I did what I do.  I thought about it for a while.  Here’s what I think now.  In a sense, my life IS pure anarchy and insanity from certain perspectives and seeing this, I now have a new quote:

The price of admission into my world is, at the very least, to grasp the concepts of my reality. ~ Xtac Quote

Take a saying all too familiar in the BDSM community.  “I have found freedom in my chains”.  To most, this is at best asinine and at worst evil.  Yet we understand and accept it completely.  It makes perfect sense to those who crave the comfort of having someone else in charge.

In a very real sense, when I write, I am writing not just for those who understand the freedom of chains, but I also am trying to build a bridge across the gorge that stands between BDSM and those who’s reality is based on relations grounded in equality; who’s highest expression of social justice is to do battle with any inequality.

The battle for equality based on age, religion, gender, and sexual orientation has left some wounds that will take generations to heal.  As in any battle, neither side who has done battle, ever truly trusts the other.  It takes a fresh generation, born into a world without these wounds to create a world in which there are no battle scars to nurse.

Having fought so hard for the promise of equality, throwing it all way on some kink like power exchange must seem foolish and a betrayal to some.  My reality is not uniquely my own, but neither is it  a standard that can be easily accepted by those who worship at the alter of equality.  Now, I am not saying that is my brother’s reality.. I am just using this as an example.

Understanding my reality comes at a price.  Equality is NOT my highest expression of social freedom.  It (equality) is merely the starting point, the place from which you can negotiate any life you wish. You have to understand certain things to grasp my world.  When I Dominate my girl, I am giving her a gift.  That is so alien to some, that while they may hear the words, they may not be able to accept this as reality.  It is more like a fantasy, an alternate universe, a mental aberration, anything other than something that fits neatly into the world they understand.  How can anyone appreciate, being bossed around?  Can they truly be thankful for that?  The answer is, Yes!  (followed by Thank you Master)

So in some ways, I am clarifying my thoughts, aligning them with others, looking for the bridges to other ways of thinking. Not that I plan to cross over.. I am very happy on my side of those bridges.  I like my reality.  I love my way of looking at things much better, thank you very much.  I don’t expect to be able to be freely “out of the closet” with my way of living any time soon though. Maybe not even in my lifetime.

It would be cool is I could walk down the street with my slave and instead of holding hands I would have her on a leash and a collar.. and people would say.. awww… they look so cute together.  See?  Alien thoughts.  You see something like that and your first thought isn’t how in love we are.

Maybe someday, but that reality is so far off in the future, even I can’t imagine a day when that might happen.

Carpe Diem my friends, Go be someones great day!

Respecting diversity ( a rant from my muse )

Respect for diversity is good, its even better as respect for diversity of thought.  ~ X Quote

If you have followed me from the beginning, somewhere I MUST have pointed out that I believe it is my parental duty to teach only two things to teach my daughter.  The second lesson is how to make good decisions.  In a nutshell, one of the principles of making good decisions is to not get your advice from an echo chamber.  The council you seek is important.  How you weigh that council is important.  You need advice from your friends, AND your enemies.  Diversity of thought is not just good behavior, its a brilliant principle of living a life guided by wisdom.

Let me say this in simple words…  Being sensitive to some people does not give you the right to be insensitive to others..  We call that being a jerk!  It seems that somewhere down the road of instilling respect for diversity, a moral high ground of opinions was established and any thought contrary to the selected line of thinking, was considered fair game for disrespect.

Now while the word “moral” is still fresh, I need to go off on this tangent.  I don’t believe in morals.  I believe in ethics.  Moral behavior tends to be more about proper behavior but ethical behavior seeks equity  as judged within the context and values of the parties involved.  Read my lips..  “moral anything” is bullshit!  Go fling your cow patties someplace else.

I am not a fan of hatred either.  Even of people that “deserve” to be hated.  You have to understand that hate is a poison and a disease.  It hurts the one who holds it and if a person is not cured of their hatred, eventually hatred will kill its host.  Step one is to free yourself from moral superiority.  Then any other sense of superiority.  The right path is a healthy dose of humility and respect for diversity.

One question I wish I could answer is:  When did it become OK, to hate people that “deserve” it?  I think it was so slow a process, we never noticed it happen. Like the infamous frog in the slowly boiling water, we were just too stupid to see it or jump out of the freaking pot.

The war of the sexes was when I first started to notice.  Maybe ten years ago, many a commercial made fun of men. It was part of the process of marketing to women..Hey! Its a huge market, so its OK, right?  But who decided that hating on men endeared the average woman to your products?   Blonde jokes and men who don’t stop for directions..  We pick at each other and don’t give it any thought at all to it.  Racial, religious, aging, fat people, rude people, where do we not feed a secret prejudiced?  And who the hell gets to decide the criteria that makes a person fair game for hatred?  Does anyone not see the foolishness of these thoughts?  Some days I just want to yell… let me off.  The diatribe is just so venomous.

And when the hell did we start thinking that giving respect was somehow weak or foolish?   You must give respect because of who you are, not because of who you are giving it to.  Respect can be lost though, and what do you do then?  You cut that influence out of your life.  When you see dishonesty and hatred, distance yourself from it but do it with a carefree heart.

Or.. and this is a really big but..you can get into the face of really serious oppressors and demonstrate your capacity for love and patience.  But that is a dangerous game.  There are some very dangerous dangers haters and suppressors in the world and it is right to be careful and cautious.   Some places are more dangerous than others. We sometimes forget that our values are not universal.  You can’t judge what others will do, based on what you think everyone should do.

Keep in mind that if  you are free to protest where you are with relative safety, than you are already in a pretty good place. Its the places you are not safe to protest, that need the most work.  That is so logical it almost shouldn’t need to be said.

I wouldn’t recommend for example, that women stage a peaceful protest in a country steeped in Sharia Law.  But… if you really want to fight oppression, shouldn’t you do it where oppression lives?  Wouldn’t it warm your heart to see a little girl power in a Sharia Law country?  I mean if it didn’t turn into a stoning and blood bath, it would be nice.  If my reference to Sharia Law makes you think I am picking on Muslims not so.  I dislike oppression and hatred from anyone.

I Googled places not safe for women to travel alone. Would you believe that India and Mexico were both very high on the list of places where women that travel alone get raped?   Look these are just statistics..I am not putting emotion into it.  I would love to see real hatred faced with peaceful protests in places that really suppress freedom. Take Russia’s open hostility to gays.  Now there is a place to go and peacefully protest, if you want to really want to stare down oppression of LGBT rights. 

It takes real courage and commitment to go into a lions den and face down haters without giving in to hate yourself.  Most people are better suited to just distance themselves from it, and even then they have a hard time doing so with a light heart.  If you can face hatred with love, bravo!   Its a rare individual who can walk away from hatred without wearing some, even more rare to face it boldly with love.

And what if you are the person who hates the haters?  Whatever your twisted logic, then you are part of the problem. Round and round it goes.  Hatred and more hatred.  You have to be the person who stops it.  Each person who just says no to hate, who’s message of tolerance and love comes through clear in their protest,  is another finger in the dam.  If you can not protest with love in your heart, don’t fucking do it.

If you value respect, and diversity, and honesty, that does not mean that you must give bullets to your enemy.  Freedom sometimes gets deadly serous. The refugee crisis is proof that more people choose to distance themselves than fight back.  Anyone can choose to resist being pulled in, resist interacting with them.

It may help to let yourself see the sad pathetic, hate diseased person they are.  You may need to see this first, before you can send love and pity their way.. from a distance of course.. because they probably won’t understand and possibly hate you even more.

In stark reality, if a person wants to kill or convert you, you have three choices.. kill them first, or convert them first, or distance yourself.  If you are backed into a corner though, then it is self defense time and all rules of ethical behavior are off.

It’s strange that to protect ourselves from that which we do not believe in, we must sometimes adopt the methods of the very people we disagree with.  Life is really fucking strange at times.  I wish we lived in a world where more people embraced diversity and love.  Strangely, this forum, the internet, has that capacity to make the world one large melting pot, to bring us all closer together..

Why this subject, and why now?  When I started writing I haven’t a clue.   Something told me I should have this rant so I did.  It seemed to align somewhat with recent news but not on either side of the political coin.  I believe in serendipity.  Things happen for a reason.  Somewhere, somehow, this rant makes sense.. I just don’t know why yet.. and maybe I never will.. But I trust that things have a way of happening when they should, even if we don’t understand the bigger picture.  So I listened to my muse.   Wow.. got all metaphysical on you.. sorry.. I’m done with the sharp words.. If you need me, I’ll be the one in the corner playing with knives instead. I’m complex like that.  Carpe Diem my friends..  Go be someone’s great day.

Monogamy and BDSM, part 4

In Part one I said this:  Many an experienced owner and slave play in scenes.  A scene is quite different than starting a BDSM relation, but still, a scene has a certain level of penetration.. even if it isn’t physically sexual. 

I do this.  I used to do fire: play quite a bit and was known all over the Hudson Valle area for it.  I stopped.  I had become a carnival ride, every night I had a bunch of people waiting to be next.  I was hard to fit in my slave, who very much wanted to be on the list.  So I just stopped doing it every weekend in a dungeon.

Then there is the event at the North East Power Exchange.  I did a scene with Raven Pup. The rest of this paragraph in its original form has been deleted.

Never fear, you aren’t missing much and I’ve replaced it with better content.  Before I published part four, I let Irina read it because in this deleted paragraph, I spoke of her reaction to that scene.  She asked if I could remove it.  I said I would think about it.  Then I explained that if she and I are ever going to compete in the NE power exchanges, she needs to be ready to speak not only about what works in our relation, but also when we have issues.. our dirty laundry.. because others can learn the most from our mistakes.  If others are going to learn from us, they need to hear about our problems, and how we resolved them, so they can figure out if our solutions might work for them as well.  And then she said something about me being a dark, scary, sexy Master.. This paragraph, along with a hard look at our lives and the conversation that followed, achieved the objective I was looking for.. it brought my canvas another inch closer to the slave I want her to be.  There was nothing shocking..in there.  Oh.. I did ask why she didn’t like the paragraph and she said.. it was open ended.. and I said so it either needs to be deleted or there needs to be more detail.. (grins)  the social sadist in me couldn’t resist that second option..more detail.. Her reaction was quite, hmmmm, pleasing to me.  She hasn’t read the replacement paragraph..want to take bets if she decides she was happier with the original? I return you now to our blog already in progress….

When Izrina and I met, I was a carnival ride.  Now I am not.  But I never committed to ending my scenes with others in the Dungeons.  I also hope one day to open the “House of X”.  How can you do all that, and stay monogamous?

The answer is quite clearly, you can’t on some level.  The fact that there was unhappiness about a scene, was an indication we clearly need to do a lot more talking about the future and monogamy.  Choices.  To settle and stay or go?  And questions.. are you settling?  I know Izrina.. the thought of giving me up will scare the hell out of her.  But by the same token, I don’t want her to settle for something she doesn’t want, just because she has it in her head that she wants me to be the one to Dominate her.  The question of compatibility is a problem everyone faces.

You love someone, and you want to be with them..but in the Master/slave relation you are faced with difficult decisions about compatibility.  A slave may have hard limits but in a sense, so does an Owner.  There are some things we just are not prepared to give up for the rest of our lives.  I won’t give up the S&M scenes I choose to do, and I won’t give up my dream for the House of X.  And that brings us to the question of the slaves scenes..


So.. just how OK is it to let your slave do scenes in a Dungeon?  Like some many things in life, one answer does not fit all situations.

Loaned for oral service or other sex – This is my personal take, but I say Hell No.  That body and all its holes are mine and I am not sharing.  It’s personal.  For me, the answer will always be a resounding Hell No!  There is a value here though.. letting a slave know that they are property.. and some might get off on it..but I don’t.  A slave who wants to be passed around like that isn’t for me.  I won’t be a cuckold.  Not now, not ever.

Allowed to try another style in a casual scene –  I do a bit of rope work.  I even do suspension.  But I am by no means a dedicated rope artist.  Every Dominant has  their style and talents.  I see no reason to keep my slave from experiencing those other styles and levels of talent so they can tell me what they liked and didn’t like..it helps me to get better.

By the same token, I like doing a scene with others.  The risk of emotional penetration is very high.  If however your own relation is rich and rewarding that risk is lowered.  When you have a good life, you will feel no regrets, no desire to end your commitment.  When the Dominant you serve feeds your submission to you, so that you desire to return, there can be little to tear you apart.  So I say have at it.. enjoy the casual experience of a new style or level of experience.

And what if your relation is not everything you want?  What if you already harbor regrets?  What then?  Is it better to hide your head in the sand, keep yourself from happy moments so you don’t see the shit in your life?  I say no.  If two people plan to make something special, then a casual try at another style should not be a threat to worry about.  And if you are lying to yourself about your happiness, if you are settling, then you have some serious decisions to make.

Passing a slave on to another Master – This is a yes and no kind of thing.  I have passed my slave on into the control of another for various reasons.  A trip to beyond leather in Florida.. the key to her collar was entrusted to another for that trip.  that time is was  Sno.  I gave her into the hands of another, just for the experience, as part of her training.  That was Dr Bob.  At the NE Power Exchange, I had to duck out for a moment.. so I put her in the hands of Master Karl.  There are times and places where another owner is helpful for protection, or for experience and training..  It is NOT OK in my book to just hand over a slave because someone wants to use them, unless that is a kink you both want.  That kink is not my kink.  I will not endure being a cuckold. Just my two cents on that one.

Scenes with deeper roots – Sometimes the top or bottom or both are nursing deep affections. Take Raven and I.. there is something happening there.  She has a deep and abiding love for me and Izrina knows it.  We all know it.  Raven’s owner knows it, and I know it.  There are four people involved here and to date, I’ve never crossed any line that would put the relations of those four people into jeopardy.  I have mixed feelings about this kind of thing.  On one side, there is a risk. On the other side, I deeply love my scenes with Raven, and to justify my behavior, I fall back on this quote:

The idea of love being limited and a commodity to be fiercely guarded is a concept that I don’t understand. ~ Slave_Shylah

I collected that quote so long ago, I don’t even recall my relation to this slave.  But I do still love the sentiment.  I often speak of the unbearable and limitless amount of love that can pour through you when you open yourself as a conduit for love.  I think we fear the loss of our loved ones too much, so this quote applies:

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

Risking it all – Really, there is no difference between the married person who gets permission to try BDSM, and the Master or slave who has a very deep and intimate relation with someone else.

There is a very real risk that these bonds may destroy the existing relation, or cause a person to settle for more than they know they could have.  They are unhappy with what they have but faced with destroying the existing relation.  IF you find yourself in this situation it is something you have to decide how to handle within your ethics and if you are with someone, nilla or not, its something you have to talk about together.

A great relation, nilla or not, has to have that level of communication, of trust, of honesty. Without these, it is not a great relation, and that alone makes your decision much easier.  If you have these, then commitment takes over and fear should subside.  Ultimately, if your love exceeds your need, as the Dalai Lama suggests, then your happiness is their happiness and there is nothing to fear at all.


I wish sometimes it was a more perfect world and everyone was capable of placing the happiness of those we love before our own needs. While I am wishing this  I am reminded of my own admonishment that my values and views of the world, are not anothers.  I am also just struck with the four priorities.. The needs of the slave come before the wants of the Master, but the wants of the Master come before the wants of the slave.  Hmmmm how does that fit into this?  Life is complex.. but living it should not be.  In the path of your happiness, guided by ethics and a commitment to good choices, the right thing to do is always right in front of you.

So that’s it my friends..My thoughts on Monogamy and BDSM, in four.. count em.. four parts.  Wow.. deep subject.  Aren’t you glad I didn’t try to fit it into one piece?   I have important Master stuff to do now.. so Carpe Diem… go be someone’s great day.

Monogamy and BDSM, part 3

Up until now, I’ve been talking about what you “should do”.  Let’s talk about this whole “should do” stuff.  Just because a person should do these things.. just because you might do these things yourself, absolutely does not mean that others will.

One of the biggest, most stupid mistakes we make is to judge others by our own standards.  We often think that because we are trustworthy, other will inherently be so too.  And it is fairly common for lairs and cheats to think that everyone is a lair and an cheat.  The way we see our world colors the way we see think others see the world.  It is all too easy and common to make the mistake of thinking that the way you see things, is the way others will.. this is not so.  Absolutely, definitely not so!

THIS is what Vile is railing about. Some Dominants are just plain fucking dirt bags.  Your values are not theirs.  They are strangers in every sense of the word. The way they see things is 180 degrees from the way you see it.  They are going to use you, and dump you.  They won’t use that slow, gentle, irresistible force that moves mountains, that pushes and shapes you into a happy slave. You expect that because its how it “should be”.  But because they have no patience and they have no staying power and they are fucking dirt bags, you might blindly go into their trap.  I’d like to add my warnings to Vile’s well published ones… Do not assume your values are anothers!  Its so damned easy to forget to remember. You owe it to yourself to figure out what you are dealing with, without making assumptions.

One more thing on this.  It is not always the Dominant’s fault that a collar of consideration fails.  If you have “quirks”, you must communicate that up front.  Maybe its bi-polar meds, or a childhood triggers.  ANY trigger that might suppress your slave side should be discussed.  A Dominant who is blind sided by these things might not react as well as they would have, had this been discussed early on.

That being said, I can’t stress strongly enough how I feel about the three traditional collars, about taking your time, about not falling prey to sub-frenzy, about building trust through observed honesty, about not being the slave you need to be until after you have satisfied your need to know what you are dealing with.


We touched briefly on poly as a way of making your life work.  I have a story to tell, which kind of covers how I feel about this subject:

There once was a woman who had a cat.  She and the cat were very close.  When she would come home, the cat would sit in her lap, and she would stroke it and the cat would purr loudly, and she and the cat were very happy. 

One day the cat had kittens and they were all very, very cute.  The woman gave away most of the kittens but two were just so adorable, so she kept them. 

And now when she came home, one cat sat on the back of the couch behind her head, and one in her lap and one by her side..sometimes.. because the cats all fought for her attention, and though she loved all three very much, she was never as close to her first cat ever again.

That story illustrates perfectly how I feel about poly.  We have only so much time to share in our lives and the more people we bring into our lives, the less close we can be with those people. I know this, and still one day I hope to establish the “House of X”.  A place where those who desire a pure service role.. no sex with the Master..can live.  My thought is that in such a setting, a slave could establish a romantic relation with another slave, which the owner is not part of.  One day, perhaps, we shall see.

I am not against poly per se.  What I am against is anything that sets up boundaries between a Master and slave.  I want those walls torn down.. within reason of course.  Nothing but raw direct honest communication should exist between Master and slave.


And finally, we come to “loaning” your slave for Dungeon scenes.. or allowing yourself the luxury of enjoying a slave in a Dungeon scene (such as I did at the North East Power Exchange with Raven).  If you are with someone who is anticipating a monogamous Master slave relation, these things can raise concerns.  If you are now sensing a little behind the blog discussion between Izrina and I on that very subject ..hmmm you may be right.  But, so sorry.. I hit my word limit again tonight on this subject… let’s finally get to that in part 4, tomorrow.