Protocols by RJ Rubel PhD

I am currently reading “Protocols – Handbook for the female slave” by Robert J Rubel, PhD.  The thing that strikes me is how much of what is in this book, we already do.

Take the dining protocol for example.  A slave serves from the left and takes from the right. For slaves just getting used to this, I always ask what direction the words in a book are presented to their eyes.. left to right.. in English anyway..  Food is presented the same way.  That’s a little trick to help you remember…

I suspect some of the protocols we have acquired are actually handed down from high society etiquette from centuries past.  interesting point that…

Some of the forms like standing at attention might have roots in the military.  A Master or owner may command silence with a gesture you’ve seen in every commando movie.. Arm raised straight up and down with a closed fist.. which means “silence!” How many times have you seen that in an action movie where a commando does that gesture to cause everyone to pause?  At least once I am sure…

Robert observes that as an employer he gives performance reviews and suggests that the practice makes sense for slaves as well.  He also notes that motivation requires we give minimal focus to the negatives.  We can brush over these by simply observing that these areas need work.  On the other hand we should give great attenton to the success and praise.  This helps build the slaves confidence and trust.

I agree. The reason a relation falls apart ( I think) is that the parties begin to focus exclusively on that which is problematic.  I find in all of my dealings, both nilla and BDSM, that people in general respond much better when you listen and offer positive feedback.

We as a society seem entirely too focused on finding fault* and don’t nearly give enough attention to the things we can be thankful for.  It is well established that appreciation builds a healthy mind and body…. so it only makes sense that we should spend more time on the things to appreciate.

*examples – The shame culture that digs way back in to a person’s past then does not support forgiveness, fails to recognize change (based on current behavior), demands that respect be earned (respect is lost, not earned.. it is a reflection of  your values not the person you give it to-anything less and you are rude), etc

That is not to say that we should not be honest with ourselves regarding our fears, failures, and sadness… It just means that we should encourage these things to not be long lived… a phase of healing and improvement that we trudge through and then get on with our lives.  It is best that our focus and our major time be spent in appreciation of the happier things in life.

Anyway, the book is a good read for anyone considering slavery.  I highly recommend it.

Its been a brutal few days of cold, ice, and snow… but its also a beautiful winter wonderland just out side my window.   I love the look of fresh fallen snow, the trees heavy with ice..  Yes there are things to hate in that, but what would the point be in putting my focus there?  Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

A guided negotiation

It was my pleasure to guide a very new BDSM couple through their first negotiation last evening.  Izrina out did herself in a marvelous meal of mayo-crusted chicken, mashed potatoes with mushroom gravy, ranch veggie medley, and slow cooker Apple Crisp for dessert.

After 7pm protocol, we settled in to discussions.  They will not be doing a CNC.  She is the top, he is a sub, but not a slave.

I started by reviewing submissive responsibilities..  To follow the directions of the one they serve to the best of their ability..  but then to put the protection of the property that is their body ahead of that, and their own personal ethics ahead of that.  If an owner would do real harm to their property a sub or slave must protect that property until their Dom is thinking clearly again.  Similarly, if a Dom would order a sub or slave to steal and that is against their personal ethics, those ethics must win out.   This is why it is so important to make sure of your choices in a partner and to talk.  BDSM does not ensure a one-size-fits-all situation.  To find out if your needs and wants will dovetail takes talk.. lots of talk.

Next we talked about a sub or slave’s choices..the power that is always wielded by the nature of our consensual slavery.  First and foremost, the sub or slave must choose who.   They hold the power over who they would approach and ask for the gift of Domination.  A Dom cannot impose their will until the slave or sub offers their submission.  The slave holds the right.. the responsibility to choose wisely and to not give away the property that is themselves lightly.  Next a sub or slave must negotiate what will be given.  This includes hard limits.. likes and dislikes.. a discussion of how partners will achieve mutual happiness in their relation.   Lastly, the sub or slave always holds to power to withdraw consent.  It is a nuclear option, bound to be destructive to the relation, but present none the less.  Every Dom must be prepared to back off if such an option is exercised.

We talked about the four areas of control… Mind & Body…Finances… Children & Pets.. and Religion.   The last three went quickly since they were on the same page.  She would retain control of financial decisions, he would manage them, and report on his activities.  Mind and Body took a bit longer since trust and honesty was a big point and she wanted full access to his thoughts with no option to deny access ( I allow Izrina to ask to retain information given to her in confidence. )

Finally, we got into the fun stuff.  Rituals, rules, and protocols.  We used a printed copy of Izrina’s and then highlighted the keepers, scratched out some, and added new.  It was quite the marked up doc by the time we were done, but I think they have a good start.  It will be his responsibility now to type it up.. they’ll keep it on a google drive.. where it can be recalled and updated.   I know they are off to a good start.  I hope they are very happy together.

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

Mastress – the birth of a new word.

So.. another full open house at HOX ( house of X ).  We had to get out the extra table and chairs and had a lovely evening filled with fun discussions over a mostly protocol dinner.

I insist that Dominants be served by their slaves first.  Doms who showed up without a slave in tow.. (don’t you just love a leash?)  may request to “borrow” the service of another slave.  Next we set the switches loose on the buffet table and then finally the bottoms.

We had one queer person in attendance… queer folk are not heterosexual and are not cisgender.   Cisgender means your gender identity matches the genitalia you are born with.  So in not, not terms, what a queer person is… is someone attracted to the opposite sex.. as in the sex that is opposite of the gender they self identify as.. but is not opposite of the genitalia they were born with.  All clear now?

Mistress Muroidea who on fet lists as a GQ Dom, stated that she likes Master much more than Mistress and as I maneuvered back and forth between addressing Masters and Mistresses at one point I said: “Mastress”.

“I LIKE that!” she said.  So there you have it.  The birth of a new word.  I like it too.

So the next time you just don’t feel like “Mistress” has that certain something that you want to convey… try on Mastress for size… Maybe it fits, maybe it doesn’t.   The important thing is, if you like it you can keep it.. it’s royalty free and you heard it here first!

 

Powerful people vs BDSM

I have two observations to share about powerful people and BDSM.  Let’s start with this from the nilla perspective.

So my first observation is that the more powerful you become, the greater the power of those who serve you.. and the greater the trust must be.

An odd thing happens when you are a person of power in a corporation or government.  The more powerful a person becomes in a corporation or a government, the more they come to depend on the people below them.  The people who serve powerful people bring focus to what they think is important.

Consider your own life.  The more busy you get the harder it becomes to keep track of all your things.  There is a break point where you cannot manage everything you are controlling.  Powerful people understand this quickly.  They cannot control every aspect below their sphere… so they bring in people they trust and depend on to do what they would do if they could.  These servants of powerful people may be under the control of another but that relation makes them powerful.

I would liken this to “topping while bottoming” in BDSM.   A submissive can be a service top.   They can top a dominant as a service while remaining true to their submissive nature by being obediant to the desires of the Dominant.   The analogy between BDSM and nilla has overlap, but it is not perfect.   What happens between powerful people of business and government is less personal, less emotionally charge in some ways – if you exclude sycophants and groupies.


 

My second thought or observation is that powerful people sometimes have a kinky side which is the opposite of their public side.   You see in movies, a powerful CEO on their hands and knees in submission to a Dominant and it makes you wonder.  Why this split?  Why would a powerful person have fantasies about submission?

The answer I believe lies in the first observation.. that powerful people are often being topped by those that serve them.  Powerful people are in some ways controlled by those they control.   A powerful person MUST give up a degree of control or they quickly become overwhelmed by the sheer multitude of details under their sphere of influence.

Giving up control is inexorably linked to truly great power.  This does not have a direct BDSM equivalent as a Master can control a multitude of details in a slave’s life.   It is the volume of detail that requires relinquishing power of a business leader or government official.  That is not to say that a slave cannot feel that an Owner has immense power.. it is a question of degrees.

I believe it was Joseph Stalin that once said that “a single death is a tragedy but a million deaths is a statistic.”  The smaller number of deaths is more personal, and therefore greater impacting.   In the same way, great power can be personal or it can be omnipotent.  How it feels to you can be expressed as a function of numbers.


 

And that brings us to a recent news event involving a powerful government official.  Katie Hill resigned her position in the house of representatives.  She had a consensual relation with a female staffer.  Her abusive husband outed her.  I hope he is prosecuted under California’s “revenge porn” laws.

Power, sex, control.  Interesting, these things.  The important thing for you personally is to find the place you are happy, and be free to live your life without it crossing over into public humiliation.

We are complex beings.  Our needs and desires are simple but there is no simple understanding of how the individual embraces the basic drives and compulsions we all have.   It would be best if we could just live free and happy and allow others to do the same without judgement.  Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day.

 

 

Open house tonight

Tonight is HOX open house.  That will be a nice break from the comfortable Master/slave routine that Izrina and settle into.  Aside from the almost invisible rituals, rules, and protocols that go on in the background all of the time,  any visitor might think we are just a normal couple.  Izrina has been out digging up bulbs and planting and what not.   I’ve been busy preparing the vehicles for winter.  We brought the fish in from the water garden… It freezes over in the winter.   Our new house guests are swimming around in their new tank, brightening up the 7pm protocol dinners.

Originally we had a fair number of people signed up for open house but some dropped off and some are writing with questions and considering going.   We never really know what kind of group we can expect until last minute.

Mistress Muroidea dropped by very excited about her Halloween costume.. and now Izrina has the bug… They are talking about shopping for a costume for the FMB Halloween costume party.    Something mixing BDSM and bunny.  Sounds interesting.  Me, I always go either Steam punk or Vampire..  Steam punk is just too cool.. Sci-Fi technology meets steam age design.  I also always loved the power, control, Domination, and yes fear of a Vampire.   That has always appealed to the Dominant/sadist in me…  So yeah.. one or the other.

One couple has expressed an interest in adding a third member to their lives.   I haven’t had a chance to talk with them one-on-one yet but I am thinking their thing is sex first, BDSM second.   Its interesting how each person, couple, or group has a thing….  a focus… but sex is almost always in the mix.

I’m not ready to make any observations on this just yet but I think it would be logical for sex to be in the forefront for younger people because your hormones are more abundant.. and less in the forefront the older folks…..  Mind you I am talking about logic.. the natural and biological tenancy I would expect  to observe as a direct result of your own internal chemicals.   Of course it should go without saying that there are never hard and fast rules with people..  you are always going to find people that surprise you and break what you expect to be normal…

Norms…I was heading into the hardware store and annoyed because my heals were stepping on the back of my flare jeans which were too long.. and suddenly a whole string of thoughts crossed my mind.  In the seventies I loved bell bottoms.. the huge “elephant bells” so big you couldn’t see your feet.  This led me to reflect on how some people hated other people who wore them.  Why?  Because they were different?  Why would anyone hate another person just because they didn’t  have the same kind of clothes or hair (long hair for men was out too).  Ah… the advantages of embracing diversity.

We’ve made some progress in that area but I think we have a very, very long way too go still.  If a person is too odd looking.. others still tend to want to avoid that person.  That makes me wonder how humans would deal with aliens mingling with us?   I wondered… if aliens who looked wildly different lived among us, would that cause us to no longer consider a human to be odd no matter how they looked?  Maybe. maybe not.  Yeah.. my mind wanders across odd topics sometimes.

Feeling horny and kinky today.   Hope who ever shows up at open house is up for a workshop or scene.  I’m feeling like dropping Izrina into a little subspace tonight.

Carpe Diem my friends… be someone’s great day!

 

Goodbye Norma Jeane

Candle in the Wind

Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name

 

And they made you change your name…

I have long maintained that in BDSM there are certain key lessons that folks who have been doing this for awhile can and should pass on.   I am not talking about a “one twue way”.   I am talking about “best practices”.  Things that have been hard learned from years of experimentation and now deserve elevation into the pantheon of great ideas.

One such idea is the three collars.  Not because it is a tradition, but because BDSM is based on consent arrived at through negotiation.  The three collars are a solid process that records progress of those negotiations, recognizes commitments completed, and serves as a goal and opportunity to celebrate.

Another such idea is the removal of the name of a slave.

Why?  Why do we as Owners take away the name of prospect?   It is very simple and yet fundamental.  An Owner will shape a slave into an extension of their will, perfectly adapted to their needs and wants.

Nothing is so personal, so integral to identity.  Your name is the core on which you hang all of what you think and feel about yourself.  Taking away a name begins the process of re-writing a new page over what used to be.

The process of a Master taking possession of a new slave and training that slave is not an endeavor to undertake lightly.   Trust, honesty, communication, these are required if a deep and un-abiding rapport is to be established.    I will tell you.. a person may say anything but their actions speak the truth.  To know a person you must see what they do and that takes time.  During the time of training it can be both exciting and disturbing for the slave.  An Owner to be must be prepared for the inevitable concerns…. and again for that we turn to previous experience.. lessons hard learned over the years.

When you first start your journey into BDSM slaves get “slave frenzy” and Doms get “Dom frenzy”.  Now that you found your people you can’t get enough and you want it all right away.  Try to put on the brakes and take it slow or you will find yourself making a commitment to the wrong person.  Even in BDSM it takes time to find the right fit for you.

Slaves…  you have the responsibility to protect the property that is you until the right Owner is found for that property.  You must talk and judge.  You have no obligation that you have not committed to and you shouldn’t commit if you haven’t judged.  You hold the power of consent.  Take time and use it wisely.

It is probably no mistake that Hollywood changed the names of its stars.   A new identity needed to be established both in the mind of the star and the mind of people who knew the person before stardom.   Creating a star involves great expense in time and resources and to some degree I am sure Hollywood moguls wanted their stars to be receptive and even submissive to their plans.  In short, they wanted their stars to behave in a some what slave like manner when interacting with them.

The seeds of power run all around us.  From parent to police to employers.  We live in a web of power exchanges.  Its not kink, its life.  Make a study of power and where you want to be in those webs and you become a student of life.

 

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

Hate vs Critical thinking

There is a Fetlife post that a few friends have been clicking “love” on.   You need a Fetlife account to go there, but this is the link:

The Problem with Self-Claimed Kink Leadership

 

People post these kinds of things all the time.   They are rants about dirt bags, cheaters, fakes and phonies.  People who need to be called out on for their shit, but also these are observations so others can recognize these problem people when they come across them.  You have to have this kind of critical thinking or people will walk all over you.

From Master to slave..  you have to have a backbone.  Even a slave has to stand up to the Dominant who has not negotiated in good faith or the owner who would damage the property.   Being non-violent does not mean you can’t be confrontational.

The problem is that hate hurts the one who holds it.  To do critical thinking means keeping your objectivity.   Instead we often dwell on a thing, holding it close, and then become emotionally attached.  Once feelings arise towards something you disagree with passion for the subject arises.  Now you are bordering on hate.

To do critical thinking without hating means to observe, identify, and dismiss.  You see what is wrong, you make a critical analysis to cross check your thinking, then you dismiss it and exclude it from you life.. you let go of it.  You do not hold onto it.  Just let it go!  The world doesn’t need more people crusading against this or that.

It feels to me that if you have given enough thought to the kind of person to be shunned, and especially if you have started a crusade against that type, that you may have crossed the line into hating…. When you observe yourself crossing the line and correct yourself there is a danger in this too.  To become a pacifist is not the ideal choice either.  There are times when violence must be met with violence.  Hate must be met with loving confrontation.  Check yourself at the door.. your heart must be pure to confront without hating.

Its odd that we as a society kill people who kill, as punishment.  Truth is, life is messy and seeking absolutes are a fools game.  Sometimes you have to go against logic and beliefs to do what is right or needed.

Walking the line between hate and critical thinking is simple.  You know in your heart when you have become caught up in negative feelings.  Negativity is poisonous and yet often seductive.   It’s so easy to get up in I’m right.. we’re right.. and that makes it all OK.  It’s never OK to suppress those feelings that something isn’t quite right.  If what you are doing gives you a twinge reexamine right away.  If you sense a growing hostility in yourself to one you opposite, reexamine right away.  Better to back out than try to make changes with hate in your heart.  Another self-check is this.. are you looking for the good in the thing you disagree with?  If you are not trying to balance.. that is.. simply dismissing possible counter-arguments.. then you may have crossed that line.  A balanced person listens to and considers all points of view.

I’m reminded of a passage from “The Screwtape Letters” (excellent book).  There was a woman who was certain she was going to heaven.  She was very pious and all she asked for in life was some weak tea and properly made toast.   Not too much to ask for such a giving person.  Problem was, no one could make the tea or the toast just right and so she was justified in being an absolute terror to all around her.  Why couldn’t she just get this one LITTLE thing???  Was it too much to ask to have a bit of weak tea and some properly made toast???

Ah, the slippery slope.

Hold love to your hearts.   Hold those close to you who know what it means to Love and Love well.   Exclude from your life those that are negative and poisonous, but not with attachment….   Just make a critical decision and let them go.  Save passion for the good things in life.  Be mindful of that which you hold close, and then just seize the day my friends… Be someone’s great day!

 

 

Protocols

Protocols are often a very personal thing… things that the Master has selected and wants.   There is a rather well read post called “128 rules for slaves”.  I have heard people make fun of it but I think they misunderstood.  The author never meant for people to follow all those rules.  Instead, this was supposed to be a grab bag of ideas.. things that you and your slave might want to adopt.

That being said, I recently updated and republished slave Izrina’s rules, rituals, and protocols.  After some thought, I am going to publish the first three pages of her doc.  As with the 128, these are what this Master wants.  I share these to give ideas but under no circumstance should anyone think this is “how its done”.  This is my thing, my rituals, rules and protocols.. nothing more

 

____..)/..________..)/..________..)/..________..)/..____________..)____
¯¯¯¯””/(”¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯””/(”¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯””/(”¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯””/(”¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯””/¯¯¯

 

Rituals, Rules, Protocolsxtac
For Slave Izrina
Ver 04 ( 2019 0915 )

RULES
=== === === === === === === === ===

  1. Physical contact whenever possible.  When in public this includes legs touching, holding hands, or hand on thigh.  In private or with like-minded individuals in worship position.
  2. This slave must ask permission before pleasuring herself.  And will ask at least once a month, each orgasm a gift of desire for Master.

 

RITUALS
=== === === === === === === === ===

  1. Morning Ritual: Each morning Master and slave will reaffirm their commitment to the principals of consent.
  2. 7PM protocol (Ritual): Each evening this slave will consider her day and provide the Master with three things she appreciated. The Master requires this for the happiness and well-being of this slave.
  3. Evening Ritual: This document will be kept by the bed. This slave  must read her protocols every evening before sleep (Only the protocols section)

 

PROTOCOLS
=== === === === === === === === ===

 

  • General protocols
      1. Within the negotiated hard limits of this relation, this slave will be prepared to provide any service Master requires of it, including any sexual service commanded of it, at any time or place of Master’s choosing.
      2. This slave must look at Master when He is talking with her, but she must look down when Master is talking to her.
      3. This slave will acknowledge all commands with “Yes Master” (or yes in public).
      4. When walking, this slave must walk slightly behind and to Master’s right.
      5. When walking away from Master, this slave will walk heel to toe (so Master can better admire the view)
      6. This slave must sit at Master’s feet when appropriate, otherwise she must always sit on his right unless otherwise instructed.

 

  • Anticipatory Service
    1. This slave will be continually conscious of Master’ desire for food and drink.  If his drink is empty she will inquire if she can refill it for him. After delivering a drink this slave will inquire if she can do anything else for the Master she serves.

 

  • Actions when Master is away
    1. This slave will not put anything into her mouth without first texting Master what she is eating and how much she is eating
    2. This slave must send a text when she is leaving the house, When she gets to her destination, when she leaves her destination and when she gets home if Master is not there.
    3. When Master arrives from being away, this slave must present Him with his drink at the door in worship position..

 

  • Gentleman Sadist
    1. This slave must hand Master her coat to put on.
    2. Master opens doors for His slave.
    3. Master opens the car door for His slave.
    4. Master buckles His slave’s seatbelt.
    5. This slave cannot get out of the car until Master has unbuckled her seatbelt and opens the car door.

 

  • Dining protocols
    1. This slave must prepare Master’s drink.
    2. Slave will offer Master a bite of her food and wait for permission before starting eating
    3. When Master is done eating, this slave must clear the table in front of Him indicated by crossing of silverware.

 

  • 7PM protocol (Dining In)
    1. China, flatware, and candles will be prepared from the 7pm protocol shelf, ahead of dinner
    2. Dinner will be server promptly each evening at 7pm
    3. Dinner will be served “buffet style” allowing Masters and Owners to be served by their slaves
    4. Master will present his vest to be put on by his slave, before dinner starts
    5. Master’s slaves will show honors before being granted a seat at the table.
    6. Before this slave is seated, Master will offer to have his slave server Masters and Owners who attend without a slave
    7. After dinner is completed, all China, flatware, and other items will be lovingly cleaned and returned to their shelf
    8. 7pm Protocol China and flatware will never be used for any other purpose

 

  • Dining Out
    1. This slave must give Master 3 choices for her meal.
    2. This slave must give Master a bite of her food and wait for the coded permission “It’s delicious” before eating.

 

  • Bedtime
    1. This slaves bedtime will be affirmed each evening based on need and next day activities.  The Master requiring his property to get sufficient rest for continued good health.
    2. If Master is in bed first and slave is joining shortly after, this slave must ask permission to join Him before getting into bed.
    3. If Master is in bed first and slave will be joining much later, slave will come to Master and kneel beside the bed before being released to complete her evening activities.
    4. If this slave goes to bed first, Master tucks her in – current evening activities permitting.  If Master is engaged, slave will use the “speak sign”, then inquire if Master can attend to this slave’s bedtime protocol.

 

HIGH PROTOCOL

=== === === === === === === === ===

  1. Slave will be attempt in all ways to make Master shine before his peers and their fellow slaves
  2. Slave will remain attentive, and ready to serve at any moment
  3. Slave will use “speak sign” to ask for permission to speak when Master is speaking with another.
  4. Slave will look to Master to see what level of Honors to give any Dominant he speaks with.
  5. Slave will honor other Dominants at level Master specifies: Level 1 for dominants we don’t know; level 2 for friends; level 3 for Dominants Master respects. level 4 for Master.. knees apart…
  6. Slave will NEVER show honor to other Dominants with knees apart, this being a signal that she is available for sexual service.
  7. Slave will honor other Dominants by not walking between Dominants.

 

domconscious

 

Carped Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

Smores at HOX – a volunteer opportunity

We have a lot of brush cleaning and fire pit restocking to do….

So we opened an opportunity for all volunteers and voluntolds to help out.  The sign went up at 2pm but frankly I wasn’t loving having it up that long in the broad daylight.  I am thinking of coming up with a sign that is less obvious about what is going on.

My thought was to use the leather patch design I’ve been working on.  Imagine this but without the lettering:

hox_tree

Might be an arbor day thing or a tree hugger thing for anyone would know.  Meanwhile down i the playroom the welcome mat is out…

standrews-5

Last night was so much fun, and there is still so much work to get done, that I’ve decided to extend the opportunity into today as well.  Last night we worked, and then feasted, and had an awesome evening of wine and BDSM conversation.  I also now have music capabilities for these events.

Life is GOOD!  Carped Diem my friends, be someones great day!

Borrowing an idea

It’s been said that “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”.   Feel me breath ( one of the most fabulous places on this earth )  has long offered wrist bracelets for guests and I am thinking that now is the time for HOX to do the same.  I just placed an Amazon order for a bunch of wristbands in all colors, 100 of each.

I also am creating a sign for HOX to make it easy for folks to figure out what is going on, and so they can quietly remind themselves without having to ask.  Here is that sign:

hox_wristbands-3

Our color code will be slightly different from FMB, but that is because of my OCD.  I like the idea of a switch being purple because blue + red makes purple… makes sense to me!

I won’t go into the FMB colors and their meanings.  We borrowed what we could while sticking to the idea that a switch should be between a top and a bottom, where color is concerned.

Yup, things are really coming together.  This Friday I am throwing a SMORES at HOX labor party for volunteers and voluntolds.  We gotta restock the wood pile for those evening bonfires, and that means brush and sapling clearing.

Carpe Diem my friends!  Be someone’s great day!