Discipline vs Punishment

November 27th, in brutal cold that froze guns and men alike,  120,000 Chinese troops began an offensive to kill 30,000 men that were part of the United Nations troops in the Chosin reservoir area.  The year was 1950.  The country was Korea.

American solders who had fought in World war II had seen their fair share of brutal conditions.  Now they faced a seemingly hopeless battle as the Chinese sought to encircle and kill them to the last man.

If the Chinese didn’t kill these men than the cold surely would.  The cold turned gun grease to jell, receivers jammed, guns didn’t fire, batteries failed, vehicles stopped working, artillery froze, in short, the men would fight the elements and their equipment as much as they would fight the enemy.  In the battles that followed there were many acts of bravery but somehow against overwhelming odds these men would inflict crippling losses on the Chinese while retreating under heavy fire. A lesson here is that retreat and a temporary loss can be part of a larger strategy that turns the final outcome.

What makes some men run into danger when others would run away?  Why would a man stand up in the middle of a hail of bullets so that mortar rounds can get a proper bead on the enemy?  What makes a man run through a killing field to his wounded comrades and bring them to safety?

Military training certainly is part of this.  It transforms teenagers into soldiers.  Certainly there is the sense in trust between men that fight side by side.  But that training also instills in them something they may not have had before: discipline.

When you think of the word Discipline, don’t think of punishment.  Think of the athlete who does one more lap around the track even though their  body is begging to stop.  Think of smoker who fights every day the urge to smoke and yet does not.  Think of the soldiers who faced fear and death but still moved forward.  Discipline is what makes us get the job done, its what makes us get up the next day, it makes us complete the task we would rather not, and keeps us from procrastinating.

When you think of BDSM and you think of Discipline, don’t think of paddles or spanking.  Think of the boring things that are expected to be completed, the things you might not have done if were not for discipline. Discipline is what keeps excuses at bay, it ensures that every inspection goes smoothly, it means that there will be no lapse in the protocol, rules, or structure of the house.  It means the rule of your law is a constant, never wavering absolute that can be depended upon.

You know what punishment is. Punishment might be used to create discipline, but don’t think of the two as one. True, they are related, but they are very different things.

You may be punished for a lack of discipline. But if you HAVE discipline, you won’t need to be punished. What is confusing is that sometimes punishment for a lack of discipline is referred to as “being disciplined”.  If you are being “disciplined” it doesn’t mean you are punished, it means that this quality that keeps you on track is being instilled in you.  Punishment is just one way of creating disciplined people.

To keep it easy to remember, just remember the discipline of an athlete, or the discipline of a soldier.  The internal fortitude they show is discipline.  You WANT to acquire discipline.  Something to keep in mind is that we who would be Masters must discipline ourselves before we can hope to teach discipline to another. If you would be a good Master, try to eliminate procrastination, and build your self discipline.

Carpe Diem my friends.. Now show some discipline, get going, get out there, and be someone’s great day!

MY Master

One thing you will never hear Izrina say is:  My Master is awesome!  He’s just the best Master ever!  She is never going to ever say that.

It’s not that I am not amazing and awesome.. I am.  It’s just that she doesn’t use the word “my” very often.  She might say,  The Master I serve is awesome!  He’s the best Master ever!

It may sound weird, this addiction I have for words.  Understand that this is a thing that runs deeper than just playing with how we say a thing.  It cuts to the core of something she can never think.  She can not think that I am her’s.  She can not think that she has some leverage over me.  She can have no expectation of control over my wants or desires. I am not hers on any level.  Even my Domination is not hers.. it is MY gift, to her.

She is MY property.  She is there to serve and please me. If I stay late at a Dungeon as I often do, and she needs sleep because she must rise early to be at the barn, I might send her to the car to nap.  I get chatting, and I love being in the center stage, so it can become hard to leave.  I see her need for sleep though, and her need comes before what I want.  IF I can manage both her need and my wants, I will.  If you have not heard this before, these are the priorities of Ds in order

  1. The needs of the slave
  2. The needs of the Master
  3. The wants of the Master
  4. The wants of the slave

And what happens when a slave doesn’t like another slave and thinks that slave is cutting in on her territory?   Let’s examine that question, shall we?   Starting with “her territory”.  I don’t have to go any further do I?   You can see already where I would go with this.  IF there is no.. “MY Master”, then there is no “my territory”.  Izrina has jokingly said she’ll scratch the eyes out of any bitch who tries to cut in on the Master she serves, but she knows better than to say that in a serious tone.  It amuses me.. as a joke..

I have a “thing” for playing with Raven Pup.  It happened at the North East Power Exchange Competitions.   Raven and I had a wonderful scene and the scene that Izrina was promised didn’t happen.  There was drama afterward.  It wasn’t jealousy per se.   I won’t go into it but I am sure you can imagine where I stood on this.

Izrina gets it. She knows its my pleasure first.   She knows that I am “the Master she serves”..   She would never dream of saying “My Master”…. hmmmm unless her SAM side broke out and she was looking for a beating (SAM = Smart Ass Masochist).   Izrina is sisters with Raven.  We talk from time to time about how she feels about Raven in my life.   On the surface there appears to be no issues, but there is something else we must always be aware of.

A sidebar story about Izrina being a SAM:  On one evening Izrina was giving me a little lip as she sometimes does when her SAM side breaks out.  So I was all Dominant and having heard just about enough lip from her, I demanded in my most Dommly Dom voice..”Get your ass in the car now!”  So she did… she turned around bent over and just stuck her ass in the car door.  HA ha!  I am fairly sure that every time she bounced in the saddle of her horse for the next week, she went.. chuckle..ow…chuckle.. ow!  Bruises are a lovely way to remember the one you love!

When you DO find someone special and your life is freaking wonderful when you are with them, you can develop a fear of losing them.  We know that living a life in the shadow of fear is self destructive but we often do it anyway.  Fear has a way of creeping in, of convincing us that we are fools if we do not nurse fear.  Fear is the dark whisper that calls you to the shadows and you know you should not go, but you sometimes do anyway.

The idea of love being limited and a commodity to be fiercely guarded is a concept that I don’t understand. ~ Slave_Shylah

When we live without fear, when we allow ourselves to love someone more than we need them, when we act as conduits for the endless love that can pour through us…  then and only then can we an live up to this quote.  It is easier to say than to do but it is also worth fighting to achieve.  It starts with knowing that the person you are with truly loves you, that they will place no other above you, and that they are worthy of the trust you place in them.

Carpe Diem my friends.. Go be someone’s great day!

It IS about the pussy

I hope Vile, a blogger I respect and appreciate.. has a sense of humor about this. He has put out a number of pieces now in which he states firmly. .It is not about the pussy.. 

I was completing an interview with him and one question was about being a Bedroom Dominant, and I stated for the record that sex is not what I am about.  But I felt like I had to justify my answer, like there was something wrong with that.  You DO need to justify yourself if sex isn’t your main drive.  People honestly don’t understand.  In quite a few ways it IS about the pussy.  I’ve been thinking about that.

It bothered me. I did my thing.. where I hold a question for a while.. I taste it, I put it on, I wear it for a while,  I turn it inside out and try it on again, I mulled that question over and over until it was  rags and somewhere along the line my muse came to me and said.. What the hell are you doing?  You already know the answers.  You just have to trust that you know it and trust that your ethics and heart will guide you well. 

Right!  You know what?  There is nothing wrong with BDSM not being about the pussy.. but then there is also everything wrong with it.  A friend and Master was approached by a slave who wanted to serve him.. So he agreed to a trial and invited her to his house.  She was excited.  He had her clean his house.  Now she was less excited. The experience made her more reflective about serving this Master.. see?  Sometimes it IS about the pussy..

I suspect that is exactly why he had her clean his house.  Not to be a prick, or because he needed that but because he was testing her.. to see if for her, it WAS about the pussy and the beatings.  Brilliant really, you should make a note of that idea.  Most guys WOULD crawl on broken glass to get some ànd some slaves will walk out if service isn’t sexual.

Its not just the Dominate who can fixate on sex.  If a Master isn’t taking possession of your body to use it, and maybe abuse it, ask yourself: Do you feel a little less like a slave who is desired?  We all need to feel valued.  So ask yourself:  Would slavery get a bit old if sex was not part of your submission?

When a Dominant expresses desire for you by taking hold of your ass, whispering an earthy “mine”, doesn’t that feel wonderful?   For some people there is something about the feeling of taking.. and being taken.. that incredible passion that strips bare all of our humanity and leaves us as exhausted puddles of satisfied flesh.  If your answer is:  Oh God yes!  then the honest answer is that yes sex IS important and it needs to be acknowledged.  Many slaves who aren’t getting pounded aren’t going to stick around.  I know I don’t have that problem with Izrina.  She is well tested.

Orgasm denial can be about torture, control, AND testing.  At the end of the day though, there has to be some release.  Sex is a requirement for nearly everyone.  Orgasms are a healthy need.

Both Dominants and slaves have to ask themselves if sex is the most important part of their desire.  You need to know.. You have to question and ask.. Do you care more about a good beating than anything else?  Is the most satisfying reason for all this submission is between your legs?  It works both ways. What is your hierarchy of needs?

Its true –  When sex is good it’s only 10 percent of a relation and when its bad its 90%.

When you ain’t getting some, sometimes its all you can think about. You know its true.  It’s all around you .  People who are so fucking desperate to get some really satisfying sweaty sex, they would do almost anything.  It becomes an obsession.  But its like Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs.   Once you have fulfilled your greatest need, you move on to the next.  It’s why I created Xtac’s hierarchy of needs.  Even though I pkace sex on the same level as control and beatings, sometimes sex  is all I can think about.

Look..there is nothing wrong with sex being a huge part of BDSM.  Especially if you are young and full of cum.  Or an old horner fucker.. Hell, forget age..  The “little death” is an “out of body” experience that is addictive. We all know this.  You don’t need me to tell you that.  But you do need to think about where it fits in your personal hierarchy of needs.  You need to have a discussion about that and its needs to be an honest one.

The Dom who starts your training by having you wear no panties might be into making you feel vulnerable to his control. That could be a good sign.  But the Dom who’s first training involves learning to suck cock his way has revealed a fateful flaw.  His personal hierarchy of needs is out of whack.  Consent, trust, negotiation, and control all come first.

I actually agree with Vile that “It’s not about the pussy.   I have no problem ordering Izrina to do her daily chores because I know as a Master it is my sacred duty to provide that sense of control and Domination that rounds out the experience.  So its off to the kitchen for her.. in a skimpy little number.. red silk tonight…  hmmm why is she so fucking hot when she is being all domestic?  What IS it about secretaries and domestic help that is so fucking hot?

hmmm  why are those curves under silk so mesmerizing? – as she bends to clean the silk hikes up, revealing that lovely line between ass and thigh…  sigh.. and what lies between…   mine for the taking..  I need only command…  mmmm… slipper silk sliding over butt cheeks…  hmm slippery is a word I can get behind..  A Master should never deny himself the pleasure of taking what is his…. Right?   There is that dilemma again. Lord give me strength!  Sometimes it’s just so hard (pun intended). Come on! (Opps! Puny again)...surely you can see that sometimes  it IS all about the pussy!

Carpe Diem my friends.. Go be someone’s geat day.

 

 

White is the color of darkness

It snowed.. and snowed.. and snowed.. We had white out.  For a while we were getting three inches an hour.  I’m glad for Izrina’s safety, she got to the ranch after picking up some clothes and then slept there last night.  I really hate when this happens.

In the morning, I  got to work myself, but it was at just a little over half my my normal speed..  I am surprised they didn’t close the local interstates..  They were pretty slippery.  I had the whole building to myself… no one else showed up for work…. hmm,  until quite late when some of the evening crew showed up.

I don’t like when she stays at the ranch…I hate it.. but I allow it.  I hate the idea of her driving in terrible weather even more.   This is the second time this year that white powder has darkened my life by stealing my slave…. Freakin snow!

Have I mentioned in an earlier blog, that home is divided into five sections… one for each day of the week.  She is to pickup, clean, and dust each section on its appointed day.. and then I inspect it afterward.  That way it never gets too far behind.  I like schedules and plans.  Today was the kitchen area.  So when she got home.. finally….  I was torn between keeping to the schedule, and making up for the time I lost to the snow.. but I did the right thing..

Have you ever been on an exercise program or diet and one day you break it… just for that one day?.. and then the second day you are like  I’ll restart tomorrow?   Sometimes you put things off so long its hard to start again.  The thing is, you absolutely must stick to these things or procrastination takes over..  So when I said I did the right thing, what I meant was that even though I really really wanted to make up for time the snow stole from me, I shoved that in a box, let her finish her tasks, and then did my inspection.  If I didn’t and the schedule started to lapse, I would have no one but myself to blame.   Freakin snow!

The rest of the evening was lovely.. I am thinking ahead now to Valentines day.. The girl does love her chocolate.. Oh.. and then I shoveled some more before bed… Freakin snow!

A Cane, and its pain, can heal

Somewhere between a diary.. and a workshop, lies this blog..

Saturday night was fire play, and afterward a person whose opinion I value said:  I don’t want this to sound like an insult, so how can I say this.. Your play tonight seemed less sadistic.

Now if you read my accounting and are not into flying or a pain slut, you were probably thinking that my description sounded pretty darn sadist to you… So now you have to be wondering, just how freaking sadist were you in the past MasterX?


Evilution, again

I’ve seen it time and time again.  The evilution of a slave and Dominant.  As much as the Master and slave relation seems fixed, as much as seems fairly simple, nearly every relationship I’ve known has gone through transitions.

Sometimes its on the Dominant side.  A sadist becomes more sadistic or less.  An owner becomes more controlling or less.  Sometimes its on the slave side.  Sometimes there is a desire to dive deeper into submission or masochism.. or sometimes the opposite is true.

How many times have you heard the reason for a divorce was, “We just grew apart”.  People take separate paths sometimes and when they do, they tend to grow farther and farther apart.

It’s no one’s fault when your desire takes you in a new direction, nor should we necessarily sacrifice a new understanding of who we want to be, just because it diverges from a road you mapped out with another.

The marriage vow of “until death do you part” has its value.  If you entered into a heterosexual marriage, knowing full well that you are gay, you entered into that marriage as a lie.  All of your promises for a future that would be mapped out together were based on a premise that never existed.  That is an extreme case but it makes my point.  To a lesser degree, there are other examples like this.  If you knew in your heart when you took your vow, that there was something fundamentally flawed right from the start, but you hoped it would work out, then the fault is on you, but also the responsibility to set it right.

In a similar way, we often enter into BDSM relations not fully comprehending the commitment we are making or the degree to which we will need to fight to hold onto that promise.


The cane, its healing power,

The cane is another vicious tool of sadism.  It is easier to control than a whip, but the damage it can do in the hands of an inexperienced person is terrifying.  Never, and I mean truly never, use a full swing with a cane until you know what it can do.

That being said, research in Russian suggests that caning can help some people overcome all sorts of issues – from depression, addiction and weight-loss through to guilt that needs to be exorcised!

Here is at least one person who has already started to cash in on that!


Tying it all together – Saturday, changing, the cane

I have been thinking about Saturday night.  Has my sadist side softened?  Certainly I have laid out the case for believing that everyone changes.  Yet I know that pain, like the cane, has a value, especially for people who are cutters, or have issues with depression.

I have a growing conviction that is reshaping my thinking.  First, I don’t think my sadism has diminished.  Let’s dispense with that right off the bat.  But I do think the Sadist and Master alike go through an adjustment period.

Just as we become more comfortable with our level of sadism over time, as we grow to better understand what it is we achieve with it, so too our level of comfort with pushing the envelope of consent in the Master/slave relation grows more comfortable as we better understand what we can achieve with it.

What I am saying is, while my sadism hasn’t diminished, my level of comfort with what I do with the control of Izrina has grown.  Its another level for me.

I had a talk about this very subject on Saturday with another person, and essentially, I realized that my three areas of slave choice, are really no different from the classic one choice.   The first for the larger measure really only exists for an un-owned slave, and the third is the nuclear option.  Like the cold era policy of MAD ( mutually assured destruction), the third area of a slave choice is so radical, it may never be exercised.  I realize that for all my rationalization, a TPE really is as all encompassing as it sounds.

I still like my three choices better.  The third choice of a slave needs to stand out in our minds, as the nuclear option that we pray is never used  It should be a caution to both Master and slave, the gravity of the mutual destruction that might occur should it be exercised.  It also serves as a notice of just how serious this role of Master becomes.. when an owner grows into the shoes they promised to fill.

Service, or submission? Which comes first, slave?

Michael Makai, famously put forth the notion of the “Warrior Princess” as a slave category.   It was warmly received by slaves who previously felt no one quite understood them.  I remember sitting and speaking with a slave one evening who laughed at the notion.  She fairly spit at the thought.  She didn’t warmly receive his ideas at all.

Why start with this?  Why now?  It starts with the fact that I have long pushed Izrina to do more self evaluation, to dig deeper into her own feelings and communicate these things I need to know, to be a better Master.  I need to understand my slaves motivations, before I can motivate her.

You must ever be mindful to manage the mind, not the body of the slave. ~Xtac Quote

She said to me last night, that she thought perhaps she loved service, more than submission.  She said it so very meekly, knowing my love for her submission, and the power I feel in that exchange.  I sensed that she didn’t want to trample on that, so she approached with caution, less I object, or worse.

Of course inside, I did not receive this thought warmly at all.  My main kink is power exchange.  But a Master does not jump to panic or negatively.  We use patience, love, and the projection of focus on the reality we wish to create.  So I did.

My first thought was that Izrina is impressionable.  It’s like seeing a commercial that says.. Do you wake up tired in the morning, didn’t get enough rest?  And you say.. OH my God!  I have this disease.. what ever it is.. write this down, I need this drug.

That is not to say she is weak.  But she receives the focus people hand her and runs with it.  What do I mean by that?  If she was reading Michael’s work, I would expect her to come back saying she could see some warrior princess in her.  She did mention a recent slave forum discussing something along theses lines.


 

So my new question, my new focus becomes.. Is service more important than submission, for her personally?  What does that mean for our dynamic?  Too soon to say.  We’ve only just begun to unravel this one.  She is just now beginning to really let me in to her most inner self. I too must tread lightly.  We are making progress.  Its important for me to nurture her communication.

I know that may seem odd, but it has been a very long and slow process.  She is a very private person, easily prone to embarrassment.   I love the canvas I am giving a new life to.  For me, at this point in our dynamic, she is like a flower ready to bloom..Each day, she opens a little more, and each change is beautiful.

I can tell you one thing I know about this new subject.  I am who I am.  It doesn’t matter what this means on at least one level.  I will have my way.  I will be a Master, even if I have to push through this in a slow, steady, unrelenting pace.  I have seen the destruction that can occur in a Master-slave relation when there is too much “nurturing”.  I’ll be damned it I’ll let that happen here.  My sacred role will not change.. and therefore, that which feeds me must exist.

I don’t think we are talking about the “broken slave syndrome” here.  If you are not familiar with this, it’s fairly common for a Dominant or Master to find a shy, retiring, submissive or slave and begin to fill them with confidence.  The Dominant is like a therapist, or councilor, “fixing” what is broken, making them happier, healthier, more alive..  What happens next is sad.  Often these Dominants are then cast aside.  I know a few Dominants who have sworn off all “broken” slaves because of this pattern.  But that’s all negative stuff. It can’t happen here.  As Sno would say about something negative.. “erase..erase.. erase..”

Serendipity my friends.. How odd is it then, that a blog I chose to read today, not knowing the subject matter in advance, was very similar.  The title was “What makes me different, I guess” by Sir’s nijntje .  The subject matter was about being a Dominant with everyone but her Sir.  Life brings together odd things at odd times and I always wonder why.  Why now.. Why this person.. what potential has the universe created this time and what will I make of it?

Serendipity happens. I often wonder why the people I come into contact with, were presented in that time and place. How will this weave into the fabric that will become the lessons of this life? ~ X Quote

Now I have more to ponder…I wonder.. do strong persons, who submit to one person and one person only, submit to only to one person for the pleasure of service? Or is it more complicated?, Perhaps a need to find a comfortable place in the hierarchies of power that surround us?  Why one person?  Does it matter if submission is a means to service?  How does that change the dynamic, and the motivations?

Makai had this to say on the subject: A typical submissive lives to serve. She likely grew up believing that service to the people you care for is how you express your love for them. It had little or nothing to do with relationship dynamics, sex, kink, or anything anywhere near that complicated. It is a simple, sweet principle of love: If you care for someone, you do nice things for that person. It makes you feel better, it makes him feel better, and it makes the world – or at least your little corner of it – a better place for a time.” ― Michael Makai, The Warrior Princess Submissive

There is a kernel of truth in there.  Perhaps a submissive or slave who desires to serve one person only, does so because this is their highest truth.  To express love, they MUST do so through service.  It makes sense.  A true Dominant can understand this, because in a very real sense, we serve those who serve us.  We do this with constant love, attention, and patience.  We do this with guidance, nurturing, and care.  WE who are good Masters in a very real sense, serve only one, our slaves.

There are many slaves who are personally strong. If you have been around a really good alpha slave, one who trains other slaves, you know this is true.  I think the best example though is myself.  As a manager, I enjoy my interactions with my direct reports, my employees, but I am equally good in supporting the person I report to.

In a very real sense I am both Dominant in one direction, and submissive in another, yet I have no issue with this.  I have no craving for more power, no desire to climb the corporate ladder so to speak.  I am quite comfortable with this role in my life.  In most things, I bristle when I must submit to authority, but because the person I report to respects and appreciates my competence, and trusts me to handle what I am delegated without micromanaging me, I am OK with this position.

Hmmm I am definitely not of a slave mentality… taking this further, using myself as a guide, does that mean that persons who serve only one are submissive rather than slave?  Bah!  Stupid idea.. forget I said it.

I have a disadvantage in reading Izrina.  A HUGE disadvantage.  Master’s take note… When she is with me, she is always submissive to my authority.  I can’t see how she interacts with her co-workers and bosses.  I wish I could be a fly on the wall and observe that.

That is my disadvantage, and really, its a disadvantage all Master’s share. I am curious how she is with other people when I am not around.  I know that I can’t assume she is as meek with them, as she is with me.  It’s definitely an area to ponder, and to investigate as best as can be, from discussions about her day… Her day.. hmmmm

Her day.. a side note.  You know I think that what we give focus to is important.  When I first started applying my creative touches to she who is my canvas, and we would discuss her day, it usually started with a rant about her bosses and sometimes her co-workers.  That bothered me because her main focus, what she brought back from the day, was anger and frustration.  She may not have realized this before, but she will when she reads this:  Her focus has been a lot less angry.  Oh! She still gets pissed off by the same stupid jerks, but its not the first thing she runs to anymore about her day.. and that is a good thing.  It means she is finding her appreciations, discarding her frustrations, taking responsibility for happiness, and yes – generally less angry after work.. all progress that I am pleased to see and report.  This is a direct result of my managing her mind, not her body.  I pleased with the results.  She is a generally happier person for it.

Much of the wisdom I share is from years of discussion and life.  This is a new question I have handed to my muse.. the part that has all the answers.  It’s odd.  I don’t know if the muse is part of me, or a connection to something much bigger, but the muse always has answers..  LOL!  my muse is scolding me.. of course its something bigger..  It’s hard to explain this inner guide.. The harder I try to put it to words, the less sense it makes…Maybe this works better for you..

Doing the right thing, is always the right thing to do. ~Xtac Quote

What is right, is always right in front of me, if I listen. ~Xtac Quote

Hope there was some things of value in there for you as a Master or a slave..  things that help you craft a better relation.  Or.. if that is not your purpose in reading, a better life. Carpe Diem my friends.. Go be someone’s great day..

The cost of my world

My brother recently mentioned that he was thinking of writing.  He wanted to put some important thoughts to paper.  In the course of our conversation, I suggested he might want to check out my “core values” piece on my “about page” in my blog, this blog.

I hadn’t invited him to check it out before now, since my BDSM side seems to be a mild irritant.  Every time I would visit, some toy would come out of the bag.  Bull whips, or violet wands, or butterfly knives, or fire wands.. it was always something with me. So he asked me to please just tone it down a little.

So yeah, I wasn’t pushing my blog, but I thought the core values might be something he’d be interested in. I think he read a bit more than the “core values” piece because he made some very complimentary comments about the blog and among his text messages was one like this: “I was so impressed with the amount of time and thought you have put into the blog.  It seems to be a very stabilizing and clarifying force in your life.”

Hmmmm “stabilizing and clarifying”.  That part kinda felt like a negative.  Like somehow my life was this undulating mess of weirdness that needed focus and explanation to make sense.  So I did what I do.  I thought about it for a while.  Here’s what I think now.  In a sense, my life IS pure anarchy and insanity from certain perspectives and seeing this, I now have a new quote:

The price of admission into my world is, at the very least, to grasp the concepts of my reality. ~ Xtac Quote

Take a saying all too familiar in the BDSM community.  “I have found freedom in my chains”.  To most, this is at best asinine and at worst evil.  Yet we understand and accept it completely.  It makes perfect sense to those who crave the comfort of having someone else in charge.

In a very real sense, when I write, I am writing not just for those who understand the freedom of chains, but I also am trying to build a bridge across the gorge that stands between BDSM and those who’s reality is based on relations grounded in equality; who’s highest expression of social justice is to do battle with any inequality.

The battle for equality based on age, religion, gender, and sexual orientation has left some wounds that will take generations to heal.  As in any battle, neither side who has done battle, ever truly trusts the other.  It takes a fresh generation, born into a world without these wounds to create a world in which there are no battle scars to nurse.

Having fought so hard for the promise of equality, throwing it all way on some kink like power exchange must seem foolish and a betrayal to some.  My reality is not uniquely my own, but neither is it  a standard that can be easily accepted by those who worship at the alter of equality.  Now, I am not saying that is my brother’s reality.. I am just using this as an example.

Understanding my reality comes at a price.  Equality is NOT my highest expression of social freedom.  It (equality) is merely the starting point, the place from which you can negotiate any life you wish. You have to understand certain things to grasp my world.  When I Dominate my girl, I am giving her a gift.  That is so alien to some, that while they may hear the words, they may not be able to accept this as reality.  It is more like a fantasy, an alternate universe, a mental aberration, anything other than something that fits neatly into the world they understand.  How can anyone appreciate, being bossed around?  Can they truly be thankful for that?  The answer is, Yes!  (followed by Thank you Master)

So in some ways, I am clarifying my thoughts, aligning them with others, looking for the bridges to other ways of thinking. Not that I plan to cross over.. I am very happy on my side of those bridges.  I like my reality.  I love my way of looking at things much better, thank you very much.  I don’t expect to be able to be freely “out of the closet” with my way of living any time soon though. Maybe not even in my lifetime.

It would be cool is I could walk down the street with my slave and instead of holding hands I would have her on a leash and a collar.. and people would say.. awww… they look so cute together.  See?  Alien thoughts.  You see something like that and your first thought isn’t how in love we are.

Maybe someday, but that reality is so far off in the future, even I can’t imagine a day when that might happen.

Carpe Diem my friends, Go be someones great day!

Monogamy and BDSM, part 4

In Part one I said this:  Many an experienced owner and slave play in scenes.  A scene is quite different than starting a BDSM relation, but still, a scene has a certain level of penetration.. even if it isn’t physically sexual. 

I do this.  I used to do fire: play quite a bit and was known all over the Hudson Valle area for it.  I stopped.  I had become a carnival ride, every night I had a bunch of people waiting to be next.  I was hard to fit in my slave, who very much wanted to be on the list.  So I just stopped doing it every weekend in a dungeon.

Then there is the event at the North East Power Exchange.  I did a scene with Raven Pup. The rest of this paragraph in its original form has been deleted.

Never fear, you aren’t missing much and I’ve replaced it with better content.  Before I published part four, I let Irina read it because in this deleted paragraph, I spoke of her reaction to that scene.  She asked if I could remove it.  I said I would think about it.  Then I explained that if she and I are ever going to compete in the NE power exchanges, she needs to be ready to speak not only about what works in our relation, but also when we have issues.. our dirty laundry.. because others can learn the most from our mistakes.  If others are going to learn from us, they need to hear about our problems, and how we resolved them, so they can figure out if our solutions might work for them as well.  And then she said something about me being a dark, scary, sexy Master.. This paragraph, along with a hard look at our lives and the conversation that followed, achieved the objective I was looking for.. it brought my canvas another inch closer to the slave I want her to be.  There was nothing shocking..in there.  Oh.. I did ask why she didn’t like the paragraph and she said.. it was open ended.. and I said so it either needs to be deleted or there needs to be more detail.. (grins)  the social sadist in me couldn’t resist that second option..more detail.. Her reaction was quite, hmmmm, pleasing to me.  She hasn’t read the replacement paragraph..want to take bets if she decides she was happier with the original? I return you now to our blog already in progress….

When Izrina and I met, I was a carnival ride.  Now I am not.  But I never committed to ending my scenes with others in the Dungeons.  I also hope one day to open the “House of X”.  How can you do all that, and stay monogamous?

The answer is quite clearly, you can’t on some level.  The fact that there was unhappiness about a scene, was an indication we clearly need to do a lot more talking about the future and monogamy.  Choices.  To settle and stay or go?  And questions.. are you settling?  I know Izrina.. the thought of giving me up will scare the hell out of her.  But by the same token, I don’t want her to settle for something she doesn’t want, just because she has it in her head that she wants me to be the one to Dominate her.  The question of compatibility is a problem everyone faces.

You love someone, and you want to be with them..but in the Master/slave relation you are faced with difficult decisions about compatibility.  A slave may have hard limits but in a sense, so does an Owner.  There are some things we just are not prepared to give up for the rest of our lives.  I won’t give up the S&M scenes I choose to do, and I won’t give up my dream for the House of X.  And that brings us to the question of the slaves scenes..


So.. just how OK is it to let your slave do scenes in a Dungeon?  Like some many things in life, one answer does not fit all situations.

Loaned for oral service or other sex – This is my personal take, but I say Hell No.  That body and all its holes are mine and I am not sharing.  It’s personal.  For me, the answer will always be a resounding Hell No!  There is a value here though.. letting a slave know that they are property.. and some might get off on it..but I don’t.  A slave who wants to be passed around like that isn’t for me.  I won’t be a cuckold.  Not now, not ever.

Allowed to try another style in a casual scene –  I do a bit of rope work.  I even do suspension.  But I am by no means a dedicated rope artist.  Every Dominant has  their style and talents.  I see no reason to keep my slave from experiencing those other styles and levels of talent so they can tell me what they liked and didn’t like..it helps me to get better.

By the same token, I like doing a scene with others.  The risk of emotional penetration is very high.  If however your own relation is rich and rewarding that risk is lowered.  When you have a good life, you will feel no regrets, no desire to end your commitment.  When the Dominant you serve feeds your submission to you, so that you desire to return, there can be little to tear you apart.  So I say have at it.. enjoy the casual experience of a new style or level of experience.

And what if your relation is not everything you want?  What if you already harbor regrets?  What then?  Is it better to hide your head in the sand, keep yourself from happy moments so you don’t see the shit in your life?  I say no.  If two people plan to make something special, then a casual try at another style should not be a threat to worry about.  And if you are lying to yourself about your happiness, if you are settling, then you have some serious decisions to make.

Passing a slave on to another Master – This is a yes and no kind of thing.  I have passed my slave on into the control of another for various reasons.  A trip to beyond leather in Florida.. the key to her collar was entrusted to another for that trip.  that time is was  Sno.  I gave her into the hands of another, just for the experience, as part of her training.  That was Dr Bob.  At the NE Power Exchange, I had to duck out for a moment.. so I put her in the hands of Master Karl.  There are times and places where another owner is helpful for protection, or for experience and training..  It is NOT OK in my book to just hand over a slave because someone wants to use them, unless that is a kink you both want.  That kink is not my kink.  I will not endure being a cuckold. Just my two cents on that one.

Scenes with deeper roots – Sometimes the top or bottom or both are nursing deep affections. Take Raven and I.. there is something happening there.  She has a deep and abiding love for me and Izrina knows it.  We all know it.  Raven’s owner knows it, and I know it.  There are four people involved here and to date, I’ve never crossed any line that would put the relations of those four people into jeopardy.  I have mixed feelings about this kind of thing.  On one side, there is a risk. On the other side, I deeply love my scenes with Raven, and to justify my behavior, I fall back on this quote:

The idea of love being limited and a commodity to be fiercely guarded is a concept that I don’t understand. ~ Slave_Shylah

I collected that quote so long ago, I don’t even recall my relation to this slave.  But I do still love the sentiment.  I often speak of the unbearable and limitless amount of love that can pour through you when you open yourself as a conduit for love.  I think we fear the loss of our loved ones too much, so this quote applies:

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

Risking it all – Really, there is no difference between the married person who gets permission to try BDSM, and the Master or slave who has a very deep and intimate relation with someone else.

There is a very real risk that these bonds may destroy the existing relation, or cause a person to settle for more than they know they could have.  They are unhappy with what they have but faced with destroying the existing relation.  IF you find yourself in this situation it is something you have to decide how to handle within your ethics and if you are with someone, nilla or not, its something you have to talk about together.

A great relation, nilla or not, has to have that level of communication, of trust, of honesty. Without these, it is not a great relation, and that alone makes your decision much easier.  If you have these, then commitment takes over and fear should subside.  Ultimately, if your love exceeds your need, as the Dalai Lama suggests, then your happiness is their happiness and there is nothing to fear at all.


I wish sometimes it was a more perfect world and everyone was capable of placing the happiness of those we love before our own needs. While I am wishing this  I am reminded of my own admonishment that my values and views of the world, are not anothers.  I am also just struck with the four priorities.. The needs of the slave come before the wants of the Master, but the wants of the Master come before the wants of the slave.  Hmmmm how does that fit into this?  Life is complex.. but living it should not be.  In the path of your happiness, guided by ethics and a commitment to good choices, the right thing to do is always right in front of you.

So that’s it my friends..My thoughts on Monogamy and BDSM, in four.. count em.. four parts.  Wow.. deep subject.  Aren’t you glad I didn’t try to fit it into one piece?   I have important Master stuff to do now.. so Carpe Diem… go be someone’s great day.

Monogamy and BDSM, part 3

Up until now, I’ve been talking about what you “should do”.  Let’s talk about this whole “should do” stuff.  Just because a person should do these things.. just because you might do these things yourself, absolutely does not mean that others will.

One of the biggest, most stupid mistakes we make is to judge others by our own standards.  We often think that because we are trustworthy, other will inherently be so too.  And it is fairly common for lairs and cheats to think that everyone is a lair and an cheat.  The way we see our world colors the way we see think others see the world.  It is all too easy and common to make the mistake of thinking that the way you see things, is the way others will.. this is not so.  Absolutely, definitely not so!

THIS is what Vile is railing about. Some Dominants are just plain fucking dirt bags.  Your values are not theirs.  They are strangers in every sense of the word. The way they see things is 180 degrees from the way you see it.  They are going to use you, and dump you.  They won’t use that slow, gentle, irresistible force that moves mountains, that pushes and shapes you into a happy slave. You expect that because its how it “should be”.  But because they have no patience and they have no staying power and they are fucking dirt bags, you might blindly go into their trap.  I’d like to add my warnings to Vile’s well published ones… Do not assume your values are anothers!  Its so damned easy to forget to remember. You owe it to yourself to figure out what you are dealing with, without making assumptions.

One more thing on this.  It is not always the Dominant’s fault that a collar of consideration fails.  If you have “quirks”, you must communicate that up front.  Maybe its bi-polar meds, or a childhood triggers.  ANY trigger that might suppress your slave side should be discussed.  A Dominant who is blind sided by these things might not react as well as they would have, had this been discussed early on.

That being said, I can’t stress strongly enough how I feel about the three traditional collars, about taking your time, about not falling prey to sub-frenzy, about building trust through observed honesty, about not being the slave you need to be until after you have satisfied your need to know what you are dealing with.


We touched briefly on poly as a way of making your life work.  I have a story to tell, which kind of covers how I feel about this subject:

There once was a woman who had a cat.  She and the cat were very close.  When she would come home, the cat would sit in her lap, and she would stroke it and the cat would purr loudly, and she and the cat were very happy. 

One day the cat had kittens and they were all very, very cute.  The woman gave away most of the kittens but two were just so adorable, so she kept them. 

And now when she came home, one cat sat on the back of the couch behind her head, and one in her lap and one by her side..sometimes.. because the cats all fought for her attention, and though she loved all three very much, she was never as close to her first cat ever again.

That story illustrates perfectly how I feel about poly.  We have only so much time to share in our lives and the more people we bring into our lives, the less close we can be with those people. I know this, and still one day I hope to establish the “House of X”.  A place where those who desire a pure service role.. no sex with the Master..can live.  My thought is that in such a setting, a slave could establish a romantic relation with another slave, which the owner is not part of.  One day, perhaps, we shall see.

I am not against poly per se.  What I am against is anything that sets up boundaries between a Master and slave.  I want those walls torn down.. within reason of course.  Nothing but raw direct honest communication should exist between Master and slave.


And finally, we come to “loaning” your slave for Dungeon scenes.. or allowing yourself the luxury of enjoying a slave in a Dungeon scene (such as I did at the North East Power Exchange with Raven).  If you are with someone who is anticipating a monogamous Master slave relation, these things can raise concerns.  If you are now sensing a little behind the blog discussion between Izrina and I on that very subject ..hmmm you may be right.  But, so sorry.. I hit my word limit again tonight on this subject… let’s finally get to that in part 4, tomorrow.

 

Monogamy and BDSM, part 2

You probably know my friend, Vile from the kinky world of Vile.  Now Vile often rails quite emotionally against cheaters and for good reason…They are usually dirt bags.  You don’t suck another person into an intense encounter with promises you have no intention of keeping, and create emotional bonds that you have no desire to support, just for sex.  A slave is meant to be used, but that use is in return for all the things that the dirt bag has no intention of supplying.

That being said, a few people of my acquaintance have maintained BDSM relations outside of their marriage.. Let’s see, there is a lady who loves to spank, a bottom to a rope lover top, and poly woman who mostly tops, to name a few.  It works for them.  In these cases, those folks have a long term BDSM relation that is still going strong.  Does their spouse know?  Not sure.  Wasn’t my place to ask.  I know the people in the BDSM side are happy, and planning to stay together.

From My Core Beliefs, number four of ten:  Thou shall be  mindful that honesty does not require that you to respond to a demand for information, but trust does.  The building blocks of trust, are honesty.

Here is the point of that reference.. If you don’t trust someone, and you know that they may use information against you, then you have no ethical obligation to provide them with that ammunition.. You must still be honest… since this should be a core value, but you should not volunteer the bullets to shoot you with.  You are allowed to stay tight lipped.

And how, you may ask, does that apply to this conversation?   Glad you asked.  IF you desire to have a BDSM relation, and your spouse isn’t interested, then you would have to go outside that relation to get it.. that’s pretty straight forward.

Now where that reference comes into play is that your spouse should pretty much fall onto one side of that equation or the other.. either you can trust them with your needs and your desire to go outside the relation for BDSM, or you can’t trust them.. you know they will take that ammunition and shoot you in the head.

So let’s look a little deeper.  If your spouse is the second type, the one that can’t be trusted, then you have to ask yourself, why the hell are you not pressing for divorce?  Really!  Just get the fuck out.  If you have no real communication with a person then no excuse under MY sun could make me stay committed to staying in that relation.

It goes without saying that if you are married, there once was a time you trusted this person, but people change, and people make bad decisions, addictions can destroy everything, and what was once good, can turn very, very bad. So get out.  When two people become one the worse life that has to offer is not so bad.  When the worse life has to offer is what one of you has become, that’s very, very bad.  For better or worse, applies to the first situation, not the second.

What if your spouse can be trusted, and is loving, caring and wants to see you happy?  They may allow you to go outside the marriage for your BDSM experience, but I have to tell you that they are a fool.  The bonds and desires you will create are far stronger than any simple craving for sex.  And if you DO take them up on such an agreement, it is highly likely you will find this to be true yourself.

Time and time again, a no body fluid bonding agreement has resulted in an BDSM experience so rich, that the spouse ended up wanting to leave anyway.  Maybe to live it 24×7, or maybe because they realized the lie of staying with a person they no longer loved as much as their BDSM partner.

In other words, damned if you do and damned if you don’t.  I could have just agreed with Vile and said leave.. but I wanted to build the case..show you that logically you must reach a point of decision and that decision should have consequences and all of it has to be aligned with your life and your ethics.

It’s a pretty shitty person who makes sure they have the next relationship lined up before they drop the current one.  But by the same token, if you have a house, and children with someone, you may just want to try out BDSM for the purpose of determining if its worth all the heartache of taking apart what you’ve built. Its OK to want to live life on your terms, and it makes sense to feel badly about yourself for a while if you discover that you do need to leave, but you should feel like a really, really big shit if you discover you need to leave, and don’t.

Living life on your terms, while sharing life with another person is a complex thing.  I don’t have all the answers because everyone’s situation is different.  It is entirely possible that you need to go poly.  More on that later, but briefly:  It is possible that one partner will give you what you need of one thing, and another partner will give you what you need of another thing.  Life is never simple.

For most people though, I think monogamy is a touch stone and it almost always boils down to just leaving.  You have to because you want it all.  Just remember: DO NOT compromise your ethics while you are making plans to not compromise your desires.   If you come to the realization you need to change our life, do it in a way that is within your personal ethics.

But what about scenes with no sex in a dungeon??.. Does monogamy preclude you from enjoying those BDSM encounters?   What about Masters that want two slaves?  Well, lets cover that in part 3..  Izrina got in late.. and I started watching “Secretary” while I was missing her, which made me miss her even more.. I have some important Dom things to do..