Cup is half full

You cannot live on this earth for very long and not hear someone pose the question:  Is the cup half full or half empty?

It annoys me, this smug little bit of supposed philosophical inquiry.  Let me share with you what Master X does with those who choose to toy with me this way.  My response to this question is a question of my own:  Am I drinking from this cup or pouring into it?

You see, the cup is nothing until we interact with it.  Life is a series of interactions, people brought together by seemingly random events.  But nothing is random.  The red light you run puts you 60 seconds ahead on your schedule and places you one mile up the highway, where you might miss or be part of an multi-car accident.  Each decision takes us to the next, a series of domino, falling to the stored potential of gravity, triggered by the momentum of the last fall.

If I am drinking from the cup it is half empty.  I created this condition.  If I am pouring into it my cup is half full.  It is in that moment a statement of my interaction with it.

I don’t believe in empty cups.  There is no such thing.  My cup is always full, be it full of air or full of liquid, my cup runneth over.  I am ever thankful that I can be a vessel for all the love I can bear.  I am a conduit through which all possibilities can flow, I am tied to the infinite, as we all are.  It is just that some of us don’t see it as clearly as others.

In BDSM, I express my need to share this discovery, to know that in a very real way I have made at least one life better, I have passed on the secrets that have been revealed to me.  It pains me that more are not happy, more are not free from their self imposed chains.  We want so much.. a significant other, money, job, a home, children.. we want and we want.

We seek to fill our cups, but the cup was already full.  We displace that which was already there with the things we put into our cups.  Life is a mystery and it is not.  It is as simple as just living it, and it is not that simple.

When pursuing the mysteries of life; seeking higher truths, remember that every real truth is a paradox. This is why, the smarter we get, the less we know. ~Xtac Quote

There are no empty cups.  Cups are neither half full nor half empty.  Cups are an expression of our interaction with the world around us.  The trick to life is to learn to drink deeply from a cup full of air.  Master that my friends, and you have the world by the balls.

Carpe Diem.. Drink deeply..

The lover and the beloved

A young gentleman who reads this blog, wrote to me privately.  There is a young lady he would like to develop a closer, more personal relationship with.  There was a gentleman who had similar feelings and designs on a young lady who is a friend of my daughter’s. In my youth, I found myself in this situation numerous times.  Oddly, this problem no longer reaches me.

On a number of occasions throughout my life, I took a fancy to wild, care-free, beautiful women that I wanted for myself.  It seemed to me that the deep desire and passion that I had for these women was in itself something that should be, if not returned, at the very least valued.  When you hold unrequited love close to your heart, you wonder why the object of your affect does not appreciate all the love you could pour out upon them, if they only invited your love into their life.  You wonder:  Doesn’t all this love I have for them have value?   Sadly, the answer is no.

Loving someone who does not love you back is the sound of one hand clapping.  Unrequited love is extremely painful and it leads to jealousy.  It is the ultimate rose,  blossoming among thorns.  A beauty that tears at your heart, begging for understanding.  What would my older self say to my younger self, to help me understand?   The dawning of understanding came when I first read this passage from “The ballad of the Sad Cafe”:.

“First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world — a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring — this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else — but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

I came to realize that there is in every great love, two parties: The lover and the beloved.  The lover seeks his or her happiness from the beloved.  The beloved is an object, something that brings forth happiness, simply from its possession.   The lover kisses and the beloved enjoys the kiss, but does the beloved feel love in return?  Often not.  Often the beloved realizes they are just the object that the lover obsesses over, and as such they feel a stripping away of themselves, they feel used and drained, as if the lover was a vampire sucking away at their happiness.

How then do we solve this problem?  How do we love without pulling at the one we love?  The answers are both simple and yet complex.  They can be summed up in simple quotes and yet if these quotes do not fill your heart with understanding then these quotes become mere words, useless and meaningless.

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

Just remember that what you seek you will not find, but in the path of your happiness, when you are loving life the most, what you were seeking will find you. ~ Xtac Quote

These two quotes speak to me of the need to be who and what we are at all times, defining our worth by what we bring to a relationship, and not define our worth by the relationship itself. They tell me that we must take personal responsibility for our happiness.   That we must bring all the happiness we create in to a relationship, adding to and multiply the joy of another.  We must never simply take our happiness from a relationship.  We must be both lover and beloved.  You must add as much as you take, and your love is not what you add. What you add are moments of happiness that is long remembered later, laughter and life that is shared.

Have you ever noticed that when you are single, you can’t find someone to be with, but when you are with someone then suddenly you are surrounded by people who it would be nice to be with?  This happens exactly because what you seek you will not find, but in your content moments, what you were seeking finds you.

I often say that the person who is the life of the party, the one who is laughing and joking and doesn’t care if anyone likes them or not, is the one surrounded by people who want to be with them.  This person, who did not care if they had a friend in the world, has all the friends anyone could want.  The one who sits in the corner, envious of all that attention will have no friends.  No one wants to be with the brooding, needy  person in the corner.  The “life of the party” got this way because they let go, they did not cling to a desire, they made their happiness, they projected that strength, and in doing so drew others to them.

In love, I am like a mirror. This is not a simple metaphor. It has taken me years to understand how to be a good lover. A mirror lives for interaction. When engaged, it is present, totally in the moment, and when left, does not pine or cling for the next interaction. No, a mirror is, completely content to just be, and like a mirror, when a lover comes to me, I am truth reflected, need reflected. I am all that you bring: desire, passion, compassion. I am there for, and completely with you; focused on and in that moment. There is much more, but put simply, to be a good lover, I must be a mirror. ~Xtac Quote

The mirror metaphor is the absolute best guide I have come up with on how to be a good lover.  It shapes my interactions with more than a lover.  You need to be fully engaged with everyone around you, not in a speaking role but in a listening.  Like a mirror, you reflect that which is brought to you.   You need to make a full life, interacting with what ever life brings you, and you must make wonderful moments of what ever life brings you.  It is in this path of not clinging, but being fully there in the moment of each interaction, of making your joy and bringing it to each encounter, that you become the strong and desirable “life of the party”,  the one others gravitate to because you have something special to offer.

Like the delicate grip of a fencer, who must balance their swords without holding too tightly, if you would be a person who attracts what you desire most, you must let go before it can come to you.

Does that mean you will attract the one you have passion for?  Maybe not.  But if you are living a rich and full life, surrounded by happiness you have created, what does it matter if the plans you laid do not come to pass?  Don’t look further than inside you for happiness.

The universe is an amazing thing and often brings unexpected joys from unforeseen places.  Make your happiness, let go of what you think you must have, and embrace what you do have.. oddly you will find that by doing this, you will have more than you ever could have hoped for.

Attracting what you seek is not created by desire, neediness or plans.  What you desire comes to you by projecting quiet strength, confidence in yourself, humility, and appreciation for the little moments of life.  All of this is already inside you.  Remember that you are free to choose but not free to choose the outcome of your choosing. Let go of the outcome.  Love the little moments what ever they may bring.  In the pursuit of loving life, your happiness and much more will find you.

Carpe Diem my friends,  Go make a great day, by being someone’s great day.

Your focus can solve or cause problems

This blog is about my brother.. a continuation if you will, of yesterday’s blog.  I am tackling this one though as I frequently do, via an indirect path.   I want to start with this video of Madonna’s woman of the year acceptance speech.

What everyone should do, is choose wisely, that which they focus their attention, passion, and energy upon. ~Xtac Quote

I have always liked Madonna.. Her music, her daring.  When she talks about the troubles of her life, that is what she is giving focus to..  and so we respond to it, we acknowledge that say, Prince had it better, easier, was more accepted.  That wasn’t my reality, I didn’t think, he was cool, but she is a slut..but she thought many of us thought that.. or at least enough to lash out at it.

I always thought of Madonna as a woman who was strong.  I thought of her as a person who didn’t care what other people think..   what other people think…

You see what I did there?  I began to shape your thoughts about this video, and who I am, by what I chose to focus on.

Often, what we focus on shapes the conversation.  What we give focus to becomes the backdrop against which all other things are discussed.  Highly successful people often flat out refuse to acknowledge failures.  Not because they didn’t happen, but because when you acknowledge failure, that is the beginning, the very first crack in the door to focusing on that failure.  It invites discussion and discussion invites examination, and more examination begins to take the form of focus, and focus shapes reality.

So.. the highly successful focus on accomplishment, on achievement, on motivating people to focus on the goals they share.

You can quietly acknowledge to yourself, your failures.  Its important to be realistic, to know your limitations, to learn from past mistakes.  But we who would be successful, keep these to ourselves because what we focus on shapes our reality.

So it is, that when I focused on the negatives of my brothers text, he responded to my focus.  His first message was overwhelmingly positive, but I took two words and chose to describe them as “negative”.  His second message was a reaction and it was predictable if you gave this even a moment of thought.   No.. negative did not compound a negative.  Our second conversation was quite positive in fact.. but my focus had shaped the nature of our next discussion, the starting point where we would resume speaking.

So it is that what we focus on, can solve problems, or it can create problems.  When I walked past a pretty girl, projecting strength and authority and received in return a warm come hither smile.. I was experiencing the power of projection.  We project both non-verbally and verbally.. but we need to be aware that we are always projecting and what we project, people react to.

Let’s look at this another way… The man who admires his woman creates an inner beauty in her.  As you admire her, she responds and returns to you,  a more sexy and seductive woman.  The man who does not see his woman as desirable will ultimately reap what he sows and she will become as ugly inside, as he has made her feel on the outside.  Its another abject lesson in the power of focus.

Do we ignore reality to create a false focus?  Have you not been listening?  We create focus so that it may become our reality.

I like what Madonna said about not owning anything, that she owes all that she is to a high power.. I liked when she said, “I am a different kind of feminist.  I am a bad feminist”.   There!  I did it again.. I was shaping your opinions by making you react to my focus. Those were positives so your reaction should be positive. If I pick only negatives, you would naturally gravitate to my negatives.

I like when my brother said he liked my new quote.. that was a positive.  I’ll focus on those.   I won’t focus anything my brother or Madonna said that was negative.  Not because I wish to invalidate their experience or observation but because I don’t want to bring my focus on their negatives.  I don’t believe in giving energy to negatives.  I believe in action about negatives.. and if the time comes to act on a negative I will.. but I won’t give focus, and therefore a life and energy to negatives.

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. ~ Quote, Mahatma Gandhi

And how does this apply to Masters and slaves?  It means that if you, as a Master, observe a negative in your slave, you either act on it to correct it, or you give focus to a positive in your slave.  Better yet do both.  You will be an infinitely better Master if you follow this advice.

And if you are a slave, and you feel negative feelings regarding your assigned tasks or yourself, you should act to change those feelings. You do this with by choising what you will give your focus to.  Make your focus be a positive perspective.

Gandhi was made to clean toilets because he was a lawyer and such work was beneath and him and it was reasoned that such a thing might break him.  He did of course live in a world divided by the caste system.  But he thanked his jailers and they could not understand how he had arrived at thanking them.  And he essentially said that they had shown him a trap he had created for himself, and when he saw it, he knew that he did not have to accept it.  So instead of focusing on the trap they laid for him, he focused on doing a very good job of cleaning toilets and taking pride in it.  By doing so, he could both avoid the trap they had laid to break him and still could honestly  say “thank you” to his jailers for what they had done for him. Not “to him”, but “for him”.

You see my friends, with focus and right thought, we can always find our happy place.  We can always give focus in a way that shapes a better reality.  Or we can help create our own problems..  The choice is entirely in our own hands.. Carpe Diem my friends.. Go be someone’s great day.

Manipulation, trust & slave happiness

A psychologist would probably be horrified at the emotional manipulations I put my slave through, but it works for us. I wrote of trust, and how sometimes I might combine my sadist side with my gentleman side.  In a similar way, I sometimes appear to be mean to my slave, but I am in fact manipulating her emotional state into a different place, a better place, a better outcome, if you will.  I am not fond of calling this manipulation, as this conjures up all sorts of negatives but I don’t have a better word at this moment. What follows is a semi-fictional accounting of how this might work.


ANGRY – The door opened and my slave entered, tossing her keys in a way that told me she was clearly not in the best of moods.  A long day at work had resulted in this ugliness.  The energy coming from her was intense, negative, and poisonous.  She was ready to unload all of the anger and hurt that she had saved up from a tough day at work.

UPSET- Instead of consoling her I emotionally slap her.  Instead of agreeing that she had good reason to be angry, I disregarding her feelings entirely.   I order her to kneel in front of me and suck my cock.  As an obedient slave  with a lot on her mind, what choice does she have?  Upset, she must now shift gears from serving those who pay her, to serving the one she would have Dominate her.

UNHAPPY – This was not the greeting she expected, or wanted.  How could Master be so calloused, so uncaring, as to think only of himself when she needed to be comforted?  Best to perform this oral service and get it out of the way, then perhaps retreat into a hot shower followed by a  glass of wine.

DISTRACTED – Her heart is not in this service, as I knew it would not be.  Now I point this out to her, that she is not joyful in this task.  A handful of hair and I force her to stop.  Now comes the guilt, the sense that she has failed.  Perhaps a slight sense its my fault for not caring.  I send her to shower and to fresh up.

DISGRACED – I follow her to the bathroom, making sure she feels this strongly.  I remind her that a slave finds happiness in service.  I am driving home her sense of shame, her disappointment in herself. Indirectly, I am questioning if she is a slave.  I listen, poke, prod, until I know she wants to beat herself up.  But I won’t let her.  She may not punish herself.  That is my right and providence.  I just need her to want to punish herself.

HUMBLE – I leave her to finish her shower, and reflect on things.  I pour a glass of wine, set it beside me, and wait.  She emerges from the shower, steam rolling from the warm wetness of the room.  Her eyes turned down, she is humbled just a bit, uncertain where I will lead her next. There are lessons that run all through what I do.

REBORN – Again I have her kneel before me, I hand her the glass, command her to take a sip, then put it back down, and pat the couch indicating she should come sit beside me.  The person who walked in minutes ago, filled with anger and ugliness is gone.

HAPPINESS – Now finally she is in a frame of mind to come and be held, to feel protected, and let the day’s frustrations drop away.  I’ve manipulated her feelings up and down a roll coaster ride, and she has come to the end of it exhausted but ready at last to just let it all pass.  At times I may feel badly for what I put her through, but I do it for what is achieved.  In my arms she can now rest and be at peace.  I run my fingers through her hair and she stirs under my touch.  Gone is the anger, the negativity, the pain, and frustration.  We will discover tonight a deeper level of submission, a stronger bond, a more loving relation, in a home that is a shelter from the troubles of the world.  We will rediscover what is so easily forgotten in the drama of this world, that our happiness is found in the simple pleasures of this life.  If this is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

 

Slavery during personal tragedy

When you are the proud owner of a consensual slave, you will find yourself at some point dealing with a person who has suffered a tragic loss.  Now tragedies come in all sizes, large and small.  When a person loses a loved one, this is one of those large tragedies.  Even if we have a spiritual perspective on these things: that eternal life is ours and that we can not be separated forever by death, there is still the loss of your loved ones comforting voice, their laugh, and their warm embrace.  It brings into focus the question – what is real?  Too often, pain seems more real than joy.

The single most important thing I teach, is how to be happy. I insist on speaking of this to those close around me.  I desire that those in close proximity to me, be pleasant, happy, and fulfilled.  The two greatest things you can learn are “How to be happy”, and “How to make good decisions”.  Nothing else you learn is as important as these.  You would think every formal education system would include this in their curriculum.  Happiness no doubt eludes even you, my dear reader, from time to time.  For all my wisdom, it eludes me as well, when I lose my way.  As fulfilled as I am, there are times I lose my way, forget what I know, and what I have learned.

Happiness is always just a change in perspective away.  Saying this is much easier than being this. I keep a sports car, a convertible, for pleasant drives on summer days.  One particularly bad winter, the shelter in which it is kept partially collapsed.  My daughter was greatly concerned for how I would handle this.  I like to think that I rose to the challenge, and demonstrated back to those around me, what I preach.  Granted, losing a beloved possession is not the same as losing a loved one, but neither is it a simple thing to find our happiness when faced with these kinds of things.  It helps to think of these things as a challenge to prove that we can walk the walk.  Hmmm – losing a beloved possession.  That phrase takes on special meaning when you are a slave owner – but I digress.

My slave has had losses recently.  She is a person who values her privacy.  She doesn’t like when I share tidbits from her life, but I do it anyway.  I reason, that if I own her, I own it all.. I own her body, her mind, and her will.  All are mine to do with as I please, and we need to get past any point where this is contested.  It needs to be accepted with trust and simple humility.  But this slavery is also consensual and mutual happiness is the goal, so I balance her desire for privacy – to some degree – with my desire to share with others what I have learned.  Having said all that, I will tell you now that my slave has suffered both large and small tragedies in recent months.  You need to know that much, for me to explain how I dealt with it, and how the lessons learned might apply to you if you have a similar situation arise.

Immediately after her loss, her life was thrown into disarray.  I saw two ways to bring her through this valley of darkness.  One way was to impose greater structure and control onto her life.  This way would be appropriate if she needed to bury her pain, and shelve it for moments when she could deal with it by herself, in small doses, at appropriate times.  Much like returning to work right after a funeral, busy hands and minds are often the best medicine for grief.

The other way was to loosen the control and structure over her life, allowing her to be less of a slave and more of person who could come to me seeking understanding and comfort.  The latter choice, to walk away from my dynamic, troubles me deeply but I also recognize that no one plan fits all slaves.  Inside the complex mix of desires, needs, wants, philosophies, understandings, beliefs, and all the other things that makes up a personality, each slave has their own perfect buttons that unlocks who and what they are.

I will tell you that some protocols slipped.  Sometimes she was irritable with me.  These are things I would normally never tolerate.  Yet I knew, deep inside that she was in that valley of the shadow of death, and I knew what she needed, and when.  This is all rather vague instruction on how to fix the problem, I will grant you, but as I observe often, you must direct the mind of a slave not the body.  You must Master the tools of observation, of patience, and of calculated and artistic manipulations that bring about in your property, your canvas, your great achievement:  The creation of a slave who is perfect for you, and who in turn is as mutually happy with the result.

In time, the protocols all came back stronger than before, the slave at my feet more sure of who and what she was, and what she wanted.  I like to think that two faced as one, this challenge.

Why now?  Why do I suddenly want to write of this now?  Because a minor tragedy is faced.  A small trinket of great sentimental value was lost.  I will use this loss as yet an opportunity, to speak of being pleasant, and of being responsible for our own happiness.  I will use this as a chance to teach that which is easy to say and hard to do.. that happiness is always just a change in perspective away.

Life is not static, there are no dependable constants in all of the things around us that most consider to be real and valuable.  But when we consider that things that CAN be constant, we touch on things that are harder to hold up as real.  When we place our trust in uncommon currencies, like the exchange of love for example, or the value of satisfaction in honest labor, these are things that ARE constant.  We can always have them.    When we pour out love into the world, it comes back to us in surprising ways.

Because life is not static, neither is blind devotion to an inflexible dynamic a good thing.  This needs to be a flexible thing. Yes, your protocols need to be consistent, and you will need to be an irresistible force,  but the times in which you bring to bear the full force of that indomitable spirit, must be flexible.  I have spoken on this many times before. No matter where your slave’s mindset is at the moment, there needs to be knowledge that while Master may be gentle, Master is always there waiting to take possession, to control what is his through consent.

I can not tell you exactly how to bring YOUR slave back from a tragedy, but I can tell you that if they truly consent to giving all that they are to you, and desire this deeply, and if you stay in your sacred role, and have the intelligence, patience and compassion to deal with their needs, you can not only help them through, but also make stronger your slave’s understanding that they have chosen wisely, the Master to serve.

Carpe Diem!