Anger

If you didn’t read my previous post, please do first.  Its here.

Now.  Some might think I  wasn’t strong because I didn’t blow up, that I didn’t show that asshole the Master and Dominant that I am.  Others may think that if you are not angry at injustice, then the injustice may not be real.  In court, if you show no emotion, its a bad thing for the jury.  Trust me, there was plenty violence and aggression hurled my way and it could very easily have turned into ugly uncontrolled rage.. on his part. Not mine.  But why not? you may ask.

If any of that previous blog sounded weak, I am writing this now to correct your terrible understanding of how a person in control really works.

In retrospect, I am extremely pleased with my performance.  There is a thing that happens sometimes, when you are completely reasonable with an  unreasonable person, and it makes them angrier.  Obviously when that happens, they were trying to provoke you.  That didn’t happen though.

I kept my voice stead, I fought back the screaming voice inside of me, I addressed the gentleman as “Sir”, and did my level best to keep the tone civil.  In short, he was out of control, and from a thinking person’s perspective, that is an opportunity for YOU to be more fully in control.  It is as if they have placed themselves blindfolded on a narrow board and with the most gentle of touch you can cause them to sway this way or that.  You MUST have control of yourself first, before you can see and leverage a position like that.

A great Dominant will be like that.  They are annoyingly calm, slow to anger, but you can still tell when you have displeased them, because the intensity and focus goes way up.  When that happens, you just know you are in trouble with them and at that point, if you haven’t gotten control of yourself, that Dominant is going to manipulate you like a marionette.

Anger my friends is a tool.  Sometimes we pull it out of box and we show it to people to get their attention.  But anger should never be worn.  It must be something that is displayed but not allowed to be part of yourself.  Not sure how I can explain this better.  It is like you become an actor, and you use the anger you should be feeling, to create the perfect scene for that moment in your life.

When as a Dominant should you show anger?  Almost never.  It might be misunderstood for a lack of control.  When you cannot control yourself, everyone knows that you are weak.  But there are times when you have not been able to achieve a certain level of focus from someone, and they need to know they have gone so far as to create a situation where you will actually be angry.  For a person that knows you, this can be a very scary moment.  All the more reason to have yourself under control.

Fear and intimidation can be useful tools.  Never turn away a tool.  Every thing has its time and place.  But of all the tools in your Domination toolbox, these are the ones that should be left to rust.

So yes, in retrospect I am very pleased with my performance.  I will tell you that afterward, after I was away from mister angry, I had my own moments of pent up rage.  I wanted to smash walls, and break things with a bat, but I kept it bottled up until it passed.  Oh I felt it alright, but I was better than that, and I am proud of it.  That opportunity for anger is now in the past and the pride I feel at the control I managed over him and myself, won’t allow me to even come close to being angry now.  Don’t think that control is easy.  It is not.  Nor is it easy to hide when you are controlling yourself.  You have to control yourself without looking like you are trying.  Never let them see your cards.  Hope that gave you something worthy to think about.  Carpe Diem my friends!  Go be someone’s great day!

 

Related

Evil Doms

This is titled “Evil Doms” but it might also be titled “Snow storms and slaves, part 2”.  Part one is here.    There are a few ex-lover types out there, and you may recognize them..

One type makes you feel wonderful about yourself.  They are complimentary, and love everything about you.. they make you feel attractive and in return, because you feel so wonderful when you are around them,  you can not help but love them.  But they are calculating like an evil Dom or Domme.  They know how to make you feel wonderful about yourself, and they do it for as long as you are useful, and desired.  But because they are also uncaring in their calculations.  When something better makes itself available, you will dropped like last week stinky garbage.  The new object of desire gets their attention and too late you realize it was all empty flattery – but it was so sweet – you would go back if you could.

And another type is the fuck buddy.  Now there is nothing wrong with a fuck buddy if that is what you want.  But again, it is the rare person who holds a poly together well without attaching strings to the deal.  When a calculating person convinces you that you want sex, and they want sex, and there is no harm in a pleasant exchange, that can go well.  But if your life changes, and you try to pull out of the arrangement, the evil side can rear its ugly head and the calculating side begins to pull strings to sabotage whatever stands in the way… or worse… they turn up the heat on a person who has a hard time saying no to the point of forcing themselves on you.  They may not even accept consent as a requirement for sex.

Many of us have these types in our past.  I take care to shield Izrina from some of these types, but I can’t do it on nights like this.  Yeah, my fears came to past.  A couple of guys dropped in on the girls for some storm night drinking at the ranch.

A while ago, I bought Izrina a flashlight.  It’s completely functional,  but with a twist.  It also doubles as a stun gun.  Jam the end of it into an attacker, pull the correct trigger, and the threat is neutralized.  She didn’t have it with her tonight.  I wish she did.  Bugs me that my gut had this one pegged right, and I didn’t listen to it.

Nothing happened.  Izrina has been trained to report anything I might be interested in, setting aside a portion of her brain as a guardian working on behalf of Master.  I got the info I needed for tonight.  I’ll get the full details tomorrow night.  Dammit.  I feel torn between the feeling I let her down, and the feeling that she is big girl and needs to sometimes take care of herself if someone gets pushy.

I am not being rational right now.  I would wager every one of us has had at least one person in our past that betrayed a trust.  After that happens,  you never quite look at the trust you place in a partner, quite the same.   You can be honest, and direct, and it still doesn’t matter because it seems that everyone is vulnerable at some point in their life.  Everyone at some point makes a choice they wish they had not.  So you question if the person you are with, will have that weak moment with you.. and you base this thought on a past you wish you could let go of, but can’t.

The fact is, there are Dom like people out there that are evil.  Maybe even sociopaths.  They know the buttons to push, and are not afraid to push them to get what they want.  They may not call themselves Doms, but sometimes they do.

Let me be clear about the title.  Not all Doms are actually what we would want a Dom to be, and not all nillas are free of Dom aspects.  Some nilla people are total Doms, they just don’t know anyone in the life style, and never had anyone point out the being  Dom is OK as long as you remove some behaviors.  I know a few people who know nothing of BDSM, and yet these people are very Dominant with their partners. One is a close friend.  He doesn’t want to think of himself as “kinky” and doesn’t want to talk about it. Problem is, being a Dom without understanding it, may make you a border line abuser.  You both have to talk, and negotiate, and understand what you both get out of it, and most importantly, agree to consent.  Then there are people from the past that I won’t go into.

The key difference about a real Dom is that a real Dom is looking for an equitable exchange.. one that both of you find pleasurable.. and they are honest and trustworthy.   The same can be said for slaves.  Nothing is more important than trust.  Its the foundation of your relation.   Shatter that one too many times, and a person becomes damaged goods.. no matter how rational, intelligent, and caring a person may be.  One side of you will always want to treat a new partner as a clean slate, and another side of you will always see the human weakness that has soiled your past – and constantly worry for the future.  Trust shattered is bad.

The world could use a lot fewer people plying the tools of a Dominant, for their own selfish desires.

Snow storms and slaves

Snow storms are relative.   In some Southern states, 3 inchs of snow brings a city to a halt; as well it should when you don’t have snow removal equipment.  I assume in some Canadian towns, no one even bats an eye until the snow is half way up the tires.  Here, it depends on who you are.  Me.. I go out in all kinds of weather.  Other folks, no so much.

We were hearing that there was a fair size storm coming.. six inches or more – that’s fifteen centimeters if you prefer..  So I won’t see my slave tonight.  I’m kinda grumpy about that.

Her work put her up for then night.  Seems like a generous thing to do.  Here is the catch, if you don’t take them up on the offer..then you are not allowed any excuse what so ever for not showing up the next day.  It kind of a “Godfather offer”… You know.. the kind you can’t refuse.  They have extra rooms, it doesn’t cost them anything, and you can save gas, plus stay safe.. Unless of course you have a cranky Master at home.

Of course I want my slave safe, and staying with the girls at the ranch overnight in a storm can be kind of a fun adventure… but I love my control too much to be really happy about this.  There are male ranchers too of course, and I am not fond of the idea of her mixing alcohol with testosterone, especially when I am not around.  Showing a little lack of trust here I admit.  In my defense, there are many variables at work here, which of course brings me back to a lack of control over this situation.

Of course if I was really worried, I’d drive the two hours round trip tonight to get her, and the two hours round trip to take her back before the sun came up, but I’m just not that crazy.  So I have to put up or shut up.  I don’t like any of these choices.  Freaking snow storms..  bet we only get three inches..that’s 7cm to the rest of the world.   When the hell is the US going to crack that nut and finally go metric anyway?   Why am I working myself up over the metric system?   Bah… I’m just in a cranky mood.   See how fast my perfect little world comes unraveled?    Bored, and cranky.   Ah well.. the snow is pretty..   Maybe I’ll go for a walk in it…   before I have to shovel it..

Weakness, Conflicted

Its been nearly two weeks since my last post.  Thanksgiving travel is behind me and the day-to-day routines have returned.  Thanksgiving was nice.  My daughter traveled some five hours from one direction, and I traveled five hours from another, and we met at my sister’s for our traditional family get together for the Holiday.  Except the whole family doesn’t participate.. in fighting..  I’ll leave it at that.  Blood does not a family make.

My daughter and all of her friends are at college now, save one, who is going to college locally.  She asked to join me this year.  When she was younger, she would often come with us, two young girls in the back seat as we made the long drive.  We would stop along the way, more interested in having adventures than making some self imposed deadline.

Now she is eighteen, and it was somewhat odd to have this young lady who is nearly a daughter to me, in the front seat chatting away.  Her views are quite liberal, and we had many a spirited discussion.  At one point we traveled through two states and I didn’t even notice it.  She tends to dress in black, and chains and never wears a dress.  She wants to be a Dominant some day.

Everyone dresses up for the Thanksgiving meal, but the next day when she came out in dress (again), I blurted out “what are you wearing?”.   “Fuck you”, she said and closed her door.  I thought about it.  She caught me off guard.  She has always been gender neutral,  so it never occurred to me that she might want to be “pretty”.  I apologized.  Its odd.. I think she talks more candidly with me than anyone (except maybe my daughter), and yet I still don’t know if she likes boys or girls or both or neither.  I don’t think she knows.  I do know she definitely wants a slave-male or female.  That idea makes her smile.

Anyway, the trip is behind us, I am caught up on work, and now a cold has set in.  I got the flu shot so I don’t expect it to last long.  You know when you feel like crap, and you can’t breath, and when you cough it feels like your head will explode, so you try not to cough but have to, so you go back and forth between weazing and feeling your head explode?  Yeah, that’s the one I have.  I just wanted to fall asleep until it was over.  I was not good company, and no use at work.  This is where the title for this blog comes in.

I hate feeling weak.  Normally I refuse to give into to any weakness.  But there are times when your body needs rest and you should indulge it.  Normally when I am sick, I work, until my day is done and go straight home and straight to bed to try to get twelve hours sleep.  I repeat as needed.  Not this time.  It was all I could do to focus.  I was OK with allowing this weakness, of not pushing through it.  Then Izrina came home and began to care for me.  I was a Happy Master.   I got past my guilt of allowing this weakness.

Izrina however has reoccurring pain from a few teeth that should be pulled and because of complicated reasons, can’t be.  So every six months or so, she has these fits of pain.  Well in the middle of my “weakness”, she had one of those episodes.  I had just made peace with the notion of not going to work and now my slave needs me.  But I need to sleep and I mean really, really, need to sleep.  Dammit!   This is a lose-lose situation.  If I do stay up to comfort, my own health degrades while doing little to really help the situation.  If I do not stay up to comfort, I am being a terrible Master and the guilt I feel is quite strong.  So I am conflicted.  Weakness and conflicted, not good.

The harsh reality is that the best I can do is make sure she has an appointment with a dentist, and is taking pain meds at regular intervals.  There is a trick when normal pain meds won’t do the job.  You switch between two kinds of over the counter pain meds.

Lets say you have acetaminophen and ibuprofen, each of which should be taken every four hours.  You take your acetaminophen and two hours later you take your ibuprofen.  After that you take acetaminophen four hours after the last dose as recommended, and the same for ibuprofen, but you are actually taking a pain med once every two hours.  When my daughter was just two, and had a sustained fever of 104 for quite some time, we took her to the hospital and that is when I learned that trick.  Obviously you reserve such measures for serious occasions, but it does work quite well for short bouts of extreme pain.

What was my choice, you not doubt are wondering?   Did I stay up or go to sleep?  It was to get the rest I needed.  Izrina was constantly up getting more pain meds and it was hard to sleep, but we made the best of it.  When both of us have issues at the same time it is not a good thing.  At one point, she was curled up under my arm, and she began to cry from the pain.   Softly, because she didn’t want to wake me.   You can imagine how much that tore me up inside.

It would have been a wonderful thing to write about, if I had needed her support and she had been there for me in my hour of need.  Instead, we leaned on each other, neither quite up to the task and yet still coming together, like to war-weary soldiers wounded but keeping each other going.  Actually, this is something to be proud of in its own way.  My first thought had been that at times the support goes the other way, but really, when two people work to make a life together they never stop supporting each other no matter the challenges.  That should be the take-away from this.  The Master and slave relation should not interfere with the basic need to have someone who loves and cares for you.  Rather is should amplify and improve on it.

Izrina is now and always will be a slave in her heart.  I am her Master.  Sometimes I am human, and my strength to overcome the weakness of this body defeats my desire to always be strong.  But my will does not change, nor does hers.  We will always seek to be a Master and a slave, and we will always seek to support each other within our sacred roles. If the lines get blurred sometimes, you can chalk that up to the fact that no truth is ever simple nor black and white.  Such views are for the lazy of mind, and sheep.

She is off to work, has an appointment, and has her meds.  If the dentist can’t pull those teeth, maybe a root canal can be done so there are no nerves left to cause these issues.  There has to be a solution.  I am getting involved in the next visit.

All of this aside, I am encouraged by the days events.  If you have your health, you have everything.  Believe it.  Carpe Diem my friends.  Go make a great day!

The value of subs being treated as Doms

The value of equality – In our local support group for Doms and subs, Doms are expected to be less like a Mistress or Master and check their egos at the door.  Slaves and subs are expected to be more like dominants, speak up, and find their voice.  One rule designed to accomplish this is – Slaves may not sit at the feet of the Master they serve.

It has been two days and two blogs since the Doms and Subs meeting in which I challenged the standing rule that slaves are not permitted to sit at the feet of the Master they serve, while in the local support group.

Time to dig into the pros and cons of this policy.


The pros of making everyone equal – In the discussions that followed my direct, and honey badger like refusal to comply to this rule, four key reasons why we had the rule emerged.  I will now present them here.  There was considerable discussion, but these four reasons stand out as the key points.  They are: 1) Envy from someone is not owned and wants “what he/she has”. 2) Envy from someone who was denied the right to be where they want. 3) A slave at my feet projects an entirely stronger sense of Dominance, making it harder to speak as an equal. 4) You may not observe, you must participate.

1) Wants what “he/she has” –  When you go to a support group you want to come away feeling like you have answers to the things you want to know.  You don’t want to come away from a support group feeling more desperate, lonely and needy than when you walked in.  When a sub or Dom who has no one in their life is surrounded by people who have someone, it can create the feeling that you don’t belong, or that you are as good of a sub/Dom.  There can arise that “outside looking in” feeling, which is counter productive to the support objective.

2) Envy to be yourself – I list this because it came up, but I have a hard time defending this as a reason for the rule.  Its more about the situation I created, than the rule. At least one person said, I want to be at Masters feet and was denied that, why does she get to?  Really, when I decided to ignore the rule and MADE my slave sit at my feet, I tapped into something some subs were feeling, but couldn’t or didn’t challenge. If there is no rule and anyone can sit where they want, there can be no jealously over who gets to sit where.

3) Projecting Dominance – This to me was one of the more significant and substantial arguments presented. One sub said, I have a hard time speaking to you as an equal when you have a slave at your feet.  I think I knew that. Its one of the things I like about having my slave at my feet. I feel more strongly who and what I am when I have this. I project more completely what my life is about. Funny I couldn’t see clearly the impact to a support group until it was pointed out. Hindsight is always 20/20.

4) You may not observe – For a support group to be effective, you have to participate.  If you have ever met a painfully shy submissive, you know what an effort it can be for some people to participate.  It could be argued that when you sit at the feet of a Dominant, there is a tendency to defer all judgement and thought, which leads to less real participation by slaves.

 


The cons of making everyone equal –  I am apposed to the concept that equality is the highest possible form of interaction for all situations.   To my thinking, we who would be Doms and subs arrived at the starting point we all deserve, to be equals regardless of race, gender, or sexual preference, and then with intelligence, and thought, consent to a power exchange.  This is not a life style, it is for many an orientation, something we need to be in our core.  To FORCE people like this to be something they are not, to support them, seems to me to be ill advised.  I think the ideal of equality is well intended, but does not foster and support the mindset we desire.  So… Here are my counter points to these four reasons.

1) Wants what “he/she has” –   I would say: “GOOD, you should want what I have.”  Jealously and envy are things that we humans have always faced.  There will always be the “haves” and the “have nots”, but the answer isn’t to hide what people have.  The answer is to console those to do not have, and be an incentive to them to succeed in making their own dreams come true.  Its a hard fact of life that not everyone will get their dream. Hell, I’d like to win a big lottery, but that is unrealistic.  It is not however unrealistic to think that there is someone for everyone.  What you bring to a relationship is your value.  If you are a Dom or a sub and you bring that in full measure, there are people who will value that part of you above all else.  THAT is the message to send.  Avoiding facing jealousy and envy doesn’t solve anything, but it CAN make make a persons decisions worse.

2) Envy to be yourself – In the pros list, this complaint shines.  When you walk into a support group you should be exactly who you are.  You can be a tutu wearing, purple haired, kitty with a butt plug tail for all I care.  How you identify doesn’t intimidate me or change who I am. BUT, accepting you as you need to be is huge for you, just as it is for me.  If we get to express who we are, then to my mind we are more at ease and naturally feel more supported.  If you are allowed to express yourself, then you can’t be jealous of how another person expresses themselves.  If you see someone that you admire and want to be like, I think you should be able to do that, in a support group.

3) Projecting Dominance –  I have no pros for this one.  The simple truth is that some people apologize all of the time for no reason at all.  They are always saying, “I’m sorry” without asking, what do I have to be sorry for?    There will be people whose mindset is already struggling to participate.  There is one bit of logic I can inject into this particular.  I am much more comfortable forcing a person to participate in the conversation as a Dominant, than as an equal.

4) You may not observe – The argument here is that support only works if a sub participates and a sub may be LESS inclined to speak their mind if they are “sheltered” under the feet of a Dominant.  That is true but the opposite can also be argued.  A sub may be MORE inclined to speak their mind if they are “sheltered” under the feet of a Dominant.  Some property may not feel that they can speak well without the protection and shelter of the owner they serve.   One size fits all, doesn’t work for me.

 


Summary of pros and cons – I have no experience in AA meetings, no weight watchers, no support groups for smokers, widows, suicide, etc.  I have no experience from the nilla side of the fence with any of the long established support groups, but I am sure they have principles that might apply.

My gut tells me that anything that moves the mindset closer to Ds is good and anything that moves it further away is bad, and this moves away from Ds.   My first thoughts tell me that Ds support requires extra consideration for the specific needs of power exchange.   My logic tells me that there is at least one very strong pro that may outweigh the cons.  I like to let important things stew for a while, collecting research, thoughts, opinions, until a firm decision jells.

I had the thought that if I was making a change, I would not only allow slaves to sit at the feet of the Master they serve, I would encourage slave and Doms without partners to “scene” with someone for the support meeting.  That is an idea that works well if there are many slaves, but not so well if there are many Dominants.  Like I said, I need to let things jell.

 

 


Just another day, living with X –  To those of you following this inside look at living with X,  I have to believe you find value in this exchange or you wouldn’t be here.  I am thankful to have a voice, and the opportunity to share.  From my perspective, this latest dive into community, drama, support, and BDSM life has been certainly been interesting.

 

 

The reason is, because reasons

So a little sleep then breakfast with family.  Always drama with that bunch.  I’ve come to a place where family is often more chore than pleasure.   But breakfast was good, and the conversation pleasant enough, so it was nice. My car has been in the shop all week, had to pick that up afterward.  It really has been a challenging week.  I haven’t gone into details, but not having that car all week , and paying for the repairs, was one of those challenges.

The sun was out, and I was thinking it was a good day for a motorcycle ride.  On the other hand, I had that unfinished business with the people I upset last night. The question is, did I want to do a public apology, or private?  I chose private.  I set about mentally recalling each person, where they were sitting, and who they were with, then wrote each a personal apology, crafted specifically for my relation with that person  Having completed that, I decided to take that motorcycle ride.

There was a large family reunion underway today.  I had planned to skip it but since I was looking for a place to ride anyway, I decided to drop in on that.  Got there just in time for it to start raining.  So a hotdog and some hugs later, I headed back in the rain in nothing but my boots, jeans, a Tshirt and my leather vest.  The rain whipped through my jeans, down my socks, and tried to fill my boots.  At least I kept in upright and got back safely.

A number of people had responded to my apologies, many of them very gracious.  I am pleased.  I think tonight calls for lots of alcohol and snuggle time with my slave.  She had to work today, and I am feeling the need to have her touch.

I still have to write down the pros and cons of why there is a rule against slaves sitting at there Master’s feet, in a slave and Dom meeting.   For now, lets just say the reason is, because reasons.  I am very interested now in doing some research on general MAsT group rules are, and what the general consensus would be on this one.  Not that general consensus should tilt your thinking, but it does provide lots of thoughts to weigh against your own.  That’s the real value.

Tomorrow, there will be a Burlesque, BBQ, and beatings play party.  I have friends to catch up with there.  I know I said this about yesterday, but I am looking forward tomorrow. Not sure if I’ll get to the reasons thing tonight, or tomorrow.  Busy, busy…