The lover and the beloved

A young gentleman who reads this blog, wrote to me privately.  There is a young lady he would like to develop a closer, more personal relationship with.  There was a gentleman who had similar feelings and designs on a young lady who is a friend of my daughter’s. In my youth, I found myself in this situation numerous times.  Oddly, this problem no longer reaches me.

On a number of occasions throughout my life, I took a fancy to wild, care-free, beautiful women that I wanted for myself.  It seemed to me that the deep desire and passion that I had for these women was in itself something that should be, if not returned, at the very least valued.  When you hold unrequited love close to your heart, you wonder why the object of your affect does not appreciate all the love you could pour out upon them, if they only invited your love into their life.  You wonder:  Doesn’t all this love I have for them have value?   Sadly, the answer is no.

Loving someone who does not love you back is the sound of one hand clapping.  Unrequited love is extremely painful and it leads to jealousy.  It is the ultimate rose,  blossoming among thorns.  A beauty that tears at your heart, begging for understanding.  What would my older self say to my younger self, to help me understand?   The dawning of understanding came when I first read this passage from “The ballad of the Sad Cafe”:.

“First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world — a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring — this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else — but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

I came to realize that there is in every great love, two parties: The lover and the beloved.  The lover seeks his or her happiness from the beloved.  The beloved is an object, something that brings forth happiness, simply from its possession.   The lover kisses and the beloved enjoys the kiss, but does the beloved feel love in return?  Often not.  Often the beloved realizes they are just the object that the lover obsesses over, and as such they feel a stripping away of themselves, they feel used and drained, as if the lover was a vampire sucking away at their happiness.

How then do we solve this problem?  How do we love without pulling at the one we love?  The answers are both simple and yet complex.  They can be summed up in simple quotes and yet if these quotes do not fill your heart with understanding then these quotes become mere words, useless and meaningless.

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

Just remember that what you seek you will not find, but in the path of your happiness, when you are loving life the most, what you were seeking will find you. ~ Xtac Quote

These two quotes speak to me of the need to be who and what we are at all times, defining our worth by what we bring to a relationship, and not define our worth by the relationship itself. They tell me that we must take personal responsibility for our happiness.   That we must bring all the happiness we create in to a relationship, adding to and multiply the joy of another.  We must never simply take our happiness from a relationship.  We must be both lover and beloved.  You must add as much as you take, and your love is not what you add. What you add are moments of happiness that is long remembered later, laughter and life that is shared.

Have you ever noticed that when you are single, you can’t find someone to be with, but when you are with someone then suddenly you are surrounded by people who it would be nice to be with?  This happens exactly because what you seek you will not find, but in your content moments, what you were seeking finds you.

I often say that the person who is the life of the party, the one who is laughing and joking and doesn’t care if anyone likes them or not, is the one surrounded by people who want to be with them.  This person, who did not care if they had a friend in the world, has all the friends anyone could want.  The one who sits in the corner, envious of all that attention will have no friends.  No one wants to be with the brooding, needy  person in the corner.  The “life of the party” got this way because they let go, they did not cling to a desire, they made their happiness, they projected that strength, and in doing so drew others to them.

In love, I am like a mirror. This is not a simple metaphor. It has taken me years to understand how to be a good lover. A mirror lives for interaction. When engaged, it is present, totally in the moment, and when left, does not pine or cling for the next interaction. No, a mirror is, completely content to just be, and like a mirror, when a lover comes to me, I am truth reflected, need reflected. I am all that you bring: desire, passion, compassion. I am there for, and completely with you; focused on and in that moment. There is much more, but put simply, to be a good lover, I must be a mirror. ~Xtac Quote

The mirror metaphor is the absolute best guide I have come up with on how to be a good lover.  It shapes my interactions with more than a lover.  You need to be fully engaged with everyone around you, not in a speaking role but in a listening.  Like a mirror, you reflect that which is brought to you.   You need to make a full life, interacting with what ever life brings you, and you must make wonderful moments of what ever life brings you.  It is in this path of not clinging, but being fully there in the moment of each interaction, of making your joy and bringing it to each encounter, that you become the strong and desirable “life of the party”,  the one others gravitate to because you have something special to offer.

Like the delicate grip of a fencer, who must balance their swords without holding too tightly, if you would be a person who attracts what you desire most, you must let go before it can come to you.

Does that mean you will attract the one you have passion for?  Maybe not.  But if you are living a rich and full life, surrounded by happiness you have created, what does it matter if the plans you laid do not come to pass?  Don’t look further than inside you for happiness.

The universe is an amazing thing and often brings unexpected joys from unforeseen places.  Make your happiness, let go of what you think you must have, and embrace what you do have.. oddly you will find that by doing this, you will have more than you ever could have hoped for.

Attracting what you seek is not created by desire, neediness or plans.  What you desire comes to you by projecting quiet strength, confidence in yourself, humility, and appreciation for the little moments of life.  All of this is already inside you.  Remember that you are free to choose but not free to choose the outcome of your choosing. Let go of the outcome.  Love the little moments what ever they may bring.  In the pursuit of loving life, your happiness and much more will find you.

Carpe Diem my friends,  Go make a great day, by being someone’s great day.

Pain, sadness, and loneliness

The shadow of my former self sat in darkness, a beer by his hand, wallowing in the sadness that sought to crush him. All love had left the room, every corner of his mind filled with broken glass that cut with every thought that moved.  He had no power, no glory, none of than which defined him when she was by his side.  The air filled with music, selected for the occasion, and he took deep ragged breaths, not quite crying..though the music filled his eyes with tears as he thought of all he had lost.  He took another sip of sadness, or maybe it was beer, and wrapped his pain like a blanket around himself, and tightened it around his neck, wishing to end his life.

No light reached him, no kind word could penetrate his mood. I see myself now, this sad pathetic creature, gnawing at his cold and broken heart, wishing to consume himself with his own pain.  I can see him so clearly and my future self wants to reach back into time..and slap the fucking shit out of that person, and then hold him.

I want to say to him, have you no small treasure?  Have you no small pile of golden memories to nurse with happiness?  Have you nothing to be thankful for?  Are there no flowers left in your world?  Is there no where you can go to hear the laughter of children? Can you not rise each morning and see the hope that begs you to take it into your arms?

I wish I could be sorry for you but I cannot, I want to fucking slap you.  You make me angry! This life you have been given is not about what you were getting but what you can give!  Have you nothing left to give?  Can you not lend a hand to an elderly person, hold a door for a stranger? Can you not rescue an animal from a shelter?  Are there no soup kitchens begging for volunteers?

Love is all that is worth living for, and worth dying for, but you are a blind fucking fool.  Love is not outside you!  Love comes from deep within you.  You were born as a conduit for love and yet you have shut yourself out from it. Love is like a light, and it longs to pulse through your veins,  to fill you with the pain of knowing that you can never, and I mean absolutely never be alone.

If you want to nurse pain, nurse the pain of the unbearable light of that mana.  You cannot contain all the love that will pour through you when you open yourself to that love. If you must nurse pain, nurse that pain.  When this light peels away the crust from your eyes, so that you see your fellow man through its eyes, and you suddenly love the saint and the sinner, when you see your fellow man struggling in the very pain you now hold, and  you love them for all their flaws and troubles.. then you will be lifted up, and sustained.

No, my former self, sitting in the darkness, nursing your pain.. I cannot feel sorry for you. I am angry with you. You need a wake up call, and I your future self am here now, finally to show you the way.  Your future is bright.. oh if you only knew the joy that you will feel some day.  Now dust yourself off…find that small pile of treasure you have conveniently hidden, and count your blessings.  Then, and only then.. go out and be someones great day.  Namaste!

Does your humility interfere with your slavery?

I like a shy slave.  A “we’re not worthy” kind of slave.  I feel like those slaves really understand my gift of Dominance…  But then reality sets in…

I can’t tell you the number of times a slave has said something like: “I don’t know if I am good enough..”   My response is.. “What?!!! Do you think I would pick out garbage to give my gift to?  Do you think I don’t know what I want?  Are you trying to tell me what I like?”  Those kinds of questions will usually have such a slave stammering almost immediately, and retreating even further into the comfort of their shy retreat.  Here comes the social sadist side..wait for it.. Not that once engaged I would allow a retreat!

I sat with a Dominant one night who was on a rant about slaves who would quit rather than try.  Submission wasn’t enough. He had to have something more.  I wasn’t on the same page with him.  Again, I thought, I like those shy kinds of slaves who seem to want to drop to their knees and wail.. I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy..

I might be coming around to his thinking though.  If you are a slave and you like being in the shadow of a strong public Master, that can be a wonderful thing.  But regardless of being owned or not owned, there is a downside to shyness and humility. I have always known that this needed attention but now I am starting to think it is something to take much more seriously into consideration.


The problem with humility and shyness is two fold. 

First, when you have an abundance of shyness and humility before you are owned, you may make decisions for a Dominant that they don’t want you to make for them.  Like to not approach them with the offer of your trust.   You may feel unworthy, leading you to undervalue yourself.  It’s easy to do and all too common among people who really, really need submission to be free.

Second, when you have an abundance of shyness and humility after you are owned, this may get in the way of a direct command.  You may feel that everything you do for Master must be perfect, so that others know what a good owner he or she is, and how obedient and faithful you are.  Now in the course of these fears you may over think, over research, over do a task.  Or you may even balk at the task for fear that it is beyond you.

So the question becomes, how do you over come these limitations?  The answers are many, though only some may work for you.


Overcoming the limitation of humility and shyness

Your value is measured by what you bring to a relation, not by the relation itself. 

Never forget that with or without an owner, you are a slave.  A slave is property and every property has value.  Your value isn’t in your willingness to comply, or your level of submission, though these are important.  Your value lies in your honesty, and your decision making.  Your Dominant will determine if your submission fits.  Honesty is absolutely critical to the slave’s gift of..trust.  Can you be honest?  Can you use that honesty to make a real decision?  Then you have value.  NEVER forget it.

Note: This bears repeating.  Submission is not a gift and ultimate submission is not the ultimate gift.  The slaves ultimate gift is trust. When trust is coupled with honesty, you can find someone truly compatible and that makes your level of submission work.  Trust, honesty, consent.. they work together.

An offer of Domination means someone sees your value

It doesn’t matter if its a scene for one night, or a collar of consideration, when a Dominant offers the gift of their Domination, it is not your place to question their decision. You may accept or reject the offer but the fact they did offer, means that they see potential in you.  If you accept, THEY will decide if you are the right slave for them.  You have been given two great gifts..validation of your value.. and you have been given the chance to lighten your burdens, to place all of your worries into the hands of one who will handle your worries for you.

NOTE: You might want to know what they see in you.  Hopefully its not just an easy piece of ass.  That is not how it should work, and that is NOT a sign of valuing you.

Worries are not yours

If you accept the gift of Domination, your worries.. should be stricken from your vocabulary. THEY ARE NOT YOURS!  A dominant should above all be making decisions and the most important decisions they can make are the ones that lighten your load.  What is the point of giving your ultimate gift..trust.. if it isn’t used.  Give completely of yourself.  Allow yourself to FEEL the trust you have given.  Trust that you can speak of your fears, concerns, and worries. Let your Dominant help shoulder them.  Of course a Dominant may also add to your worries, pushing you to achieve more. Again trust your Dominant to do the right thing.

Punishments are not yours

When you have an abundance of humility, you will often feel that your work isn’t good enough. You will want to punish yourself for screw ups.  You might keep playing that last screw up over and over in your mind.  You should not be allowed to do that. I wouldn’t allow it. 

Just as all worries should go to the Dominant, punishments are the property of the Dominant as well. The Dominant will forgive, or choose the punishment. They will choose how quickly to provide punishment.  They will provide the relief of knowing the punishment is over.  They should not want you beating yourself up. We Dominants want our slaves to be happy and you can’t be if you are beating yourself up.  Don’t do it.

Decisions are not yours

Well, not all decisions belong to the Dominant. Studies show that moral fiber degrades when all authority is removed.  A slave will ALWAYS be responsible for the commands they accept.  You must weigh commands against your values and ethics and those that don’t measure up must not be accepted.  You should not accept harm to the property that is your body.. Pain maybe, but no lasting significant harm.  Lastly, you may retain those areas that are agreed to under the four areas of TPE negation.

That being said all other decisions belong to the owner..  Even a submissive who is not owned, but has an abundance of humility and shyness, should question if the decisions you make are being made FOR ONE PERSON OR TWO?  Be honest. Ask yourself, am I deciding for me only, or does my decision maybe interfere with the wishes of the one I serve?  If it interferes, that becomes a worry and worry should be discussed.  So discuss it.. easy peasy.

Your worthiness to serve is not your decision

Here is what I as a Master want to hear when I give an order and you feel you are not worthy:    “Yes Master – this slave will try to be worthy of its Master’s trust and praise.

That answer tells me that you understand that I make the decisions. It tells me that you will try to obey to the best of your ability.  It tells me you have doubts in your ability but you will trust in my judgemenvt.

How good is good enough for a Dominant?

This answer comes to us from Vile – A good Master knows his slave’s limits and would never give a task knowing there would be failure.  This is what I expect from you. I expect you to do the best you can do. If this is done you have pleased me.  See his blog here.


It is not easy always easy to slide into these mindsets.  It may take years of service to a Master to get to the point where this all happens without thought. But a successful Dominant will keep working at, creating a place of deeper submission and trust.

To create the mindset of Master and slave, we must have the two key ingredients..

  • The gift of a slave’s trust
  • The gift of a Master’s Domination

The slave mindset needs to be centered around trust that the power given, will be used wisely, for the betterment of both. The Dominant, to create that condition must use the power that is exchanged in constructive ways.   The slave trusts that this is so.  A slave is not weak.  It takes great strength to overcome humility, shyness, fear, and other factors until you can finally to trust another so completely that you will give up substantial power in exchange for the gift of Domination.

Many a slave is strong of will, but the successful Dominant is stronger.  Like an irresistible force meeting an unmovable object, the successful Dominant applies his or her will without anger. They apply their will with love and patience; an irresistible force brought to bear upon the slave until they mold comfortably, happily, to the will of the Master.

It’s a great day to be alive.. Go be someone’s great day… Carpe diem my friends!

 


Related

Beauty ( and hope )

I am going to try to keep this one uncharacteristically short..  here goes..

I have a critical eye and I’m honest. If you really want to know if something makes you look fatter, or thinner or looks good, I’ll tell you honestly what I think.  Normally, I think I am fairly good as judging how a face or body stacks up against the general population.  And that goes for men and women.  Take the recently deceased George Michael.  If you asked me, I’d say he was hot in his day.  Same with Christie Brinkley.  These may not be your kind of beauty, but you can at least acknowledge I am in the ball park for generally hot people.

So when I look at my slave, do I see a drop dead gorgeous girl everyone wants?  No, I don’t.  But then to me, she is.  I have thought about this a great length.

On New Years Eve, as she sat beside me I turned and looked at her and so help me God she was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.  Meanwhile, one part of me was staying objective.  One part of my mind was asking: Would anyone else agree?  So I looked objectively and I couldn’t find any reason another person wouldn’t agree. I can still see that moment in my minds eye.

It was the kitchen, she was sitting on my right as is her protocol.  On her right side, which was farthest from me, her hair hung down just past her eye and then over her breast in a photogenic kind of way.   On her left side, the side facing me, she had tucked her long hair behind her ear and the sparkle of a beautiful dangling earring shone in the light.  Her jaw line was well defined in the kitchen light.  Her lips were full, pouty, and her eyes were crowned by dark eyebrows that were not too heavy.  In short, her contrasts were striking.  She was breathtaking… and I told her so.. You just look so beautiful tonight.. I might have said.

Times when this happens, my heart tugs at me, full of love and appreciation for this property I own.  I know that others might not agree.  She’s isn’t firm like an 18 year old, or fat free, but I am simply struck at times with her beauty just the same. Many are the times I have simply been over-whelmed with feeling for her, and my critical eye is once again struck with her beauty.  But then other times not.  Is it simply what I am feeling that makes me see?

Its been said, love is blind.  Its been said that we see our lovers through rose colored glasses.  I get it.  At such times, I might be under an influence but if I am, it’s too deep for my objective side to untangle.  Maybe I am “Shallow Hal” under the influence.. I don’t care.  I like it. AND there is something to learn here.

If we can learn to love another person for who they are, to be attracted on all levels, to be infatuated for who they are, isn’t that a good thing?  Does it really matter what anyone else thinks?  There is hope for us all.  I am quite a bit older than Izrina, yet she loves me in return.  As a Master, I think I’m a catch, but not so much for my age.  BDSM seems to have more than its fair share of people who are attracted on a level that makes them seem an unlikely match. A word of cautions about “finding” that special someone, in the form of a quote:

Just remember that what you seek you will not find, but in the path of your happiness, when you are loving life the most, what you were seeking will find you. ~ X Quote

Let’s revisit the question: Would everyone else desire her as well?  If we are talking about TPE Masters, the answer is  “Hell yes!” A Master who has gotten past the stupid notion of collecting a stable of hot bodies, and is ready to get serious about finding the slave that will fit, THAT Master would simply love to own my property. She’s valuable property, and I know it.  It needs to be said, and I know it, that a huge part of my attraction is the slave that she is, the submission she gives with such grace.  It is her inner beauty that attracts me first. There are some outwardly beautiful women that are ugly and repulsive to me.  Beauty starts from the inside and flows from there.

All of this is  just one more reason why BDSM is the only way of life for me.  It is one more reason why I think we have answers for nillas if they could hear. Its why, if you haven’t found the one yet, there is still hope.  Attraction in BDSM runs much deeper, and when you connect on that level, any person can become more beautiful than you can imagine.  I know. I am speaking from experience here.  If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right, baby, yeah!

Failure!.. Thought this would be a few paragraphs.. Ha!  Never give a soapbox to a Dominant!  Carpe Diem, my friends.. Nameste.

Merry Christmass

A Merry Kinky Christmass my friends… because everything is better when it ends with some “ass”. Especially a red ass.

During the Holidays, I like to sit and watch those schmaltzy Christmas movies.  It puts me in a frame of mind that believes there is hope for the whole world.

We are supposed to be full of Christmas cheer now, right?  I want to share words of inspiration, but then I think.. Its a Christian Holiday.  What do Jews or Muslims think of this whole “Christ-Mass” thing?  And I think of the terror attacks that will be planned around mass gatherings.   And I think of the snarls of traffic with frantic people rushing to get a gift that may be returned, or thrown out.. and I wonder.. is Christmas really so different from any other day?  Perhaps it shouldn’t be.  In 2014, I wrote this on Thanksgiving:

I am thankful for beautiful skies, my inner guide, and the universe through which I offer myself as a conduit. I am thankful for my canvas, she with whom I practice serving those who serve. I am thankful for that which gives meaning to my life. I am thankful for those who have shared moments with me, letting me be part of their life, as I am part of theirs. ~ Xtac Quote, Thanksgiving 2014

So today is Christmas.  Some will spend it alone.  Some will tear open gifts and sit in piles of wrapping paper.  Some will be thankful its over.  Some will get in cars and make trips to family members they may or may not want to see.  Me, I will spend it with people that are important to me, and I will do nothing special, which will make it extra special.  My daughter and my mother will get together and bake a new cake recipe.  And my daughter will make memories that will make her cry when Grandma has passed on.  Life always ends.

We often go about our Christmas “to do” list like good soldiers following orders.  We often do these things with eyes closed, not sure why we do them. Let me tell you why.  Yes, Christmas is commercial, and Yes, Christmas is in large part about gifts.  It IS a time of gift giving.  So let’s think more about giving, shall we?  When you give, you can give of your money, or time, or talent.  Of the three, time is the most precious gift.

Sometimes we give because we can’t wait to see the smiles our gift will bring.  And sometimes we give for the joy we hope it will bring.  Sometimes we give for the warm, smug feeling that tells us what good people we are for giving.

There was a homeless gentleman I passed every day on the way to work, and I would pick up a carrot cake, or some other packaged food, so he could tell I had not messed with it, and hand it to him as I passed. Some days, I included a few dollars. I could easily have fallen into the trap of feeling smug about this.  Giving, if we do it for the wrong reasons, can be a bad thing.

If we look at what we have, and what others have, and what stuff we want to move from our pile to another’s, we are looking at gifts as a cold truth with a closed heart.  When you give, what you gave is no longer yours.  It belongs to someone else now.  You should have no expectations of control over the thing that is no longer yours. The truth is, most of us expect something in return for a gift.  We hope the gift brings joy, or finds a place in their home.  We hope for an equitable exchange, warm feelings in return for our generosity.  Often, we have expectations of an immediate return on our gift, even if we don’t consciously express it or think about it.

Ask yourself, why WOULD you give if your gift was just thrown away?  Why would you give if no appreciation was expressed?  Ah, now we get to the heart of Christmas!

Christmas and giving are NOT about the joy you create, or what happens with your gifts.  When you give, you have become a conduit for the light of the universe.  What you give, you receive back three fold.  Not from the person that you gave to, but from the boundless love that you have made yourself a conduit for.

When you are selfless, as any slave knows, you have tapped into something bigger than you or the person you have served.  You are a mystic, a shaman, a priest of the universe.  Not in some intangible way, but in a way that fills you with light and lightness.  Your heart is free, you are warmed with an irresistible urge to smile,  you like scrooge are happy beyond measure and you can’t explain it.  But you know it is real because you feel it.

You can’t bottle it, you can’t sell it, and you can’t give it to someone else.  When you experience being a conduit for love, this is your personal gift from somewhere beyond.  You can’t make people believe in it.  Nor can you make people experience it, even if they give.  A person who refuses to open their heart can give, and then sit unhappy that giving was a miserable experience.  No, you must open your heart to the experience, to feel love pouring through you.

So as you go to visit, as you sit with friends, as you watch gifts unwrapped, open your heart to a bigger picture.  This IS a time when the hope of the whole world rests in our hands.  It is a time when we can peel back the veil and see the what happens when we think beyond our own little lives.  We can FEEL the reality that can’t be shared.  We can feel the experience that is open to any who allow it.  It is a time when we can help others to see that there is more to life than collecting a pile of stuff.

We have only so much time in this life.  Every second is a gift.  We can not create for ourselves, one more second of time than we will have.  We own nothing.  Not even our bodies.  These too shall return to the earth.  We own only one thing, my friends.  Our decisions.  This Christmas, I encourage you to look at your decisions and make good ones, especially with your time.  Spend it with people who matter.  Give and hold nothing back.  Let yourself be free of your worries.   Be a conduit for all the good this world deserves, and if you should find yourself weeping, it will probably be for joy.  Joy for the smallest moments that are so huge.  Carpe Diem!   Merry Christmas!  Go be someone’s great day!

Anger

If you didn’t read my previous post, please do first.  Its here.

Now.  Some might think I  wasn’t strong because I didn’t blow up, that I didn’t show that asshole the Master and Dominant that I am.  Others may think that if you are not angry at injustice, then the injustice may not be real.  In court, if you show no emotion, its a bad thing for the jury.  Trust me, there was plenty violence and aggression hurled my way and it could very easily have turned into ugly uncontrolled rage.. on his part. Not mine.  But why not? you may ask.

If any of that previous blog sounded weak, I am writing this now to correct your terrible understanding of how a person in control really works.

In retrospect, I am extremely pleased with my performance.  There is a thing that happens sometimes, when you are completely reasonable with an  unreasonable person, and it makes them angrier.  Obviously when that happens, they were trying to provoke you.  That didn’t happen though.

I kept my voice stead, I fought back the screaming voice inside of me, I addressed the gentleman as “Sir”, and did my level best to keep the tone civil.  In short, he was out of control, and from a thinking person’s perspective, that is an opportunity for YOU to be more fully in control.  It is as if they have placed themselves blindfolded on a narrow board and with the most gentle of touch you can cause them to sway this way or that.  You MUST have control of yourself first, before you can see and leverage a position like that.

A great Dominant will be like that.  They are annoyingly calm, slow to anger, but you can still tell when you have displeased them, because the intensity and focus goes way up.  When that happens, you just know you are in trouble with them and at that point, if you haven’t gotten control of yourself, that Dominant is going to manipulate you like a marionette.

Anger my friends is a tool.  Sometimes we pull it out of box and we show it to people to get their attention.  But anger should never be worn.  It must be something that is displayed but not allowed to be part of yourself.  Not sure how I can explain this better.  It is like you become an actor, and you use the anger you should be feeling, to create the perfect scene for that moment in your life.

When as a Dominant should you show anger?  Almost never.  It might be misunderstood for a lack of control.  When you cannot control yourself, everyone knows that you are weak.  But there are times when you have not been able to achieve a certain level of focus from someone, and they need to know they have gone so far as to create a situation where you will actually be angry.  For a person that knows you, this can be a very scary moment.  All the more reason to have yourself under control.

Fear and intimidation can be useful tools.  Never turn away a tool.  Every thing has its time and place.  But of all the tools in your Domination toolbox, these are the ones that should be left to rust.

So yes, in retrospect I am very pleased with my performance.  I will tell you that afterward, after I was away from mister angry, I had my own moments of pent up rage.  I wanted to smash walls, and break things with a bat, but I kept it bottled up until it passed.  Oh I felt it alright, but I was better than that, and I am proud of it.  That opportunity for anger is now in the past and the pride I feel at the control I managed over him and myself, won’t allow me to even come close to being angry now.  Don’t think that control is easy.  It is not.  Nor is it easy to hide when you are controlling yourself.  You have to control yourself without looking like you are trying.  Never let them see your cards.  Hope that gave you something worthy to think about.  Carpe Diem my friends!  Go be someone’s great day!

 

Related

Evil Doms

This is titled “Evil Doms” but it might also be titled “Snow storms and slaves, part 2”.  Part one is here.    There are a few ex-lover types out there, and you may recognize them..

One type makes you feel wonderful about yourself.  They are complimentary, and love everything about you.. they make you feel attractive and in return, because you feel so wonderful when you are around them,  you can not help but love them.  But they are calculating like an evil Dom or Domme.  They know how to make you feel wonderful about yourself, and they do it for as long as you are useful, and desired.  But because they are also uncaring in their calculations.  When something better makes itself available, you will dropped like last week stinky garbage.  The new object of desire gets their attention and too late you realize it was all empty flattery – but it was so sweet – you would go back if you could.

And another type is the fuck buddy.  Now there is nothing wrong with a fuck buddy if that is what you want.  But again, it is the rare person who holds a poly together well without attaching strings to the deal.  When a calculating person convinces you that you want sex, and they want sex, and there is no harm in a pleasant exchange, that can go well.  But if your life changes, and you try to pull out of the arrangement, the evil side can rear its ugly head and the calculating side begins to pull strings to sabotage whatever stands in the way… or worse… they turn up the heat on a person who has a hard time saying no to the point of forcing themselves on you.  They may not even accept consent as a requirement for sex.

Many of us have these types in our past.  I take care to shield Izrina from some of these types, but I can’t do it on nights like this.  Yeah, my fears came to past.  A couple of guys dropped in on the girls for some storm night drinking at the ranch.

A while ago, I bought Izrina a flashlight.  It’s completely functional,  but with a twist.  It also doubles as a stun gun.  Jam the end of it into an attacker, pull the correct trigger, and the threat is neutralized.  She didn’t have it with her tonight.  I wish she did.  Bugs me that my gut had this one pegged right, and I didn’t listen to it.

Nothing happened.  Izrina has been trained to report anything I might be interested in, setting aside a portion of her brain as a guardian working on behalf of Master.  I got the info I needed for tonight.  I’ll get the full details tomorrow night.  Dammit.  I feel torn between the feeling I let her down, and the feeling that she is big girl and needs to sometimes take care of herself if someone gets pushy.

I am not being rational right now.  I would wager every one of us has had at least one person in our past that betrayed a trust.  After that happens,  you never quite look at the trust you place in a partner, quite the same.   You can be honest, and direct, and it still doesn’t matter because it seems that everyone is vulnerable at some point in their life.  Everyone at some point makes a choice they wish they had not.  So you question if the person you are with, will have that weak moment with you.. and you base this thought on a past you wish you could let go of, but can’t.

The fact is, there are Dom like people out there that are evil.  Maybe even sociopaths.  They know the buttons to push, and are not afraid to push them to get what they want.  They may not call themselves Doms, but sometimes they do.

Let me be clear about the title.  Not all Doms are actually what we would want a Dom to be, and not all nillas are free of Dom aspects.  Some nilla people are total Doms, they just don’t know anyone in the life style, and never had anyone point out the being  Dom is OK as long as you remove some behaviors.  I know a few people who know nothing of BDSM, and yet these people are very Dominant with their partners. One is a close friend.  He doesn’t want to think of himself as “kinky” and doesn’t want to talk about it. Problem is, being a Dom without understanding it, may make you a border line abuser.  You both have to talk, and negotiate, and understand what you both get out of it, and most importantly, agree to consent.  Then there are people from the past that I won’t go into.

The key difference about a real Dom is that a real Dom is looking for an equitable exchange.. one that both of you find pleasurable.. and they are honest and trustworthy.   The same can be said for slaves.  Nothing is more important than trust.  Its the foundation of your relation.   Shatter that one too many times, and a person becomes damaged goods.. no matter how rational, intelligent, and caring a person may be.  One side of you will always want to treat a new partner as a clean slate, and another side of you will always see the human weakness that has soiled your past – and constantly worry for the future.  Trust shattered is bad.

The world could use a lot fewer people plying the tools of a Dominant, for their own selfish desires.

Snow storms and slaves

Snow storms are relative.   In some Southern states, 3 inchs of snow brings a city to a halt; as well it should when you don’t have snow removal equipment.  I assume in some Canadian towns, no one even bats an eye until the snow is half way up the tires.  Here, it depends on who you are.  Me.. I go out in all kinds of weather.  Other folks, no so much.

We were hearing that there was a fair size storm coming.. six inches or more – that’s fifteen centimeters if you prefer..  So I won’t see my slave tonight.  I’m kinda grumpy about that.

Her work put her up for then night.  Seems like a generous thing to do.  Here is the catch, if you don’t take them up on the offer..then you are not allowed any excuse what so ever for not showing up the next day.  It kind of a “Godfather offer”… You know.. the kind you can’t refuse.  They have extra rooms, it doesn’t cost them anything, and you can save gas, plus stay safe.. Unless of course you have a cranky Master at home.

Of course I want my slave safe, and staying with the girls at the ranch overnight in a storm can be kind of a fun adventure… but I love my control too much to be really happy about this.  There are male ranchers too of course, and I am not fond of the idea of her mixing alcohol with testosterone, especially when I am not around.  Showing a little lack of trust here I admit.  In my defense, there are many variables at work here, which of course brings me back to a lack of control over this situation.

Of course if I was really worried, I’d drive the two hours round trip tonight to get her, and the two hours round trip to take her back before the sun came up, but I’m just not that crazy.  So I have to put up or shut up.  I don’t like any of these choices.  Freaking snow storms..  bet we only get three inches..that’s 7cm to the rest of the world.   When the hell is the US going to crack that nut and finally go metric anyway?   Why am I working myself up over the metric system?   Bah… I’m just in a cranky mood.   See how fast my perfect little world comes unraveled?    Bored, and cranky.   Ah well.. the snow is pretty..   Maybe I’ll go for a walk in it…   before I have to shovel it..

Weakness, Conflicted

Its been nearly two weeks since my last post.  Thanksgiving travel is behind me and the day-to-day routines have returned.  Thanksgiving was nice.  My daughter traveled some five hours from one direction, and I traveled five hours from another, and we met at my sister’s for our traditional family get together for the Holiday.  Except the whole family doesn’t participate.. in fighting..  I’ll leave it at that.  Blood does not a family make.

My daughter and all of her friends are at college now, save one, who is going to college locally.  She asked to join me this year.  When she was younger, she would often come with us, two young girls in the back seat as we made the long drive.  We would stop along the way, more interested in having adventures than making some self imposed deadline.

Now she is eighteen, and it was somewhat odd to have this young lady who is nearly a daughter to me, in the front seat chatting away.  Her views are quite liberal, and we had many a spirited discussion.  At one point we traveled through two states and I didn’t even notice it.  She tends to dress in black, and chains and never wears a dress.  She wants to be a Dominant some day.

Everyone dresses up for the Thanksgiving meal, but the next day when she came out in dress (again), I blurted out “what are you wearing?”.   “Fuck you”, she said and closed her door.  I thought about it.  She caught me off guard.  She has always been gender neutral,  so it never occurred to me that she might want to be “pretty”.  I apologized.  Its odd.. I think she talks more candidly with me than anyone (except maybe my daughter), and yet I still don’t know if she likes boys or girls or both or neither.  I don’t think she knows.  I do know she definitely wants a slave-male or female.  That idea makes her smile.

Anyway, the trip is behind us, I am caught up on work, and now a cold has set in.  I got the flu shot so I don’t expect it to last long.  You know when you feel like crap, and you can’t breath, and when you cough it feels like your head will explode, so you try not to cough but have to, so you go back and forth between weazing and feeling your head explode?  Yeah, that’s the one I have.  I just wanted to fall asleep until it was over.  I was not good company, and no use at work.  This is where the title for this blog comes in.

I hate feeling weak.  Normally I refuse to give into to any weakness.  But there are times when your body needs rest and you should indulge it.  Normally when I am sick, I work, until my day is done and go straight home and straight to bed to try to get twelve hours sleep.  I repeat as needed.  Not this time.  It was all I could do to focus.  I was OK with allowing this weakness, of not pushing through it.  Then Izrina came home and began to care for me.  I was a Happy Master.   I got past my guilt of allowing this weakness.

Izrina however has reoccurring pain from a few teeth that should be pulled and because of complicated reasons, can’t be.  So every six months or so, she has these fits of pain.  Well in the middle of my “weakness”, she had one of those episodes.  I had just made peace with the notion of not going to work and now my slave needs me.  But I need to sleep and I mean really, really, need to sleep.  Dammit!   This is a lose-lose situation.  If I do stay up to comfort, my own health degrades while doing little to really help the situation.  If I do not stay up to comfort, I am being a terrible Master and the guilt I feel is quite strong.  So I am conflicted.  Weakness and conflicted, not good.

The harsh reality is that the best I can do is make sure she has an appointment with a dentist, and is taking pain meds at regular intervals.  There is a trick when normal pain meds won’t do the job.  You switch between two kinds of over the counter pain meds.

Lets say you have acetaminophen and ibuprofen, each of which should be taken every four hours.  You take your acetaminophen and two hours later you take your ibuprofen.  After that you take acetaminophen four hours after the last dose as recommended, and the same for ibuprofen, but you are actually taking a pain med once every two hours.  When my daughter was just two, and had a sustained fever of 104 for quite some time, we took her to the hospital and that is when I learned that trick.  Obviously you reserve such measures for serious occasions, but it does work quite well for short bouts of extreme pain.

What was my choice, you not doubt are wondering?   Did I stay up or go to sleep?  It was to get the rest I needed.  Izrina was constantly up getting more pain meds and it was hard to sleep, but we made the best of it.  When both of us have issues at the same time it is not a good thing.  At one point, she was curled up under my arm, and she began to cry from the pain.   Softly, because she didn’t want to wake me.   You can imagine how much that tore me up inside.

It would have been a wonderful thing to write about, if I had needed her support and she had been there for me in my hour of need.  Instead, we leaned on each other, neither quite up to the task and yet still coming together, like to war-weary soldiers wounded but keeping each other going.  Actually, this is something to be proud of in its own way.  My first thought had been that at times the support goes the other way, but really, when two people work to make a life together they never stop supporting each other no matter the challenges.  That should be the take-away from this.  The Master and slave relation should not interfere with the basic need to have someone who loves and cares for you.  Rather is should amplify and improve on it.

Izrina is now and always will be a slave in her heart.  I am her Master.  Sometimes I am human, and my strength to overcome the weakness of this body defeats my desire to always be strong.  But my will does not change, nor does hers.  We will always seek to be a Master and a slave, and we will always seek to support each other within our sacred roles. If the lines get blurred sometimes, you can chalk that up to the fact that no truth is ever simple nor black and white.  Such views are for the lazy of mind, and sheep.

She is off to work, has an appointment, and has her meds.  If the dentist can’t pull those teeth, maybe a root canal can be done so there are no nerves left to cause these issues.  There has to be a solution.  I am getting involved in the next visit.

All of this aside, I am encouraged by the days events.  If you have your health, you have everything.  Believe it.  Carpe Diem my friends.  Go make a great day!

Domination on Blogs, the quirks

I have to tell you that part of my control has to do with timing.  I will reveal information when it has the most use and impact.  If you read yesterday’s blog, you know that Monday I was unhappy but doubled down on the things I wanted addressed and yesterday was better.  I kind of released that information early though, before it had a conclusion.  I ended like this:

This evening was nice.  Tomorrow, if my expectations are met, they will be better still.  Or they might be worse.  I expect better though.

So I telegraphed my thoughts.  Problem is, my slave reads this blog too.  There is every likelihood that by those words, she might alter her behavior.  I don’t want that.   I would prefer to wait and see what kind of response I get from earlier interaction.  How else can I judge the effectiveness of my corrective application?

I am a Dominant that is very much into the pleasure of understanding my slave, and finding her buttons, and knowing how to to push them to get the results I want.   Having a blog can work both ways.  It can be a method of praise, or embarrassment.  What I write here, can influence in a very real way our relation.  I am always cognizant of this when I write here.

It is one of the quirks of having a public blog, that it work for or against your plans.  Worse, the written word is fraught with misunderstandings that just don’t as easily exist when you can see and hear a person.  A simple written: I love “this”, can cause a person to wonder:  Did I do “this” without realizing?  Was it a good thing?  Was it a bad thing ?  Is “this” a hint?  Am I supposed to be doing something?  Do I do this “thing” enough?  Do I do it too much?  Yeah, a blog can be a quirky thing, for a Ds relation.


 

For my blog followers who are wondering how this drama concluded tonight: The area I wanted corrected was handled far better than my expectations.  I am a very happy M tonight.  Even more so, because she was too busy to get to the blog to read.  Which means the things that influenced that behavior were in no way related to this blog.  Double bonus points!   Yep, I am very happy indeed.

I’m not ready to brag about what a good girl she is, or mention how pleased I am to have such an obedient and pleasurable slave, nope.  No such puffery here for her to read.  There is always time for back sliding and this particular area I am addressing is important.  If it stays attended to well, and for a period of time, THEN maybe I’ll make such comments.

OK.. maybe one little praise.  Tonight’s dinner was steak and veggies.  I pretended to be gaming while she prepared my plate.  I enjoyed the busy little dance back and forth, some pepper on this, a bottle of olive oil to add a splash to that… just back and forth attending to the plate with great care and attention to my preferences… and there it was… that love you feel that just overwhelms you.  The sense that your life is absolutely perfect, and before you is a person that completes that life, who in ever fiber of your being, just feels right for who and what you are.

Better to live in those magic small moments when nothing important happens, than to live for any imagined, great future.  Living for the future is a terrible waste of the present.  Tonight I am just incredibly pleased, and that is enough.  Carpe Diem my friends.  Go MAKE a great day!