On the way to Kinky, life happens

There are some disturbing trends lately, like having a low opinion of the value of hard work, education, and the pursuit of knowledge.  Perhaps that also explains the rejection by many of elderly advice…  But listen up if you are new to BDSM because this is something you only learn by living it for some time….

There is a thing.. its called slave frenzy, but truth be told Doms get it too.  Perhaps you are young and just really really horny for all that yummy kinky sex coupled with BDSM naughtiness.  Or maybe you spent a lifetime convinced there was something wrong with your wicked fantasies… only to discover there are people who think you are normal.  It doesn’t matter your age.  What matters is you are new to BDSM.

Suddenly there is so much living to pack in and you can’t get enough… You want to try it all.  You go to munches, and workshops, and play parties, and major events.. You are living a dream and it is all hot, hot, hot.   Maybe you are married and you realize you want this, and you are trying to figure out if you can bring in your spouse or if you need a divorce.  You need to live this life, 24×7, and its a driving force in your life.

BDSM is a journey and we are all on that highway together.  Some of us have the pedal to the metal and are gunning down the road… we’ve all been there.  But a funny thing happens along the way.. its called life.

Life is filled with jobs, and bosses, and bills and house work.  And even when you arrive at your dream.. a house with a Dom or slave or slaves..  there is that thing about how you keep things new, fresh, exciting.

A Dom once said that after a while, having two naked women doing my every bidding day and night eventually loses its charm.. its still nice but its not exciting like it used to be.  (He took a beating in the comments to him on that one, but he was right).

Every day I have a slave by my side.  She is often naked, available for my use in any way I please.   I can beat her, fuck her or order her to give me oral service.  I can send her to bring me a snack or to refill my drink..  Its not kinky.. its every day life for us..

Mom came for lunch, and when her coffee ran out she handed the cup to me and asked for more.  I handed it to Izrina and ordered her to refill it.  Izrina took the cup and trotted off to the kitchen like a good girl, while Mom just raised an eyebrow…  I don’t even think about IF I’ll order something, I just do.

Now I won’t go so far as to say BDSM has lost its charm.  I love my slave.  This is the best life ever.   But on another level its just life.   We eat, and sleep.  We work around the house. I look for opportunities to make her call me WEM.   Its just life… and life is good.

Carpe Diem my Friends, be someone’s great day!

Feeling ten feet tall…

This morning as I walked to my car with my laptop over my shoulder, I was feeling ten feet tall.  It was an incredibly insignificant small thing that felt huge.  Sometimes its the little things that count the most.  Let me set this up for you…

Things have really been coming together quite nicely lately.  It wasn’t that way, not so long ago.  Today stands in stark contrast to how its been for me in many previous years.

The house and grounds have really been coming together nicely.  We hosted the final collaring for my slave, we had wonderful friends from near and far at our side, we received blessings from really terrific community members, and we had our first HOX event.  Life is pretty good!

I need to start by mentioning that Izrina has many rules and protocols but she has only three rituals… and one happens every morning.  It is the consent ritual.   Each day we reaffirm that ours is a consensual domination, held together by love, trust, and consent.

It was a typical morning.. I had checked on the status of all things work related, shut down my laptop and was preparing to leave when Izrina started the consent ritual.  I was distracted by my preparations and gave a response without my full focus.. and when I realized this I asked her to wait.

She had prepared my coffee in my travel mug, and a lunch for my day and stood with these waiting.  My laptop bag now over my shoulder I took her face into both hands, gave her a long kiss and then touched foreheads as I told her how pleased I was to offer her the gift of my domination, and to find someone who wanted this as much as I did.

And then as I turned towards the door I said: ” I’m off to make more money so our dreams can grow”.   It was now in this moment as I walked to the car that I was struck with a sense of overwhelming joy.  Life may not be perfect but in that instant, all was right in my world.

I am king of my castle, to be a chateau someday.  I do provide.  I do nurture, guide and love my most prized possession – Izrina.  But more than that, our shared dream of being a community resource was coming together as each little project made the house and grounds nicer.

And here was I, Master of this domain, the tools of my trade on my shoulder.. a coffee and lunch prepared by my pet in hand, going forth to another day..  Just one of the many things I do to bring a dream to reality.  My cup was running over… and it was at that moment that I was humbled and yet could not shake the feeling of being a ten foot tall giant striding into the yard.  Life is good!

 

Carpe Diem my friends.  Be someone’s great day!

 

 

You’re what? Oh really?

Growing up, my mother never had a career.  Hell, she didn’t even have a part time job.  Neither did all of my friend’s moms.   Coming out of the 1950’s, industry was strong and unions were strong and it was entirely possible for a guy to hold one job and still feed the whole family.

There is an appeal to the 1950’s housewife style of Ds relations.  It dovetails nicely with the mindset of a Master who desires to not only control a house, but also desires to nurture, protect, and provide for their prized possession.

A Ds relation needs to work both ways.  The relationship while not equal, needs to be equitable.  What the slave gets in return for their submission needs to be as pleasing as what they give.  Depending on the totality of the dynamic, various slave styles will feel more comfortable.

Baby girls, brats, 1950’s housewife, romantic, property, SAMs.. there are so many ways to think of your Ds.  I like the 1950s style.  I want my girl to only work part time, add some income, but mostly take care of the basic interior work.. laundry, cleaning, cooking.  I tend to like the automotive and outdoor and remodel work.

Those of you who have been reading a while know that my property is also a SAM or smart ass masochist.  One day while we we conversing she hit me with this one.   “Master” she said, I am not really a 1950’s housewifeReally? I said.  Yes, she replied.  A 1950’s housewife doesn’t work.

Sometimes there is a little too much smart in my smart ass.  She has a point though. While the 1950’s housewife typically was supported without having to work, there was a shift in the 60’s.  One thing that stands out in my mind is how much the objectification of women was being called out.  For example airline stewardess wore sexy mini skirts and there was a back lash against it.  Women in the work place starting asking to be more than a secretary, a stewardess, or other eye candy for a business.

By the 1970s many women were starting careers but at home they were still trying to juggle laundry, cleaning, and child care.  The solutions to being both “domestic engineer” and a career woman came in many forms.  A women could “not get into a relation” and put her career first.  Or there was daycare and house  cleaning services.  Notice that the solution rarely included a division of duties.

This was the time when we began to see “latch key kids”.  Children that came home to an empty house and let themselves in.  The “fabric” of the traditional family was slowly and steadily being re-written.  I like the idea of a man or woman staying home for the kids.  It makes more sense to me, but maybe its just that I think kids need more control and support in their lives.

Since today it seems to take two incomes to support a household, I don’t see us easily going back to a time when one income will hold a household together.   The 1970’s house wife had it bad.  She had all the duties of the 1950’s housewife, plus a career.  Izrina doesn’t have to work full time so she’s not a 1970’s housewife either.

I do want her to hold a part time job though, so I guess she’s right.  She’s not a 1950’s housewife, she is somewhere in the middle.  I’ll just call her a 1960’s housewife/slave.

 

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day?

HOX and our first DAsT

The first House of X DAsT meeting is behind us and Izrina and I are now looking forward to our next hosted event.  I decided to buy a couple pizza since its fast and easy and nearly everyone loves pizza.

A young Dominant dressed in a leather mini brought Oreos so I had Izrina whip up a pot of coffee.   Then I set out the Baileys Irish cream..  Oreo’s dunked in coffee with a shot of Baileys is just heavenly.

Conversation was all over the map.  I have been to meetings that are very structured but I think I am going to keep theses events much less formal.   It never ceases to amaze me just how nervous some first time participants can be.  I would very much like these DAsT meetings to be something that a newbie feels instantly at home at.

I am also very much looking forward to the time when the House of X is constantly busy with BDSM comings and goings.  I like a busy schedule.

Parking control is going to be a thing and so I’ll have to come up with some more permanent signs than the arrows I taped up on saw horses for this meeting.  The important thing though is that we are up and running and looking forward to be a community resource!

Late night musing

Ever wake up in the middle of the night for no particularly good reason?   Suddenly from a sound sleep you are aware of a stream of consciousness…. thoughts bubbling up like this…

  • What the hell…
  • What time is?
  • 14?  My eyes are too blurry..
  • Must be 2am
  • What the hell am I doing awake?
  • I have to pee
  • Or I could just go back to sleep
  • <Wicked grin>  Or I could wake up Izrina

 

Sometimes no good reason turns into something good…

 

 

 

And sometimes we just go back to sleep..   Carpe Diem my friends.  Be someone’s great day!

 

DAsT and a munch

What a month!   Our friends from all over the country gathered at the House of X for Izrina’s final collaring and gave wonderful blessings…. Then there was the the Hudson Valley Love of Leather munch, and then the Pike county NEPA munch, and next Friday the House of X hosts its first ever DAsT ( Doms and submissives) meeting.

We’ll see if we build a large enough group to apply, but if we get enough regular members we’ll apply for MAsT (Masters and slaves) membership.  I am hoping that Pike County and the surrounding area has enough kinky people to build a solid local community center.

To the east we have a decades old love of leather group,  and just north of that is Poughkeepsie which has a large group, and not far from there is Kingston with another large group and not far from there is the Albany power exchange.  Like the hub in a wagon wheel, Feel me breath sits in the center of all that.  To our south is NYC and TES, which is huge.  To our west is Scranton.   So we are surrounding by large cities all of which are an hour or more away.  The future looks good.

I am thinking though that we won’t have a problem finding kinky people in this area.  We already have an LGBT center, and as the word gets out, I am sure we will build a solid core group.

A shout out to chimerafemme who was an early contributor to the “Pre-electronic Party” (a fetlife group I host dedicated to stories from before the internet).   Also to a friend of many of my other friends including the Raith… DragonRob and his lovely slave.  Plus IrishDragon.

Life is moving fast.  Well, its Saturday morning and that means its time for yet more house improvement projects..  Funny.. but the closer I get to retirement the faster my life is going… life is good!

Carpe Diem my friends, be someones great day!

 

Bondage

There are many joys in bondage.  Yes, its slow but it is also sensual and gets inside your head.  Its important for the top to remain conscious of the tactical aspects..  the touching, the feeling of rope being drawn over skin, the pinching, the restriction, the pressure on sensitive spaces, and the sense of invasion while helpless.   Helpless invasion is a mind fuck worth playing with and it starts with trust…

Bondage is awesome.

Bondage with sex, is better than awesome.. just saying…

 

 

We don’t fight!

Vile will tell you that he never fights with his slave.  Is this the nature of Ds?  Can it be that we hold some magical formula that only Masters and slaves understand?  I am sure many a couple would like to unlock the secret of our endless happiness.  Others would just like to throw up and stick a fork in it.

First, its important to remember that your girl’s girlfriends are evil, men hating, nasty bitches.  Yup…  Keep your slave’s slave sister close and her nilla friends far away.  She needs to be around people who get it.  And I’m only half kidding about this.  In my less than humble opinion there is entirely too much men hating and women hating disguised as a genuine concern out there.  BEWARE!

But even if you aren’t battling the quibbling little back biting crap poked in your partner’s ear by jealous assholes that couldn’t keep a good relation together with steel cuffs, we still won’t fight…

Is it because I am always right?  Or because she accepts that I have the final say on everything?  Maybe.. but I think its something else.. Maybe its because she is worried that if she really, really screws up, it will end up in a blog..  he he!  Why would I want to lessen that concern?  <wicked grin>

 

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

Tantra meditation

It was about a decade ago that I saw for the first time, a Master cause his slave to orgasm by shear control.  It was right then and there that I determined that I too would master this level of control.   That Master however was very coy about how he achieve this miracle and so I had to pilgrimage to find the answers.

Barbara Carrellas was a natural step in the evolution of what I would later master.   Barbara had claimed that she could orgasm without external stimulation and she could teach others to do the same.  So it was that I found myself in many of her workshops, and it is in one of those workshops something inexplicable happened to me.

We were seated around her as she guided us in mediation, perhaps 150 or maybe 200 of us.  As I opened my chakras and energy flowed up my spine I was suddenly overcome with an emotional wave that I cannot to this day describe I can tell you that I wept and moaned quite loudly.   In my physical mind I could see the thoughts coming and going and they were cautioning me to get hold of myself because this was a large group and I was being a disturbance and embarrassing.   Another part of me took that voice and forcefully thrust in back down inside myself and said in a loud voice, NO!.. you need this.  So I rode the wave.  I wrung every last tear out that was offered up on this sacrificial moment.   Barbara simply walked over, left a few tissues, and went back attending the class.  In retrospect that was exactly what I needed.  Like a slave entering subspace I didn’t need someone ripping me out of my head space to ask if I was OK.

Shortly after this experience I began to lead meditation sessions of my own, because I was very eager to explore deeper in this new realm.  One interesting side note to this is that I can become quite high…without drugs..  just from engaging this head space at will.  It was only a few years later that Izrina came into my life and I discovered that I could command her to orgasm as I had seen earlier.  I have since demonstrated this many times in front of many people, nearly always with Izrina fully clothed.

I won’t go into the mechanics of how I get to this headspace.. that is better left to a private session.   From time to time I still lead a Tantric meditation session in which couples experience sexual penetration, fully clothed.  I should mention that these couples can be male/female or male/male or female/female.. BUT one person must accept the male role and one must accept the female role as the energy exchange involves thrusting and squeezing.

Funny story:  In one such session, two women were partners and the more Dominant one chose to be the “male” in that session.  When it was done she said in an surprised voice: “I had a penis”!  then she added: “I didn’t like it”.

But all of this is just baking the cake.  The real icing on this story is the most recent addition to my experiences with Tantra.   Believe it or not, I have never combined Tantra with actual sex with Izrina.. or had not… until after her final collaring.

As I mentioned in an earlier blog, Izrina received a very nice S&M session after her collaring.   So much so that she went into a deep subspace and had to be half carried – half walked to bed.  It wasn’t until the next night that I could consummate her collaring with some good old fashioned sex – but for the first time ever – she also received Tantra mediation with the sex.

I won’t build up the story or go into explicit details but I will tell you this.  Her reaction and orgasm was off the charts.  Hey Mikey… I think she likes it!

 

Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day.

Nilla vs Ds – Breakups are hard to do

In the interests of transparency, this blog is being undertaken as a direct result of the following exchange:

  • Xtac -This (blog) is worthy of a mentor letter or call.. My dearest Kitt… submission is a dial that goes from zero to one hundred. At the one hundred setting all negotiations have been completed and all power that will be transferred has been… but that is just the end of the beginning. Within each hundred setting is another hundred.. Having reached the end of the beginning you now start the journey of internalization… also known as IE.. internal enslavement. As the personal boundaries come down there are scary moments where a slave feels a sense of personal identity slipping away.. It is the opening of a raw and unfettered connection so deep and profound that the loss of a partner can be more painful than a simple nilla breakup by many factors. There are many discoveries still awaiting Izrina, never fear…
  • njntje – ‘a simple nilla breakup’? Perhaps from where you sit, but for me that seems a bit self righteous. Rant over, sorry Kit and master B

From one perspective, njntje is correct.  Nothing is more tragic to a lover than their first breakup.  Nor does it get easier with age and experience.  The closer we get to someone, the more we allow ourselves to open and vulnerable, the more risk we take.  But we take this risk knowing that you can’t have mountains without valleys.  To have it all, you must risk it all.

From another perspective, there simply is no comparison between a Ds breakup and a nilla.  The risks a slave or Master takes is in my option greater.  That opinion of course is open to debate but I base my thinking on experience.  I want to dive deeper into my thinking along these lines as this has been a pivotal part of my life.  My story begins in the 1980’s.


The early life of X

A person may start out with BDSM desires, fantasies, and tendencies but we grow up in a nilla world and into this world we begin to date and it is into this world we pursue our first relationships.

So it was that I grew up trying to be the sensitive caring male that valued equality but loved bondage and force fantasy role playing.  Girl friends came and went but it wasn’t until I took my first slave that I truly knew what I wanted.. HOW I wanted my relationships to be.

She was not called a slave…I didn’t have the words at the time to describe as I can now.  She was at my beck and call, a beauty who did as commanded, and we did everything I ever wanted.  For me it was love and so much more, but I was a summer romance to her and at the end of the summer she left me.

Before the breakup I was lean, muscular, dominant and demanding.  I began a period of slowly killing myself with self pity.  I drank, I didn’t exercise, I ate to excess.  I wanted to die…very literally.  If I knew then what I know now about choking and breath play I would have killed myself.

I have described myself as a phoenix because inside I did die.  But it is from the ashes of that relationship that Master X arose.  Now, looking back over the decades of successful and failed relations I can see clearly.


 

Comparing pain

Pain is pain, and yet sometimes it is not.  Life is not always simple.  Some pain is intolerable.  Some pain is pleasurable.  A rose by any other name may still be a rose but we still manage to prefer red for some occasions and white roses for other.

So it is with breakups.  If the worse pain you ever felt was the loss of your childhood sweetheart, than you can’t image or even agree that there could be a worse pain.  To try to convince you otherwise would be a fools task and it would undermine that persons experience.  It would seem like an attempt to invalidate that experience.

Nothing of course could be further from the truth but we all live in our own unique world shaped by our unique experiences and understandings.  It is the experiences we collect over a life time that give us the ability to change our perspective and with that change say things that others may not agree with.

The dial analogy

I have often described submission as a dial with settings from zero to one hundred.  At zero you submit to no one unless the situation forces this upon you.   At one hundred all negotiated agreements are in place and you are giving every bit of authority you can to another.

Yet even at one hundred, there are another one hundred settings inside the one hundred setting.  This one hundred inside the one hundred is the journey of a life time, the discovery that so many in a TPE or CNC relation explore.  The words that begin that exploration are IE or internalized slavery.

Which is better?

For each person a different setting on the dial is better.  The best choice for you is the one that you are most comfortable with.  It should go without saying, but the best partner for you is one who balances out your preference.  If you prefer to be at one hundred on the analogy dial you should not be building a relationship with someone just like you.  If you are one hundred on the analogy dial you need someone who is zero on the dial.

IE or Internal Enslavement

EE or external enslavement is evil.  It is the enslavement of another being by means of force, intimation, containment, and violence.  Internal enslavement however is a beautiful thing..  it is the fulfillment of your needs in a relationship that grows and grows.

As a slave begins the journey into internal enslavement there are periods where the Master they serve must be prepared for IE or there will be issues.  Because the slave is becoming an extension of the Master’s will.. essentially just another arm that may be flexed and extended at whim, there is a sense of individually that drops away.

This period of losing one’s personality is part of an evolution in the slave, not unlike a caterpillar that emerges as a butterfly.  The process is not always gentle.  What a Master does during this adjustment is to help the slave see their value and contribution.

NO Master worth their salt wants a useless slave..  Each slave comes with talents that exceed those of the Master.  Perhaps the slave is better at budgeting, or negotiating a sale, or something else.  Whatever the slave is best at, these are the things the Master will most likely entrust into the hands of the slave and these areas will be an area of autonomy.. an area where the slave can shine.

It is in these areas of autonomy, and in the duties of slave, that a new focus of personal satisfaction arises and out of that satisfaction a new sense of purpose and understanding of who and what you are.

Surviving a Ds breakup

The closer you get to one hundred on the dial… or zero as was my case.. the more their is a need for your partner.   In my personal quotes are lines that speak to my experiences and lessons learned from what it is like to have half of your personality ripped away..

When this is your orientation, your passion is the journey of a lifetime. We are all on different points in this journey, but we share the same road. ~Xtac Quote, speaking on bdsm

Place your head before of your heart, before you place your heart before your head. Respect is not earned, its a reflection of your own values, but trust, that is earned. Once earned though, you must follow your heart. ~ Xtac Quote

In love, I am like a mirror. This is not a simple metaphor. It has taken me years to understand how to be a good lover. A mirror lives for interaction. When engaged, it is present, totally in the moment, and when left, does not pine or cling for the next interaction. No, a mirror is, completely content to just be, and like a mirror, when a lover comes to me, I am truth reflected, need reflected. I am all that you bring: desire, passion, compassion. I am there for, and completely with you; focused on and in that moment. There is much more, but put simply, to be a good lover, I must be a mirror. ~Xtac Quote

What everyone should do, is choose wisely, that which they focus their attention, passion, and energy upon. ~Xtac Quote

Our value is determined by what we bring to a relationship, not the relationship itself. ~ Xtac Quote

All quotes

It is that last quote that is the most telling.  I went to an important and significant event a while back without Izrina by my side.  With her by my side you see a physical manifestation of the Master I am.  Her every attention to me makes this point.  But alone I could be anyone.  How then do we carry ourselves without the person that completes us?  The answer is in seeing our value, in seeing what we bring to the relationship.

When I considered suicide in the 80’s and actually practiced a slow form of it, I was lost.  I could not see the Master I was without my slave.  So too, a slave without a Master may feel worthless.  After all, taking is the most important part of giving.

What I learned was that we must always see the value in ourselves.. with or without a partner.   Yes we can build these deeply connected relations but our own self value must always be rooted in what we bring the relation, not the relation itself.

Final analysis.. Nilla vs Ds

Is breaking up harder for a Dominant/slave than for a nilla relation?  It depends on your perspective.  As outlined above we must consider how a person processing pain, and we must consider the degree of their orientation as a Master or slave,  and into this mix we must consider if this person has begun to touch upon IE and if they have come to understand their interactions with the internalization of enslavement, have they learned to separate the value they bring to the relationship, or are they trapped in the notion that their relationship IS their value?

When one undertakes a serious commitment to total power exchange the nuances become subtle and complex.  From my perspective, I see a slave as having no personal boundaries.  A slave’s mind is an open book.  This leads to a raw honesty.   It is not always an easy thing to accept the raw uncompromising truth of another.  In a nilla relation you need not explain your thoughts but to a slave the Master is often also your therapist and the person at your confessional. The Master listens to your sins, takes away your burdens, and completes your needs.

As such the relationship is symbiotic.  All breakups tear away half of what you need but in a Ds relationship that need is more than 50/50.  A slave fulfills a Master’s need to Dominate just as a Master fulfills a slave’s needs.  The deeper the roots of your partner delve into your life, the worse the pain at their removal.  In my experience, Ds roots run very deep.

From my perspective, and because I see Ds roots deeply entangled into the very fiber and core of our being, I see a Ds breakup as much more complex than a nilla.  Right or wrong, this is my perspective.

The plan

Because so much of my life has been deeply shaped by my personal experience around breakups, the House of X mission will be tied to slaves without Masters.   We will strive to be a community resource with workshops and play parties but our first goal will be to be a place that serves the brokenhearted.

 

 

Disclaimer –  I loath having to make these comments but it seems we often must explain the obvious.  Obviously each Master trains differently, and obviously all submission is not the same.  Therefore it naturally follows that not all Ds relations are “entangled into the very fiber and core of our being”.   I am thinking in terms of CNC, and TPE as is my direction and the direction of CNC/TPE in general, but it should be noted that even within that subset not all approach training the same way.. obviously.