More reflecting

I generally do not engage in debate on Fetlife.  I find it counter-productive to try to change a mind that is already made up.. Nor am I likely to change my mind.  I do believe in being prepared to change my mind if a fact I have not previously considered comes up, but usually I try to consider all angles before I open my mouth.

Don’t allow appearing to have been wrong, to get in the way of actually being right. ~ Xtac Quote



Fetlife post

The above link leads to the below comment.  I saw a friend comment on this page and really wanted to weigh in on the whole rioting, burning looting thing.

I believe in aggressive, non-violent, confrontation. That is NOT the same as being a pacifist.

In the long game I think you do more for your cause with this strategy that being a pacifist or turning to violence.

The only exception to this value is when a belief system systematically sets out to exterminate or enslave another group.

On a side note: I find it hard to believe the local citizens want what is happening to their community. Makes me wonder if the violence wasn’t brought in rather than spontaneous. I’m sure protests were spontaneous. Maybe the police station too. But burning and looting fellow citizens? Doesnt sound like something you do to your own.

Who goes to their local butcher, Baker, corner store and burns them down out of anger and frustration at someone else?. Dont you turn that anger on your oppressor if you are going to use violence at all?

Who sees someone they dont like, then punches the person next to them – a total innocent?

Aggressive, organized, confrontational, non-violence freed an entire country. It can work here.

I later thought about how this applies to BDSM

In BDSM I have often said that a DOM who acts in anger is no DOM at all. When a Dominant finds themselves ready to act in anger that is exactly the time to walk away, develop a cooler head, and then plan a strategy that works to the long term advantage of all parties involved. A Dominant MUST develop this skill to be a true Dominant A submissive who finds themselves in service to a Dominant who can’t control their anger should get out of that relationship immediately. Anger and frustration are great motivators but lousy strategist. If you want to defeat an opponent.. make them angry. A person who is angry is off-balance and more easily defeated.

I don’t really want to debate this whole thing.  Many people have their opinions and I have mine and two of my core-value beliefs will shape what I think.. 1) When you get angry you loose any advantage and slip into making mistakes and poor choices.  2) Aggressive, cool headed, non-violent, confrontation is the way to get things done.

When my slave pisses me off, and my control goes up, and I speak in firm soft tones is exactly the time she should really start to be concerned.

Carpe Diem my friends.  Be someone’s great day!  Stay safe.  And if you are going to burn and loot do it at a safe distance while wearing a mask!


Reflecting on race

BDSM is not without its arguments over what should or not be said or done or in some cases even thought.  We engage in a battle of words over age and gender, and best practices all of the time.  Starting a conversation in Fetlife is likely to draw down a whirl-wind of opinions of which some can be quite heated and turn personal and nasty.

Why this subject?  Neighborhoods in Minneapolis are in flames.  I has caused me to reflect on race and the police in general.  It freaks me out sometimes when I find myself as an older Euro-American man, talking with a younger Afro-American person of any gender.  OK.. I am just going to say white and black..

I am very conscious of the horrors visited on black women during the times of American slavery.  Women were often used by the Master and his male children as sex toys and when a child was born.. and the Master saw his own face in that child.. he still left that child in slavery.  Often the child was sold so he didn’t have to think about it and his wife didn’t constantly see it.

I can’t even begin to touch the emotional pain I feel trying to grasp what it takes to sell your own child in slavery so you don’t have to look at them.  Worse.. their female children were lighter skinned and therefore even more likely to be sexually assaulted.

Here we are one and a half centuries later and though all of the guilty have long since died or are extremely aged, the embers still burn.  So when I talk with a black man or woman about the joys of consensual slavery.. yeah… I am often very weirded out when talking with someone new to me.   Not surprising really.. each generation of humans comes along every 20 years and it really hasn’t been that long that segregation was seriously shut down.. what.. maybe three generations?

That being said.. this thing about cops.. it has just as many facets.  On one level I want to support the men in blue.. and on another I don’t.   I know at least part of the problem.  Police look for criminals.

If I am the only one in their view so that I am their only target then they are looking for criminal activity in me.  It makes me very uncomfortable because I know that nearly anyone can be confronted with something if you look hard enough.  I don’t like to be around Police.  They make me nervous.  I can count on one hand the number of times a cop was actually helpful and not intimidating.

By the same token, if I was in a rough neighborhood filled with gang members I would like to see a cop around.  I thought a lot about that and I realized the reason I would welcome a cop in that situation is because I am not nearly as likely to get the scrutiny that the thugs will.  I’ll be viewed as the person to be protected.. and isn’t that what black people have been saying all along?

In any situation, the police are looking for criminal activity.  When they have a choice between people to take a better look at.. they must make decisions about who looks like they are more likely a threat or engaged in criminal activity.   I don’t know what the police are trained to look for.. I’m not a cop.. but I can easily see how.. if you stop 100 people and find a problem with 25 of them.. and the greater portion are black..  you begin to develop a pattern which leads to certain conclusions.

NYC had stop and frisk laws.   Not a bad idea as long as you stop an equal percentage of each race.   Grandma in the walker and business man in the suit needs the same treatment as the white or black dude with his pants half down around his ass.  So where would that leave us?   Probably with Grandma and the business man being found with nothing.  What about the “gangsta”?  Probably more had some weed on them than Grandma.. maybe not.  At least you can show the stats of who was stopped and what was found.. a before and after and those are facts not prejudice.

Not that I am entirely for “the rule of law”.  The prohibition period was moronic.   The anti-marijuana laws are more of the same.  Why the hell can’t someone with advanced cancer seek assisted suicide?   I am strongly in favor of the concept of “my body-my choice”.

If my slave consents to assault leading to bruises that is between us.. or should be..  Assault like that by the way would most likely involve a whip or strap.  When laws are passed that abridge my right, or my slave’s rights, to choose what is done with our body I think it is inherent to peacefully resist that law.

I watched a video as people walked through broken windows and came back out with handfuls of goods.   I felt the urge that anyone in that situation would… Why not me too?  Everyone else is…  I could feel how compelling that urge would be.

I like to think that mask or no mask I would resist the urge to get some free goodies.  I like to think that I would shake my head and just walk away.  That’s because I know that later and forever I would deeply regret my choice in that moment.  The thing is.. you never really know what you will do in a situation until you face it.

I understand that people have passion and they are angry.  I do not believe however that is justifies violence and destruction.  Doing the right thing is always the right thing to do.  We must always strive to rise above.  Being a better person means you take the high road, ethically speaking.  Above all, joining a mob and participating in such a group is very likely to lead to you being swept up into emotions that lead to actions you will later regret.

If you haven’t seen the old black and white movie “To Kill a Mockingbird”, watch it.  Justice is a fickle thing.  Mob mentality always thinks it is doing the right thing but it often leads to greater injustice.  When you are emotional and angry is EXACTLY the time to take a breath and think.  No matter how flawed our system is.. and believe me I think it is flawed – we must let the system work.   ( See Blackstone’s ratio or Blackstone’s formulation).

The cop who put his knee to that mans throat needs to go down.  I know that police stand up for other police even when they know they have a bad apple among them.  It’s like a code of blue.  That has to change.  I just hope the violence ends, and justice is served.

Do not despair.  We who would hold onto what is right and good and just will prevail.  Let your heart not be troubled.   Seize this day and make it good.  Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!



3 am

3 am… I woke from a dream in which my uncle had died..

It caused me to reflect on my life.. and I resolved to do more meaningful things with the time I have left, but then I checked my social media, and Fetlife, then my work email.. responded to some unattended work.. did some approvals and lined up work for the morning and here it is 4 am..

I dived right back into the mess.  I wonder.. people say they are too busy..  I say I am too busy…  are we?    I mean, I get up at 6:30 am.. then either do some yard work.. or check social media.. then it’s online work from home at 7:30..  by 9 I’ve had a quick shower and its the drive into the office.  I use the time in the car to call family.. family is important.. Usually I’m too busy to leave the office.. I keep a min-fridge and microwave in my office and grab something healthy without stopping.. Home by 4:30.  I use that drive time to call friends..if they are available.. or I listen to music.  At home its right into my grunge jeans to do yard or auto projects.. by 6:45 it’s time to prep for 7pm protocol.  A few quick checks on the work I do for a living.. Then a few slow moments for dinner, after which it’s a few glorious moments.. 15 to 20 in a hot bath while I soak out the sore spots.. then its a final check on work for a living… before a final check on social media.  Bys 9 pm, or 9:30 I have maybe 60 mins or less that I don’t know what to do with. The other night I indulged in 15 minutes of Netflix.. a show on how to prepare meals quicker and more efficiently.. yeah..  I don’t know how to relax.

I have to find more time for friends..  but where do I find that time?  I quit literally am booked solid.   Any time I could really give, would usually come out of lunch I force myself to take, or time I would be sleeping.  Sleep.. I’ve always needed 8 to 9 hours.. Not sure why.

I woke at 3am.  My uncle had died.  It was not a morbid or sad death.  He had a large field and he had redirected some of a stream to run into a smaller stream that crossed his field and emptied into a series of small ponds filled with fish and frogs.. an arched bridge and other little landscape details.. a very beautiful achievement.  He had been sitting admiring the creation of his life when he passed.  He looked very peaceful.  I am trying to create a beautiful place too.. but the beauty I create will be passed on to others when I pass.. I think it is important that we leave the world a better place when move on.

Some things we only have so much of.  I’ve heard that a woman has all the eggs she will ever have already.. when they are gone the are gone.  Time is like that.   We do not own our time.. each minute is a precious gift…  We cannot own our time we can only receive and spend it wisely.  Therein lies the heart of my soul searching.  Am I spending the time I have been given wisely, choosing to share these thoughts with you at 4:30 in the morning when I could be snuggling up to my slave?   Decisions, decisions.. it all comes down to decisions.

Life is meant for dancing..  we should not worry about the decisions.  We should free our hearts and just dance through life.  It is OK to let the currents of our associations and will bounce us along the stream of our life.  No moment spent with a friend or nature is wasted even if you fall asleep..  or pass away as my uncle did in my dream..  Nothing is ever really created or destroyed and we only just barely understand what that means…  but as the children of the universe that we are, it’s not important to worry ourselves with meaning.. we are meant to dance… and dance I shall until my last breath.  I will dance with joy, I will dance with determination,  I will dance with freedom,  I will dance to share..  Time to return to the warm embrace of sleep and my slave…

Carpe Diem my friends.. be someone’s great day!

Just a dream

Spoiler alert:  If you are homophobic, don’t read this.


I have had many dreams in my life.. that is to say life ambitions that wanted to fulfill.  Making the House of X or HOX is becoming a reality.   Finding someone I think I can grow old with gracefully is another.

My night dreams from while I sleep however I rarely remember.  I wake and sometimes I remember briefly then forget again.   Other times I wake suddenly and the dream is still with me.  This is one of those night dreams.  It was 2:30 am.

I was out with a friend…  a motor head… drinking with some other buddies.  We were talking engines and tuneups and horsepower tweaks.  They all decided that we should switch bars but something got mixed up and we ended up at the wrong next spot.  We were bragging about who was the most drunk and suddenly we were at my friends home… not sure how that happened.. scenery just changes sometimes in a dream.

Since I was really, really drunk and I basically just wanted to sleep I asked him to take me home and that’s when he leaned in…

He had long blond hair and stubble of a mustache and beard not grown in yet.. sort of a George Michael look with these really pouty full lips.   His eyes still wide open..  but close enough I knew he was thinking we should kiss. I pulled back and held up a hand.  “Woah!” I said.  “I’ve always been heterosexual.”

He said nothing but sat back looking crushed and I suddenly felt really, really bad for him.  I wondered if I did something to lead him on.  “It’s not that I’m homophobic” I said to him.  “It’s just that it wouldn’t be fair to you”.  “I would never get an erection”. 

( Now that is not entirely true because if I wasn’t in a monogamous relation I would take a blowjob from any gender but it was a dream and that didn’t come up in the conversation.. not sure why).

He turned to me and suddenly I thought – Oh fuck… why not.   So I grabbed him by his long hair pulled him in beneath me, closed my eyes and gave him a long passionate kiss.  Ever the Dom, I totally controlled the situation and he just melted.  Ignore for a moment that this was gay.

Just imagine the sweetest kiss you have ever had..  the intensity, the longing. There is that first tender brush of softness, of wetness, that presses harder and harder as you pass that first awkward moment and dive into the passion of the moment.   Eyes closed, you dive headlong into just the feeling of that moment..  Your mind disconnects and a zen like state of connection opens..  with just two people intensely feeling hunger and need as one.

We both came up for air and it was in that moment that I woke.  I lay in bed, half asleep and half awake.. remembering..  and drifting in and out the dream state.   In that moment he pulled me back into the dream state, grabbed my cock and began sucking.

I fully awoke then and suddenly was filled with the feeling.. Oh my God what have I done?  This person is going to have such a terribly strong feeling of love and I will certainly find someone else and hurt them horribly.  They will give and give hoping to be my everything and never fully win my heart in return.

I was fully awake then.. filled with mixed feelings all jumbled and confused.   I thought of the women in my ast with whom I have shared similar situations.. and others…   Like I said, I’ve never been homophobic.    I list in Fetlife as heteroflexible.

It’s now 3:15 am.  I wanted to write it all down while I could remember it.  There are two people from my past that I am thinking of now..  Persons I would have hooked up with if they or I were not with someone else at the time.

Dreams don’t always present pictures of exactly who or what we are thinking of, they often just present the feelings we have been going over.  In our dreams our feelings are showed to us in different situations and pictures.   It’s what you feel in a dream that is important…  It’s the feelings of a dream that tell us something important, not the images.

I also believe dreams are another realm and I wondered if I was dancing with someone’s waking consciousness that dream and if so with who?   I have much to consider in my waking life.

So there you have it..   the un-tarnished truth of my experience for what ever it does or doesn’t do for you.   Love is love not matter what body it comes with.  Sexual attraction is what it is and if you do or don’t get attracted to one type or another it is nothing to get worked up about.  We worry too much about what does or doesn’t turn us on.

A heterosexual person should not be embarrassed or need to apologize for not being aroused by the same sex any more than a homosexual person should have to be embarrassed fro what arouses them.  Nor do we have to “get” why some people are different.  We just have to respect that we are different.  We are wired the way we are.  We need to get over it if we are different.

More importantly, the world needs more love.  We need to care for each other.  We need to be courteous, considerate, and respectful.   We fear the unknown… its natural.. but we need to boldly trust that diversity can make use stronger, when both sides respect each-others opposing views.   By the same token, there is no need to respect a person who won’t respect you.   Carpe Diem my friends.  Go forth and make a great day for yourself and do it by being someone’s great day!

Your boss’s boss

I don’t usually talk about work.  It can be a weird thing being both a Dominant and an employer.  There are lines that I want to make sure I don’t cross.   I need to make sure that the reflex responses I have with my consensual slave, don’t bleed over in the mannerisms at work.

The power dynamics at work however are very,  very interesting.  I find that with my upper management I tend to be very much like a submissive.   Their desires become my desires… their wants and needs become my focus…  Interestingly it does not rub my Dominant nature the wrong way.   The needs of my slave come first too.  In many ways the give and take of the BDSM relation has elements on both sides of the equation that are shared.

Now an interesting situation has begun to occur at work.  The boss above my boss has started to come to me directly with tasks and questions.   This is very interesting from a power perspective.

On the one side, it probably means that my boss’s boss .. we’ll call him “my VP”… recognizes that my immediate boss is a very busy man and doesn’t need to be bothered with every little detail.    It may also mean that my VP has developed a sense of trust that he can count on me and doesn’t need a “whip” to make sure what he gives me gets done… and by whip I mean he goes to my boss to make sure my boss follows up and sees that I get my task done.

On the other side this is a very dangerous development.   It’s never good to have your boss going directly to your employees and not be in the loop.    By circumnavigating my boss – my VP is feeding a sense of insecurity ( presuming my boss has those).  It is important when dealing with a superior to be viewed as an asset and not a threat.  Even if he does not have any insecurities there will be that nagging question of loyalty to be entertained.  Every boss knows that there are employees who just don’t like you and you can never be sure if that will turn into a problem for your authority.

Mind you..  I am not looking for advise.  I’ve navigated the waters of corporate politics for decades and I feel confident that this can be turned to a possessive..  a win win if you will.    Its all just very interesting and it has me wondering a bit… where is the BDSM hook?     I am thinking this might be more of a situation arising from poly dynamics rather than a two person BDSM relation.

Anyway… great sharing with you as always.   Stay safe..  stay free..   Mental health is important too so if you are feeling claustrophobic from Covid-19 lock down go for a walk in the woods, stand beside a stream, enjoy the view from a mountain top… unless of course your local government is restricting travel for mental health in which case I would get a doctors prescription for a walk in the woods first…  Sad that its come to that, eh?   Carpe Diem my friends..  Do your best to be someone’s great day!



Short attention span theatre

It has always driven me a little crazy how politicians can do something awful or something really great and 30 days later everyone is refocused on something entirely new.  For most people its not the historical view of a thing that makes it good or bad its what’s being said TODAY that matters..  or so it seems to me.

Remember when Covid_19 first made you very concerned for yourself and your loved ones?   There was the panic.. the need to make sure you were doing all you could.. and then nothing.. and more nothing.. as you social distanced.  Maybe you lost loved ones.. maybe it never got that close…  but as we get closer to the 30 days since your concern peaked..  short attention span theatre kicks in…  I even see it in myself..  thoughts like.. so what.. its not that bad..  maybe I should invite a bunch of friends over for some good times….

AND NOW FOR THE BDSM HOOK… (you knew it was coming didn’t you)

The same is true for BDSM.   If BDSM is not your orientation.. if BDSM is a lifestyle choice, not who you are…  it will slip over time.  That’s just the way it is.  It is very easy to let a little thing go here or there…  a rule..   a protocol…   little slip ups get to slide…

It’s no different for a bottom than a top.  If you are a Dom but don’t feel it, it becomes too much trouble to enforce.. to sit down and talk..  to chastise and review the slip ups.   If you are a submissive it becomes too much trouble to follow every detail of your protocols.. too easy to skip what might not be noticed..  You get too busy for that..

There is a thing we call the 90 day Dom..  who can fake it for 90 days but then starts to slide.  There should be a 90 day sub category too.   This is just one more reason to take it slow when your hormones are raging, the sex is great, and you want to dive in head first.  It’s one more reason I support the three collars at every turn.

So yeah.. if you were lucky enough to find that someone special who fulfills all your kinky desires.. and was not just a flash in the pan 90 day wonder… then Covid-19 distancing probably isn’t a problem.  At least not for the introverts..  Those who are a little more extroverted will still be dealing with a need.


Mental health.  There are people not dealing with this whole thing so well.   I see it all around my community.   There are folks freaking out.  Personally I was designed from the ground up for an apocalypse so that’s not me.. but I get it.  If you are having trouble dealing I highly recommend a walk in the woods.. to stand by a stream or river.. or a mountain top.   The world is a beautiful place..  so go get some..  Carpe diem my friends… be someone’s great day.

Second Life to the rescue!

Normally you would never hear these words pass my lips but these are not normal times.   Try Second Life!

For those of us who live it 24X7 or manage to get to a play party once in a while Second Life is insipid.   It is the refuge of folks who are distanced or otherwise can’t play in real life… hello?

None of us can play in real life now unless you are living with your play partner.  Your first life.. aka your “real” life is on hold now what with “in place sheltering” and all.

So now is your chance to find out what all those persons with a virtual “Second Life” have been so keen on all this time.   For you first timers there are some things to get used to.. ways of interacting that are expected.   As a newbie you will take a while to adjust… but you’ll get there and learn.

Second life can stir your imagination and fire up your juices and since many of us have nothing better to do but sit and long for some interaction.. why not give it a whirl?  Keep your profile nilla and you can visit awesome places.. musuems, natural wonders…

Years ago I was thrown off the Star Trek Enterprise Ship for my inappropriate BDSM attire.  I mention that little mishap because it should give you an idea just how deep the rabbit hole can go.  There are some VERY cool places to go and see..  Some are kinky and some are not.

Release your inner child and let yourself play.  Carpe Diem.. sieze the day and make it yours!  And along the way, try to be someone’s great day!

It all begins here >>

Hope is alive!

More good news for you to focus on!



While the TOTAL number of cases and deaths continues to rise, notice how the number of NEW cases has started to drop as citizens begin to take seriously, the need to “Social Distance”.



Let’s talk for a moment about “Social Distancing”.  We are social people but in this day and age we don’t socialize the way we did 100 years ago.   Hell we don’t even socialize the way we did ten years go.

We are not “Social Distancing” thanks to FaceBook, Twitter, Blogs, and community online resources.   We are “Physical Distancing”.    This is doable.   Don’t get caught up in the negativity of distancing.

We are all still in touch, and there is much to be hopeful for.



Now let’s talk for a moment about this “Physical Distancing”.   As today’s CDC shows, “Physical Distancing” works to slow the spread.

We cannot however simply do this for months on end.   I fully expect that we are going to do a “Distancing on”, “Distancing off, “Distancing on”, “Distancing off”, thing.

By dialing back, then letting off, then repeating, we will see waves of infections come in.. But here is the hopeful part of that.  These waves will come in manageable bite size waves.



Yes, there will be infections, and yes there will be deaths.  That is going to happen.  But don’t buy into the negativity.   We have drugs now in testing, vaccines in human trials, more new drugs on the way,  drive-thru testing,  15 minutes tests,  in home test kits coming..

These “WAVES” will give us time to deal with the infected.  The treatments will get better with each wave.  In between we can regroup and improve.



Hang in there people.. hope has arrived!   Carpe Diem!  Go forth virtually speaking and be someone’s great day.  Maybe you should reach out to an ederly shut in and see if you can bring supplies.  Be someone’s great day!

Hope is on its way

Back in January, I started preparing for the worse and hoping for the best.

Two weeks ago I saw the need to “flatten the curve”, so I wrote about doing what you can to social distance.

Stories of craziness came in and I wrote about staying calm. We need to be focused but civil.

Then we had the last supper… A last chance for us to get together for a sense of normalcy before we hunkered down and got very serious about social distancing.

Then I wrote about my frustration about just waiting… and waiting.. and waiting.. All my planning was done.. nothing left to do…


A dear friend and brother in leather wrote this:

As a bit of a control freak, this feeling of having no control over a situation takes me out of my wheelhouse. Even though so much was a false sense of control, I hate not even having that anymore. And as a planner it is difficult with rules and news changing multiple times a day.

I get it. In fact I wrote about the same sentiments a few days earlier. Another good friend and brother in leather who is in law enforcement wrote about his concerns of rising violence. I get that too..


We are in uncharted waters


There is plenty of reason to be concerned, fearful, panicky… but as your mind goes so too do your actions. Now is the time for the power of positive thinking. While you are busy learning to deal with social distancing, stay positive… there is much to be hopeful for…

Labs in countries all over the world are working hard… Vaccines are in human trials…. The world might finally have a drug that helps instead of just putting people in beds and watching them… In the US… Bayer donated 3 million doses…. FDA will fast track the testing… drive through testing is picking up speed.. Extra hospital beds plans are mobilizing… Most people are starting to understand the need to social distance… We have lots of reason for hope!

If you find yourself overwhelmed, take a walk.. hug a tree… stand on a mountain… go to a park.. walk in the woods… Nature is healing… The hustle and bustle of the electronic era never was good for your blood pressure.. It’s good to step back, take a deep breath and slow down once in a while..

Some people knew this instinctively. For those of you forced to do it now.. take it as a experience from which you can diversify your thinking and grow. We have much to do to make this a great planet to live on. This might be the tough love we needed to come together and do the right things.

Carpe Diem my friends.. Be someone’s great day.. at a distance of course!

Let’s dance, Bitch!

Dealing with Covid-19 probably has a lot of overlap with dealing with cancer.  As nations we are probably going to go through the five stages of grief.  In case you need a refresher on those, here they are again:

The five steps of grief…. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

I would say I am on depression. At first I was thinking.. how bad can it be (Denial).  Then I was pissed (Fuck! Those North Koreans said to expect a Christmas present).   Then  I prepared, prepared, prepared. You know.. prepare for the worse and hope for the best.

I like action. There is no action left… just waiting… and waiting… and hope… I feel like there must be something I missed.. some action to take… but no.. its just waiting….

Its only been a few days but I’m tired of waiting already.  I want to go out grab Covid-19 by the throat and say .. common bitch, let’s dance!