I try to not write more than once a week so as to not make reading a chore but I just engaged with someone in which I stressed what I think is important and my top two were collars and the four areas of negotiation. I got to thinking its been a while since I commented on this… so here goes.
COLLARS, part 1 – Modern BDSM folk tend to make fun of those of us who talk about certain old ideas like the three collars. They will refer to it as idiots who believe in the “One Twue Way”. Wrong. ANY undertaking will have best practices. If you have the opportunity to learn from the mistakes of others by studying best practices, you should.
NEGOTIATIONS – That brings us to negotiations. If you are going to be a slave or a Master you MUST understand each other. This requires time and in depth discussion. You can’t just start “training” a slave to suck cock and think your work is done. Before any training starts you need to ask questions like: What are you looking for? What is your past experience? What worked? What Failed?, Why?, What are your hard limits? Do you accept being pushed on fears and limits?
You need a framework, a list of subjects to cover, and understand. I wrote a piece some time ago on the “four areas of negotiation” to help folk think beyond just controlling the body and the mind. Negotiation is a very critical “best practice”.
COLLARS, part 2 – And that takes us back into why the three collars are a best practice. Again, I wrote on the Three Collars. The three collars are consideration, training, and the final collar.
The reason why these are important is because Negotiations are important. Each collar represents an different phase in your negotiations. When you are considering a slave, you are saying “hands off” to other Doms but you are also dipping your toe in the water. Are there any things that surface immediately that are going to put this relation on the rocks. I for example would NEVER get past.. “I don’t swallow”. If a prospective slave won’t perform full oral service to my satisfaction, we can call it quits right there.
A collar of consideration lasts as long as it takes to determine that a relationship is worth looking into. There is also virtually no commitment with a collar of consideration. If you want out, you just bow out. No big deal.
When and IF you feel fairly comfortable with moving into training THAT is when its time to upgrade. The first collar could be a week or a few weeks.. or longer.. or shorter. Its all about how you feel its going. There really is no reason for a Dom to order oral service until a slave is in training. There is no reason for a Dom to skip over a consideration collar. Slow but steady wins the race.
A slave who is looking for a LTR and meets up with a Dom who wants to jump straight into oral training or something along those lines with no discussion should back out immediately. This is not a Dom who is thoughful in their mastery. No one needs another heart break so break it off and move on. Taking your time just makes sense.
Training like consideration will last as long as it takes. I trained my slave for years for a variety of reason. You can back out of a consideration collar or a training collar.. A training collar should not be backed out of as easily as a collar of consideration but a final collar should not be broken at all if possible so take your time in training.
When vanilla’s date, they put their best foot forward. A guy may dance and a girl may go to a sport event but neither wanted to. They did it because they wanted the other person so they compromised. Later their real side comes out and they no longer want to do what they used to do. Doms and slaves can be the same. It takes time to get to the “real” person.
In training, do not compromise. People don’t generally change so don’t try to change someone. If you are going to break the relation, training is the time to do it. Doms should show some fucking backbone and not wimp out on demands. If you are a slave and the personal training is not getting it done you have to get out of your submissive role long enough to let them know you are leaving. You have to speak up. If you are going to piss off a future partner then training is when that needs to happen.
The final collar is a momentous occasion. It is the prize at the end of a long road. It deserves celebration. Ideally it should be the final collar a slave ever takes. Like marriage, it may not last forever, but we hope for our final collar to “be the one”.
My slave was collared on the Fourth of July, the US holiday that celebrates freedom, because as a slave she finds freedom in her chains. We celebrate every year since. Maybe we’ll see you one year at our celebration. Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day.