3 am

3 am… I woke from a dream in which my uncle had died..

It caused me to reflect on my life.. and I resolved to do more meaningful things with the time I have left, but then I checked my social media, and Fetlife, then my work email.. responded to some unattended work.. did some approvals and lined up work for the morning and here it is 4 am..

I dived right back into the mess.  I wonder.. people say they are too busy..  I say I am too busy…  are we?    I mean, I get up at 6:30 am.. then either do some yard work.. or check social media.. then it’s online work from home at 7:30..  by 9 I’ve had a quick shower and its the drive into the office.  I use the time in the car to call family.. family is important.. Usually I’m too busy to leave the office.. I keep a min-fridge and microwave in my office and grab something healthy without stopping.. Home by 4:30.  I use that drive time to call friends..if they are available.. or I listen to music.  At home its right into my grunge jeans to do yard or auto projects.. by 6:45 it’s time to prep for 7pm protocol.  A few quick checks on the work I do for a living.. Then a few slow moments for dinner, after which it’s a few glorious moments.. 15 to 20 in a hot bath while I soak out the sore spots.. then its a final check on work for a living… before a final check on social media.  Bys 9 pm, or 9:30 I have maybe 60 mins or less that I don’t know what to do with. The other night I indulged in 15 minutes of Netflix.. a show on how to prepare meals quicker and more efficiently.. yeah..  I don’t know how to relax.

I have to find more time for friends..  but where do I find that time?  I quit literally am booked solid.   Any time I could really give, would usually come out of lunch I force myself to take, or time I would be sleeping.  Sleep.. I’ve always needed 8 to 9 hours.. Not sure why.

I woke at 3am.  My uncle had died.  It was not a morbid or sad death.  He had a large field and he had redirected some of a stream to run into a smaller stream that crossed his field and emptied into a series of small ponds filled with fish and frogs.. an arched bridge and other little landscape details.. a very beautiful achievement.  He had been sitting admiring the creation of his life when he passed.  He looked very peaceful.  I am trying to create a beautiful place too.. but the beauty I create will be passed on to others when I pass.. I think it is important that we leave the world a better place when move on.

Some things we only have so much of.  I’ve heard that a woman has all the eggs she will ever have already.. when they are gone the are gone.  Time is like that.   We do not own our time.. each minute is a precious gift…  We cannot own our time we can only receive and spend it wisely.  Therein lies the heart of my soul searching.  Am I spending the time I have been given wisely, choosing to share these thoughts with you at 4:30 in the morning when I could be snuggling up to my slave?   Decisions, decisions.. it all comes down to decisions.

Life is meant for dancing..  we should not worry about the decisions.  We should free our hearts and just dance through life.  It is OK to let the currents of our associations and will bounce us along the stream of our life.  No moment spent with a friend or nature is wasted even if you fall asleep..  or pass away as my uncle did in my dream..  Nothing is ever really created or destroyed and we only just barely understand what that means…  but as the children of the universe that we are, it’s not important to worry ourselves with meaning.. we are meant to dance… and dance I shall until my last breath.  I will dance with joy, I will dance with determination,  I will dance with freedom,  I will dance to share..  Time to return to the warm embrace of sleep and my slave…

Carpe Diem my friends.. be someone’s great day!

One thought on “3 am

  1. I very much enjoyed reading this!
    My dear friend, I believe you are happiest when you have a full day. I wonder if you desire more down-time, or if you desire to be more focused on enjoying the fullness and richness of your days?


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