Just a dream

Spoiler alert:  If you are homophobic, don’t read this.

I have had many dreams in my life.. that is to say life ambitions that wanted to fulfill.  Making the House of X or HOX is becoming a reality.   Finding someone I think I can grow old with gracefully is another.

My night dreams from while I sleep however I rarely remember.  I wake and sometimes I remember briefly then forget again.   Other times I wake suddenly and the dream is still with me.  This is one of those night dreams.  It was 2:30 am.

I was out with a friend…  a motor head… drinking with some other buddies.  We were talking engines and tuneups and horsepower tweaks.  They all decided that we should switch bars but something got mixed up and we ended up at the wrong next spot.  We were bragging about who was the most drunk and suddenly we were at my friends home… not sure how that happened.. scenery just changes sometimes in a dream.

Since I was really, really drunk and I basically just wanted to sleep I asked him to take me home and that’s when he leaned in…

He had long blond hair and stubble of a mustache and beard not grown in yet.. sort of a George Michael look with these really pouty full lips.   His eyes still wide open..  but close enough I knew he was thinking we should kiss. I pulled back and held up a hand.  “Woah!” I said.  “I’ve always been heterosexual.”

He said nothing but sat back looking crushed and I suddenly felt really, really bad for him.  I wondered if I did something to lead him on.  “It’s not that I’m homophobic” I said to him.  “It’s just that it wouldn’t be fair to you”.  “I would never get an erection”. 

( Now that is not entirely true because if I wasn’t in a monogamous relation I would take a blowjob from any gender but it was a dream and that didn’t come up in the conversation.. not sure why).

He turned to me and suddenly I thought – Oh fuck… why not.   So I grabbed him by his long hair pulled him in beneath me, closed my eyes and gave him a long passionate kiss.  Ever the Dom, I totally controlled the situation and he just melted.  Ignore for a moment that this was gay.

Just imagine the sweetest kiss you have ever had..  the intensity, the longing. There is that first tender brush of softness, of wetness, that presses harder and harder as you pass that first awkward moment and dive into the passion of the moment.   Eyes closed, you dive headlong into just the feeling of that moment..  Your mind disconnects and a zen like state of connection opens..  with just two people intensely feeling hunger and need as one.

We both came up for air and it was in that moment that I woke.  I lay in bed, half asleep and half awake.. remembering..  and drifting in and out the dream state.   In that moment he pulled me back into the dream state, grabbed my cock and began sucking.

I fully awoke then and suddenly was filled with the feeling.. Oh my God what have I done?  This person is going to have such a terribly strong feeling of love and I will certainly find someone else and hurt them horribly.  They will give and give hoping to be my everything and never fully win my heart in return.

I was fully awake then.. filled with mixed feelings all jumbled and confused.   I thought of the women in my past with whom I have shared similar situations.. and others…   Like I said, I’ve never been homophobic.    I list in Fetlife as heteroflexible.

It’s now 3:15 am.  I wanted to write it all down while I could remember it.  There are two people from my past that I am thinking of now..  Persons I would have hooked up with if they or I were not with someone else at the time.

Dreams don’t always present pictures of exactly who or what we are thinking of, they often just present the feelings we have been going over.  In our dreams our feelings are showed to us in different situations and pictures.   It’s what you feel in a dream that is important…  It’s the feelings of a dream that tell us something important, not the images.

I also believe dreams are another realm and I wondered if I was dancing with someone’s waking consciousness that dream and if so with who?   I have much to consider in my waking life.

So there you have it..   the un-tarnished truth of my experience for what ever it does or doesn’t do for you.   Love is love no matter what body it comes with.  Sexual attraction is what it is and if you do or don’t get attracted to one type or another it is nothing to get worked up about.  We worry too much about what does or doesn’t turn us on.

A heterosexual person should not be embarrassed or need to apologize for not being aroused by the same sex any more than a homosexual person should have to be embarrassed fro what arouses them.  Nor do we have to “get” why some people are different.  We just have to respect that we are different.  We are wired the way we are.  We need to get over it if we are different.

More importantly, the world needs more love.  We need to care for each other.  We need to be courteous, considerate, and respectful.   We fear the unknown… its natural.. but we need to boldly trust that diversity can make use stronger, when both sides respect each-others opposing views.   By the same token, there is no need to respect a person who won’t respect you.   Carpe Diem my friends.  Go forth and make a great day for yourself and do it by being someone’s great day!

Your boss’s boss

I don’t usually talk about work.  It can be a weird thing being both a Dominant and an employer.  There are lines that I want to make sure I don’t cross.   I need to make sure that the reflex responses I have with my consensual slave, don’t bleed over in the mannerisms at work.

The power dynamics at work however are very,  very interesting.  I find that with my upper management I tend to be very much like a submissive.   Their desires become my desires… their wants and needs become my focus…  Interestingly it does not rub my Dominant nature the wrong way.   The needs of my slave come first too.  In many ways the give and take of the BDSM relation has elements on both sides of the equation that are shared.

Now an interesting situation has begun to occur at work.  The boss above my boss has started to come to me directly with tasks and questions.   This is very interesting from a power perspective.

On the one side, it probably means that my boss’s boss .. we’ll call him “my VP”… recognizes that my immediate boss is a very busy man and doesn’t need to be bothered with every little detail.    It may also mean that my VP has developed a sense of trust that he can count on me and doesn’t need a “whip” to make sure what he gives me gets done… and by whip I mean he goes to my boss to make sure my boss follows up and sees that I get my task done.

On the other side this is a very dangerous development.   It’s never good to have your boss going directly to your employees and not be in the loop.    By circumnavigating my boss – my VP is feeding a sense of insecurity ( presuming my boss has those).  It is important when dealing with a superior to be viewed as an asset and not a threat.  Even if he does not have any insecurities there will be that nagging question of loyalty to be entertained.  Every boss knows that there are employees who just don’t like you and you can never be sure if that will turn into a problem for your authority.

Mind you..  I am not looking for advise.  I’ve navigated the waters of corporate politics for decades and I feel confident that this can be turned to a possessive..  a win win if you will.    Its all just very interesting and it has me wondering a bit… where is the BDSM hook?     I am thinking this might be more of a situation arising from poly dynamics rather than a two person BDSM relation.

Anyway… great sharing with you as always.   Stay safe..  stay free..   Mental health is important too so if you are feeling claustrophobic from Covid-19 lock down go for a walk in the woods, stand beside a stream, enjoy the view from a mountain top… unless of course your local government is restricting travel for mental health in which case I would get a doctors prescription for a walk in the woods first…  Sad that its come to that, eh?   Carpe Diem my friends..  Do your best to be someone’s great day!

 

 

Short attention span theatre

It has always driven me a little crazy how politicians can do something awful or something really great and 30 days later everyone is refocused on something entirely new.  For most people its not the historical view of a thing that makes it good or bad its what’s being said TODAY that matters..  or so it seems to me.

Remember when Covid_19 first made you very concerned for yourself and your loved ones?   There was the panic.. the need to make sure you were doing all you could.. and then nothing.. and more nothing.. as you social distanced.  Maybe you lost loved ones.. maybe it never got that close…  but as we get closer to the 30 days since your concern peaked..  short attention span theatre kicks in…  I even see it in myself..  thoughts like.. so what.. its not that bad..  maybe I should invite a bunch of friends over for some good times….

AND NOW FOR THE BDSM HOOK… (you knew it was coming didn’t you)

The same is true for BDSM.   If BDSM is not your orientation.. if BDSM is a lifestyle choice, not who you are…  it will slip over time.  That’s just the way it is.  It is very easy to let a little thing go here or there…  a rule..   a protocol…   little slip ups get to slide…

It’s no different for a bottom than a top.  If you are a Dom but don’t feel it, it becomes too much trouble to enforce.. to sit down and talk..  to chastise and review the slip ups.   If you are a submissive it becomes too much trouble to follow every detail of your protocols.. too easy to skip what might not be noticed..  You get too busy for that..

There is a thing we call the 90 day Dom..  who can fake it for 90 days but then starts to slide.  There should be a 90 day sub category too.   This is just one more reason to take it slow when your hormones are raging, the sex is great, and you want to dive in head first.  It’s one more reason I support the three collars at every turn.

So yeah.. if you were lucky enough to find that someone special who fulfills all your kinky desires.. and was not just a flash in the pan 90 day wonder… then Covid-19 distancing probably isn’t a problem.  At least not for the introverts..  Those who are a little more extroverted will still be dealing with a need.

AND THAT BRINGS US TO…

Mental health.  There are people not dealing with this whole thing so well.   I see it all around my community.   There are folks freaking out.  Personally I was designed from the ground up for an apocalypse so that’s not me.. but I get it.  If you are having trouble dealing I highly recommend a walk in the woods.. to stand by a stream or river.. or a mountain top.   The world is a beautiful place..  so go get some..  Carpe diem my friends… be someone’s great day.