Whats more important? Love or Ds?

So this is the question: What comes first?  (its not a chicken or an egg).  Is love your highest priority?  Or does BDSM come first?

A sex worker or if you prefer..  prostitute… doesn’t want her customers to fall in love with her.  It gets in the way of work.   By the same token, some persons who self identify as slaves don’t want a boy friend.  They don’t want love to get in the way of a hard-ass, never compromising, Dominant Master.

That’s not to say you can’t have both… its just that only one thing can be your most important thing….   So which is it?

Would your Master love you even if you were not a slave?   Or does your Master love you because  you are a slave?  If you stopped being a slave would that cause your owner to love you less?  Or possibly not at all?

My relation started as a Ds relation.  It was later that I learned to love my slave.  I was somewhat jaded when we met.  My love grew out of her slavery and service to me.  You might say I rediscovered love, from experiencing her.   I know that I would not love her as much.. possibly not at all.. if she recanted and decided to no longer be my slave.

Just because I started from Ds and added love does not mean this is the way it has to be.  There is a Dominant that has a great Ds relation but from day one…  he had both.  He loved his girl.. and he dominated her.. the two facets are inseparable.

Visa-Versa, a slave I spoke with on the subject said that every time a Master got intimate and caring the Ds side slipped.. so she didn’t want a boyfriend anymore.   This is not all that uncommon.  In fact it happens even in vanilla relations.  Sometimes a person feels they can’t do with a spouse, what they could do when they were single… sounds fucked up to me but it happens.

A number of slaves I’ve spoke with mentioned that they needed romance and love and trust… but that it was important that an Owner stay hard and firm and resolute.  They needed that strong hand that would give the tough love they needed.  One in particular is a super-masochist.   Where most bottoms end the play, is where she warms up.  But she needs to know the person is caring.. that under the rough exterior of her top is someone who genuinely cares about her needs as a slave and a masochist.

It’s an interesting question.  What comes first? Love or BDSM?   I think it goes back to something simple.  Is BDSM a lifestyle for you or an orientation?   By that I mean, is BDSM more of a need than a want or a need?  I think that people who NEED it should try to avoid relations with people that WANT it.  Two needs make it right.

Of course if you find yourself married its not so easy.  You may want to try and correct what may very well not be correctable.  The trick is to find out before you make such a huge financial and legal commitment – and possibly bring other lives into the equation.   To realize your life as you need it, may take huge challenges and struggles…. and time.  Lord knows that my life did.  But I knew where I needed to be and it wasn’t in the disastrous marriage I had so blindly allowed to happen.  , A painful and as expensive as divorce can be, it was the right path for me.  I am still paying for it financially of course, but I couldn’t be happier.  Money is far from everything.  I have now what is most important to me.  Sometimes divorce is expensive, because its worth it.

Ask these questions of yourself… where do you priorities lie?  Be honest with yourself.  then be honest with those you are with.. and pursue the life of your dreams.. No rush… but never let go of your dreams.  Pursue your first priority with great passion.. and hopefully the rest falls in line behind…

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!




4 thoughts on “Whats more important? Love or Ds?

  1. I am firmly in the camp of “both”. I was interested in bdsm before I met my husband. He didn’t have any experience in it but was willing to explore. Turns out that he’s a Dominant-leaning Switch and neither of us can live without bdsm…it’s a need for both of us, although we didn’t know it at the time. Even so, I cannot relax and submit unless I feel safe and loved. For me, love and bdsm are -both- required.


  2. D/s came and comes first with me. I have found that I can’t fully open to my own submission unless I trust deeply. I can play on a very surface level but it isn’t satisfying. I have trust issues, it’s a personal problem. Once those barriers come down I love. I can’t help it. So I always hold something back.


  3. @Lil Monkey – I would encourage you to not think of what you describe as “a personal problem”. It is right and intelligent to withhold trust until it earned. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your submission not blossoming into its full potential when only playing on a surface level. I think all of that is entirely natural and responsible.

    I find it deeply heart warming to hear that once you are able to let down your barriers, that love is a natural outcome. That’s beautiful!


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