This might also be titled.. how to be a sadist and still feel good about yourself.
My sister once told me that all masochists need to see a psychiatrist. Anyone who would want to be harmed is emotionally damaged and needs to seek help. She went on to say that there is no such thing as a sadist.. that puts a nice name on a domestic abuser. Domestic abusers are just plain evil people that need to be removed from society.
Well now.. that’s a great start to feeling good about yourself if you are a masochist or a sadist, huh?
So before I can explain how you can be a sadist and still feel good about yourself, let me talk for a paragraph or two about my own personal journey through that valley of hell. I doubted myself for a very long time. Without experience, I could not see how I could be a good person AND a sadist.
My earliest BDSM desires were about sex.. and as close to CNC or the appearance of non-consent as possible. This added to my concerns about myself and my actions. With experience, I learned that I can be a sadist.. and a good person… but it took time and experience to get there. Over time, as I grew in my experience in consensual BDSM, my support for consent grew to where it is now, that consent is the absolute bedrock on which all of BDSM is built.
Consent must never be accepted from a person who is impaired… and impairment can come in many forms. Intimidation…which we would hope is never part of your dynamic.. uses things like raising your voice, anger, and other forms of verbal or physical violence. Any form of intimidation prevents true consent. Obviously, the use of drugs, alcohol and any mind altering chemical taken for recreational use prevents clear consent. Also, you should not re-negotiate consent in the middle of a BDSM scene. During a scene the body releases.. the EDSO chemicals and others.. which interfere with consent.
Logic is a bitch on this subject. Even if you are absolutely certain that you have negotiated consent in good faith… no intimidation.. no chemical impairment…. No scene induced impairment… there is still a problem with being a sadist.
What if your bottom is mentally damage? My advice here is that if you are not a professional, then do not try to be. There is actual evidence that some BDSM activities are good for some issues. In Russia for example, canning was found to alleviate the symptoms of depression.
If you watched the EDSO chemicals link above, you know that the body has certain triggers that release chemicals that have an effect on mood and desire. There is an excellent article on how to walk a person up the endorphin ladder, so that the bottom can fly.
I hate to hear that a bottom is “enduring”. If your bottom is “enduring” your sadism, then you have reason to feel bad about what you do. BUT.. if you have learned to make the experience mutually pleasing.. an experience that both you and your bottom enjoy… then its time to let go of your guilt.
The simple fact is that while it may seem that you are hurting the one you love, S&M is not always as simple as that. Just a a runner or athlete pushes themselves hard.. then feels pain but also a sense of being more alive.. so too a masochist can be re-energized by someone who knows their needs.. and how to feed those needs..
no pain, no gain… We understand that person growth is often achieved at some cost. So it is that the end state of a masochistic scene.. either subspace or flying… requires a degree of pain to release the chemicals and mindset that is desired. A sadist who has taken the time to become skilled is not hurting the one they love.. they are helping the one they love reach a state of healing and growth and connection. This is the battle you may be facing.. to believe that it is true that you are supporting healing, growth, and a mutually satisfying connection.
You do not have to believe that there is a really deep connection between the sadist and masochist. You can see it for yourself. The masochist puts tremendous faith into the hands of the sadist. It is not always well placed. But when the right sadist comes along.. one that builds their headspace slowly.. that transports them to that special place… and then cares for them in aftercare.. holds them as they come back up from somewhere else.. and feeds them sweets like chocolate to help rebuild their internal chemical stores… a connection is built. I might argue that such a connection often is more intense.. deeper.. more significant than sex. Certainly its more substantial than casual sex.
Then there is the less moral reason to be a sadist. If you are a dominant.. and you want to hurt someone, and you have consent.. then why wouldn’t you? With consent you don’t really need to understand you can just enjoy… to a degree. You won’t be playing with that person again if you made them endure you, rather you helped them reach the place they wanted to be.
So should you feel badly about yourself if your are a sadist? Logic says yes. Persons who don’t understand will say yes. But… if you’ve taken the time to understand your bottom.. if you have seen them disappear into a special place and then come back to you with love in their eyes.. If they come back to you again and again, hungry for more of what you bring… then I would argue that others cannot judge that experience from outside the relation. You have to be inside that relation to judge. Don’t let others tell you want you can see is true. Look at the connection you are creating.. the value… the intimacy.. the ultimate pleasure.. and let it guide you to explore deeper. A sadist can be a bringer of great pleasure.. Let go of your doubts in yourself and trust the evidence before your eyes..
I heard lots of logic in my early days.. it didn’t help me. This may not help you either if you are struggling with being a sadist. I understand. Just be the best you can at what you do.. and trust the evidence. Lastly.. often a sadist will stop being a sadist for someone they love.. they fall back into pre-sadist thinking. Don’t. Once you know you are doing good for someone.. trust it.