Whats more important? Love or Ds?

So this is the question: What comes first?  (its not a chicken or an egg).  Is love your highest priority?  Or does BDSM come first?

A sex worker or if you prefer..  prostitute… doesn’t want her customers to fall in love with her.  It gets in the way of work.   By the same token, some persons who self identify as slaves don’t want a boy friend.  They don’t want love to get in the way of a hard-ass, never compromising, Dominant Master.

That’s not to say you can’t have both… its just that only one thing can be your most important thing….   So which is it?

Would your Master love you even if you were not a slave?   Or does your Master love you because  you are a slave?  If you stopped being a slave would that cause your owner to love you less?  Or possibly not at all?

My relation started as a Ds relation.  It was later that I learned to love my slave.  I was somewhat jaded when we met.  My love grew out of her slavery and service to me.  You might say I rediscovered love, from experiencing her.   I know that I would not love her as much.. possibly not at all.. if she recanted and decided to no longer be my slave.

Just because I started from Ds and added love does not mean this is the way it has to be.  There is a Dominant that has a great Ds relation but from day one…  he had both.  He loved his girl.. and he dominated her.. the two facets are inseparable.

Visa-Versa, a slave I spoke with on the subject said that every time a Master got intimate and caring the Ds side slipped.. so she didn’t want a boyfriend anymore.   This is not all that uncommon.  In fact it happens even in vanilla relations.  Sometimes a person feels they can’t do with a spouse, what they could do when they were single… sounds fucked up to me but it happens.

A number of slaves I’ve spoke with mentioned that they needed romance and love and trust… but that it was important that an Owner stay hard and firm and resolute.  They needed that strong hand that would give the tough love they needed.  One in particular is a super-masochist.   Where most bottoms end the play, is where she warms up.  But she needs to know the person is caring.. that under the rough exterior of her top is someone who genuinely cares about her needs as a slave and a masochist.

It’s an interesting question.  What comes first? Love or BDSM?   I think it goes back to something simple.  Is BDSM a lifestyle for you or an orientation?   By that I mean, is BDSM more of a need than a want or a need?  I think that people who NEED it should try to avoid relations with people that WANT it.  Two needs make it right.

Of course if you find yourself married its not so easy.  You may want to try and correct what may very well not be correctable.  The trick is to find out before you make such a huge financial and legal commitment – and possibly bring other lives into the equation.   To realize your life as you need it, may take huge challenges and struggles…. and time.  Lord knows that my life did.  But I knew where I needed to be and it wasn’t in the disastrous marriage I had so blindly allowed to happen.  , A painful and as expensive as divorce can be, it was the right path for me.  I am still paying for it financially of course, but I couldn’t be happier.  Money is far from everything.  I have now what is most important to me.  Sometimes divorce is expensive, because its worth it.

Ask these questions of yourself… where do you priorities lie?  Be honest with yourself.  then be honest with those you are with.. and pursue the life of your dreams.. No rush… but never let go of your dreams.  Pursue your first priority with great passion.. and hopefully the rest falls in line behind…

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!




What’s wrong with being a sadist?

This might also be titled.. how to be a sadist and still feel good about yourself.

My sister once told me that all masochists need to see a psychiatrist.   Anyone who would want to be harmed is emotionally damaged and needs to seek help.  She went on to say that there is no such thing as a sadist.. that puts a nice name on a domestic abuser.  Domestic abusers are just plain evil people that need to be removed from society.

Well now.. that’s a great start to feeling good about yourself if you are a masochist or a sadist, huh?

So before I can explain how you can be a sadist and still feel good about yourself, let me talk for a paragraph or two about my own personal journey through that valley of hell. I doubted myself for a very long time.  Without experience, I could not see how I could be a good person AND a sadist.

My earliest BDSM desires were about sex.. and as close to CNC or the appearance of non-consent as possible.  This added to my concerns about myself and my actions.  With experience, I learned that I can be a sadist.. and a good person… but it took time and experience to get there.  Over time, as I grew in my experience in consensual BDSM, my support for consent grew to where it is now, that consent is the absolute bedrock on which all of BDSM is built.

Consent must never be accepted from a person who is impaired… and impairment can come in many forms.  Intimidation…which we would hope is never part of your dynamic.. uses things like raising your voice, anger, and other forms of verbal or physical violence.  Any form of intimidation prevents true consent.    Obviously, the use of drugs, alcohol and any mind altering chemical taken for recreational use prevents clear consent.    Also, you should not re-negotiate consent in the middle of a BDSM scene.  During a scene the body releases..  the EDSO chemicals and others.. which interfere with consent.

Logic is a bitch on this subject.  Even if you are absolutely certain that you have negotiated consent in good faith…  no intimidation.. no chemical impairment….   No scene induced impairment… there is still a problem with being a sadist.

What if your bottom is mentally damage?  My advice here is that if you are not a professional, then do not try to be.  There is actual evidence that some BDSM activities are good for some issues.  In Russia for example, canning was found to alleviate the symptoms of depression.

If you watched the EDSO chemicals link above, you know that the body has certain triggers that release chemicals that have an effect on mood and desire.  There is an excellent article on how to walk a person up the endorphin ladder, so that the bottom can fly.

I hate to hear that a bottom is “enduring”.    If your bottom is “enduring” your sadism, then you have reason to feel bad about what you do.  BUT.. if you have learned to make the experience mutually pleasing..  an experience that both you and your bottom enjoy…  then its time to let go of your guilt.

The simple fact is that while it may seem that you are hurting the one you love, S&M is not always as simple as that.   Just a a runner or athlete pushes themselves hard.. then feels pain but also a sense of being more alive..  so too a masochist can be re-energized by someone who knows their needs.. and how to feed those needs..

no pain, no gain…  We understand that person growth is often achieved at some cost.  So it is that the end state of a masochistic scene.. either subspace or flying…  requires a degree of pain to release the chemicals and mindset that is desired.  A sadist who has taken the time to become skilled is not hurting the one they love.. they are helping the one they love reach a state of healing and growth and connection.  This is the battle you may be facing.. to believe that it is true that you are supporting healing, growth, and a mutually satisfying connection.

You do not have to believe that there is a really deep connection between the sadist and masochist.  You can see it for yourself.  The masochist puts tremendous faith into the hands of the sadist.  It is not always well placed.   But when the right sadist comes along.. one that builds their headspace slowly.. that transports them to that  special place… and then cares for them in aftercare.. holds them as they come back up from somewhere else.. and feeds them sweets like chocolate to help rebuild their internal chemical stores…  a connection is built.   I might argue that such a connection often is more intense.. deeper.. more significant than sex.  Certainly its more substantial than casual sex.

Then there is the less moral reason to be a sadist.  If you are a dominant.. and you want to hurt someone, and you have consent.. then why wouldn’t you?  With consent you don’t really need to understand you can just enjoy… to a degree.  You won’t be playing with that person again if you made them endure you, rather you helped them reach the place they wanted to be.

So should you feel badly about yourself if your are a sadist?  Logic says yes.  Persons who don’t understand will say yes.   But… if you’ve taken the time to understand your bottom.. if you have seen them disappear into a special place and then come back to you with love in their eyes..   If they come back to you again and again, hungry for more of what you bring…  then I would argue that others cannot judge that experience from outside the relation.  You have to be inside that relation to judge.   Don’t let others tell you want you can see is true.  Look at the connection you are creating.. the value… the intimacy.. the ultimate pleasure.. and let it guide you to explore deeper.   A sadist can be a bringer of great pleasure..    Let go of your doubts in yourself and trust the evidence before your eyes..

I heard lots of logic in my early days.. it didn’t help me.  This may not help you either if you are struggling with being a sadist.  I understand.  Just be the best you can at what you do.. and trust the evidence.  Lastly.. often a sadist will stop being a sadist for someone they love.. they fall back into pre-sadist thinking.  Don’t.  Once you know you are doing good for someone.. trust it.

Happy Valentines Day!

Hope springs eternal!

If you are still single, treat yourself today to something nice.. maybe a nice long warm bath, or a delicious meal.  Focus on the positives.. go out an fulfill your interests..  do the things you never dared before..  Seize the day!  Carpe Diem

It is not by seeking others that others find you.  It is the life of the party that draws people.. so find and do what makes you happy.. and be fulfilled..  It is in the path of living life to the fullest that others are drawn and from that drawing a connection will be made.

Serendipity… the universe puts people together at awkward moments.. and unexpected ways..  An intersection where you have the chance to be annoyed or to open your heart.  Don’t turn away from these chance encounters.. Let your warmth and heart guide you.  Turn these moments into your chance to be someone’s great day.

If you are lucky enough to have already had that chance encounter.. don’t ruin it.  Don’t poison yourself by focusing on the things wrong in your relation..  Focus on the good.. and tell him or her so.  Let the person in your life know you want them.. take them on a date again, even if you live in the same house..  Make every day a Valentines day!

Opening your heart, letting the past slide, enjoying the warmth of another is too wonderful a gift to put effort into only once a year…  Carpe Diem my friends.. be someone one’s fantastic day!


Ahem.. a later addition.. this may sound silly but I’m sitting in my office like a little kid on Christmas night, waiting for my big  “date” with my slave… sure I live with her and see her every day.. but I’s still really looking forward to it..  I’d post a pic of my “surprise” for her but she might see it before hand..  It’s best if you give a girl nice things with an audience.. better if she blushes.. I’ll post the pic tomorrow..

The bag contained chocolate and jewelry.. oh and more chocolate…


Someone worth dying for

I was reading an account by a Jewish fellow who survived the death camps of World War II.  His main point?  No single group is entirely your friend or entirely your enemy.  In some cases he was got help in unexpected places… like German citizens.  Visa-versa some fellow Jews turned on him.

He says… You cannot know what living in abject fear will do to you until you live it.   He also said that while people tend to tell hero stories there were in fact very few real heroes.. by that he means that very few persons disregarded their own safety for the well being of others.

I understand.  Love and personal sacrifice do not come easily to me either.   I would say that never in my life has there been someone that I absolutely knew in my heart that I would die for.   Not family, not friends.  I don’t fear death as much as the pain of dying..  so fear would keep me frozen I think.

There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio.

* What is sacred?
* Of what is the spirit made?
* What is worth living for,
* and what is worth dying for?

The answer to each is the same, only love – Don Juan DeMarco

I lay in bed trying to sleep.. waiting for my over active brain to realize it was time to shut down for the day..  and it hit me.  My slave is someone worth dying for.

Not because of love, but because of my personal needs.     I just don’t think I’m the hero type.  I don’t think I would easily lay down my life for anyone.    I am very happy to give of my time.  I give back all the time.  But to lay down my entire life for one cause?  In her case, yes.

It’s not worth going on living if I have to start that search all over again… I can’t imagine giving up what I have now.  It would probably be better to die trying to save her, than to give up all hope.  Izrina thinks I say this because of love. Maybe…  Perhaps my slave sees more in me than I see in myself… or she is living in rose colored glasses.

I searched way too long to start that damn search over.  She is someone that fits me perfectly.  She fills my wants and needs as I fill hers.  My life is really, really good right now.. better than any other time in my entire life.

It is true that I love that little wench…. my bouncy little flogger bunny.. the fire slut of my dreams.. I think it’s more than Love though that makes her that important.   I love my family and friends too..  but there is more going on between us.

There is a raw open connection between Master and slave.  Her body is mine but it is my ownership of her mind, her will, and her information that makes this more.  There are none of the personal boundaries that nilla relations have.. no walls.. no hidden truths… Our connection is incredibly intimate and intensely satisfying.

At the end of the day, does the reason really matter?  Its wonderful to have someone in your life that you would be willing to die for.  That is not to say that if she desired her freedom, I would not let go.  I am a Master.  We must do what we must do for those we love.  I just hope I  never have to face either challenge..  Carpe Diem my friends… be someone’s great day.

Sex Kitten

Izrina and I have had the pleasure of meeting a human kitten recently and she has been coming around the house more and more frequently.  I have to say that she is a real pleasure to have around.  She’s a natural submissive, friendly, warm, cooperative and always willing to help out.  Her Fet name is Jade.. She’s a sexy little kitten…

I recently brought Izrina and Jade to a workshop I gave on knives and I used both as bottom bunnies for the demo portion.   Jade is fun because she replies in mews and purrs and when beaten she begins to claw the air like a cat kneading furniture… and the more she enjoys what you are doing.. the louder her yowls get..  Its nice as a top to have that constant audible feedback on how you are doing…

I’ve always liked kitty’s and puppies that snuggle up at your feet and who you can evoke lovely sounds from as you stroke them.  As we were driving home that night I began to ruminate on how wonderful it is when people use their imagination.  I referenced Miracle on 34th Street..   You know.. where imagination is when you see something and its not really there….  Here it is again if you forgot…

It really is a shame that we as adults have forgotten how much fun it can be to use our imagination.   Of course the furries haven’t forgotten.   Come to think of it.. neither have the littles.  I’m sure we could put many more on the list..

It takes a little bit of creativity to enter the imagi-NATION….   I’ve often thought it would be fun to just sit down and start coloring in a coloring book and let go of all adult worries…

Then there are artists… creative genius’s who pull from their imagination wonderful things you can see and hold.   A mind truly is a terrible thing to waste.  Maybe artists aren’t that far apart from furries and littles.

Take Calvin and Hobbes..  the child of cartoon fame with the overactive imagination..  I was once very much like him.  I remember great afternoons as a child, diving to the  bottom of the ocean in my submarine made from a cardboard box… or commanding a tank made from the same…

We should absolutely encourage folks who can do this… furries, kittens, puppies, ponies, littles, and such.  If we haven’t played make believe in a while, maybe we should.  I always say that to have a great day, be someone’s great day… but who says your playmate has to be made of real flesh and blood?

Go forth my friends..  unleash your inner child and play.. go make a great day!

Love and NY Life

New York Life… an insurance company… has a commercial and every time it comes on I want to spit nails…


On one side.. I am happy that their commercial will educate more folks about the concept of different kinds of love.   The first one they mention.. philia.. will instantly be recognized in the name of the city of brotherly love.. Philadelphia.   I am a little surprised that they didn’t give a tip of the hat to that city in their commercial.

What really burns my buns is their description of Apage as the love that takes action…  really?   really?????   Are you fucking kidding me???  So you are saying that Eros ..  the love of passion is not defined by action?   Grrrrrrr!

I just fucking know that I am going to be giving a workshop on energy play.. and talking about the two kinds of love defined by white and red energy.. and someone who has seen this misleading commercial is going to dive into an argument based on this misinformation.

This may seem like a lot of huff for one little commercial but here is the thing.. I work in an office where a TV is on in the background all of the time..  And so I am subjected to certain commercials.. like this one.. and Kars for kids (other ggrrrr…) multiple times an hour.  After a while even the most cute commercial grates on the nerves but when there is something wrong in it.. well OMG!

I would have had no problem with the New York Life commercial if they had said that Agape is the love of compassion.. which it is.   The problem is.. compassion means that this type of love as unconditional love… and unconditional love takes no action against those who have done wrong.   It is Eros love, the love of passion, is conditional and takes action against those that break the conditions of their love.

I would argue that all love has action.   Agape love  however, the love compassion, the unconditional love, often takes NO Action which is what is driving my aggravation with this misinformation.   I would agree that Agape does take action in the form of support. Again, all loves have an action of some sort… so I can’t be completely pissed off.  Its just that I think that their state that Agape is THE love of action is sending the wrong message.   Ah well…  Nothing to do but rant and move on..

Carpe Diem my friends.. be someone’s great day.



The simple brutal truth is, when you wear leather you are covering  yourself with flesh carved from another living thing.   I’m OK with that.

I have leather brothers and sisters..  I wear leather boots, leather pants, a leather vest, and leather belt.  The brutality of leather though gives me pause.  I feel a bit like a barbarian when I wear it, because I am conscious of were it came from.   Don’t judge me two harshly though…

The majority of people I know are carnivores.  We love bacon, steak, burgers, sausage and peppers, or chicken.  We like our meat on the bone, carved into chunks, ground up and sometimes stuffed back into the animals intestine tubes (sausage).  The manner in which a lobster is prepared is especially brutal.. but I love the taste of big chunks of lobster tail dipped in butter!  yum!  I’ve been known to say.. Thank God for vegetarians it leaves more bacon for us carnivores.

I might be wrong.. but in the USA… I would say there are more carnivores than herbivores…. and then there are vegans…   Carnivores pay for slaughter, herbivores are ok with animal husbandry and animal use.. while vegans are a breed unto themselves.. no milk collected from “enslaved and abused” cows.. etc.. etc…


If you are a leather person.. man or woman..  I assume there is no point in being a herbivore…  though you may choose it for health instead of ethics…   The simple truth is, if you are going to slaughter an animal for food…. and then stretch out its skin to dry and be dyed so you can wear it…  you should embrace your nature….

Super markets and fast food chains have separated you from the brutality of your choice.   If civilization ended tomorrow and you had to kill and butcher your own food, you might have a problem with that…. at first…  But you would get over it… Starvation is a great motivator.. Ask the Donnor party. or maybe the Survivors of Urigiayan Air Force Flight 571 who resorted to anthropophagy as told in the movie and book “Alive”.

So yeah…  we seem civilized…. in our shiny black leather… but if you really think about it.. we really are just barbarians in Gentlemen’s clothing… (with a tip of the hat to the blogger by the same name).

Carpe Diem my friends… be someone’s great day





February 28th, 2016 I began this blog.  My first post is here.    To get an idea of where this blog is coming from.. to see my first thoughts when this blog started.. click on that link and compare where I started from where I am today…

When I started it was all about just putting my life and words out there.  I had no intention of trying to get bigger, with more and more followers.  I think I’ve done a fair job of keeping my ego in check.. but then I am a Dom.. and an Owner.. and I know sometimes its hard to see the forest for the trees.

Still.. from time to time I check my stats.  I can’t figure out why some days I have a hundred hits and others just twenty.  I think its often because I liked someone else and their followers came over to check me out.

More interesting though is my follower count.  Last week it was 148.  This week started with 124.  Two persons started following but the count is still 125.. so someone dropped.  I think about these things and of course my ego roars…. so I shove it in a corner and tell it to be a nice kitty.

To those still following, I hope there are words here that make sense to you.. that have value..  If not, go ahead and leave.. I won’t mind.   It is far better to have five great friends than 100 acquaintances.   It’s about value.  If what I say has no value for you, that’s OK.  We can’t like everyone.. we can only give them respect and space as required.

If you do stick around.. I’m glad that we’ve found each other.  Please feel free to share your perspective in comments… I don’t bite that hard… I promise…

Carpe Diem my friends.. Be someone’s great day!