Case Review – Case #105577

I recently read a post on Fet entitled [CASE REVIEW] Case #105577

I’ve seen a lot of criticism of Fetlife over the years for not doing more to get rid of predators. In Fetlife’s earlier days you didn’t need to provide a cell phone number to get an account and you could easily create multiple sock puppets and disappear and reappear as someone new all the time.

Anonymity in Fetlife can still be an issue.  The problem is that to identify a predator behind an alias name on Fet you first have to know the real name of the person on Fet as determined by a real ID.

At a dungeon I frequent they require a drivers license.  If you committed a crime there your real identity is known.. and if you are banned you can’t come back unless you bring a fake drivers license.

Fetlife doesn’t have that kind of hammer lock on real information.  They do however have a cell number linked to each account now and that is a good start at making it harder to just disappear and reappear as someone else if Fetlife bans you.

That measure however does nothing to actually make it safer to meet someone from Fetlife.  When you get into the real world all bets are off.  There is virtually nothing that can assure your safety.  The only thing that helps is “red flags” and they are 60% correct at best.

The main dangers are from sociopaths and persons who cannot control their anger.  These can be new people or people you think you’ve know for years…  or come highly recommended because others think they know the person.

A sociopath is not going to understand boundaries or respect negotiations.  Limits will be ignored.   A sociopath is going to take what ever they want because they are incapable of understanding anything but what they want. A masochist who says that they have no limits probably hasn’t met a sociopath sadist yet.

A person who can’t control their anger is dangerous because they will become violent at some point.  Maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually.  They might seem charming, honest, and humble but someday their violence will cause terrible fear and harm.  They may cause invisible scars, irreparable injuries, and possibly even death.

I’ve seen a number of these situations play out in unexpected ways.  A very trusted person who was known for five years suddenly turned viciously on trusting friends.  A very dependable bottom of many years caused great harm to others in another incident.  A relativity new Dom caused great divide between clubs and community a while back because of sides taken over his consent violation accusations.  A conflict arose between a very trusted and respected community leader and friends over a question of touch – which was resolved in a matter of hours but served as a warning non-the-less.


If I had a plastic toy sitting on my car dashboard that came in a McDonald’s Happy Meal and you saw it and said.. “oooo I want it!  I’ll give you $100 dollars for it.”   We might might make that exchange.

And someone observing the exchange might wonder why I was getting $100 for a junk piece of plastic that I got for free..  even though both of us were happy…  THAT is the mystery of BDSM.

People often don’t understand why a masochist does what they do, or why a slave does what they do, or for that matter why they would put up with a sadist or someone telling them what to do.  The point is.. they are OUTSIDE the exchange.

When two people make an exchange only those inside the exchange know if that exchange was equitable.  The exchange is not about equality it is about equity.

In the example, only I know if giving up my beloved dashboard icon was worth $100 and only the person paying knew if it was worth $100 to them to complete their collection.  People on the outside of the exchange do not know, and cannot know the inner satisfaction of those inside the exchange.

Turn that good exchange into a bad one and justice needs to be served.  A predator has no motivation to assist.   Those outside the exchange can dig for objective truths but the subjective reality of the exchange will forever leave us outsiders.  Worse… most of these cases are a “he said, she said” situation with no witness.

We want to believe every person who says they are a victim.  You really do.  It’s a visceral tug at your heart that that begs in strong emotions.  You know instinctively that its bad enough to be a victim but then to not have people believe you just makes it worse.  You do not want to part of the naysayers.

Victims rarely have witnesses so truth is determined by the past history of the people involved.  Publicly honored people get a break that is only overridden when there are enough victims coming forward who have no incentive to do so.. then truth becomes evident.  Where there is smoke there is fire.  Basing your belief on numbers of victims though is a rotten system.  Case in point.. Bill Cosby.  I still find it hard to grasp how my beloved comedian who never used foul words committed the crimes he is convicted of.

On the other hand the logic that says every victim has nothing to gain is equally wrong.    To follow this logic is to convict a person without recourse or justice – and justice must prevail.  Mob mentality also cannot be the cause for conviction. Things are not always as they seem.  Just as a top can be a sociopath or a violent person, a bottom can be prone to issues of their own.   These issues can take take the form revenge, or mental instability, fiscal reward or be even more complicated.

Fiscal reward is a big motivator.   That means wealthy persons, persons in a divorce, or persons otherwise involved in the settlement of an estate could be targets of persons motivated to destroy opponents.  Life just sucks sometimes.  You HAVE to consider possible motivations when adjudicating.

I have always said..

EVERY accusation of consent violation has a predator and a victim..every one. The real question is, who is the predator and who is the victim? ~ Xtac Quote

If you have never seen or read “To kill a mockingbird”, look up the 1962 movie staring Gregory Peck and Brock Peters.  This movie explores the essence of this quote… You’ll see what I mean when you watch.

I would love to advise you to just stay out of these conflicts… But that would leave a predator left unscathed by the righteous justice they deserve.  AI JUST I observed.. EVERY one of these has a predator in it.   We have to try to get to the bottom of things.  In the end I fear we will continue to see Blackstone’s ration continue to be lived out before our very eyes, especially in BDSM.  Try to remember that there is good in the world….

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day.






5 thoughts on “Case Review – Case #105577

  1. I think much of this comes from ignorance. Those who join and see fetlife as a pickup site like collarme.

    They are truly clueless as to what the site is truly about. Though there are predators I believe the ignorance out numbers the predators.

    Even out in the community their are predators and at times it takes time to expose them.

    If you did not have all of the negativity with those who post things just may be different. Many who are new are scared to ask questions in fear of being bashed.

    Many who join have no clues what a slave or submissive even is.

    That is the reason Craigslist had to shut down their ads down

    Liked by 1 person

  2. @thekinkyworldofvile – All true. Community groups split and form newer groups.. An all inclusive BDSM group splits off a TNG… then both groups split off a poly group.. and that group develops a subset of swingers… People find their kink.

    Nothing wrong with that. The more that leave for what they really wanted, the better. That just leaves a better core. I want to be with like minded BDSM people just as other kinks want to be with their own kind.

    ALL of those groups though are prey for a predator.

    As for the newbies in BDSM .. Those that didn’t get it will leave in time. Those that want BDSM will stick around. They will eventually discover groups like MAsT, and workshops and in time they will come around. They just need time with their own kind before it all starts to click.


  3. That particular case is close to me and what it is referring to. I know many of the parties involved personally. It is much more than what you are talking about.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. In the community there are very few groups who actually have anything to do with Dominant and submissive or Master and slave .
    Everything is label kinky , kinky coffee or kinky munch and most munchs today have not talking points at all it is just a social.

    So a guy pops onto fetlife and he starts clicking on pictures and what does he see? Not that it is wrong but he see’s sexual acts and pics of nude women, so what is he to think ?

    If there was a way not that he would care but a way to see the behind scenes or who the person really is. What he sees is sex and he sees a open target.

    Now there are predators that know what they are doing, scanning fetlife for those with little to no experience. These are easy targets but many times even when warned the sub will ignore.

    It is funny several years ago I was turned away from a TNG group by a 18 year old Alpha that is what he told me he was . 18 year old alpha and who are you ? Now on the other hand those who are in TNG groups are allowed to attend other events where the old people hang go figure.


  5. @seldom seen way – The fact there is much more too it is probably the way it should be…. You can’t conduct a trial in a public forum.


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