Love, sex and intimacy

Love is a subject I have given tremendous amounts of thought to over the years and my perspective has changed a few times.  I would like to share some but not all of my thoughts.. otherwise this would be a book…

My earliest dating was sexual and pleasurable but not always that satisfying..  then I got my first slave.  It was all I had ever wanted.  But for her it was not her orientation, it was an experiment.   So she left me and to say I was devastated is an understatement.  I was suicidal.  I’m lucky to still be alive.

During that time a few paragraphs in a book spoke to me.  It was the book “The Ballad of the sad cafe”.  Here are the paragraphs…

First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world — a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring — this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else — but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain.”
― carson mccullers, The Ballad of the Sad Café and Other Stories


The concept that there is a lover and a beloved spoke deeply to me.   I had heard once that “one person kisses and the other enjoys the kiss”.. a similar concept to the lover and the beloved.  Anyone who has ever loved someone who didn’t love them back.. been trapped in an unrequited love.. understands.   Given that my pain was due to a one sided relation, it makes sense that this would speak to me.

Fast forward a few years and I am reading the book “Bridge across forever” by Richard Bach.  In this book he is and actually was a rich and successful author.   He owned many houses and many planes.  He flew around never staying in one spot too long.  His perfect woman wasn’t one woman, it was many.   One woman fulfilled his need for this, and another woman fulfilled his need for that.  He was convinced that marriage was a deadly trap.. that monogamy is a horrible idea.. He was convinced that only by staying free could he be happy in his relations.  At this time in my life, that spoke to me.

Later in the book, he gives up his rich, jet setting lifestyle, of flying around the country and never allowing one woman to get too close.   He discovers that diving deeper and deeper into one relationship can and is more fulfilling.  THAT part of the book did not speak to me at the time.  In fact I thought at the time that the author was deluding himself.


Fast forward yet again and I find myself in a monogamous relation with a slave.  This is one of the most deeply satisfying relations of my life.   I am going to be raw and honest here.

In a classic sense I have been with more attractive women.  By this I mean if you put my slave side by side with  some of my past beauties and opened it to a vote on the internet by all age groups and types, the vote would swing away from my slave.  That doesn’t matter to me as much as it did when I was younger.

Just last night my slave was kneeling beside the bed as is required for her evening ritual.  I admired her blonde hair, how it almost hid one side of her face.  The other side she had tucked her hair behind her ear.. and I was struck by how beautiful she is to me…and I told her so…  Love truly is in the eyes of the beholder. In that moment I saw no flaws.. only this woman I love so deeply.

I have seen porn sites with “chubby girl” pics and most of them are carrying an extra 30 or 40 pounds…   So by their standards my slave could be labeled chubby.    The problem is that she and I are busy and I am so happy with things as they are, that it really doesn’t make sense go cut back on the meals, and order her to spend more time in exercise.   The sex is great, the service perfect, and I see her through different eyes.

Let’s contrast that with a recent fire scene I had with a young lady, age 21.   Her body was for lack of a better word.. perfect.   No fat, flat stomach, beautiful curves in her thighs, ass, and hips.  Her breasts were just what I like… killer B’s…. I love a breast that has the C within C shape..  I’ll explain that some day..  The point is, that while I enjoyed the scene I didn’t get hard.  Not once.  My arousal comes from submission and control.

Let’s contrast that with another scene in which I had been given a slave to play with by her Master and I had her go down on all fours and fetch for me.  As she scampered around for me on all fours just like a good little pet I became quite hard.  Clearly what draws my attraction to a woman or a man runs deeper than looks.


Now I must turn my attention to sex, play, and poly.  Many a housewife or husband has later in life gotten the nerve up to tell their spouse that they want to be spanked.  And their spouse has responded with “NO!”.   So they ask if they can go outside the marriage for this kink and the answer is often “Yes, but you may not have sex”.   The thought is that sex is the more intimate bond that cements the relation.. but the truth is that a kink partner can create a deeper bond than your regular sex partner.  What we feel, and what we miss during sub-drop is a loss of that extreme intimacy that occurs during play.

We have an unlimited capacity to love. We shouldn’t hold back our Love.  Sex we can have with or without Love… We have a infinite capacity to love because we are conduit for a source of love without end.  We can also have a quick fuck.   That or we can explore a deeper connection through sex.   We can have  intimacy with friends and lovers and we should not hold that back either.

A quick fuck though doesn’t increase intimacy.  It can and often does create complications that can destroy getting to the real person and creating a truly intimate bond.  Intimacy is very often however, inherent in a BDSM scene..  Of the three, love, sex and intimacy,  I would say that intimacy is special  in different and important ways.


Because of this, the Master and slave relation has infinite levels to explore.  Technically this is known as IE or Internal Enslavement..  IE is the point at which the relationship begins to become internalized and ceases to be a lifestyle.. it becomes an orientation. IE becomes an expression of who you are.

As a Master and slave explore the depths of IE there are always new joys to be found, new exciting titillation to be had.  Far from boring, I constantly discover and rediscover fun little things that just draw me closer.  Last night I ordered izrina to wear her leather collaring ceremony cuffs.  These are the cuffs she wore on the day of her final collaring.  I feel it was a reminder of pleasant things for both of us, in a subtle way.

I find in my current state of personal growth that I would rather speak of the depth, the joy, the benefits of exploring the heights of a bond that has no limits.   There is no bottom to the depths to be explored and therefore no limit to the heights you might reach.

I am happy to say that each day as my slave serves coffee, as she sits between my legs on the floor at meetings, as she kneels beside the bed… as she serves me as only a slave can with joy in the fetters of her Master’s chains… I marvel.   I am amazed at how much we both have grown and I count myself blessed to be here, in this place, at this time, with this slave.  It seems I’ve found my own bridge across forever.

Carpe Diem my friends… be someone’s great day!




2 thoughts on “Love, sex and intimacy

  1. Pingback: Love, Tantra, balance | Living With X

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