Who approaches

Again..  I try not to overwhelm my readers and make it a burden to keep up with all I write.  This however ended up longer than I thought.. brace yourself.. once I started writing all of my passion transferred to this page…

Last night was a DAST meeting.. Dominants and submissives together… A round table discussion and one subject that came up surprised me so I thought I would share.  First let me tell you how the meeting works.  Everyone takes a piece of paper, writes down a question for a sub, a Dom, or for everyone… and puts it into one of three buckets.  We then take out one question at a time and discuss it as a group.  These can run very long and late.  We broke finally at 2am….

We are always learning…   Until I spoke with a recent BDSM transplant from another area it never occurred to me that different areas might have different ideas about consent.  Consent is the foundation of BDSM so how could there be any difference I thought?  The person I was speaking with said every place he went, the local community agreed that consent was the foundation of BDSM, but each place had different ideas about how and what was consented to and how that understanding applied to your next meeting with that person.

Last night I got another eye opener.  The question was for Dominants and the question was… “Doms.. Do you prefer to be approached by a submissive, or do the approaching?”  I sat in absolute disbelief as one Dom after another said that they prefer to be approached.   I expected each Dom to be bold, confident, and taking charge.

I am quite old..in my sixties.. and when I first started to mingle as a young adult it was the time of disco.  We went out to dance at least three times a week..   Every bar had a dance floor and either a DJ or a band.  It was also before Aids and MAD (Moms against drunk driving) so there were many more bars and many more one night stands.  It was not uncommon to sleep with a different person each night.. after all.. any venereal disease you picked up was going to be Gonorrhea or Syphilis and that could be cured with a shot…  Not that you took risks with pregnancy but you were not going to get a disease that stayed with you forever, couldn’t be cured, and might just kill you.

Now in those days many times a night you would be sipping your drink and scanning the crowd for someone looking to dance and when you thought the opportunity was right you had to “take the walk”.   You had to cross the floor.  As you approached you were making eye contact and that person was judging you… along with all of her girlfriends… If you got shot down then you had to take the long walk back across that floor… alone and in shame.. it was a very long walk indeed.

Do this enough times though and you either give up trying or learn to be somewhat gregarious, and not let rejection ruin your night.   There would be successes and failures but you couldn’t take it personally.  Now fast forward to today and BDSM which is playing out in the politically correct world where equality is worshiped as the highest form of relation,  confidence by a male is seen as some kind of throw back to a patriarchal, misogynous way of behaving,  and the accepted norm for consent has changed from “no-means-no”, to “yes-means-yes”.  It is not surprising I suppose that my way of looking at who approaches is quite different given my background and the social changes.

I think it is important to note that I observed last night.. a gender divide.  Men Dominants tended to want to be approached but women Dommes wanted to do the “hunting”.   Also, the sub gender changed the preference as well.  Both male and female Dtypes flipped on their preference about approaching or being approached depending on if the subby was male of female.   Interesting stuff!

Male Dtypes overwhelming preferred to be approached by female stypes but said they like to do the approaching with male stypes.   Female Dtypes generally preferred to be more aggressive with subbies.  One Domme used the term “hunting”.  Males tended to be more cautious.  There was a fear in being labeled.

I suspect that the male Dtypes preference to not be approached by men could be linked to a discomfort with homosexual openness. As I am heteroflexible, I am more flattered than put off if a man approaches me.  Women I think in general have fewer social pressures about same sex attraction… though I could be wrong, that’s my impression.

Here is an interesting comparison between male subbies and female I would like to share:  Most dominants I know who play with both genders will tell you that male submissives tend to be more likely to approach and demand play than female submissives.  I find it very interesting that generally speaking.. male Dominants were less likely to approach a potential submissive than the male submissives are to approach a potential Dominant.  I find it odd that the male submissives are more gregarious than the their male dominant counterparts.

Lastly, I have to mention that during a workshop a while back one black lady mentioned that she was tired of people assuming she is a Domme just because she is black.  I taken back by that.  Apparently it is very common for folks to assume that a black woman is going to be outspoken, aggressive, and lean towards dominance.

We as a community have so much progress to make.



Here is where I stand on all this, none of which should surprise you if you have been reading me for any amount of time.

First.. equality is NOT the highest form of a relation it is the lowest.. it is started point… the foundation on which everything begins.   Equality should be so second nature as to not even need discussion.   It doesn’t matter if a person has a collar or is wearing leather or seems submissive.  It doesn’t matter if a person is introduced as Master so-in-so or slave so-in-so.  When you meet you are equals.   It is only after discussion and negotiations that you arrive at an understanding that your interactions will take a path that both of you find more pleasurable.. that you will seek a more equitable relationship for your mutual pleasure.

Second, respect is a reflection of your own values not the person you give respect to.  You approach not only as a equal, but with respect.   Respect is not earned, it is lost.  Trust on the other hand is earned.  Respect however is how we demonstrate that we are civilized persons who recognize the importance of approaching from a place of equality.

Third, IF you accept these two basic premises and are confident.. as any Dominant should be, then there is absolutely no reason for you to not be somewhat gregarious.  A dominant should not be afraid to accidentally cross a line, be it protocol or social, until that line is defined. If you approached without projecting superiority… as an equal.. and you are friendly and respectful…. any Dominant should feel free to move around a room introducing themselves and striking up a conversation.

Notice that last sentence.  You do not approach looking to score a new sexual conquest or submissive.  If something is going to happen, it needs to happen in an organic kind of way.   A Dominant should never rush and never seem anxious.   Your Dominance is a gift.  A Dominant should not be a puppy begging for attention.  Have the confidence to put yourself out there, be friendly, flirt a bit if it seems warranted, and don’t sweat the rejections.   See a rejection as their loss, not yours, but do this internally… don’t project that or you will be viewed as an egotistic ass.  This internalization is in defense of your ego, not a put down or attack on the person rejecting you.


And now a word specifically for the submissives.

The first thing to ask yourself is WHY?  Why do you want an approach?  Is it is to score a play scene or a new Dominant or just to meet someone new and see where it goes?  The latter option is where you want to be.  Don’t start with objectives and expectations.  Keep it light and friendly.

People that come at you with dick picks, and sex talk right away may be swingers instead of BDSM folks.  If you identify as a BDSM person be wary of these types.   BDSM is more than just sex and you know that.  Not that great sex isn’t part of it but your orientation is more important.  Take your time!

If you are male, I know you are already battling social pressures… Try to be light, friendly, and not demanding.  Try to be helpful… Mistress, may I get you anything? is a nice question… Though if you approach the wrong Mistress with this question she may still strike you down with a comment like “What makes you think I need anything from you?”.   All you can do is apologize but do not punish yourself.   That is the job of a Dominant… don’t take away their job with assumption.  Apologize and be done with it.   Don’t assume you are not worthy.  Again, that is the Dominants job.. to let you know if you are worthy or not.  Above all remember that finding someone special takes time.  Try to maintain a cheerful disposition… that will attract more than sulking ever will.

If you are a female submissive, don’t be surprised if Dominants don’t approach you.  If they do and are demanding, put them in their place.   A Dominant does not have the right to treat you like a slave just because you are female, or  have been identified as submissive.  YOU determine when you become submissive and with whom.   When you are interested..  it is OK to strike up a conversation.  Think shy but not fragile.   Making a connection is not something to rush.  Try to be light, friendly, and helpful.  Some men have to be struck over the head to pick up social clues so if they don’t get it, you may have to be direct…


It should go without saying that everyone is unique.  The above suggestions are based on my own conversations and observations and participation in discussions.  The only absolute here.. and this may only apply in some geo-graphic areas… is that we should all be able to approached as equals and negotiate from there.  We should all be approachable, friendly, and forgiving of first encounter misunderstandings.   We should respect until respect is lost.. usually for repeated and unrepentant misbehavior.   We should not trust until it is earned.   And finally we should give all things time… we should enjoy the ride, the moment, the small interactions for what they are.. and let thing develop organically if and when they do.

Carpe Diem my friends… Be someone’s great day!