Case Review – Case #105577

I recently read a post on Fet entitled [CASE REVIEW] Case #105577

I’ve seen a lot of criticism of Fetlife over the years for not doing more to get rid of predators. In Fetlife’s earlier days you didn’t need to provide a cell phone number to get an account and you could easily create multiple sock puppets and disappear and reappear as someone new all the time.

Anonymity in Fetlife can still be an issue.  The problem is that to identify a predator behind an alias name on Fet you first have to know the real name of the person on Fet as determined by a real ID.

At a dungeon I frequent they require a drivers license.  If you committed a crime there your real identity is known.. and if you are banned you can’t come back unless you bring a fake drivers license.

Fetlife doesn’t have that kind of hammer lock on real information.  They do however have a cell number linked to each account now and that is a good start at making it harder to just disappear and reappear as someone else if Fetlife bans you.

That measure however does nothing to actually make it safer to meet someone from Fetlife.  When you get into the real world all bets are off.  There is virtually nothing that can assure your safety.  The only thing that helps is “red flags” and they are 60% correct at best.

The main dangers are from sociopaths and persons who cannot control their anger.  These can be new people or people you think you’ve know for years…  or come highly recommended because others think they know the person.

A sociopath is not going to understand boundaries or respect negotiations.  Limits will be ignored.   A sociopath is going to take what ever they want because they are incapable of understanding anything but what they want. A masochist who says that they have no limits probably hasn’t met a sociopath sadist yet.

A person who can’t control their anger is dangerous because they will become violent at some point.  Maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually.  They might seem charming, honest, and humble but someday their violence will cause terrible fear and harm.  They may cause invisible scars, irreparable injuries, and possibly even death.

I’ve seen a number of these situations play out in unexpected ways.  A very trusted person who was known for five years suddenly turned viciously on trusting friends.  A very dependable bottom of many years caused great harm to others in another incident.  A relativity new Dom caused great divide between clubs and community a while back because of sides taken over his consent violation accusations.  A conflict arose between a very trusted and respected community leader and friends over a question of touch – which was resolved in a matter of hours but served as a warning non-the-less.


If I had a plastic toy sitting on my car dashboard that came in a McDonald’s Happy Meal and you saw it and said.. “oooo I want it!  I’ll give you $100 dollars for it.”   We might might make that exchange.

And someone observing the exchange might wonder why I was getting $100 for a junk piece of plastic that I got for free..  even though both of us were happy…  THAT is the mystery of BDSM.

People often don’t understand why a masochist does what they do, or why a slave does what they do, or for that matter why they would put up with a sadist or someone telling them what to do.  The point is.. they are OUTSIDE the exchange.

When two people make an exchange only those inside the exchange know if that exchange was equitable.  The exchange is not about equality it is about equity.

In the example, only I know if giving up my beloved dashboard icon was worth $100 and only the person paying knew if it was worth $100 to them to complete their collection.  People on the outside of the exchange do not know, and cannot know the inner satisfaction of those inside the exchange.

Turn that good exchange into a bad one and justice needs to be served.  A predator has no motivation to assist.   Those outside the exchange can dig for objective truths but the subjective reality of the exchange will forever leave us outsiders.  Worse… most of these cases are a “he said, she said” situation with no witness.

We want to believe every person who says they are a victim.  You really do.  It’s a visceral tug at your heart that that begs in strong emotions.  You know instinctively that its bad enough to be a victim but then to not have people believe you just makes it worse.  You do not want to part of the naysayers.

Victims rarely have witnesses so truth is determined by the past history of the people involved.  Publicly honored people get a break that is only overridden when there are enough victims coming forward who have no incentive to do so.. then truth becomes evident.  Where there is smoke there is fire.  Basing your belief on numbers of victims though is a rotten system.  Case in point.. Bill Cosby.  I still find it hard to grasp how my beloved comedian who never used foul words committed the crimes he is convicted of.

On the other hand the logic that says every victim has nothing to gain is equally wrong.    To follow this logic is to convict a person without recourse or justice – and justice must prevail.  Mob mentality also cannot be the cause for conviction. Things are not always as they seem.  Just as a top can be a sociopath or a violent person, a bottom can be prone to issues of their own.   These issues can take take the form revenge, or mental instability, fiscal reward or be even more complicated.

Fiscal reward is a big motivator.   That means wealthy persons, persons in a divorce, or persons otherwise involved in the settlement of an estate could be targets of persons motivated to destroy opponents.  Life just sucks sometimes.  You HAVE to consider possible motivations when adjudicating.

I have always said..

EVERY accusation of consent violation has a predator and a victim..every one. The real question is, who is the predator and who is the victim? ~ Xtac Quote

If you have never seen or read “To kill a mockingbird”, look up the 1962 movie staring Gregory Peck and Brock Peters.  This movie explores the essence of this quote… You’ll see what I mean when you watch.

I would love to advise you to just stay out of these conflicts… But that would leave a predator left unscathed by the righteous justice they deserve.  AI JUST I observed.. EVERY one of these has a predator in it.   We have to try to get to the bottom of things.  In the end I fear we will continue to see Blackstone’s ration continue to be lived out before our very eyes, especially in BDSM.  Try to remember that there is good in the world….

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day.






Aftercare and sub drop


Some bottoms don’t seem to need aftercare.  Right after a scene they pop right up and are speaking and talking right away.  Others go into a stupor and can take anywhere from ten minutes to an hour before they seem ready to communicate with the world again.

Some tops don’t do aftercare.  They have a line out the door and the next “customer” so to speak is waiting.  Or maybe they just can’t be bothered.

Be sure you include after care in your discussion when negotiating consent for a scene in a dungeon.  When a bottom who comes out of a stupor.. alone and un-cared for.. or worse on a cold floor without a blanket… is probably going to get mixed signals about how good the scene was.

Its OK to have a dungeon buddy who handles the aftercare.. but if you need aftercare.. make sure someone is seeing to it.



EDSO – Endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin… four key chemicals involved in all of this.  The first two you can give yourself.  The second two require interaction with others.  For a much more detailed explanation, and when you have 46 minutes free.. See this YouTube video Simon Sinek: Why Leaders Eat Last.

The experience of S&M has a two fold whammy.   First, the experience is intensely personal.. Like a patient and nursed bond…. the bottom and the top experience a connection and both of giving trust and receiving trust.. as well as a release and healing.. that some might call spiritual.

It may seem odd to call S&M healing, but it is a documented fact that in some places of the world caning was used as relief for depression.  It goes beyond the first part of the experience and delves into the second part of the experience – the EDSO chemicals.

For this reason I have always provided my Fet account information to anyone I play with, asking them to send me a Fet mail the next day telling me how they are doing.  If I can’t be there in person, I can be at the end of a pouring out onto paper.  This is part of the responsibility of a Dom or Domme.. to consider the needs of those you play with.



And now we get to the subject I had an epiphany on last night.  I wrote about Dom Drop here before.  That article is here:  Dom Drop

As is so often the case, I am happy to say that my perspective has evolved with experience and thought.   I believed when I wrote my first piece on this subject, that Dom drop had only one element.. the first one.. the deep and abiding connection of trust and healing that an S&M scene provides.

I now believe otherwise.  If you watch the video on EDSO, you will note that only the last two chemicals relate to interaction with another.  Of those two,  I want to focus on oxytocin.  To hear Simon on Oxytocin, jump to this part of his video.

Oxytocin is released through a number of ways.  One way that this is released is with touch – a hug, a handshake, and more.   When you do bondage, of this comes into play.. the touching, snugging, the sensation of rope on skin. It happens all through your BDSM play.

Human generosity can also trigger Oxytocin.  You could give large sums of money so that others might help cleanup an inner city block.. or you could give of your own time and energy.  The latter has more meaning to us even though more could have been done by hiring lots of people..  It is your person generosity that triggers Oxytocin.  It why I always say.. be someone’s great day.

Even just witnessing acts of generosity uplifts the human condition.  Not in some metaphysical way.. it is real.. and chemical… it’s Oxytocin at work building a better humanity.

All of these things take time.  That’s the sacrifice of a Dom.. they show they care not by what they can do with power of money but because they give of their most precious commodity.. the one that is limited and finite.. their time.

Oxytocin also limits addictions.  Oxytocin boosts your immune system and makes you healthier.  Oxytocin increases our problem solving and creativity.

What does all this have to do with my change in thinking on Dom Drop?   Oxytocin is a absolutely a chemical involved in the Dom side of the equation… so where I used to feel that only one area of the S&M experience was triggered in a Dom, now I feel there is also a chemical side.. which makes me believe that it entirely possible for Dom drop to be more intense.

Carpe Diem my friends… here it comes… Be someone’s great day!



Bright sunshine over lazy curling smoke from embers of the fire that men and women huddled around the night before.  The hunters return.  The biggest, the strongest, the alpha’s of this prehistoric human tribe rest.. one of them is injured and those that stayed behind now begin to strip the carcass of its fur for clothing, stoke the fire again to begin cooking, while the injured is attended to.  Soon the smell of the meal fills the clearing and stomach grumble, mouths water, at the thought of the feast about to begin.

The bigger, stronger, alphas could easily throw others aside and take the best of the feast for themselves.. but they don’t.   Those that stayed behind willingly choose the best cuts, and feed the alpha’s first.  But why?

The answer is known to those that lived together as a tribe 50,000 years ago.  When night falls and stealthy predators circle in the darkness outside the ring of heat and light of the fire, when danger presents itself it is the alpha’s that run forward first.  They are bigger, stronger, and better fed but it comes at a cost.  They are the ones that will sacrifice their lives so that others may live.   They have these perks because it makes them more capable of doing what they are meant to do.. to rush to danger, to risk themselves, to put the safety and security of those they protect, first.

When an executive gets a huge bonus because they let go hundreds or thousands of employees… when they sacrifice others for their own benefit they are not leaders.. and we know this instinctively.   We have a visceral anger because we know it not how humans are supposed to work together.

Soldiers are natural leaders.  They know that you must leave no one behind.  They are prepared to lay down their own life so that others may live.   They follow the unspoken code of leaders that is written deep in our DNA.


In BDSM we have priorities that are natural to this system.

  1. The needs of the slave
  2. The needs of the Owner
  3. The wants of the Owner
  4. The wants of the slave

Above all the Owner, Master, Mistress puts the needs of their charge first.   A need is more important than a want.   If a slave needs, a great Owner will sacrifice a want for the needs of the slave.

Leaders don’t get to do less work, they have to do more.  That work may simply be listening, learning, planning, and strategizing or it may be a bigger sacrifice.  A leader must always be the one with their ear to the ground, ever alert so that they can fulfill their sacred duty to protect those they lead.

A young Dominant may think they want lots of slaves so that they are pampered and cared for and don’t have to do any work.  Such thoughts are like the executive who sacrificed their employees for their own benefit.   It doesn’t work that way.  Be careful what you ask for or you may get in over your head.  More consensual slaves means lots more work.

Remember that equality is where we start in BDSM, equity is our goal… We want an equitable relation in which BOTH partners have their basic desires fulfilled.  This means work on both sides of the dynamic.

Carpe Diem my friends..  Be someone’s great day!




Love, Tantra, balance

Yeah… Love… I could write a book. .  Here comes the second installment.  Part one is here.   In part two I want to dive into my thoughts on the more esoteric elements of love..

My slave and I practice a form of Tantra mediation.  We also do guided mediation with groups from time to time.   Let’s run through them, shall we?


At the base of the spine near the genitals is the red chakra..  we are going to talk about this again.  Following the ROY-G-BIV color wheel the next chakra is orange, at the hips, followed by yellow at the diaphragm.


At the center is the heart.. which you might think is red but it is green.. the color most associate with envy..  not sure how that started.

And finally there is blue at the throat, purple at the third eye at the forehead, and the crown at the top of the head.    I see the crown as white, though people that I have mediated with report the crown as gold…


Devils are red.  Angels are white.  Red is the chakra at the genitals.  White is the crown chakra.  I don’t think this is coincidence.   There are at least two different types of love and both are very different, even though they are both still Love.

The white chakra is the center of agape love… love like a parent has for a child.. love that is unconditional.  When you feel agape love you know that you are forgiven..  that no matter what, this person will always show care and kindness to  you.  White love, or agape love is compassion.  It is unconditional and takes no actions..  enforces no limits..  and does not punish.

The red chakra is the center of eros love… the love of a lover… love that is earthy and conditional.  This love is needy.. it looks to consume their lover.. to merge into one… sexually and otherwise.  Red love, or eros love is passion.  It it is conditional and will act if displeased.. it has limits… and will punish misbehavior.



Zen cannot be taught.  But there are people who teach it.    They are guides that lead the student to discover Zen for themselves.   Zen may be practiced while arranging flowers, painting a lovely painting, or while slicing an opponent in two with a sword.  A Zen artist may spend hours arranging their tools before starting.. because they have awoken the Zen inside themselves.

It makes no sense to try to further explain it, except to say that most people who “get it”.. one day “awoke” and it all became clear.



To appreciate every aspect of life.. each moment.. without holding onto your past or your future is to be closer to living with the more esoteric elements of love.  You begin to appreciate yourself and those around you in small ways.. and it opens a new world of wonder.

If you can not learn Zen, or open your chakras, you can appreciate.  There is no better way to appreciate life than to give.  I always say.. be someone’s great day.   I say this because Love is a mystery.

If I have a pile of gold coins and you have a pile of gold coins, and I give you some of mine, I have less and you have more.  This is an objective truth.

But if I give you love, you have more and I have more.  How can this be?   It is because neither of us is the source of Love.  We are conduits for a greater force.   When we channel love, we both benefit.  It is not so great a mystery as you might suppose.



When we practice this we divide into a male and female role.  The actual physical sex of the partners does not matter.  The person to be the male sits comfortably.   The person “to be female” sits on their lap, facing the “to be male” partner.

The meditation begins and we light up the red chakra first.   From the red, and with breathing exercises, we successively light up the rest of the chakras.   With the energy coursing up and down our spines, we hold the red and the white in our hearts, seeking balance..  and then we begin.

The male visualizes thrusting their energy as a lingham (penis) into their partner who receives into the yoni (Female sexual organs) and then squeezes that energy back into the male.

This process if repeated so that a rocking back and forth ensues.  As the energy rocks back and forth, sharing and exchanged, I often find myself holding my partner, our physical bodies rocking with the energy.  It is not uncommon to experience erections, excitement, and orgasms during this mediation.



I believe that great lovers arise from balance.   By this I mean that both red and white energy is employed.  That a large degree of appreciation for each other is attended to. Negatives are attended to and dismissed while positives are given Zen like attention.  From a BDSM view…  the equity of your exchange takes precedence over equality.



We all have the ability to access unlimited amounts of love.   It does not come from us, but through us.  We are conduits.. wires.. that tap into an infinite power.  If I have a pile of gold coins and i give you some I have less and you have more but if I give you love we both have more.  Tap into this.  Be a conduit for the infinite love.. compassion.. and wonder that frees your heart, mind and soul.   Know that you must face trials and hardships if you have doubts, worries, and Karma to burn.  Know that when you Love it is not just for those that deserve it.. but for all of creation.. every animal.. every tree.. ever plant… every wondrous inanimate object.  Be love, people.  As we love, as we act as conduits for love we become magnets.. and love finds us.  Keep your balance.. and remember to keep on loving…with both compassion and passion.. red and white.. be love!

Carped Diem my friends..  Be someone’s great day!

Love, sex and intimacy

Love is a subject I have given tremendous amounts of thought to over the years and my perspective has changed a few times.  I would like to share some but not all of my thoughts.. otherwise this would be a book…

My earliest dating was sexual and pleasurable but not always that satisfying..  then I got my first slave.  It was all I had ever wanted.  But for her it was not her orientation, it was an experiment.   So she left me and to say I was devastated is an understatement.  I was suicidal.  I’m lucky to still be alive.

During that time a few paragraphs in a book spoke to me.  It was the book “The Ballad of the sad cafe”.  Here are the paragraphs…

First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world — a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring — this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else — but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain.”
― carson mccullers, The Ballad of the Sad Café and Other Stories


The concept that there is a lover and a beloved spoke deeply to me.   I had heard once that “one person kisses and the other enjoys the kiss”.. a similar concept to the lover and the beloved.  Anyone who has ever loved someone who didn’t love them back.. been trapped in an unrequited love.. understands.   Given that my pain was due to a one sided relation, it makes sense that this would speak to me.

Fast forward a few years and I am reading the book “Bridge across forever” by Richard Bach.  In this book he is and actually was a rich and successful author.   He owned many houses and many planes.  He flew around never staying in one spot too long.  His perfect woman wasn’t one woman, it was many.   One woman fulfilled his need for this, and another woman fulfilled his need for that.  He was convinced that marriage was a deadly trap.. that monogamy is a horrible idea.. He was convinced that only by staying free could he be happy in his relations.  At this time in my life, that spoke to me.

Later in the book, he gives up his rich, jet setting lifestyle, of flying around the country and never allowing one woman to get too close.   He discovers that diving deeper and deeper into one relationship can and is more fulfilling.  THAT part of the book did not speak to me at the time.  In fact I thought at the time that the author was deluding himself.


Fast forward yet again and I find myself in a monogamous relation with a slave.  This is one of the most deeply satisfying relations of my life.   I am going to be raw and honest here.

In a classic sense I have been with more attractive women.  By this I mean if you put my slave side by side with  some of my past beauties and opened it to a vote on the internet by all age groups and types, the vote would swing away from my slave.  That doesn’t matter to me as much as it did when I was younger.

Just last night my slave was kneeling beside the bed as is required for her evening ritual.  I admired her blonde hair, how it almost hid one side of her face.  The other side she had tucked her hair behind her ear.. and I was struck by how beautiful she is to me…and I told her so…  Love truly is in the eyes of the beholder. In that moment I saw no flaws.. only this woman I love so deeply.

I have seen porn sites with “chubby girl” pics and most of them are carrying an extra 30 or 40 pounds…   So by their standards my slave could be labeled chubby.    The problem is that she and I are busy and I am so happy with things as they are, that it really doesn’t make sense go cut back on the meals, and order her to spend more time in exercise.   The sex is great, the service perfect, and I see her through different eyes.

Let’s contrast that with a recent fire scene I had with a young lady, age 21.   Her body was for lack of a better word.. perfect.   No fat, flat stomach, beautiful curves in her thighs, ass, and hips.  Her breasts were just what I like… killer B’s…. I love a breast that has the C within C shape..  I’ll explain that some day..  The point is, that while I enjoyed the scene I didn’t get hard.  Not once.  My arousal comes from submission and control.

Let’s contrast that with another scene in which I had been given a slave to play with by her Master and I had her go down on all fours and fetch for me.  As she scampered around for me on all fours just like a good little pet I became quite hard.  Clearly what draws my attraction to a woman or a man runs deeper than looks.


Now I must turn my attention to sex, play, and poly.  Many a housewife or husband has later in life gotten the nerve up to tell their spouse that they want to be spanked.  And their spouse has responded with “NO!”.   So they ask if they can go outside the marriage for this kink and the answer is often “Yes, but you may not have sex”.   The thought is that sex is the more intimate bond that cements the relation.. but the truth is that a kink partner can create a deeper bond than your regular sex partner.  What we feel, and what we miss during sub-drop is a loss of that extreme intimacy that occurs during play.

We have an unlimited capacity to love. We shouldn’t hold back our Love.  Sex we can have with or without Love… We have a infinite capacity to love because we are conduit for a source of love without end.  We can also have a quick fuck.   That or we can explore a deeper connection through sex.   We can have  intimacy with friends and lovers and we should not hold that back either.

A quick fuck though doesn’t increase intimacy.  It can and often does create complications that can destroy getting to the real person and creating a truly intimate bond.  Intimacy is very often however, inherent in a BDSM scene..  Of the three, love, sex and intimacy,  I would say that intimacy is special  in different and important ways.


Because of this, the Master and slave relation has infinite levels to explore.  Technically this is known as IE or Internal Enslavement..  IE is the point at which the relationship begins to become internalized and ceases to be a lifestyle.. it becomes an orientation. IE becomes an expression of who you are.

As a Master and slave explore the depths of IE there are always new joys to be found, new exciting titillation to be had.  Far from boring, I constantly discover and rediscover fun little things that just draw me closer.  Last night I ordered izrina to wear her leather collaring ceremony cuffs.  These are the cuffs she wore on the day of her final collaring.  I feel it was a reminder of pleasant things for both of us, in a subtle way.

I find in my current state of personal growth that I would rather speak of the depth, the joy, the benefits of exploring the heights of a bond that has no limits.   There is no bottom to the depths to be explored and therefore no limit to the heights you might reach.

I am happy to say that each day as my slave serves coffee, as she sits between my legs on the floor at meetings, as she kneels beside the bed… as she serves me as only a slave can with joy in the fetters of her Master’s chains… I marvel.   I am amazed at how much we both have grown and I count myself blessed to be here, in this place, at this time, with this slave.  It seems I’ve found my own bridge across forever.

Carpe Diem my friends… be someone’s great day!




NCSF survey to help our communities

The survey will take approximately 20 minutes of your time.

This is anonymous. NCSF will give the results to law enforcement, prosecutors and health care professionals so they can better understand the experiences of kinky and non-monogamous people and provide better quality service.

NCSF will also provide club owners and event producers with this information so they can understand the dynamics of consent incidents that happen, and thereby take steps to create a better environment for their members. NCSF provides dozens of workshops and events each year about consent, and these results will be presented to community members there.

This survey is being conducted by Susan Wright, MA and Russell Stambaugh, PhD in cooperation with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) and Jessamyn Bowling, PhD and Rob Cramer, PhD at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. IRB approval has been granted by the University of North Carolina at Charlotte.

Please use this link to begin the survey

Who approaches

Again..  I try not to overwhelm my readers and make it a burden to keep up with all I write.  This however ended up longer than I thought.. brace yourself.. once I started writing all of my passion transferred to this page…

Last night was a DAST meeting.. Dominants and submissives together… A round table discussion and one subject that came up surprised me so I thought I would share.  First let me tell you how the meeting works.  Everyone takes a piece of paper, writes down a question for a sub, a Dom, or for everyone… and puts it into one of three buckets.  We then take out one question at a time and discuss it as a group.  These can run very long and late.  We broke finally at 2am….

We are always learning…   Until I spoke with a recent BDSM transplant from another area it never occurred to me that different areas might have different ideas about consent.  Consent is the foundation of BDSM so how could there be any difference I thought?  The person I was speaking with said every place he went, the local community agreed that consent was the foundation of BDSM, but each place had different ideas about how and what was consented to and how that understanding applied to your next meeting with that person.

Last night I got another eye opener.  The question was for Dominants and the question was… “Doms.. Do you prefer to be approached by a submissive, or do the approaching?”  I sat in absolute disbelief as one Dom after another said that they prefer to be approached.   I expected each Dom to be bold, confident, and taking charge.

I am quite my sixties.. and when I first started to mingle as a young adult it was the time of disco.  We went out to dance at least three times a week..   Every bar had a dance floor and either a DJ or a band.  It was also before Aids and MAD (Moms against drunk driving) so there were many more bars and many more one night stands.  It was not uncommon to sleep with a different person each night.. after all.. any venereal disease you picked up was going to be Gonorrhea or Syphilis and that could be cured with a shot…  Not that you took risks with pregnancy but you were not going to get a disease that stayed with you forever, couldn’t be cured, and might just kill you.

Now in those days many times a night you would be sipping your drink and scanning the crowd for someone looking to dance and when you thought the opportunity was right you had to “take the walk”.   You had to cross the floor.  As you approached you were making eye contact and that person was judging you… along with all of her girlfriends… If you got shot down then you had to take the long walk back across that floor… alone and in shame.. it was a very long walk indeed.

Do this enough times though and you either give up trying or learn to be somewhat gregarious, and not let rejection ruin your night.   There would be successes and failures but you couldn’t take it personally.  Now fast forward to today and BDSM which is playing out in the politically correct world where equality is worshiped as the highest form of relation,  confidence by a male is seen as some kind of throw back to a patriarchal, misogynous way of behaving,  and the accepted norm for consent has changed from “no-means-no”, to “yes-means-yes”.  It is not surprising I suppose that my way of looking at who approaches is quite different given my background and the social changes.

I think it is important to note that I observed last night.. a gender divide.  Men Dominants tended to want to be approached but women Dommes wanted to do the “hunting”.   Also, the sub gender changed the preference as well.  Both male and female Dtypes flipped on their preference about approaching or being approached depending on if the subby was male of female.   Interesting stuff!

Male Dtypes overwhelming preferred to be approached by female stypes but said they like to do the approaching with male stypes.   Female Dtypes generally preferred to be more aggressive with subbies.  One Domme used the term “hunting”.  Males tended to be more cautious.  There was a fear in being labeled.

I suspect that the male Dtypes preference to not be approached by men could be linked to a discomfort with homosexual openness. As I am heteroflexible, I am more flattered than put off if a man approaches me.  Women I think in general have fewer social pressures about same sex attraction… though I could be wrong, that’s my impression.

Here is an interesting comparison between male subbies and female I would like to share:  Most dominants I know who play with both genders will tell you that male submissives tend to be more likely to approach and demand play than female submissives.  I find it very interesting that generally speaking.. male Dominants were less likely to approach a potential submissive than the male submissives are to approach a potential Dominant.  I find it odd that the male submissives are more gregarious than the their male dominant counterparts.

Lastly, I have to mention that during a workshop a while back one black lady mentioned that she was tired of people assuming she is a Domme just because she is black.  I taken back by that.  Apparently it is very common for folks to assume that a black woman is going to be outspoken, aggressive, and lean towards dominance.

We as a community have so much progress to make.



Here is where I stand on all this, none of which should surprise you if you have been reading me for any amount of time.

First.. equality is NOT the highest form of a relation it is the lowest.. it is started point… the foundation on which everything begins.   Equality should be so second nature as to not even need discussion.   It doesn’t matter if a person has a collar or is wearing leather or seems submissive.  It doesn’t matter if a person is introduced as Master so-in-so or slave so-in-so.  When you meet you are equals.   It is only after discussion and negotiations that you arrive at an understanding that your interactions will take a path that both of you find more pleasurable.. that you will seek a more equitable relationship for your mutual pleasure.

Second, respect is a reflection of your own values not the person you give respect to.  You approach not only as a equal, but with respect.   Respect is not earned, it is lost.  Trust on the other hand is earned.  Respect however is how we demonstrate that we are civilized persons who recognize the importance of approaching from a place of equality.

Third, IF you accept these two basic premises and are confident.. as any Dominant should be, then there is absolutely no reason for you to not be somewhat gregarious.  A dominant should not be afraid to accidentally cross a line, be it protocol or social, until that line is defined. If you approached without projecting superiority… as an equal.. and you are friendly and respectful…. any Dominant should feel free to move around a room introducing themselves and striking up a conversation.

Notice that last sentence.  You do not approach looking to score a new sexual conquest or submissive.  If something is going to happen, it needs to happen in an organic kind of way.   A Dominant should never rush and never seem anxious.   Your Dominance is a gift.  A Dominant should not be a puppy begging for attention.  Have the confidence to put yourself out there, be friendly, flirt a bit if it seems warranted, and don’t sweat the rejections.   See a rejection as their loss, not yours, but do this internally… don’t project that or you will be viewed as an egotistic ass.  This internalization is in defense of your ego, not a put down or attack on the person rejecting you.


And now a word specifically for the submissives.

The first thing to ask yourself is WHY?  Why do you want an approach?  Is it is to score a play scene or a new Dominant or just to meet someone new and see where it goes?  The latter option is where you want to be.  Don’t start with objectives and expectations.  Keep it light and friendly.

People that come at you with dick picks, and sex talk right away may be swingers instead of BDSM folks.  If you identify as a BDSM person be wary of these types.   BDSM is more than just sex and you know that.  Not that great sex isn’t part of it but your orientation is more important.  Take your time!

If you are male, I know you are already battling social pressures… Try to be light, friendly, and not demanding.  Try to be helpful… Mistress, may I get you anything? is a nice question… Though if you approach the wrong Mistress with this question she may still strike you down with a comment like “What makes you think I need anything from you?”.   All you can do is apologize but do not punish yourself.   That is the job of a Dominant… don’t take away their job with assumption.  Apologize and be done with it.   Don’t assume you are not worthy.  Again, that is the Dominants job.. to let you know if you are worthy or not.  Above all remember that finding someone special takes time.  Try to maintain a cheerful disposition… that will attract more than sulking ever will.

If you are a female submissive, don’t be surprised if Dominants don’t approach you.  If they do and are demanding, put them in their place.   A Dominant does not have the right to treat you like a slave just because you are female, or  have been identified as submissive.  YOU determine when you become submissive and with whom.   When you are interested..  it is OK to strike up a conversation.  Think shy but not fragile.   Making a connection is not something to rush.  Try to be light, friendly, and helpful.  Some men have to be struck over the head to pick up social clues so if they don’t get it, you may have to be direct…


It should go without saying that everyone is unique.  The above suggestions are based on my own conversations and observations and participation in discussions.  The only absolute here.. and this may only apply in some geo-graphic areas… is that we should all be able to approached as equals and negotiate from there.  We should all be approachable, friendly, and forgiving of first encounter misunderstandings.   We should respect until respect is lost.. usually for repeated and unrepentant misbehavior.   We should not trust until it is earned.   And finally we should give all things time… we should enjoy the ride, the moment, the small interactions for what they are.. and let thing develop organically if and when they do.

Carpe Diem my friends… Be someone’s great day!


Too busy

I try not to write more than two times a week.  I don’t want it to be a chore for my readers to keep up with what I’m doing.

Lately however my slave and I have been crazy busy.   We already had four events a month…two munches we regular, plus the HOX open house, plus we try to make at least one event…  so on average something every week.

Lately our the LBF ( Leather Breath Family ) has been meeting again, and there are some other things like the New Years Open house, and, and, and….   Then on my nilla side the projects always keep me crazy busy, so OMG.

So on the plus side, I’ll keep this short.. On the downside, so much to talk about, which I’ll skip for now.  Raven and Tanya, if you are still reading…  Hugs!  Love you both…  Happy Birthday Master Karl and slave Slamantha…

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day….




Time to write something I would rather not.  I would much rather tell you that I never screw up, that I am always perfect…  but then only a fool would believe such a thing.  I like to project competence that inspires confidence.  I’m going the other way on this one.

To be in control, you must first and foremost be in control of yourself.  On not one, but two occasions recently someone has punched my buttons.   Punched them hard.  When someone throws anger at you, combined with harsh words, and your defense goes up, everyone has to choose a way to react.

Some might react by withdrawing, preferring to not engage and let the offending party slide out of their sphere of influence.  Others, and particularly Dominants, will want to take another course of action.   That action however is going to be shaped by the control you exert on yourself.

If you take a deep breath, consider your options, and speak in strong terms in a soft voice, that would be best.  If however you let your emotions get the better of you it is very likely you will end up in a shouting match, each side dropping into the abyss of volume, anger, and insults.

I am embarrassed to say that on these two occasions my behavior was closer to the latter than the former.  No insults, but definitely more volume.

That being said, I am not really too upset with myself.  I realize my error and I’ve taken time to reinforce in myself the need to not allow my buttons to be triggered.  I’ve taken steps to see that it doesn’t happen again.  I’ve also apologized for the exchange.  It can be very uncomfortable to be in a room when two titans clash.

I could explain how it happened, but then I could slide into excuses and reasons to minimize my own failures.   If someone comes out angry there is a good chance that I consider that to be bullying and  I am not going to stand for it or back down.  But by the same token, I can’t say a fucking thing about it if I am no better.  So how do you become better?

You become a better person by only using anger as a tool.  You wield it without any real emotion or attachment.  You should take it out and use when you need to really get someone’s attention, but you should never actually wear it.  You should never actually allow the emotions to own you.  You have to display anger, not be angry.  There is a huge difference.

Plus, a very cool and collected person is much more scary.   Now there is a goal to shoot for wouldn’t you say?   Instead of getting angry you can unleash your inner sadist and take control of the situation intellectually, with quiet intimidation.  Tell me that doesn’t sound appealing?  It’s actually quite fun to be calm while another person is unbalanced and screaming.

Truth be told I’m making a bigger deal of this than it really was.  These were relatively small events but they are large to me because I see them as a failure on my part.  I am trying to be the best Master I can and a community resource to be looked up to.  I will use these experiences to be a better me.   Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day.





A hot start to 2020…

So while guests chowed down on garden salad, chips, dips, veggies, crackers, cheese and meats..  I fired up the grill and applied generous amounts of salt, pepper, and BBQ sauce to chicken and steaks, then finished them off with a light topping of Parmesan cheese.  The steaks were cut into thin strips that melted in your mouth.. no knife needed.

We laid the meats out on the buffet table with some German potato salad and some other side dishes.  I was worried that everyone would be too stuffed to play.. silly me…

We started with a little spanking, then violet wand, then flogging by which time it was midnight…  We toasted the new year with champagne and followed with some coffee and desserts before returning to the play room for some fire fleshing.

A newbie, anxious to experience fire for the first time went first.  Then an experienced subby who was long overdue for some playtime got their first fire play in a very long time.   A switch who had been watching was so intrigued she wanted a go.  She decided her partner HAD to learn to fire flesh.

Finally, somewhere around 2 it was my slaves turn.    I warmed her with light flogging before sending her spinning off into subspace with some fireplay.. She’s such a fire slut..  After a hot start to the new year, she went out like a light.. what a chore trying to spoon her into bed.

My host duties still not quite complete, I gave one guest a ride home… Now it’s almost four am… great night…  I can finally relax with stiff drink.  We brought in the New Year BDSM style..   The toys are put away but there is some cleaning I think can wait until I get some rest.

A lot of time and expense went into this evening… but on the other hand some great memories were made that can be shared for years to come.    When those stories are told, that’s when you will know it was all worth it.  Hell why wait?  My favorite memories from this evening are the glee on the face of a young domme after she got to do a lovely beating…  or the glowing appreciation on the face of a young lady for the perfectly aligned “tiger stripe” marks I left on her ass with my quirt.  Since she’s a kitty, the marks fit her purrrrrfectly..  Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day.