A long car drive home from a mini vacation and as often happens the subject was BDSM related. “My best friend”, I said, “is a Dominant but he doesn’t want to be called that.” An argument ensued.
The point which I tried to make repeatedly was that there are Dominant characters all around us but they don’t call themselves a Dom. Dominance is a behavior, as found in Wolves. Finding an Alpha in a pack is something I believe without question, so to defend that position was annoying.
In the end we agreed that there is “A Dominant” which is a title in BDSM and there is “being Dominant” which is a behavior. It was suggested that the way I said it meant that he was the “title” version but just didn’t claim the title. What ever. I think people just like to argue too much. Words are meant to communicate a concept but we can’t even agree on what the words are saying mean anymore.
Just to be clear at this point, I was in the car with my slave and three other young ladies. Youth! Maybe there was too much estrogen.. or too much youth.
There is however a point to this conversation worth noting. The actions of being Dominant (verb) can be quite different from the person who claims to be a BDSM Dominant (noun).
There is no one size fits all definition for a BDSM Dominant. I often describe Dominance and submission as a dial with setting from 1 to 100. At one end of the scale is the setting of “1” where the domination is barely noticeable. At the 100 setting, you are into a TPE (total power exchange) or CNC (consensual non-consent) relation. The odd thing about the 100 setting is, once total power exchange is agreed and consented to, there are many settings within the 100 settings.. These are the depths of IE – internal enslavement – the valley through which every TPE couple walks. It can be a terrifying and mystical time, as a Master guides their slave in the fight to find out what identity means when the mind and body are simply an extension of the Master served.
At the setting of 100 while dealing with IE, there can be no confusion between the verb of Dominant and the noun of Dominant. Or can there be? At 100 there is no confusion about desire or intent. A TPE Dominant is driven by passion and focused on a need for submission. The action of dominance is the air we breath. Action and being are one. So what does that say about the other settings?
It is a slippery slope to judge a person at setting 25 to the person at 100. Each desires a degree of Domination over another. Each takes a certain degree of pleasure in that role. Both are dominant to the relation, but to call oneself a “Dom” requires a mental shift.. an internal decision to embrace the role. Just as you can take a dominant role in a relation without calling yourself a Dom, as my friend does… you can also call yourself a Dom without fully embracing and acting on the requirements of being Dominant in your relationship. The latter of course muddies the waters, and I would hope this doesn’t happen too often. The latter is to be avoided.
Also to be avoided is the submissive who wants all the benefits of having a Dom care for them, without actually wanting to obey commands. These are the lazy and broken ones.. good at doing just enough to avoid getting the boot, but always creating challenges. If you are a new Dom and have not learned this yet, learn it quickly. It has to be your way. You can compromise and be tolerant just so much before you are not being who you need to be.. When you come to this crossroad you have to be prepared to ask yourself .. Am I not being Dominant, or have I taken on a submissive who does not fit my needs? – And CAN I fix him or her? Hard questions but don’t be afraid to face them. Sometimes you have to let go of what seems right, to actually find what is right.
What is the difference between being a Dominant and claiming the title? Everything. Anyone can claim to be a Dom just as anyone can claim to be a slave. You will know a person by their actions not their words.
When you find what is right for you, as I have, you will know it. Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!