Speed limits in BDSM ( perspective )

Those of you who were driving before 1995 in the USA know all about the 55 mph speed limit.   In 1974  the federal government of the United States enacted the Emergency Highway Energy Conservation Act that prohibited state speed limits higher than 55 miles per hour (89 km/h).

For the next 21 years people driving on interstate highways that were designed for cruising at 70 mph had to limp along at this slow, annoying, easily forgotten, mind numbing pace.   No one did 55.  Every citizen was constantly in risk of fines levied by local law enforcement and additions fees levied by insurance companies because you were an unsafe driver..  What a travesty!  We were being financially bleed dry even though the law was written for conservation not safety..  It was all very maddening yet our legislators abandoned us to this stupidity for two freaking decades.

Now that the state laws allow for more reasonable speeds once again I am quite content to do what was formally illegal and drive at REAL highway speeds.  I am often passed like I am standing still by others on the highways.

Maybe it is because I spent two decades loathing the speed limits that I am nearly ecstatic that I can now drive at a pace I consider to be much more practical.  Yeah!  It’s finally legal again!

Maybe what you are happy with is a reflection of what you didn’t have.   Having lived at 55 for two decades, 70 mph is wonderful.  Newer drivers have no perspective like that and so have no appreciation for the new speeds..  They see the new speeds as not fast enough I am sure.

I on the other hand am so happy to have the weight and the financial burdens off my back, I don’t need more speed.  In fact at night I worry my low beams won’t uncover a deer in the road in time..at 70 mph.  You can’t use high beams on most interstates…too crowded.. to many oncoming cars.

Therein lies another possible clue to perspective and by extension sadness or happiness in BDSM.  Perspective can change everything!


Its a thing.  When a sType or Dom first discovers our kinky little world and starts going to workshops and events and play parties all of a sudden the “frenzy mode” kicks in.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.. it has happened to lots of us.  But without years of experience the perspective changes dramatically.  You can almost see it like a rungs on a ladder…


At the bottom rung is the nilla world.. no perspective at all.  Those on the first rung regardless of desire, have no understanding of what it will mean when first we reach out into the world of the BDSM community.

I am sure a nilla who is… say a vocal feminist and advocate…. would cherry pick examples of  misogyny to validate their barely concealed misandry and all things “not normal”.  Not that this would be unusual for anyone.  We all seek validation of our core beliefs sometimes at the risk of ignoring some evidence.  This is human nature we must all strive to overcome, I would say.

Some at this level just have not tried climbing to the next rung because of fear.  Fear what others might think.    Fear of what they will find.  Fear for fear’s sake.. some unknown concern that nags and holds you back.  All I can say is.. if you are interested, then take the plunge and learn.

At the second run is your first peek into real life BDSM people and what they have to say.   At this low height you are probably not face to face, which means you can safely harbor your misconceptions.   The view isn’t very revealing so you can still draw any conclusions you like based on your preconceived notions.

If you are young and full of cum, you will probably put up a dick pick to let the world know just how open you are to all the sex you want and expect.  Like I said.. preconceived notions.  (That is not what it about.)

Some newly announced Doms will make offers and demands of slaves.  If you are a slave fresh on the scene.. and even if you are not.. expect idiots to flood your inbox.  You can be listed as homosexual and still be hit on by heteros.  You can be listed as a bottom and still have people asking you to top them.  You can have Doms demand you show up some place and provide oral service… just because they are Doms and you are not.  ( Don’t do it.  Or better yet tell them where and when to meet you but then don’t show.  The idiots deserve to wait two hours in a parking lot for something that isn’t happening. )

It needs to be said…  Some people married young and then made it to the second rung.  You discovered this world AFTER you met someone, fell in love, and made a commitment.  Now you are feeling the a void you wish to fill.

Some will try to change their spouse.  That rarely works but sometimes it will.  Anyone can fake being a sub or Dom for 90 days. Eventually though the game gets old and your real self returns.  Unless the change sparks something that you never knew was there, it will be a struggle.

Some will go outside the marriage to get it. Some will do this honestly.. approaching their spouse to reach an understanding.  Some will lie and cheat.  These folks are rampant in the BDSM community…. people feeling trapped and in need of fulfillment.   If you are new on the scene and meeting people for the first time, try to determine if the person you are speaking with has a spouse and if they are honest with you about it.

All I can say is this: What you do if you find yourself in this predicament is something that you have to live with…  and your new relations as well.   Poly is a thing.. but it only works with communication and honesty.   IF you can’t communicate, if you can’t be honest, are you really good for anyone?

Do what you have to do, to live with yourself and remember this..  A Dom expects a slave to be completely honest and forth coming so they can do what they do.  A slave expects the same of a Dom.  Honesty and communication are skills you need in BDSM.  If you can’t extract yourself with honor then how can you expect your new partner to really trust you?  Do the right thing.

One last word on this.  If you screw up, come clean, fix your mess, and start again the right way.  Messing up is OK if you learn, and improve.  Better to do something right the first time, but it is never too late to start over.  Just remember that that repairing broken trust will take infinitely longer.  For that reason it is best to start on the right foot….


On the third rung you are meeting face to face.  At this point reality sets in.  No more internet beauties that are young, skinny, firm, and visually appealing.  There will be old people, fat people, some not so attractive people.   Suddenly you wonder what you are doing here.   What attracts us first is appearance.  Brace yourself, BDSM is full of average people.

Then we speak to these people.   Behind the speech is the mind and the mind is where great stuff happens.  It is where our real juices get to flowing.

In BDSM you will see couples you never expected to see together.  It is because the attraction is often not on the physical level.  The attraction runs much deeper and when you tap that vein a whole world of excitement explodes into your lap.

Suddenly you want someone for what they do to you inside.. and not just sexually.  Oh sure there is that tingle of arousal, but its more than that.  People you never expected to interest you do something wonderful and you can’t get enough.  It’s time to climb to the fourth rung and fast!  You want to interact and now!


On the fourth rung you are full of fantasy’s and unfulfilled dreams!  You are watching  others play..  rope, floggers, fire, violet, canes, and that’s just the S&M side.  You are seeing dedication, kneeling, protocols, service, and sometimes humiliation.  Perhaps you long to serve or be served?   Some couples break all of your preconceived notions.  They seem so happy.  You want that for yourself!

There are men, not looking to rule women but wanting to be ruled by women.  Many of the rules you thought everyone lived by are flipped upside down.  Some of your darkest secret desires are on display in a dungeon, right there in front of you.  Its all so very tempting and exciting.

It is like stepping into a theme park at the age of six.  You want to try everything and you are tugging on your parents hand to speed them up.   You can’t get to the next thing fast enough. The “parent” in this scenario are the folks up on rung six.

They are cautioning you to pace yourself…  be more slow and cautious..  They are telling you that there will be time for everything.  Of course as a six year old.. I mean an adult on rung four, you are making your own decisions.  Try to make them good ones!


On the fifth run, you have been at this a while.  The view has changed and maybe it is not what you expected.  Some folks have burned themselves out.  You don’t see them any more at munches or dungeons.  If you are on the fifth rung, you are one of those people I would describe as not living this as a lifestyle.  On the fifth run you have discovered that BDSM is your orientation, not a lifestyle.

You can find yourself alone on the fifth rung.  It can be a new time of desperation.  You want to find that partner that others have but they are no where in site.  Or maybe you want to keep it fresh but that isn’t happening.  The choices you make here are just as important as on any other rung.

Some people on the fifth run have made bad choices.. or not had the opportunity to make good choices.   You can fool yourself into thinking you should give up this crazy shit, find someone normal, and just settle down… Don’t do it!

You still don’t have the complete perspective on the fifth run.  You can still deceive yourself.   Learning to hear your inner voice and to be honest with yourself is nearly impossible.   It think most of us will spend a lifetime learning that one.

Maybe from here you move directly to the sixth rung… or maybe you give up and try to start over.

On the sixth rung you are a hardened vet.  You have been around for quite a while.  You know exactly who you are and you know its never going to change.  You can see and appreciate from this perspective where others are on their journey of discovery into the world of BDSM.

It doesn’t make you better.  In some ways it is worse.  The magic that BDSM once brought is now common place.  Not that you don’t still have the spark but your passion is the long burning embers of earlier flames.  It just as hot.. but different somehow.

If you are older than 35 then you may be barred from participating in TNG events.. and bristle just a bit at that.   The notion that I have nothing to offer younger people frankly pisses me off.  I try not to show it, but perspective keeps my mood in check.


At a dungeon recently there was a very elderly Mistress.  She was dressed in very regal clothing looking every bit a queen.   She moved slowly because at this age most movements come at a cost.

I’ve reflected on that vision in my mind a few times since.  I am old and she was so much older that me, that for that moment I was the 20 year old looking at the 40 year old again… Perspective.

Time was that I could not find the body of a 40 year old attractive, nor did I think I ever would change.  I was wrong.  Perspective again.


Hopefully you see yourself in some of these paragraphs.  Hopefully you feel the connection from your personal perspective..  either looking back or ahead… depending where you are in your journey.

No matter where you are on your journey, remember that every step changes the view ever so slightly.  Over time everything changes.   I suppose the most important thing to remember is to enjoy the moment and try to keep a perspective that is open to how things will change.   Try to make good choices and live to never regret your bad ones.. just learn from them.   Change means being able to ever improve on our choices.  Give yourself the freedom to move forward.. and give it to others as well.

When a person makes bad choices we can hate the choice and not the person.  I would also recommend not hanging around persons who make bad choices.. It is a balancing act.   Remember that hate hurts the one that holds it.   No point in investing emotion in the bad choices of others.

We cannot be happy all the time, but neither should we grieve longer than is necessary to let go of a burden.  Carpe Diem my friends.  Be someone’s great day!