In the Nilla world, aka the vanilla world, aka the non-kinky and possibly ultra religious world, what we do in BDSM can be seen as wrong, deviant, even dangerous. How two worlds can be so far apart is not really all that hard to understand. You need only look at pro-life vs pro-choice, or gay vs religious, or even Trump haters vs Trump supporters. The thing each group is looking at is exactly the same and yet both sides see with entirely different eyes. They each come away with radically different views and sadly there is often no room for a middle ground.
We should almost always seek a middle ground in talking with others. I think the bar for when we should seek a middle ground has been getting higher and higher each year. I am not sure why we have become so polarized but I suspect there are many who stand to gain from it and therein lies a truth. Be wary of those who would polarize your views.
I prefaced this piece with the above observation because I want absolutely no one to flame the person behind the comment I am about to share. If you comment, I would appreciate it if you kept your observations constructive and above all, not insulting or an attack.
Having gotten that out of the way, I received a comment on the blog entitled: The gentleman sadist. They said and I quote:
What bunch of garbage. Seriously: don’t you have better things to do than invent micro aggressions? Totally pathetic.
When I read that I smiled. I get it. This person feels strongly about what they read. My first thought was: They have no idea… no idea how pleasurable my slave and I or for that matter many others of my ilk enjoy these things.
Equally amusing were all of the glowing comments already there by persons who get it, who enjoy the same. Had I allowed the comment, it would have stood in stark and opposing contrast to others. How typical of our time.
I had no desire to engage or to try to change the mind of this person who was coming from a place where I must seem repulsive. Some gaps are just too big to bridge. Nor do I wish to further provoke them by going on about this comment.
What I do wish to do though is to point out that having been in the community for a long time we sometimes forget that we can be ostracized for being ourselves. Our community is a comfortable nest, a place where others of a like mind can meet and mingle. Outside though are potentially dangerous waters. Never forget that.
If you are just starting out be cautious. Open an email account JUST for your kinky side. Never share that email address with friends or family. Never use it for anything other than kink. Never use your nilla side for anything other than nilla. When you sign up for Fetlife or some other kink site, use your kink email. Social media is scary adept at making connections. Don’t cross the streams or it wont be long before ads show up that reveal your other side has been found out, labeled, and sold.
There will always be a time when you can come out and be yourself. Remember that this is a genie you can’t put back into the bottle. Be careful starting out. Be sure you know your friends, family, and employer before you disclose. Do not expect justice. Do expect the unexpected. Be prepared for blow back.
I thought I knew before I started, who I could share with and who I could not. Turns out we never really know most people. Some people surprised me. Some people who I thought would be more tolerant were not. Some people I thought needed to be sheltered did not care. You just never know.
Keep in mind that sadio masochism can actually end you up in jail. No one has the right to submit to assault or abuse. I know it sounds weird but because the law cannot separate the consensual from the non-consensual they lump them all into the same basket.
In an examination, a doctor or nurse must report bruises. An officer of the law can press charges on your behalf even if you ask them not to. The changes that have occurred over the years to protect battered women have removed the rights of those who desire to consent to S&M.
It is into this mindset of protecting the abused that vigilantes and extreme advocates can view what is a perfect evening for two as a reason to press charges and punish a top.
Nor could you convince some that you desire what you do. Some will see it as mental illness.
We have a long way to go before BDSM can be accepted. Maybe it never will be. Ah well. In the meantime we will live two lives and try to keep them separate. Only those on the inside see what we see. Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day.