We are magnets

What we hold to our hearts we sow.. and then reap.   This is why hatred poisons the one who holds it.  It is why the sad, lonely geek in the corner of the party stays lonely.  Its why when you are desperate you do not find what you seek but when you let go what you seek finds you.

Desperation is a negative.  But when you let go and live your life happily, you become the life of the party.   The rich who need nothing get free gifts.  Abundance finds more abundance… and poverty finds more poverty.  It has to do with focus… what we hold in our hearts..

We attract these things.  Sadly, few understand that what they project and hold close comes back to them.  More sadly, the BDSM community has way too much drama stirred by persons clinging to negativity.  I think this is a function of something I observe..

In every dungeon, group, and community there is a constant influx of newbies.  The guys who are new put up dick pics.. because they think it is all about sex.  In the constant tide of new people coming and going, there is a small segment that gets it.. and stays.. it is how your core group builds.   Within that core, like any segment of society there are those that are fueled by negativity and those that are more enlightened.

I find that new comers can often be challenged by unresolved personal issues.  Feelings of inadequacy and other things that the Ds relation can mend when attended to by the more enlightened among us.   But there will always be those who represent the larger part of society… the ones that are not open to new learning and hold a secret dark negativity they nurse.. perhaps even unknowingly.

Over the years I have seen so many places opened only to fall.  So many people bicker.  So many holding grudges.   So many petty squabbles.   Some days my faith in humanity is shaken.   What is wrong with people, I wonder sometimes.

Let’s say you want to lose weight.  Do not focus on the loss, difficulty, or challenges.  Focus on the end.. the happiness you will have.  See yourself already there.  Start with loving yourself.  Envision that love of self spreading and reaching out to those around you.  See each step as progress.  See each setback as a lesson learned.   Never hold the negative to your heart.   The mechanics.. counting calories, exercise.. all that jazz… means nothing if you don’t start from inside.   The reasons that hold people back are too numerous to count.

There are people out there who will not even attend a munch.  There are persons that desperately want community but are too shy, too withdrawn, too nervous, too self incriminating to come out and meet others.  Community must be a safe place.   It is a crime against all to inject negativity and your own petty grievances into what should be a home for all.

I’ve seen them fall.. dungeons, slaves, Masters.  Victims of ex-lovers, ex-members, and just plain stupid people too caught up in their own selfishness to think beyond themselves.

After all I have seen over the years it doesn’t surprise me but it still angers me when a person or safe place is betrayed.  It happens all too frequently.   It happened again recently to a place I call home.  Or at least one of my homes.

I put these observations into the most drastic light not to scare you but to remind you.  When you first come into a safe space to be among your own kind it is an awakening.  This is a moment that will glow brightly and warmly.   You may experience slave frenzy.. of Dom frenzy.. the desire to taste it all..  This is common.  You must however put your head before your heart.. at first.

The Dom who starts with teaching you to properly suck cock is an idiot and you are not a doormat.  Take time to learn.. to get to know.   Consent is the foundation of BDSM.  While you are learning protect yourself.

I only want you to never forget that even in community, you cannot let down your guard.  Follow my advice.. keep two lives until you are absolutely certain you are ready to “come out”.  And when you do take that great plunge.. if you do…  do not be surprised at the drama that comes with it.  Sadly, this is just the way of things.

You can’t have mountains without valleys.   Stay positive.  Sure, life will be the death of you but at the very least, strive to live it while you can.  There is everything to be gained.  Carpe Diem my friends.  Be someone’s great day.

Nilla does as Nilla sees

In the Nilla world, aka the vanilla world, aka the non-kinky and possibly ultra religious world, what we do in BDSM can be seen as wrong, deviant, even dangerous.   How two worlds can be so far apart is not really all that hard to understand.  You need only look at pro-life vs pro-choice, or gay vs religious, or even Trump haters vs Trump supporters.   The thing each group is looking at is exactly the same and yet both sides see with entirely different eyes.  They each come away with radically different views and sadly there is often no room for a middle ground.

We should almost always seek a middle ground in talking with others.  I think the bar for when we should seek a middle ground has been getting higher and higher each year.  I am not sure why we have become so polarized but I suspect there are many who stand to gain from it and therein lies a truth.  Be wary of those who would polarize your views.

I prefaced this piece with the above observation because I want absolutely no one to flame the person behind the comment I am about to share.  If you comment, I would appreciate it if you kept your observations constructive and above all, not insulting or an attack.

Having gotten that out of the way, I received a comment on the blog entitled: The gentleman sadist.    They said and I quote:

What bunch of garbage. Seriously: don’t you have better things to do than invent micro aggressions? Totally pathetic.

When I read that I smiled.  I get it.  This person feels strongly about what they read.  My first thought was:   They have no idea… no idea how pleasurable my slave and I or for that matter many others of my ilk enjoy these things.

Equally amusing were all of the glowing comments already there by persons who get it, who enjoy the same.  Had I allowed the comment, it would have stood in stark and opposing contrast to others.  How typical of our time.

I had no desire to engage or to try to change the mind of this person who was coming from a place where I must seem repulsive.  Some gaps are just too big to bridge.  Nor do I wish to further provoke them by going on about this comment.


What I do wish to do though is to point out that having been in the community for a long time we sometimes forget that we can be ostracized for being ourselves.  Our community is a comfortable nest, a place where others of a like mind can meet and mingle.   Outside though are potentially dangerous waters.  Never forget that.

If you are just starting out be cautious.  Open an email account JUST for your kinky side.  Never share that email address with friends or family.  Never use it for anything other than kink.  Never use your nilla side for anything other than nilla.  When you sign up for Fetlife or some other kink site, use your kink email.  Social media is scary adept at making connections.  Don’t cross the streams or it wont be long before ads show up that reveal your other side has been found out, labeled, and sold.

There will always be a time when you can come out and be yourself.  Remember that this is a genie you can’t put back into the bottle.   Be careful starting out.   Be sure you know your friends, family, and employer before you disclose.  Do not expect justice.  Do expect the unexpected.  Be prepared for blow back.

I thought I knew before I started, who I could share with and who I could not.  Turns out we never really know most people.   Some people surprised me.  Some people who I thought would be more tolerant were not.  Some people I thought needed to be sheltered did not care.  You just never know.

Keep in mind that sadio masochism can actually end you up in jail.  No one has the right to submit to assault or abuse.  I know it sounds weird but because the law cannot separate the consensual from the non-consensual they lump them all into the same basket.

In an examination, a doctor or nurse must report bruises.  An officer of the law can press charges on your behalf even if you ask them not to.   The changes that have occurred over the years to protect battered women have removed the rights of those who desire to consent to S&M.

It is into this mindset of protecting the abused that vigilantes and extreme advocates can view what is a perfect evening for two as a reason to press charges and punish a top.

Nor could you convince some that you desire what you do.  Some will see it as mental illness.

We have a long way to go before BDSM can be accepted.  Maybe it never will be.   Ah well.  In the meantime we will live two lives and try to keep them separate.  Only those on the inside see what we see.  Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day.



Sex with an Owner

I don’t believe I have ever seen a discussion on this before – though it most certainly is out there somewhere..  and its never come up in a workshop or support group I’ve been in before… so this is just going to be my observations on this.

I am curious.  How many Mistress/Masters/Owners let their submissive or slave initiate sex?

Let’s face it.  Some Dom’s can be serious control freaks and some stypes want that.  So what an sType can and cannot do is often already spelled out in great detail.   If an sType was to initiate sex, they are sending a clear desire to please or be pleased..  but control of a Dom’s desires is also foundational.   A Dom may put the needs of their slave first but we also put our wants ahead of our slaves.  So what can we say about who initiates sex?

I am sure the answers to my question will be as varied as the respondents, nor do I think one answer is right for everyone.  We could argue that sex must always be initiated by a Dom because it is a control that a Dominant should never give up and that might be a valid observation.. but I still maintain that at the end of the day equity of exchange is the apogee of our relations.. and nothing can stand in the way of that.


So about my choices.  I like taking control of a slave but I think I might be a little quirky.  I have never really been able to really enjoy what I do unless I feel like my partner is also enjoying what I do.

For example, when I first started dating one thing I wanted to know right away was how my date felt about about oral service and swallowing.  I would quickly weed out future prospects that couldn’t meet my needs.   Later as I became aware of community and shifted from a person who dated, to a Dom, I still retained my need to know that my sType enjoyed the services I demanded.   In my mind at least, this is consistent with the foundation of consent that underlies all consensual slavery.

Moving from the past to now, I still find it exciting and hot that an sType desires to serve in a sexual capacity. Certainly the reverse is true.  What can be hotter than a Dom taking his beloved property and using him or her as they please?

But if we really need to know the desire behind consent, what better way than to let my slave initiate sex?  It goes without saying that I can always slap her away if I don’t want to be distracted,  That moment though would be a rarity.   It is more likely that I might deny her for the time being as a way of building anticipation and entrenching my control.  I do so love to torture my pet and what better way than denial?  Especially if she initiated.

There are so many other protocols, so many restrictions on Izrina that constantly remind her that she is property.  I am not HER master, I am the master she serves.  Her every action and word is monitored for things that might erode that mindset.  I am not concerned for a back slide.

Does allowing her to initiate sex interfere with my control?   If I am honest, yes… Perhaps a bit.  But then when you have a slave for a long time you will find there are nilla aspects that start to bleed over into the raw and wonderful world you started with.  It is not a sin for this to happen.   What matters most is that equity is maintained.  If  you as a master do not forsake your sacred duty to make your sType feel your dominance.. and if you are both still getting off on it.. then all is right in the world.  I personally think it can be hot to see and play with a slave desire…

Carpe Diem my friends.. be someone’s great day.



What a DOM can do

We were at a munch the other day and a DOM said.. a DOM can do whatever they want…which got me thinking.  Let me share.

Many years ago I was discussing cutting a slave.  My take on it was that a slave can have hard limits and if something was not negotiated earlier, than it needs to be even if the final collar has been put on.

The Dominant in question however felt that a slave has one shot as negotiating and after that it is up to them to trust that the Master/Owner they serve will do as they please with their property but will never cause permanent harm.

These are two approaches which lead to two very different real world outcomes in the Master/slave relation.  If you ask anyone in the community about this the responses you will get will be as numerous as the people in it.

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I dislike open ended answers to terms that describe a person.  “It depends on the person” works for how you do things, but not so much for me on other things.  So when I heard this comment it got me to thinking that therein lies the answer that bridges that cutting discussion and more generally about slaves, hard limits, and negotiation.

It is possible for a Dominant to do anything they please and still respect hard limits.  A Master/Owner has to just not box themselves in to limits on their powers..  In particular we must be free to get from one play partner what we cannot take from another.

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This observation steers us into the course of poly play.  I also understand that some persons want an exclusive, non-poly relationship.  Life is always so complicated…   So here is what I am thinking now….

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No Dominant should ever box themselves into agreeing to a monogamous relation where play is concerned.  EVER!    A slave needs to understand that a Master is going to do what a Master is going to do.  It can’t be stopped.

The best they can do is hold onto that relation as long as it remains equitably pleasing.   Notice that I said nothing about body fluid bonding.  I am still of the mind that a Dominant can accept an agreement to be body fluid bonded with only one partner, but aside from that I am of the mind that no other restrictions should ever be accepted.  Some things can be retained as special… like hard limits, or sexual intimacy.

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What should a slave accept?   A slave should come to terms with the nature of the relation.   This is no vanilla world we live in.  If you want a vanilla style relation than stop saying you want to be a slave…  You are more submissive than slave-like if you want to make demands and place restrictions on an owner.

It is a harsh reality and I am sure many would want to argue this point but I would say that we have these terms for a reason.. and that reason is to understand what it is we are describing.   A descriptive term has no value if what it means changes from person to person.

If you are a submissive than you have discovered a part of yourself that can be truly fulfilling.  And if you wish to take it to another level that too can be a wonderful thing.  But it is very important to not dilute this term by staying a submissive but calling yourself a slave.

A slave has given all to a Master.  A slave still has the right of consent, though in a much diminished state.  A slave has a responsibility to protect the property of the Master they serve even if they must oppose the Master they serve.. until that Master comes back to their good senses.  A Master who would truly damage their most valued property has lost their way.  They have lost sight of the sacred foundation of their relation : consent based on equity of exchange.

This is the foundation of consensual slavery.  A slaves ALWAYS has the right to invoke their right to consent at ANY TIME.  Its an atomic option to used with incredible restraint as anytime this is invoked it may be the last time as as slave of the Master.

None-the-less.. it is always within a slaves right for as long as the relation exists.  Just remember a Master or Owner is just that.  Owners will be hedonistic, demanding, and perhaps even a little bit of a sociopath about what they will do.

A Dom is going to do what they want.  A Master/Owner more so.  You have to deal with that.. in the context of your negotiations of course.  Consent comes first.  What you must also realize is that anything you take off the table through negotiation and consent, your Owner may pursue elsewhere.  Consider it motivation to keep your hard limits to a short list.


Carpe Diem my friends.. be someone’s great day.