Great munch last night. I do love my peeps… and to talk.. and be in the center of things… wow.. didn’t take long for my Dom side to come out did it?
Dom definition – Doms are grandiose with a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. Doms are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding.
Actually that is the definition of a narcissist but its still pretty spot on. Except for the empathy part. A Dom is complicated in that way. We care deeply about other people but with a tough love that makes it appear we don’t care. Things will get done or heads will roll!
On to Johnny Cammareri…. Johnny is a character in the movie “Moonstruck” which stars Cher and Nicolas Cage. Johnny is also a subject that came up in the car last night. Loretta tells her father she is going to marry Johnny and he says: Johnny Cammareri?! But he’s a big baby! And why isn’t he here when you’re telling me this?
A big baby? That’s one way of putting it. The answer to her father’s question is because he is in Sicily to see his mother who is dying. His mother runs his life. Loretta has become a second mother to him. She looks for ways to give him orders. She knows he needs this from the women in his life. He has no backbone where his mother is concerned. I got to wondering.
How many stypes still obey their parents every word? How many Dominants have had to compete with a parent for control of their stype? What kind of issues did that raise and how were they solved?
I don’t think Johnny’s fictional character is a submissive. He is something else entirely. He seems to have an unresolved Oedipus complex. Freud suggested that boys who do not deal with this conflict effectively become “mother-fixated” and will seek out romantic partners who resemble their opposite-sex parent. Sounds like Johnny.
Some aspects of Doms and stype play with this stage in development. The Daddy Dom and some age play certainly hint at it. But in a more healthy way I think.. There is none of that unresolved, pent up issues of a true complex.
When I met Izrina her Aunt had much more control over her than I did. She and her Aunt were very close. At that point in our relation, I felt like I was competing for control. I felt that her Aunt’s orders came first, my second.
At the start of our relation that might have been a fair assessment. Her aunt and I did have one brief run in.. before her fight with cancer Towards the end she needed 24 hour assistance. There was a period… after the start of the cancer but before the 24 hour need…. where it was nearly impossible to separate what was care and what was control. Of course I would be a shallow asshole to deny or question a need and of course I didn’t object Had she lived it would have been interesting to see how that played out. We will never know now. A little of our early history there.
Our history suggests to me that it is plausible that in some cases an stype might be firmly under the control of parents or other family members. The ways such a situation could play out are endless. The Dominant needs to be in full control, and come first. We must cut off other controls without disturbing the support and affection from family. That is a very delicate dance. It has to be done in a way that gently but firmly makes the family members see that they were controlling and no longer will be.
Family will come to understand that they can have access but no influence. Some family members won’t be able to see the controlling side of themselves and not adjust well. They may redirect anger or frustration at the Dom, as if the stype has no say in this. Some may feel it is their right or be unable to let go of control.
I have mixed feeling about denying access under extreme situations. At the end of the day a slave has to learn to stand up for themselves and to put a Master first.
The truth is that some stypes have not yet learned they have a say in things. Even at age 40 or 50. A person who is an stype in their core will never be completely comfortable with exerting their will. It is an acquired ability. This ability though is important because without it many an stype will be taken advantage of. A Master who knows what they are doing, will help a slave find that inner strength. You want a slave to be able to stand up for themselves, but also trust and follow your judgement completely. It goes back to the difference between abuse and consent.
I talked at length with a male sub who sat across from Izrina and I at the munch last night. His stories were sad in the sense that he has not yet found a Mistress that he can make a long term equitable relation with.
The gentleman sitting across from us had been taken advantage of many times.. one time by a woman cheating on her husband.. who lied that the he was a lawn care person she had hired.. or by pro-doms who squeezed him for work and money with no equity in the relation. Remember that equity is the expected outcome. What you receive from a Ds relations should be as valued by you, as what you give. The relation may not be equal, but the give and take is equitable.
There are always undercurrents of power and emotional forces at work when a child takes a lover. How an stype and their Dom reach equity and deal with family is interesting. Lots to think about there. But back to Johnny…
I have great respect and caring for the submissives in my acquaintance… male and female. I have no respect for Johnny. Interesting… Wherein lies the difference? That lead to some lengthy reflection. Which is why I ended up in a long, out loud, examination of my feeling and thoughts in the car. Izrina mostly just listened. She’s like that.
Carpe Diem my friends. Be someone’s great day.