AKA Diner conversations, take 2….
I once said that the difference between abuse and consent is one fosters love while the other fosters fear.
To talk about this we must dive a little deeper into the differences between truths. There is objective truth and subjective.
Objective is the alter upon which this modern world worships. It says that truth is universal and can be tested and proven by careful observation and testing under controls.
Subjective truth is based on your personal experiences. You can’t prove that God speaks to you or that you saw Big Foot. These are your memories, personal and not to be proven. A subjective truth can be as real to you as an objective truth but others must trust you to believe.
And therein lies the problem for consent and abuse. That we are happy is our subjective reality. That this works for us is not something we can prove in an objective way. You can’t use the scientific method of systematic observation, measurement, and experiment, and the formulation, testing, and modification of hypotheses to validate what makes YOU happy.
By the way… side note – I dislike the term “makes me” or “makes you”. You should make you happy. Nothing else. Maybe it is a Master thing but I want nothing controlling me but me. Likewise, I want my slave to accept responsibility for her own happiness. I can make her do things, but she must choose to make herself happy. Happiness is always there for us, we just have to choose it. This may seem foreign or impossible, but it is quite possible. It is a matter of the perspective you choose. You may have to choose a subjective reality over an objective.. but its there.. waiting to help you be happy. For more on this.. read core belief number nine
Some people like cats. Some like dogs. Some like a Master and some don’t. So when we talk about looking for objective factors that show abuse, it can be difficult to define it based solely on a list. Difficult but possible to a degree…
For example. Here is a list of signs of abuse which subjectively might be your kink:
- Feeling like you’re being controlled. This could include your partner telling you how to dress, who you can see or talk to, whether or not you can have a job, or your partner is restricting your access to money.
- A sense that your partner is objectifying you, treating you more like his or her property than an equal partner.
- Noticing your partner is “overly kind” outside the home with friends, family or coworkers, and changes into a more threatening person with you behind closed doors.
- Having a partner who constantly puts you down or calls you names.
- Feeling fearful that your partner might physically abuse you.
- A general sense of feeling on edge or not feeling safe.
- Hit, slap, choke or shove you, or threaten you with weapons
This list, while taken straight out of the signs of abuse… can actual be things people find pleasure in. It is their subjective reality that this is pleasurable. To some these are objective signs of abuse. To others these are a turn on. Then there are signs of abuse about which we should all be concerned about…
- Having a partner with a pattern of low self-esteem or who expresses feelings of inadequacy or powerlessness. ( A Master is confident, almost arrogant. They have no weakness like low self esteem)
- Having a partner who constantly blames their outbursts, anger or controlling behavior on external circumstances—a stressful job, family drama, drinking too much or just having a bad day. ( A Master never allows anger to control them. When you are angry you have lost control and a Master never loses control )
- Having your partner who threatens to leave or take your children away from you. ( Once a collar is on, we do not take it off. Masters need to build a sense of security. Punishment by taking away security is counter productive to our intent. This is tricky because some people need to experience loss before they can appreciate what they have. )
- Threaten to hurt or actually does hurt your children or pets. ( Children and pets cannot consent. Consent is the bedrock. Enough said.)
- Threaten to kill themselves or you ( That person is dangerous. Get out. )
- Force you to do things sexually that you’re not comfortable with. ( If you negotiated it, this is fine. If you didn’t, it is abuse. )
So what have we learned boys and girls? A little complicated list. It really doesn’t have to be that way. Most things are much more simple than we make them. At the end of the day it really comes down to this. A Master fosters love and a sense of security even thought they mind fuck you all the time, and that is very pleasurable. An abuser is weak, loses control, and fosters an enduring sense of fear for yourself and those around you that is not pleasurable at all, no matter how you try to fool yourself into thinking it is OK.
Avoid abusers. Give respect until it is lost. Make a great life. You can start by being someone’s great day. Nothing makes your day better than helping someone else make a better life. Carpe Diem!