Consent vs abuse

AKA Diner conversations, take 2….

I once said that the difference between abuse and consent is one fosters love while the other fosters fear.

To talk about this we must dive a little deeper into the differences between truths.  There is objective truth and subjective.

Objective is the alter upon which this modern world worships.  It says that truth is universal and can be tested and proven by careful observation and testing under controls.

Subjective truth is based on your personal experiences.  You can’t prove that God speaks to you or that you saw Big Foot.  These are your memories, personal and not to be proven.  A subjective truth can be as real to you as an objective truth but others must trust you to believe.

And therein lies the problem for consent and abuse.  That we are happy is our subjective reality.   That this works for us is not something we can prove in an objective way.  You can’t use the scientific method of systematic observation, measurement, and experiment, and the formulation, testing, and modification of hypotheses to validate what makes YOU happy.

By the way… side note –  I dislike the term “makes me”  or “makes you”.  You should make you happy.  Nothing else.  Maybe it is a Master thing but I want nothing controlling me but me.  Likewise, I want my slave to accept responsibility for her own happiness.  I can make her do things, but she must choose to make herself happy.  Happiness is always there for us, we just have to choose it.  This may seem foreign or impossible, but it is quite possible.  It is a matter of the perspective you choose.  You may have to choose a subjective reality over an objective.. but its there.. waiting to help you be happy.  For more on this.. read core belief number nine

Some people like cats.  Some like dogs.  Some like a Master and some don’t.  So when we talk about looking for objective factors that show abuse, it can be difficult to define it based solely on a list.  Difficult but possible to a degree…

For example.  Here is a list of signs of abuse which subjectively might be your kink:

  • Feeling like you’re being controlled. This could include your partner telling you how to dress, who you can see or talk to, whether or not you can have a job, or your partner is restricting your access to money.
  • A sense that your partner is objectifying you, treating you more like his or her property than an equal partner.
  • Noticing your partner is “overly kind” outside the home with friends, family or coworkers, and changes into a more threatening person with you behind closed doors.
  • Having a partner who constantly puts you down or calls you names.
  • Feeling fearful that your partner might physically abuse you.
  • A general sense of feeling on edge or not feeling safe.
  • Hit, slap, choke or shove you, or threaten you with weapons

This list, while taken straight out of the signs of abuse… can actual be things people find pleasure in.  It is their subjective reality that this is pleasurable.  To some these are objective signs of abuse.  To others these are a turn on.  Then there are signs of abuse about which we should all be concerned about…

  • Having a partner with a pattern of low self-esteem or who expresses feelings of inadequacy or powerlessness.  ( A Master is confident, almost arrogant.  They have no weakness like low self esteem)
  • Having a partner who constantly blames their outbursts, anger or controlling behavior on external circumstances—a stressful job, family drama, drinking too much or just having a bad day.  ( A Master never allows anger to control them.  When you are angry you have lost control and a Master never loses control )
  • Having your partner who threatens to leave or take your children away from you.  (  Once a collar is on, we do not take it off.  Masters need to build a sense of security.  Punishment by taking away security is counter productive to our intent.  This is tricky because some people need to experience loss before they can appreciate what they have. )
  • Threaten to hurt or actually does hurt your children or pets.  ( Children and pets cannot consent.  Consent is the bedrock.  Enough said.)
  • Threaten to kill themselves or you  ( That person is dangerous.  Get out. )
  • Force you to do things sexually that you’re not comfortable with.  ( If you negotiated it, this is fine.  If you didn’t, it is abuse. )

So what have we learned boys and girls?  A little complicated list.  It really doesn’t have to be that way.  Most things are much more simple than we make them.  At the end of the day it really comes down to this.  A Master fosters love and a sense of security even thought they mind fuck you all the time, and that is very pleasurable.  An abuser is weak, loses control, and fosters an enduring sense of fear for yourself and those around you that is not pleasurable at all, no matter how you try to fool yourself into thinking it is OK.

Avoid abusers.  Give respect until it is lost.  Make a great life.  You can start by being someone’s great day.  Nothing makes your day better than helping someone else make a better life.  Carpe Diem!

Pancakes for breakfast

Last night was DAsT at HOX.  We had a early twenties Mistress in training show up.  There was supposed to be a male subby showing up too.. shame the weather turned bad…  So I let her practice her flogging on Izrina until she was just about to drop into sub space… A lovely time was had by all…  We still have pizza left over.

This morning I had a hankering for some pancakes for breakfast.  Lovely golden brown fluffy little stacks of goodness covered in melted butter and sweet maple syrup.  They were delicious!  If you are wondering the significance of that, read The Pancake Wars.

If it wasn’t negotiated off the table, a Master will always get what they want… count on it.


Carpe Diem my friends, be someones great day.


Interesting dinner conversations

Dinner conversation at the House of X can often be quite stimulating.  A few recent subjects thread together quite nicely because there is a common theme running through them.

Masters and sadists walk a razor edge between pleasure and abuse for the benefit of our charges.

We had a lovely evening of dinner and conversation and some light bondage and flogging thrown in for good measure.  Five people in all, and all but one were quite interested in certain aspects of BDSM.  A young lady, we will call her Kitty, has an interest in being a bottom. Not a full on slave mind you but she wants her man to step up and be more Dominant and like almost every subby on the planet she doesn’t want to top from the bottom.  If she has to tell him to Dominate her, it doesn’t work.

So much of our conversation was about how the model that he was brought up in, the gold standard for treating women he thinks is his blue print, may be all wrong for the person he is with.

He has get inside Kitty’s head.  He has to understand what makes her tick and then fuck with that.  The best fuck is always starts between the ears.  He has to push certain limits, both Kitty’s and his own.  He has to push the limits in himself that tell him how to respect and treat his woman.  He has to push her limits so she feels his Domination.  It’s an age old problem.. one we often hear.

It is a razor edge that we Master walk.  Sadists too.  When I control every aspect of Izrinia’s life we both derive pleasure from this.  She from service and submission, I from the Domination and positive changes I make in her life.  I must constantly push my Domination deeper, looking ways to keep it fresh.  From the outside looking in, others may only see me using her.  They are not inside feeling the pleasure we both enjoy.  They don’t understand.. and I mean really do not.  It breaks all notions of conduct in a relation they have been taught.  It is the antithesis of their gold standard.

Imagine though if Izrina and I should end our relation.  Izrina could look back and say: “I don’t know what I was thinking at the time.  He abused me.  He used me.”    If  Izrina is to be punished, and I send her to the bedroom to wait for me and leave her there for hours, and she obeys then consent is given.  She can revoke her consent at any time.  When she obeys it is always through consent.  But from the outside looking in others might say I am abusing her.  I am controlling her.  She doesn’t know what she is doing.

What changes consent to abuse and abuse to consent are a fascinating subject.

And that brings yet another dinner conversation: “RJ Kelly”.  RJ has a history which I am trying to pick through the hype on.  Yes he takes in young women and reshapes their lives.  Yes, he Dominates and controls every aspect of their decision making.  Yes, these women often cut off contact with family and old friends.  Yes, after leaving him they often describe this as abuse.  But those that refuse to leave even after their parents beg them to are still apparently consenting and therein lies the question.  Is this history revision?  Was it pleasurable and consenting at the time but through the eyes of a changed life later labeled abuse?   Or is he crossing certain lies that blur consent?  What are those lines that blur consent?   More on that later…  Fascinating subject..

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

“Taking” Izrina

I don’t know if this is common or not.  It’s not a subject that comes up a lot.  When my slave experiences an orgasm, I consider it a gift to me.

Sex is, at least for me, a somewhat primal thing.  Its a “taking thing”.  It is hard for me to see impaling my slave on my throbbing need as anything less than a domination.  It is a taking thing wrapped up in power and possession.

Beneath me, her sounds of pleasure are my reassurance.  Her orgasm an affirmation of consent.  It is a gift of submission, wrapped in the pleasures of flesh, handed to her owner upon the alter of our peculiar love.

Force fantasy, if you know what that is, in reality is just play.  It is fun to play at rough sex but at the end of the day without consent it turns ugly.  Consent is the foundation of bdsm.   It is important to note that neither pleasure nor orgasm are in and of itself consent.  It can be though…

We bring consent to our play in many ways.. through negotiation, through affirmation, through submission, and other ways.

When a slave in the throws of passion whispers “I am your slave”.. when that slave begs for permission to orgasm.. when that slave offers that orgasm as a sign of their submission and love for the Master they serve.. it is pleasing.. at least to this Master.

I love the gifts of orgasm my slave brings to me.  They please me.  Not just because they stroke my ego.  Yes, there is that too in this.  But it is more than that.  In the taking is domination.  In the giving is consensual submission.  How you do this.. through ritual, protocol, rules, and such can magnify the sense of this.

You need to be more than inside the body of your slave.  You need to be in their mind as well.  Demands and control and protocol drive it all deeper and in sex deeper still.  I am all about control, but I can’t separate sex from power.  They are too closely tied.

Not sure if this makes sense, but then it doesn’t have to for anyone else.  It just has to for this Master and his slave.  Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

Slave humor…

Q-What’s the difference between a slave and a mosquito?

A-A slave doesn’t stop sucking on you after you slap it!

=== === === === === === ===

Q-Why do most slaves prefer tilt steering?

A-More headroom!

=== === === === === === ===

Izrina suggestion…

Q-Why does Master like playing “Destroy all Humans 2”?

A-Because when you force a hippy chick to “follow you” they say:  “YES Master!, Boink!”  (Master likes the boink part)

=== === === === === === ===

Any additions?





Just above silence

Does anyone really need to say anymore that everyone is different?  Probably not but let’s throw that disclaimer out there anyway.

It’s all about me.  I’m a Dom and a Master.  I like being the center of attention.  I like discussing anything and everything and on nearly any subject I have a sell established line of thought with some caveats you may or may not have already considered.

As much as I enjoy bringing new information to a discussion of any subject, I also enjoy when someone brings something new to me.  I like to sharpen my wit and my arguments.  To sharpen steel you need something harder.

Not all conversation is good though.  There is nothing worse than a blathering idiot spouting off insistently.

And that leads me to my slave.  I was trying to kiss her goodby this morning.  I hovered over her, just inches from her mouth, and she was still talking about bonsai trees and her plans to make some.  I grinned..  Then I said, “some women are chatty.”  

Then I observed:  “Some slaves are very outspoken, but I find that annoying.  Some slaves are always silent and that can be a problem.  I like a slave who is just above silence”.  Now it was Izrina’s turn to grin.

It is not easy finding a great life partner.  There are so many ways you can be compatible and yet so many other ways you can annoy each other.

If you are new to BDSM head my warnings.  Take it slow.  Go through the three collars: consideration, training, final.  Negotiate every step of the way.   Make a solid commitment at each step.

Dominants need to do this to make sure you are not compromising your desires.  Slaves, you need to do this because it is your right and your need.   Better to wait and get the right Master or Mistress for you than commit and break that commitment because you didn’t make a good choice of who to offer your submission to.

There are a number of areas to negotiate and not all of them need to be negotiated at first meet, or even at the time of the consideration collar.  Obviously you will negotiate access to your mind and body, that is a given.  But you must also consider money.  You need to decide how division of assets will work and who controls what.  Then there may be children.  Money and children break up more marriages so why should it be any different for a BDSM relation?  Lastly there is the question of spiritual beliefs.  If God and your belief structure is above all else this needs discussion.

I am blessed.  My slave fits me in so many ways.  In the way we do things and the things we like and the way she fulfills my need to control.  That plus it is her natural inclination for conversation to be just a bit above silence.  Well, normally.   Works for me!

Carpe Diem my friends, be someones great day!