Nilla vs Ds – Breakups are hard to do

In the interests of transparency, this blog is being undertaken as a direct result of the following exchange:

  • Xtac -This (blog) is worthy of a mentor letter or call.. My dearest Kitt… submission is a dial that goes from zero to one hundred. At the one hundred setting all negotiations have been completed and all power that will be transferred has been… but that is just the end of the beginning. Within each hundred setting is another hundred.. Having reached the end of the beginning you now start the journey of internalization… also known as IE.. internal enslavement. As the personal boundaries come down there are scary moments where a slave feels a sense of personal identity slipping away.. It is the opening of a raw and unfettered connection so deep and profound that the loss of a partner can be more painful than a simple nilla breakup by many factors. There are many discoveries still awaiting Izrina, never fear…
  • njntje – ‘a simple nilla breakup’? Perhaps from where you sit, but for me that seems a bit self righteous. Rant over, sorry Kit and master B

From one perspective, njntje is correct.  Nothing is more tragic to a lover than their first breakup.  Nor does it get easier with age and experience.  The closer we get to someone, the more we allow ourselves to open and vulnerable, the more risk we take.  But we take this risk knowing that you can’t have mountains without valleys.  To have it all, you must risk it all.

From another perspective, there simply is no comparison between a Ds breakup and a nilla.  The risks a slave or Master takes is in my option greater.  That opinion of course is open to debate but I base my thinking on experience.  I want to dive deeper into my thinking along these lines as this has been a pivotal part of my life.  My story begins in the 1980’s.

The early life of X

A person may start out with BDSM desires, fantasies, and tendencies but we grow up in a nilla world and into this world we begin to date and it is into this world we pursue our first relationships.

So it was that I grew up trying to be the sensitive caring male that valued equality but loved bondage and force fantasy role playing.  Girl friends came and went but it wasn’t until I took my first slave that I truly knew what I wanted.. HOW I wanted my relationships to be.

She was not called a slave…I didn’t have the words at the time to describe as I can now.  She was at my beck and call, a beauty who did as commanded, and we did everything I ever wanted.  For me it was love and so much more, but I was a summer romance to her and at the end of the summer she left me.

Before the breakup I was lean, muscular, dominant and demanding.  I began a period of slowly killing myself with self pity.  I drank, I didn’t exercise, I ate to excess.  I wanted to die…very literally.  If I knew then what I know now about choking and breath play I would have killed myself.

I have described myself as a phoenix because inside I did die.  But it is from the ashes of that relationship that Master X arose.  Now, looking back over the decades of successful and failed relations I can see clearly.


Comparing pain

Pain is pain, and yet sometimes it is not.  Life is not always simple.  Some pain is intolerable.  Some pain is pleasurable.  A rose by any other name may still be a rose but we still manage to prefer red for some occasions and white roses for other.

So it is with breakups.  If the worse pain you ever felt was the loss of your childhood sweetheart, than you can’t image or even agree that there could be a worse pain.  To try to convince you otherwise would be a fools task and it would undermine that persons experience.  It would seem like an attempt to invalidate that experience.

Nothing of course could be further from the truth but we all live in our own unique world shaped by our unique experiences and understandings.  It is the experiences we collect over a life time that give us the ability to change our perspective and with that change say things that others may not agree with.

The dial analogy

I have often described submission as a dial with settings from zero to one hundred.  At zero you submit to no one unless the situation forces this upon you.   At one hundred all negotiated agreements are in place and you are giving every bit of authority you can to another.

Yet even at one hundred, there are another one hundred settings inside the one hundred setting.  This one hundred inside the one hundred is the journey of a life time, the discovery that so many in a TPE or CNC relation explore.  The words that begin that exploration are IE or internalized slavery.

Which is better?

For each person a different setting on the dial is better.  The best choice for you is the one that you are most comfortable with.  It should go without saying, but the best partner for you is one who balances out your preference.  If you prefer to be at one hundred on the analogy dial you should not be building a relationship with someone just like you.  If you are one hundred on the analogy dial you need someone who is zero on the dial.

IE or Internal Enslavement

EE or external enslavement is evil.  It is the enslavement of another being by means of force, intimation, containment, and violence.  Internal enslavement however is a beautiful thing..  it is the fulfillment of your needs in a relationship that grows and grows.

As a slave begins the journey into internal enslavement there are periods where the Master they serve must be prepared for IE or there will be issues.  Because the slave is becoming an extension of the Master’s will.. essentially just another arm that may be flexed and extended at whim, there is a sense of individually that drops away.

This period of losing one’s personality is part of an evolution in the slave, not unlike a caterpillar that emerges as a butterfly.  The process is not always gentle.  What a Master does during this adjustment is to help the slave see their value and contribution.

NO Master worth their salt wants a useless slave..  Each slave comes with talents that exceed those of the Master.  Perhaps the slave is better at budgeting, or negotiating a sale, or something else.  Whatever the slave is best at, these are the things the Master will most likely entrust into the hands of the slave and these areas will be an area of autonomy.. an area where the slave can shine.

It is in these areas of autonomy, and in the duties of slave, that a new focus of personal satisfaction arises and out of that satisfaction a new sense of purpose and understanding of who and what you are.

Surviving a Ds breakup

The closer you get to one hundred on the dial… or zero as was my case.. the more their is a need for your partner.   In my personal quotes are lines that speak to my experiences and lessons learned from what it is like to have half of your personality ripped away..

When this is your orientation, your passion is the journey of a lifetime. We are all on different points in this journey, but we share the same road. ~Xtac Quote, speaking on bdsm

Place your head before of your heart, before you place your heart before your head. Respect is not earned, its a reflection of your own values, but trust, that is earned. Once earned though, you must follow your heart. ~ Xtac Quote

In love, I am like a mirror. This is not a simple metaphor. It has taken me years to understand how to be a good lover. A mirror lives for interaction. When engaged, it is present, totally in the moment, and when left, does not pine or cling for the next interaction. No, a mirror is, completely content to just be, and like a mirror, when a lover comes to me, I am truth reflected, need reflected. I am all that you bring: desire, passion, compassion. I am there for, and completely with you; focused on and in that moment. There is much more, but put simply, to be a good lover, I must be a mirror. ~Xtac Quote

What everyone should do, is choose wisely, that which they focus their attention, passion, and energy upon. ~Xtac Quote

Our value is determined by what we bring to a relationship, not the relationship itself. ~ Xtac Quote

All quotes

It is that last quote that is the most telling.  I went to an important and significant event a while back without Izrina by my side.  With her by my side you see a physical manifestation of the Master I am.  Her every attention to me makes this point.  But alone I could be anyone.  How then do we carry ourselves without the person that completes us?  The answer is in seeing our value, in seeing what we bring to the relationship.

When I considered suicide in the 80’s and actually practiced a slow form of it, I was lost.  I could not see the Master I was without my slave.  So too, a slave without a Master may feel worthless.  After all, taking is the most important part of giving.

What I learned was that we must always see the value in ourselves.. with or without a partner.   Yes we can build these deeply connected relations but our own self value must always be rooted in what we bring the relation, not the relation itself.

Final analysis.. Nilla vs Ds

Is breaking up harder for a Dominant/slave than for a nilla relation?  It depends on your perspective.  As outlined above we must consider how a person processing pain, and we must consider the degree of their orientation as a Master or slave,  and into this mix we must consider if this person has begun to touch upon IE and if they have come to understand their interactions with the internalization of enslavement, have they learned to separate the value they bring to the relationship, or are they trapped in the notion that their relationship IS their value?

When one undertakes a serious commitment to total power exchange the nuances become subtle and complex.  From my perspective, I see a slave as having no personal boundaries.  A slave’s mind is an open book.  This leads to a raw honesty.   It is not always an easy thing to accept the raw uncompromising truth of another.  In a nilla relation you need not explain your thoughts but to a slave the Master is often also your therapist and the person at your confessional. The Master listens to your sins, takes away your burdens, and completes your needs.

As such the relationship is symbiotic.  All breakups tear away half of what you need but in a Ds relationship that need is more than 50/50.  A slave fulfills a Master’s need to Dominate just as a Master fulfills a slave’s needs.  The deeper the roots of your partner delve into your life, the worse the pain at their removal.  In my experience, Ds roots run very deep.

From my perspective, and because I see Ds roots deeply entangled into the very fiber and core of our being, I see a Ds breakup as much more complex than a nilla.  Right or wrong, this is my perspective.

The plan

Because so much of my life has been deeply shaped by my personal experience around breakups, the House of X mission will be tied to slaves without Masters.   We will strive to be a community resource with workshops and play parties but our first goal will be to be a place that serves the brokenhearted.



Disclaimer –  I loath having to make these comments but it seems we often must explain the obvious.  Obviously each Master trains differently, and obviously all submission is not the same.  Therefore it naturally follows that not all Ds relations are “entangled into the very fiber and core of our being”.   I am thinking in terms of CNC, and TPE as is my direction and the direction of CNC/TPE in general, but it should be noted that even within that subset not all approach training the same way.. obviously.