Love and BDSM

You don’t need Love for BDSM.  In fact, for some people they explicitly don’t want a Master or slave relation tainted by love.   For some, love is a detractor to the relation.  They want the unfettered cold hand of control with a sense that the person wielding the power is not troubled in the least by any inconvenience their command may create.

That is not entirely me.  I mix spirituality with my BDSM.  For me, the control is about creating a loving relationship in which we both blossom, nurtured by optimum conditions.  I am that hopeless romantic, ever believing that it is possible to find a soul mate, that ideal relationship in which two people thrive off ever increasing contact.

I have had my phoenix moments.  A time when a BDSM relationship ended and I fell into a burning downward spiral of self destruction.  We speak of aftercare in our all glorious search to treat those in our care righteously, but we don’t speak enough of relationship aftercare.. the caring of those who are caught in that vicious treadmill of questioning where the relationship went wrong.. what they could have done to change it.  It can be a destructive path.  It was for me.  But like the phoenix, I was also reborn.  I’d like to do a workshop on it.

After that experience, at first I nurtured a cold heart.  One that was simply about the control, about what I could get.   But Izrina and I have had a lot of time to build this relation and I find old and dangerous roots thriving.. the NEED to feel that love returned.  Does that make one weak?

It does.  I learned a long time ago, that to love well, I must be a mirror.  That which I give, I can not cling to.  I must be the moment reflected, not looking forward or back with desire.. just there sharing what joy is brought before me.

When I feel old ways creeping back in, when I feel that need, that clinging, returning, I can turn one of two ways.  I can become sulking, sad, and upset.  Or I can laugh.  Odd choices, I know, but bear with me.

When a loved one is displeased with you, and instead of that loving vibe emanating from them, where you feel their love and desire to be with you.. when instead of that, you get that cold shoulder and the sulking stare, the angry vibe.. and you can realize how addicted you have become to the first.  Love can be a very addicting drug. As a Master you can go one of two ways.

You can go down a path destructive to yourself and your slave, you can become a slave to your desire to be loved, begging them to love you in return, pleading with them to drop the hate…You can see the destruction that would cause.  Or you can laugh.  You can laugh because you know you are in charge, and any silly tantrums are going to end badly and not for you.. you can realize that people are people, including your slave and you can’t expect them to never be cross with you.  But as long as consent exists and as long as the gift of your domination is desired, you hold the cards, so ultimately it is all rather amusing.

It’s somewhat further amusing when you see this clearly, and you can see the emotions in the room, and you can see your choices, and rather than your emotions defining your decisions, your decisions define the outcome.. predictably.   None of which is really destructive to the objective of mixing love with BDSM.  You just have to be on a higher level, looking further ahead to the outcome of your choices that are made here in the moment.  Its not so much an absence of emotion from your decision making, than the predictability of our responses when we stay in our sacred roles.  Anger melts, and love returns, when you stay strong.

Carpe Diem my friends.. love someone well today.

One thought on “Love and BDSM

  1. Knowing you hold the cards really was the defining dynamic that turned my relationship from a rocky road to a creamy chocolate gilato.

    …just had some amazing gilato in midtown and now it’s clouding my analogies haha.

    Liked by 1 person

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