First 30 minutes – Sorry

First 30 minutes – I make the decisions in this home.  I am the Master.  Most “normal” people would think of Izrina as my girl.   But we are not “normal”, Izrina is my slave.  When she needs a decision from me, she knows this.. NEVER hit me in the first 30 minutes, AFTER I get out of work.

When I get home from work, I need time to de-stress.. to adjust from the high-pressure, pop, pop, pop – demands for my time, that come at me staccato style.  The first 30 minutes after I walk in the door is a terrible time to demand a decision.  First, I don’t take well to demands, and second, after living with that kind of pressure all day,  I am going to be less generous than if I have a few minutes to relax.  Not that I would make a bad decision.. but I would definitely be unhappy.  I am clear about the need to have this time.   Break my rule and that unhappiness is going to result in a less generous response.

I also do this for Izrina… when she gets in from work, I generally have a hot tub waiting for her.  I give her time to get the straw out of her hair, wash out the smell of horses, and to give her time to start feeling sexy.  I feel she needs time to adjust from employee to slave.  Its the other side of the 30 minute rule.   I feel she needs this adjustment time too..

In fact, as a general principle, I think its good advice for any couple, Ds or nilla.  Nilla, or vanilla is what we call “normal” people.  In many ways though we are not so different and I think in this 30 minute rule, it makes sense for everyone.

A house should be a home.. and a home should be a shelter from the storm of life.. A home should be a castle where you feel safe and secure..and you share your love for each other by nurturing each other.  To the degree that it can be, a home should be where you go to get away from stress.

Sorry – I once said to a person of considerable power and authority, “Sorry” and they said, “What do you have to be sorry for?”.   I think about that life lesson often and it comes back to me again as I think about the “First 30 minutes” rule, particularly today.

Izrina took off the day.  I took off the day.  We planned to have a wonderful day together.  Then work arose that wouldn’t let me have the day off.  I was in early.. I worked all day, ten straight hours.. no breaks.  People pulling at me the whole time.  I didn’t get a chance to even message Izrina.  As I was working, I became more angry at this situation.  I imagined her there, at home, wondering what was going on, and feeling something….I don’t know.. what?…. anger?  sadness?  something!

So when I DID finally get home, I was a caldron of emotions.. anger mostly at work for interfering with this plan.  But sorry… but then… what did I have to be sorry for?  This was beyond my control.. So what should I feel?… I puzzled and  puzzled, until my puzzler was sore..

The thing about being sorry is, that it softens another person’s anger.  It is also a submissive posture.. it says.. go ahead and give me your anger.. I deserve it.  Grrrr.. not my thing.. I rarely feel like I deserve anger and I NEVER like assuming a submissive posture.   So should I be sorry if Izrina was angry too?   No.. I had nothing to apologize for..  But still.. there it is.. you want to soften your partner’s anger.. if it exists… so what then.. how to roll with what greets you at the door. I didn’t know what would greet me.. there had been no time to talk.

All of this was going through my head.  I was in the mood for comfort food.  I decided to get a pizza.   To get the pizza I needed to hit the ATM.. then other delays happened.. adding to my frustration and anger…I seemed like at each stop, there was some idiot ahead of me.  At the ATM, the lady ahead of me failed to pull close enough, she stuck her whole  body out of the car rather than open the door, and then seemed to have never seen an ATM before…she took ten minutes..seriously.. ten minutes.  I stopped for Bacardi..similar story.   The guy who cut in front of me at the parlor who had a long chat with the owner, the car was standing, running at the curb the whole time.  I kept looking at the car, then him, then the car…mind you, I’ve been through this twice already on the way home… My patience was nearly gone.  Three stops.. what should have been 20 minutes total, took me 40 minutes.

If I was pissed when I left, I was double pissed by the time I got home.  She greeted me at the door.  I told her straight up.. I need my time to de-stress,  or maybe I growled it.. I was in a pretty foul mood by the time I got home.   A hot tub was waiting, a stiff drink was served, and in a very short time, I was relaxed.  In remarkably quick time, actually.. maybe ten minutes.  I found myself ready, anxious even, for dinner and talk.  That and a little guilty, perhaps. When someone is sweet to you, its really hard to hold onto feelings of anger.  I called her to my side.. “I have been waiting all day to be with you”, I said, “and I wanted my first words to be good, and positive, and loving.. I didn’t want you to be blasted with the negativity I walked in with…”

She served the slices, already topped with extra garlic and other goodies I normally sprinkle on.. in high protocol fashion.  She wore something red, silky, and sexy.  We settled in to watch another show from a DVD series, as we usually do at dinner time.  I like 30 minute shows during dinner, its a fun routine.  Obscure shows you haven’t seen in decades are the best.  We usually finish dinner before the DVD and she clears away the plates.  She curls up next to me until the show ends.. and then we talk.  Such is our routine..

We talked some time later.  She has become accustom to not hearing from me when work is hectic.  She figured I was trapped at work again.. knew there was nothing that could be done about it, and made the best of the day she could.   What a reasonable response from a very good girl.   I got my 30 minutes, we had a nice dinner, we talked. In spite of our day being spoiled, the evening was nice.

When you tie yourself to someone like me, with the kind of work I do, you have to become accustom to the fact that sometimes work takes priority over all else.  There are many professions like this, and its not always an easy life..  partners who accommodate such a relation are a blessing.

As she lay in my arms, and we settled down for the night, I said…“I teach that happiness is about NOT focusing on the future or how your plans went, and its about NOT focusing on the past and how bad it was or how much better it was.  The key to happiness is about focusing on NOW and how good THIS moment is, or could be.   Then, as I held her I said.. “this is a pretty wonderful moment”.  She snuggled closer, in silent agreement.  What we have might not be for everyone, but it works really well for us.

If you share a house with someone, make it a home.  Make it a place of refuge from the storms of life.  Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day.