Unconditional love

I was pondering the nilla perspective…

Imagine for a moment that you are a nilla.. yeah I know its hard but just for a moment imagine that Master and slave is NOT the air you breath.  Imagine for a moment that BDSM is not required for you to feel alive.  You are just a plain person, striving to find Mr or Mrs right….  Ok?

You as a nilla person, desperately want to fall in love with that special someone who is caring and considerate and treats you fairly as an equal.  You want the house in the suburbs with the kids in the car seat and modern kitchen and riding mower.   The good life is defined by your lover, your home, your kids, and a partnership that splits everything down the middle.. its based on your highest moral code.. equality.

And then you see those folks in the corner of some restaurant.. they are mostly dressed in black, some in leather, and some of the men and some of the women are wearing dog collars and metal hoops around their necks… they are definitely an odd group and you wonder. what ARE those people up to?

And as you and your significant other drive home from the restaurant, you ask.. did you see that group in the corner?  Yes, comes the answer, I think that was a BDSM group.. you know.. people who like that 50 shades stuff…

So in your nilla mind, you wonder.. why do these people need this to feel satisfied?  Why would anyone need to Lord over another… or bow down to another?   What is it with these people? Isn’t it enough to JUST love another?  Why all the extra claptrap and hoopla?  Why make it so complicated.  All you need is unconditional love… Just make a home with your significant other, and make your love a shelter from the storm.. a safe place where you both unconditionally love each other.  Why can’t these people be satisfied to just make a house into a home?  What is with those weirdos?


Sorry Virginia, Santa Clause packed up his big fat leather belt and left town to spank some naughty asses…  We don’t roll with unconditional love.  We definitely have conditions, and its a better way.  Lets build some bridges between these two views, shall we?



Unconditional love, or agape love, is great when you are a parent.  It makes sense to let your child know that no matter what they do, you as a parent will always forgive and love. Or maybe this is your ideal vision of how angels and God might be.. that no matter how flawed and sinful you might be, there is forgiveness and unconditional love…   This is your highest form of love and it shapes all your thinking on the subject.

The problem is, unconditional love gives and asks for nothing in return.   It also expects nothing and as such, rarely makes demands.

Yes, conditional or eros love is needy, sexual and full of conditions.  Conditional love always has demands..  needs to be met…. passions to be sated.  It is the way of eros love that we burn brightly with much heat and need.

Both kinds of love are still love.  We who practice BDSM lean more towards the red eros love.  We place conditions on your relations.  We have expectations and needs that must be met before we can come alive.. before we can feel the kind of love and relation that we crave.

White and red energy*, agape and eros,  unconditional and conditional, these are paths that we can take in a relation.  They are at opposite ends of the spectrum.  When one is your need, it is hard to see or understand the other.  One is not necessarily better than the other, and when we see this, our nilla and kink sides have a common ground.  Of course that does not mean that either view may flip and change sides but we can see the others way of looking at things.  Nor should we flip.  Each has its place and its time.

I do have unconditional love in my life.. with my daughter.  I will never have this with my slave.  I will always have conditions for that relationship, or the relationship will end.  My relation with my daughter has no conditions, and will never end.  It is the way of things in my reality, in my world.

We who practice BDSM see the necessity of this.  We often have a duality to our lives.  Isn’t this when you think about it actually the natural outcome of eros and agape love?     Shouldn’t there be a clear distinction?    Shouldn’t that distinction be more than mere words?   Shouldn’t that distinction carry over into the actions and interactions of a relation?   BDSM is actually the natural outcome of rejecting one kind of love fitting all relations.

I am not sorry.. this is the way of things, in my world.  What I see, I see clearly.  BDSM is a place for the heart like no other.  It is a raw, vulnerable, exposed world.  It is a place that bows to the reality of power structures, and the need for conditions in love.  It is a place that tears down walls between two people and builds new walls around the both of you.  It is a needy, passionate place.  It is a lusty, sexual, physical, spiritual and emotional embrace.

It is no better or worse than the virginal pure unconditional agape love, but it is the appropriate love for lovers.  For me and BDSM practitioners all over the world, there can be no other way.

Perhaps we tend to wear leather and black because we are still doing battle, still rebels fighting for our cause to be recognized.  We fight for the reality that one love is no better or worse than another.. that each of us must pursue the love makes sense to us. Perhaps we are rebels because we believe we better understand how relations should work.  All relations.  Go forth and do battle my friends, with passion and love…  Be someone’s great day!


*Red, as in the red chakra  White as in the crown chakra