My mother is in her seventies, closer to eighties really, and as with any generation difference we have different values and ways of looking at things. That’s something important to remember when I’m dealing with my daughter.. but I digress…
I’d like to share a recent conversation we had regarding BDSM, because it had me thinking.
Mom said something along the lines of.. “at least BDSM isn’t domestic abuse.” Now I am a thinking person and I have researched the signs of domestic abuse and oddly there are some similarities in the behaviors of a TPE Master and a domestic abuser. Those are hard words to hear, but true. I’ll leave validation of that to another blog, but you need only google for signs of domestic abuse, and things like “controlling behavior” jump off the page at you.
So, being the thinking person I am, I replied “Oddly, there are similar behaviors between BDSM and domestic abuse, but the key difference is that one is governed by consent and the other by fear.”. Pretty clear difference, I thought.
And she replied: “Oh, don’t tell me that! I don’t want to get muddled up. I have it in my head that this is OK, and I don’t want any confusion to set in.” Well, I thought I could talk my way out of this one. I could explain that how we often have problems with people not understanding, like when there are bruises. Of course the bruises comment made it worse.
She flatly stated, “No one should ever want to be hurt. There is something wrong with you if you want to be hurt. I don’t know if its low self-esteem, or if its some other mental problem, but I simply cannot understand or even accept that wanting to be hurt can be normal.”
There it was again. The invisible elephant in the room. The age old question of BDSM.. How can you love someone, AND want to hurt them? How can a person want a good beating? How can this be healthy?
I asked. “You know about runners. how they can push themselves past a healthy limit, and endure the pain for the pleasure that came of it?” She accepted this, understood it. I turned the conversation to EDSO. .which is the easy way of remembering endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, Oxytocin. I explained: “Endorphins mask the runners pain, but Dopamine kicks in and gives a chemical high which is very addictive. What a Masochist is doing is getting high from chemicals you don’t have to buy or swallow. They are getting a high which can be very addictive, just from what they do, much like a runner. Its a Dopamine addiction” That seemed to placate her for now.
All was right again. The translucent elephant in the room turned invisible again, but I could hear him rummaging around the room, knocking over stuff… wish he’d keep still!
Its an age old question, and one we sometimes change for. Sadists who fall in love sometimes become less sadistic. Sometimes a Master becomes less of a property owner over time. People become more “proper” sometimes after marriage. We feel these pressures from outside our relation, the push to be “normal” and just stop all this controlling, abusive, violent behavior.. to put it in their terms…
And yet, I and my slave could not be happier. We don’t fight. She purrs at my feet. I glow watching her move about in her slave roles. Simple pleasure fill our days. The contrast between the view of a controlling, abusive, violent person, and a loving dominant and sadist is quite shocking. Perspective and experience really is everything. There it is again in the 50 shades movie.. the notion that somehow there is something basically wrong-just one reason to hate on the movie and book.. and yet no one can deny the sense of excitement, the guilty pleasure in it.
I have long come to grips with who and what I am. There is no turning back. I simply can not live a vanilla life. But occasionally, I do get twinges when challenged to explain my life. Only one thing bothered me in our conversation. IS the desire to be controlled, or to be controlling a sign of some past unresolved mental health issue? IS it possible that a desire to Dominate, or submit will fade if this issue is resolved? I sense no unresolved issue in myself.
I was speaking with my lawyer today and he asked me if I get my confidence from being the oldest of my siblings. I grinned. “No, I said, I think it comes from my management experience. From my many dealings with people and directing them.” That covered just enough of the truth I thought.
In after thought, I truly have become very comfortable in my skin, being both an owner of people.. or person rather.. and a sadist. But the age old question can and will raise its head from time to time. Some of us have learned who we are, have come to realize we will always be this way, and know this is our orientation not a lifestyle. For those of us that have crossed that bridge and burned it, we must now build a new bridge of understanding.. We need that so others can see across, and perhaps cross over too.
I hear that elephant stomping about still.. ah well.. the next generation may better understand and accept.. Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day.. you kinky fuckers, you!