Mom always said…

If all your friends were not jumping off a bridge would you just do that too or would you think for yourself?

tick, tock..

Ok.. maybe she didn’t say that… but I hope you had to read that twice to get the logic.  You see, silly platitudes and arguments of logic can always be twisted for or against you.  The real question is what not what anyone else does or thinks, the question is.. what do you want to do and think?

 Only the foolish learn from experience, the wise learn from the experience of others. – Romanian proverb

But then you remember that all the experts down through the ages have often been wrong.. I thank the Godless we now know that the world isn’t flat….. so where exactly is the value in experience and expertise?

I think what mom actually used to say was..  You are always free to choose but not free to choose the results of your choosing.. and then she would prove it which often made me quite unhappy in the process.  Maybe that’s where I get it from.

When pursuing the mysteries of life; seeking higher truths, remember that every real truth is a paradox. This is why, the smarter we get, the less we know. ~Xtac Quote

Now there is a truth to sink your teeth into…It seems that no matter what truth you seek,  there is always a counter point coming from someone.

If there is a deep hidden message in tonight blog it is this.  Only in the path of your values and in your search for happiness will your personal universe reveal to you the truth as it exists for only you.  If you can share that with even one other person, you are doing pretty damn good.

Carpe Diem my friends..  Go beat someone you love.. or don’t… It’s your universe after all.

What would you do for Love?

It was just another evening, living with X.  My slave curled up with her head in my lap, as we talked of things from our day and the evening.  It is warm moments like this that I bask in.  It is the small treasures of pleasant memories like this that keep me warm during my endless toil at work.

The subject turned to love and somehow the topic turned to what it would take to get rid of me..  and I said, that’s easy.. just break your sacred role as a slave.

Warning.. spoiler alert… can you see where this is going?

I had the sudden twinge that you get sometimes when you know you are treading on a subject where there can be no happy outcome…  Where any answer is a wrong turn.  I saw the dead end in the canyon, but I forged ahead anyway.

Izrrina was taken back.  She wanted to hear that my Love knew no bounds, that I would fight to hold onto her.

But that is the thing about consent, is it not?  How can you make someone consent and it still be consent?   How can you fight for a thing, and it not be coerced?   Some things to be real, must be freely given..

I told her, “You have concocted an impossible scenario.  What I love about you IS your slave nature.  Without it you are not you.  In other words, I can only not love you, if you are not you.”

It is that fantasy that haunts us sometimes.  We want to believe that that a person can and will Love us no matter what..  but that is not me.  I have conditions.  I do not love a partner unconditionally, it is not my way.

Then I asked.. Would you love me if I stopped acting like a Dominant?

Warning.. double spoiler alert… can you see where this is going?

It was my turn to be disappointed.   She felt she could love me even if I stopped acting as a Dominant.  Well, more correctly, she wanted to believe that she could see past any obstacle to hold onto our love.  THAT was not what I wanted to hear.  It brought up all my  old fears that she had a nilla side, that might rise again.. that she wasn’t really a slave at heart.  For me, the roles are sacred.  There can be no other way.

Clearly my Canvas needs work..  Carpe Diem my friends.  Go be someone’s great day.

Welcome to the dark side


As IF…

BDSM wasn’t dark enough.  Do you remember the days as a teen when you could pack away a couple cheeseburgers, a shake, some fries, still be hungry, and your stomach was just skin over muscle?

Ah.. the beautiful bodies of our youth.  And still some of us nurtured a yearning for those older folks.. maybe a teacher… or a friends parent…


You know what?  There is an innocence to the child perving after the older woman or dude.  But what of us who have become the other side?   Can we still fantasize about  a woman 25 years younger and still have it be perfectly all right?

Guess  you will have to ask Izrina…. That’s her world.

Unconditional love

I was pondering the nilla perspective…

Imagine for a moment that you are a nilla.. yeah I know its hard but just for a moment imagine that Master and slave is NOT the air you breath.  Imagine for a moment that BDSM is not required for you to feel alive.  You are just a plain person, striving to find Mr or Mrs right….  Ok?

You as a nilla person, desperately want to fall in love with that special someone who is caring and considerate and treats you fairly as an equal.  You want the house in the suburbs with the kids in the car seat and modern kitchen and riding mower.   The good life is defined by your lover, your home, your kids, and a partnership that splits everything down the middle.. its based on your highest moral code.. equality.

And then you see those folks in the corner of some restaurant.. they are mostly dressed in black, some in leather, and some of the men and some of the women are wearing dog collars and metal hoops around their necks… they are definitely an odd group and you wonder. what ARE those people up to?

And as you and your significant other drive home from the restaurant, you ask.. did you see that group in the corner?  Yes, comes the answer, I think that was a BDSM group.. you know.. people who like that 50 shades stuff…

So in your nilla mind, you wonder.. why do these people need this to feel satisfied?  Why would anyone need to Lord over another… or bow down to another?   What is it with these people? Isn’t it enough to JUST love another?  Why all the extra claptrap and hoopla?  Why make it so complicated.  All you need is unconditional love… Just make a home with your significant other, and make your love a shelter from the storm.. a safe place where you both unconditionally love each other.  Why can’t these people be satisfied to just make a house into a home?  What is with those weirdos?


Sorry Virginia, Santa Clause packed up his big fat leather belt and left town to spank some naughty asses…  We don’t roll with unconditional love.  We definitely have conditions, and its a better way.  Lets build some bridges between these two views, shall we?



Unconditional love, or agape love, is great when you are a parent.  It makes sense to let your child know that no matter what they do, you as a parent will always forgive and love. Or maybe this is your ideal vision of how angels and God might be.. that no matter how flawed and sinful you might be, there is forgiveness and unconditional love…   This is your highest form of love and it shapes all your thinking on the subject.

The problem is, unconditional love gives and asks for nothing in return.   It also expects nothing and as such, rarely makes demands.

Yes, conditional or eros love is needy, sexual and full of conditions.  Conditional love always has demands..  needs to be met…. passions to be sated.  It is the way of eros love that we burn brightly with much heat and need.

Both kinds of love are still love.  We who practice BDSM lean more towards the red eros love.  We place conditions on your relations.  We have expectations and needs that must be met before we can come alive.. before we can feel the kind of love and relation that we crave.

White and red energy*, agape and eros,  unconditional and conditional, these are paths that we can take in a relation.  They are at opposite ends of the spectrum.  When one is your need, it is hard to see or understand the other.  One is not necessarily better than the other, and when we see this, our nilla and kink sides have a common ground.  Of course that does not mean that either view may flip and change sides but we can see the others way of looking at things.  Nor should we flip.  Each has its place and its time.

I do have unconditional love in my life.. with my daughter.  I will never have this with my slave.  I will always have conditions for that relationship, or the relationship will end.  My relation with my daughter has no conditions, and will never end.  It is the way of things in my reality, in my world.

We who practice BDSM see the necessity of this.  We often have a duality to our lives.  Isn’t this when you think about it actually the natural outcome of eros and agape love?     Shouldn’t there be a clear distinction?    Shouldn’t that distinction be more than mere words?   Shouldn’t that distinction carry over into the actions and interactions of a relation?   BDSM is actually the natural outcome of rejecting one kind of love fitting all relations.

I am not sorry.. this is the way of things, in my world.  What I see, I see clearly.  BDSM is a place for the heart like no other.  It is a raw, vulnerable, exposed world.  It is a place that bows to the reality of power structures, and the need for conditions in love.  It is a place that tears down walls between two people and builds new walls around the both of you.  It is a needy, passionate place.  It is a lusty, sexual, physical, spiritual and emotional embrace.

It is no better or worse than the virginal pure unconditional agape love, but it is the appropriate love for lovers.  For me and BDSM practitioners all over the world, there can be no other way.

Perhaps we tend to wear leather and black because we are still doing battle, still rebels fighting for our cause to be recognized.  We fight for the reality that one love is no better or worse than another.. that each of us must pursue the love makes sense to us. Perhaps we are rebels because we believe we better understand how relations should work.  All relations.  Go forth and do battle my friends, with passion and love…  Be someone’s great day!


*Red, as in the red chakra  White as in the crown chakra




The paradox ( My Master )

There is a strong emotional need to refer to the Master you serve, as “My Master”.  But if you have ever been trained as a slave, or trained a slave to use third person then you must also have struck upon the common rule that a slave must never say.. “My Master”.  A slave does not own a anything and least of all, a Master, so to say “My Master” is often forbidden.

The correct term is, “the Master I serve”.  But how bland and tasteless is this?  As if there is no deep and meaningful bond.  As if this is the person I am serving today but tomorrow there may be another.

Oh!, I know that nothing could be farther from the heart of a slave that deeply desires to serve the one who would render unto them the gift of Domination.  Many would rather die than speak the words, you have no meaning to me other than to be the current person who Dominates me. Still, isn’t this what it feels like to say…”The Master I serve”?

Do not those words feel somehow hollow?   Are you not compelled to fight to say, “MY Master”?   Do you not want to cling to the desire to say loudly and proudly, this is the great and powerful person to whom I have sworn allegiance?

I tell you now that Orgasm denial has nothing over the mindset of a slave when it comes to denying a slave the opportunity to say, “My Master”.   What nilla woman does not want to scratch at her competitors?   Yet we deny our slaves this opportunity, the right to say as a nilla might: “Bitches he is mine!”.

I don’t think that we give enough thought to the sacrifice this means.  Not that I would surrender this to my slave.  There can be no other way.  She is mine.  I am not her’s.  It is the way of things.  But I understand the emotional turmoil that this can create.

A slave’s greatest gift is trust.  It is not service, no matter what others may say.  Trusting that a Master understands you, and has your best interest at heart is what makes it possible to bear the difficulty of seeing a Master interact with another, and not be able to say.. “My Master”.  It is why you must choose wisely the person to whom you request the gift of Domination.  They will use you.  They will pursue their own pleasures.  And if those pursuits are not within your limits, you will be hurt.

To give of yourself completely takes strength far beyond that of command.  I’ve had this argument many a time, but I will continue to maintain that the slave needs greater strength.  Many do not understand their gift of trust and the greater strength it requires..  Not that a Master does not need strength.  They do.  We often must bring to bear patience and irresistible force to mold a stubborn slave to our will.  That is the strength of a Master.  But the strength to completely surrender, even to say “the Master I serve”, when every fiber of your being wishes to say “My Master”, is something to take into consideration, and I submit to you the notion  that it takes greater strength.

A strong Master will always follow their desire. You who are slaves will always be property.  It is the way of our calling.  These are our sacred roles.  But in this, there is great stirring of emotion, great bridging of need and desire, and in that connection a pure and unfettered connection emerges.  What more can I say?  If you have felt it, you know of what I speak.  It is a wondrous thing, this thing we do. Carpe Diem my friends, Go be someone’s great day!

X, Xtac, MasterX

What is in a name?  A rose by any other name, eh?   I am most often introduced as Xtac.. pronounce ecstasy, or just X.  People tend to just call me X.   I am good with that.

There are a few however who would never call me X.  They would view this as inappropriate for the relation we have, or they might view it as disrespectful of the years I have been a Master and the position of respect I hold in the community.

These people always refer to me as MasterX.  It always stimulates a warm bond between me and the people that honor me in this way.  I get this from some fellow Masters as well as slaves.  It is not a title of subservience to me, but rather an honorific of recognition.

The only titles of value are those acquired thru recognition by others. One claims that title by exercising that recognition, not asserting it. ~Xtac Quote

I would never ask someone to call me MasterX.  I might suggest that if they find me worthy, they might honor me by calling me MasterX, but I always leave that as an open invitation, never as a request.  I like that there are some who are quick to pick up on the invitation, and honor me at every turn.

This refusal to make it a request though, sometimes leads to odd moments, where I am craving to hear that honor from a person.  I wonder what about me doesn’t deserve the honor this title recognizes.  Pestering a person to honor me is as bad as demanding the honor.  So I am slow to make the invite, and I am loath to remind.

This is in sharp contrast to the brash young Dominants who quickly announce that they are a Master.  I like that contrast.  It sets me apart I think.

I understand those that announce that they are a Master up front.  They have no patience, no desire to see who steps up to recognize what they see in themselves.  They see themselves in this role, and that is that.

Well, that or they have not been around someone like myself who might introduce them to the deeper question of the value in such a title.  A Master is made by the contribution they give to the community, by the experience they bring to the table, by the easy intimidating power they exude when you are in their presence.

This is the better way, I think.  There are some who are such casual acquaintances, that calling me MasterX would feel awkward.  The title would loose the depth of its meaning. Yes, this is definitely the better way.

Occasionally I may find it annoying that someone does not address me as MasterX, but it does give me material on which to reflect.  It is more work to do this reflection, this waiting, but for a Dominant every bit of information about your interaction is important.

For those who might be shy or hesitant about asking for the honor of using this term, of referring to me as MasterX, I understand this as well.   All I can say to those who feel this uneasiness is that breaking through that fear is important part of bringing our relation to a new level.  It means that the value of adding that honorific is not lost on you.. and that is exactly the reason why I do what I do.  Because when  you reveal this title has meaning for you, then it has meaning for both of us.

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s geat day!

Discussion with another generation

My mother is in her seventies, closer to eighties really, and as with any generation difference we have different values and ways of looking at things.  That’s something important to remember when I’m dealing with my daughter.. but I digress…

I’d like to share a recent conversation we had regarding BDSM, because it had me thinking.

Mom said something along the lines of.. “at least BDSM isn’t domestic abuse.”  Now I am a thinking person and I have researched the signs of domestic abuse and oddly there are some similarities in the behaviors of a TPE Master and a domestic abuser.  Those are hard words to hear, but true.  I’ll leave validation of that to another blog, but you need only google for signs of domestic abuse, and things like “controlling behavior” jump off the page at you.

So, being the thinking person I am, I replied “Oddly, there are similar behaviors between BDSM and domestic abuse, but the key difference is that one is governed by consent and the other by fear.”.   Pretty clear difference, I thought.

And she replied: “Oh, don’t tell me that!  I don’t want to get muddled up.  I have it in my head that this is OK, and I don’t want any confusion to set in.”  Well, I thought I could talk my way out of this one.  I could explain that how we often have problems with people not understanding, like when there are bruises.  Of course the bruises comment made it worse.

She flatly stated, “No one should ever want to be hurt.  There is something wrong with you if you want to be hurt.  I don’t know if its low self-esteem, or if its some other mental problem, but I simply cannot understand or even accept that wanting to be hurt can be normal.”

There it was again.  The invisible elephant in the room.  The age old question of BDSM.. How can you love someone, AND want to hurt them?   How can a person want a good beating?  How can this be healthy?

I asked.  “You know about runners. how they can push themselves past a healthy limit, and endure the pain for the pleasure that came of it?”   She accepted this, understood it.  I turned the conversation to EDSO. .which is the easy way of remembering endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, Oxytocin.  I explained: “Endorphins mask the runners pain, but Dopamine kicks in and gives a chemical high which is very addictive.  What a Masochist is doing is getting high from chemicals you don’t have to buy or swallow.  They are getting a high which can be very addictive, just from what they do, much like a runner.  Its a Dopamine addiction”  That seemed to placate her for now.

All was right again.  The translucent elephant in the room turned invisible again, but I could hear him rummaging around the room, knocking over stuff… wish he’d keep still!

Its an age old question, and one we sometimes change for.  Sadists who fall in love sometimes become less sadistic.   Sometimes a Master becomes less of a property owner over time.  People become more “proper” sometimes after marriage.  We feel these pressures from outside our relation, the push to be “normal” and just stop all this controlling, abusive, violent behavior.. to put it in their terms…

And yet, I and my slave could not be happier.  We don’t fight.  She purrs at my feet.  I glow watching her move about in her slave roles.  Simple pleasure fill our days.  The contrast between the view of a controlling, abusive, violent person, and a loving dominant and sadist is quite shocking.  Perspective and experience really is everything.  There it is again in the 50 shades movie.. the notion that somehow there is something basically wrong-just one reason to hate on the movie and book.. and yet no one can deny the sense of excitement, the guilty pleasure in it.

I have long come to grips with who and what I am.  There is no turning back.  I simply can not live a vanilla life.  But occasionally, I do get twinges when challenged to explain my life.  Only one thing bothered me in our conversation.  IS the desire to be controlled, or to be controlling a sign of some past unresolved mental health issue?   IS it possible that a desire to Dominate, or submit will fade if this issue is resolved?   I sense no unresolved issue in myself.

I was speaking with my lawyer today and he asked me if I get my confidence from being the oldest of my siblings.  I grinned.  “No, I said, I think it comes from my management experience.  From my many dealings with people and directing them.”  That covered just enough of the truth I thought.

In after thought, I truly have become very comfortable in my skin, being both an owner of people.. or person rather.. and a sadist.  But the age old question can and will raise its head from time to time.  Some of us have learned who we are,  have come to realize we will always be this way, and know this is our orientation not a lifestyle. For those of us that have crossed that bridge and burned it, we must now build a new bridge of understanding.. We need that so others can see across, and perhaps cross over too.

I hear that elephant stomping about still.. ah well.. the next generation may better understand and accept.. Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day.. you kinky fuckers, you!

THE one twue way..

Media alert! Some people STTLL have not gotten the message (gasp!). There in not one true way to practice BDSM (double gasp!).

Our righteous indignation must roll forth at EVERY opportunity mocking these morons for clinging to their “One twue way”. There can be only one true way.. and that is our way…the way of embracing every possible way of expressing your kink in every sentence!

We must cleanse every forum and workshop of the foul smell of these people. Hate, mocking and belittling those who are outspoken is the only one true way my friends!

The only persons truly qualified to speak in forums or workshops are those that can speak freely about their experience of being both monogamous and poly, while also being both a Master and a slave! Of being like everyone else. Oh..and less you think I too am one of these defilers.. they must also be speak for every other self identity and kink as well… from experience.

Defilers must be struck down immediately with a venomous blast of holy righteous indignation at their audacity to present a unique perspective as important! How dare anyone speak in a strong voice if it doesn’t speak for everyone? Down with these free speech lovers! How dare they peddle their smut in public!

In an odd way, we haters of this narrow kind of speech are the real one true way. When we hate and despise and belittle people with a passionate, narrow interests, we have God/Justice/logic (take your pick) on our side! We must strike a blow at these unique life experiences with fear and hatred! Such narrow experiences will surely create narrow minds! It is their narrow minds, not ours, that must not be free to speak. THAT my friends is the true freedom we must all fight for!

And now a word from the author – Hating and belittling the most outspoken among us is in its own funny way, a form of narrow minded stupidity.  I hate the term “One twue way”.  I dislike people that use it mockingly.  Talking about it doesn’t take me higher, it takes me lower..I am out.. I’ve had enough on this crap..   Carpe Diem my friends.. go respect some diversity, even if it is unique. 

The person who refuses to embrace a common view, preserves diversity and for that reason alone, deserves respect. ~ Xtac quote

Only by respecting free speech from unique points of view, can we encourage diversity.  Diversity by definition is comprised of the unique.~ Xtac quote

The only posts and workshops I truly like are given by people who are UN-apologetically passionate about what they do.. and their way of doing it.  These are real individuals.. and they have something that I can learn.  These people are the back bone of real diversity.  ~ Xtac quote

Fucking Snow.. again

Ha… funny title… One of my best friends goes by the name Sno…and is female, and hot, but no I am not talking about fucking someone name Snow.. not even talking about fucking in the snow…

What I am talking about is that I will drive in shit most people would not even consider.  You know why a snow storm is like a man?  You never know how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.. but this storm is expected to drop 12 to 24 inches (30 to 60 cm) .  At six inches or 15 cm, my car starts to act like a snow plow.  We could get four times that.   If this storm hits the max estimate, that freaking white power is coming over the grill… IF I drive in it.

And you know what happens when the weatherman predicts this kind of shit?  I’ll tell you.. I get tested.  My trust and belief in my slave is tested because she fucking stays at the ranch. God damn it.  I hate to sound like I don’t trust her, or I can’t live without her but I am deeply and passionately pissed.   How dare the weather God’s interfere with the continuing saga of living with X?

So I’ll shovel some snow, and then some more, and then probably some more..  You want to clear everything after some accumulation, or the shovel gets too heavy and then you are basically screwed.  yeah.. I am not using power tools for this job.  Sigh..  back breaking work, no slave, and she is all snug at the ranch and probably liquored up.  Grrrrrr.  NOT HAPPY!  If I Carpe something today. its not going to be the fucking day..  sigh.. rant over.  Ok  making the best of it.. yeah.. what can you do?    No sense in being in a foul mood.. maybe I’ll make snow angels before I shovel this white poop..   I miss my slave.. Fucking Snow!


SAM I am.. and mind reading

My slave is a SAM.. a Smart Ass Masochist and I am a mind reader.   You might put a bell on a cat’s collar so you can hear the cat coming.  I might need to put a sign around Izrina’s neck  that says.. “SAM I am”..   Or make her write it a hundred times.

So tonight we ate healthy.  Salad with a bouquet of wonderful flavors. black and green olives, cucumber and cherry tomatoes, shredded cheddar and bacon.  Yeah.. it was delicious.  My plate was brought to me, served in high protocol style, she knelt and presented the plate, balanced in one hand with a smile.  I grinned.. I like to make her hold that pose.. and then instead of reaching for the plate I like to pull her forward, give her a light kiss on the forehead and reward her with a good girl.  Meanwhile the plate remains carefully balanced beneath us both.. then I lean back and take it from her.

A little while later it was desert.  A small bowl of chocolate ice cream, covered in chocolate and butterscotch syrup, with a generous helping of whipped cream on top.  Izrina brought this too in proper fashion, kneeling to present it.  I was suddenly struck with appreciation for my property.. and when I feel this I often ask her:  What are you doing?  To which she replies:  Serving you.   And then I speak briefly about happiness.. about how she must always seek her happiness in this role, in serving me.

And as I leaned in for this exchange, that peculiar mind reading power kicked in.  Before leaning over the bowl covered in whipped cream, THIS time I took the bowl from her first.   Then leaned in…  and she grinned broadly..  and I knew I had read her thoughts correctly. and said so.  I know what you were thinking, my pet, I said.

There was a time when I would surprise her with this ability but not so much any more.  Anyway.  we avoided Master getting a face full of whipped cream, and having to spend time finding an appropriate punishment that didn’t involve rewarding this little masochist with some pain.

You don’t punish a SAM with pain.. it has to be something much more insidious.  Desert was delicious..  and the rest of the evening was just another wonderful day, living with X.  Just two little peas in our pod, living an incredible yet simple life. Carped Diem my friends… Go be someones great day!