Wish granted – The toy bag of X

Yes Virgina, there is a Santa Claus… I mean, wishes do come true.  This is the first of many wishes to be granted, no doubt:

So on a lighter subject kit would like to know what’s in that toy box of yours. Curiosity kills the cat, but cat has nine lives so what the hell.- nutty Kitten

Damn!  This one is going to be a long one.  Buckle up boys and girls or gurlz and boyz, cause here we go.

THE SHORT ANSWER  – To give the short answer, my toy bag consists of a very heavy duffle bag size roller filled with small cases and bags.  My OCD insisted I organize everything into groups so that I can pull out just the bag, case or cases I decide upon for a scene.  I’ve been wanting to do something like a fishing tacke box only HUGE and make it so that it opens into a table so I have a place for my fire supplies but I haven’t gotten there yet.  So the short answer is a list of the bags in the main bag.  In no particular order, here goes.

Fire Case – A complete set of fire play toys in a teen-weenie package
Fire Demo Case – All the goodies to make fire wands as part of a demo
Freddy Fingers – a case of extra special knives
Hardware purse – A tiny heavy container full of metal hardware and nipple clips
Impact bag – A wondrous set of lovely things that sting and thunk.
Restraint bag
– All kinds of goodies to get the restraint going fast
Rope cutters 
– I pray I never need these but they are ready for an emergency
Rope Pack – A custom mat that holds various rope for bondage and suspension
Spare Alcohol – Don’t leave home without it…I owe a bottle to FMB
Spare Candles – For those nights when you just gotta go long with the fire
Travel roll – Everything you could ever want in one small package
Violet Case
– A complete set of electrical goodies for the violet sadist.

Who would believe I could pack all that into one bag?  I would.. that fucker is HEAVY.  You know, as soon as I typed “in no particular order” OCD would kick in.  Did any one beside my slave notice the list was alphabetized?  Izrina would catch that right away.. she watches for it now.

THE LONG ANSWER  Ok, now that we can chalk one up for how my OCD lead to these mad organizational skills, let’s take a  deeper dive into my toy bag.  I am not getting everything out to make sure I don’t miss anything.  I am fairly sure I can do 90% of this from memory.

HERE’S WHAT’S IN THE SMALLER BAGS  –  You may want to stop reading now before you fall asleep!

Fire Case – A complete set of fire play toys in a teen-weenie package.  This is made from a black plastic pistol case.  Inside is a metal thermos bottle with a screw cap that has been converted to hold a candle.  Next to the thermos are my wands, and a liqueur flask that holds Bacardi 150 for spraying fire.. with my mouth or from a sprayer.  A plastic bag holds a lighter, candles and other mini goodies.  When I use this, I open the two halves, and place the cap on one side and the bottle on the other.  I place a candle in the cap and that becomes my fire source.  The bottle of course is my fuel source.  I also keep a cotton twin mattress cover in the bigger bag to protect whatever I am playing on.. a massage table or a regular table.  If I am mixing fire with Violet, I’ll need that bag.  If I am doing fire flogging, that is in the Impact bag.  If I want to use fire with Knives, I have a fire knife I created, in the impact bag.. hey I the knife case is too small to put it in.

Fire Demo Case – All the goodies to make fire wands as part of a demo.  This is a small white plastic case.  Not sure when I acquired it. In it are fondue forks and skewers, along with cotton balls, cotton wrap, and cotton finger tubing.  There is some fine wire, and extra candles that didn’t fit in the Fire case.  I think there is a multipurpose tool in there to for cutting cotton and wire.  With this, I can do a quick demo on making your own fire wands.

Freddy Fingers – a case of extra special knives  This is a long, narrow, black plastic case that started its life as a sears tool holder. Now, when you crack open this baby the most scary toys appear.  Three fully articulated knuckle sheaths, that slip over your fingers, and have areas to attach artificial tendons that stretch over the back or your hands to a leather wrist strap, specifically designed to make the whole thing work. When you wear these baby’s its a very organic feel, the knives that now extend from your finger tips become very much a part of you, and the tendons that tighten as you flex complete the sense of it.  This is all custom work, by yours truly.  Also in this case is a totally unique folding knife with TWO blades that swing up to form a “V” shape that is just lovely for tracing and trapping nipples.  Also included are extra “tendons” in case one snaps.  The case has depressed areas for everything covered in black velvet.

Hardware purse – A tiny heavy container full of metal hardware in nipple clips.  So tiny but oh so heavy, on the outside are various nipple clamps and inside some of the heavier metal items.  A pair of clover nipple clamps with a connecting chain.. and when the hell did these start being called clover?  I thought it was Clovis?  Any way, that plus four all purpose quick release snaps and some chop stick style nipple clamps, and a couple of weird clamps I bought just because they looked cool.  Mostly I use the chop sticks and the quick clamps.

Impact bag – A wondrous set of lovely things that sting and thunk.  Oh baby..never leave hope without this one.. unless you are taking the travel kit.  Let’s see… of course sting and thunk are in there.  I’ve described these before.  Two floggers.. My big fat elk skin thunker and a thin hard stinger.  The there is a case within this case for my para-cord single tail.  There is a black latex thing that looks like a dildo at one end and flat stinging mother fucker at the other.. Just about no masochist likes this one but on the plus side you can boil it to disinfect it.  A simply brutal black jack.. so fucking heavy I’m afraid of cracking bone with it, and a small flail of braided leather that not only stings but when the tiny braided flails go across skin leaves abrasions which are quite lovely for creating color in my art work.  As my fire flogger, which simply hasn’t seen enough action.    Oh.. and my beloved quirt.. No evening is complete without marking my slave with the quirt..

Impact bag knives – Since there wasn’t enough room in the velvet knife case, three more knife things found their way into the impact bag.  One is my beloved gutting knife.  Such elegant beauty, the curved shape is just sinister looking.  Another item in here is a knife sharpening stone.. quite heavy but necessary for the sound and the sick shit you can do with it.  The other is a knife that started its life as a cheese knife with lots of perforations in the blade.  I took advantage of the knifes perforations to braid cotton material in the top of it. Playing with a knife that is on fire is extremely risky business.  You have to press it to your own skin frequently to make sure you are not going to brand someone.  That metal gets fucking hot!  Because the braiding is on the top of the knife and heat travels up, I can get quite a few minutes of knife play with a knife that is on fire… lots of fun of boys and girls.. Fire sluts be warned.. this one just might make you cum!  Oh I know the spots that’ll do it too!

Restraint bag – All kinds of goodies to get the restraint going fast.  If you need to get into a scene fast, this plus the hardware bag is all you need to get going.  Two leather wrist cuffs and two ankle cuffs to get started.  I also have in here a custom made instant Saint Andrews cross… Its too much to explain here, but this turns any door into an instant cross.  Let’s see, also some industrial velco rated for 200 pounds.  I saved the best for last..another X custom item.  I have a rope wrist cuff which consists of two rings and about an arms length of extra rope.  This little beauty combines the joy and sensation of rope over skin, the long slow process of touching and tightening, with instant anchor points that can be snapped into place.. so you start off slow and then bang.. you are into a scene.

Rope cutters  – I pray I never need these but they are ready for an emergency.  Most dungeons have EMT scissors at the ready.  I keep a scuba divers cable cutters with me.  Or something like them. mine folds for safe storage.  A scuba divers cable cutters will do the same work of EMT scissors except it cuts bigger cord and much quicker.  You hook the cutter over something and a large handle give you the grip to give it a firm tug.  It works a bit like a gutting knife, but without the danger of cutting someone.

Rope Pack – A custom mat that holds various rope for bondage and suspension.  This is a what?.. plastic?  vinyl?  mat.  It started its life as a table cover but with some glue and Velcro, now I lay it down, give a few pulls and all my rope is neatly laid about in front of me.  I only have two kinds.. nylon and hemp.  I only have three colors after my three favorite chakras…. red.. of course, plus green and purple.  Most of the lengths are thirty feet ( about 10 meters).  I have enough rope to do a nice suspension scene of maybe a little experimenting with foot bondage or rope art.  I am more into floggers though and don’t usually do a rope.. unless maybe I was going to do some fucking while suspended.. now THAT would be fun.

Spare Alcohol – Don’t leave home without it…I owe a bottle to FMB.  I keep forgetting to restock the bag.. Izrina.. don’t let me forget before our next trip to FMB.  We need at LEAST two bottles.. One of us and one for FMB.

Spare Candles – For those nights when you just gotta go long with the fire.  I have a candle for wax play that melts at a lower temp and a few menorah candles that fit into the Fire source cap.  One candle usually get me through a night but there are extras in the fire demo case if I really need them.  More often though, I am begging for a lighter cause mine got finicky.

Travel roll – Everything you could ever want in one small package. Now this baby will require some explanation.  Ever seen one of those travel toiletry cases?  Now think of the handiness of that created for BDSM.  The roll started with two military what.. belts maybe.. that I added snap rivets to so they joined together.  This creates series of pockets in a roll about as long as your arm.  When the whole thing is rolled up, a length of green rope goes around it many times to hold it closed.  When you unroll it,  first, you have about thirty feet of rope to play with.  In front of you, neatly arranged in rows are:

  • A gorgeous red dragons tail.. very loud
  • A wonderful dual leather strap with wooden handle – also loud
  • A small rubber flail flogger
  • A devils stick.. innocent looking and one of my worse toys
  • A multi-color, ten blade wartenberg wheel
  • A blindfold
  • A two sided dagger with forked end for playing with nipples

Basically, this kit as everything you need to start a scene, anywhere, anytime with a wide set of choices where  you want to go, and its about the size of a medium purse.

Violet Case – Last but not least.  The violet case.. Its made from a very small aluminum tool case, but there is so much inside.  First a solid state violet wand, of course.  Also a ten foot extension to get to an outlet no matter how the place is laid out.  An outlet tester, to make sure the outlet is properly grounded.  You’d be amazed at how many businesses and homes are not.  Now for the fun stuff.  I have a custom wartenberg wheel that is designed to make and break the connection as it rolls.  A number of glass attachments in all kinds of shapes though my favorite is shaped like a spoon.. because I can use the flat side for lots of contact or the tip for making the spark jump.  There is one like a comb and other oddities in there.  Also some metal finger tips.  But now we come to my favorite.. a plate that is slightly curved for creating a body probe.  When stuck in a garter or strapped to a thigh, it makes it possible for the whole body of your subject to become a toy.  I combine this with fire, or knives for added fun.  With fire, nothing happens while you hold the wooden handle of the fire wand, but touch the metal and boom.. spark.  Its fun with the freddy fingers or other knives because it makes the knife feel like it is cutting even when it is not..

Not mentioned earlier.. I keep two items on top of the big case.  One is a switch with a nice size leather strip.  The other is a riding crop.  Both can be used to create pain from zero to one hundred.  The riding crop is essentially a rod, not terribly different with what it can do from a cane.

Well.. that’s most of it… I probably left some out.. but that covers the main stuff.

Wish list

Is there a subject you wish MasterX might pontificate upon?  Not saying its going to happen but what the hell.   I’ve been around quite a while and see quite a bit, and I do give a lot of thought to the Master and slave condition.

Now that I am reaching some upper years, having an age difference is no longer fantasy, its more of a reality.   There are a few other areas that make relating interesting or out of my reach.. but what the hell.  Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Throw your subjects as comments here.  Ideally, pose your subjects as a question or two.   If you are a blogger too, feel free to cherry pick ideas from here for your own blog.  This page is as much about sharing inspiration as it is about answers.

When a Master is a slave

No, I am not talking about the infamous “topping from the bottom”, or switching, or anything along those lines.  No, MasterX has not lost his keen need to Dominate either.. that won’t happen in this lifetime, you can be sure.  Just bear with me, I think you will like this.

I was busy, but after I wrapped up what I was doing I went looking for Izrina.  I found her soaking in a warm bath with her beloved Sudoku puzzles and a pen.. yeah she does them in pen.   She had not washed her hair yet and still smelled of horses.. which is a perfume I don’t care for so I kept my distance and admired her from the door.  She looked up, curious if I needed her, curious if I had something for her to do.  There was that familiar feeling again, this love I have for she who is my canvas.  I turned and as I walked away was struck with a thought…

I am loathe to ever say that another person can make me anything.  I will make me.. period!  I have been down the road of being needy and I’ll never go there again.  I have sworn off on being a person who takes from a relationship, who NEEDS a specific person to complete me.  As I thought this, I felt a sense of hypocrisy rising up inside.

It is painful to write and even more to say, but a heart may be chained to another, in such a way that you feel compelled to do anything for that person.  I know that you slaves out there understand that, and the great Masters who understand the slave heart get that…but what about when a Master comes to love their slave so much that it feels as if it tears at the fabric of your dynamic?

What about the Master who’s heart feels compelled to do anything they can for their slave?  I don’t know if I am saying this clearly.  Even now I am dancing around putting myself in this equation.  If I would do anything for my slave, does that mean my love for her has enslaved me?  The words are like poison to me, and yet I know the answers.  I know the words that form a ladder, a ladder  I can use to climb back out of this hole I am digging.

I alluded to this in an other blog..Dom’s Don’t Cry…We know that in Ds break ups that the pain works both ways – but when a Master is abandoned,  they cannot beg and crawl and ask the slave to take them back.  Slaves do not take owners.  Owners take slaves.  We need to always be strong.

But I also often say that BDSM is place for the heart like no other.   There are no walls, no boundaries and two can truly become one.  We can not hope to feel the joy of the highest peaks if we are not willing to risk it all.  So we come to this again, the giving with complete abandon, our hearts.  A great Dominant is not cold and uncaring, quite the opposite.  But we also will not wear our hearts on our sleeves.  It is not our way.

It’s an odd thing, this need to carry burdens large and small, to shove down our pain, to be completely there for another.. wait.. was I talking about slaves or Master’s there?  Did you know?  If not, THAT is my point.

Masters and slave are not so very different in our desire to serve. It is in the control really, where we differ.  A Master can be a slave to his or her heart and not break the dynamic.  A Master who does not let love change who they are, but instead preserves their sacred role in this dance of power exchange, is no slave.

No, a Master need not become a slave if they are clear on who and what they are.  The Master who stays true to their sacred role and serves the needs of the one who serves, is still the Master.  I suppose this might work both ways, when a slave sees a Master in need of direction.. but I digress.

We share so much in common, Masters and slaves.  When it works the fear of losing all this joy is scary.  But you can’t let fear dictate your life.  Not when there is a bouncy little slave who will hop from the tub at your beck and call, all wet and warm at the snap of your fingers… What was I complaining about again?  I forget..   (on purpose)

Carpe Diem my friends.  You know the rest..

Silence.. from a Dom???

Imagine…  Alone at night in on a moonlit path through the woods.  Tree branches like skeletal hands grasp at you.  An unseen twig cracks under foot and the sound shatters the silence.  The light and safety of the cabin just ahead is an eternity away. A man approaches from no where.  He has no smile, no warmth… just a cold stare and silence.

What is it about silence that intimidates so?   I have long thought about how silence with my slave is both a blessing and a curse.

If you really are a Dominant then you desire to be MORE involved when there are issues.  But by the same token when a slave knows that misbehavior will lead to more involvement, you are encouraging bad behavior to GET that involvement.

You can hardly blame a slave who feels neglected, when they start acting up to get the interaction they crave.. even though they know it is topping from the bottom and that knowledge alone takes away some of the joy of any interaction.

I hope your mind is leaping ahead to all of the traps and pitfalls that can come from silence from a Dom…or from reacting to misbehavior with greater involvement.


The answers are not as easy as providing lots of interaction when it is not desired, and backing off interaction when there is misbehavior.. though that isn’t a bad approach.  But backing off a problem runs counter to the desires and needs of one who desires to Dominate.  We want to be more involved with a problem, not less.

Back in the year 2010 I think it was, I tried pulling back communication with a disobedient submissive I was mentoring… Bad experience.  I determined at that point two things.. you HAVE to be able to get face to face and personal.   Also, you HAVE to get more involved with issues.. but then there is the problem of that being used against you …. topping from the bottom.  The first rule appears to be a constant.  The second however has variables.

Like the silent man approaching in the woods, the dark dominant who is silent but in your face is VERY intimidating.. especially when you know what kind of behavioral correction they can bring to bear.  The dark dominant who is miles away and silent is a fear that has no teeth, a punishment that can be ignored.

Generally speaking, if you are trying to keep a Ds relation alive with online, or phone experiences, I would say that you are going to be disappointed to some degree. There are good reasons and bad reasons why this situation might arise.  One good reason can be when a job takes us away from those we love.  The bad reasons are cheating.  I won’t go into the cheating side.. if you want words of wisdom on that read some of Viles blogs.  He’s set you straight.

Regarding the good reasons though, there are going to be lapses that are not dealt with, and things that go unaddressed, and that is bad.  I am not saying you can’t do it.. you can.. but I highly recommend if you do this, that you have video conferences frequently, and have regular timed text check ins.


Now when you LIVE in a Ds relation, then the question of withdrawing becomes interesting.    What will you do?   Go to another room?  Go for a walk?   Why would you as a  Master?  If someone needs some air, wouldn’t it be better to have your slave go get some?   It depends.   If you are going to apply a cane when one of you gets back, the decision about who takes the walk is a question of which will make the experience more memorable and lasting?

Hmmmm maybe your slave takes a walk, WITH the cane, and must bring it back to you?  Depends.  You need to understand your slave.  Perhaps you put her in worship position, in front of a web cam, holding the cane, while you take a walk of undetermined length..  You just need to know the mind of your slave.

Silence is ONLY effective when it is coupled with face to face interaction.  To really bring your full bag of Dominant tools to the table, you have to bring it face to face.  If for what ever reason you are not able to interact in a face to face way, I would propose that you never withdraw… and if you increase your attention when there is an issue.  If a remote relation does not responded to your demands for increased time and interaction, you should consider the possibility of ending the relation.  Also consider using video conferencing to verify your punishments are carried out, and allow no lapse.

A slave in a 24×7 can be a crazy, needy, demanding experience in the sense that they crave interaction with you.  How much more then must you step up if you can’t do it face to face?   Taking on a remote relation can be quite burdensome.  It’s why I rarely do it.  Oh.. on occasion, but not very often.

Carpe Diem my friends..  go be someone’s great day.. in person!

Tantra Meditation

In a meditative state, when I touch the purple chakra, I am outside looking back into myself. There are at least two of me. The observed and the observer. Its a very good place. I can now touch this place anytime and get quite high, no drugs or alcohol required.  What a wonder talent..I love it.  And very useful I might add when you are trapped in boring functions for long periods of time!

Some evenings, Izrina and I get together with good friends, we eat and talk and then we gather in a living room to meditate together.  With good food in bellies that are not too full, I lead us into a tantra meditation.

This involves two people paired for the event.  One will be the male and one will be the female.  Your actual gender doesn’t matter.  What matters is that you take on either male of female energy.  The one to be female, sits cowgirl style on the one to be male, facing each other.

We start with lighting up the red chakra, that warm, red, sexual energy that floods through us with neediness.  Often you sense a throbbing in your genitals as this lights up.

We draw the red energy up through the chakras, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple.   We often stop at the heart, or the third eye, simply to enjoy the energy and flow from these places.

We then open the crown and bring down the golden light, the white energy, full of compassion and forgiving.  We let these energies, opposite ends of love, agape and eros, mingle in our hearts bringing balance, and then direct that energy out in visualization of protective walls that surround us.. From this safe place, we decouple from our physical being and then begin a spiritual copulation.

The male brings red energy together into a phallus and thrusts it into his partner.  The female receives the phallus, surrounds it, and squeezes that energy back to the male.  So begins the exchange of energy, back and forth, each to their own kind.   Oddly, the sensation can feel just as good as physical sex, even clothed.  I and others have  experienced wonderful orgasms from this seemingly impossible exchange.

After one particular tantra session, a woman who paired with a woman said… I had a penis…  I didn’t like it…  Yes.. the experience can be quite real.

The greatest gift of this experience is that it also opens our experience to the realization that reality is many ways an illusion.  I like to think there are two paths to enlightenment.. to give up desire, and to burn out desire. I tried the first.  I prefer the latter.

Now an interesting side effect of my meditation with Izrina is the extended level of control I have over her.  I can make her orgasm with just a touch.  I have demonstrated this in dungeons… a few minutes of breathing, a charge of the chakras,  white energy touches red, and she comes quite suddenly. She doesn’t like it when I take the shortcut to her pleasure.  She says that’s “cheating”.  I say the power is too delicious to not use once in a while.  I have also used this power to exercise nightmares that plagued her for years.

The world of Master and slave is big and filled with realities others often can’t imagine could be real.  Its only by testing the water, then diving in, that can you hope to know from experience the possibilities.  It’s worth the effort though. It truly is.

Carpe Diem my friends, be someone’s great day!

The dance, as a Master

There is a fine dance that we as Master’s do, that is exciting for both Master and slave alike.

Like a waltz or the tango, we lead our charge in a sexy way, back and forth across the floor, this way and that, our slaves ever bowing to the subtle hints of what we desire their bodies to perform.

Like watching two lovers dance, the exchange of a Master and slave unfolds in front of you in ways that is smoking hot when you know just what is happening.

We enter a room, our slaves attendant to our needs, born of a desire  from deep inside to please the one they serve, and we know this.  We also know there is a terrible fear of displeasing us and so these subtle intimacies present themselves as opportunities to come together and dance as Master and slave.

It is our pleasure to be unpredictable in some ways, keeping our slaves guessing if this will please or displease and in that moment of uncertainty when a slave does not know, THAT is the moment when a Master feels most Dominant.

Surely if you have done this for very long, you have felt that moment, where the slow panic of a possible blunder passes across the slave.  The slave experiences the creeping fear, the dawning that the Master may have been misunderstood and somehow once again you fucked up and displeased the one you want so desperately to please.  In that moment the Dominant reveals the dance with a gentle hint that swings emotions from one direction to another, a spin not unlike one on a floor, a flourish that reveals just how deeply you are understood, how deeply the control goes.  It is in these moments a slave knows they have chose wisely who they wish to serve.  The joy in these moments work both ways.

We as Dominants live for these moments when we can demonstrate that we know our slave almost as well as you know yourself.  When we can pull feelings up from deep inside you and make you feel our control on a level that others barely touch.  We live to serve your submission back to you so that you taste the consent and power you have given like succulent fruit, dripping from your chin.  It is hot and sexy.. a dance like no other, a dance of words and emotions.  I’ve said this before and I say it now, BDSM is a home for the heart like no other.  If entered into with honor and commitment to our sacred roles, there are no boxes that keep us apart.  Two truly become one.

Carpe Diem my friends..  if you have found the one to serve, or even if you have not found the one yet, be someone’s great day!

Cup is half full

You cannot live on this earth for very long and not hear someone pose the question:  Is the cup half full or half empty?

It annoys me, this smug little bit of supposed philosophical inquiry.  Let me share with you what Master X does with those who choose to toy with me this way.  My response to this question is a question of my own:  Am I drinking from this cup or pouring into it?

You see, the cup is nothing until we interact with it.  Life is a series of interactions, people brought together by seemingly random events.  But nothing is random.  The red light you run puts you 60 seconds ahead on your schedule and places you one mile up the highway, where you might miss or be part of an multi-car accident.  Each decision takes us to the next, a series of domino, falling to the stored potential of gravity, triggered by the momentum of the last fall.

If I am drinking from the cup it is half empty.  I created this condition.  If I am pouring into it my cup is half full.  It is in that moment a statement of my interaction with it.

I don’t believe in empty cups.  There is no such thing.  My cup is always full, be it full of air or full of liquid, my cup runneth over.  I am ever thankful that I can be a vessel for all the love I can bear.  I am a conduit through which all possibilities can flow, I am tied to the infinite, as we all are.  It is just that some of us don’t see it as clearly as others.

In BDSM, I express my need to share this discovery, to know that in a very real way I have made at least one life better, I have passed on the secrets that have been revealed to me.  It pains me that more are not happy, more are not free from their self imposed chains.  We want so much.. a significant other, money, job, a home, children.. we want and we want.

We seek to fill our cups, but the cup was already full.  We displace that which was already there with the things we put into our cups.  Life is a mystery and it is not.  It is as simple as just living it, and it is not that simple.

When pursuing the mysteries of life; seeking higher truths, remember that every real truth is a paradox. This is why, the smarter we get, the less we know. ~Xtac Quote

There are no empty cups.  Cups are neither half full nor half empty.  Cups are an expression of our interaction with the world around us.  The trick to life is to learn to drink deeply from a cup full of air.  Master that my friends, and you have the world by the balls.

Carpe Diem.. Drink deeply..

The lover and the beloved

A young gentleman who reads this blog, wrote to me privately.  There is a young lady he would like to develop a closer, more personal relationship with.  There was a gentleman who had similar feelings and designs on a young lady who is a friend of my daughter’s. In my youth, I found myself in this situation numerous times.  Oddly, this problem no longer reaches me.

On a number of occasions throughout my life, I took a fancy to wild, care-free, beautiful women that I wanted for myself.  It seemed to me that the deep desire and passion that I had for these women was in itself something that should be, if not returned, at the very least valued.  When you hold unrequited love close to your heart, you wonder why the object of your affect does not appreciate all the love you could pour out upon them, if they only invited your love into their life.  You wonder:  Doesn’t all this love I have for them have value?   Sadly, the answer is no.

Loving someone who does not love you back is the sound of one hand clapping.  Unrequited love is extremely painful and it leads to jealousy.  It is the ultimate rose,  blossoming among thorns.  A beauty that tears at your heart, begging for understanding.  What would my older self say to my younger self, to help me understand?   The dawning of understanding came when I first read this passage from “The ballad of the Sad Cafe”:.

“First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world — a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring — this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else — but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.

I came to realize that there is in every great love, two parties: The lover and the beloved.  The lover seeks his or her happiness from the beloved.  The beloved is an object, something that brings forth happiness, simply from its possession.   The lover kisses and the beloved enjoys the kiss, but does the beloved feel love in return?  Often not.  Often the beloved realizes they are just the object that the lover obsesses over, and as such they feel a stripping away of themselves, they feel used and drained, as if the lover was a vampire sucking away at their happiness.

How then do we solve this problem?  How do we love without pulling at the one we love?  The answers are both simple and yet complex.  They can be summed up in simple quotes and yet if these quotes do not fill your heart with understanding then these quotes become mere words, useless and meaningless.

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

Just remember that what you seek you will not find, but in the path of your happiness, when you are loving life the most, what you were seeking will find you. ~ Xtac Quote

These two quotes speak to me of the need to be who and what we are at all times, defining our worth by what we bring to a relationship, and not define our worth by the relationship itself. They tell me that we must take personal responsibility for our happiness.   That we must bring all the happiness we create in to a relationship, adding to and multiply the joy of another.  We must never simply take our happiness from a relationship.  We must be both lover and beloved.  You must add as much as you take, and your love is not what you add. What you add are moments of happiness that is long remembered later, laughter and life that is shared.

Have you ever noticed that when you are single, you can’t find someone to be with, but when you are with someone then suddenly you are surrounded by people who it would be nice to be with?  This happens exactly because what you seek you will not find, but in your content moments, what you were seeking finds you.

I often say that the person who is the life of the party, the one who is laughing and joking and doesn’t care if anyone likes them or not, is the one surrounded by people who want to be with them.  This person, who did not care if they had a friend in the world, has all the friends anyone could want.  The one who sits in the corner, envious of all that attention will have no friends.  No one wants to be with the brooding, needy  person in the corner.  The “life of the party” got this way because they let go, they did not cling to a desire, they made their happiness, they projected that strength, and in doing so drew others to them.

In love, I am like a mirror. This is not a simple metaphor. It has taken me years to understand how to be a good lover. A mirror lives for interaction. When engaged, it is present, totally in the moment, and when left, does not pine or cling for the next interaction. No, a mirror is, completely content to just be, and like a mirror, when a lover comes to me, I am truth reflected, need reflected. I am all that you bring: desire, passion, compassion. I am there for, and completely with you; focused on and in that moment. There is much more, but put simply, to be a good lover, I must be a mirror. ~Xtac Quote

The mirror metaphor is the absolute best guide I have come up with on how to be a good lover.  It shapes my interactions with more than a lover.  You need to be fully engaged with everyone around you, not in a speaking role but in a listening.  Like a mirror, you reflect that which is brought to you.   You need to make a full life, interacting with what ever life brings you, and you must make wonderful moments of what ever life brings you.  It is in this path of not clinging, but being fully there in the moment of each interaction, of making your joy and bringing it to each encounter, that you become the strong and desirable “life of the party”,  the one others gravitate to because you have something special to offer.

Like the delicate grip of a fencer, who must balance their swords without holding too tightly, if you would be a person who attracts what you desire most, you must let go before it can come to you.

Does that mean you will attract the one you have passion for?  Maybe not.  But if you are living a rich and full life, surrounded by happiness you have created, what does it matter if the plans you laid do not come to pass?  Don’t look further than inside you for happiness.

The universe is an amazing thing and often brings unexpected joys from unforeseen places.  Make your happiness, let go of what you think you must have, and embrace what you do have.. oddly you will find that by doing this, you will have more than you ever could have hoped for.

Attracting what you seek is not created by desire, neediness or plans.  What you desire comes to you by projecting quiet strength, confidence in yourself, humility, and appreciation for the little moments of life.  All of this is already inside you.  Remember that you are free to choose but not free to choose the outcome of your choosing. Let go of the outcome.  Love the little moments what ever they may bring.  In the pursuit of loving life, your happiness and much more will find you.

Carpe Diem my friends,  Go make a great day, by being someone’s great day.

Discipline vs Punishment

November 27th, in brutal cold that froze guns and men alike,  120,000 Chinese troops began an offensive to kill 30,000 men that were part of the United Nations troops in the Chosin reservoir area.  The year was 1950.  The country was Korea.

American solders who had fought in World war II had seen their fair share of brutal conditions.  Now they faced a seemingly hopeless battle as the Chinese sought to encircle and kill them to the last man.

If the Chinese didn’t kill these men than the cold surely would.  The cold turned gun grease to jell, receivers jammed, guns didn’t fire, batteries failed, vehicles stopped working, artillery froze, in short, the men would fight the elements and their equipment as much as they would fight the enemy.  In the battles that followed there were many acts of bravery but somehow against overwhelming odds these men would inflict crippling losses on the Chinese while retreating under heavy fire. A lesson here is that retreat and a temporary loss can be part of a larger strategy that turns the final outcome.

What makes some men run into danger when others would run away?  Why would a man stand up in the middle of a hail of bullets so that mortar rounds can get a proper bead on the enemy?  What makes a man run through a killing field to his wounded comrades and bring them to safety?

Military training certainly is part of this.  It transforms teenagers into soldiers.  Certainly there is the sense in trust between men that fight side by side.  But that training also instills in them something they may not have had before: discipline.

When you think of the word Discipline, don’t think of punishment.  Think of the athlete who does one more lap around the track even though their  body is begging to stop.  Think of smoker who fights every day the urge to smoke and yet does not.  Think of the soldiers who faced fear and death but still moved forward.  Discipline is what makes us get the job done, its what makes us get up the next day, it makes us complete the task we would rather not, and keeps us from procrastinating.

When you think of BDSM and you think of Discipline, don’t think of paddles or spanking.  Think of the boring things that are expected to be completed, the things you might not have done if were not for discipline. Discipline is what keeps excuses at bay, it ensures that every inspection goes smoothly, it means that there will be no lapse in the protocol, rules, or structure of the house.  It means the rule of your law is a constant, never wavering absolute that can be depended upon.

You know what punishment is. Punishment might be used to create discipline, but don’t think of the two as one. True, they are related, but they are very different things.

You may be punished for a lack of discipline. But if you HAVE discipline, you won’t need to be punished. What is confusing is that sometimes punishment for a lack of discipline is referred to as “being disciplined”.  If you are being “disciplined” it doesn’t mean you are punished, it means that this quality that keeps you on track is being instilled in you.  Punishment is just one way of creating disciplined people.

To keep it easy to remember, just remember the discipline of an athlete, or the discipline of a soldier.  The internal fortitude they show is discipline.  You WANT to acquire discipline.  Something to keep in mind is that we who would be Masters must discipline ourselves before we can hope to teach discipline to another. If you would be a good Master, try to eliminate procrastination, and build your self discipline.

Carpe Diem my friends.. Now show some discipline, get going, get out there, and be someone’s great day!

MY Master

One thing you will never hear Izrina say is:  My Master is awesome!  He’s just the best Master ever!  She is never going to ever say that.

It’s not that I am not amazing and awesome.. I am.  It’s just that she doesn’t use the word “my” very often.  She might say,  The Master I serve is awesome!  He’s the best Master ever!

It may sound weird, this addiction I have for words.  Understand that this is a thing that runs deeper than just playing with how we say a thing.  It cuts to the core of something she can never think.  She can not think that I am her’s.  She can not think that she has some leverage over me.  She can have no expectation of control over my wants or desires. I am not hers on any level.  Even my Domination is not hers.. it is MY gift, to her.

She is MY property.  She is there to serve and please me. If I stay late at a Dungeon as I often do, and she needs sleep because she must rise early to be at the barn, I might send her to the car to nap.  I get chatting, and I love being in the center stage, so it can become hard to leave.  I see her need for sleep though, and her need comes before what I want.  IF I can manage both her need and my wants, I will.  If you have not heard this before, these are the priorities of Ds in order

  1. The needs of the slave
  2. The needs of the Master
  3. The wants of the Master
  4. The wants of the slave

And what happens when a slave doesn’t like another slave and thinks that slave is cutting in on her territory?   Let’s examine that question, shall we?   Starting with “her territory”.  I don’t have to go any further do I?   You can see already where I would go with this.  IF there is no.. “MY Master”, then there is no “my territory”.  Izrina has jokingly said she’ll scratch the eyes out of any bitch who tries to cut in on the Master she serves, but she knows better than to say that in a serious tone.  It amuses me.. as a joke..

I have a “thing” for playing with Raven Pup.  It happened at the North East Power Exchange Competitions.   Raven and I had a wonderful scene and the scene that Izrina was promised didn’t happen.  There was drama afterward.  It wasn’t jealousy per se.   I won’t go into it but I am sure you can imagine where I stood on this.

Izrina gets it. She knows its my pleasure first.   She knows that I am “the Master she serves”..   She would never dream of saying “My Master”…. hmmmm unless her SAM side broke out and she was looking for a beating (SAM = Smart Ass Masochist).   Izrina is sisters with Raven.  We talk from time to time about how she feels about Raven in my life.   On the surface there appears to be no issues, but there is something else we must always be aware of.

A sidebar story about Izrina being a SAM:  On one evening Izrina was giving me a little lip as she sometimes does when her SAM side breaks out.  So I was all Dominant and having heard just about enough lip from her, I demanded in my most Dommly Dom voice..”Get your ass in the car now!”  So she did… she turned around bent over and just stuck her ass in the car door.  HA ha!  I am fairly sure that every time she bounced in the saddle of her horse for the next week, she went.. chuckle..ow…chuckle.. ow!  Bruises are a lovely way to remember the one you love!

When you DO find someone special and your life is freaking wonderful when you are with them, you can develop a fear of losing them.  We know that living a life in the shadow of fear is self destructive but we often do it anyway.  Fear has a way of creeping in, of convincing us that we are fools if we do not nurse fear.  Fear is the dark whisper that calls you to the shadows and you know you should not go, but you sometimes do anyway.

The idea of love being limited and a commodity to be fiercely guarded is a concept that I don’t understand. ~ Slave_Shylah

When we live without fear, when we allow ourselves to love someone more than we need them, when we act as conduits for the endless love that can pour through us…  then and only then can we an live up to this quote.  It is easier to say than to do but it is also worth fighting to achieve.  It starts with knowing that the person you are with truly loves you, that they will place no other above you, and that they are worthy of the trust you place in them.

Carpe Diem my friends.. Go be someone’s great day!