Monogamy and BDSM, part 4

In Part one I said this:  Many an experienced owner and slave play in scenes.  A scene is quite different than starting a BDSM relation, but still, a scene has a certain level of penetration.. even if it isn’t physically sexual. 

I do this.  I used to do fire: play quite a bit and was known all over the Hudson Valle area for it.  I stopped.  I had become a carnival ride, every night I had a bunch of people waiting to be next.  I was hard to fit in my slave, who very much wanted to be on the list.  So I just stopped doing it every weekend in a dungeon.

Then there is the event at the North East Power Exchange.  I did a scene with Raven Pup. The rest of this paragraph in its original form has been deleted.

Never fear, you aren’t missing much and I’ve replaced it with better content.  Before I published part four, I let Irina read it because in this deleted paragraph, I spoke of her reaction to that scene.  She asked if I could remove it.  I said I would think about it.  Then I explained that if she and I are ever going to compete in the NE power exchanges, she needs to be ready to speak not only about what works in our relation, but also when we have issues.. our dirty laundry.. because others can learn the most from our mistakes.  If others are going to learn from us, they need to hear about our problems, and how we resolved them, so they can figure out if our solutions might work for them as well.  And then she said something about me being a dark, scary, sexy Master.. This paragraph, along with a hard look at our lives and the conversation that followed, achieved the objective I was looking for.. it brought my canvas another inch closer to the slave I want her to be.  There was nothing shocking..in there.  Oh.. I did ask why she didn’t like the paragraph and she said.. it was open ended.. and I said so it either needs to be deleted or there needs to be more detail.. (grins)  the social sadist in me couldn’t resist that second option..more detail.. Her reaction was quite, hmmmm, pleasing to me.  She hasn’t read the replacement paragraph..want to take bets if she decides she was happier with the original? I return you now to our blog already in progress….

When Izrina and I met, I was a carnival ride.  Now I am not.  But I never committed to ending my scenes with others in the Dungeons.  I also hope one day to open the “House of X”.  How can you do all that, and stay monogamous?

The answer is quite clearly, you can’t on some level.  The fact that there was unhappiness about a scene, was an indication we clearly need to do a lot more talking about the future and monogamy.  Choices.  To settle and stay or go?  And questions.. are you settling?  I know Izrina.. the thought of giving me up will scare the hell out of her.  But by the same token, I don’t want her to settle for something she doesn’t want, just because she has it in her head that she wants me to be the one to Dominate her.  The question of compatibility is a problem everyone faces.

You love someone, and you want to be with them..but in the Master/slave relation you are faced with difficult decisions about compatibility.  A slave may have hard limits but in a sense, so does an Owner.  There are some things we just are not prepared to give up for the rest of our lives.  I won’t give up the S&M scenes I choose to do, and I won’t give up my dream for the House of X.  And that brings us to the question of the slaves scenes..


So.. just how OK is it to let your slave do scenes in a Dungeon?  Like some many things in life, one answer does not fit all situations.

Loaned for oral service or other sex – This is my personal take, but I say Hell No.  That body and all its holes are mine and I am not sharing.  It’s personal.  For me, the answer will always be a resounding Hell No!  There is a value here though.. letting a slave know that they are property.. and some might get off on it..but I don’t.  A slave who wants to be passed around like that isn’t for me.  I won’t be a cuckold.  Not now, not ever.

Allowed to try another style in a casual scene –  I do a bit of rope work.  I even do suspension.  But I am by no means a dedicated rope artist.  Every Dominant has  their style and talents.  I see no reason to keep my slave from experiencing those other styles and levels of talent so they can tell me what they liked and didn’t like..it helps me to get better.

By the same token, I like doing a scene with others.  The risk of emotional penetration is very high.  If however your own relation is rich and rewarding that risk is lowered.  When you have a good life, you will feel no regrets, no desire to end your commitment.  When the Dominant you serve feeds your submission to you, so that you desire to return, there can be little to tear you apart.  So I say have at it.. enjoy the casual experience of a new style or level of experience.

And what if your relation is not everything you want?  What if you already harbor regrets?  What then?  Is it better to hide your head in the sand, keep yourself from happy moments so you don’t see the shit in your life?  I say no.  If two people plan to make something special, then a casual try at another style should not be a threat to worry about.  And if you are lying to yourself about your happiness, if you are settling, then you have some serious decisions to make.

Passing a slave on to another Master – This is a yes and no kind of thing.  I have passed my slave on into the control of another for various reasons.  A trip to beyond leather in Florida.. the key to her collar was entrusted to another for that trip.  that time is was  Sno.  I gave her into the hands of another, just for the experience, as part of her training.  That was Dr Bob.  At the NE Power Exchange, I had to duck out for a moment.. so I put her in the hands of Master Karl.  There are times and places where another owner is helpful for protection, or for experience and training..  It is NOT OK in my book to just hand over a slave because someone wants to use them, unless that is a kink you both want.  That kink is not my kink.  I will not endure being a cuckold. Just my two cents on that one.

Scenes with deeper roots – Sometimes the top or bottom or both are nursing deep affections. Take Raven and I.. there is something happening there.  She has a deep and abiding love for me and Izrina knows it.  We all know it.  Raven’s owner knows it, and I know it.  There are four people involved here and to date, I’ve never crossed any line that would put the relations of those four people into jeopardy.  I have mixed feelings about this kind of thing.  On one side, there is a risk. On the other side, I deeply love my scenes with Raven, and to justify my behavior, I fall back on this quote:

The idea of love being limited and a commodity to be fiercely guarded is a concept that I don’t understand. ~ Slave_Shylah

I collected that quote so long ago, I don’t even recall my relation to this slave.  But I do still love the sentiment.  I often speak of the unbearable and limitless amount of love that can pour through you when you open yourself as a conduit for love.  I think we fear the loss of our loved ones too much, so this quote applies:

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama

Risking it all – Really, there is no difference between the married person who gets permission to try BDSM, and the Master or slave who has a very deep and intimate relation with someone else.

There is a very real risk that these bonds may destroy the existing relation, or cause a person to settle for more than they know they could have.  They are unhappy with what they have but faced with destroying the existing relation.  IF you find yourself in this situation it is something you have to decide how to handle within your ethics and if you are with someone, nilla or not, its something you have to talk about together.

A great relation, nilla or not, has to have that level of communication, of trust, of honesty. Without these, it is not a great relation, and that alone makes your decision much easier.  If you have these, then commitment takes over and fear should subside.  Ultimately, if your love exceeds your need, as the Dalai Lama suggests, then your happiness is their happiness and there is nothing to fear at all.


I wish sometimes it was a more perfect world and everyone was capable of placing the happiness of those we love before our own needs. While I am wishing this  I am reminded of my own admonishment that my values and views of the world, are not anothers.  I am also just struck with the four priorities.. The needs of the slave come before the wants of the Master, but the wants of the Master come before the wants of the slave.  Hmmmm how does that fit into this?  Life is complex.. but living it should not be.  In the path of your happiness, guided by ethics and a commitment to good choices, the right thing to do is always right in front of you.

So that’s it my friends..My thoughts on Monogamy and BDSM, in four.. count em.. four parts.  Wow.. deep subject.  Aren’t you glad I didn’t try to fit it into one piece?   I have important Master stuff to do now.. so Carpe Diem… go be someone’s great day.

2 thoughts on “Monogamy and BDSM, part 4

  1. High praise, I am honored. I thought for sure you’d have an area or two where we respectfully disagreed! That four part series was a long one. I should probably warn people to bring snack for the trip… Thanks for reading!

    Like

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