Up until now, I’ve been talking about what you “should do”. Let’s talk about this whole “should do” stuff. Just because a person should do these things.. just because you might do these things yourself, absolutely does not mean that others will.
One of the biggest, most stupid mistakes we make is to judge others by our own standards. We often think that because we are trustworthy, other will inherently be so too. And it is fairly common for lairs and cheats to think that everyone is a lair and an cheat. The way we see our world colors the way we see think others see the world. It is all too easy and common to make the mistake of thinking that the way you see things, is the way others will.. this is not so. Absolutely, definitely not so!
THIS is what Vile is railing about. Some Dominants are just plain fucking dirt bags. Your values are not theirs. They are strangers in every sense of the word. The way they see things is 180 degrees from the way you see it. They are going to use you, and dump you. They won’t use that slow, gentle, irresistible force that moves mountains, that pushes and shapes you into a happy slave. You expect that because its how it “should be”. But because they have no patience and they have no staying power and they are fucking dirt bags, you might blindly go into their trap. I’d like to add my warnings to Vile’s well published ones… Do not assume your values are anothers! Its so damned easy to forget to remember. You owe it to yourself to figure out what you are dealing with, without making assumptions.
One more thing on this. It is not always the Dominant’s fault that a collar of consideration fails. If you have “quirks”, you must communicate that up front. Maybe its bi-polar meds, or a childhood triggers. ANY trigger that might suppress your slave side should be discussed. A Dominant who is blind sided by these things might not react as well as they would have, had this been discussed early on.
That being said, I can’t stress strongly enough how I feel about the three traditional collars, about taking your time, about not falling prey to sub-frenzy, about building trust through observed honesty, about not being the slave you need to be until after you have satisfied your need to know what you are dealing with.
We touched briefly on poly as a way of making your life work. I have a story to tell, which kind of covers how I feel about this subject:
There once was a woman who had a cat. She and the cat were very close. When she would come home, the cat would sit in her lap, and she would stroke it and the cat would purr loudly, and she and the cat were very happy.
One day the cat had kittens and they were all very, very cute. The woman gave away most of the kittens but two were just so adorable, so she kept them.
And now when she came home, one cat sat on the back of the couch behind her head, and one in her lap and one by her side..sometimes.. because the cats all fought for her attention, and though she loved all three very much, she was never as close to her first cat ever again.
That story illustrates perfectly how I feel about poly. We have only so much time to share in our lives and the more people we bring into our lives, the less close we can be with those people. I know this, and still one day I hope to establish the “House of X”. A place where those who desire a pure service role.. no sex with the Master..can live. My thought is that in such a setting, a slave could establish a romantic relation with another slave, which the owner is not part of. One day, perhaps, we shall see.
I am not against poly per se. What I am against is anything that sets up boundaries between a Master and slave. I want those walls torn down.. within reason of course. Nothing but raw direct honest communication should exist between Master and slave.
And finally, we come to “loaning” your slave for Dungeon scenes.. or allowing yourself the luxury of enjoying a slave in a Dungeon scene (such as I did at the North East Power Exchange with Raven). If you are with someone who is anticipating a monogamous Master slave relation, these things can raise concerns. If you are now sensing a little behind the blog discussion between Izrina and I on that very subject ..hmmm you may be right. But, so sorry.. I hit my word limit again tonight on this subject… let’s finally get to that in part 4, tomorrow.