Monogamy and BDSM, part 2

You probably know my friend, Vile from the kinky world of Vile.  Now Vile often rails quite emotionally against cheaters and for good reason…They are usually dirt bags.  You don’t suck another person into an intense encounter with promises you have no intention of keeping, and create emotional bonds that you have no desire to support, just for sex.  A slave is meant to be used, but that use is in return for all the things that the dirt bag has no intention of supplying.

That being said, a few people of my acquaintance have maintained BDSM relations outside of their marriage.. Let’s see, there is a lady who loves to spank, a bottom to a rope lover top, and poly woman who mostly tops, to name a few.  It works for them.  In these cases, those folks have a long term BDSM relation that is still going strong.  Does their spouse know?  Not sure.  Wasn’t my place to ask.  I know the people in the BDSM side are happy, and planning to stay together.

From My Core Beliefs, number four of ten:  Thou shall be  mindful that honesty does not require that you to respond to a demand for information, but trust does.  The building blocks of trust, are honesty.

Here is the point of that reference.. If you don’t trust someone, and you know that they may use information against you, then you have no ethical obligation to provide them with that ammunition.. You must still be honest… since this should be a core value, but you should not volunteer the bullets to shoot you with.  You are allowed to stay tight lipped.

And how, you may ask, does that apply to this conversation?   Glad you asked.  IF you desire to have a BDSM relation, and your spouse isn’t interested, then you would have to go outside that relation to get it.. that’s pretty straight forward.

Now where that reference comes into play is that your spouse should pretty much fall onto one side of that equation or the other.. either you can trust them with your needs and your desire to go outside the relation for BDSM, or you can’t trust them.. you know they will take that ammunition and shoot you in the head.

So let’s look a little deeper.  If your spouse is the second type, the one that can’t be trusted, then you have to ask yourself, why the hell are you not pressing for divorce?  Really!  Just get the fuck out.  If you have no real communication with a person then no excuse under MY sun could make me stay committed to staying in that relation.

It goes without saying that if you are married, there once was a time you trusted this person, but people change, and people make bad decisions, addictions can destroy everything, and what was once good, can turn very, very bad. So get out.  When two people become one the worse life that has to offer is not so bad.  When the worse life has to offer is what one of you has become, that’s very, very bad.  For better or worse, applies to the first situation, not the second.

What if your spouse can be trusted, and is loving, caring and wants to see you happy?  They may allow you to go outside the marriage for your BDSM experience, but I have to tell you that they are a fool.  The bonds and desires you will create are far stronger than any simple craving for sex.  And if you DO take them up on such an agreement, it is highly likely you will find this to be true yourself.

Time and time again, a no body fluid bonding agreement has resulted in an BDSM experience so rich, that the spouse ended up wanting to leave anyway.  Maybe to live it 24×7, or maybe because they realized the lie of staying with a person they no longer loved as much as their BDSM partner.

In other words, damned if you do and damned if you don’t.  I could have just agreed with Vile and said leave.. but I wanted to build the you that logically you must reach a point of decision and that decision should have consequences and all of it has to be aligned with your life and your ethics.

It’s a pretty shitty person who makes sure they have the next relationship lined up before they drop the current one.  But by the same token, if you have a house, and children with someone, you may just want to try out BDSM for the purpose of determining if its worth all the heartache of taking apart what you’ve built. Its OK to want to live life on your terms, and it makes sense to feel badly about yourself for a while if you discover that you do need to leave, but you should feel like a really, really big shit if you discover you need to leave, and don’t.

Living life on your terms, while sharing life with another person is a complex thing.  I don’t have all the answers because everyone’s situation is different.  It is entirely possible that you need to go poly.  More on that later, but briefly:  It is possible that one partner will give you what you need of one thing, and another partner will give you what you need of another thing.  Life is never simple.

For most people though, I think monogamy is a touch stone and it almost always boils down to just leaving.  You have to because you want it all.  Just remember: DO NOT compromise your ethics while you are making plans to not compromise your desires.   If you come to the realization you need to change our life, do it in a way that is within your personal ethics.

But what about scenes with no sex in a dungeon??.. Does monogamy preclude you from enjoying those BDSM encounters?   What about Masters that want two slaves?  Well, lets cover that in part 3..  Izrina got in late.. and I started watching “Secretary” while I was missing her, which made me miss her even more.. I have some important Dom things to do..