The shadow of my former self sat in darkness, a beer by his hand, wallowing in the sadness that sought to crush him. All love had left the room, every corner of his mind filled with broken glass that cut with every thought that moved. He had no power, no glory, none of than which defined him when she was by his side. The air filled with music, selected for the occasion, and he took deep ragged breaths, not quite crying..though the music filled his eyes with tears as he thought of all he had lost. He took another sip of sadness, or maybe it was beer, and wrapped his pain like a blanket around himself, and tightened it around his neck, wishing to end his life.
No light reached him, no kind word could penetrate his mood. I see myself now, this sad pathetic creature, gnawing at his cold and broken heart, wishing to consume himself with his own pain. I can see him so clearly and my future self wants to reach back into time..and slap the fucking shit out of that person, and then hold him.
I want to say to him, have you no small treasure? Have you no small pile of golden memories to nurse with happiness? Have you nothing to be thankful for? Are there no flowers left in your world? Is there no where you can go to hear the laughter of children? Can you not rise each morning and see the hope that begs you to take it into your arms?
I wish I could be sorry for you but I cannot, I want to fucking slap you. You make me angry! This life you have been given is not about what you were getting but what you can give! Have you nothing left to give? Can you not lend a hand to an elderly person, hold a door for a stranger? Can you not rescue an animal from a shelter? Are there no soup kitchens begging for volunteers?
Love is all that is worth living for, and worth dying for, but you are a blind fucking fool. Love is not outside you! Love comes from deep within you. You were born as a conduit for love and yet you have shut yourself out from it. Love is like a light, and it longs to pulse through your veins, to fill you with the pain of knowing that you can never, and I mean absolutely never be alone.
If you want to nurse pain, nurse the pain of the unbearable light of that mana. You cannot contain all the love that will pour through you when you open yourself to that love. If you must nurse pain, nurse that pain. When this light peels away the crust from your eyes, so that you see your fellow man through its eyes, and you suddenly love the saint and the sinner, when you see your fellow man struggling in the very pain you now hold, and you love them for all their flaws and troubles.. then you will be lifted up, and sustained.
No, my former self, sitting in the darkness, nursing your pain.. I cannot feel sorry for you. I am angry with you. You need a wake up call, and I your future self am here now, finally to show you the way. Your future is bright.. oh if you only knew the joy that you will feel some day. Now dust yourself off…find that small pile of treasure you have conveniently hidden, and count your blessings. Then, and only then.. go out and be someones great day. Namaste!