I know that I promised to follow my list of quotes by others with some of my own, but I strongly suspect you are reading this for the BDSM content and not to hear me pontificate. Since tonight’s munch was interesting, I’m going there. I’ll get to my quotes tomorrow.. promise.
Munch, munch, munch… Someone once told me that a munch was a meeting over lunch.. Not sure the origins of this term but its been in use quite a while. It’s been bitter cold so I packed Izrina in furs and off we went to a local munch. I like them. Its an opportunity for me to be my gentleman sadist, and get her coat and doors. If you want more on that, use the “search for words” tool on the right side of this blog and search for the word, “gentleman”. In fact, if you haven’t used that tool before, I encourage you to experiment. I use it all the time to find blogs I know I’ve written.
Rolling into the scene…We, and by that I mean I, picked an open spot at a table with a gentleman who was at the house party this past weekend. Across from me was an older couple I had not spent a lot of time with. Then a newbie couple came in and joined us, sitting right across from us.
The gentleman of the older couple had a strong interest in rope, and his Fetname implies this is what he is all about rope. He and his bottom have been together for thirteen years. The new couple, were as you might expect, a bit nervous about this whole munch thing, having never been to anything community related before. I was anxious to disarm them, make them feel welcomed, and answer questions.
As you can well imagine, I love when I have an opportunity to speak with newbies. It gives me a chance to pontificate, which of course I did at some length.. speaking to them about finding a way to communicate your self identity, about Ds, BD, SM. They had never heard of subspace which lead to after care and a number of other subjects.
And then the fur started flying! – Every time I opened my mouth though, the bottom in the older couple interjected with comments about how “everyone is different” and “advise from one person doesn’t fit everyone”. And then I would point out, yes, but I hate that kind of talk, because some things are intrinsically true. Plus we need people to share all of the tools in their toolbox so we can find the ones that work for us. We share so that everyone has a full toolbox.
I would then move on to another subject, to be interrupted again. Back and forth it went. I began to wonder why the top was so quiet. I began to wonder if the bottom wasn’t really running that show. I didn’t however offer that thought, because they didn’t offer information about their dynamic and I believe that everyone deserves respect until they lose it.
When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new. ~ Quote, Dalai Lama
Anyway, I got across my major points, a flurry of ideas to absorb and then pointed out people at the munch they wanted to speak with, to get vetted for the next rope workshop. They left to go start that process and I had a chance to speak further with the older couple. THEN, the top started speaking, taking soft jabs at my Domination of the conversation.
Seems the bottom’s father was a diplomat, and she grew up with protocol. It was a very big part of her growing up.. and she didn’t want to ever go back to that. He hit me with the fact that while they liked the local dungeon, but he didn’t like the fact that many of the people there were hard core into protocol. He and his “slave” felt pressured to adopt protocols in their relation.
Suddenly all the puzzle pieces fit into place. This was a couple who were really into rope, and mildly into Ds. In their minds that didn’t diminish them as a Dominant or submissive. He felt like others didn’t treat him like a “real dominant” because of their loose format. From my perspective, with him being quiet the whole time and she being so vocal, I would by my definitions, never consider them to be Master and slave. I might consider what I observed Dominant and submissive, but only very mildly. I can see why others might point this out to them. But I also wouldn’t insult their feelings about their relation by insisting on driving that point.
If I were to do a deeper dive into this, I would guess that he has had to compromise on protocols because it is important to her. He wants to be a Master, but her hard limits and vocal nature gives him only two choices.. cut her loose or accept the dynamic. After thirteen years, he’s not going to cut her loose. They appear to be happy with who they are, and already feel defensive about it, so no point in fur flying over that. There is only one problem with me keeping quiet as I did.
The problem with silence – This is a couple who will be active in the community. They will rail against the “one true way” and “definitions of identities”. They will put forth that soft mushy idea that you can’t define these things. They will dilute MY reality, by insisting on theirs.
If a word has no meaning until the person using it personally defines it, then why even have that word in the first place? What is the value of a word that has no value? None. Words such as slave, consensual slave, and submissive need definitions ~Xtac Quote
They will continue to object to any solid advice under the banner of fighting the oppression of the “one true way”. They will constantly muddy the water of definitions and mentoring because of they don’t want to feel diminished. I don’t understand why a submissive or Dominant has to feel diminished when I say they are not a slave and Master. They are choosing to not seek a TPE. They chose to be Dominant and submissive. Why can’t they be happy with that? Why diminish MY relation by redefining it? There IS a difference between TPE and submission. We call that difference slave or submissive. Yes there are different kinds of Master/slave relations but what they share is the common goal to approximate being an un-consensual slave. From history we know what a real slave is. Today’s modern consensual slave is borrowing on that term. Ah well.. this argument is ancient. I like the older couple, but I don’t like what they think, and I can accept both of these things.
There will always be Dominants and submissives who don’t want to be told they are not Masters and slaves, and there will always be Masters and slaves who are offended by Dominants and submissives dilute the hardcore life we lead by insisting on watering down the conditions required to claim that title. Might as well ask why left wing and right wing politics don’t get along…
We get into our heads the way a thing needs to be, and then set out to make everyone else agree to our reality, so that we don’t have to change. No cure for it really. I could propose that everyone just relax, and realize that the problem is you. By that I mean that you need to stop trying to impose your reality on mine.. but… and here is the funny part.. I have to impose MY reality about that on YOU to get YOU to stop imposing your reality on ME. It’s kind of funny when you step back and look at it.
The cure for radical points of view is almost always for you to do the very thing thing you are trying to stop. The only way to get a religious radical to stop trying to convert you, is to convert them. The only way to stop a killer, is to kill them. Why do we kill a killer? Do we kill a killer to show that killing is wrong? No.. we do it to stop them, so we can live the way we want. Its weird when you really look at it. To stop a thing you don’t like, you often have to DO the thing you don’t like.
Argue to the intelligence of your point not to people. If you find yourself in a cage with monkeys, what would the point be to trying to convince them to stop throwing shit? ~ Xtac Quote
I think I am just going to move into a cave with my slave and let the whole world eat itself!
Another interesting thing came of this evening. There was a Master who was ostracized from the local community for consent violation. I asked often for details about that. For the most part, I got vague generalities, mostly about gas-lighting, and one solid example. The older gentleman gave me some much better examples of why descriptions of his abuses seemed vague. He describe how this Master was a person who carved out special privileges, treating others as needing his guidance, using his position of respect to interfere, belittling people if they didn’t accept him get involved, and stepping into their scenes and control under his own assumption that as a brilliant and accomplished Master he was just mentoring, not meddling. That IS consent violation. You have to be invited, before you can mentor a person or meddle in a scene. That was good information.
Listening helps! Let me wrap this up with something that proves you need to listen to others, even if you don’t agree. The bottom, who kept interrupting, and wasn’t stopped by her top.. she had a new and rather brilliant comment tonight. She said in essence that in every Ds relation that you have to take into account three things. She then listed the needs of the Dominant, the submissive, and the relation; pointing out that all three had needs that should be taken into account. It was in response to me quoting some “Kinky Vile” comments about Masters and slaves needing to be compatible in their needs.
This three participants idea is brilliant. I’ve reformulated that conversation into a new quote: In every Ds relation there are three participants.. the Dominant, the submissive, and the relation. All three have needs. Brilliant! That is very quote worthy!. And that takes me back to quotes in general. The truth is that no idea is new. Every quote I have thought up has been thought of before, by someone, somewhere, at some time. We just rediscover these things over and over. People like myself who take credit for brilliance are only able to do so because we are students of life, and we listen, then put this stuff back into bite size pieces of critical information for consumption.
Constants! There really isn’t anything new under the sun. or the moon either. I often point to Romeo and Juliet as proof that no matter how we change, basic human interaction remains a constant. We recognize the motivations of these fictional lovers from hundreds of years ago, and thousands of year from now, these motivations and reactions will still be recognizable. Just one more reason to stop the assault of the one true way. I am not suggesting there IS one true way. What I am saying is that to move forward, we have to stop being fuzzy on definitions, and start to accept that there ARE good solid training techniques, ARE practices proven by time to be effective, ARE useful behavior modification methods, and sharing these are important to who and what we are.
Anyway.. it was a good evening. I got in some time to pontificate. I got to share some ideas with you. and I even got to see my slave turn red faced when I put her on the spot at the munch..always a pleasure in public. Carpe Diem my friends.. go be someone’s great day.