X says ~ Must see videos

OK.. now, thanks to emdimensional, I have TWO highly recommended, must see videos.

The first, The Butterfly Circus.. I have long promoted.  This is absolutely for everyone.

Eternity and infinity hold all possibilities and in a state of all possibilities existing simultaneously, rationality can not function. ~Xtac Quote

I have long maintained that we are children of God, free to roam all time and all space and for whom all things are possible.  Imagine my surprise after nearly sixty years into this life, to finally find a kindred spirit. If any of my thinking upsets your beliefs,  then you may not want to watch this new X ~ must see:  The egg


The infinite monkey theorem states that book “War and Peace” could be typed entirely by shear random coincidence, every dotted period, every comma, every letter, every space, every page of that monstrous long book, by a monkey, given an infinite amount of time.

People do not realize how silly it is, that the deeds of one human lifetime should earn you an eternity of hell or heaven.   A human lifetime is so utterly insignificant a span of time, an utterly small, microscopic, speck, a super micro particle on a speck, compared to the incredibly vast, boundless expanses of eternity.

To put a feeble analogy on it, it is like you own every bit of gold on the earth, the coins, the bullion, the nuggets below the ground and above.  Plus all the gold in the universe.  Rooms filled with gold.  Mansions filled with gold.  So much gold you can build streets and walls with it. Cities with it.   All that gold is this precious gift we call life.

And God says.. here is a speck.. let me see how you use my gift.  I am taking one fleck from one of my thousands of piles of gold dust that I will give you… one fleck only.. I want you to spend it.  And if I like the way you spent that fleck of gold I will let you keep all of the gold in the universe -an eternity of life, my most precious gift to you.  But if you spend it poorly I will take it all away and I will torture you for every fleck of gold that I took away, I will send you to hell for all eternity. You will never have anything to spend again ever and you will suffer.  You get everything or nothing based on that one small fleck.  If you spend it poorly it all goes away.  No second chances.  No opportunity to show you learned your lesson.  I won’t check on you again, to see if you are now a better person.  You will waste away, far from my eyes.

And if you spend well, then the test is over and you can spend billions and billions of specs. I won’t check if you spend them badly because the test was is over.  I don’t care about all the other gold I gave you, just that one tiny speck.

Put into another analogy, it would be like trying to decide if a person stays in jail for life based on their behavior in the first five minute after birth.

It would be like deciding if a you loved or hated a person based on the first syllable out of their mouth.  Not even the first word.. Just the first syllable of the first word. Hate or love forever, based on that.

Does that seem to you like a test filled with compassion, love, understanding and above all forgiveness?  Does this seem like a test you would impose on your children.. children you profess to love?

Wait.. it gets better.. God won’t tell you the rules personally, no he sent many messengers and each has a different set of rules.   Yeah… when you think about eternity, much of traditional religions sort of fall short for a thinking person.

Here is another thing about eternity.  Think of standing on a set of train tracks on a flat plain.  For as far as you can see, the tracks disappear into the distance.   You turn the other way and again, the tracks disappear into the distance.  So you think, in one of these two directions is the beginning, the start of the these tracks.  Logically we know that there is a beginning and an end.  But eternity has no such concept.  The tracks go forever in one direction and forever in the other.  No beginning and no end.  As it was in the beginning, so it is now, and ever shall be, world without end.  Time can go forever in both directions which means, that which exists now, may have always existed.  Somethings didn’t have to come from some place.. they just always were.. always existed.  There is no start, no creation, only a cycle of destruction and rebirth.  Its mind blowing.

Then there is infinity.  Eternity blows your mind about time, but infinity blows your mind about space.  If buzz light year can go to infinity and beyond, then he will be traveling forever.  Like the monkey theorem, if space is infinite, that means eventually, completely by random chance, somewhere else is a planet just like this one.

If you travel to infinity, you find world after world, and some will be like this one, and another, another.  Some will be exact copies, down to every leaf on a tree and every leaf that has fallen.  Every rock in place, and rain drop falling.  If infinity and eternity are real, there is not a copy of you running around on another world, there are many copies of you running around on many worlds.

We are not talking about science fiction here, we are talking simple logic.  If there is no end to time and no end to space, in either direction, then all things are possible.  Its the monkey theorem.   Again, when I talk about eternity and infinity, I am not talking religion.  But when I think about eternity and infinity, it shapes my thinking, especially around religion.

If you are wondering if I believe in God, my simple answer is yes.  My complex answer is no.  I do not have faith.  I have person experience that tells me there is something, what most might call God, that does exist.  I have tasted love and light so complete it is beyond words.  I don’t need faith.  I don’t have answers or words. I DO have knowledge based on experience.  Its why I must be the spiritual leader in my M/s relation.  I can help guide a person to their own experience, but I can not say what that person’s experience will be, what words they will put to that direct knowledge.  It is why I mingle BDSM with tantra meditation. Sorry to get all mystical there.

Normally, I try to put these ideas into more practical terms..  we have two great quests in life.. to learn to be happy, and to learn to make good decisions.  That’s easy to explain.  Easy to teach.  And on that path, we learn of power and love.  We learn of passion and compassion.  Of the ebb and flow of the universe, the value of things, the ying and the yang, that which we are here to do.. to become better children of God, or the universe.. if that works better for you.  Nameste.


A side note:  Like the concept put forth in the egg, I believe we each live in our own universe, but unlike the egg, I believe we run into other souls… kind of like a venn diagram.. but I won’t go into that now.  Its enough for me that the egg opens people to the concepts of eternity and infinity.  Its bad from my point of view, because it teaches us we are alone with God.. I don’t believe that.  And most of all, it is bad because we could be seeing the birth of a new religion. 



Sex and Oral Service

It seems sex has been on my mind quite a bit lately.  In the season of Christmas, when our hearts should be turned to charity and friendship, I did write a piece regarding the holiday spirit, but in retrospect its humorous because then I followed it up with a piece of hard porn.  Ha!  Inappropriate again!  Seems to be my way.  Freaking charming and disarming and then wildly weird (to most) and off topic, and inappropriate.  Yep, that’s me.

I was curious how the hard porn piece would be received by my readers, and interestingly, the statistics that came back from WordPress indicate that it was barely read.  The title however never indicated that it might be sexual in nature.  I mean, who would think that a title like “Ghost of Christmas past” would be hard porn? If you didn’t read the Ghost one, but are reading this one because of the title, maybe people DO pick what to read entirely by subject line.

Be warned people!  My subject lines almost never help describe the real content. More often, they are lead ins, or off tangent from the meat of the subject.  Bet you just thought – here he goes again… but nope

Yeah, we are four paragraphs in, and if you are wondering, when is he going to get to the good stuff, the sex and oral service stuff, well here we go… I am not false advertising this one, honest!

Izrina didn’t care for the Ghosts piece.. guess she isn’t a porn person.. Odd… shouldn’t I know that?   Bad “M”, bad!   So we had a discussion about “oral service”.  In conversation, she had referred to a blow job as a present.. and I stopped her at once, not happy with that nomenclature.

Time out for one itsy-bitsy cute thing.. When I told her I didn’t like her calling it a present, she did that slave thing.. the deer in the headlights thing..  the one where you can just read the panic in her eyes for doing or thinking something Master doesn’t like.. its just so fucking cute.. I love slaves.. I love the care and concern for Master’s pleasure and the burning desire to never disappoint, and all that.  Really, when this is your life, and its really what you are all about.. moments like that are just too delicious.. I know it was just a brief moment but moments like that are everything to me… and back to oral service...

So anyway, her momentary panic aside, I sat her down to explain what I meant.  My pet…I said, I have lived in slave relations and I have lived in vanilla relations.  You are quite right that a blow job is a present…IF you are in a vanilla relationship.  ( The panic again in her eyes – so cute! ).

You see, there is nothing more wonderful in a vanilla relation when either side performs oral sex for the other, and then lets them drift off into sleep, or ride out the wonderful waves of that orgasm, without any strings attached – no need to return the favor – no need to stop riding that wonderful place that orgasms take us.  So yes, in a vanilla relation, that is a gift.  In a nilla relation, I  have ALWAYS refereed to oral sex that has no expectation of return as a gift.  So in that sense my pet, it is a present.  The dawning of understanding my thoughts became clear in her eyes.

But in a Master-slave relation, that takes on a whole new dynamic. In a vanilla relationship, both parties are seeking for equality.  In a Master-slave relationship, their is an expectation that the Master will USE the slave and at times there will be no equity in simple terms.   We know that our exchanges are in uncommon currency.  Our equity is one that is difficult to understand, sometimes even by our kinky friends.  Panic passed, all was right in our world again, and Master was pleased with his slave.

NOTE: For a deeper dive into my feelings on uncommon currency, read my core values and beliefs or Uncommon currency.

Why do I think this way, you may ask?

In a M/s relation, a blow job is service. It can be ordered.  Its why I refer to it as oral service.  Now if a slave is suddenly overcome with appreciation for the gift of domination and wishes to express that with some oral service…. well that is cock worship.

Words and definitions.  They are meaningless until they have action.  But in a sense they are everything because they set our minds into a framework.  Words are the basis for a mindset.

In a nilla relation, a blow job can be a gift or a present, but I NEVER want to hear those words from my slave.  She may ask for permission to show me worship.  She may be ordered to perform oral service.   But she may never think she is giving me something, because I already own it.  When she gives me worship.. THAT is a gift.. the gift of her trust, love and devotion.  It’s subtle but important.  These are the uncommon currency that she gives to me.  A simple blow job as a gift from a slave??? Bah!!!  The thought leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

The mindset of Master and slave is clear.  I own her.  I own her body, and her mind.  She must set aside a part of her mind as the guardian that will report all things to Master, and especially note that which the Guardian thinks Master will want to know.  The Guardian will report damage to his property.. bruises, cuts and scraps.  A Master needs to know when his property is damaged.  I do not own her mind body and SOUL..  Her soul belongs to a higher power, but thankfully, this slave I own has chosen me to be her spiritual leader.  That was an important negotiation for me.. because BDSM and my spiritual quest are co-mingled.

Life is my spiritual path, but BDSM is how I share it. In this life, I serve by leading those who serve. I see the ying and the yang through out life and in BDSM, I can express it with passion and compassion, two sides of the same, each of us in our sacred role. ~ Xtac Quote

I would encourage you, if you are in a M/s relation, to never allow the scales or your exchange to tip.  A slave should feel grateful for the gift of domination.  They should never, and I mean NEVER, feel like they are giving more than they are getting.  That leads down a very bad and dark road my friends.  It takes some original thinking to realize what you value, and then place your happiness around receiving the things that you value.

This goes for Masters and slaves.  If you as a slave don’t like being used.. here I go.. you are not really a slave.  I am going to upset some people with that comment but I don’t care.  If you don’t like being used, then every time Master uses you, you are going to build up resentment for the inequity in your relation and eventually its is going to drive you apart.  And if a Master can’t use you then he doesn’t really own you.  If he doesn’t own you, then you are a submissive, not a slave.  So I stand by my statement.  A real slave in their heart desires to be property, and to be used for the pleasure of their Master.  Anything less and you are a submissive, not a slave.  Its fine.. submission comes in all levels and each to their own.  Be happy with who and what you are.. but don’t tell my slave, you are a slave, if your Dominant doesn’t own your body and mind.

So, my friends.. I do tend to go on, don’t I?  Here’s to Masters every where, using their slaves for oral service, or perhaps receiving the pleasure of worship.  And here’s to the slaves on their knees, tasting their submission in their Master’s pleasure..quite literally.  And here’s to the nilla’s with their presents and gifts – may they someday awaken to a greater world in which they realize we all live in systems of power, and then find pleasure  in that knowledge.  With their personal boundaries they have built a box from which their hearts can never truly meet.  I wish they could see what I see.  Carpe Diem my friends… go be someone’s great day!

Ghosts of Christmas past

Today I would like to share a semi-fictional story, based on a real event.
It all begins at a Christmas party, many years ago…

GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS PAST –  a semi-fictional tale.

He strode into the room, feeling all of the power and confidence of his position.  A fairly young manager, who worked out regularly, his strength showed not only in his presence, but in the muscles that rippled under his tailored shirts.

The room was filled with friends and associates.  Most were people that normally, you not spend a lot of time with.  Others you would.  All were brought together by this little Christmas gathering.  A pair of folding tables, draped in holiday covers and laid out with pot luck foods was the center of attention.   Over weight people, eating and drinking too much gathered here.  The room was filled with that background buzz of people making small talk, their tongues loosened by alcohol, as they wandered about with plates of small portions.  It was Christmas that had brought them together.  In one corner, a tiny fake Christmas tree adorned with lights blinked like a shrine to this gathering of mismatched people.

He quickly surveyed the room, picking his order of attack.  Which people to shake hands with first and get it out of the way. Which people to pigeon hole, to work during play, and which to hang with later.  Plus, he needed the all important corner to commandeer, a place gather his minions.

It was later, after his minions had made their worship known, as he held court in the corner, that he noticed her.  A tall, beautiful woman leaning uncomfortably alone, against a wall across from him.  She was not unknown to him, but the opportunity to socialize with her had never presented itself before.

She was nervous, and ill at ease.  At first it was this shy discomfort that attracted the attention of his Dominant nature.  But as he looked again, he realized that there was more here than natural submissiveness.  She was a breathtaking beauty with red hair and curves that made him swear softly under his breath  God! the body on this woman!

Her freckled, small town girl face, framed by sweeping long locks of straight red hair, held beautiful eyes that turned down shyly at contact.  He gazed more intently at her and she flinched under the attention.  She wore a loose fitting dress whose plunging neckline allowed him to view delicious cleavage formed by rich full breasts, trapped in a bra underneath.  His gaze now swept up and down.  She had a flat stomach, and hips that flared out nicely, complimenting those wonderful breasts in graceful sweeping curves that defined her ample feminine form. High heals drew his attention to long lean legs that disappeared under a skirt just short enough to make him believe that a wonderful mound of womanhood awaited just above thighs that didn’t meet-unless crossed and pressed tightly together.  He drank in this beauty and felt a familiar throbbing in his lower extremities.

Dismissing court, he made eye contact once again, which she promptly broke, looking down shyly.  It only fueled his desire more.  He strode purposely towards his prize, she with her heart aflutter as he approached.  She looked up in a serious of short glances, each time he was still staring, still coming closer, still approaching until his neatly polished boots appeared in her downward gaze.  She pressed her back against the wall as if it would shield her from his presence, but it only served to square her shoulders, and make her breasts more prominent.  He didn’t lean in or put a hand against the wall to trap her.  He didn’t look down to steal a glance at the cleavage, the ample breast between them.  He moved slowly, disarming her.  Slowly he stripped her of her fears and apprehensions, laying her bear.

He talked not about himself, but instead struck her with a constant stream of questions about herself.  She found herself loose tongued, in a way that only too much alcohol normally made her speak.  He kept her off balance, one moment free and easy, and in another he would touch her forearm, a contact that froze her for a moment.  He never quite felt harmless, yet he never left her uneasy for more than a brief moment.  And so it went, moments of ease and nervousness.  The room and its people ceased to exist.

The evening melted away, in a dance of hot exchanges, her universe engulfed by this intriguing person.  Party goers began to make their exits,  and he made his first command of the evening.. stay and help me with the cleanup.  She nodded.  Maybe because in her heart she was submissive, or perhaps she was drunk with the wine of this man’s power, but she gave of herself willingly, eagerly.  It wasn’t a demand, yet she felt compelled just the same.

When the last of the party goers had left the building, and the doors were locked, he took her by the hand and lead her deeper into the building, she in tow, nervous but obedient.  She followed meekly into a room with wood walls and he closed the door behind them.  He turned to face her and backed her up into a wall, his thigh between her legs.  He looked down at her, that beautiful face framed in wonderful long flowing red hair, that fell about her shoulders and down into that gorgeous cleavage.  NOW he allowed himself the luxory of drinking in her beauty, of gazing on that wonderful cleavage.  She breathed heavy now, completely drunk in her submission. No words were exchanged.  She understood as he did, that they were two of a kind, each in their own way.

So it was that when he pressed ever so gently on her shoulders, she instantly fell to her knees, knowing his wordless desire, and was willing to obey.  She removed his cock. Her submission alone had made it hard and throbbing , and she took him into her mouth.  In that moment, as her lips closed in delicious submission to his pleasure, he knew as she did, that she was his to command.  He let her feel him, taste him, and reveled in feeling of having this woman on her knees before him.

It is odd that there was no discussion, no negotiation, no reaching of an understanding.  So sure of their desires were they, that words were not needed. He pulled her up to him, his mouth now hungry for hers.  He tasted her lips, her tongue, as he pressed her once more to the wall.  He cupped her breasts, full hands, which sought through the material of her dress and bra for hard nipples underneath.

One hand stole under her dress.  Her panties were soaked with the excitement of this encounter.  He understood now he must make her his.  One last time against the wall, with a handful of hair and soft kisses at her neck he pressed against her, then lead her to a nearby desk by the grip on her hair.  He pressed her head forward, driving her over the desk, lead by his grip on her hair.  He released her and now she lay before him, her breasts pressed against the wood of the desk, her back rising with heavy breaths, and her ass held high by those long shapely legs.

Her skirt rode up high in the move, giving him the smallest glimpse of wet panties over her perfect mound.  He paused, letting her feel her submission, her exposure, letting her feel cool air on her wetness.  He paused to admire the perfection of her lines, the way her thighs and ass cheeks met, and framed the dripping  sex he would soon possess. In spite of his hunger, he paused to make her feel the choice, her choice, to continue this dance or not.

What went through her head as she stayed frozen there with her breasts pressed against the desk?  What did she feel with her ass  exposed to him,  her sex freely offered to do with as he pleased?  Perhaps she felt fear mingled with excitement, or maybe just excitement at the thought of the control this man had over her. Whatever she thought, she did not move.  She remained frozen in place for his use.  Breathless, she awaited for his continued pleasure to take her.

She didn’t turn to look at him, but closed her eyes, blind and waiting in her personal darkness for the feel of his touch.   She waited for him to use her.  She waited, lost in the darkness of her unconditional surrender, freely giving of her body anything his pleasure would take from her, and he smiled at that.  He touched her and she breathed deeper, her knees trembled and buckled ever so slightly.

He trailed a hand up her thighs, under her skirt and then knelt to better appreciate that which he would now take.  As he slowed pulled her panties down, to reveal her wet and waiting womanhood, crowned by a small tuft of red hair, she moaned softly in anticipation.  She smelled wonderful.  He gently bit her ass, then licked and sucked at her clit, mixing little bits of pleasure and pain.  A gasp escaped her lips and she grasped the edge of the desk harder, fairly trembling now.

It is hard to say which was more drunk with lust in that moment. He with his throbbing need to be inside her,  to feel the grip of her wetness around him.  Or she driven mad by the slow conquest of her being, the need to feel him take her completely.  He stood suddenly, decisively, his cock already out, wet from her mouth.  He slide the head ever so softly between the her lips, wetting himself further with her juices.

He slid into her ever so slowly, at first, lips wet with anticipation parting to hold him.  Eyes closed, ever fiber of her being attended to the sensation of that penetration, of her grip on him, as his irresistible force met the movable object of her being.  With an unexpected change, he thrust suddenly into her, and she gasped.  He buried deep, his hardness penetrating her deeper than she could ever remember, his pelvic bone grinding into her, seeking to go deeper still, and she felt the last vestiges of self control leave her.  The moment was ecstasy unleashed, her tight wet grip, pliable and yielding to the hard and throbbing domination that slide into her, as he took her utterly and completely.

It was the first and last penetration, the alpha an omega, the crumbling and making of her world.  She was his completely, the two made one.  It was the first of many a dangerous encounter, sexual adventures in places partly public.  There is a thing about power and attraction.  Ideally, we move slowly, taking our time as we get to know another person.  And sometimes we are overcome by the momentum of a moment.  We succumb to dangerous desires,  as both Dominant and submissive.  It is not important if we are impulsive or not, if we succumb to the lust of the moment or not.  What is important is that we make good choices, ones that we can live with later.  Not long later I wrote this:

I have found, that almost every submissive has a secret key locked away in her heart and her mind, begging to be found. Any master can have her pleasures, but only a great Master can find the key, and when he does, she comes undone, but is forever more, held in the grip of the man that set her free. Given time, that Master is usually me. ~Xtac Quote

Carped Diem my friends, and a merry kinky Christmas!

A side note:  This happened in what we might call the golden age of sex, when one night stands were common – before aids and herpes where known.  This was a time when a shot of penicillin would cure any STD out there. Today, reality dictates we are much more cautious in our trysts.  I often wonder where the sexual revolution would have taken us, had these diseases never happened?  Also, this was before Izrina.  I have been this way as long as I can remember.

Merry Christmass

A Merry Kinky Christmass my friends… because everything is better when it ends with some “ass”. Especially a red ass.

During the Holidays, I like to sit and watch those schmaltzy Christmas movies.  It puts me in a frame of mind that believes there is hope for the whole world.

We are supposed to be full of Christmas cheer now, right?  I want to share words of inspiration, but then I think.. Its a Christian Holiday.  What do Jews or Muslims think of this whole “Christ-Mass” thing?  And I think of the terror attacks that will be planned around mass gatherings.   And I think of the snarls of traffic with frantic people rushing to get a gift that may be returned, or thrown out.. and I wonder.. is Christmas really so different from any other day?  Perhaps it shouldn’t be.  In 2014, I wrote this on Thanksgiving:

I am thankful for beautiful skies, my inner guide, and the universe through which I offer myself as a conduit. I am thankful for my canvas, she with whom I practice serving those who serve. I am thankful for that which gives meaning to my life. I am thankful for those who have shared moments with me, letting me be part of their life, as I am part of theirs. ~ Xtac Quote, Thanksgiving 2014

So today is Christmas.  Some will spend it alone.  Some will tear open gifts and sit in piles of wrapping paper.  Some will be thankful its over.  Some will get in cars and make trips to family members they may or may not want to see.  Me, I will spend it with people that are important to me, and I will do nothing special, which will make it extra special.  My daughter and my mother will get together and bake a new cake recipe.  And my daughter will make memories that will make her cry when Grandma has passed on.  Life always ends.

We often go about our Christmas “to do” list like good soldiers following orders.  We often do these things with eyes closed, not sure why we do them. Let me tell you why.  Yes, Christmas is commercial, and Yes, Christmas is in large part about gifts.  It IS a time of gift giving.  So let’s think more about giving, shall we?  When you give, you can give of your money, or time, or talent.  Of the three, time is the most precious gift.

Sometimes we give because we can’t wait to see the smiles our gift will bring.  And sometimes we give for the joy we hope it will bring.  Sometimes we give for the warm, smug feeling that tells us what good people we are for giving.

There was a homeless gentleman I passed every day on the way to work, and I would pick up a carrot cake, or some other packaged food, so he could tell I had not messed with it, and hand it to him as I passed. Some days, I included a few dollars. I could easily have fallen into the trap of feeling smug about this.  Giving, if we do it for the wrong reasons, can be a bad thing.

If we look at what we have, and what others have, and what stuff we want to move from our pile to another’s, we are looking at gifts as a cold truth with a closed heart.  When you give, what you gave is no longer yours.  It belongs to someone else now.  You should have no expectations of control over the thing that is no longer yours. The truth is, most of us expect something in return for a gift.  We hope the gift brings joy, or finds a place in their home.  We hope for an equitable exchange, warm feelings in return for our generosity.  Often, we have expectations of an immediate return on our gift, even if we don’t consciously express it or think about it.

Ask yourself, why WOULD you give if your gift was just thrown away?  Why would you give if no appreciation was expressed?  Ah, now we get to the heart of Christmas!

Christmas and giving are NOT about the joy you create, or what happens with your gifts.  When you give, you have become a conduit for the light of the universe.  What you give, you receive back three fold.  Not from the person that you gave to, but from the boundless love that you have made yourself a conduit for.

When you are selfless, as any slave knows, you have tapped into something bigger than you or the person you have served.  You are a mystic, a shaman, a priest of the universe.  Not in some intangible way, but in a way that fills you with light and lightness.  Your heart is free, you are warmed with an irresistible urge to smile,  you like scrooge are happy beyond measure and you can’t explain it.  But you know it is real because you feel it.

You can’t bottle it, you can’t sell it, and you can’t give it to someone else.  When you experience being a conduit for love, this is your personal gift from somewhere beyond.  You can’t make people believe in it.  Nor can you make people experience it, even if they give.  A person who refuses to open their heart can give, and then sit unhappy that giving was a miserable experience.  No, you must open your heart to the experience, to feel love pouring through you.

So as you go to visit, as you sit with friends, as you watch gifts unwrapped, open your heart to a bigger picture.  This IS a time when the hope of the whole world rests in our hands.  It is a time when we can peel back the veil and see the what happens when we think beyond our own little lives.  We can FEEL the reality that can’t be shared.  We can feel the experience that is open to any who allow it.  It is a time when we can help others to see that there is more to life than collecting a pile of stuff.

We have only so much time in this life.  Every second is a gift.  We can not create for ourselves, one more second of time than we will have.  We own nothing.  Not even our bodies.  These too shall return to the earth.  We own only one thing, my friends.  Our decisions.  This Christmas, I encourage you to look at your decisions and make good ones, especially with your time.  Spend it with people who matter.  Give and hold nothing back.  Let yourself be free of your worries.   Be a conduit for all the good this world deserves, and if you should find yourself weeping, it will probably be for joy.  Joy for the smallest moments that are so huge.  Carpe Diem!   Merry Christmas!  Go be someone’s great day!


If you didn’t read my previous post, please do first.  Its here.

Now.  Some might think I  wasn’t strong because I didn’t blow up, that I didn’t show that asshole the Master and Dominant that I am.  Others may think that if you are not angry at injustice, then the injustice may not be real.  In court, if you show no emotion, its a bad thing for the jury.  Trust me, there was plenty violence and aggression hurled my way and it could very easily have turned into ugly uncontrolled rage.. on his part. Not mine.  But why not? you may ask.

If any of that previous blog sounded weak, I am writing this now to correct your terrible understanding of how a person in control really works.

In retrospect, I am extremely pleased with my performance.  There is a thing that happens sometimes, when you are completely reasonable with an  unreasonable person, and it makes them angrier.  Obviously when that happens, they were trying to provoke you.  That didn’t happen though.

I kept my voice stead, I fought back the screaming voice inside of me, I addressed the gentleman as “Sir”, and did my level best to keep the tone civil.  In short, he was out of control, and from a thinking person’s perspective, that is an opportunity for YOU to be more fully in control.  It is as if they have placed themselves blindfolded on a narrow board and with the most gentle of touch you can cause them to sway this way or that.  You MUST have control of yourself first, before you can see and leverage a position like that.

A great Dominant will be like that.  They are annoyingly calm, slow to anger, but you can still tell when you have displeased them, because the intensity and focus goes way up.  When that happens, you just know you are in trouble with them and at that point, if you haven’t gotten control of yourself, that Dominant is going to manipulate you like a marionette.

Anger my friends is a tool.  Sometimes we pull it out of box and we show it to people to get their attention.  But anger should never be worn.  It must be something that is displayed but not allowed to be part of yourself.  Not sure how I can explain this better.  It is like you become an actor, and you use the anger you should be feeling, to create the perfect scene for that moment in your life.

When as a Dominant should you show anger?  Almost never.  It might be misunderstood for a lack of control.  When you cannot control yourself, everyone knows that you are weak.  But there are times when you have not been able to achieve a certain level of focus from someone, and they need to know they have gone so far as to create a situation where you will actually be angry.  For a person that knows you, this can be a very scary moment.  All the more reason to have yourself under control.

Fear and intimidation can be useful tools.  Never turn away a tool.  Every thing has its time and place.  But of all the tools in your Domination toolbox, these are the ones that should be left to rust.

So yes, in retrospect I am very pleased with my performance.  I will tell you that afterward, after I was away from mister angry, I had my own moments of pent up rage.  I wanted to smash walls, and break things with a bat, but I kept it bottled up until it passed.  Oh I felt it alright, but I was better than that, and I am proud of it.  That opportunity for anger is now in the past and the pride I feel at the control I managed over him and myself, won’t allow me to even come close to being angry now.  Don’t think that control is easy.  It is not.  Nor is it easy to hide when you are controlling yourself.  You have to control yourself without looking like you are trying.  Never let them see your cards.  Hope that gave you something worthy to think about.  Carpe Diem my friends!  Go be someone’s great day!



No Excuses

I say this all the time but it bears repeating.. its the little things that are such a huge part of my satisfaction with my Master slave relation.

A gentleman hit my car recently, then proceeded to direct a lot of hostility towards me.  For me, this was an unwillingness to accept responsibility, a desire to blame someone or something else.

Serendipity happens. I often wonder why the people I come into contact with, were presented in that time and place. How will this weave into the fabric that will become the lessons of this life? ~ X Quote

When you screw up, sometimes you have to fall on your sword.  In other words, you have to be willing to accept your failure, and any pain and suffering that comes with owning up to it.  I become very unhappy with persons who present excuses and likewise, I am very forgiving for a person who shows they can own their actions.

So, X, you are probably wondering: Where are you going with this meandering? eh?

Well first, I could be upset about this mess my car is in.  It will be a major inconvenience, and a reduction in resale value and certainly cost me time and money I don’t want to spend on it.. but I would rather be happy.. so I choose to be.  Instead I am loving the simple interactions with my slave. Tonight, a simple thing is pleasing me immensely, especially after my run in with the afore mentioned hostility. Where we focus, plays a huge role in our happiness.

In public, my slave is very good with her protocols.  One protocol requires that as soon as I finish a plate of food, she take the plate away and put it under hers.   If you sit at a table with me, you will find I am always taking table real estate.. pushing salt, pepper and napkin holders back, to clear a larger area for myself.  It is just one more of my little Domination quirks.  And of course my protocols support that.  So tonight, after finishing a meal at home, a plate was not removed.  It was turkey tetrazzini by the way.. I do love that meal.  I would recommend you try the Stoffers brand and if you like it, then try a scratch made version.

So I asked Izrina:  Do you think that the protocols you do in public, you should also do at home?   She had finished sooner and now looked up from a suduko puzzle she was working on.  She looked around, trying to figure out what she had missed.  It took her only a second to realize where I was headed with this.  The empty plate quickly vanished.

No excuses made, just a quick acceptance of the way we are.  No anger at herself, that might be redirected at me.  Just Master and slave, doing their thing.  I love that she attends to me, and is fast to respond to my desires. Was I angry that a protocol had to be reminded?  Of course not.  I was enough that she sheeplishly, and submissively corrected the oversight.  She fell on her sword, and hoped for the best outcome.. and got it.

And she?  Does she love this?  Hmmm.  Yes.  It makes family uncomfortable when I order her, use her, but her eyes light up, and she fairly purrs afterward, when its time to curl up at Master’s feet.  Equity of exchange.  The trust she offers is exactly the right thing to exchange for my gift of Domination.  I wonder sometimes what jems I could offer to help others find this happiness?

Is it just finding the right person, or is it a philosophy and way of life that facilitates this, or maybe its a little of both?  Both I think.  Opportunity is nothing without the will and ability to capitalize, and visa-versa.   I wish more people could have this, feel this.   I understand that a TPE or CNC life is not for everyone, but it certainly is the key to MY happiness.. and to that of my slave.  Life is truly good my friends, Carpe Diem!

Evil Doms

This is titled “Evil Doms” but it might also be titled “Snow storms and slaves, part 2”.  Part one is here.    There are a few ex-lover types out there, and you may recognize them..

One type makes you feel wonderful about yourself.  They are complimentary, and love everything about you.. they make you feel attractive and in return, because you feel so wonderful when you are around them,  you can not help but love them.  But they are calculating like an evil Dom or Domme.  They know how to make you feel wonderful about yourself, and they do it for as long as you are useful, and desired.  But because they are also uncaring in their calculations.  When something better makes itself available, you will dropped like last week stinky garbage.  The new object of desire gets their attention and too late you realize it was all empty flattery – but it was so sweet – you would go back if you could.

And another type is the fuck buddy.  Now there is nothing wrong with a fuck buddy if that is what you want.  But again, it is the rare person who holds a poly together well without attaching strings to the deal.  When a calculating person convinces you that you want sex, and they want sex, and there is no harm in a pleasant exchange, that can go well.  But if your life changes, and you try to pull out of the arrangement, the evil side can rear its ugly head and the calculating side begins to pull strings to sabotage whatever stands in the way… or worse… they turn up the heat on a person who has a hard time saying no to the point of forcing themselves on you.  They may not even accept consent as a requirement for sex.

Many of us have these types in our past.  I take care to shield Izrina from some of these types, but I can’t do it on nights like this.  Yeah, my fears came to past.  A couple of guys dropped in on the girls for some storm night drinking at the ranch.

A while ago, I bought Izrina a flashlight.  It’s completely functional,  but with a twist.  It also doubles as a stun gun.  Jam the end of it into an attacker, pull the correct trigger, and the threat is neutralized.  She didn’t have it with her tonight.  I wish she did.  Bugs me that my gut had this one pegged right, and I didn’t listen to it.

Nothing happened.  Izrina has been trained to report anything I might be interested in, setting aside a portion of her brain as a guardian working on behalf of Master.  I got the info I needed for tonight.  I’ll get the full details tomorrow night.  Dammit.  I feel torn between the feeling I let her down, and the feeling that she is big girl and needs to sometimes take care of herself if someone gets pushy.

I am not being rational right now.  I would wager every one of us has had at least one person in our past that betrayed a trust.  After that happens,  you never quite look at the trust you place in a partner, quite the same.   You can be honest, and direct, and it still doesn’t matter because it seems that everyone is vulnerable at some point in their life.  Everyone at some point makes a choice they wish they had not.  So you question if the person you are with, will have that weak moment with you.. and you base this thought on a past you wish you could let go of, but can’t.

The fact is, there are Dom like people out there that are evil.  Maybe even sociopaths.  They know the buttons to push, and are not afraid to push them to get what they want.  They may not call themselves Doms, but sometimes they do.

Let me be clear about the title.  Not all Doms are actually what we would want a Dom to be, and not all nillas are free of Dom aspects.  Some nilla people are total Doms, they just don’t know anyone in the life style, and never had anyone point out the being  Dom is OK as long as you remove some behaviors.  I know a few people who know nothing of BDSM, and yet these people are very Dominant with their partners. One is a close friend.  He doesn’t want to think of himself as “kinky” and doesn’t want to talk about it. Problem is, being a Dom without understanding it, may make you a border line abuser.  You both have to talk, and negotiate, and understand what you both get out of it, and most importantly, agree to consent.  Then there are people from the past that I won’t go into.

The key difference about a real Dom is that a real Dom is looking for an equitable exchange.. one that both of you find pleasurable.. and they are honest and trustworthy.   The same can be said for slaves.  Nothing is more important than trust.  Its the foundation of your relation.   Shatter that one too many times, and a person becomes damaged goods.. no matter how rational, intelligent, and caring a person may be.  One side of you will always want to treat a new partner as a clean slate, and another side of you will always see the human weakness that has soiled your past – and constantly worry for the future.  Trust shattered is bad.

The world could use a lot fewer people plying the tools of a Dominant, for their own selfish desires.

Snow storms and slaves

Snow storms are relative.   In some Southern states, 3 inchs of snow brings a city to a halt; as well it should when you don’t have snow removal equipment.  I assume in some Canadian towns, no one even bats an eye until the snow is half way up the tires.  Here, it depends on who you are.  Me.. I go out in all kinds of weather.  Other folks, no so much.

We were hearing that there was a fair size storm coming.. six inches or more – that’s fifteen centimeters if you prefer..  So I won’t see my slave tonight.  I’m kinda grumpy about that.

Her work put her up for then night.  Seems like a generous thing to do.  Here is the catch, if you don’t take them up on the offer..then you are not allowed any excuse what so ever for not showing up the next day.  It kind of a “Godfather offer”… You know.. the kind you can’t refuse.  They have extra rooms, it doesn’t cost them anything, and you can save gas, plus stay safe.. Unless of course you have a cranky Master at home.

Of course I want my slave safe, and staying with the girls at the ranch overnight in a storm can be kind of a fun adventure… but I love my control too much to be really happy about this.  There are male ranchers too of course, and I am not fond of the idea of her mixing alcohol with testosterone, especially when I am not around.  Showing a little lack of trust here I admit.  In my defense, there are many variables at work here, which of course brings me back to a lack of control over this situation.

Of course if I was really worried, I’d drive the two hours round trip tonight to get her, and the two hours round trip to take her back before the sun came up, but I’m just not that crazy.  So I have to put up or shut up.  I don’t like any of these choices.  Freaking snow storms..  bet we only get three inches..that’s 7cm to the rest of the world.   When the hell is the US going to crack that nut and finally go metric anyway?   Why am I working myself up over the metric system?   Bah… I’m just in a cranky mood.   See how fast my perfect little world comes unraveled?    Bored, and cranky.   Ah well.. the snow is pretty..   Maybe I’ll go for a walk in it…   before I have to shovel it..

A strong will

Jian Ghomeshi won his appeal.  His lawyer, a woman, is now being threatened with losing speaking engagements.  Her presence is a little too strong.. After reading a few news articles, I wrote this:

If you advocate change, you do it by changing laws, and you start preparing to change laws by listening to your opponents. Insisting opposing views be silenced and going to counselors for therapy if things don’t go your way, is counter productive to your desired outcome.

I explained all that, because if I just came out with that quote, you might think I was speaking of the US election.  I was not.. but the same holds true.

This is very much why some religious folks turn me off.. the idea that everything that God said in a religious text is true and they have an absolute moral imperative to hate on the non-believers, is part of what is destroying us from within.  What started as a hippy-counter culture-movement to greater love and appreciation for the dignity of our fellow men is devolving.

Being sensitive does not entitle you to hate on the insensitive. ~ Xtac Quote!!

Love and peace is great until we start to feel a level of moral superiority and then the slippery slope to absolute evil and suppression starts.  The very notion of “hate crimes” scares the hell out of me.  We can now pass judgement on a persons thoughts and prosecute for that?  Shouldn’t their actions be the only reason to prosecute?

Think about it.. Free people just want to be left alone and want to leave you alone as well.  The philosophy is, your business is your business.  The more we muck around in other people’s thinking, the more entitlements and evil we insist on “for the common good”. Action my friends, is the only truth.  Prosecute people for what they do to you, not for what they think or didn’t do for you.  Freedom is nothing, and yet it opens your world to every possibility.  That’s a scary proposition, but one any Dominant will embrace.  Wow!

Just wow… I think in my kicking around this sticking point, I just hit on a problem vexing the world forever.   Maybe Aristotle had it right after all.  Part of society is comprised of Dominants that want total control over all aspects of their life without intervention and part of society is comprised of persons that want to be shielded and cared for, and that is the basis for all of our basic conflicts in fundamental thinking regarding the ideal form of government.  Democracy puts these two basic needs in conflict.  So we experiment with fascism and representational government.  Now there is a thought to chew on.  My mind is on fire.

I was getting ready to head out and Izrina began to put on her coat.  Her car was parked a bit away and she was clearly thinking that if I was leaving, I could drop her at her car.

I simply HATE topping from the bottom, and I hate when my slave assumes that I will do something before she has asked.  Here is why.

AFTER she has put her coat on, if she THEN asks if I’ll take her, the good guy in me has this feeling like I have no choice but to make her happy.  But the Master in me wants to prove I am in charge and is inclined to say no, even if I might have been happy to do this favor.  For the Master in me, now it has become less about what I would do and more about showing that I will make the decisions. I simply won’t be topped from the bottom.

So I said, you appear to think I will drop you off at your car.  And she said, “Do what ever pleases you Master.”

Have I mentioned I love this girl?   I thought about it for a moment.  It WOULD please me to drop her off.  It would please me to open the car door for her, and to see her safely to her car.  Now I was only a little frustrated.  I needed to convey that I wouldn’t be topped from the bottom.  But she clearly would accept  any decision I made.  How can you fight with that?  You can’t.  Take a note.. Always getting your way can sometimes cause a short circuit in your brain.

So I explained the turmoil she created by putting on her coat before asking, and I explained how she defused it by the way she replied, and I made it clear that she should not expect to get every thing she asks for.  The only frustration remaining was that her reply told me she already knew this.  That of course leads me right back to testing if she really would accept any decision “because it pleased me”.  And why should I have to do what doesn’t please me, just to test if she accepts the decision?  Better if we skip these things and never imply an outcome is anticipated – but – that really was a good reply.

The little minx knows me too well. I think she is starting to anticipate and read me as well as I have read her all these years.  We are becoming like a well oiled machine whose gears mesh perfectly, each complimenting the other in pleasing ways.

So there you have it dear readers, some insight into a very brief but deep exchange that is all just a moment in the 24×7 existence that can be yours, if you make the dream reality. I suppressed the desire to spank her on the spot and showed her to the car. That Ds quickie just made me horny.   Life is truly good.  Carpe Diem my friends…. go make a great day!

Weakness, Conflicted

Its been nearly two weeks since my last post.  Thanksgiving travel is behind me and the day-to-day routines have returned.  Thanksgiving was nice.  My daughter traveled some five hours from one direction, and I traveled five hours from another, and we met at my sister’s for our traditional family get together for the Holiday.  Except the whole family doesn’t participate.. in fighting..  I’ll leave it at that.  Blood does not a family make.

My daughter and all of her friends are at college now, save one, who is going to college locally.  She asked to join me this year.  When she was younger, she would often come with us, two young girls in the back seat as we made the long drive.  We would stop along the way, more interested in having adventures than making some self imposed deadline.

Now she is eighteen, and it was somewhat odd to have this young lady who is nearly a daughter to me, in the front seat chatting away.  Her views are quite liberal, and we had many a spirited discussion.  At one point we traveled through two states and I didn’t even notice it.  She tends to dress in black, and chains and never wears a dress.  She wants to be a Dominant some day.

Everyone dresses up for the Thanksgiving meal, but the next day when she came out in dress (again), I blurted out “what are you wearing?”.   “Fuck you”, she said and closed her door.  I thought about it.  She caught me off guard.  She has always been gender neutral,  so it never occurred to me that she might want to be “pretty”.  I apologized.  Its odd.. I think she talks more candidly with me than anyone (except maybe my daughter), and yet I still don’t know if she likes boys or girls or both or neither.  I don’t think she knows.  I do know she definitely wants a slave-male or female.  That idea makes her smile.

Anyway, the trip is behind us, I am caught up on work, and now a cold has set in.  I got the flu shot so I don’t expect it to last long.  You know when you feel like crap, and you can’t breath, and when you cough it feels like your head will explode, so you try not to cough but have to, so you go back and forth between weazing and feeling your head explode?  Yeah, that’s the one I have.  I just wanted to fall asleep until it was over.  I was not good company, and no use at work.  This is where the title for this blog comes in.

I hate feeling weak.  Normally I refuse to give into to any weakness.  But there are times when your body needs rest and you should indulge it.  Normally when I am sick, I work, until my day is done and go straight home and straight to bed to try to get twelve hours sleep.  I repeat as needed.  Not this time.  It was all I could do to focus.  I was OK with allowing this weakness, of not pushing through it.  Then Izrina came home and began to care for me.  I was a Happy Master.   I got past my guilt of allowing this weakness.

Izrina however has reoccurring pain from a few teeth that should be pulled and because of complicated reasons, can’t be.  So every six months or so, she has these fits of pain.  Well in the middle of my “weakness”, she had one of those episodes.  I had just made peace with the notion of not going to work and now my slave needs me.  But I need to sleep and I mean really, really, need to sleep.  Dammit!   This is a lose-lose situation.  If I do stay up to comfort, my own health degrades while doing little to really help the situation.  If I do not stay up to comfort, I am being a terrible Master and the guilt I feel is quite strong.  So I am conflicted.  Weakness and conflicted, not good.

The harsh reality is that the best I can do is make sure she has an appointment with a dentist, and is taking pain meds at regular intervals.  There is a trick when normal pain meds won’t do the job.  You switch between two kinds of over the counter pain meds.

Lets say you have acetaminophen and ibuprofen, each of which should be taken every four hours.  You take your acetaminophen and two hours later you take your ibuprofen.  After that you take acetaminophen four hours after the last dose as recommended, and the same for ibuprofen, but you are actually taking a pain med once every two hours.  When my daughter was just two, and had a sustained fever of 104 for quite some time, we took her to the hospital and that is when I learned that trick.  Obviously you reserve such measures for serious occasions, but it does work quite well for short bouts of extreme pain.

What was my choice, you not doubt are wondering?   Did I stay up or go to sleep?  It was to get the rest I needed.  Izrina was constantly up getting more pain meds and it was hard to sleep, but we made the best of it.  When both of us have issues at the same time it is not a good thing.  At one point, she was curled up under my arm, and she began to cry from the pain.   Softly, because she didn’t want to wake me.   You can imagine how much that tore me up inside.

It would have been a wonderful thing to write about, if I had needed her support and she had been there for me in my hour of need.  Instead, we leaned on each other, neither quite up to the task and yet still coming together, like to war-weary soldiers wounded but keeping each other going.  Actually, this is something to be proud of in its own way.  My first thought had been that at times the support goes the other way, but really, when two people work to make a life together they never stop supporting each other no matter the challenges.  That should be the take-away from this.  The Master and slave relation should not interfere with the basic need to have someone who loves and cares for you.  Rather is should amplify and improve on it.

Izrina is now and always will be a slave in her heart.  I am her Master.  Sometimes I am human, and my strength to overcome the weakness of this body defeats my desire to always be strong.  But my will does not change, nor does hers.  We will always seek to be a Master and a slave, and we will always seek to support each other within our sacred roles. If the lines get blurred sometimes, you can chalk that up to the fact that no truth is ever simple nor black and white.  Such views are for the lazy of mind, and sheep.

She is off to work, has an appointment, and has her meds.  If the dentist can’t pull those teeth, maybe a root canal can be done so there are no nerves left to cause these issues.  There has to be a solution.  I am getting involved in the next visit.

All of this aside, I am encouraged by the days events.  If you have your health, you have everything.  Believe it.  Carpe Diem my friends.  Go make a great day!