I just haven’t had the fire to write this past week. Not that there were not those wonderful little moments when Izrina passes me by in something short, just a hint of butt cheek showing, and I can’t resist the sound of a hand striking that ass.. lovely little moments those.
And its not that I haven’t been to community, this past Friday I had a late night at the FMB Doms and subs together support group. There was plenty to talk about, even an insight or two, but nothing that compelled me,;nothing that fired a need to write.
Sometimes, being in a Ds relation is just that.. a relation. What starts as the greatest thing in the world becomes just another ordinary day of slavery. Or it could be another distraction. I know that I tend to obsess, to find a focus point, something that interests me then binge on it. I have been focused on long distance support of my daughter in College, fussing over this and that.
A few moments of introspection do reveal that I have been spending a lot of time on that. Checking the bills, making sure she was adjusting, providing a dally reach out to make sure she felt the support was still there.
A little more introspection, and I have been worried at work. Big changes are on the move and you don’t want to be the blade that gets trimmed. I have been working late and extra to make sure my initiatives are on track, the reporting is good, the progress is steady. So there is that too. I have been working for ten straight days now without a day off.
A little more introspection, and I have been worrying about the bills. This college adventure is my worry. I won’t share my concerns with anyone else, especially my daughter who I don’t want worrying, but as I look at the months ahead, there will most definitely be a pinch. I’ll have to really cut out all discretionary spending for a year or so.
Normally, at a time like this I’d plan something special, with Izrina and my daughter; some lavish purchase of food and we’d get together and prepare a wonderful meal, then enjoy it together. Not an option right now. I need something different, but cheap. Maybe pack some sandwiches, and take the dirt bike up into the logging trails, find a nice stream or a pond, then snack and perhaps read a bit.
You can’t make a new attitude with “Stuff”. I know that. Even if the stuff is simple things like a sandwich in the woods. It starts with a the perspective that where ever you are, that’s exactly the place you should be.
Izrina’s mood could be better too. I offered to adjust her internal chemical with a nice leather massage.. and I wasn’t kidding. The Russians use caning as therapy for depression with solid medical reasoning, because of the chemicals released. A beating would do us both wonders, I think. I think what we really need is some dungeon time.. both of us, and soon.
Its not that life isn’t good.. it is. There is plenty to be grateful for. Its just that I am normally so freaking upbeat, its annoying, and right now I’m just busy, distracted, and well.. just OK. I’d like to get back to “excited to be alive”. I teach this stuff, but it seems I need to take my own lessons this week.
Funny.. I keep thinking.. this is probably just a “Dad thing” where I miss my daughter. Then I think, I wonder if she is having the same separation issues. Then the “Dom thing” kicks in and I’m back to wondering what I can do or should do. Yeah.. This will level off. Soon I hope. A little meditation, a little distraction, a little dungeon time, a little less introspection. I’ve got this. Gotta remember that where ever I am, that’s were I want to be. Time to get back to some extra ordinary slavery! Carpe Diem, my friends!