Love and hugs

A few blogs back, I had dropped off my daughter at College and while things were OK, I just wasn’t feeling it.. that joy I so often feel that springs up inside and keeps on bubbling to the surface like some artesian well. Well a number of people read this blog, and a few are close friends.

This one is for you Raven..  Thank you.  I wasn’t asking for help, and you didn’t offer it,  you simply reminded me that I am loved, and a great dad.  It was extremely thoughtful, and it rekindled the warm feelings I have always had for you, that we have shared, for a very long time.  I love you too.   I have thought back frequently to that morning you called, and it reminds me of just how important it is to have someone that cares deeply about you, who is concerned for your well being, and loves you perhaps unconditionally, or perhaps erotically, or maybe a little of both.  Certainly, for you I feel a little of both.  Thank you for being an exceptional human being, intelligent, warm,  caring.. and of course I cannot list your wonderful qualities without mentioning how cute you, especially when your submissive side is showing.

My friends, readers, and minions, love and hugs are some of the best healers, right up there with laughter.  If its been too long since you told someone important to you, that you love them, then do it now.

You figure out how long is too long.. I say it when ever I feel it, which is pretty damn often. Carpe Diem my friends… go be someone’s great day!

Obscurity, revisited – shhh! The secret of happiness revealed.

I was re-reading my last post, finding and correcting the spelling mistakes that I always seem to find AFTER I click post, and this hit me:

Its been another great day as a Master and property owner.  As she left for work this morning, I said, see you tonight.  She said, I wish I had a remote that allowed me to fast forward to then.  It made me smile and be warmed.

You may not see anything wrong in that statement but Izrina would catch it right away.  If SHE said this, I’d be on her right away.  The part of this that would cause this is “It made me smile”.   I try to strike that kind of language from my world, and hers.

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing should “make me” anything.  I will “make me”.  I will choose what I attach focus to, and what I dismiss.  It is by this action that I create a happier me.  It can be an effort, but what I get in return is exactly what you want.. Its what anyone reading this wants.

Oh sure, you may be alone and want a Master, or a slave. You may want to be held, or have better sex.  You may want a sexier car or maybe just one that is more dependable.  You may want to own your house, or have a second one for rental income or a vacation spot.  I could guess forever at what you think you want, but here is the point: You want these things because you want happiness.  Really, all you want is happiness.   Does it matter where you find it, if you have it?

What I might have said was: I focused on those words, and felt warmed by them.  THIS would be more in keeping with what I teach.  “Made me” is so very hard to drive out of your language.  I’ve been at it for years and it still creeps in from time to time.

We embrace things or not. We give focus to things or not.  And when we embrace or focus on a thing, does it “make us” still?  To answer that question, I would point out that a Master may give oral service to a slave and still be in control.  A slave can give oral service to a Master and still be a consensual slave. Neither was ultimately “made” to give service.  Both chose to embrace it.

Through consent the slave chose to be Dominated.  The oral service was by extension, a choice.  The Master chose to exercise their Dominance in this manner and perhaps was a bit sadistic with the orgasm, to use that control further.  Both performed the same service, yet their head was in a completely different place.  When we consent, when we give focus to a thing, it no longer “makes us”.

When we say, this made me, or that made me, we are giving up control to every possible good and bad thing in our life.  But when we give focus to the good and dismiss the bad, we take control of our happiness, and our lives become more rich and full. Effort is rewarded.  You will find it easier to ignore the bad, and enjoy the good over time.  No doubt about it, the phoenix has risen.  Got to finish up a little house repair, and then its time for a motorcycle ride I think.  Life is good!

Protocols that slip into obscurity

Tonight Izrina started to nod off in my arms, that lazy droopy eyed state she gets, where she talks in slurred speech as if drunk with sleep.. she’s so cute..  then, I asked for her gratitude ritual.

I mentioned earlier in the blog “Slaves don’t screw up, part 1”, that sometimes this ritual doesn’t happen the way I want.  Since I went public with that, I have been especially attentive to this ritual.  Like the captain that burned his ships so there was no turning back for the army, being public about this ritual has caused me to feel extra committed to its attention.

Now tonight, as she was just about to become incapable of coherent speech, I asked for her gratitude items.  It was to my recollection, one of the nicer moments in our day.  She searched her memory for something pleasant from the day and offered her first gratitude.  I asked questions about that and we talked a bit.  And so it went, three things she felt grateful for in her day, three conversations.

I am ever mindful of how she finds happiness.  It should be from simple pleasures, and pride should never play a large role.  It pleased me to have this opportunity to find good in our lives, and for me to be my Dominant self, guide and mentor, as we discussed the good in her day.  I provided thought on each one, and was especially pleased with some.

Having completed her gratitude ritual, she was free to nod off and she dropped into sleep almost immediately.   I however lay awake, thinking about how warm and nice that exchange had been.. and how it lay in sharp contrast to my feelings on this matter earlier.

I had some reflection to do.  How was it possible for me to feel one way on one day, and so vastly different on another day.  Was I unfair previously?  Had something changed?   What could be learned, to make all future rituals this pleasant?

It struck me that the key difference was the personal nature of the exchange.  Our schedules do not always align.  She has to be up very early.  Barns and horses do not function on a 9 to 5 schedule.   So we often resort to text.  I am not one of those people who hates technology.   Quite the opposite, I love and embrace it.

But it is not just technologies fault for the frequent lack of personal approach.  I think moving forward, when she must turn in early and I will be up a while, I will add a new protocol.  She won’t just ask for permission to go to bed ahead of me,  I will also have to tuck her in.  As I recall, this was an early protocol that I’ve let lapse and that is part of the problem.  When we go sleep at the same time, the protocol for her to join me in bed is firmly in place.  She always kneels by the side of the bed and requests permission to join me.

But when she goes to sleep first, well that protocol needs attention.  If we can’t sleep on the same schedule, we can still make time to make something special of that moment.  We can take time for me to tuck her in, for me to sit and listen to her rituals, and to send her to sleep with a warm exchange.  Our lives will be better with this protocol firmly back in place.

And for the times when I can’t be there when she sleeps,  that is when the ritual lapse has  happened.  That is the real area of concern. Text is available, but isn’t sent.  It may seem odd to make such a big deal about such a little thing, listing three things you are grateful for.  But this is part of what defines me.. the need to have these rules, rituals, and protocols, and have them obeyed with consistency.  One more thing, just to be clear, it is not excusable for a requirement to not happen, just because I am not home.

All of this is why we need to keep the list short.. If you can’t remember all of your rules, rituals, and protocols, how can you be sure that there is consistency?   The lapse of the tuck in protocol highlights this.  If you can’t keep a protocol, don’t start it in the first place.. or officially retract it. Nothing is worse for a Master or a slave, than letting a protocol just slide into obscurity without conversation.

Its been another great day as a Master and property owner.  As she left for work this morning, I said, see you tonight.  She said, I wish I had a remote that allowed me to fast forward to then.  It made me smile and be warmed.

In retrospect though, I should have talked more about that.  Our happiness can not be found by waiting for someone or something.  It must be found in every moment.  And if someone or something pleasant awaits in our future, we shouldn’t rush the opportunities of now, to get to some future promise of happiness.  Doing so only makes now unbearable.  Better to put effort into making every moment full of joy.   Life always presents challenges with opportunities, how we tackle them makes all the difference.  Carpe Diem my friends… Go make a great day.

Slaves don’t screw up, part 1

In keeping with this whole “Dom’s don’t cry” theme I think its about time we flipped over the cards and showed the other side.  Normally, I don’t allow anything but the good side of my Ds relation to be revealed in this blog.  And there is plenty of good stuff to talk about.

Work today basically sucked, but I had a hot tub and a cold drink waiting for me to relax with, just as I ordered, which pleased me greatly.  Supper too was exactly as requested and again, I was quite pleased.

But I have this thing going on for the past few days that frankly is pissing me off.  If you have read my blog much, you will know about our two daily rituals, Daily appreciation, and Daily Gratitude.  The day starts with the first and ends with the second.  Lately, Izrina has been skipping her Daily Gratitude ritual.

This triggers my Dom side to get serious.  First I am unhappy, displeased, and generally shocked.  What I do when a slave doesn’t behave like a slave is stick to the program and refuse to let it go or overlook it.   I am going to be the Dom I was meant to be, and nothing changes that.  So I check my anger, I draw my patience, and I point out what was missed, and I wait for this to be corrected.  And it does get corrected, because nothing else will get my attention until this is done.

But in the meantime a whole host of things are happening inside me.  First, I am thinking, “How the hell can this happen?  Am I not clear, do we not do this every day?  What possible reasoning could there be that allows this failure?  Does she not know that I won’t let this slide?  How could she not know I am going to double down on this?”

I know it can be difficult at times to shift into gratitude mode and to think of three things that actually were nice in a rotten day can be a chore, but that is the whole point.  When life is rough, we have to work at the mental shift, we have to put effort into changing our focus. This is important.  I am not going to let it just drop.  Again, wth???

While I am checking my anger, and  working my patience, I am now at a disadvantage regarding finding my own happiness.  I guess I could be happy that I have material to work on, but ignoring a standing ritual shouldn’t be one of those areas I need to fix or work on, or so I reason.  So I just am annoyed and puzzled. But I won’t let things make me, I make me, so now I invest effort into not being annoyed.  And that need to put in effort leads to a new annoyance which I must erase.  And so it goes, the trigger that causes me to work harder at being both Dom and spiritual leader.  In most respects, and most times, she is a perfect slave.

So yes, sometimes there is trouble in paradise.  Some times a perfect slave does screw up and frankly I can’t say I know exactly why.  I am generally fairly good at reading her mind but this one has me stumped.   It happens from time to time, things just like this and I just wonder.. where did my perfect slave go.. and when will she be back?  Why is this stranger challenging me?

Like I said earlier, normally, I don’t allow anything but the good side of my Ds relation to be revealed in this blog – but I don’t want you to get the impression that screw ups never happen or that everything is always perfect.  The fact is, sometimes slaves do screw up, but with patience and determination I can make it right, but I can’t get inside her head when she isn’t acting “all slave like” – and that pisses me off too.

Like I also said earlier, I personally have a lot to be grateful for tonight, and I will be damned if this one thing will get in the way of a good mood or an otherwise wonderful evening.  It is what it is and I’ll deal with it.  Carpe Diem my friends!

Doms don’t cry, part 3

Just when you thought the “Dom’s don’t cry” series was done, ta da!  Yes, rising from the dead like some Halloween fright, is yet another chapter in this series.

In “Doms don’t cry, part 1”, I spoke to the fact that if you are not compatible in a Ds kind of way, a Dom just has to suck it up and get on with life.  We might encourage begging, it feeds the power dynamic, but begging is destructive when we do it.

In “Doms don’t cry, part 2”, I spoke to my human side, the Dom that is a loving father and Dad.  We are all people, Mothers, brothers, sisters, fathers, best friends, with someone and it can pull us out of our “persona”.

Tonight, we need to take another look at the “tough guy” side of being Dom.  There is this thing that sometimes happens, where we are at first not eager to let the real bad boy out, so to speak, because we know we need to be a little flexible.  As Raven Kaldera put it:

I don’t compromise with my slave, I compromise with reality. ~ Quote – Raven Kaldera, speaking about being flexible as a Master.

So while yes, in a CNC or TPE we can order anything we desire, we also understand the importance of an equitable exchange, that the relation is pleasing to both parties.  And that is where the rub comes in.  Let’s face it, if I can order a blow job anytime I want, I am damn well going to.  But there is a certain degree of uncertainty that comes with being sexually selfish.  While we want to take, and use, and demand sexually, and we should without apology,  we might not always be so forthcoming about how we feel. 

There may be an uncertainty.   It is not uncommon to put up a strong front, to demand from our slaves total access to their thoughts, but not do the same with our own feelings.  We may not want to let things show which may appear weak, or “less Dommly”.  We might even shy away from doing things we want, because it may appear to be a less in control kind of thing.  Both things are completely wrong for a Dom to do.

First, yes, if you get angry you need to check that and approach problems with a cool head.  But you also need to let your feelings show.  It is fine to withhold your reasons for your decisions, you need not explain yourself, but it is also unfair to withhold the vital clues that help a slave better understand you.  You should allow yourself the freedom of showing your feelings.  More importantly, if you are not being brutally honest with your slave about your feelings, you may lie to yourself and make compromises you and they regret later.

The second thing that is wrong to hold back on is when you want something, but think it may appear less in control, so you do not demand this thing you want.  I am here to tell you that you can order anything, and still be in control.  You CAN be a masochist and a Master.   The difference is that you order what happens to any degree you wish to control it.  You can suck dick or eat pussy and still be in charge.  And you can prove it by not stopping until you feel like it, which can turn an orgasm into torture. The difference between a slave giving oral, and a Dominant, is the control, and the reason for doing it.  If you do it because you want to, and for control, you are Dominant.  If you do it because you were ordered to and to please, you are submissive.  Control is felt.  You know when you are being controlled, even if it is subtle and manipulative.

So yes, a Dom is always in charge, leading, guiding and coaching.  And yes, a Dom may choose to be stoic, silent, reserved, when in their estimation the situation calls for it.  But a Dom can also let you see them get mad, chuckle, laugh, and yes cry.   A Dom is defined by the Dominance they make others feel and a great Dom can do it in an instant, with a word or a look.  Carpe Diem my friends!  Make a great day!

Core Values and Beliefs

ZEALOTRY!  –  This life I lead has religious overtones.  Use my blog widget to search my blog for the word zealot.  I am one for BDSM.  The word seems to keep coming up.  So excuse me if this bores you, but I have been thinking lately about what defines me, what my core values and beliefs are that have made it possible for me to be so blessed.

This blog started with a comment by my slave. – As she was fulfilling her gratitude ritual, one of her three things was “when crying turns to laughter”.  She is a wrangler, rides horses, and she had a little girl that was so scared she was crying and hiccuping.  She brought her horse up beside the girl, and by the end of the ride, the girl was laughing.  My reaction was too fold.  First, I was pleased.  She should be in service to the universe, finding her pleasure in these very kind of moments.  But there is also a danger when we do well and we know we have done so.  We must avoid pride.  Its an odd dance.  We must know that we have value, and hold that to our heart, but take away from it not pride which is poisonous, but the joy that we create with that value.  We must see not the value of our relations, but the value we bring to relations.  Like all things of value, its a complex, delicate dance.

So I find myself wanting to list my core values. Here is what I came up with:

  1. Equality  – Thou shall strive at first meeting, to neither take, nor give authority, treating all persons as an equal in authority to yourself, and will continue to do so until a shift in power is arrived at in a consensual manner.  Equality is not the highest form of exchange, equity is.  Equality is merely the starting point from which all human exchange should flow, and it should flow, to equity.
  2. Respect – Thou shall strive at first meeting to give utmost respect, as a sign of who you are, indicating that you understand equality, and the need to understand one another.  Often the distance between your beliefs may make respect difficult. It is not necessary to agree with a person, to respect their logic or core belief.  Remember that the degree of effort you put into giving respect, is a reflection of who you are. Respect earned is necessary to establish honesty, with which you may achieve trust, and trust is a perquisite to a higher state of exchange, an equitable one.  Respect given and earned, removes barriers to your potential exchanges.
  3. Consensual Power Exchange – Thou shall strive to find your place among others in the structures of authority that surround us. These structures exist for many reasons.  From police, to parents, from employers to politicians, from judges to generals, we are surrounded by people with certain authority.  If these structures align with your values, you will acknowledge and consent to accept authority or consent to give authority within them. You will peaceably resist all exchanges of authority that do not align with your values, or are forced upon you, or to which you will not consent. Thou shall be mindful that love and power exchanged can only exist together, with consent.  Where power is taken without consent, love is absent.  Dominance and submission is just a natural extension of the power systems around us and teaches us something of the world we would create with others.
  4. Honesty – Thou shall be honest both with yourself and others when negotiating an exchange.   Avoid persons who have demonstrated they can not be trusted as they may misuse your honesty.   Thou shall strive to avoid dishonesty created by pride.  Thou shall strive to avoid dishonesty created by false modesty. Thou shall strive to be honest about the value you bring to an exchange, without listening to either pride or false modesty.  Thou shall be  mindful that honesty does not require that you to respond to a demand for information, but trust does.  The building blocks of trust, are honesty.
  5. Uncommon currency – Thou shall be mindful of the currency you deal in, whether it be common like gold, silver, paper, goods, and services, or uncommon like support, love or feelings.   Thou shall place your highest value on all things which bring happiness into your life, treating this as the favored currency of your life.  Let that which makes you happy, be an important currency of your exchanges with others.  Thou shall be mindful of the value placed on each currency by both you and those you exchange with.  You shall be mindful that the value of currency changes, what is valued today, may not be the same at the next exchange.  Avoid persons who do not understand the value of uncommon currency.
  6. Equity of exchange – Thou shall strive to seek in all exchanges with others, an equitable exchange, negotiated in good faith, with all terms honestly disclosed.  Thou shall seek to make exchanges in which both parties feel the exchange was fair and ideally mutually beneficial.  When an exchange becomes inequitable, it should be renegotiated or terminated.  Any past inequities perceived to exist before renegotiation, should be forgiven.
  7. Avoid inequity –  Thou shall avoid inequity of exchange and people who practice it.  To knowingly take more than you  offer in exchange through deceit or force, is evil. Thou shall keep in mind that equity, is measured in many currency and often uncommon currency leads to those outside your exchange, to not understand the equity you agree to, which is to say: Only those in an exchange can say if it was equatable or not.  Thou shall only judge the equity of your own exchanges, unless called upon to mediate.
  8. Gratitude – Thou shall be grateful.  You can not add another minute to your life, nor take any possession with you when you die.  You will be grateful for every minute of life, and for the moments you created happiness for yourself and others.  Thou shall be mindful that gratitude given, like so many other things given, is actually a gift to yourself.
  9. Life’s greatest lesson is how to be happy – Thou shall strive to understand happiness, what it is, and how to get it.  This is the great struggle of your life and it has nothing to do with what anyone else does. Thou shall learn to make joy at every opportunity, and share it with others. Let your joy spring not simply from pride in what you do, but also from the happiness you create by what you do.  Be mindful that things, and others, can not make happiness for you.  Thou shall never allow yourself to be too busy, to stop and smell the roses.  That is to say, to stop and take time to be grateful for, and appreciate the small joys of life.
  10. Life’s second greatest lesson is how to make good decisions – Thou shall make a study of your decisions. Thou shall seek council from friends and enemies, and strive to learn from each mistake and success of all humanity. Thou shall put aside regret, and never forget that the one thing you own forever, are your decisions.  Learn to make good ones, regret no past mistake, and strive to make ever better ones.

You will notice these beliefs, or values apply to more than BDSM, and that is exactly what they are meant to do. This is not sexy, or exciting and you might find it boring, but I never stop thinking about the world I want, and the lessons I would use to craft my perfect slave, so I must think beyond BDSM, to values that apply more or less universally, and tie together my complex life, in all its facets.

These might as well be my ten commandments.  So I wrote them that way.  They form the foundation of my life, and the lessons I teach.  These core beliefs form the basis for nearly all that I do and they shape my decisions, and the lives that result from it.

Whatever road you choose, my friends, I wish you happiness.  Carpe Diem!

Ds “quickies”

You know what a “quickie” is, right?  Its when you slip into the shower and “get some” before showing up five minutes late for work.  Or maybe you are at a dinner party and “share” the bathroom before checking that your clothes and hair are properly back in place.  Sure we all like to start a slow burning fire of passionate kisses that leaves plenty of time for wetness and heat to merger into a steaming kettle.. but there is nothing wrong with a little quick satisfaction.. its fun to indulge that naughty side.

Here is the thing.. when your kink is power exchange you can indulge those urges to grab a handful of hair, to sneak in a secret slap on the ass.  You can be just a little naughty, and push your slave up against the wall at opportune moments, get into her space, and let her know just how much you are going to use her later.

Domination is not sex, and it kind of pisses me off that some legal systems treat a Dominatrix as a prostitute, but I can’t deny that objectifying a tasty little morsel of subby is damn near every bit as hot as sex.  I’ve said it before, a woman in a dungeon with a perfect body can walk by completely naked and I’ll be interested but not hard.  But a slightly older, slightly overweight woman who curls up all submissive like and whispers “yes sir” at me will make me hard in an instant.  Power exchange is my kink and nothing does it for me like submission.

To further make my point, there are plenty a vanilla couple out there where one or the other deeply desires to be part of Ds relation.  Let’s say its the wife, and she wants to be submissive to a strong willed man, but her husband just can’t do it.  So they agree to allow her to submit to a Dominant, and agree that she will be faithful to her marriage and not have sex with this man…  Oooops!    Huge mistake.  What this hapless husband doesn’t realize is that once his wife tastes that which deeply and passionately fulfills her dark needs, she will be devoted; more committed to this Dominant, than she can ever be to him.  She may only have sex which him, but her heart will be with the Dominant that makes her come alive.

Its hard to explain, why we like a thing.  Why do we like breasts, or an ass, or hard cock.  It’s hard to explain why piss, or feet do it for some people.  Its hard to explain why having control, or giving it, does it for some people.  We just need to accept that however it is that we ended up “wired this way”, its who we are and its OK to indulge in private, our needy desires.

And that takes me back to Ds quickies.  Having established that Dominance does it for us, and there are lots of compelling examples to prove this is so, let’s get down to the serious business of “getting some”.

My slave can’t eat until she feeds me a bite of her food, and I say its delicious.  I torture her in public all the time, and no one knows.  I open her doors for her.  I can do this as gentleman, or as a sadist.  I buckle her seat belt, and when I am feeling like a Ds quickie, I do it before I get in the car.  I lean into her space, draw the belt across her breasts, cinch it tightly, give it a good tug. Think about it.  The semi-rough fabric, drawn deliberately and slowly over nipples, all while in quite a public place, and you make sure your slave knows exactly what you plan to do, and then do it, slowly and deliberately being as naughty as you can get away with.

For no reason at all, I may order her to hand me her panties, or push her to the wall, or grab a handful of hair.  I have a way of creating pain with pressure points that is barely noticeable to others.  At a buffet, you can order your slave to come back only with yellow colored foods.  Or order her to cross the room walking heal to toe, so that her ass rolls in lovely figure eights just for you.  There are so many ways to grab a little Ds quickie and if power is your kink, every one you do is freaking hot.. and might lead to the other kind of quickie.. if you can find five minutes of privacy.

Carpe Diem, my friends.  Now go get some!



The phoenix has risen!

I don’t compromise with my slave, I compromise with reality. ~ Quote – Raven Kaldera, speaking about being flexible as a Master.  In his own way, he was speaking about what I call equity of exchange, what I point to when I speak of our uncommon currency. He was speaking of the need for both parties to achieve happiness from the exchange of power.

I went to see Raven Kaldera speak this evening, and as is usually the case, he had his slave Joshua Tenpenny with him.  I love their workshops.  Raven is everything you would expect of a seasoned Master with decades of experience.  Joshua when he’s happy, gives off a vibe like a bouncy little puppy.  Its just really warm, good stuff, with lots to think about.

The juices are flowing and I have a lot to write about now, but I’ll save them for after I’ve had some rest.  I was just so excited to feel the phoenix rise, I had to get some of it on paper.  That quote by the way rocked so much I had to share it.  Yeah baby! I love when I love life.. It’s so worth the effort to get your head in a good place.  Carpe Diem, my friends.

Ordinary, everyday, slavery

I just haven’t had the fire to write this past week.  Not that there were not those wonderful little moments when Izrina passes me by in something short, just a hint of butt cheek showing, and I can’t resist the sound of a hand striking that ass.. lovely little moments those.

And its not that I haven’t been to community, this past Friday I had a late night at the FMB Doms and subs together support group.  There was plenty to talk about, even an insight or two, but nothing that compelled me,;nothing that fired a need to write.

Sometimes, being in a Ds relation is just that.. a relation.  What starts as the greatest thing in the world becomes just another ordinary day of slavery.  Or it could be another distraction.  I know that I tend to obsess, to find a focus point, something that interests me then binge on it.  I have been focused on long distance support of my daughter in College, fussing over this and that.

A few moments of introspection do reveal that I have been spending a lot of time on that.  Checking the bills, making sure she was adjusting, providing a dally reach out to make sure she felt the support was still there.

A little more introspection, and I have been worried at work.  Big changes are on the move and you don’t want to be the blade that gets trimmed.  I have been working late and extra to make sure my initiatives are on track, the reporting is good, the progress is steady.  So there is that too.  I have been working for ten straight days now without a day off.

A little more introspection, and I have been worrying about the bills.  This college adventure is my worry.  I won’t share my concerns with anyone else, especially my daughter who I don’t want worrying, but as I look at the months ahead, there will most definitely be a pinch.  I’ll have to really cut out all discretionary spending for a year or so.

Normally, at a time like this I’d plan something special, with Izrina and my daughter; some lavish purchase of food and we’d get together and prepare a wonderful meal, then enjoy it together.  Not an option right now.  I need something different, but cheap.  Maybe pack some sandwiches, and take the dirt bike up into the logging trails, find a nice stream or a pond, then snack and perhaps read a bit.

You can’t make a new attitude with “Stuff”.  I know that.  Even if the stuff is simple things like a sandwich in the woods. It starts with a the perspective that where ever you are, that’s exactly the place you should be.

Izrina’s mood could be better too.  I offered to adjust her internal chemical with a nice leather massage.. and I wasn’t kidding.  The Russians use caning as therapy for depression with solid medical reasoning, because of the chemicals released.  A beating would do us both wonders, I think.  I think what we really need is some dungeon time.. both of us, and soon.

Its not that life isn’t good.. it is.  There is plenty to be grateful for.  Its just that I  am normally so freaking upbeat, its annoying, and right now I’m just busy, distracted, and well.. just OK.  I’d like to get back to “excited to be alive”. I teach this stuff, but it seems I need to take my own lessons this week.

Funny.. I keep thinking.. this is probably just a “Dad thing” where I miss my daughter.  Then I think, I wonder if she is having the same separation issues.  Then the “Dom thing” kicks in and I’m back to wondering what I can do or should do.  Yeah.. This will level off.  Soon I hope.  A little meditation, a little distraction, a little dungeon time, a little less introspection. I’ve got this.  Gotta remember that where ever I am, that’s were I want to be.  Time to get back to some extra ordinary slavery!  Carpe Diem, my friends!